Original subtitles

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Cecil

who was a highway patrolman?

No. I didn't know that you had an uncle

who was a highway patrolman.

Yes, I do, now one day he's on the road

and he sees this speck in his rear-view mirror.

It's coming at him faster and faster.

Right, he looks as it goes by, it's a guy running.

Cecil tries to catch up, he goes 60

70 miles an hour, can't catch up to his guy.

About five minutes later, he's turning the road

he hears groaning from the side of the road.

Oh...

Oh...

He looks and it's the same guy.

He says, "What happened, how'd you get here?"

the guy looks up and says, "You know what it is

"to have a blowout in your sneakers

at 80 miles an hour?"

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

Okay.

Now, a constitutional amendment has to be

ratified by at least two--

[bell ringing]

Alright, it's a fire drill, fire drill, alright

everybody remain cool and calm.

Not that calm!

Now line up there, single file, quietly.

Come on, let's go.

Come on.

Right you are, Mr. Kotter.

At a time like this, we should all

have a cool head.

Fire!

Fire!

Arnold, put him down, leave him alone.

- I'm okay now. I'm okay. - Arnold, Arnold.

Just a drill Arnold, take it easy.

Everybody else outside, just a drill.

- Go to your assigned places. - I'm okay. Oh...

But Mr. Kotter, when the bell rings

how do we know it's a fire drill

and not a real fire?

I guess we don't.

That's what I thought.

Fire!

Fire!

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, no! Oh, my goodness, no!

Hey, that's the third fire drill this week.

Hey, I had enough of these dry runs.

I think it's time the place caught on fire

so we can see how it's gonna do

under real pressure.

It's just a drill, I'm okay.

Alright, Kotter.

Which one of you Sweathogs turned in a false alarm?

Mr. Woodman, how can you be so sure

it was one of my kids?

You're right, Kotter, it was unfair of me.

Could've been you.

I remember when you were a Sweathog.

You put hot fudge in the inkwells.

I didn't put the hot fudge in the inkwells

that was Crazy Delaney.

I ran around afterwards and sprinkled nuts on it

but I didn't put it...

You did that.

Ain't that the kind of thing that makes you...

- Proud of him? - That's great.

Thank you very much, alright

the drill's over, let's go inside, come on.

- Come on, everybody. - Okay, everybody inside.

Hold it, hold it.

As long as you're all out here

let me, uh, check your lockers.

Principal Lazarus has ordered a locker inspection.

What are you looking for?

Anything I can find to nail your Sweathogs.

Mr. Woodman, what is this, be cruel to Sweathog day?

Kotter, every day is be cruel to Sweathog day.

This is my locker and welcome to it.

Good grief!

What is that?

Looks like an antique banana.

Arnold holds onto it long enough

it might be worth something.

I collect old fruit.

Strange boy, Kotter.

Very strange.

Epstein.

Hold it. You got a warrant?

I know my rights!

What's all this?

Those are the notes covering my absenteeism

for the rest of my life!

And look, you spoiled my filing system.

Arthritis.

Appendicitis...

Is this your locker, Barbarino?

What?

This locker, is this your locker?

Where?

What, where?

Barbarino, the only reason you got a head

is to separate your ears!

[both] Ooh! Ooh!

Separate?

I think Woodman just ranked you.

Well, can I rank him back without gettin' in trouble

can I do that?

I don't know. Can he do that?

Sure. I used to be pretty good at this.

Go ahead. Give me your best shot.

Clam breath.

[laughter]

And I won't get in no trouble.

No.

You mean it?

Sure I mean it, pepperoni puss!

[laughter]

Well, listen, you snow-capped leprechaun...

...you look like somebody played Danny boy

on your face with an ugly stick.

- Ooh! - Ooh!

Very funny, Barbarino.

That's so funny you can stay after school

for two weeks.

[overlapping chatter]

Wait a second.

Mr. Woodman, you told him that it was alright.

Just cool it, brillo head!

Not doin' it for that.

It's because of this.

What is this jacket with "Sweathogs" on it?

- It's nothing, nothing. - Wait a minute.

- Gangs wear jackets like this. - Nah.

Yeah, well, uh, those are our colors, you see

as guys, we formed a little club.

Yeah, well, exactly what kind of club did you form?

Well, it must be some terrific club

because so far they won't let me join.

You just haven't been initiated yet.

Non-school organizations are forbidden

on school grounds.

Now jackets mean gangs, gangs mean fights

and fights mean bad news.

Principal Lazarus doesn't like bad news, Kotter.

The last time I brought him bad news

he ate my tie.

Look at this, here's another one.

They're not people!

What's with him?

Where've you been, Freddie?

Oh, uh, man, I had some trouble.

- Hey, you okay? - What happened?

Hey man, those guys over at New Utrecht

said I invaded their turf.

Did ya?

No, not exactly.

Actually, I invaded Pearl Jackson.

Oh.

Unfortunately, she happens to live

right in the middle of their turf.

But y'all don't worry.

Old Boom knows how to take care of himself.

See, man, I got surrounded by these seven

big bad New Utrecht cats, right man--

Wait, wait, wait a second.

There was seven of 'em?

Either there was seven or two, I don't know.

Anyway, I looked 'em right in the eye

and then I'll say...

"Hi there."

They don't say nothin'.

They just look at me mean.

So I holds my ground.

And I look them straight back in the eye one more time

and then I said to them...

"Bye there."

[indistinct chatter]

Everybody back in class.

So what are you gonna do about this? [indistinct]

Don't you guys realize that if you walk around

with jackets like this, you're just asking for trouble?

I want you to listen to me.

Sooner or later, somebody's really

gonna get hurt.

Yeah.

Especially me.

[in unison] Yeah, especially him.

[theme music]

Oh, poor baby.

You don't look so good.

What's the matter?

I'm just worried.

Oh, honey. I was talking to the plant.

Edna.

Julie, why do you give all these plants girls' names for?

How do know they're girls, what do you do

peek under the leaves?

Besides, it's ridiculous for you to keep on

talking to plants anyway.

Well tonight, Edna's a lot more fun than you are.

I'm sorry, honey, I'm just worried about the kids.

- I'm worried. - Oh.

Excuse me, Edna.

Okay. What's the big crisis this time?

You have to help Horshack break in a new lunch box?

It's even more serious than that.

You're kidding.

No, I got a problem, Julie, the kids

have formed a gang.

And I don't know what to do.

I mean, I think there's gonna be a rumble.

A rumble?

What's a rumble?

Oh, I forgot.

You're from Nebraska.

In Nebraska, a rumble is when your cow

has a gas attack.

A rumble is a fight.

People hit each other.

Person could develop a coma.

I remember when I was in school

there was this guy I knew.

- Bonzo Maretti. - Bonzo Maretti.

Bonzo loved to rumble.

He would fight anybody, anything.

Buses, buildings.

Small towns.

One year, for summer vacation, he beat up everybody

in Utah.

[knock on door]

I think there's someone rumbling at the door.

- Arnold-- - Will you say I inspire fear?

Arnold.

I gather you're joining the gang, too?

Do you know what it's like, Arnold

to be in a rumble?

So?

What's a rumble like?

I want you to picture a game of hockey.

- Yeah. - Big guys.

- Oh. Ah. - With no teeth.

- Big sticks. - Uh...

And you're the puck.

Mr. Kotter, I want to be a punk

not a puck.

Goodbye, Mr. Kotter.

Mrs. Kotter.

Hm!

- Arnold... - I know!

Such a pity!

A young man like me cut down in his prime!

Do you know that I just got my first chest hair?

If you'd like to see it, I'll go home and get it.

Mr. Kotter.

Before I go to the...

[snapping fingers] ...rumble...

...there's only one thing I'd like you to do for me.

What's that, Arn?

Stop me from going!

Arnold, now that you've greased my shirt

would you mind oiling my shoes?

[theme music]

See as soon as we initiate Horshack he'll go off

in front of us then New Utrecht turkey...

How are we gonna initiate him?

I don't know, how did we initiate you?

Wait a minute. Nobody initiated me, remember?

I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

I started the gang, remember?

And when you start a gang, you got to initiate yourself.

Which I did, and it was very painful.

Yo, what do you gotta do to initiate yourself?

Oh, it was awful, really.

For a whole week solid, every day after school

I'd lock myself in my room

and watch reruns of "Gilligan's Island."

Oh, wow. Vinnie.

I had no idea.

How about you, Freddie, how'd you get initiated?

Oh, I didn't.

I joined on Vinnie's special

minority membership plan.

- Great, we got a great gang. - Yeah.

Epstein, what are you complainin' about?

You didn't have to get initiated.

Yeah, that's 'cause I got a note here.

- Let me read this. - You gotta see this one.

Go ahead.

"Dear punk

"Please excuse Juan from his gang initiation

"because of an inner ear problem.

He hates to hear himself scream."

Signed, Epstein's mother. Stupid, stupid.

Ah. Hey look, I got a great idea for the initiation.

Why don't we stick Horshack's head

in my gym locker for about three minutes?

We want to initiate him, not kill him.

Hello, fellow delinquents.

Alright, Horshack, you ready for your initiation? Huh?

Yeah, you ready to become a man?

Or something close.

- Hey, start. Start! - Go ahead, start.

Alright, I started, I already started.

I just gotta get my thoughts deranged.

Horshack, over here!

Frederick, give me some water.

Horshack, genuflect!

Gene-who?

I was gonna baptize him.

It's the only thing I could think of, alright?

You know, being catholic and all.

Horshack, you look like a vaseline factory

blew up on you.

[laughs]

Listen, Vinnie, if you're gonna have an initiation

why don't you initiate us all at once?

What do you mean all of us, man? Whatcha talkin' about all of us?

I brought some recruits.

So sit down, come on, sit down.

- Who'd you bring? - Recruits?

Is this a joke, there's recruits?

Epstein, I do not see you sitting!

I'm sitting. I'm sitting right here.

Okay!

[snapping fingers]

[whistling]

[in unison] Sweathogs!

Yeah!

[snapping fingers]

We came to join the gang, too.

We can help you guys break some heads.

Break some heads, what are you, crazy? Listen...

I wouldn't do nothin' to mar this natural beauty.

Mr. Kotter, we were just gonna throw the scare

on those New Utrecht guys on account

of what they did to Freddie here.

- Yeah. - What you bring Woodman for?

I can't believe it.

That's right, Kotter, what did you bring me for?

- Oh, good old ace over here? - Yeah.

He's the only one that's got the key

to the nurse's office.

What's the difference?

Let 'em knock each other's brains loose, pow!

Easy, ace.

Yeah, I'm gettin' the picture,

they all dress up like this, right?

You trying to stop us, we ain't gonna--

Hey, hey, no! We ain't tryin' to stop you!

I just remembered what a rumble was like

when I was school, how exciting it was!

I figured I could give you guys a few pointers!

Alright? Now, who's the first guy that's got the chains?

Chains. Chains, no, no, don't got no chains on me!

No chains, no one using chains?

- How about some brass knuckles? - Brass knuckles?

Sticks, you got sticks?

Sticks, you talkin' big time now.

I don't understand you guys.

What did you come here, go to a rumble

or go to a dance?

- Dance, that's a good idea. - Yeah...

We'll go right now, alright?

Let's go to dance.

Oh.

Looks like we don't have to go to the dance.

Here's the entertainment committee.

I didn't think they was gonna show up.

Alright.

Who's the leader here?

Uh...

...we heard you all Sweathogs was lookin' for us.

So, uh, we thought we'd make ourselves

easy to find.

You got a disease?

Was you lookin' for us?

What?

Was you...

...looking...

...for us?

Where?

I thought we was remedial.

Hey. Enough of this lip service here.

I came here for some action!

Who's the first guy who wants to lose control

of his face?

Will you cool it?

Who is this guy?

He's our teacher.

Your teacher?

This a tough school.

Alright, let's go.

No, wait!

Alright, now you can start.

I don't like to watch him dismember people.

That's the oldest punk I ever saw.

You a senior?

I'm the vice principal!

Vice principal?

This is a tough school.

Hey, what, are you nuts?

I'm not gonna mess with no vice principal!

Are ya turkey or ya lucky?

Just be glad you didn't have to mess with Horshack.

We call him the widow maker.

Him...

He's already got six notches on his lunch box.

That's right.

And how would you like to be number seven?

Hold me back. Let me at him!

Hey, hey, come o...

Quorum, please.

There's no need to get all worked up here.

Breathe deep, breathe deep.

Relax.

I'm sure that we can all work out

our little difficulties here.

We no problem. We'll talk.

We'll talk. Tomorrow.

Call my servants.

We'll have lunch.

He's the vice principal?

That's right.

And you're a teacher.

You got it.

What do you teach?

Home economics.

This is a tough school.

Alright!

Well, who ya lookin' for?

You lookin' for me?

Well, here I am, Vinnie Barbarino!

Hey, Carvelli. Your mother. Your mother--

Alright, alright, Vinnie.

Stop it.

I got 'em good.

Look.

I came here with Mr. Woodman and I convinced him

to dress this way

because we wanted to make sure nobody would get hurt.

I told ya, nobody was gonna get hurt, Mr. Kotter

we was just gonna throw a scare into those guys--

That's how it starts, Juan, you try to scare them

then they scare you then you push them

and they shove you.

You do something bad to them and they try to do something

worse to you.

That's the way wars get started.

It's the same thing with countries.

Head of one country says to the head of another country

"Off my case, tank face."

He wise back, "Up your nose, with Tokyo rose."

One week later, John Wayne is storming Iwo Jima.

Well, I don't want no part of nothing like that.

Yeah, me neither.

Hey, Mr. Kotter.

Does this mean I don't got to be tough no more?

That's right, Arnold.

Come on, we've all had a long day.

What do you say we, uh...

What do you say we all slide home?

[snapping fingers]

[theme music]

Hi, honey.

Hi, honey. Muah!

Thanks for bringing me lunch.

You're gonna love it.

I made you a sandwich of my famous tuna casserole!

[chuckles]

Well, go ahead, dig in.

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Harry Kotter?

- No. - Harry was a soft touch.

Anybody could sell him anything.

Talked like this, "Hello, I'm Harry Kotter

I'm a nice guy, anybody can sell me anything."

One time, he went to buy a suit.

Tried the jacket on, and one of the sleeves

is longer than the other.

Said to the salesman, "Hey, mister, this sleeve

"is longer than the other one, how can I really...

...the sleeve is long."

The guy said, "Look, just hold your arm like this

and it's fine."

Then he tries on the pants.

He notices that one leg is longer than the other.

"Mister, this leg is longer than the other one

"I couldn't walk down the street with a leg

longer than the other one."

Guy said, "Well, just hold your leg out like that."

Sells him the suit, Harry walks out of the store

these two guys notice him walking down the street.

One says to the other, "Oh, my God

look at that unfortunate fellow over there."

Other guy says, "Yeah, that's a shame.

Look how nice his suit fits."

[theme music]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪