Original subtitles

Hi, honey, I brought your lunch.

- Oh, thank you. - You're welcome.

Did I ever tell you about my uncle

who thought he was a horse?

Sounds like your family.

My uncle thought he was a horse, so my aunt went to see a doctor,

she had to get him some help, she said

"Doctor, my husband thinks he's a horse.

He sleeps standing up, he eats oats

he neighs, he whinnies."

The doctor said, "Well, I have to see him.

Bring him in Thursday at three."

She said, "Thursday at three?

I can't, he's running in the fourth at Pimlico."

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

♪♪

- Mr. ♪. - Hey, Mr. ♪.

You still got that stomach ache?

What stomach ache?

Just making myself a Alka-Seltzer egg cream.

Oh, Mr. Kotter, how many times do we gotta tell you?

You do not eat in the school cafeteria

when they serve fish croquettes.

The man never learns, does he?

- Oh, I know, Vincent. - I don't believe it.

It's like conversing with a stone wall here.

Mr. Kotter, does our tummy feel funny?

No, Ms. Matusak, my tummy is not funny.

My ribs are ticklish.

[chuckles]

This is the third time this week

we've bought fizz-fizz in our thermos.

Do you have a stomach ache?

No, there's nothing wrong with me.

I just happen to like fizz-fizz.

It's yum-yum.

Well, you are in luck, Mr. Kotter.

A doctor from the free clinic will be visiting the school

to give free physical exams to everybody.

Oh, I know, my wife has been working at the clinic.

She's one of their volunteers.

She brings me home these pamphlets to read.

"No one likes a carrier."

"You and your rash."

And "Trench mouth is nothing to smile at."

Mm. So true.

uh, but about the program, it's designed to provide

free physical examinations for the underprivileged.

And nobody's more underprivileged

than your sweathogs.

I hope I can count on your cooperation.

Well, I'll read it to them first thing.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

- Um, Ms. Matusak. - Uh, yes?

- I have this friend. - Oh, really?

No, no, no, my friend has a pain.

Oh, where is this pain, Mr. Kotter?

Well, it's in a very weird area

right in between his chest and his stomach.

And the reason I say weird is because I didn't know

a person had anything right here in between his chest--

Oh, there are a great many usable things in that area

but I'm sure it's just indigestion.

See your doctor.

Oh, it's not me, it's my friend.

I don't have anything usable in that area.

[chuckles]

Uh, maybe it's your diet.

Your body is a temple, you know.

Oh, I know, I know.

There are lines around my body every Saturday.

In fact, on Yom Kippur you need a ticket to get in.

[laughs]

That's a Jewish holiday, you need tickets to get in.

Yes, I know.

Mr. Kotter, you are what you eat.

Well, in that case I could be Julie's famous tuna casserole.

Nobody would like me.

[laughs]

My wife makes bad tuna casserole, nobody likes it.

I see. You know, someday you must try my chicken face soup.

The secret is you leave in the beaks.

[Michael] You got a stomach ache, huh, Kotter?

Ah, you'll get used to it. I've had one for 40 years.

When did you get this announcement

from the free clinic?

Ah, Ms. Matusak just gave it to me.

Well, she should never have given it to you, it's a mistake.

The last thing this school needs is a lot of healthy sweathogs.

- Come on, Mr. Woodman. - No, I mean it.

I, ah...

I, I live for flu season.

Tell your sweathogs

to make appointments with a veterinarian.

[laughs] A veterinarian, I gotta tell that to Principal Lazarus.

He'll never get it.

When I tell him, I'll say animal doctor.

Don't you see the joke there, Kotter? Animals, sweathogs.

You're no fun anymore, Kotter!

- I was making my potion. - Your potion. Huh.

[panting]

I'm not laughing, Kotter.

You didn't laugh at my veterinarian joke

I'm not laughing at your Jekyll and Hyde bit.

My Jekyll and Hyde bit was funnier--

- It was not funny. - It was much funnier.

It was not!

[indistinct chatter]

♪♪

Good morning!

Hello.

Quiet down, sit down.

Okay, first of all, homeroom announcements.

[indistinct chatter]

Quiet!

The Buchanan Biology Club reports

the discovery of a new fungus.

The school cafeteria will be closed for lunch

until further notice.

Alright! Yay!

- Yay, baby! - Now this is important.

The free clinic is offering

free physical exams to all students.

A doctor will be coming to our school

so please sign up for your physical.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Horshack wants to say something.

Oh, oh, oh!

We're trying to teach him not to "oh, oh"

unless it's important.

Oh, oh!

This is important.

Mr. Kotter, if it is all the same to you

I don't want to have anything to do with that free clinic.

Why not, Arnold?

Because my friend Sheena Rosewater

she went to that free clinic

a perfectly healthy person.

Half-hour later they told her she was pregnant.

Arnold, I can almost guarantee that that won't happen to you.

Okay, Mr. Kotter.

[giggles]

What's the matter with you guys?

Are you scared to go to a doctor?

Hey, I don't go to the doctor, I send people to the doctor.

[Freddie] Hey!

[applauding]

Personally, I think this examination stuff

is a very good idea.

So I volunteer to examine all the girls.

Vincenzo, you don't examine anybody

you got it wrong, they examine you.

Oh, that's okay.

- Okay, girls, examine me. - Sit down!

Hey, yo, Mr. Kotter...

I ain't lettin' no doctor go pokin' around me.

I once saw this dude's appendix taken out.

When did you work in a hospital, Freddie?

Ah, it wasn't in a hospital, it was on the corner

of 94th and Lexington Avenue.

I don't mind doctors.

You wanna know why?

Because wherever there's doctors, there's nurses.

Those white stockings with a seam in the back

they drive me crazy.

Until now.

Hello, Mrs. Kotter.

Checking up on the mister?

Don't worry about it, he's been with us all morning.

Haven't you?

Mr. Kotter, I love to come into your class.

Look at these faces, how wonderfully underprivileged.

Especially Arnold.

You're under underprivileged.

Thank you.

Hi, honey.

[howling]

Come on, Mr. Kotter, that's not fair.

We're very impressionable children.

Now, children, Mrs. Kotter has the medical history forms

for everybody to fill out.

The doctor from the clinic will be here this afternoon.

Oh, goodie!

It may surprise you ladies to know this

but these big, bad, brave sweathogs of mine

are afraid to see the doctor.

Oh, we are not, who told you that?

- We never said that. - We never said that.

Okay, well, if you're so brave

who's gonna be the first to sign up?

Somebody?

Anybody?

- Arnold. Here ya go. Ah-ha. - Oh.

I would love to, Mrs. Kotter.

But taking a physical means undressing.

[Julie] Right.

And no one ever sees my body.

Not even me.

Yeah, Mrs. Kotter, even after gym

he even showers in his gym clothes.

You might consider takin' a shower

in your gym clothes too, Juan.

- Oo! Ooo! Ooo! - Alright. Alright, come on!

Enough!

I'm gonna say this, alright?

I'm ashamed of you people.

A simple little thing like a physical examination.

There's no pain involved here.

Even when they take blood it's a small little thing

it doesn't even hurt.

Right, Julie?

How would you know?

How would I know what?

How would you know what it's like to take a physical?

When was the last time you had one?

- Recently. - Recently?

How recently was it?

June,1954.

[all laughing]

Well, I think it's about time that you took another one.

What about that pain you've been complaining about?

Yeah, how 'bout it, Mr. Kotter?

You want us to take a physical?

- You take the first one. - Yeah, that's a good deal.

Mr. Kotter's a scaredy cat.

[all] Mr. Kotter's a scaredy cat.

[all] Na na-na na-na na!

Alright.

I don't want anymore of this kindergarten behavior here.

I'm an adult. If I want to see a doctor, I'll see a doctor.

And no more of this childish name calling either.

Besides, sticks and stones will break my bones

but words will never hurt me.

Nah!

- Sign it. Sign it! - I'm not signing it.

Boy, Freddie's been in there with that doctor a long time.

Aww!

Don't be afraid, Mr. Kotter.

Everything is gonna be alright, you big palooka.

[chuckles]

Hey, Freddie.

Kotter's scared, let's put him on.

Oh, okay.

Hey, Freddie! Freddie, what's it like in there, Freddie, huh?

- Oh, Barbarino. - No, no, no!

It's me, Juan, the little Puerto Rican guy.

- Oh, I see. - You got it.

Oh, it's terrible in there, man, it's terrible.

You see, it's dark in there except for this one light

blazing on this metal table.

What-what-what...

What happens when, what happens when they get you in there?

Two guys you can't even see, they grab you

and then they strap you down.

And they turn on this machine.

Zap, wingo, pow, sparks that fly everywhere.

You've got to help me, Horshack.

I'm Mr. Kotter. Look, It's Mr. Kotter.

Feel the mustache. Mr. Kotter.

Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah...

Did they, did they, they take blood with a needle?

- No. - Phew!

They got a shoebox full of giant leeches.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm not going in there.

Gabe, will you stop being such a big baby?

I resent that, I am not a baby.

I'm a coward, there's a big difference.

- I'm not gonna see a doctor. - Why not?

I don't feel good.

Oh, come on, Mr. Kotter, you wouldn't disappoint a bunch of

underprivileged kids, would you?

Rather than go into that room

with the leeches and the metal table?

You bet your boots.

Kotter, you're next, let's go.

No, I'm not going in there! I ain't, I'm not going in there.

[indistinct chatter]

- I'm not goin' in there! - What is this?

Is this some new teaching method, Kotter?

Help me, Mr. Woodward!

Well, I knew it's just a matter of time

before they turned on ya.

[laughs]

Pull on him! Go ahead.

♪♪

[door opens]

How do you feel, honey?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with me.

Okay, well, if you're perfectly allright

why wouldn't you go to the doctor yesterday?

Because if I go to the doctor I might find out that I'm sick.

Ah.

I don't go to the doctor, I'm perfectly alright.

If I'm gonna die, I want it to come as a complete surprise.

- Bye. - Where are you going?

I'm going down to the clinic.

If you get hungry, there's something on the stove for you.

I found a new recipe for chicken face soup.

The secret is you leave the beaks in.

Will you chicken faces stop staring at me?

[knocking]

Hey, Mr. Kotter, the way you've

been acting, you really might be sick.

Now you don't want some stranger to examine you, so...

- We're goin' to do it for you. - Relax.

- There's nothing wrong with me! - Shhh!

Mr. Kotter, you ain't got a heart.

Epstein, you put those things in your ears.

Oh, yeah, okay.

Alright, now, now cough.

Come on, cough. Cough.

Cough.

How long have you had this cough?

Since you got here. Do you know what you're doing?

Are you kiddin'? I know this stuff like the back of my hand.

I never noticed that before.

Okay, Horshack, hang this up please.

Certainly, Dr. Freddie.

Kotterus erectus.

Oh.

You take a real nice picture, Mr. Kotter.

Okay, Mr. Kotter.

You said that the pain was between

your chest and your stomach.

- You got that? - Ah-huh.

Where is that, Dr. Horshack?

Between the che... The liver.

A-ha! A liver without onions.

I'd take it back if I were you.

Gentlemen, it is my belief that this man's problem

has something to do with his spine bone

which is connected to his hip bone.

Uh-huh, and, Dr. Horshack, the hip bone is connected to the...

Thigh bone.

♪ And the thigh bone's connected to the knee bone ♪

♪ And the knee bone's connected to the shin bone ♪

♪ And the shin bone's connected to the-- ♪!

Now cut that out!

Alright, I admit it. I'm afraid to go to a doctor.

[Freddie] Ha, chicken.

Chicken.

Stop it, it's not that I'm chicken.

I just have a thing about doctors.

People have fears, they're called phobias.

I'm sure you guys have your own.

My father has claustrophobia.

- What's that? - Claustrophobia?

It's a dread fear of Santa Claus.

All I know, Mr. Kotter

is that I am not taking any physical until you do.

If I die, let it be on your head.

That's right. You really need a physical, Mr. Kotter.

No, I don't!

I got a note.

"Dear Mr. Epstein

"please excuse Gabey from taking his physical.

"He is not sick. If he was, believe me

a mother would know."

Signed, Kotter's mother.

You expect me to buy a cheap trick like that, huh?

Look, Mr. Kotter, see a doctor.

Something might really be wrong.

Yeah, I mean, what would happen to us

if we lose you as a teacher.

Why, we'd sit around all day and look at an empty chair.

Yeah, we might get a teacher who doesn't understand

our unusual personalities.

Or we might get a cute little blonde substitute.

Hey, Vinnie, come on, the man might really be sick.

I'm only kidding.

Oh, Mr. Kotter, don't you know that

we really care about what happens to you?

- Yeah, look, we're here. - We really do, man.

Yeah.

- Alright, I'll go to a doctor. - Alright! Alright!

Alright, come one. Goodnight, boys. Go home.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, if you need a kidney

I can get it for beans.

As a matter of fact...

As a matter of fact, if you work for the city

state, or local government, I can get you organs wholesale.

Get out! Out!

- I can get it cheap. - Out!

Mr. Kotter, I feel bad about saying that about the blonde.

It's alright.

A cute redhead would be just as good.

Get out!

Here today, gone tomorrow.

What do you mean by that, Arnold?

Oh, Mr. Kotter, I don't know.

But I heard this guy say it once

and then the next day I went over to ask him what it meant

and he was gone.

Get out!

Here today, gone tomorrow.

Hey, yo, Mr. Kotter. Hey, do me a favor.

Don't wait too long.

- My Uncle Spec did. - Well, what happened to him?

Oh, he waited too long to go see the doctor.

He finally went.

Five minutes after he left the doctor's office, he was dead.

- Heart attack? - No, taxi cab.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I-I know.

- "Out, out!" - Getout!

Get out!

♪♪

I'm so glad you finally took a physical, Mr. Kotter.

We all have our little phobias.

Why, the very reason I'm a nurse is because I'm afraid to fly.

I wanted to be a stewardess.

I don't blame you, the uniforms are sexier.

Oh, yes.

The glamour, the excitement, the air-sick bags.

Why, to be able to walk up to a perfect stranger

and say, "coffee, tea, or milk?"

Instead of just handing them a little bottle

and saying, "you know what to do."

Oh, uh, Kotter.

Did you bring your thermos of fizzy stuff today?

I've got a pain right, right about in this area.

Well, how long have you had this pain, Mr. Woodman?

Since this morning when Principal Lazarus

hit me in the stomach with a sophomore.

[gasps] Oh. Come on, this way.

- Hey. - Hey, how you doin', man?

- Alright, alright. - So what's the verdict?

Tell us everything.

I'll tell you everything, sit down.

- Alright. - Alright.

First of all, I went to my old pediatrician, Dr. Mel Melman.

Dr. Mel Melman?

No, no, his first name is Melvin.

Oh, Melvin Melmelman.

No, I'll write it on the board, Melvin...

Who cares?

Anyway, I sat in his waiting room

with 26 kids with runny noses.

Ah. That's 52 little drips.

[snorting]

Did you have a long wait?

No, it wasn't bad. I occupied my time.

I colored for a while, connected the dots.

You know, there's a lot of interesting articles

in that "Jack and Jill" magazine.

Oh, I knew that.

Did you read that one that time about the chicken

who brought up the duck?

That was nice.

So what happened after you went in?

Yeah.

Okay, now first thing, Dr. Mel Melman

stood me against the wall and he measured me.

And he was very impressed.

I've grown three and a half feet since my last visit.

Then he gave me a lolly

and he told me that I was a good boy.

Oh yeah, but what about the pain in your chest?

Well, Dr. Mel Melman said that I should watch what I eat

and I should avoid nervous tension anxiety.

Nervous? What are you nervous about?

What are you talkin' about?

What have you got to be nervous about?

You've got a very relaxing job.

Kotter, come over here by the window

I want you to see something.

What?

The flagpole, do you see it?

Do you see what's waving from that flagpole?

Is it Old Glory? No. Is it the school flag? No.

- It's Ms. Fishbeck. - Ms. Fishbeck

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, I can't believe she finally did it.

Now, Kotter, I'm holding you

and your sweathogs personally responsible.

But, Mr. Woodman, how can you be so sure it was my kids?

I heard them. Kotter, who else in the school laughs like this?

[snorting]

Nobody I know.

Well, maybe you didn't do it.

I don't know how she got up there

but I want Ms. Fishbeck lowered, folded, and put away.

You want to know why I can have nervous anxiety, huh?

Ms. Fishbeck is connected to the flagpole.

Ah.

♪ Ms. Fishbeck's connected to the flagpole ♪

♪ And the flagpole's connected to the schoolyard ♪

♪ And the schoolyard's connected to the boulevard ♪♪

Get out!

Get out! Out! Out!

You, get out! Get out!

Out! Get out!

[door opens]

Mr. Woodman, you gotta hear about my Uncle Kermit Kotter.

- No, I don't, Kotter. - Listen, listen.

Every day he walks by this window and he sees this woman

hitting this boy over the head with a loaf of bread.

This goes on for six months, every day he walks by the window

she hits him over the head with a loaf of bread.

And one day he walks by and the woman is hitting the boy

over the head with a chocolate cake, right?

He can't stand it, he knocks on the window he said, "Miss

how come every day a loaf of bread and today you're hitting

him over the head with a chocolate cake?" And the woman--

And the woman said, it's his birthday.

I heard it, Kotter.

[theme music]

♪♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back... ♪♪