Original subtitles

- Julie. - What?

My aunt goes into a pet store with my little cousin.

Terrific.

She says, "Look at this turtle.

"He bought this turtle here just two weeks ago.

"Look at it, mister!

It's got blisters on the bottom of its feet!"

"Look, lady, I sold turtles

"for 37 years.

"I never saw a turtle that had blisters

"on the bottom of its feet.

"We wouldn't sell a turtle like that.

"But alright, look, I remember you bought it here.

I'll give you another turtle."

Gives another turtle to the little boy.

Little boy lights up he goes

"Oh boy, look!

Another turtle truck!"

Vroom vroom vroom vroom!

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

Okay! Everybody let's, uh, let's thank Mr. Ferguson

for his Career Day talk on radio

how to be a DJ for big pay.

Hooray!

Oh!

Oh, very instructive, Mr. Ferguson!

But tell me, do you think that

with my voice I too could have a rewarding career

as a big time DJ?

Absolutely not, little fella.

But for the rest of you boys and girls

if you learn your top 40

you practice saying things like

"Here's Elvis, he's the king."

or "The long island expressway is blocked

up from the Bronx to Montauk"

you too can have an exciting and rewarding

career in big time radio.

Well, that's about all I have for today.

Say guys and gals, catch you on the flip side.

- Alright! - Yeah.

He's a very interesting guy, isn't he?

Yeah. Hey, you know what I noticed, Mr. Kotter?

All these dudes you got coming in for Career Day

they got one thing in common.

They all make more money than you.

Kotter.

This is your next Career Day speaker

Mr. Takahashi, uh, from Boonyari

Industries Tokyo, he's an inventor.

- Oh, nice to meet you. - And you too.

Try to control your beasts, Kotter.

Remember they're Sweathogs.

Don't turn your back on them.

Pretend we're still at war.

Um, Sweathogs?

Uh, that's my class' nickname.

Ah.

Yeah, I come often to New York on business

and I want to get to know America better.

Soon we may be buying Brooklyn.

[chuckles]

Mr. Takahashi, why don't you begin

your Career Day talk? Uh...

I'm really interested in inventions.

This should be great.

Oh, certainly.

Alright, class, I am an inventor

and with one of the world's largest manufacturers

of electronics.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh!

Is he alright?

That's about as alright as he ever gets.

Oh, I thought it was a duck trying

to commit harakiri.

No, I got a question about your career.

- Yes? - How come you're so short?

- Arnold! - That's alright, Mr. Kotter.

It's not that I 'm so short

it's that here you are all abnormally tall.

- I gotta question. - Hm.

You ever been to one of them geisha houses?

Geisha houses?

Uh, Vinnie, what does that have to do with

Mr. Takahashi's career?

Nothing. Just that if I'm ever in Japan

I always wanna know where I could go

to have a good time.

Mr. Takahashi, why don't you tell us about

some of your inventions?

Uh, yes, certainly.

Well, I invented the digital read-out

remote control hydroscope.

[chuckles]

You made that up, right?

Of course I made that up, I'm an inventor!

What give me greatest pleasure are things

I invent for personal amusement.

- Like what? - Um... Uh...

Transistorized underwear radio.

- Underwear radio? - Hm.

Can you get FM?

Yes, I can get FM.

I can get on a clear day Guam!

I never forget the time I sitting in a subway

and the lady next to me hear Wolfman Jack

howling in my pants.

Hey, you got 'em on now?

- Uh, yes. - Come on, play!

Yeah, let's have a little demonstration.

Come on!

Alright, alright, alright.

Suppose you are in a crowded subway

and you wish to dance.

Subway has no stereo, hmm?

♪ Come on baby ♪

♪ Let's do the twist ♪

♪ Come on baby ♪♪

That is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Underwear radio.

Boy, the guy's got a few batteries loose.

Hey, I hate to see him try to change stations.

I can see I'm not appreciated here.

I'll go to another class.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Short people are so sensitive.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

[speaking Japanese]

What did he say?

I think that was Japanese for up your nose

with a rubber hose.

[indistinct chatter]

Kotter, haven't you and your menagerie

done enough?

Mr. Whitman, uh, my class is here because

they have something to say to Mr. Takahashi.

My class has something to say to Mr. Takahashi.

What?

You're going to apologize?

When?

Right now.

[mumbles]

I apologize for the way I acted in the classroom.

Yeah, that's right.

Mr. Kotter explained to us that you went

out of your way to try

and to teach us something.

Mr. Takahashi!

I too would like to extend my apology

if I in any way offended you.

I am truly sorry you're so short.

Arnold!

And Mr. Takahashish, I think, uh

I think what my friend Arnold's trying to say is, uh

look, we're sorry if we're not good students, right?

But what kind of students can you expect

on the money they pay teachers!

How much do American teachers make?

[whispering]

[boastful chuckles]

[whispering]

[chuckles]

[chuckles and whispers]

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

[whispering]

[laughing]

[whispering]

[snorting laugh]

Wait a minute!

Cut this out!

Not funny.

And alright, alright, Sweathogs

I accept your apology.

Mr. Kotter, you are, um, a very persuasive man.

Um, what the American's call a can-do kind of guy. Hm!

I'm looking for such a man to head my sales staff

in my new branch in Chicago.

I even come up with a fancy title, uh

vice president in charge of Can-Do.

[chuckles]

Well, thanks a lot, Mr. Takahashi

but I'm happy here with the Sweathogs.

For say, um, twice your present salary.

Mr. Takahashi

obviously you do not understand what a dedicated

educator Mr. Kotter is.

Just a second, Arnold.

- You say two times? - Yes.

Mr. Kotter will have absolutely nothing

to do with that.

Alright, I make the offer three times.

- No dice. - Shut up, Horshack!

Three times?

With a pension plan, stock option

and parking place.

I don't even have a car.

And a car!

[chuckles]

Hey, no way, baby. No way.

You don't understand something.

There ain't nothing you gonna say

that'll make Mr. Kotter leave us.

- I know that. - That's right.

What kind of a car?

I'll handle this, Kotter.

Stick shift?

Takahashi, uh, you know, I might be available

for that position myself. And...

And I'm short, which should make you

feel right at home.

Uh, I will be in New York all week, Mr. Kotter.

At least think about it, hm?

I'll work for less than Kotter!

I won't let you down!

[indistinct chatter]

Imagine the nerve of that guy, huh?

Trying to lure you from the bowels of Buchanan.

[scoffs] And for what?

- For what? - Yeah.

Three times my present salary

stock options and pension

a car, right?

Probably with bucket seats!

I always imagined my seat in a bucket.

[chuckles]

[theme music]

I-S-H.

Nebbish.

Nebbish isn't a word, Gabe.

I don't want to play anymore.

I can't concentrate, Julie

I keep thinking about that job.

The money! What it would mean!

Getting out of this crummy neighborhood.

This dopey one room apartment.

I think you should grab it.

And leave all this?

That is why I never give you my opinion

because you never listen to me.

Come again?

Gabe!

You're right, I'm sorry.

I want your opinion.

Can I please have your opinion, Mrs. Kotter?

I think it would be great to move to Chicago.

And I think it would be great for you

to be paid a lot of money.

I'm not greedy, Gabe, but, but just think

of the possibilities.

A second pair of shoes.

Two rooms!

Gabe, our kitchen wouldn't be

in our living room anymore.

[knock on door]

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Be terrific to go to sleep one night

without having to listen to the meat marinate.

Ah, good evening Mr. Kotter.

Ah, Mr. Takahashi, come in.

Uh, you wish me to remove my shoes?

No, not unless you stepped in something.

[chuckles]

Mr. Takahashi, I'd like you to meet my wife Julie.

This is Mr. Takahashi.

I'm honored.

How do you do?

Mr. Kotter, as you wished, I have come for your answer.

Mr. Takahashi, I haven't made up my mind yet.

You gotta give me a little more time.

[knock on door]

Excuse me.

That car, would it be a convertible.

Anything you wish.

You're looking for the kung fu studio

it's in the basement.

Konnichiwa.

Uh-huh. Konbanwa.

I wanted to talk to you once more

about this job before you give it to Kotter

and make a big mistake.

I once made a big mistake.

Oh?

I once picked up a hitchhiker

outside of Osaka who looked just like you.

Sayonara.Goodbye.

Believe me, I 'd be perfect for the job.

I dress like this all the time

when I'm not in school.

Hey, you know, um

personally, I never minded Pearl Harbor.

I think they blew it out of proportion.

Right.

I bet I could learn to like raw fish.

[bell ringing]

Mr. Takahashi, you'll have my answer...

- By the end of the day. - Okay.

Come on, why don't you say goodbye

to the Sweathogs, come on.

Alright.

[gong sounds]

For the honor of the Sweathogs...

We decided to fight for our teacher.

Yeah, yeah. If you wanna take away Mr. Kotter

that means war.

Look, I know what you're trying to do

and I really appreciate it, but...

Ahhh!

Yah! Yah! Yah!

Hi-ya!

Hi-ya!

Ya-Ya!

Ya-Ya, ya!

Ah, sweat-hopper.

Hello, master.

How are ya?

Sweat-hopper it's old proverb of the universe

if boy wear plastic wig too tight

cut off circulation to brain.

He become village idiot.

Oh, so!

Thank you, master.

That explain dizziness.

[imitates groaning]

Strange boy, Mr. Kotter, strange.

You think he's strange, take a look at what's

coming through the door.

These are some rice cookies

I baked for you.

Horshack, you trying out for the job too?

Please, please, I did not mean

to bring such discord to your class.

Ah, well, as Confucius once say

"You don' gon' and did it, baby."

I, uh, totally understand.

You see your class does not wish to lose

their teacher, and it is all my fault

but let us examine what has happened here, hm?

I am a nice person. I am not a bad guy.

I come to Buchanan High and talk on Career Day

about what I do as inventor, what do I find?

Hah!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Make me wanna look under table for egg.

Next I get remedial academics, uh

all about jargon, reiterate, "We da Sweathogs."

[laughs]

Then you ask me what I do in geisha house.

That nobody business except mine

and girl I met in Osaka named Huthunaku.

Then you ask me, go ahead and demonstrate inventions.

So I do, I'm a nice person.

I get, "You get FM?"

I give you FM and a good joke about Wolfman Jack

but nobody appreciate! So I split.

I go to another class!

I still offended, but I accept your apology

and offer Mr. Kotter job two, three times his salary

with stock option, pension plan

parking space. What do I get?

Crazy vice principal follow me around

[indistinct] walk up and down my back

dressed like a samurai reject.

[indistinct] sashimi.

I don't want all those things.

Come here, what do I see?

Sesame Street doing madame butterfly!

[groans]

I don't want those things

all I want is two simple things

an answer from Mr. Kotter and a chance to tell you

for the last time, sayonara

arrivederci, shalom!

Goodbye, adios, and so long, Sweathogs!

Look, I can straighten this whole thing out.

You know what I forgot to do on Career Day?

I forgot to talk about my career!

What it means to be a teacher!

Your teacher.

Do you know how good I feel every time

I teach you people something?

Do you know I feel good, really good

when I help you discover that you're smart

not dumb?

I didn't know that.

Son of a gun, ya just did it again.

Ya taught us something!

You know, I don't do it for money.

We know that. Look at that cheap tie.

But you'd be surprised, I learned things

from you people too.

Yeah?

What'd you ever learn from me?

I'm sure someday there'll be something that...

...because, ladies and gentlemen

I am not leaving Buchanan.

[applause]

Mr. Takahashi, I'm a teacher

that's what I should be, a teacher.

And I wanna thank you for your generous offer

but I know I'm a success every time I look

at these faces.

I'm really sorry to disappoint you.

Ah, but you did not disappoint me.

You've made me very happy.

But I'm turning down the job.

But you proved my judgment to be correct.

I selected a man of honor

and, um, integrity.

Well, having money isn't everything.

Not having money isn't everything either.

You do impressions, very good.

I do impressions of tall people.

Um, James Cagney.

You... you...

[speaking Japanese]

And Edward G. Robinson.

Alright, yeah, yeah.

[speaking Japanese]

And, uh, Porky Pig.

Eh, th-th-the-eh th-th-th-eh sayonara!

Mr. Takahashi, you don't do impressions

you do subtitles.

[chuckles]

Uh, Mr. Kotter, I've had a great time.

I must catch my plane.

Sayonara,Sweathogs.

Sayonara,brother.

Bye, Mr. T!

[overlapping chatter]

And try one of these cookies!

[indistinct]

Okay, now I'm gonna give you a Career Day speech

on being a teacher.

Now, someday you're all gonna be leaving here. Probably.

And in that seat there's gonna be a new Barbarino

there's gonna be a new Epstein

there's gonna be a new Horshack.

Well, maybe not a new Horshack.

They're gonna need teachers.

They're gonna need people to mold their mind.

I want you to consider the rewarding career

of being a teacher.

Think of the accomplishment knowing that you're teaching

people things!

Where else can you get that same...

[indistinct chatter]

Just a thought that you have helped somebody

with their education, and thought that they might

go on to bigger and better things because of you.

These reasons and many others

that's what I love about being teacher.

Ohh!

[clapping]

Very boring, Mr. Kotter.

Boring! So boring! Oh!

Excuse me, Mr. Kotter, I seem to have

misplaced something.

I think one of my batteries fell from

out of my shorts.

Sayonara... Ah.

Mr. Takahashi, did I ever tell you about

my uncle Max and his friend?

Uh, no.

Well, my uncle Max and his friend

are at a Chinese restaurant, and they're talking

about politics and the whole world situation

and everything and his friend says

"Do you know, Max, that there's Jewish people

all over the world?

Do you know that there's Jewish people in India

there's Indian Jews, there's Jewish people

in Pakistan, Pakistani Jews

there's even Chinese Jews!"

No.

That's what Max says.

"No, there's no Chinese...

"What are you talking about, Chinese Jews?

There's no Chinese Jews."

Calls over the waiter, says

"Just a second, could you come over here?

"We're having an argument.

Could you tell us if there's an Chinese Jews?"

Waiter says, "Just a second, I find out."

Goes into the kitchen, comes back in a minute

says, "No, so sorry, no Chinese Jews.

We have prune juice, tomato juice..."

[indistinct]

[theme music]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead you ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could spot a friend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think ♪

♪ How you must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene ♪

♪ You were learnin' in ♪

♪ Was there something that made you ♪

♪ Come back again ♪

♪ Then what could ever lead ya ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪♪