Original subtitles

Do you know that, before I met you my father didn't like

any of the girls I was goin' out with?

Why not?

I don't know, I used to bring home all these girls.

And some of them were very nice girls,

but my father didn't like them.

He said, why don't you find me a girl just like your mother?

Then I'll be happy.

So I went out, I found a girl just like my mother.

What happened?

Didn't work out.

I mean, she was 58 years old, she had...

[applauding]

♪♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names Have all changed

Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams Have remained

And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease Him a lot

'cause we got him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪♪

Hey, Freddie, how ya doin'?

Hey, yo, Vinnie, you got it?

- What? - My English homework.

Epstein said you'd do it.

Oh no, Freddie, man, that went smack out of my head.

Last night, last night, I was sittin' down ready

to do it, right?

The phone rings.

It's Kiki Kornberg.

I couldn't believe it.

She asked me to come over 'cause she's afraid

to watch Laverne and Shirley alone.

[bell ringing]

Yeah, well, thanks a lot, Vinnie.

Because of you, I'mma get an F in English.

Freddie, look, if it makes you feel any better

so am I.

[laughing]

Well it don't, linguine brain.

Hey, who you callin' linguine brain?

Look, Freddie, I mean you gotta be pretty stupid

to think somebody like me could even do...

Stupid?

All right, hey, hey, hey, come on now, come on now.

Watchin' a fight I ain't in makes me nervous.

I'm stupid, you don't even know your ABC's.

Oh sure, I don't know my ABC's.

[clapping]

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What are you guys fightin' about?

Homework.

You guys are fightin' about homework?

I think I'm in the wrong school.

Look, Mr. Kotter, Freddie's mad at Vinnie

'cause Vinnie didn't do Freddie's English homework,

like I told him.

Wait a second, you're mad at Vinnie because Vinnie

didn't do his homework?

Nah.

Oh, then Vinnie did do his homework.

No.

Well that's stupid, I mean why would I think

that Vinnie's gonna do his homework?

Look, Mr. Kotter, nobody cares whether Vinnie

does his homework.

Vinnie didn't do Freddie's English homework,

like I told him!

Wait a minute!

Vinnie didn't do Freddie's English homework

like Juan told him.

Did Juan do anybody's homework?

Did Freddie do anybody's homework?

Why would anybody do Vinnie's homework?

All right, good morning.

Now, I know I'm gonna hate myself for saying this,

but will you all please take out your social studies homework.

Now, yesterday we were talkin' about the Renaissance

and their prize possessions.

And I thought it would be a nice thing if you all

wrote about or brought in your own prize possession.

Mr. Kotter, I would like to go first, all right?

Now I know I'm in the wrong school.

All right, my most prize possession is this,

my little black book.

[laughing]

Now, all little Renaissance kids had these little black books.

Now you're probably askin' yourselves,

why is there a letter after each of these girls names?

[laughing]

No.

Well, I'm glad you asked.

Now, this is the Vinnie Barbarino rating system.

Now, PG, PG means pretty good.

And R, R means really good.

I know I shouldn't ask, Vinnie, but what does X mean?

Dolores DelVecchio.

Dolores DelVecchio.

Okay, Freddie, you, next.

My most prize possession, I got it for you, baby.

Homework, huh-ha.

Right.

Oh, may I present my pet flea, Howard.

Oh.

Where'd you find him, Freddie, in Epstein's hair?

[laughing]

[hitting]

You know, Arnold, you're really developing quite a...

Sophisticated sense of humor.

I was wonderin' how much laughin' you're gonna do

without a tongue.

You know, Freddie, somehow I get the feeling

that you didn't do your homework.

Me, forget my homework?

Did you hear that?

Howard did you hear...

Where's Howard?

Now you made me drop him.

Oh, here he is, Freddie.

Come home, Howard.

Oh, little Howard.

Oh, thank you, my man.

Hey, give me five.

[laughing]

Will you guys cut that out?

You, down!

You, down!

You, up!

Oh.

This here's my dingy.

[laughing]

Very impressive, Juan.

Yup, it's made out of...

You know, the Horshacks have always been

a seafaring men.

I used Elmer's...

It was Popeye Horshack who discovered Coney Island.

Took me 12 weeks...

Oh, to go down to the sea...

Horshack, will you sit down?

[gasping]

Oh, boy!

I sat on your dingy.

Horshack, you squirrel.

How could you do that?

Like this.

[yelling]

Oh, Juan, I'm sorry.

Oh, sorry's an easy thing to say.

Oh, Juan, I'm really sorry, I said...

Wait a minute, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan,

just take it easy, all right, just take it...

I mean, I mean, this ship ain't a total wreck, you know?

I mean, you can still use one of these things

to get something out of your teeth.

All right, look, Juan, Arnold said he...

What do you know about homework, Freddie, huh?

What do you know about homework?

You didn't even do your homework.

No, you just... you just tried that Howard the flea bit.

Come on, it didn't work last semester in algebra,

it ain't gonna work now.

Even Kotter ain't that stupid.

Well, it ain't like bein' responsible for somebody

gettin' a f in English.

Oh, now Freddie's right, Vinnie.

You should not have let him down.

You didn't ' see me forgettin' to do your social studies

homework last week, oh no...

Horshack, will you just keep quiet, will ya?

Right in front of the teacher.

You didn't have to tell him you did my homework.

You're so stupid sometimes!

Well now I'm glad...

Hello, hello, hello.

Remember me?

Teacher, Mr. Kotter, authority figure.

You people have given me a headache

with all this arguing.

I'm gonna go outside and take these aspirins

and when I come back, we're gonna continue with class.

There'll be no talking while I'm gone.

No talking.

[door closing]

Hey, Horshack, big news flash, you're short.

Ha!

You too, munchkin.

Ha!

The whole room is short.

Hi, there.

I'm tall.

Hey, Freddie, I had it about up to here with the,

hi, there.

Hi, there bit.

Yeah, Freddie.

You know, you are not so elegant.

You are from Brooklyn, just like the rest of us.

Oh, yeah, well let me tell you somethin' else,

little Mr. Horshack.

I'm sick and tired of that stupid laugh of yours.

[mocking laugh]

Yeah, yeah, you sound like a '57 Pontiac

without a muffler.

And what are you laughing at, Epstein?

Run out of phony notes from home?

Dear Mr. Kotter, please excuse Juan for being a sheep head.

Signed, Epstein's mother's veterinarian.

Juan!

[laughing]

You like that slapstick, huh, Vinnie?

What?

What?

Where?

When?

That's some vocabulary, Vinnie.

You know what you are, you're a walkin' question mark.

Duh-da, duh-da.

You makin' fun of me?

Wha?

Listen, I got somethin' to tell you.

Your sister, Juan, your sister.

Oh, yeah?

Forget my sister, your mother!

Not my mother, that woman's a Saint.

Oh, yeah?

The light around her head don't fool me.

Yeah, well, I gotta message for you, all right.

In your pants with a bag of ants.

Oh, yeah, well in your pockets with red hot rockets.

Oh, really?

Well in all your pockets with red hot rockets.

Hey, are you talkin' to me?

Are you talkin' to me?

Are you talkin' to me?

Well, are you talkin'...

You must be talkin' to me.

Are you talkin' to me?

Don't look at me when you're not talkin' to me.

[whistle blowing]

Up your noses with rubber hoses.

You talkin' to us?

Hey, he talkin' to us?

He must be talkin' to us.

[whistle blowing]

All right, that's a personal foul.

Sweathogs,15 yard penalty.

First down, Kotter.

[clapping]

All right, I understand that when you're angry,

the littlest thing can tee you off.

I also understand how yelling like schlemiels satisfies

this need you have to let it out.

I also am a person.

I have a need to let it out, in the school.

Class!

No yelling.

No yelling.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, you right.

There should be no more yelling.

And besides, I ain't even talkin' to these punks.

Yeah, well I'll do better than that.

None of you's my friend no more.

I second that punk's motion.

I third that punk's motion.

With a cherry on the top.

That's terrific.

You guys look like a delinquent Mount Rushmore.

[laughing]

Oh, come on, Arnold, shake hands with Juan.

Come on, you're friends, this has gone far enough.

Come on, will you shake...

Guys, come on!

Freddie, come on, shake hands with Vinnie.

Start over, come on, this is getting out of hand here.

Will you shake hands?

Vinnie?

All right.

It's what you want, it's fine with me.

I'll just sit here for the rest of the period.

I'll read my paper, okay?

We'll have this total period in complete silence.

Oh, uh, Kotter...

[laughing]

Now, that's teaching, Kotter!

♪♪

Honey, would you eat?

Julie, what am I gonna do?

Kids won't talk to each other, and I can't teach them anything.

Well, what ever you do, eat first.

I tried something new with the tuna casserole.

The hard things are coffee beans.

[laughing]

That's just wonderful, Julie, that's just wonderful.

Mrs. Ulcer never comes over.

She can have mine.

You know, sometimes I get the feeling that you

wouldn't like my tuna casserole no matter what I put in it.

A lot of people, Julie, are afraid to go down

to the ocean because they've seen jaws.

I am afraid to go down to the ocean

because I think I will get attacked by

a giant tuna casserole.

[applauding]

You're a very, very funny man.

Gabe, go, Gabe, go away.

You're not funny, Gabe.

Gabe, this isn't...

Gabe, go away, away!

Far away, go!

Listen, since we're unburdening ourselves,

it's no petunia patch living with you, fella.

You think I like spending my entire life listening

to your stupid jokes?

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Abdul?

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Aunt Sophie?

[door knocking]

You wanna know why I tell jokes, Julie?

Cause I need to do somethin to cheer myself up

after one of your meals.

Mr. Kotter, I gotta talk to you about the fight we's all havin'.

Not now, I'm right in the middle of a fight.

Hi, Mrs. Kotter.

Listen though, it's important.

Like I'm the leader of the Sweathogs, right?

Well, how am I supposed to get anybody to follow my orders

if nobody'll even talk to me?

Vinnie, when you have a fight over something stupid,

what you have to do is you have to try

and remember what the people you're fighting with

really mean to you.

And you have to be a big enough person

to say you're sorry.

I'm sorry, Julie.

Me too.

What are you guys apologizin' for?

You ain't the ones who didn't do Freddie's homework.

Come on, Vinnie.

Get that chair and come have some dessert with us.

Come on, honey.

Mr. Kotter always thinks better with whipped cream

on his mustache.

Come on, sit down, Vinnie.

That's real nice of you.

I'll get some plates.

Ah, let's see what do we got?

Oh, boy, these are my favorites!

I'll enjoy this anyway.

Strawberry tarts, you like strawberry tarts, Vinnie?

They're all right.

Look, Julie, you know, when the Sweathogs have a problem,

you know how that makes me...

You got chocolate pudding?

We don't have any chocolate pudding, do we, Julie?

No, we don't have any.

We don't have any chocolate pudding.

They have a problem, and they won't talk to each other.

And if they won't talk to each other,

I can't teach 'em anything.

And if I can't teach 'em anything, I just get cranky.

I know, honey, but...

How 'bout spumoni, you got spumoni?

Do we have any ice cream?

No.

We have tarts, Vinnie.

Tarts, that's it!

Look, I know that, honey.

But when you keep making jokes about my tuna Cas...

How 'but Danish?

You got like Cherry danish, nice Cherry danish?

Vinnie, look, you wanna have dessert, have a tart.

If you don't wanna have a tart, don't have anything.

That's all we have, okay, is tarts.

Okay.

Julie, when you say things about my jokes,

you know how that makes me feel.

It wouldn't have to be cherry.

It could be like you know, prune or cheese.

We could send out.

Wanna know what the biggest joke in this house is?

- What? - Your tuna casserole.

If you just wouldn't make tuna casserole anymore, I mean...

Gabe, you wanna know what I think

about your Uncle Abdul?

[laughing]

I don't believe you did that, Julie.

Believe it.

Wanna know what I think about your family, Julie?

I have something I'd like you to send back to Nebraska.

Special delivery.

[laughing]

[applauding]

How 'bout espresso?

You got some nice espresso?

My mother, my mother, she always gives espresso.

Only the finest.

[clapping]

[bell ringing]

[shuffling]

Mr. Woodman, I have a favor to ask of you, a request.

I don't take request, Kotter.

What do I look like, Wolfman Jack?

What I am is what you get.

Just a second.

This is a school oriented request.

Is this one of your hair-brained schemes, Kotter?

Well, yeah, sorta, look.

What I'd like you to do is come into my class

and apologize to me, and let me forgive you.

It'll really mean a lot.

But I have nothing to apologize for, Kotter.

Mr. Woodman, it's not who apologizes,

it's the apology that's the important thing.

So you can come in and I'll apologize to you,

and you forgive me, how's that, okay?

Okay, that sounds pretty good.

Okay.

Come right in, okay?

Okay.

Hi, good morning, everybody.

- Now, today... - Now, Kotter?

It's Mr. Woodman, what a surprise!

Mr. Woodman, Oh, come on in, Mr. Woodman.

Mr. Woodman, you know something, I've been meaning

to apologize to you for 10 years now.

I'm the guy that put the catnip in your thermos.

You did that, Kotter?

Yes I did, and I apologize.

Do you forgive me?

I had to be rushed to an animal hospital.

I'm sorry, Mr. Woodman.

But remember, forgiving is an important thing.

That was three hours in an animal hospital.

I mean, I didn't mind that vet rubbing my stomach,

but I got awful tired of playin' with that stupid, rubber mouse.

Mr. Woodman, I apologize.

Now, you accept my apology?

Why should I accept your apology?

Listen to yourself.

You apologize too easily, Kotter.

Mr. Woodman!

Well, we were never what you would call close, anyway.

Mr. Kotter, would you mind keeping it down?

There's people trying to be angry here.

Vinnie, are you the leader of the Sweathogs?

Yeah, they ain't my friends but they still gotta do what I say.

Okay, okay, now let me see you lead.

We got a problem here and it's not gonna be solved

until there's an apology.

So go ahead, leader, do your stuff.

That's right, there's gotta be an apology here.

Horshack, apologize.

I was gonna do it anyways, Vinnie.

Hey, Juan, I'm really and truly sorry

for sitting on your dingy.

[laughing]

Oh, and here, Juan.

These are for you.

Enough toothpicks to make and even bigger dingy.

See, I got the ones with the cellophane top,

the little curly things, real pretty, classy.

Oh, Juan, to get these, I had to crash

so many bar mitzvahs.

Well...

There they are anyways.

Look, look, look, yesterday, yesterday I asked you people

to bring in your most prize possessions, right?

You guys have a possession that's more valuable

than broken dingies and forgotten homework.

You've got your friendship.

You're really close.

Now, that's somethin' you should fight to keep,

not give up.

Juan you do whatever you want, but you're a sucker

if you blow it.

Look, Mr. Kotter, for a guy like me, it ain't that easy.

I can forgive, but I can't forget.

But that don't mean we ain't pals, Arnold.

Oh, Juan!

You little Juan!

You little Horshack!

Okay, now what about the rest of you?

I'm really sorry for not doin' your homework, all right?

That's okay, Vinnie.

I probably would've been worse off if you did do it.

Hey, you know, I know this is an off the wall idea

but you people might consider doing your own homework.

Oh, Freddie, I'm so sorry for the things I said.

I didn't mean it.

Vinnie, oh, Vinnie.

[whistle blowing]

Over apologizing, five yard penalty, Sweathogs.

First and 10, Kotter.

[clapping]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names Have all changed

Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams Have remained

And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease Him a lot

'cause we got him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back ♪♪