Original subtitles

- Julie. - What?

Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Jerry, my Aunt Jule?

Uncle Jerry and Aunt Jule, isn't that cute?

They were married for 40 years.

And they decided to go on a second honeymoon.

And Uncle Jerry said, "Let's go back to the place

we had our first honeymoon. Wouldn't that be romantic?"

So, they go back to the same hotel

that they went to on their first honeymoon 40 years

before and they take the same room.

- Isn't that great? - Oh. Adorable.

When they get into the room, Aunt Jules says

"Jerry, remember what you did 40 years ago the first thing?

"Gave me a little kiss on the forehead.

Go ahead, do it again."

So he kisses her on the forehead.

Then she says, "Jerry, remember the second thing you did?

You held my hand, do it again."

So he holds her hand and she says

"Jerry, remember the third thing you did?

You gave me a little bite on the neck. Do it again."

He said, "Wait a second, I'll get my teeth."

[male announcer] "Welcome back, Kotter" is recorded live

before a studio audience.

[John Sebastian singing "Welcome back"]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

[thunder rumbling]

And so, with the fall of Tsar Nicholas

and the rise of the socialist proletariat

the Russian Revolution had come to a close.

The end.

[Freddie] Good speech.

[all cheering]

Oh, a truly inspiring lesson, Mr. Kotter.

Where did you learn all that stuff?

Simple, Arnold. I saw Dr. Zhivago four times.

[wheezy laughing]

That's so funny.

[laughing]

I'm sorry, I'm late.

[bell ringing]

- Timin', Vinnie. - Vinnie, that's the bell.

You just crossed over the line from late to absent.

It's lunch time, hey.

Hope you got a good excuse.

[Epstein] Hey, Vinnie.

Hey, Vinnie, come on, don't worry about it.

I can say a note for any occasion.

You see, I got me this new gimmick, Vinnie.

All my notes are in verse.

Hey, listen to this.

[clearing throat]

"Roses are red, violets are blue.

I've been home two days with the Asian flu."

Huh? Terrific? I got me a future in poetry.

Epstein, I don't think Rod McKuen is worried.

- Hey. Hey Freddie. - Yeah?

You got that note I sold ya for your science class?

- Oh, yeah. - Listen to this.

[clears throat]

"To my dearest science teacher.

"Please forgive me for missing your lecture on mold.

But I was home sick, with a bad head cold."

[both laughing]

You guys got any notes for sick grandmothers?

I just got back from the hospital.

My grandmother, she's really sick.

Oh, Vinnie.

I'm so sorry.

How old is she?

Eighty seven.

Eighty seven? Tsk tsk tsk.

Still a young woman.

Hey, man, what's she got?

I think she's just got a bad case of old.

Hey, Vinnie, who's to say what's old?

I mean, your grandma might pull through.

I read about a guy from South America

who's a 130 years old.

He lives in a hut he built out of his own kidney stones.

But, I think she's gonna die.

I mean, nobody has ever died on me before, Mr. Kotter.

I mean, they can't do that! I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

Vinnie, look, I mean, I know it's hard for you

but it's hard for everybody.

Death is just a part of life.

And we've all gotta learn to accept it.

Alright, look, maybe you'll feel better if we talked about it.

Hey, Vinnie...

...Mr. Kot-tair's right.

It's something that you...

...that you've just gotta accept.

You've learnt to accept death, Freddie?

Oh, yeah.

As long as it's somebody else's.

Thank you, Albert Schweitzer.

What do you think about the subject, Arnold?

Personally...

...I'm against it.

Yeah, well, I don't worry about death.

I got a note for wherever I go.

Here's an interesting question.

What do you guys think happens to somebody after they die?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I think...

...that death is kinda like Miss Fishbeck's English class.

Very, very boring.

But I figure we're all coming back anyway

and when I come back...

...this time I'm comin' back taller.

You believe in reincarnation, Arnold?

No, I just believe in being taller.

[laughing]

With my luck, if I got reincarnated

I'd come back as Mr. Woodman.

How can you guys talk about that kooky stuff at a time like this?

I mean, this is serious.

A Catholic is dyin'.

[Kotter] I'm sorry, Vinnie. We're just kiddin' around.

Hey, Mr. Kotter

why do you suppose people gotta die?

Arnold, throughout history, the great philosophers, thinkers

they've all pondered that question, you know?

Did they ever come up with an answer?

Probably. They're all dead.

Horshack, people got to die 'cause that's the way

God likes things.

I mean, he works in mysterious ways.

Oh, you mysterious guy, you...

Yeah. If we all live forever, you know what that would mean?

Yeah, it would mean you guys would spend

200 years in the 11th grade.

[laughing]

You know what they say.

Once you're dead, life ain't worth livin'.

Mr. Kotter, I wanna ask you somethin', alright?

I mean, have you ever lost anybody?

Yeah. I lost my Uncle Manny. Somebody I really loved.

He used to come over to my house every Saturday.

Always have somethin' for me, a toy, a present.

Always have a pocket full of change.

"Come here, Gaby. What do you need, a quarter? Here ya go."

And always yell at my mother if she would baby me a little bit.

"What're you doing, Esther? Leave him alone.

"He doesn't need his earmuffs. It's August.

Let him go outside."

And he'd spend the afternoon losing to my father at pinnacle.

He always lost to my father at pinnacle.

Then one Saturday, he didn't show up.

I asked my mother, "So where's Uncle Manny?"

She said that he was sick in the hospital.

Did he have any last words to you?

Yeah.

Said,"Gabey, come here.

"I got somethin' to tell you.

"I didn't say this for 40 years.

Your father cheats at pinnacle."

I will never forget my grandfather's last words.

Beautiful.

He said, "Nurse... oh!Oh! Oh!"

[gasping]

"Oh!"

Mr. Kotter, if your uncle

when he was like that, when he was sick like that

if he'd wanted you to do somethin' special

would you have done it?

Sure. I mean, if I could have.

Oh, no, that's what I was afraid of.

- Now, I guess I gotta do it. - Do what?

You see, the... the whole time

my mother was pregnant with me, right?

My grandmother gave up totally on her ever becomin' a nun.

I think that was realistic, Vinnie.

And my grandmother, she'd always say

"Vincenzo, I would-a die a happy woman

if you would become a priest."

Phew! That's a rough one.

My grandmother said she'd die happy if I just

keep out of jail and never get tattooed.

Vinnie, you've gotta be fair to yourself.

You've got a right to be whatever you wanna be.

[wheezy laughing]

I'm sorry, I don't mean to laugh.

[laughing]

But you, a priest!

[laughing]

You, a priest!

Horshack!

Sorry, Father Vinnie.

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on, Vinnie.

Alright, alright, alright.

Let's look at this situation with a little bit of...

...cool and logic.

You got as much chance being a priest as I do getting the lead

in a school production of Snow White.

Yeah. And Freddie was the best one who read for the part.

But me and Horshack, see, we're still up for dwarfs.

Yeah, guess who's gonna play Dopey?

[grunting]

If I was casting, I'd have a rough time choosing.

Now wait a minute, just wait one minute.

You guys, you think that I ain't holy enough to become a priest?

[all] Right!

Vinnie, not everybody is cut out to be a priest.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I wanna tell you all somethin'.

Up all your noses, you rubber ho...

Oh, no, no, no.

Fredrick.

Arnold.

Juan.

My sons...

...I forgive you.

Even though you're all punks.

Did we do that?

[indistinct chattering]

Kotter.

I, uh...

I guess you heard the latest.

Barbarino has decided to become a priest.

He, um, just went downstairs to bless Epstein's gym locker.

Had a scream. Ha ha ha.

Why are you not laughing? Kotter, what's the matter?

I was just thinking about my Uncle Manny.

Why? Does he owe you money?

[laughing]

No, no. He died when I was 15.

Well, listen to this, Kotter. This will cheer you up.

Today, Barbarino came up to me and he told me he loved me.

Me! Old man Woodface!

[laughing]

Ah, that kid's a scream.

You're still not laughing, Kotter.

Vinnie's had a rough time lately, Mr. Woodman.

His grandma died last week

and she always wanted him to be a priest.

Well, of course, I'm sorry to hear about his grandmother.

Are you sure she's dead?

What kind of question is that?

- Of course she's dead. - I'm sorry, Kotter.

I had to ask. I haven't forgotten last semester.

Epstein's grandmother died three times.

I, uh, I still remember the note that he turned in.

"Violets are blue, roses are red.

I'm sorry to announce, my grandmother's dead."

Epstein.

Mr. Woodman...

...do you ever think about death?

Sure, every time I walk into your classroom.

[laughing]

I'm serious, Mr. Woodman. Like...

I don't know what I'd do if something happened to my wife.

How do you feel when you lose somebody that's close to you?

I don't know.

Nobody's close to me.

But, uh...

...you know, Kotter...

...most people...

...hope they go fast.

Not me.

I wanna linger.

I wanna be a burden to others as long as I can.

[laughing]

Oh, no!

I love you, Mr. Woodman.

Oho, ho, ho! I tell ya, he's a scream, this kid.

Hiya Vinnie, how're you doin'?

Oh, hello, Mr. Kotter.

Huh.

I didn't see you at this morning's prayer meeting

in Home Economics.

You know, Mr. Kotter...

...prayer's good for you.

Oh! I know that, Vinnie, I know!

I prayed all morning.

The whole time I was on the subway coming to work.

I prayed that we get to my stop before the two guys

who were kicking the conductor noticed me.

That's funny.

Mr. Kotter...

...the reason I'm here is to talk about yesterday's quiz

you flunked me in.

I forgive you.

Don't forgive me, Vinnie, okay? Just study.

Mr. Kotter, the Lord is my shepherd.

Do sheep study?

You look confused.

Mr. Kotter...

...have you had any religious training?

Oh, sure, Vinnie.

I'm a member of the Church of the Seven Day Opportunists.

We believe that after you die, you return to earth

as an aluminum siding salesman.

Look, Vinnie, you're goin' overboard with this whole thing.

Mr. Kotter, I've got a great idea.

Why don't you read some of these pamphlets I have here?

You never know when he is going to ask questions.

Vinnie, why don't you study your social studies book?

You never know when I'm gonna ask questions.

"Heaven on five dollars a day."

"Judgment day and what to wear."

"Sermons for the shower."

Alright, okay, okay, okay

Get ready for steady Freddie.

- Jackpot. - Wait, didn't I tell ya?

It's against the kid's turn, the kid is up here.

- Arnold. I love you. - Wait a minute.

- Arnold. - Hi, Vinnie.

- Come on, Arnold. - I said I love you.

Bring home the bacon.

- Oh, oh! - Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Horshack, I'm talkin' to you.

I said I love you.

I love you.

Oh?

You do?

Well, I guess that's nice.

As you know, Vinnie, I've always held you in the highest regard.

Boy, it's like murder around here

tryin' to give someone a religious experience.

Oh, Fredrick, Juan...

...you shouldn't be wasting your money on idle games of chance.

You should give it to the poor.

- Give our money to the poor? - Yes.

I don't know if you've heard it, my man...

...but...

...we am the poor.

Fredrick, there are people a lot less fortunate than you.

Yeah, like you.

You're nuts, baby, you're crazy.

It's fro-fro da-da time, Vin-Vin.

Ah, Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter.

Listen, may I use your class to give a little talk today.

It's entitled "Fear not when you walk with the Lord."

Or "Stay off Flatbush Avenue after 11 o'clock."

Vinnie, I'm gonna give you a little talk of my own.

It's entitled "Ye, though I walk through the valley

"of the shadow of social studies...

...I learned nothing."

Alright, alright, alright.

Then how about just lettin' me get up in front of the classroom

and try to heal Horshack.

- Heal Horshack? - Yes.

Where would you start?

Now, boys...

Are we still on for after school, huh, Vinnie Pooh?

- Woo. - Wooh!

Love and peace, love and peace, love and peace.

- Now listen, love. - The usual place?

Behind the billboard on 84th Street?

Perhaps you have not heard, you brazen young hussy...

...but you are speaking to Father Vinnie Pooh.

Alright, will you guys just get outta here?

I mean, my sons...

My sons, what I'm trying to do here is just

spread a little goodwill on a new member of my flock.

♪ Crock of ages ♪

♪ Cleft for me ♪

♪ Let me hide myself in thee ♪♪

Listen, Bambi, I mean, I mean...

...this sort of behavior is entirely out of the question.

I can't go with you this afternoon. I-I can't.

You're breaking our date so you can go out with Dolores again.

How could you dump me for... a Leo.

Hey, I don't go out with nobody called Leo.

[bell rings]

And bless you.

May you walk in peace.

I can't take it.

I just can't take it.

I can't take it!

Vinnie, how about you come and take

forty minutes of social studies? Come on, let's go.

I try, Mr. Kotter, I really do.

I mean, in the mornin'...

...when I'm eatin' my oatmeal, I give thanks.

Even though this mornin', it was too lumpy.

Obviously the work of the devil.

Yes.

When I come to school...

...and I see somebody like Bambi, right?

Or Kiki Cornberg, with those tight jeans

with that little patch on the back that says

"Have a nice day," I fall apart.

I just fall apart.

Vinnie, you weren't cut out to be a priest.

Come on, my son, let's go to class.

[indistinct chanting]

Brother Vinnie.

Brother Horshack, Brother Epstein

and I have decided to join you.

[Washington] Yes, Vinnie, we all believe.

- All, all. - And we're gonna testify.

I sa-a-id, we're gonna testify.

Yes.

- Brother Horshack. - Ah.

You got any, any, any testimony?

- I got testimony. - Yes.

- I seen. - Yes.

I said, I seen. I seen through my own two eyes.

I seen-I seen Brother Vinnie

and that April Dias

behind the stairway of Buchanan High School...

[Washington and Juan] Sinner! Sinner! Sinner!

Alright, alright, alright.

I get your point, alright?

So I ain't so good at bein' holy.

Wrong, Vinnie.

You're trying too hard to be holy.

Look, everybody here knows you're upset.

What you're friends, I think, are tryin' to show you

is that, you can't go on living someone else's conception

of what your life should be.

Hey, look, I love my Uncle Manny.

But just because he died that didn't mean I wanted to become

a bad pinnacle player.

Then, then, what about my grandmother?

May she rest in peace.

Vinnie, it's hard to lose somebody you love.

But you just gotta go on and live your own life.

Hey do you really think that it'd be okay

for me not to become a priest?

[all] Mm-hmm.

Bambi, I'm comin', Bambi!

[Vinnie] Oh, no, oh, no.

My mother's gonna be so upset.

[Juan] Hey, Vinnie.

- I got a note for her. - Alright.

Hey. Hey, Mr. Kotter.

I think you better sign it, you know?

I mean, like, I would've signed your own name

but I need a little more experience

forging your signature.

- Sit down. - Okay, yeah. Go on, read it.

Sit down!

"Dear, Mrs. Barbarino.

"They were shocked when you had a son.

"Because that meant you could not be a nun.

"I hope you won't mind this in the least

"but your son Vinnie will not be a priest.

Signed, Epstein's teacher."

[students cheering]

Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Morris

who was kind of, you know, thrifty?

- Uncle Thrifty Morris. Good. - Right.

Now one time, Uncle Thrifty Morris

and two of his friends were sitting around and they were

discussing, how much money they give

to various religions, charities, you know?

And the first guy says, "Well, when I get all my money

"I draw a line down the center of the floor

"and throw my money up in the air.

"What comes down on the right side, I give to the Lord.

On the left side, that's what I keep for myself."

Good.

Second guys says, "I take all my money,

"I throw it up in the air, what comes down heads

I give to the Lord. Tails, I keep for myself."

- Now... - Another good one.

Now Uncle Morris says

"I take my money, I throw it up in the air.

What stays in the air, I give to the Lord."

That why uncle's thrifty.

[John Sebastian singing "Welcome back"]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we got him on the spot ♪♪