Original subtitles

Did I ever tell you about my Aunt Esther

who was a matron in a movie house?

No. But go ahead.

Well, she's a matron in the movie house for years

and years and years, and one time she's walking down the isle

and she sees this guy lying there

stretched over about six seats like this.

And she said, "Don't you know how to act in a movie house?

"You can't do that. Just what do you think you're doing?

Where did you come from?"

He said, "The balcony."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

[school bell ringing]

Well...

Good morning!

- Good morning. - Hello.

Looks like we're in for a few, uh, late fines

for the class fund today.

Barbarino.

What are you listening to?

The news.

Barbarino, cough up 25-cents late fine.

What, are you kiddin'? I just bought this beautiful new radio.

I can't afford that.

Alright. Write an IOU for 25 cents.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, let's count the money in the fund.

- Hey, yeah. - Wait, wait, Washington's late.

Don't you wanna wait 'til your treasurer gets here?

Nah, I know where it's hid.

Some place to keep your money.

Halibut savings and loan.

Nice place to go if you ever wanna borrow a fin.

Oh, I bet you, we got about a million dollars in there!

- Oh, sure, a million dollars. - Or at least eight bucks.

[laughs]

Hey, it's gone! Somebody ripped off the class fund.

- Hey! - Wait a minute.

Looks like some Sweathog

made a sweat pig out of themselves.

Wait a minute. Freddie is the treasurer. Where is he anyway?

Yeah, where is Freddie? Have you seen him, Mr. Kotter?

- Where'd he go? - Alright, sit down.

Just sit down! Come on.

Let's not accuse anybody just 'cause they aren't here.

Oh. I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Kotter.

But I don't wanna leave my new bike outside.

There's a whole lot of crooks in this neighborhood.

Yeah, no kiddin', while you was peddlin' around the neighborhood

the class fund ain't in the fish no more!

- Ha-ha. So what? - So what?

You're the treasurer, man.

[whispering] Did you rip us off?

Did I rip us off?

[clamoring]

Oh, wow! Oh, you guys are somethin' else.

Oh, remember, you elected me treasurer.

"Let's give the money to Freddie. We can trust him."

- Now y'all calling me a thief? - No.

Embezzler is a better word.

- What's the story, Freddie? - Yeah.

- I got nothin' to say. - Oh, wow, hey.

Freddie, guy, look.

If you stole the money, just tell us, you know?

- We'll understand. Sorta... - Wh...

Wait a minute, wait a minute, everybody is accusing Freddie

without stopping to think who else might have done it.

You know something, Mr. Kotter?

The guy who stole that money must have been, like

really dumb, like, the dumbest guy in this classroom.

A real idiot.

What money?

Epstein knew right where the money was hid.

Everybody knew where the money was hid.

Horshack, how come you knew

exactly how much was in the fish?

- Yeah. - And what about you, Vincent?

With your brand-new radio and your jet-set lifestyle?

Horshack, I got this radio from you, remember?

Yeah, for six bucks, which you still owe me.

Well, that proves it then. I'm broke!

Alright, look, how about Freddie's bicycle?

[clamoring]

Alright, hold it! Hold it!

Let's stop accusing.

Let's just reconstruct the events

from the last time we saw the money.

- Alright. Yeah. - Yeah, okay. Reconstruct away.

Okay, now, when the bell rang yesterday

Barbarino was the first one outside the door as usual.

Yeah, and as usual, all the girls followed me.

And I left very quickly, Mr. Kotter.

That's right, Arnold, I remember that

because, uh, Epstein was chasing you.

Yeah, yeah. Nobody calls me sheephead, Arnold.

Okay. That left, uh, you and Freddie.

That's right. Freddie and I were alone.

Then I left and I said goodbye to Freddie, who was...

...standing alone by the fish tank.

- That's it. - Hm.

- I ain't no thief. - Freddie, just put it back!

[clamoring]

Wait! Just-just wait a minute, alright?

I didn't take anything, alright? Nothin'.

Look, what you guys are doing to Freddie is called railroading.

You're convictin' a man without a trial.

In this country you're innocent

until you're proven guilty, okay?

Now if you wanna have a trial

we'll have one tomorrow.

Alright, we'll have a trial.

Then we'll convict him.

[school bell ringing]

Hey, what's-what's the matter with you guys?

You guys call yourselves my friends, right?

My fellow Sweathogs.

Hey, I'm really sorry, Freddie.

Oh, Arnold...

But that's the price you pay when you choose a life of crime.

Look, don't worry about it, Freddie.

I'm gonna be your defense council.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Kotter.

At least somebody around here trusts me.

- Hey, I trust you, Freddie. - Yeah.

[sighs] You didn't take the money, did you?

No, you didn't.

You did? No.

Did you, Freddie?

Hear ye, hear ye.

Superior court of Sweathog in and for the State of Buchanan

and begin just as soon as, uh, Mr. Kotter

and the guilty party pull up a chair.

I am gonna send your client so far up the river

he's gonna come back with gills.

Horshack, will you take off those glasses

and that silly novelty nose?

Ha-ha-ha! The joke's on you, Mr. Kotter.

I ain't wearing no novelty nose.

Oh.

[gavel bangs]

All rise. Court is now in session.

The unbearable Vinnie Barbarino presiding.

Barbarino, I told you to wear a black robe.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Kotter. I thought you said a bath robe.

[gavel bangs]

Alright.

Now openin' statements will--

Yeah, I got a opening statement.

In the words of our former president...

..."I am not a crook."

[gavel bangs]

Okay, will the prosecutor

please present his briefs?

Certainly, Your Honor. Just let me get them out.

Your Honor

ladies and gentlemen of the jury

esteemed losing attorney...

...the guilty defendant.

Objection.

[gavel bangs]

Who asked you?

Thank you, Your Honor.

I intend to prove to this court

that the defendant Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington

is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.

Thank you. Your turn, Mr. Kotter.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have prepared...

...a lengthy defense.

But I'm gonna talk to you like you're my friends

'cause you are.

[Kotter] Yeah, certainly it's some hot weather

we've been having lately.

Real scorcher.

I am honored today to have such a worthy adversary

as the big city lawyer, Mr. F Lee Horshack.

My task today will be a simple one

so we can all go home and enjoy a nice dinner.

I believe the defendant is innocent.

And like my ol' daddy used to say

"When you walk through the cow pasture of facts

you're bound to step in some truth."

[laughs]

I believe with my heart, my soul and my conscience

this boy committed no crime.

Thank you for your time.

How am I doing?

You'll be lucky if they don't send you up, too.

Alright. Will the prosecutor please present his next witness?

I call Vernajean Williams.

[shouting] Vernajean Williams!

- Ms. Williams. - Yeah.

That's a very smart outfit you're wearing today.

Now, yesterday you were seen talking to Mr. Washington.

Would you please tell the class

the subject of that conversation?

Well, Boom Boom was just showin' me a bicycle

that he bought at a police auction.

For how much?

- Eight dollars. - Eight dollars!

Eight dollars! Guilty!

Guilty! Guilty!

I'm gonna bury your client so deep

he's gonna be the treasurer of Sierra Madre.

[indistinct chatter]

Ms. Williams, did you ask Mr. Washington

where he got the eight dollars?

- No! - No further questions!

- Next witness. - If it please the court...

I would like to call my surprise witness.

[shouting] Surprise witness!

[shouting] Surprise witness!

Come on, let's get on with this thing.

- Oh... - Oh...

Okay, raise your right hand and repeat after me.

[speaking in foreign language]

What is this? Am I sworn in?

No, but you've just been bar mitzvahed.Congratulations.

Now you are a man.

Take your hands off me, sheephead.

You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth.

Certainly. Washington did it.

Objection!

This witness is hostile.

Thank you, Kotter.

I, uh, I'm glad we're finally starting to communicate.

Mr. Woodman

you are looking very chipper this morning.

Please tell the court what you saw

Washington doing in the halls yesterday.

- Counting money. - He was counting money!

And what did you do?

I checked to see if my wallet was missing.

And how much money did he have?

I don't know, but it was all in dimes, nickels and quarters.

Oh, no.

It was all in dimes

nickels and quarters.

Your witness, Mr. Kotter.

This is like taking candy from a baby.

Mr. Woodman, is it?

You know my name, Kotter.

Uh, Mr. Woodman, are you currently employed here

at Buchanan High School?

No, I'm a jammer in the roller derby.

Mr. Woodman, you are, in fact, employed here

and you are employed in the position of vice principal.

- Isn't that true? - Yes.

For how long have you been the vice principal?

Twenty-seven years.

Twenty-seven years, Mr. Woodman.

One step away from the top.

So close, you could almost touch it, yet so far away.

Frustratin', isn't it?

Yes.

Mr. Woodman, what induced you to testify here today?

Well now, that's easy, Kotter.

The desire to fulfill my duty as a citizen

and interest in seeing justice served

and, last but certainly not the least

I saw a clean shot at torpedoing one Sweathog!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury

I must question the impartiality and the competency

of this surprise witness. No further questions.

Well, I think this is a good experience for your students

uh, Kotter.

In the future

they'll be, uh, spending a lot of time in court.

[laughs]

Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

Alright.

Okay, the defense will now call in its witness.

I only have one witness.

I call to the stand Mr. Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington.

- Raise your right hand. - Eh, do not bother.

I ain't got nothin' to say.

Freddie, I'm only gonna ask you one question.

Did you take the money?

Freddie, say something in your own defense.

Freddie, they're gonna find you guilty.

Your witness.

Aren't we quiet this morning, Mr. Washington?

Now, isn't it true

that when Mr. Kotter left you in the class

you had an easy opportunity to get to the money?

Isn't it true that you did, in fact

willfully and knowingly steal the money?

Isn't it a fact? Isn't it a fact?

[coins clattering]

[Horshack] Oh?

Hey, look. I guess we got our eight bucks back.

- Look at that. - You better guess again.

Barbarino, there's a lot more than eight dollars here.

[indistinct chatter]

[theme music]

[theme music]

That's, uh, $32.

Hey, Mr. Kotter

the prosecution is willing to discuss

a little plea bargaining.

- Hm? - What are you talking about?

Let's pardon Washington and you and I split the money

as legal fees.

Mexico awaits.

Horshack, you cannot pardon somebody

unless you first establish that they're guilty.

It's a court. Not the White House.

I wanna find out how that fish turned $8 into $32.

In an unprecedented move

the defense would like to call as its next witness

the prosecuting attorney, F Lee Horshack.

Me, on the stand?

[laughs]

Alright, Horshack, I have some questions about the $32.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen of the jury

the defense must be desperate.

Even if I knew anything, you would never get it out of me.

- Just take the stand. - I know...

What you're gonna try and do, Mr. Kotter

you're gonna try and break me down.

Me? The man of steel?

Well, unless you've got some kryptonite on you

you'll never weaken me.

I will never crack. Never, never, never.

You know what I think about the $32?

I did it! I did it.

[indistinct yelling]

I saw the fish and I put $8 in his mouth

so that Freddie wouldn't get into trouble.

Oh, I don't know what came over me.

Mercy on the court. Mercy, mercy, mercy.

Alright, the witness is excused!

Thank you.

You finally broke me down.

I don't know how you did it, but you did it.

Epstein, take the stand.

- Do I gotta? - That's right.

This court does not recognize

notes from your mother.

Can you throw any light on this mystery that we're unraveling?

I plead the Eighth Amendment.

That's the Fifth Amendment.

Inflation's hittin' everywhere.

Well, it sure hit our fish.

Did you put money in the fish?

Yeah, yeah, sure. Sure, I did.

I mean, uh, I didn't want my friend Washington

to take a bum rap, you know?

I mean, I just couldn't see Freddie walking that last mile.

Walk! The way the money's comin', he could take a cab!

Alright, you're excused.

I call as the next witness Judge Vinnie Barbarino.

Did you put money in the fish?

Judge, do I gotta answer that question?

Tell the witness he's gotta answer that question.

What?

The question. Did you put the money in the fish?

Where?

[gavel bangs]

Boy, are you stupid. You know that?

You're a real idiot. The question is...

Did you put the money in the fish?

Yeah. Put me down for eight bucks, would ye?

I was saving for my college education.

Mr. Kotter, well, we all guilty.

Between us, me and the girls put in $8, too.

Alright. That explains how the $32 got into the fish.

But it doesn't explain where the original $8 went.

And we're not going anywhere till the shadow of guilt

that surrounds my client is lifted.

Alright. I think it's time for the verdict.

So I'd like the jury, the member of the jury

to please come to a decision.

Okay, everybody, follow me.

Take your time about it. You got a man's future in your hands.

Please, take your time.

Sorry it took so long. I had a hung jury on my hands.

Alright. Has the jury come to a decision?

Yeah, Your Honor, we, the jury

find the defendant guilty as charged.

Alright, uh, w-would you guys

come on up to the bench and get your sentence?

Come on.

You had a lousy lawyer.

You're really gonna do this, you're really gonna

convict the man on circumstantial evidence.

Yeah, but, Mr. Kotter, we all know that Freddie is guilty.

Is that right? That's really right?

Well, maybe you might be interested

in takin' a look at this.

Let me see this.

It's a bank book for $8.

That's right. Now, what does that name say?

"The Sweethogs."

- "Sweathogs." Sweathogs. Yeah. - Sweathogs.

- Alright? - Oh, wow. You mean...

Freddie put our money in a bank?

You know, you never asked me once

"Freddie, where is the money?"

All you said was, "Freddie, why did you steal it?"

That's right, if you hadn't assumed he was guilty

he would have told you where the money was in the first place.

- Right. - Freddie...

Why'd you put it in the bank for?

Because a rubber fish don't pay 6% interest.

Oh.

Not only were you ready to believe

that your friend was a thief

but you made things worse by puttin' money in the fish

and tryin' to cover up for him.

I think everybody owes Freddie a big apology

including myself, because I had my own doubts.

- I'm sorry, Freddie. - Freddie, I'm real sorry.

- Hey, we're sorry. - We're sorry.

Hey. Hey, look, look. Hey, look.

Hey. Forget the apologies.

You know, I probably would have convicted me, too

under the same circumstances.

So, what are we gonna do with the $32?

You know what I say, I say

we give it to Fredrick "Boom Boom" Washington

our class treasurer, for safekeepin'.

[gavel bangs]

Here, Freddie. Yay, Freddie.

It's alright. Hey, I tell you what we're gonna do.

We gonna take all this money, we're gonna put it in the bank.

We gonna all be typhoons.

- That's, uh, tycoons. - No, typhoons.

'Cause at the end of the year we're gonna all blow it.

[all cheering]

[theme music]

- Julie. - What?

Guess what I have in my hands. No, guess, come on.

Um, a butterfly.

Nope.

A flower.

- No. Guess again. - Oh...

Gabe, this is stupid!

Alright, alright.

Um, an elephant.

What color?

[theme music]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've... ♪♪