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1
00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:04,337
Hi, honey,
I brought your lunch.
2
00:00:04,625 --> 00:00:06,348
- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.
3
00:00:06,431 --> 00:00:07,874
Did I ever tell you
about my uncle
4
00:00:07,874 --> 00:00:09,454
who thought he was a horse?
5
00:00:09,537 --> 00:00:12,192
Sounds like your family.
6
00:00:12,275 --> 00:00:14,519
My uncle thought he was a horse,
so my aunt went to see a doctor,
7
00:00:14,602 --> 00:00:16,002
she had to get him some help,
she said
8
00:00:16,003 --> 00:00:17,766
"Doctor, my husband thinks
he's a horse.
9
00:00:17,770 --> 00:00:19,590
He sleeps standing up,
he eats oats
10
00:00:19,672 --> 00:00:21,033
he neighs, he whinnies."
11
00:00:21,116 --> 00:00:22,555
The doctor said,
"Well, I have to see him.
12
00:00:22,638 --> 00:00:24,636
Bring him in Thursday
at three."
13
00:00:24,719 --> 00:00:26,061
She said, "Thursday at three?
14
00:00:26,143 --> 00:00:29,247
I can't, he's running
in the fourth at Pimlico."
15
00:00:34,031 --> 00:00:37,447
[theme music]
16
00:00:41,996 --> 00:00:44,655
♪ Welcome back ♪
17
00:00:44,738 --> 00:00:48,441
♪ Your dreams
were your ticket out ♪
18
00:00:48,524 --> 00:00:50,704
♪ Welcome back ♪
19
00:00:50,787 --> 00:00:55,579
♪ To that same old
place that you laughed about ♪
20
00:00:55,662 --> 00:00:59,887
♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪
21
00:00:59,970 --> 00:01:04,501
♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪
22
00:01:04,584 --> 00:01:06,633
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
23
00:01:06,716 --> 00:01:08,330
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead ya ♪
24
00:01:08,413 --> 00:01:10,463
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
25
00:01:10,546 --> 00:01:12,547
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
26
00:01:12,583 --> 00:01:14,589
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪
27
00:01:14,672 --> 00:01:16,722
♪ 'Cause we got him
on the spot ♪
28
00:01:16,805 --> 00:01:18,897
♪ Welcome back ♪
29
00:01:18,980 --> 00:01:23,381
♪ Welcome back
welcome back welcome back ♪
30
00:01:23,464 --> 00:01:29,078
♪ Welcome back
welcome back welcome back ♪♪
31
00:01:30,645 --> 00:01:32,105
♪♪
32
00:01:42,483 --> 00:01:44,706
- Mr. ♪.
- Hey, Mr. ♪.
33
00:01:44,789 --> 00:01:46,839
You still got that stomach ache?
34
00:01:46,922 --> 00:01:48,406
What stomach ache?
35
00:01:48,489 --> 00:01:51,974
Just making myself
a Alka-Seltzer egg cream.
36
00:01:52,057 --> 00:01:55,931
Oh, Mr. Kotter, how many times
do we gotta tell you?
37
00:01:55,989 --> 00:01:58,430
You do not eat
in the school cafeteria
38
00:01:58,513 --> 00:02:01,075
when they serve fish croquettes.
39
00:02:02,977 --> 00:02:04,620
The man never learns, does he?
40
00:02:04,703 --> 00:02:06,314
- Oh, I know, Vincent.
- I don't believe it.
41
00:02:06,385 --> 00:02:09,990
It's like conversing
with a stone wall here.
42
00:02:10,210 --> 00:02:14,324
Mr. Kotter,
does our tummy feel funny?
43
00:02:16,034 --> 00:02:19,078
No, Ms. Matusak,
my tummy is not funny.
44
00:02:19,161 --> 00:02:20,249
My ribs are ticklish.
45
00:02:20,332 --> 00:02:21,656
[chuckles]
46
00:02:21,739 --> 00:02:23,317
This is the third time this week
47
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,793
we've bought fizz-fizz
in our thermos.
48
00:02:25,822 --> 00:02:27,538
Do you have a stomach ache?
49
00:02:27,621 --> 00:02:29,763
No, there's nothing
wrong with me.
50
00:02:29,846 --> 00:02:32,215
I just happen
to like fizz-fizz.
51
00:02:33,149 --> 00:02:35,085
It's yum-yum.
52
00:02:35,168 --> 00:02:37,950
Well, you are in luck,
Mr. Kotter.
53
00:02:38,032 --> 00:02:40,774
A doctor from the free clinic
will be visiting the school
54
00:02:40,775 --> 00:02:43,418
to give free physical exams
to everybody.
55
00:02:43,438 --> 00:02:46,020
Oh, I know, my wife has been
working at the clinic.
56
00:02:46,020 --> 00:02:47,824
She's one of their volunteers.
57
00:02:47,907 --> 00:02:50,453
She brings me home
these pamphlets to read.
58
00:02:50,536 --> 00:02:52,698
"No one likes a carrier."
59
00:02:54,754 --> 00:02:57,494
"You and your rash."
60
00:02:57,577 --> 00:03:00,645
And "Trench mouth
is nothing to smile at."
61
00:03:00,777 --> 00:03:02,259
Mm. So true.
62
00:03:02,342 --> 00:03:05,582
uh, but about the program,
it's designed to provide
63
00:03:05,665 --> 00:03:08,805
free physical examinations
for the underprivileged.
64
00:03:08,888 --> 00:03:10,847
And nobody's
more underprivileged
65
00:03:10,930 --> 00:03:12,428
than your sweathogs.
66
00:03:12,511 --> 00:03:14,650
I hope I can count on
your cooperation.
67
00:03:14,733 --> 00:03:16,332
Well, I'll read it to them
first thing.
68
00:03:16,415 --> 00:03:18,977
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
69
00:03:19,049 --> 00:03:21,540
- Um, Ms. Matusak.
- Uh, yes?
70
00:03:21,540 --> 00:03:25,762
- I have this friend.
- Oh, really?
71
00:03:27,810 --> 00:03:30,306
No, no, no,
my friend has a pain.
72
00:03:30,389 --> 00:03:33,312
Oh, where is this pain,
Mr. Kotter?
73
00:03:33,395 --> 00:03:34,833
Well, it's in a very weird area
74
00:03:34,916 --> 00:03:36,878
right in between his chest
and his stomach.
75
00:03:36,898 --> 00:03:38,499
And the reason I say weird
is because I didn't know
76
00:03:38,499 --> 00:03:41,170
a person had anything right here
in between his chest--
77
00:03:41,253 --> 00:03:45,736
Oh, there are a great many
usable things in that area
78
00:03:45,806 --> 00:03:47,587
but I'm sure
it's just indigestion.
79
00:03:47,587 --> 00:03:49,003
See your doctor.
80
00:03:49,086 --> 00:03:51,147
Oh, it's not me, it's my friend.
81
00:03:51,230 --> 00:03:53,827
I don't have anything usable
in that area.
82
00:03:53,910 --> 00:03:55,651
[chuckles]
83
00:03:55,734 --> 00:03:57,776
Uh, maybe it's your diet.
84
00:03:57,776 --> 00:03:59,819
Your body is a temple, you know.
85
00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:00,839
Oh, I know, I know.
86
00:04:00,839 --> 00:04:03,476
There are lines
around my body every Saturday.
87
00:04:04,727 --> 00:04:07,590
In fact, on Yom Kippur
you need a ticket to get in.
88
00:04:07,590 --> 00:04:11,006
[laughs]
89
00:04:15,195 --> 00:04:18,366
That's a Jewish holiday,
you need tickets to get in.
90
00:04:19,227 --> 00:04:20,169
Yes, I know.
91
00:04:20,253 --> 00:04:23,650
Mr. Kotter,
you are what you eat.
92
00:04:23,650 --> 00:04:27,334
Well, in that case I could be
Julie's famous tuna casserole.
93
00:04:27,678 --> 00:04:29,016
Nobody would like me.
94
00:04:29,099 --> 00:04:32,515
[laughs]
95
00:04:35,210 --> 00:04:37,633
My wife makes bad tuna
casserole, nobody likes it.
96
00:04:37,717 --> 00:04:42,306
I see. You know, someday you
must try my chicken face soup.
97
00:04:42,326 --> 00:04:46,130
The secret is
you leave in the beaks.
98
00:04:52,940 --> 00:04:54,813
[Michael] You got a stomach ache,
huh, Kotter?
99
00:04:54,896 --> 00:04:58,600
Ah, you'll get used to it.
I've had one for 40 years.
100
00:05:01,223 --> 00:05:02,422
When did you get this
announcement
101
00:05:02,505 --> 00:05:03,846
from the free clinic?
102
00:05:03,866 --> 00:05:05,829
Ah, Ms. Matusak just gave it
to me.
103
00:05:05,829 --> 00:05:08,168
Well, she should never have
given it to you, it's a mistake.
104
00:05:08,251 --> 00:05:11,955
The last thing this school needs
is a lot of healthy sweathogs.
105
00:05:12,196 --> 00:05:14,219
- Come on, Mr. Woodman.
- No, I mean it.
106
00:05:14,302 --> 00:05:15,762
I, ah...
107
00:05:15,905 --> 00:05:18,929
I, I live for flu season.
108
00:05:21,474 --> 00:05:22,832
Tell your sweathogs
109
00:05:22,916 --> 00:05:26,111
to make appointments
with a veterinarian.
110
00:05:26,194 --> 00:05:31,068
[laughs] A veterinarian, I gotta tell
that to Principal Lazarus.
111
00:05:31,151 --> 00:05:32,208
He'll never get it.
112
00:05:32,291 --> 00:05:35,778
When I tell him,
I'll say animal doctor.
113
00:05:35,778 --> 00:05:38,681
Don't you see the joke there,
Kotter? Animals, sweathogs.
114
00:05:39,785 --> 00:05:42,186
You're no fun anymore, Kotter!
115
00:05:42,270 --> 00:05:45,990
- I was making my potion.
- Your potion. Huh.
116
00:05:50,785 --> 00:05:54,158
[panting]
117
00:05:59,163 --> 00:06:01,565
I'm not laughing, Kotter.
118
00:06:02,867 --> 00:06:05,349
You didn't laugh
at my veterinarian joke
119
00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:07,957
I'm not laughing at your
Jekyll and Hyde bit.
120
00:06:08,038 --> 00:06:09,907
My Jekyll and Hyde bit
was funnier--
121
00:06:09,990 --> 00:06:11,757
- It was not funny.
- It was much funnier.
122
00:06:11,757 --> 00:06:12,902
It was not!
123
00:06:12,903 --> 00:06:14,509
[indistinct chatter]
124
00:06:14,592 --> 00:06:16,052
♪♪
125
00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,423
Good morning!
126
00:06:22,521 --> 00:06:23,859
Hello.
127
00:06:23,943 --> 00:06:26,484
Quiet down, sit down.
128
00:06:26,567 --> 00:06:29,811
Okay, first of all,
homeroom announcements.
129
00:06:29,894 --> 00:06:32,873
[indistinct chatter]
130
00:06:32,957 --> 00:06:34,457
Quiet!
131
00:06:36,561 --> 00:06:38,443
The Buchanan Biology Club
reports
132
00:06:38,443 --> 00:06:40,545
the discovery of a new fungus.
133
00:06:41,488 --> 00:06:43,408
The school cafeteria
will be closed for lunch
134
00:06:43,491 --> 00:06:45,071
until further notice.
135
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,531
Alright! Yay!
136
00:06:46,930 --> 00:06:49,796
- Yay, baby!
- Now this is important.
137
00:06:49,879 --> 00:06:51,440
The free clinic is offering
138
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,944
free physical exams
to all students.
139
00:06:53,964 --> 00:06:56,104
A doctor will be coming
to our school
140
00:06:56,187 --> 00:06:58,668
so please sign up
for your physical.
141
00:06:58,743 --> 00:07:00,332
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
142
00:07:01,594 --> 00:07:03,961
Horshack wants to say something.
143
00:07:04,044 --> 00:07:05,936
Oh, oh, oh!
144
00:07:06,020 --> 00:07:08,041
We're trying to teach him
not to "oh, oh"
145
00:07:08,042 --> 00:07:09,662
unless it's important.
146
00:07:13,702 --> 00:07:15,054
Oh, oh!
147
00:07:15,138 --> 00:07:17,038
This is important.
148
00:07:17,121 --> 00:07:20,081
Mr. Kotter,
if it is all the same to you
149
00:07:20,164 --> 00:07:23,584
I don't want to have anything
to do with that free clinic.
150
00:07:23,667 --> 00:07:25,268
Why not, Arnold?
151
00:07:25,351 --> 00:07:29,674
Because my friend
Sheena Rosewater
152
00:07:29,757 --> 00:07:31,628
she went to that free clinic
153
00:07:31,679 --> 00:07:35,641
a perfectly healthy person.
154
00:07:35,724 --> 00:07:38,987
Half-hour later they told her
she was pregnant.
155
00:07:41,442 --> 00:07:45,368
Arnold, I can almost guarantee
that that won't happen to you.
156
00:07:45,494 --> 00:07:47,757
Okay, Mr. Kotter.
157
00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:49,940
[giggles]
158
00:07:50,023 --> 00:07:51,443
What's the matter with you guys?
159
00:07:51,526 --> 00:07:53,769
Are you scared
to go to a doctor?
160
00:07:53,852 --> 00:07:58,140
Hey, I don't go to the doctor,
I send people to the doctor.
161
00:07:58,141 --> 00:07:58,941
[Freddie] Hey!
162
00:07:58,965 --> 00:08:01,681
[applauding]
163
00:08:01,764 --> 00:08:04,506
Personally, I think
this examination stuff
164
00:08:04,588 --> 00:08:06,650
is a very good idea.
165
00:08:06,733 --> 00:08:10,278
So I volunteer to examine
all the girls.
166
00:08:10,361 --> 00:08:13,165
Vincenzo,
you don't examine anybody
167
00:08:13,248 --> 00:08:15,911
you got it wrong,
they examine you.
168
00:08:15,994 --> 00:08:18,035
Oh, that's okay.
169
00:08:18,119 --> 00:08:21,882
- Okay, girls, examine me.
- Sit down!
170
00:08:21,965 --> 00:08:25,009
Hey, yo, Mr. Kotter...
171
00:08:25,092 --> 00:08:27,896
I ain't lettin' no doctor
go pokin' around me.
172
00:08:27,896 --> 00:08:30,473
I once saw this dude's
appendix taken out.
173
00:08:30,557 --> 00:08:32,720
When did you work
in a hospital, Freddie?
174
00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:34,365
Ah, it wasn't in a hospital,
it was on the corner
175
00:08:34,365 --> 00:08:36,506
of 94th and Lexington Avenue.
176
00:08:38,190 --> 00:08:39,950
I don't mind doctors.
177
00:08:40,033 --> 00:08:41,672
You wanna know why?
178
00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:45,919
Because wherever there's
doctors, there's nurses.
179
00:08:46,914 --> 00:08:49,115
Those white stockings
with a seam in the back
180
00:08:49,198 --> 00:08:51,133
they drive me crazy.
181
00:08:56,732 --> 00:08:58,189
Until now.
182
00:08:59,636 --> 00:09:02,422
Hello, Mrs. Kotter.
183
00:09:02,924 --> 00:09:05,586
Checking up on the mister?
184
00:09:07,746 --> 00:09:10,314
Don't worry about it,
he's been with us all morning.
185
00:09:10,397 --> 00:09:11,857
Haven't you?
186
00:09:12,441 --> 00:09:14,988
Mr. Kotter,
I love to come into your class.
187
00:09:15,071 --> 00:09:18,295
Look at these faces, how
wonderfully underprivileged.
188
00:09:18,378 --> 00:09:20,022
Especially Arnold.
189
00:09:20,105 --> 00:09:22,528
You're under underprivileged.
190
00:09:23,234 --> 00:09:25,175
Thank you.
191
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:26,858
Hi, honey.
192
00:09:27,141 --> 00:09:29,231
[howling]
193
00:09:29,314 --> 00:09:30,897
Come on, Mr. Kotter,
that's not fair.
194
00:09:30,927 --> 00:09:34,327
We're very
impressionable children.
195
00:09:34,410 --> 00:09:38,056
Now, children, Mrs. Kotter
has the medical history forms
196
00:09:38,139 --> 00:09:39,742
for everybody to fill out.
197
00:09:39,761 --> 00:09:42,724
The doctor from the clinic
will be here this afternoon.
198
00:09:42,807 --> 00:09:44,447
Oh, goodie!
199
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:48,510
It may surprise you ladies
to know this
200
00:09:48,510 --> 00:09:52,274
but these big, bad,
brave sweathogs of mine
201
00:09:52,357 --> 00:09:54,260
are afraid to see the doctor.
202
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:56,252
Oh, we are not,
who told you that?
203
00:09:56,335 --> 00:09:58,024
- We never said that.
- We never said that.
204
00:09:58,107 --> 00:10:00,771
Okay,
well, if you're so brave
205
00:10:00,771 --> 00:10:03,233
who's gonna be
the first to sign up?
206
00:10:03,316 --> 00:10:04,776
Somebody?
207
00:10:06,122 --> 00:10:07,622
Anybody?
208
00:10:08,227 --> 00:10:12,971
- Arnold. Here ya go. Ah-ha.
- Oh.
209
00:10:13,054 --> 00:10:14,756
I would love to, Mrs. Kotter.
210
00:10:14,756 --> 00:10:17,149
But taking a physical
means undressing.
211
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,458
[Julie] Right.
212
00:10:18,541 --> 00:10:20,910
And no one ever sees my body.
213
00:10:22,687 --> 00:10:24,787
Not even me.
214
00:10:24,871 --> 00:10:27,074
Yeah, Mrs. Kotter,
even after gym
215
00:10:27,074 --> 00:10:29,902
he even showers
in his gym clothes.
216
00:10:29,918 --> 00:10:31,277
You might consider takin'
a shower
217
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:33,100
in your gym clothes too, Juan.
218
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:37,201
- Oo! Ooo! Ooo!
- Alright. Alright, come on!
219
00:10:37,202 --> 00:10:38,662
Enough!
220
00:10:40,315 --> 00:10:41,653
I'm gonna say this, alright?
221
00:10:41,736 --> 00:10:44,073
I'm ashamed of you people.
222
00:10:44,156 --> 00:10:47,541
A simple little thing like
a physical examination.
223
00:10:47,624 --> 00:10:49,522
There's no pain involved here.
224
00:10:49,605 --> 00:10:51,666
Even when they take blood
it's a small little thing
225
00:10:51,749 --> 00:10:52,967
it doesn't even hurt.
226
00:10:53,050 --> 00:10:54,689
Right, Julie?
227
00:10:54,772 --> 00:10:56,340
How would you know?
228
00:10:57,054 --> 00:10:58,655
How would I know what?
229
00:10:58,738 --> 00:11:00,901
How would you know what
it's like to take a physical?
230
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:03,615
When was the last time
you had one?
231
00:11:03,623 --> 00:11:06,159
- Recently.
- Recently?
232
00:11:06,242 --> 00:11:09,824
How recently was it?
233
00:11:09,907 --> 00:11:11,367
June,1954.
234
00:11:13,259 --> 00:11:15,144
[all laughing]
235
00:11:15,227 --> 00:11:17,955
Well, I think it's about time
that you took another one.
236
00:11:18,038 --> 00:11:20,780
What about that pain
you've been complaining about?
237
00:11:20,862 --> 00:11:22,645
Yeah, how 'bout it, Mr. Kotter?
238
00:11:22,665 --> 00:11:24,594
You want us to take a physical?
239
00:11:24,677 --> 00:11:27,028
- You take the first one.
- Yeah, that's a good deal.
240
00:11:27,111 --> 00:11:29,374
Mr. Kotter's a scaredy cat.
241
00:11:29,394 --> 00:11:32,026
[all] Mr. Kotter's a scaredy cat.
242
00:11:32,158 --> 00:11:33,439
[all] Na na-na na-na na!
243
00:11:33,439 --> 00:11:34,899
Alright.
244
00:11:36,482 --> 00:11:39,041
I don't want anymore of this
kindergarten behavior here.
245
00:11:39,124 --> 00:11:42,410
I'm an adult. If I want to see
a doctor, I'll see a doctor.
246
00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:45,758
And no more of this childish
name calling either.
247
00:11:45,759 --> 00:11:48,381
Besides, sticks and stones
will break my bones
248
00:11:48,464 --> 00:11:50,516
but words will never hurt me.
249
00:11:50,516 --> 00:11:51,977
Nah!
250
00:11:52,067 --> 00:11:56,756
- Sign it. Sign it!
- I'm not signing it.
251
00:11:56,839 --> 00:12:00,276
Boy, Freddie's been in there
with that doctor a long time.
252
00:12:00,566 --> 00:12:01,903
Aww!
253
00:12:01,986 --> 00:12:04,791
Don't be afraid, Mr. Kotter.
254
00:12:04,874 --> 00:12:08,441
Everything is gonna be
alright, you big palooka.
255
00:12:08,524 --> 00:12:09,938
[chuckles]
256
00:12:11,054 --> 00:12:13,494
Hey, Freddie.
257
00:12:13,577 --> 00:12:15,063
Kotter's scared,
let's put him on.
258
00:12:15,146 --> 00:12:16,560
Oh, okay.
259
00:12:19,267 --> 00:12:22,770
Hey, Freddie! Freddie, what's it
like in there, Freddie, huh?
260
00:12:22,852 --> 00:12:24,636
- Oh, Barbarino.
- No, no, no!
261
00:12:24,655 --> 00:12:26,474
It's me, Juan,
the little Puerto Rican guy.
262
00:12:26,475 --> 00:12:28,075
- Oh, I see.
- You got it.
263
00:12:28,098 --> 00:12:30,480
Oh, it's terrible in there, man,
it's terrible.
264
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,222
You see, it's dark in there
except for this one light
265
00:12:33,261 --> 00:12:36,546
blazing on this metal table.
266
00:12:37,062 --> 00:12:38,324
What-what-what...
267
00:12:38,407 --> 00:12:41,269
What happens when, what happens
when they get you in there?
268
00:12:41,309 --> 00:12:43,711
Two guys you can't even see,
they grab you
269
00:12:43,711 --> 00:12:45,290
and then they strap you down.
270
00:12:45,373 --> 00:12:46,973
And they turn on this machine.
271
00:12:47,014 --> 00:12:50,357
Zap, wingo, pow,
sparks that fly everywhere.
272
00:12:50,398 --> 00:12:52,498
You've got to help me, Horshack.
273
00:12:54,564 --> 00:12:57,145
I'm Mr. Kotter.
Look, It's Mr. Kotter.
274
00:12:57,227 --> 00:12:58,427
Feel the mustache. Mr. Kotter.
275
00:12:58,510 --> 00:12:59,973
Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah...
276
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:02,477
Did they, did they, they take
blood with a needle?
277
00:13:02,477 --> 00:13:03,937
- No.
- Phew!
278
00:13:04,679 --> 00:13:08,083
They got a shoebox
full of giant leeches.
279
00:13:14,689 --> 00:13:15,789
Where do you think you're going?
280
00:13:15,872 --> 00:13:17,711
I'm not going in there.
281
00:13:17,794 --> 00:13:20,815
Gabe, will you stop being
such a big baby?
282
00:13:20,898 --> 00:13:22,198
I resent that,
I am not a baby.
283
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:24,848
I'm a coward,
there's a big difference.
284
00:13:24,925 --> 00:13:28,268
- I'm not gonna see a doctor.
- Why not?
285
00:13:28,351 --> 00:13:30,451
I don't feel good.
286
00:13:31,015 --> 00:13:33,355
Oh, come on, Mr. Kotter, you
wouldn't disappoint a bunch of
287
00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:35,951
underprivileged kids, would you?
288
00:13:36,034 --> 00:13:37,469
Rather than go into that room
289
00:13:37,476 --> 00:13:39,575
with the leeches
and the metal table?
290
00:13:39,658 --> 00:13:41,674
You bet your boots.
291
00:13:41,757 --> 00:13:44,240
Kotter, you're next, let's go.
292
00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:47,928
No, I'm not going in there!
I ain't, I'm not going in there.
293
00:13:47,929 --> 00:13:50,987
[indistinct chatter]
294
00:13:51,070 --> 00:13:52,712
- I'm not goin' in there!
- What is this?
295
00:13:52,712 --> 00:13:55,653
Is this some new
teaching method, Kotter?
296
00:13:55,912 --> 00:13:57,894
Help me, Mr. Woodward!
297
00:13:57,977 --> 00:13:59,316
Well, I knew it's just
a matter of time
298
00:13:59,399 --> 00:14:00,911
before they turned on ya.
299
00:14:00,912 --> 00:14:01,712
[laughs]
300
00:14:01,713 --> 00:14:03,889
Pull on him! Go ahead.
301
00:14:03,889 --> 00:14:05,349
♪♪
302
00:14:11,412 --> 00:14:12,826
[door opens]
303
00:14:14,818 --> 00:14:16,806
How do you feel, honey?
304
00:14:17,346 --> 00:14:19,486
There's absolutely nothing
wrong with me.
305
00:14:19,569 --> 00:14:21,711
Okay, well,
if you're perfectly allright
306
00:14:21,711 --> 00:14:23,974
why wouldn't you go
to the doctor yesterday?
307
00:14:24,054 --> 00:14:26,935
Because if I go to the doctor
I might find out that I'm sick.
308
00:14:27,018 --> 00:14:27,876
Ah.
309
00:14:27,959 --> 00:14:30,102
I don't go to the doctor,
I'm perfectly alright.
310
00:14:30,102 --> 00:14:34,567
If I'm gonna die, I want it
to come as a complete surprise.
311
00:14:34,567 --> 00:14:36,910
- Bye.
- Where are you going?
312
00:14:36,911 --> 00:14:38,252
I'm going down to the clinic.
313
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:41,356
If you get hungry, there's
something on the stove for you.
314
00:14:41,357 --> 00:14:44,061
I found a new recipe
for chicken face soup.
315
00:14:44,061 --> 00:14:47,283
The secret is
you leave the beaks in.
316
00:14:55,810 --> 00:14:58,446
Will you chicken faces stop
staring at me?
317
00:14:59,350 --> 00:15:00,981
[knocking]
318
00:15:03,698 --> 00:15:04,679
Hey, Mr. Kotter, the way you've
319
00:15:04,679 --> 00:15:06,020
been acting,
you really might be sick.
320
00:15:06,020 --> 00:15:08,047
Now you don't want some stranger
to examine you, so...
321
00:15:08,047 --> 00:15:09,347
- We're goin' to do it for you.
- Relax.
322
00:15:09,348 --> 00:15:12,702
- There's nothing wrong with me!
- Shhh!
323
00:15:12,785 --> 00:15:15,155
Mr. Kotter,
you ain't got a heart.
324
00:15:16,327 --> 00:15:17,648
Epstein, you put those things
in your ears.
325
00:15:17,731 --> 00:15:19,193
Oh, yeah, okay.
326
00:15:19,243 --> 00:15:20,843
Alright, now, now cough.
327
00:15:20,926 --> 00:15:23,520
Come on, cough. Cough.
328
00:15:23,603 --> 00:15:25,063
Cough.
329
00:15:25,154 --> 00:15:27,523
How long have you
had this cough?
330
00:15:28,558 --> 00:15:31,379
Since you got here.
Do you know what you're doing?
331
00:15:31,462 --> 00:15:35,433
Are you kiddin'? I know this
stuff like the back of my hand.
332
00:15:38,087 --> 00:15:40,089
I never noticed that before.
333
00:15:40,172 --> 00:15:42,435
Okay, Horshack,
hang this up please.
334
00:15:42,455 --> 00:15:44,555
Certainly, Dr. Freddie.
335
00:15:50,907 --> 00:15:53,148
Kotterus erectus.
336
00:15:54,390 --> 00:15:55,850
Oh.
337
00:15:56,322 --> 00:16:00,129
You take a real nice picture,
Mr. Kotter.
338
00:16:00,225 --> 00:16:02,325
Okay, Mr. Kotter.
339
00:16:02,788 --> 00:16:04,790
You said that the pain
was between
340
00:16:04,869 --> 00:16:06,571
your chest and your stomach.
341
00:16:06,611 --> 00:16:07,450
- You got that?
- Ah-huh.
342
00:16:07,451 --> 00:16:08,786
Where is that, Dr. Horshack?
343
00:16:08,787 --> 00:16:10,849
Between the che... The liver.
344
00:16:10,932 --> 00:16:14,995
A-ha! A liver without onions.
345
00:16:15,078 --> 00:16:17,317
I'd take it back if I were you.
346
00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:20,523
Gentlemen, it is my belief
that this man's problem
347
00:16:20,523 --> 00:16:24,049
has something to do
with his spine bone
348
00:16:24,086 --> 00:16:26,308
which is connected
to his hip bone.
349
00:16:26,308 --> 00:16:30,416
Uh-huh, and, Dr. Horshack, the
hip bone is connected to the...
350
00:16:30,418 --> 00:16:31,888
Thigh bone.
351
00:16:31,971 --> 00:16:34,717
♪ And the thigh bone's
connected to the knee bone ♪
352
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,716
♪ And the knee bone's
connected to the shin bone ♪
353
00:16:37,799 --> 00:16:39,279
♪ And the shin bone's
connected to the-- ♪!
354
00:16:39,319 --> 00:16:41,299
Now cut that out!
355
00:16:50,947 --> 00:16:53,630
Alright, I admit it.
I'm afraid to go to a doctor.
356
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:55,235
[Freddie] Ha, chicken.
357
00:16:55,318 --> 00:16:56,778
Chicken.
358
00:16:57,407 --> 00:16:59,326
Stop it,
it's not that I'm chicken.
359
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,068
I just have a thing
about doctors.
360
00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:03,417
People have fears,
they're called phobias.
361
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:04,941
I'm sure you guys
have your own.
362
00:17:05,023 --> 00:17:07,518
My father has claustrophobia.
363
00:17:07,601 --> 00:17:10,086
- What's that?
- Claustrophobia?
364
00:17:10,169 --> 00:17:12,540
It's a dread fear of
Santa Claus.
365
00:17:16,392 --> 00:17:18,476
All I know, Mr. Kotter
366
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:22,607
is that I am not taking
any physical until you do.
367
00:17:22,686 --> 00:17:26,472
If I die,
let it be on your head.
368
00:17:26,472 --> 00:17:29,097
That's right. You really need
a physical, Mr. Kotter.
369
00:17:29,117 --> 00:17:30,175
No, I don't!
370
00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:32,079
I got a note.
371
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:35,043
"Dear Mr. Epstein
372
00:17:35,127 --> 00:17:38,348
"please excuse Gabey
from taking his physical.
373
00:17:38,431 --> 00:17:41,173
"He is not sick.
If he was, believe me
374
00:17:41,256 --> 00:17:42,936
a mother would know."
375
00:17:43,019 --> 00:17:45,440
Signed, Kotter's mother.
376
00:17:46,262 --> 00:17:49,918
You expect me to buy a cheap
trick like that, huh?
377
00:17:50,002 --> 00:17:51,704
Look, Mr. Kotter, see a doctor.
378
00:17:51,744 --> 00:17:53,268
Something might really
be wrong.
379
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:55,686
Yeah, I mean,
what would happen to us
380
00:17:55,769 --> 00:17:57,471
if we lose you as a teacher.
381
00:17:57,471 --> 00:18:00,692
Why, we'd sit around all day
and look at an empty chair.
382
00:18:00,775 --> 00:18:03,560
Yeah, we might get a teacher
who doesn't understand
383
00:18:03,578 --> 00:18:06,079
our unusual personalities.
384
00:18:10,282 --> 00:18:14,638
Or we might get a cute
little blonde substitute.
385
00:18:14,722 --> 00:18:17,407
Hey, Vinnie, come on,
the man might really be sick.
386
00:18:17,428 --> 00:18:19,029
I'm only kidding.
387
00:18:19,112 --> 00:18:20,335
Oh, Mr. Kotter,
don't you know that
388
00:18:20,335 --> 00:18:21,959
we really care about
what happens to you?
389
00:18:21,979 --> 00:18:23,462
- Yeah, look, we're here.
- We really do, man.
390
00:18:23,462 --> 00:18:24,876
Yeah.
391
00:18:28,454 --> 00:18:30,255
- Alright, I'll go to a doctor.
- Alright! Alright!
392
00:18:30,338 --> 00:18:31,845
Alright, come one.
Goodnight, boys. Go home.
393
00:18:31,928 --> 00:18:34,409
Hey, Mr. Kotter,
if you need a kidney
394
00:18:34,493 --> 00:18:35,928
I can get it for beans.
395
00:18:36,012 --> 00:18:37,734
As a matter of fact...
396
00:18:37,755 --> 00:18:39,858
As a matter of fact,
if you work for the city
397
00:18:39,858 --> 00:18:42,879
state, or local government,
I can get you organs wholesale.
398
00:18:42,963 --> 00:18:44,759
Get out! Out!
399
00:18:44,842 --> 00:18:47,186
- I can get it cheap.
- Out!
400
00:18:47,270 --> 00:18:51,856
Mr. Kotter, I feel bad about
saying that about the blonde.
401
00:18:51,939 --> 00:18:52,739
It's alright.
402
00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:54,959
A cute redhead
would be just as good.
403
00:18:54,959 --> 00:18:56,419
Get out!
404
00:18:57,554 --> 00:19:00,122
Here today, gone tomorrow.
405
00:19:00,205 --> 00:19:02,047
What do you mean by that,
Arnold?
406
00:19:02,129 --> 00:19:06,336
Oh, Mr. Kotter, I don't know.
407
00:19:06,336 --> 00:19:08,512
But I heard this guy
say it once
408
00:19:08,538 --> 00:19:10,940
and then the next day I went
over to ask him what it meant
409
00:19:11,023 --> 00:19:13,003
and he was gone.
410
00:19:13,927 --> 00:19:15,387
Get out!
411
00:19:15,547 --> 00:19:18,011
Here today, gone tomorrow.
412
00:19:18,094 --> 00:19:21,152
Hey, yo, Mr. Kotter.
Hey, do me a favor.
413
00:19:21,235 --> 00:19:22,638
Don't wait too long.
414
00:19:22,721 --> 00:19:26,072
- My Uncle Spec did.
- Well, what happened to him?
415
00:19:26,146 --> 00:19:28,409
Oh, he waited too long
to go see the doctor.
416
00:19:28,492 --> 00:19:29,785
He finally went.
417
00:19:29,795 --> 00:19:34,463
Five minutes after he left the
doctor's office, he was dead.
418
00:19:34,546 --> 00:19:37,091
- Heart attack?
- No, taxi cab.
419
00:19:38,463 --> 00:19:39,594
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I-I know.
420
00:19:39,677 --> 00:19:42,163
- "Out, out!"
- Getout!
421
00:19:42,164 --> 00:19:43,621
Get out!
422
00:19:45,164 --> 00:19:46,624
♪♪
423
00:19:49,335 --> 00:19:52,154
I'm so glad you finally
took a physical, Mr. Kotter.
424
00:19:52,237 --> 00:19:53,660
We all have
our little phobias.
425
00:19:53,744 --> 00:19:57,307
Why, the very reason I'm a nurse
is because I'm afraid to fly.
426
00:19:57,390 --> 00:19:59,672
I wanted to be a stewardess.
427
00:19:59,755 --> 00:20:02,337
I don't blame you,
the uniforms are sexier.
428
00:20:02,420 --> 00:20:03,504
Oh, yes.
429
00:20:03,588 --> 00:20:07,983
The glamour, the excitement,
the air-sick bags.
430
00:20:08,066 --> 00:20:10,688
Why, to be able to walk up
to a perfect stranger
431
00:20:10,771 --> 00:20:13,234
and say,
"coffee, tea, or milk?"
432
00:20:13,234 --> 00:20:14,955
Instead of just handing them
a little bottle
433
00:20:15,038 --> 00:20:17,843
and saying,
"you know what to do."
434
00:20:19,366 --> 00:20:20,678
Oh, uh, Kotter.
435
00:20:20,749 --> 00:20:22,811
Did you bring your thermos
of fizzy stuff today?
436
00:20:22,892 --> 00:20:25,286
I've got a pain right,
right about in this area.
437
00:20:25,297 --> 00:20:27,658
Well, how long have you had
this pain, Mr. Woodman?
438
00:20:27,741 --> 00:20:29,785
Since this morning
when Principal Lazarus
439
00:20:29,845 --> 00:20:31,739
hit me in the stomach
with a sophomore.
440
00:20:31,740 --> 00:20:34,457
[gasps] Oh. Come on, this way.
441
00:20:36,217 --> 00:20:37,718
- Hey.
- Hey, how you doin', man?
442
00:20:37,802 --> 00:20:38,901
- Alright, alright.
- So what's the verdict?
443
00:20:38,902 --> 00:20:39,835
Tell us everything.
444
00:20:39,836 --> 00:20:41,798
I'll tell you everything,
sit down.
445
00:20:41,798 --> 00:20:43,129
- Alright.
- Alright.
446
00:20:43,213 --> 00:20:46,857
First of all, I went to my old
pediatrician, Dr. Mel Melman.
447
00:20:46,940 --> 00:20:48,899
Dr. Mel Melman?
448
00:20:48,982 --> 00:20:51,463
No, no, his first name
is Melvin.
449
00:20:51,546 --> 00:20:56,113
Oh, Melvin Melmelman.
450
00:20:56,196 --> 00:20:57,929
No, I'll write it on the board,
Melvin...
451
00:20:58,012 --> 00:20:59,673
Who cares?
452
00:20:59,875 --> 00:21:01,237
Anyway,
I sat in his waiting room
453
00:21:01,237 --> 00:21:03,577
with 26 kids with runny noses.
454
00:21:03,660 --> 00:21:06,622
Ah. That's 52 little drips.
455
00:21:06,622 --> 00:21:09,994
[snorting]
456
00:21:12,832 --> 00:21:14,435
Did you have a long wait?
457
00:21:14,518 --> 00:21:16,200
No, it wasn't bad.
I occupied my time.
458
00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:20,962
I colored for a while,
connected the dots.
459
00:21:20,962 --> 00:21:22,582
You know, there's a lot
of interesting articles
460
00:21:22,665 --> 00:21:25,086
in that "Jack and Jill"
magazine.
461
00:21:25,169 --> 00:21:27,029
Oh, I knew that.
462
00:21:28,794 --> 00:21:30,926
Did you read that one that time
about the chicken
463
00:21:30,936 --> 00:21:32,152
who brought up the duck?
464
00:21:32,235 --> 00:21:33,035
That was nice.
465
00:21:33,035 --> 00:21:35,498
So what happened
after you went in?
466
00:21:35,581 --> 00:21:36,523
Yeah.
467
00:21:36,606 --> 00:21:38,907
Okay, now first thing,
Dr. Mel Melman
468
00:21:38,990 --> 00:21:41,093
stood me against the wall
and he measured me.
469
00:21:41,113 --> 00:21:42,575
And he was very impressed.
470
00:21:42,575 --> 00:21:46,012
I've grown three and a half feet
since my last visit.
471
00:21:47,202 --> 00:21:50,361
Then he gave me a lolly
472
00:21:50,445 --> 00:21:52,504
and he told me
that I was a good boy.
473
00:21:52,587 --> 00:21:56,050
Oh yeah, but what about
the pain in your chest?
474
00:21:56,050 --> 00:21:59,445
Well, Dr. Mel Melman said
that I should watch what I eat
475
00:21:59,492 --> 00:22:02,712
and I should avoid
nervous tension anxiety.
476
00:22:02,795 --> 00:22:03,996
Nervous?
What are you nervous about?
477
00:22:04,057 --> 00:22:05,218
What are you talkin' about?
478
00:22:05,218 --> 00:22:06,759
What have you got
to be nervous about?
479
00:22:06,779 --> 00:22:08,591
You've got a very relaxing job.
480
00:22:08,674 --> 00:22:10,458
Kotter, come over here
by the window
481
00:22:10,542 --> 00:22:12,298
I want you to see something.
482
00:22:12,381 --> 00:22:13,381
What?
483
00:22:13,465 --> 00:22:15,420
The flagpole, do you see it?
484
00:22:15,503 --> 00:22:17,084
Do you see what's waving
from that flagpole?
485
00:22:17,167 --> 00:22:21,069
Is it Old Glory? No.
Is it the school flag? No.
486
00:22:21,152 --> 00:22:23,273
- It's Ms. Fishbeck.
- Ms. Fishbeck
487
00:22:23,273 --> 00:22:26,274
[indistinct chatter]
488
00:22:26,358 --> 00:22:30,202
Oh, I can't believe
she finally did it.
489
00:22:30,222 --> 00:22:31,162
Now, Kotter, I'm holding you
490
00:22:31,162 --> 00:22:33,382
and your sweathogs
personally responsible.
491
00:22:33,425 --> 00:22:36,265
But, Mr. Woodman, how can you
be so sure it was my kids?
492
00:22:36,348 --> 00:22:40,533
I heard them. Kotter, who else
in the school laughs like this?
493
00:22:40,534 --> 00:22:42,714
[snorting]
494
00:22:44,770 --> 00:22:46,576
Nobody I know.
495
00:22:48,373 --> 00:22:50,138
Well, maybe you didn't do it.
496
00:22:50,221 --> 00:22:51,403
I don't know
how she got up there
497
00:22:51,403 --> 00:22:55,208
but I want Ms. Fishbeck lowered,
folded, and put away.
498
00:22:57,955 --> 00:23:01,540
You want to know why I can have
nervous anxiety, huh?
499
00:23:02,385 --> 00:23:05,129
Ms. Fishbeck
is connected to the flagpole.
500
00:23:05,212 --> 00:23:06,672
Ah.
501
00:23:06,909 --> 00:23:09,394
♪ Ms. Fishbeck's
connected to the flagpole ♪
502
00:23:09,477 --> 00:23:12,266
♪ And the flagpole's
connected to the schoolyard ♪
503
00:23:12,349 --> 00:23:14,965
♪ And the schoolyard's
connected to the boulevard ♪♪
504
00:23:15,048 --> 00:23:16,497
Get out!
505
00:23:16,580 --> 00:23:18,680
Get out! Out! Out!
506
00:23:20,086 --> 00:23:22,327
You, get out! Get out!
507
00:23:22,410 --> 00:23:24,912
Out! Get out!
508
00:23:27,220 --> 00:23:28,020
[door opens]
509
00:23:28,103 --> 00:23:31,027
Mr. Woodman, you gotta hear
about my Uncle Kermit Kotter.
510
00:23:31,028 --> 00:23:33,205
- No, I don't, Kotter.
- Listen, listen.
511
00:23:33,289 --> 00:23:36,213
Every day he walks by this
window and he sees this woman
512
00:23:36,213 --> 00:23:38,774
hitting this boy over the head
with a loaf of bread.
513
00:23:38,857 --> 00:23:41,100
This goes on for six months,
every day he walks by the window
514
00:23:41,100 --> 00:23:42,699
she hits him over the head
with a loaf of bread.
515
00:23:42,700 --> 00:23:44,802
And one day he walks by and
the woman is hitting the boy
516
00:23:44,885 --> 00:23:46,808
over the head with
a chocolate cake, right?
517
00:23:46,828 --> 00:23:48,708
He can't stand it, he knocks on
the window he said, "Miss
518
00:23:48,791 --> 00:23:50,594
how come every day a loaf of
bread and today you're hitting
519
00:23:50,594 --> 00:23:52,614
him over the head with a
chocolate cake?" And the woman--
520
00:23:52,696 --> 00:23:55,060
And the woman said,
it's his birthday.
521
00:23:55,060 --> 00:23:56,902
I heard it, Kotter.
522
00:23:58,068 --> 00:24:01,440
[theme music]
523
00:24:05,902 --> 00:24:07,362
♪♪
524
00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:15,829
♪ Welcome back ♪
525
00:24:15,912 --> 00:24:19,441
♪ Your dreams were
your ticket out ♪
526
00:24:19,524 --> 00:24:21,748
♪ Welcome back ♪
527
00:24:21,831 --> 00:24:26,492
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪
528
00:24:26,575 --> 00:24:30,931
♪ Well the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪
529
00:24:31,014 --> 00:24:35,457
♪ But those dreams have remained
and they've turned around ♪
530
00:24:35,540 --> 00:24:37,503
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪
531
00:24:37,586 --> 00:24:39,417
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪
532
00:24:39,500 --> 00:24:41,636
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
533
00:24:41,719 --> 00:24:43,509
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
534
00:24:43,592 --> 00:24:45,641
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪
535
00:24:45,724 --> 00:24:47,991
♪ 'Cause we got him
on the spot ♪
536
00:24:48,074 --> 00:24:50,037
♪ Welcome back ♪
537
00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:54,302
♪ Welcome back
welcome back welcome back ♪
538
00:24:54,385 --> 00:24:56,565
♪ Welcome back
welcome back ♪
539
00:24:56,648 --> 00:24:58,654
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪
540
00:24:58,737 --> 00:25:00,787
♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪
541
00:25:00,870 --> 00:25:03,050
♪ 'Cause we got him on
the spot ♪
542
00:25:03,133 --> 00:25:05,614
♪ Welcome back welcome back... ♪♪
39968
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