Original subtitles

Uncle Herman! Hi, it's Gabe.

Listen, I'm glad I caught you.

I got a problem, Julie's gonna be home in five minutes

and I don't have a joke to tell her.

Have you done anything funny lately?

Have you heard anything funny lately?

You heard about a guy who crossed a beaver

and an elephant?

Doesn't know what he got.

But you should see the size of the dams it builds.

Anything else, come on!

What?

You were so paranoid once, if you went to

a football game and the players got into

a huddle, you would think they were talking about you.

Come on, Uncle Herman, give me the A material.

Oh, you knew a guy that was so mean

used to train homing pigeons

and then move.

Come on, Uncle Herman, she's gonna be right home!

Give me a good one, a joke, a limerick

a pun, a knock-knock, anything, a riddle

come on, Herman!

I'm desperate!

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

Okay, okay, guys. Listen up.

Wait a minute, guys, wait a minute.

Look, all I know is that the Silver Gloves boxing match

is on Friday, right?

Yeah.

And Carvelli is fighting for New Utrecht, right?

Man, I been waiting all year

to get my hands on that Carvelli.

Oh, yeah.

I want 'em, I want 'em!

Mellow out, Juan, mellow out.

Now listen, I know that you want him.

- We all want him, right? - Yeah.

But we gotta do it the democratic way, okay?

- Alright. - Alright.

One potato, two potato...

...three potato, four... five potato...

Hey, what happened to my potato?

You forgot my potato!

I'm a Sweathog, too, you know

don't I get a chance?

A chance to what, die?

- Carvelli's a gorilla. - Yeah, well, I can handle...

Come on, Arn, it's a matter of integrity.

You see, the guy who fights Carvelli, you know

he-he's gotta be strong and he's gotta be clever.

- Yeah. - I'm strong.

You're strong, right?

You get your little sister

to carry your books to school

you call that strong?

No, I call that clever.

Just cool it, 'cause we got more important decisions

to make right now, alright?

We gotta make decisions, Little Arnold!

- Yeah, let's make decisions. - Hey, Arnold, Arnold.

No one's saying you're not one of the boys

I mean, you are.

But Friday at 3:30, whoever faces off

against Carvelli has got to be a man!

- I'm a man. - Only by a technicality.

A very small technicality.

Yeah? Well I am such a man that I am not

the slightest bit upset by all this!

[crying]

Hey, Arnold.

Arnold!

Arnold, why are you so upset?

Because my dignity has been attacked.

My core has been shaken.

I have been totally humiliated.

Oh, I thought it was something serious.

I'm only kidding, Arnold. Okay, okay, what's the problem?

Mr. Kotter, this is no little thing.

I am a Sweathog, I got my rights.

As much right as any other Sweathog

to get into the ring with Carvelli on Friday.

You wanna fight Carvelli?

Arnold, when did you first notice this need

to do away with yourself?

Arnold, look, you're not a fighter

I mean, you've got other good points.

You're smart, you're charming

you're fun to be around.

You forgot my lilting laugh.

Fun to be around.

Arnold, look, if the guys don't want you to fight Carvelli

it's just because they're looking after you.

Hey! Hey, here comes Carvelli.

Here comes Carvelli!

Yeah, and that little chump, Murray!

Well, well, well, if it ain't the Sweat-punks.

Well, if it ain't the Sweat-punks.

Jumpin' rope, Carvelli?

What's the matter, you tear your dress

when you was playin' hopscotch?

That's funny.

Just so happens I'm in training.

Toilet training?

I love that one!

I didn't hear that, Epstein.

He asked if you was in toilet training, champ.

Which one of you guys gonna be the lucky corpse, huh?

You?

Well, uh, better not be me, Carvelli.

'Cause I'm half Puerto Rican, half Jewish.

So what?

So?

How would you like to get bar mitzvah'd

with a hubcap?

Hey, you can't talk to my man like that.

Your man?

Well, you better stick close to your man, Murray

'cause after Friday, you won't be spongin' him down.

You gonna be wheelin' him around.

You know, you sound exactlylike the guy

that I fought last year.

He's in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Under pain.

You don't scare us, Carvelli.

Any one of my boys here can make you feel like

you just been through a blender.

Yeah, how would you like it if we frapped your face?

Hey, I didn't hear that, Horshack!

He asked if you liked your face frapped, Carvelli.

I heard!

Hey, Carvelli.

I sure hope you ain't allergic to canvas

because that's where you're gonna be spendin' Friday.

Face down!

Are you threatening me, Horshack?

- This is getting out of line. - He didn't mean it.

Out of line, huh?

The only thing that's gonna be out of line

is your spine!

Ha-ha!

Your face is gonna be so ugly...

...we're gonna have to close it down on weekends.

Alright. Alright.

That's it, Horshack. I want you.

Whoa, whoa.

[indistinct chatter]

You heard what he said.

- Me? - yeah, you! Mouth!

Me?

What did I say?

You said Carvelli will wind up on the canvas.

With his spine outta line.

His face frapped and lookin' so ugly

they close it down on the weekend.

If that's what I said, that's what I said.

Arnold Horshack is a man of his word.

And you're on, Carvelli. Give me these.

You want to see, you want to see training?

The kid is gonna show you training here.

A, my name is Arnold, my mother's name...

Cut that out, you're embarrassin' us.

Listen, if you're gonna do this, you do this right.

You do it like this.

B, my name is Barbarino.

♪ I'll say the ba ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba ba ba Barbarino ♪♪

Alright, alright, alright.

Enough of this top 40 stuff.

Come on, Murray.

I gotta go rent a tux...

...for a funeral.

♪ C my name's Carvelli... ♪♪

What?

What are you all lookin' at?

The guy challenged me and I accepted

what you want me to do, run away?

Hide out in some foreign country?

Now we're down to two foreign countries.

Afghanistan and Newark.

Newark, huh?

I'd rather fight Carvelli.

Yeah, and end up in an emergency ward.

Look, I gave my word.

Arnold, you can always take back your word.

You can't take back your teeth.

I don't care.

How would you like to get hit in the stomach?

So many times that it packs up and looks

for a new body?

I don't care.

That's the way it's gonna be at the sound of that bell.

I care, I care!

I see my whole life flashing before my eyes!

And I'm not even in it.

Arnold, calm down, alright?

Alright, you guys stay here for a minute.

The rest of you, read chapter 14 by tomorrow.

We always read chapter 14.

Then read chapter seven twice.

Alright, I don't understand how you let Arnold

get himself involved in this.

We tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't listen to us.

One minute he was Arnold Horshack

the next minute, the Great White Hope.

But don't worry about it, Mr. Kotter

I got it all figured out.

I'm gonna have the kid come down with that bubonic plague.

Hey! Don't you guys ever listen to me?

I am fighting Carvelli.

Stop it, Arnold, you're not fighting anybody.

You hear that?

I don't want to hear any more about this boxing

and this stupid Silver Gloves competition.

Oh, uh, Kotter, about the Silver Gloves boxing match

on Friday...

...we're gonna need a real powerhouse in there

against Carvelli.

Would you settle for a power failure?

Now, listen, we've had these boxing matches

for the past 20 years, and you know how many times

Buchanan has won?

None!

That's not true, Mr. Woodman.

Bonzo Maretti won once.

Eating your opponent doesn't count.

Every vice principal has some sort of trophy

I want that trophy!

Don't worry about it, Mr. Woodman.

One of us already volunteered to box.

You have?

Barbarino, I'm proud of you, go in there

win that trophy.

But it ain't me.

Oh.

Epstein. Proud of ya.

I'm proud of you, too, Mr. Woodman!

But I ain't gonna fight 'em!

Washington?

Strike three, Mr. Woodman.

Alright, Kotter.

Who is it?

Horshack wants to be the one to fight Carvelli.

Ha-ha-ha!

I'm serious, Mr. Woodman.

Horshack?

Horshack.

Horshack.

Kotter.

You're a warped person.

You're doing this just to deprive me

of my trophy.

You were warped then.

You're warped now!

You're warped!

Warped! Warped!

This has gone far enough.

I'm calling it off.

Call it off?

Mr. Kotter, you can't call it off.

Listen.

All my life, people have been...

...trying to push me aside.

"Arnold, go to your room."

"Arnold, go outside and play."

"Arnold, we'll meet ya after school."

Mr. Kotter.

I'm tired of being pushed aside.

I understand, Arnold.

But there are other ways to prove you're a man

besides fighting a big starkle like Carvelli.

Mr. Kotter, sometimes, a man has to stand up for himself

even though he knows he's gonna land flat on his back.

Haven't you ever felt like that?

Yeah, once.

There was this girl.

You wanted to fight a girl?

No, there was this girl I really liked.

Her name was Leylani Shapiro.

Went out together a few times.

One day, this guy comes up to me

big, heavyweight jock type.

He told me that he was Leylani's boyfriend

and if I would continue to see her

he was gonna rearrange my face.

I thought about it, I thought about it a lot.

What he said and...

...I knew he was gonna do what he said.

So I called up Leylani and I...

...told her I couldn't see her anymore.

And how did that make you feel?

How'd that make me feel?

I felt like...

Arnold, if you really think that you have to do this

I'm behind you.

[theme music]

- How you doing, Freddie? - Yo, Mr. Kotter.

Now you know it should be one of us fighting Carvelli.

I mean, they bettin' Horshack don't live

through the weigh-in.

This is not a street fight. It's a sport.

There's a ring. A referee, and padded gloves.

He's gonna get killed.

Not in a ring.

But Freddie, if he tries to prove himself

in some alley, he might.

Hey, Mr. Kotter.

Who was that guy with the mustache

and the crummy jokes, said something about

fightin' gets you nowhere?

- That was me. - Alright.

And I still believe it.

But this is a special case.

Hey, congratulations, Arnold!

You took ten minutes off yesterday's mile.

I know.

The last eight blocks I took a cab.

Come on, Arnold.

Fight with Carvelli's in two days.

You got to build up your endurance.

Yeah, Mr. Kotter. You work on his endurance.

And I'll go light a candle.

See you later, Freddie. Bye-bye.

- Have a good time. - Bye.

Alright, Arnold. Let's start out with some calisthenics.

- Okay. - I want to build you up.

When you meet Carvelli, be in good shape.

Alright, the first thing to do is push-ups.

- Push-ups? - Okay, we do the hard kind.

You gotta clap in the middle, okay?

- Okay, show me. - Now watch me.

Get down, do your push-up.

Clap in the middle. Okay.

- Try it. - Okay.

You get down, you do your push-up

you clap in the middle.

- You do your push-up... - Okay, alright, okay.

Very good, Arnold, very good.

- That's good, that's good? - Very good.

What I want to work on now

is something that's really important.

Psyching out your opponent.

Now all good fighters do this, okay?

Now I want you to pretend I'm Carvelli.

Alright, now the ref is introducing us in the ring.

And I want you to give me a cold, angry stare.

Put it right through me, okay?

Arnold, you wanna scare him, not date him.

Come on, let's not act silly about this.

People are gonna say you're the silliest fighter

they ever seen.

Until now.

Mr. Woodman, what are you doing here?

Not Woodman, Kotter, the Wanapotomy kid.

I wanna give Horshack here a few pointers.

What do you know about boxing?

Are you kiddin', Kotter, why in my day

I shredded the likes of Butch Crawford

Bobo Arseni, Mimi Finklestein.

Mimi Finklestein?

A killer, Kotter.

A real killer.

Alright, Arnold.

Just pretend this is the ring, okay?

- Okay. - Yeah. Alright.

Now, I want you to make sure of one thing.

When you lead, you always lead with your left.

Lead with your left.

Your other left.

Now protect your body with your right.

What do you wanna do, Kotter, get the kid killed?

Horshack keep your left close to your body

and put your right out.

Way out. That's it.

That's terrific, Mr. Woodman, if he was a lawn ornament.

Stop it, Arnold.

Here's the basic stance I want you to have, right?

- Okay. - Here's how you look.

This way, you won't get hurt too bad.

You know, you go like this. On your toes all the time.

Think Carvelli can slip into right cross.

Come on, Mr. Woodman, if Arnold is like this

how is Carvelli gonna slip in a right cross?

Like this!

Look at it!

Both of you down, punched out by an old man.

Hey. Maybe I oughta fight Carvelli.

[theme music]

[bell ringing]

Alright, may I have your attention, please?

Now before we begin today's bout

I would like to introduce

one of the past Silver Glove Contenders

from Buchanan High who went on to fame

sitting at ringside, from 1955

Dino Crazy Delaney!

Oh, yeah, Dino!

Dino, Dino, Dino!

And now, in this corner

wearing purple trunks

weighing 165 pounds and foaming at the mouth...

...from New Utrecht High, killer Carvelli!

And in this corner, wearing baggy trunks

and a look of absolute terror

at 127 pounds

a real good sport...

...Sugar Arnold Horshack!

Horshack, Horshack, we're with you!

Rock 'em, sock 'em, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Yay, Horshack!

Carvelli, Carvelli, he's my man.

Hey, cool it! Cool it.

You hear that?

He said "Cool it, Murray."

- Ain't he the great? - Yeah!

Alright, alright, Arnold's the champion.

- Yeah. He's our man. - You're a good guy.

Arnold, we can still get you out of this.

Look, I can get a note for ya.

Just say, "Dear Carvelli, please excuse Arnold

for this fight. He's allergic to traction."

This is the moment of truth for Arnold Horshack.

No, no, no, Dino.

Alright, both in the ring now, Horshack.

Come on, Horshack!

- Yay! - Take it easy. Take it easy.

Alright, I want this to be a clean, honest fight.

Carvelli, try not to kill him.

- Touch gloves. - Ah!

You're in shape, you're alright.

[bell dings]

Alright, just try to remember what I taught you, okay?

Oh, yeah. Doing the push-ups and clap.

Come on, Horshack!

Come on!

Horshack!

Come on!

Hit me!

Oh, yeah!

Come on, Carvelli, you can't run forever!

Yeah! Yeah!

- Carvelli! - Horshack!

[clamoring]

Yay!

- I got 'em! I hit 'em! - Yes, you did.

What do you think about us now, Mr. Carvelli?

One, two... three...

Come on, get up Arnold, get up!

- Four... five... six... - Stay down.

Seven, eight, nine...

...nine and a half.

Nine and three quarters.

Come on, get up, will ya?

Nine and seven eighths.

I've run out of fractions, Horshack!

Ten!

The winner...

...Killer Carvelli.

- Yay! - Boo!

Killer Carvelli.

Are you alright?

- Is it over? - Yeah.

- Did I win? - Not really.

I didn't think so.

Hey, Juan.

They don't think I took a dive, do they?

Arnold, as far as we're concerned

you're the gold medal kid with a heavyweight crown.

- Yeah. - Yeah, Arnold.

You made us proud to be Sweathogs.

Look, Freddie, I didn't win.

Arnold, you won as soon as you got into that ring.

After that, it was just a question of who got the trophy.

And we all know who that was.

Hey, Arnold, you did alright!

[cheering]

Arnold, you did terrific, everybody's proud of you.

Arnold, did I ever tell ya about my uncle who's a fighter?

- Slapsy Maxie Carter. - No, I don't think so.

Oh, he was great, he used to eat a pound

of pickled herring before every fight.

Did that make him a better fighter?

No, but he knocked out his opponents with his breath.

[theme music]

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪