Original subtitles

Julie, I ever tell you about my cousin Shermie?

Never said anything till he was nine years old.

No, I never heard about that one.

This is a true story, it amazed medical science.

This young boy never said anything

till he was nine years old.

All of a sudden one day he comes down for breakfast.

My Uncle Max looks at him, he says

"Cereal cold."

My Uncle Max said, "What did you say?"

"Cereal cold."

Says, "Shermie, for nine years you didn't say anything.

"How come all of a sudden this morning you say

cereal cold?"

Shermie says, "Well, up till now

everything had been all right."

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back ♪♪

♪♪

- What's happenin'? - Hey, Boom Boom.

Hi, there.

Hey, Freddie, um...

I was wonderin' if you could go

to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me Saturday night.

- Saturday night? - Yeah.

Well, let me see, I'm not sure

if I might be free then, you know?

See I might have to stay home and wash my hair.

Okay, Freddie.

You got two choices Saturday night.

Either you go to the dance with me

or you go to the hospital alone.

Vernajean, I'd love to take you to the dance any time.

I thought so.

Girls askin' guys out.

I think the whole thing is stupid.

You know when they should be able to ask us out?

When they can get us in trouble.

Hey, let me get this straight, now.

Any girl can ask any guy out on Sadie Hawkins day?

- You got it, Arnold. - I see.

Hi, boys.

Ready for the dance Saturday night?

[coughing]

Juan, here, I wrote this note for you.

- Let's check it out. - What's in the note?

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, hey, hey, what's goin' on?

- Epstein got a note. - Hey, come on!

So, big deal. Epstein's always got a note.

When he was born he had a note explaining why he was late.

Yeah, but Mr. Kotter, this is a note to Epstein.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, if it's a note to Epstein

then it's Epstein's own personal property.

Unless he wants to share it with us.

Hey! You guys are my friends, right?

- Come on. - Right, let's check it out.

Come on, what does it say?

"Dear Juan

roses are red, violets are blue

my kid wants to date a Puerto Rican Jew."

Signed Juanita Levine's mother.

Yeah, looks like you got a date, Juan.

Okay, come on, sit down.

Let's take attendance.

- Anderson is here... - Kotter, hide me!

Hide me quick.

What's the matter, Mr. Woodman? Missed a payment on your tie?

No, it's worse than that. Miss Fishbeck is trailing me.

She's gonna ask me to go to that dance.

Mr. Woodman, if there's one thing you are not

it's a sweathog.

Uh, Mr. Woodman?

Hi, there.

What's wrong with Miss Fishbeck?

What's wrong with miss Fishbeck?

Nothin' that a big brown paper bag over

her head wouldn't cure.

You know, Mr. Woodman, you'd probably be better off

stayin' home and playin' strip solitaire.

Epstein, get bent.

[laughing]

Check it for me will you, Kotter?

See if the coast is clear.

I don't believe it.

Alright, Louis, you can make a run for it.

Thanks, Kotter. I guess this is it.

Goodbye.

So, um, Vinnie, who you goin' with to the dance?

Well, I ain't decided yet who I'm gonna let take me.

I may have to hold a raffle.

Yeah, the, uh, winner gets a turkey.

[laughing]

Well, I think that the Sadie Hawkins idea is a terrific one.

It is high time the tables were turned

and girls found out what it feels like

to get turned down for a date.

I am not easy.

Hey, Arnold?

Oh yes, yes! A thousand times yes!

I would love to go to the dance with you.

We'll dance the night away.

Arnold, I just wanted to borrow your pencil.

Oh.

So here.

Well, Arnold

I take it you don't have a date yet.

Oh, don't be ridiculous!

Mr. Kotter, could I rent the missus for Saturday night?

Hey, Arnold, give me a break! I mean, she still might ask me.

[bell ringing]

- Alright. - Wait up, wait up.

- Come on, Epstein. - See you.

Don't forget your social studies homework.

Mr. Kotter, even though I think this whole Sadie Hawkins thing

is a stupid idea,

I think I should give Arnold a few pointers

on gettin' a date. Come over here, come over.

Now, first thing you gotta do is the Vinnie Barbarino look.

Okay, your hair, for instance, very casual.

It should look like it's being blown by unseen winds.

- How's that? - Yeah, that looks better.

Alright, the second is the Vinnie Barbarino stance, okay?

Now when you're with a girl, you don't wanna let her know

that you're there, right? Very nonchalant, okay?

Keep your eyes closed, stand in the corner.

Vinnie, you're gonna give yourself a third-degree

corduroy burn.

Alright, now loosen up.

We gotta loosen up here, alright?

Alright, start to relax.

Start to feel who you are.

♪ Say Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barbarino ♪

♪ A-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Babarino ♪

♪ A-Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-Barbarino ♪

♪ You got me rockin' and a rollin' and a boppin' ♪

♪ and a... Barbarino ♪♪

Vinnie. Earth to Vinnie!

Earth to Vinnie! Come in, Vinnie.

I'm sorry, Arnold, I got carried away with myself.

I think your pants are under arrest.

- Do you want me to try that? - Yeah, would you do that?

Yeah, go on.

Start to feel who you are.

♪ I said Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Horshack ♪

♪ Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Horshack ♪

♪ Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Horshack ♪♪

Boy, I hope that works better for him

than it does for me.

What're you talkin' about, Vinnie?

I don't got a date yet for that stupid dance.

Me, Vinnie Barbarino.

- Nobody's asked you? - I know!

I can't believe it.

Hey, you won't tell none of the guys, will you?

- No, Vinnie. - That's good.

I knew you'd understand.

You know, 'cause you're older and you're married

and your life is pretty much over now.

Well, I mean like as far as the fun part goes.

No, I know what you mean, Vinnie.

You know what I do for a good time now?

I go down to the cut rate drugstore

and I have a maalox malt.

Then for kicks, I come home and I turn on the TV

and I get undressed in front of the bionic woman.

Hi, Mr. Kotter. Sorry to interrupt.

- I-I just forgot my book. - Yo, make it quick.

We're talkin' private here.

I can't understand why you're havin' any trouble, Vinnie.

You certainly do have a way with women.

I know, that's why it don't make no sense.

Vinnie?

When you're done in here, could I talk to you?

I wanna ask you...

...something.

Yeah, maybe, if I got some time.

Oh.

Okay.

Bye, Charmaine.

- Vinnie? - Yeah?

- What's the matter with you? - What, are you, crazy?

You scared me half to death.

Don't you understand what happened?

Charmaine left her book here on purpose

so she could come back and ask you

to go to the dance.

Well, then what stopped her?

I think it was your charming personality.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Kotter.

Vinnie, let me tell you a little story.

Oh, no, please, don't tell me one of your stories.

Now you'll enjoy this one.

When I went to school here, my best friend's name

was Bonzo Meretti.

Right, I know.

Alright, well, this isn't about Bonzo

it's about his sister Betty. You got it?

Yeah, Betty Meretti.

Betty Meretti was the cutest girl in the school

but nobody ever asked her to go out

'cause everybody thought she always had a date.

So the cutest girl was sittin' home alone every night.

I guess you'd like to know what happened, right?

No.

Well, finally somebody did ask her to go out.

It was No-Face Finkleman.

Talked like this, "Oh, my name is No-Face Finkleman.

I got no face on me, he-he."

Now No-Face was not the best-looking guy in school.

No, it don't sound that way.

So I know what happened, right, they went to the dance

they had a good time and they went steady, right?

No, No-Face happened to get a little fresh with Betty

and Bonzo beat him to a pulp.

But the thing is that the best-looking girl in school

was sittin' home alone without a date.

Boy, that's some terrific story.

Why don't you send it in to "Reader's Digest?"

Well, don't you see, I mean, it's relevant

to what's happening here, you don't have a date because...

Arnold?

Yeah?

Would you like to go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me?

Sure.

But would it be okay if I opened my eyes

so I could see who you are?

Ah, hi, Charmaine.

Boy, did I blow that one.

I really blew it.

Well, Vincenzo, why don't you look

on the bright side of things?

Gives you Saturday night free to stay home

and catch up on your homework.

Mr. Kotter, don't you realize if I don't go out Saturday night

how boring my confession's gonna be?

Father O'Malley looks forward to seeing me all week long.

♪♪

- Horshack. - Huh?

What are you doing?

I'm combing my hair with unseen winds.

Yo, Vinnie, alright.

So who's taking you to the Sadie Hawkins dance tomorrow night?

Who's gonna escort our Italian Stallion?

And it better not be my sister.

Well, don't worry about it, Juan

because I'm bringin' a mystery guest.

Alright, alright.

Okay, now, let me guess, let me guess.

Is she tall?

- Well, she... - Is she short?

- Sort of. - Which? Tall or short?

- Both. - Vinnie, how could she be both?

Well, parts of her are tall and parts of her are short.

- Hey, Freddie? - Yeah?

Do you think that you could kind of help me brush up

on some of the new dances for the dance tomorrow night?

Oh, sure, Arnold. Which ones you need to learn?

All of 'em.

Right, okay. We're gonna start with the hustle, alright?

Okay, now the first thing I want you to do

is I want you to... feel your hips.

No, Arnold, Arnold, not with your hands.

Feel 'em with your head.

Got it?

I don't think it'll reach.

Epstein... just watch me... Epstein, give me a beat.

- Okay. - Now watch.

Very simple, see?

One, two, three, go, let yourself go, one, two, three.

Now follow me, come on. This is the one.

One, two, three, yeah. One, two.

Now spin with me.

Not too far now. Not too far.

Now side by side.

- Get a little slide there. - Oh, I got it!

I got the music in me!

Hey, hey!

This is supposed to be a school, not Soul Train.

Oh, hey, Mr. Woodman, I was just showing the guys here

some new steps for the dance tomorrow night.

Oh. Well, I'm going to the dance myself.

Oh, yeah? I thought you wasn't goin'.

Well, I wasn't, but, uh, Miss Fishbeck, uh...

...she caught me off guard.

She, uh, she hid in the faculty men's room, and...

When I walked in, she, uh...

...she jumped out of a stall and popped the question.

Oh, you know, Washington, I used to be

a pretty good dancer myself.

- Really? - Let me see that step again.

Oh, sure. Epstein, let me get that beat one more time?

A-one, a-two, a-you-know-what-to-do.

[beat boxing]

One, two, three, now twirl this way.

One, two, three... That's it, Woody!

Come on, woody, alright.

And slide. Alright.

And click them heels.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, now...

Mr. Woodman, you must be the brother the Jackson Five

don't talk about.

Kotter, I'm just brushin' up on the latest steps

for the Sadie Hawkins dance.

You resent me because I'm, uh, with it

and you're not.

Hi, boys. Guess what?

Believe it or not, I have been so busy

I forgot all about asking somebody to the dance

tomorrow night.

A-one, a-two, a-you-know-what-to-do.

[beat boxing]

Cute.

Vinnie?

I know it's probably too late

and I would've asked you sooner, but I was out sick all week.

But you wouldn't by any chance be free to go with me

to the dance tomorrow night?

Well, it shows pretty good taste that you asked.

But, um, I already got a date for that dance tomorrow night.

Sure, that's what I figured.

- Well, maybe another time. - Yeah, maybe another time.

So, you got a date after all.

No.

No? Then why'd you turn that girl down?

She was really cute.

You don't understand, Mr. Kotter

I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

I got a reputation to think of.

I mean, what would those guys think if they knew I got a date

the day before the dance?

Well, my friend...

...I hope, uh, you and your reputation

have a good time together tomorrow night.

♪♪

Come on, Michael, let's get it on!

♪♪

Well, little girl, how'd you like to play homeroom?

Hmm.

Don't you wanna get a passing grade in social studies?

This is great up here, just you...

...and me...

and Vinnie.

Hi, kids.

Vinnie, why aren't you downstairs with everybody else?

Julie, Julie, would you excuse me for a minute?

Sure. See you later, honey.

Vinnie, what're you doin' here?

Come on, let's go down to the dance.

I just can't, Mr. Kotter, not without a date.

I mean, the guys'll be so disappointed in me.

mean you got no idea what kind of pressure I'm under

being a living legend.

Vinnie, being a ladies' man doesn't make you a man.

It takes more guts to go down there and face your friends

without a date than it does to stay up here alone and hide.

I don't know about that.

Believe me, Vinnie.

Your friends will understand.

You really think so?

Vinnie, look on this globe.

There's a place here called Iran.

I wanna tell you a story about a guy in Iran.

No, no.

No more stories.

I'll do anything you want. I'll go to the dance.

I'll go home, I'll do my homework.

But no more stories.

Vinnie, listen, this is a good one.

I'm not as young as I used to be.

Ah, go on, Mr. Woodman.

You were never young.

I had to pay Washington a dollar to cut in.

That Fishbeck never knows when to stop.

It must be those orthopedic shoes.

You need a drink.

Oh, come on, Michael, let's boogie.

I broke my boogie.

- Eh, Vinnie, alright. - Hey!

Hey.

Hey, yo, Vinnie, where is she? Where is she?

- What? - Your date.

I don't got one.

Oh, that's so funny.

I thought I just heard Vinnie Barbarino say

he don't got a date.

That's right, Arnold, I don't got a date.

And on account of that, I was afraid to come here

and show up in front of you guys.

Oh, Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie.

Hey, it's okay.

You showed me how to act with a date

I can show you how to act without a date.

See, Vinnie, your friends understand.

Yeah, Mr. Kotter is right.

Thing like that could happen to anybody, Vinnie.

Hey, we understand.

Hey, don't we, Juan?

Oh yeah, yeah, we all understand

a-and you ladies understand, too, don't you?

What a coincidence, Vinnie.

There's somebody else here without a date.

Who?

Vinnie!

Come on, Vinnie, let's dance. They're playin' our song.

Come on, everybody, let's dance! Let's go, come on!

♪ Dance dance disco baby ♪♪

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Atlas?

He used to play handball every afternoon

with this guy Morty. Twenty years he played handball.

Now one day they're in the locker room

after the handball game, and his friend Morty

the guy he plays handball with, is putting on a girdle.

Morty was putting on a girdle?

That's what my Uncle Atlas said.

"Morty, you're putting on a girdle!

How long have you been wearing a girdle?"

Morty said, "Ever since my wife found it in a glove compartment

of my car."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And a smile when I think how you must've been ♪♪