Original subtitles

Oh.

I can't believe how crowded that store was.

I think everybody left their shopping till tonight.

Well, I don't believe it, those women, they're crazy.

- I know. - Pushing, shoving.

Bumping into me.

I'm going back tomorrow.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

♪♪

Kotter, I'd like you to meet Ms. Wright.

Ms. Wright!

Well, my mother always said

I'd meet you some day.

Thank you.

This Ms. Wright has nothing to do with

your sick fantasies, Kotter.

Leave my sick fantasies out of this, Mr. Woodman

at least until you get me that ostrich I requested.

Ms. Wright is a Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Jones College

specially trained in remedial methods.

Now Principal Lazarus wants her to have on-the-job training

until she gets her own class.

Oh, like, uh, student teach.

Well, in my school, we're referred to

as educational guidance associates.

In this school, you'll be referred to as hamburger helper.

Ah, make yourself at home, look around.

Now, watch her carefully, Kotter.

Remember what happened to the last student teacher.

What happened to her?

Oh, she's doing fine.

She, uh, sent me a ceramic wallet from the home.

So, you majored in ghetto, huh?

Yes, and this is wonderful, it's so remedial.

It's just like our mock-up room

in educational development and guidance.

Right, right, slum training 101, I took it twice.

Let me show you around.

You know, this is a very famous classroom.

In fact, in this chair right here once sat Bonzo--

Moretti.

- Yes, I've heard of him. - You have?

Mm-hmm, there's a whole chapter about him

in one of our textbooks.

It's called, "There Are No Bad Boys

So Please Don't Shoot."

You know, Bonzo wasn't the toughest kid in my class.

Toughest kid was Benito Bloomberg.

Benito was voted most likely to invade Poland.

Sat right over there, right in between

Ramon "I can eat more hamburgers than you" Benson

and Phyllis "I'm saving everything

for my second marriage" Feinstein.

It's a very famous classroom here, Ms. Wright.

Some of the best teachers in this city

have passed through these windows.

Oh, I love it. Student's never change, do they?

"Arnold is easy."

"Call Vinnie, he delivers."

"Juan Epstein..."

Does what?

To whom?

Ah, Ms. Wright, don't pay any attention to that.

They like to brag.

What is that? Emergency phone numbers?

Oh, no, I guess you could call it my Bible.

Well, it might work on vampires, but not sweathogs.

This is the Jones College Guidebook

for remedial specialists.

I rely on it for everything.

I should warn you, one teacher to another

that these kids are not out of any books.

This is like working in an amusement park.

It's like going through a lion country safari

wearing a meatloaf suit.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, it's time to enter the magic kingdom.

I don't understand.

You will, just follow me.

Here they are, held over

for the second straight semester.

Living color.

♪ Hi-ho hi-ho hi-ho ♪♪

Well, I'd like you all to meet somebody.

Everybody say hello to your new student teacher, Ms. Wright.

You are gonna teach?

Here?

Us?

[laughing]

I'm so sorry.

Look, they brought us a rookie.

Yeah, I give her two weeks with us

and she's gonna shave her head and be selling incense

on the corner of 42nd street, eh.

Alright, alright.

Look, Ms. Wright is gonna be

spending a couple days with us.

I want you to show her some respect.

Hey, man...

[indistinct chatter]

Hello? Hello?

Just show her the same respect you show me, okay?

[indistinct chatter]

Hello? Hello?

Show her the same respect you show me

when I threaten to keep everybody after school

until August.

♪ Hello ♪♪ Hello ♪

♪ Hello ♪♪ Hello ♪♪

[all] Hello, Ms. Wright.

Well, these are your basic sweathogs.

Now I think it's time we started class.

Why don't you have a seat.

Okay, now I have just completed grading your essays

on "If I were president of the United States."

And I found them so very interesting

that I think some of them have to be shared

with the rest of the class.

Aw, come on, Mr. Kotter.

Alright, I would like to start out with this one.

It has a real snappy title.

"If I were the DC main man."

It's by a Mr. F.B.B. Washington.

[all cheering]

The B.B. stands for boom boom.

Since you're so proud of this

why don't you read it for everybody.

Alright.

Hi, there.

"If I was the prez, there would be equality

for everyone, I say."

- Why? - Why?

You wanna know why?

Because I believe in change.

I think we should change our national anthem

or at least get a better drummer!

I ask you, did you, did you ever try to dance

to the star-spangled banner?

Yes, brothers and sisters. I believe in change.

You got any ideas for change, you send them to me.

You ain't got no change, just send a fold in money.

I want your thoughts, I want your ideas

but mostly, I want your money!

All major credit cards accepted.

Hallelujah, baby!

[all cheering]

Thank you, Reverend Ike.

Next, we have a young man

whom we've all come to expect big things from.

So far, we are still expecting...

...but any day now.

- Mr. Arnold Horshack. - Alright, Arnold!

[applauding]

- Alright, Arnold! - Thank you, thank you.

No, really, thank you.

Thank you.

[clears throat]

Ahem.

"If I was president of these United States

"by Arnold Horshack.

"If I was president of these United States

"I would do away with the office of vice president.

"Why do I need an understudy?

"I would appoint Vinnie Barbarino

"as my minister of affairs.

"Juan Epstein..." Hi, Juan!

"He would be my secretary of hurting.

"And Mr. Kotter will head the department of health

education and Groucho."

Thank you, Arnold, how this elephant

got in my pajamas, I'll never know.

Oh, Mr. Kotter!

Ms. Wright, would you like to take the wheel for a while?

- Go ahead. - Yes.

Hello, boys and girls.

I'm...

Ms... Wright!

[all] Hello again, Ms. Wright!

Now, uh, the first thing to do would be to

check your seating.

What for?

To make sure you're alphabetical.

Well, I ain't. I'm Italian.

No, I mean...

♪ A B C D ♪

♪ G E F ♪♪

I heard of that, it's a good tune.

Well, are you?

What?

Sitting in the order of the alphabet?

Where?

In this class.

Hey, allow me to rectify myself, Ms. Wright.

We are alphabetical.

- Oh, what's your name? - Juan Epstein.

Does what to who?

[gasps] Don't touch me!

I'm sorry, I forgot myself.

Um, well, Mr. Epstein

uh, alphabetically, shouldn't the A's

be sitting where you are?

Well, yeah, that's absolutely correct.

You see, 'cause like every time I come into the room

everybody goes, "'Ey, Epstein!"

♪ 'Ey Epstein Epstein ♪

♪ Epstein rah rah ♪♪

- Yeah, baby. - Oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

- Oh, oh! - Yes.

And I should be sitting where the O's sit

because at least once in every class

I go, "oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!"

[indistinct chatter]

Ah, children now, quiet.

Children, uh, quiet!

Ahh...

Now...

...another way for us to get to know each other

is, uh, for each of you to, uh

stand and tell me a little bit about your ethnic background.

That will also give me a chance to check your racial balance.

Well, we either come out with half a Puerto Rican

or half a Jew left over.

My family, we couldn't afford our own background.

We shared ours with a Chinese family downstairs.

You ever try moo goo gai grits?

My grandparents, they came from Sicily

in a bottom of a boat filled with-with olive oil.

The minute it docked, they slid into Brooklyn.

Ms. Wright, I traced my family tree...

...and I found out that three of my uncles

all died of Dutch Elm disease.

Yeah, and you're a little sap.

- Ooh. - Ooh.

Well, your family swings in trees, Juan.

- Oh, yeah? - yeah.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, to maintain order...

Alright, guys!

Guys!

...to maintain order...

Cool it.

I can handle it, Mr. Kotter.

- Are you sure? - Mm-hmm!

- Mmm. - Sit down.

Everybody sit down.

Alright, then, I think we should just continue

with what Mr. Kotter was doing, reading essays on

"If I were president of the United States."

I have one here by Mr. Epstein.

Ah, beggin' your pardon, ma'am, but, uh, you see

I wrote a poem there, not an essay

and I'd rather not read it.

Oh, but you must take pride in your work.

Use of names and forces identity.

Come on, Mr. Kotter, do I gotta?

Ms. Wright is the teacher.

[scatting]

Oh, wait a second now.

I hear a note coming in from home.

"Dear Mr. Kotter or to whom it may concern.

"Juan cannot read his essay.

"He's had a sudden attack of...

"...laryngitis?

Signed, Epstein's mother."

Student refuses to read essay, student refuses to read essay.

"Read essay for him."

Very well, I shall have to read this for you.

"If I were president, by Mr. Epstein.

"If I were president for just one day

I'd take everyone's worries and just throw them all away."

- Oh, how nice. - Oh, how nice! Oh, how nice!

"I'd-I'd pull all the weeds and plant some flowers

"where they'd been, 'cause a flower's like a person

it always blooms in the end."

[laughing]

Hey, I-I asked you not to read it, I really did.

That's for Mr. Kotter to read.

What-what are you trying to do?

You come in here, you're trying to change things

you put us in alphabetical...

Yeah, you put us in alphabetical order

and then, and then you ask us about our ethnic background.

What's your ethnic background?

Ah, white bread...

No, that's cafeteria.

Come on, hey, it ain't in a book.

Come on, it ain't in the book.

Look at me, I'm the one that's talkin' to ya

and I asked ya, and I asked ya nice not to read it.

Alright, Juan. Come on, just take it easy.

[gasping]

It's not supposed to be like this.

Well, congratulations on setting a new record.

You just destroyed a career in under ten minutes.

♪♪

Buchanan High!

Kotter.

Looks like a lot of mail.

Have you got a chain letter?

Yes.

Oh, Ms. Wright, listen.

I wanted to apologize for what happened this morning.

No, Mr. Kotter, it's not their fault, it was mine.

I'm a failure as a teacher.

I ran, Mr. Kotter.

I never should have majored in Ghetto.

I should have majored in Suburb.

Kotter, look, we've gotta help her.

We need her kind of training, and I have a gut feeling

that there's a heck of a teacher in there somewhere.

Plus if Principal Lazarus finds out she's quit

it's my donkey.

Your donkey?

It's a good one, Mr. Woodman, really good.

Ms. Wright, look.

I understand how you feel

but you can't let one little incident cause you to quit.

I'm sorry, Mr. Kotter. I'm just not prepared for them.

Ah, they're nothing.

Your generation has it easy.

What was it like in your day, Mr. Woodman?

Well, let me put it this way.

♪ Nobody knows the trouble I've seen ♪

♪ Nobody knows the sorrow ♪♪

I don't know whether you've heard about it, Mr. Woodman

but Vaudeville's dead.

Now, believe me, Kotter, those were the tough years

back when they had inkwells.

You ever drink a thermos bottle of ink?

I coughed Rorschach test for a whole week!

Didn't they have spankings in those days?

Yes, but my students only spanked me once.

Ms. Wright, look, let me try and help you, okay?

Let's pretend that this is a class.

Now, what you gotta do is you gotta capture their attention

you know, their imagination. Now, I do it with humor.

Say that New York City has a financial crisis.

"Hey, kids, you know New York City

"has a financial crisis?

"I got a way to solve it.

The mayor should go begging one day a week."

"Excuse me, mister, spare $100,000 for a new bus?"

Then the class would laugh.

Ring, ring, ring.

- What are you doing? - It's the bell.

This is a pretend class. I'm pretending it's over.

♪ Nobody knows the trouble I've seen ♪

♪ Nobody knows the sorrow ♪♪

Alright, look.

I know that she's not what you're used to

but you gotta give her a chance.

I mean, yesterday was her first time

in front of a real class.

Oh, that's nice.

That's the first time you called us a real class.

- Good morning, Ms. Wright. - Good morning.

- Good morning, Ms. Wright. - Hey, how you doin'?

Well, uh, we just got underway

you wanna take it from the start?

Mm-hmm.

And, uh, thanks for your advice.

I know just what to do.

Ah, Ms. Wright, about yesterday

I'm really sorry.

It's just that, you know, you weren't capturing my style.

In your mouth with a sandwich.

Ah...

It's nice to be working here again at Buchanan.

Actually, it's nice to be working anywhere again.

[chuckling]

Ah, I know you're out there, I can hear you breathing.

Being a teacher reminds me of the story

of this student who asked his father

"Where are the Himalayas?"

And his father answered, "If you'd put your things away

"when you were through playing with them

maybe you could find them."

[laughs]

I'm rolling!

I hear New York is having a financial crisis.

Why don't we have a fire sale?

[laughing]

But-but seriously, folks.

But, uh, but seriously, Mr. Kotter.

I can't go on with this, this just isn't me.

- Where are you goin'? - I'm quitting.

Hey, no, you're not. No, you can't quit.

Why not? I'm a lousy teacher.

So what? It's only because we're lousy students.

I mean, we can't quit.

Ms. Wright, look, I'm afraid I gave you a bum steer.

You tried to do it by the book

and now you just tried to do me.

Why don't you try to be yourself?

You can't quit.

I mean, what would this world be like

if everybody just quit?

A lot like this class.

Yeah, where we'd be if Mr. Kotter

would've walked out on us, huh?

Still in the ninth grade.

We all learn the same basic things in life.

Doesn't matter if you're a teacher or if you're a student.

We can't stop learning.

- Try it again. - Come on, try it.

- Now you can't go home. - Come on.

Try it again.

But I just don't know how to talk to them.

Whatever you're gonna teach 'em, just teach 'em as yourself.

Okay. Okay.

Yesterday you were discussing presidents of the United States

so today I had wanted to tell you about President Buchanan.

Boy, that name sounds familiar.

Vinnie, that's the guy who this school was named after

President Buchanan.

Uh-huh, if they named this school after him

he must have been a lousy president.

Well, actually, you're right.

He was a lousy president, he was our 15th president

and he was largely responsible for the civil war.

Well, that wasn't so bad.

A lot of great songs came out of that war.

Yeah, yeah, if it wasn't for the civil war

can you imagine how dull

"Gone With The Wind" would've been?

Well, speaking of dull, President James Buchanan

spent four years in his office

staring at portraits on the wall

wondering if he was better looking

than George Washington.

Hey, you know what?

He probably would've made a terrific sweathog.

That's right, tell me more about this guy.

Tell me about it.

Well, he was the only president

that never got married.

I guess he never had a date.

[laughing]

And that's the way it was

nearly 200 years ago today.

This bicentennial moment is brought to you

by our teacher, Ms. Wright.

[all cheering]

I'm doing it, aren't I? I'm teaching.

- You certainly are. - I'm really teaching.

Welcome to the battle for the brains, teacher.

- Thank you. - So, what happened?

- Was he better looking or not? - Was he impeached?

He was the only president who couldn't get a date.

Julie, did I ever tell you about my uncle

Wilfred ♪. Kotter?

You mean the strange one?

Boy, was he strange. Strange guy.

One time he goes to a psychiatrist.

He says, "Doc, do you think it's possible

for a man to be in love with an elephant?"

- That's ridiculous. - That's what the doctor said.

"Mr. Wilfred ♪. Kotter, that is ridiculous.

A man cannot be in love with an elephant."

Well, my uncle looked kind of sad

and he said "Alright, but can you tell me

where I can get rid of an engagement ring this big?"

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪