Original subtitles

Did I tell you about the time my Cousin Bruce

didn't wanna go to school?

Why didn't he wanna go to school?

That's just what my Aunt Elsie said.

She said, "Bruce, why don't you wanna go to school?

Give me two good reasons why you don't wanna go to school."

He says, "Alright, you want two good reasons

"why I don't wanna go to school?

"First of all, the teachers don't like me.

And then the students don't like me."

He says, "You wanna give me two good reasons

why I should go to school?"

She said "Yes, because you're 37, and you're the principal."

[male narrator] "Welcome Back, Kotter" is recorded live

before a studio audience.

[theme song]

[John Sebastian singing "Welcome back"]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[bell ringing]

♪♪

"My last will and testimony.

"I, Arnold Horshack

"being of sound mind and body...

"...most of the time

do hereby bequeath all my worldly possession--"

- Arnold! - Aah!

Arnold, what are you doing? Why're you making out a will?

You still look almost lifelike.

Mr. Kotter, these are the last earthly documents

of Arnold Dingfelder Horshack.

And I even left you something.

Do me a favor, Arnold, don't leave me the Dingfelder.

Oh, actually, I had you down

for my collection of celebrity fingernails.

Arnold, this is ridiculous.

Why are you making out a will all of a sudden?

Oh, Mr. Kotter, lest you forget, next week is exam week.

Arnold, Arnold.

You're planning to do away with yourself

to get out of exams?

Oh, Mr. Kotter, I won't have to.

Once my grades come in, my father will kill me.

Good morning, good morning, good morning!

[indistinct chatter]

- Now-- - Hey, Mr. Kotter, I got a note.

- Epstein's got a note. - Right.

"Dear, Mr. Kotter, please excuse Juan from his exams next week

"he will of course be attending the Accu Medical Council

in Rome."

Juan, the Accu Medical Council took place ten years ago.

I know that. I got a note to the Pope, telling him why I'm late.

Let's see, "Dear, Mr. Holiness, ahem, please excuse Juan

for being ten years late to the--"

Will you sit down! Sit down.

I don't know what's the matter with you people.

Taking exams is no big thing. You study, you pass. Simple.

Boy, to hear you talk about it.

Tests are more fun than Betty Prevetty.

Look, exam week is the perfect chance

to prove that you're learning.

It's also the perfect chance to prove we flunkin'.

All this talk about exams is turning my mood ring black.

Kotter, could I see you for a moment?

That look.

Mr. Woodman, I remember that look.

I have not seen that look since the day I graduated

and you thought that you'd never see me again.

It's funny you should mention that, Kotter.

In fact, it's hilarious. Could you come outside?

Alright, occupy your time. Do something unusual, open a book.

Mr. Woodman, what's this--

Now let me... start at the beginning, Kotter.

And I wanna go slow, I'm gonna enjoy this too much

to just blurt it out all at once.

Now, uh, you know what this is, Kotter?

Yes, Mr. Woodman, that's a graph of your love life.

Seems, uh, seems you reached your peak right here

October 13th,1942.

Just keep up the jokes, Kotter.

It happens to be a graph plotting

final examination results for the past ten years.

Now this, this of course down here

is your Sweathogs.

Now, nowhere in the records of this institution does it say

that a student named Gabriel Kotter

ever took exams in his senior year.

[laughing]

This whole thing's a joke, right?

Wrong.

Mr. Woodman, I had to take my exams.

How else could I graduate, go to college, get a teaching degree?

Well, there's graph, corruption, bribery

and anything else you can stoop to.

[bell ringing]

Mr. Woodman, this is a mistake, it's gotta be.

The mistake is calling you a teacher.

You're an impostor, Kotter. You're a fraud!

See? I told you Mr. Kotter was our kinda guy.

Alright, come on, go to your next class. Let's go.

Get your books. Come on, move it. Let's go.

Go ahead. Come over here.

Mr. Woodman, I must have taken my exams.

What exams?

Hey, you didn't take your exams?

Ha ha. How'd you get out of it?

I didn't get out of it. I took my exams.

Then why isn't it in my records?

I don't know why it isn't in your records.

But I know I took 'em.

I think.

There's a very simple solution to this, if you askme.

Who askedyou?

Why don't you just take a make-up exam?

Yeah, I'll be willing to accept a make-up

to correct your records, Kotter.

Now wait a minute, wait a minute.

Me, take a make-up test, ten years later?

[laughing] That's funny.

[laughing]

It's funny, kids.

In your own words.

If you study, you pass. Simple.

I am a social studies teacher.

And you expect me to walk in ten years later

and pass an exam on English, science, mathematics?

Well, that's the beauty part, Kotter. I don't.

[laughing]

Well, that's about as much fun as a man my age can take

in one morning.

You see, Mr. Kotter, this is a perfect opportunity

for you to prove what you have learned.

[wheezy laughter]

Yeah, you see, what he's saying is like

if you're slow, you blow. If you're fast, you pass.

And if I flunk, I'm sunk.

But just think, Mr. Kotter, you finally get a chance

to show everybody how smart you are.

- Check you later, babe. - Be brave, little soldier.

Gabe, you're not gonna find anything in that closet.

Why don't you come outta there before you get lost too?

Julie, I gotta find my school records.

If I don't, I take those exams again and...

I don't know, I can't take exams, I always froze up.

Got lock-face.

I have to find my old records.

Hey!

Found my old records. Ha ha ha!

I got some great stuff here.

"Connie Francis sings "ROTC Favorites."

Burl Ives sings "Little Richard.""

And here's a good one, "Pokers that Lawrence Wilk wouldn't do."

I have the perfect solution to this whole problem.

- Oh. - I'm going to the schoolyard.

- Uh... - See ya later.

- What are you gonna do there? - What am I gonna do there?

I'm gonna paint a face on this and run it for President.

Gabe, you have got to study for your exam.

Julie, I'm a teacher. That was ten years ago.

Why do I have to study for exams now?

I took all those exams. I must have.

Probably.

I bet I did.

You think maybe...

[knock on the door]

Would you get the door, please?

- Certainly. - Thank you.

- W-w-w-wait-wait, what's this? - Oh!

Mr. Kotter, us Sweathogs stick together.

So, don't sweat it about those exams.

We're gonna help you study all the stuff that you don't know.

See, we're all gonna get together and cram it.

I appreciate the thought, but I don't think--

Don't think, let us do that for you.

Now, I brought this desk along, so you feel right at home.

- I am at home, Vinnie! - See? It worked.

This is unbelievable, you bring desk, books.

If the blackboard wasn't attached to the wall

you'd have probably brought that too.

Bring it in.

Wait a minute.

I was just standin' there and it fell off the wall.

Lucky we was there to catch it.

You guys can't do things like this.

It's against the law, it's robbery.

- It's five to ten. - Nah, it's ten to ten.

Hey, besides, we tend to think of it as...

...creative borrowing.

Alright, look, I want you to make sure you have

all this stuff in school Monday morning

before class starts.

Hey, we will. Bright and early.

- Yep, that's the plan. - Unbelievable!

You brought books, a desk, a blackboard.

The only thing you didn't bring is a teacher.

[bell ringing]

Wait a minute!

Now who are you supposed to be?

♪ School days school days ♪

♪ Dear old golden rule days ♪

♪ Reading and writing and arithmetic ♪

Julie, did I ever tell you about my great Uncle Hershey Kotter?

No, honey, why don't you tell me

about your great Uncle Hershey Kotter?

That's the joke. There is no Uncle Hershey Kotter.

[wheezy laughter]

Look, I dunno what you're up to

but I'm not gonna study with you.

I mean, I don't have to know anything, I'm a teacher.

Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel, calm down.

Now are there any questions before we get down to work?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, me! Ooh, ooh, me! Ooh! Ooh!

[theme music]

Look, it's Saturday afternoon.

My Saturday afternoons are planned.

I get up in the morning, I watch "Space Nuts"

and "Scooby Doo."

Go play basketball in the schoolyard, come home

get a can of beer, go on the fire escape

and read the funnies in the Sunday paper.

That's my Saturday. You understand?

No.

- You understand, don't you? - Mm-mm.

Don't you see that for the first time

your kids wanna study?

If you let them help you learn, they will learn too.

Okay, I'll study with them.

But I'm gonna show 'em what it's like to try

and teach Sweathog.

Let's go, come on, let's study.

- Alright! - Terrific!

Now, you tell me how much of what you learned in school

do you remember?

What?

How much do you remember?

When?

In school.

Where?

What?

Do I remember?

When?

When I was in school.

Where?

Thank you, thank you, boys.

You are stallin'.

Hey, don't you wanna study?

I mean, are you prepared? Where is your notebook?

Where is your notebook?

Hi, there.

Yeah, hi-hi there, where's your notebook?

My notebook? Well, I just don't happen to have it here...

...handy.

Look, man, I was gonna study, but I came home and my wife

she had me upside my head, and then she said I am a--

Gabriel.

Will you sit down!

Well, bye, guys.

- Hey, where you going-- - Have fun.

Where you going with mybasketball?

I have a regular game down at Our Ladies' Saurus playground

with Sister Mary Mercy. Bye.

- Enjoy yourself, ma'am. - Bye, guys.

Show 'em honey.

Alright, let us start out with algebra

because that is the hardest.

Gabriel, would you please pass out the books, please?

Certainly.

And turn to page 32 in your books.

32.

The problem is "Find the value of X

when the integer is unknown," Gabriel.

Ahem.

The problem is to find the value of X

when the integer is unknown.

What's a integer?

That's the new math.

Well, what was wrong with the old math?

I bet this new math is really easy.

Why don't you keep on reading, Horshack?

Thank you, Vincent.

[clearing throat] "An integer is a counting number

"if the sequences 1-2, 2-3, 3-4, etcetera

the integer is apparent."

It's a parent to who?

So, find the value of X.

X. I don't know.

Right, X is unknown. So, what's Y?

Y?

Where?

Look, I got lost, let's start again, okay?

Hey, look, Mr. Kotter, don't sweat it.

By the time we're done with you, you're gonna pass

all your exams.

'Cause we're gonna stay with you all weekend

and help you study.

Yeah, how do you like that?

Now wait a second, you guys are really willing

to spend all weekend helping me study, including Saturday?

[all] Yeah.

- You got it. - Thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, what'd ya get for question 16?

Let's see,16, that was, uh, that was, uh

"Deoxyribonucleic acid."

You know, you put a little on your cereal in the morning

turns your eyes blue.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, how'd you do on that biology test?

Well, Mr. Pazer wanted to make a frog dissection part of the test

but Juan wouldn't stand for it.

Yeah, I told him whatever he's gonna do to that frog

I'm gonna go do it to him.

- Good, see ya later. - Yeah.

Oh, uh, Kotter.

Well, Kotter, you certainly know how to spoil

someone's good time, don't you?

What are you talking about, Mr. Woodman?

Well, Principal Lazarus insisted that I call the register

at your college this morning, and the missing test grades

were, uh, it seems a clerical error here.

There's no need for you to take any more of these exams.

Ha ha! I don't have to take any more exams.

♪ I don't have to take any more exams ♪

♪ I don't have to take any more exams ♪♪

You're not on my dance card.

[indistinct singing]

Oh?

Is the prom early this year?

No, Arnold. I don't have to take any more exams.

I am in the clear. Tell them, Mr. Woodman.

Yeah, he's in the clear.

I still think he's an impostor, but he's in the clear.

We wasted a whole weekend studying

and you got out of the exams.

Congratulations... man.

I'm not supposed to take exams in the first place.

I'm a teacher. Was a mistake.

You understand, don't you, Arnold?

You were a teacher for a while.

When we was all in this together

then it meant something. Not now.

Oh... Ow!

[groaning]

Saw what he did?

Barbarino, Epstein...

Alright, alright, look.

You're right, you're right, I made a commitment to you guys.

There, my proof is gone, I'll take the exams.

- Alright! - Alright!

Hey, baby, way to go.

Very impressive gesture, Mr. Kotter.

That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen anybody do.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, I want to thank you too, Kotter.

You wanna thank me for what?

For tearing up a prescription for tranquilizers.

My doctor gave me this morning.

I, uh... I, uh, don't need them anyway.

Alright, attention, attention. Attention!

I've an announcement that should be of interest

to each and every Sweathog here.

Mr. Woodman, will you please tell them

what you just told me in the hall?

The, uh... examination results are in.

For the first time in the history of Buchanan High School

not a single Sweathog failed.

[cheering]

I haven't finished yet.

However...

There's a however?

As you grow older, Kotter, you'll realize

there's always a however.

However the Sweathog grade point average

might have reached an all-time high.

But for one very low grade in algebra.

One Sweathog just passed by the skin of his teeth.

I leave it to you to uncover the culprit.

We'll find him.

Alright, Mr. Kotter, let's take it from the top.

An integer is a counting number.

- Right. - So what's X?

- X is-- - X is unknown.

- And what's Y? - Y?

Where?

Alright, let's start over, okay?

An integer is a counting number, right?

- Y. - Why? Because we like you.

And now--

Now is the time to say goodbye to all our company.

♪ G-A-B ♪

Be a good boy.

♪ R-E-L ♪

Elevate our minds.

♪♪-O-T-T-R ♪

E-R, Kotter. Dummies, Kotter. ♪-O-T-T-E-R.

[theme music]

Ever tell you about my Aunt Selma?

No, tell me about your Aunt Selma.

Okay. She's a lousy driver.

She was so bad, she got three tickets on a written test.

- Okay? - That's bad.

You know you take the written test... Okay.

Now, one day, my Uncle Leon comes home

and my Aunt Selma is there and the car is in the kitchen.

- Unbelievable. - Isn't it unbelievable?

- It's incredible. - You wanna know how?

Why don't you tell me how the car got in the kitchen?

That's what my Uncle Leon said.

He said "Selma, how did you get the car in the kitchen?"

She said, "It was easy, I made a left

when I got to the living room."

[theme music]

Eleven. Yay!

- Julie. - What?

- There's these two brothers. - Two brothers.

- Go fishing all the time. - They go fishing all the time.

So you're not going, are you?

These two brothers go fishing all the time.

One always catches a lot of fish

the other doesn't catch any fish.

- Nothing. Nothing. - Right? Nothing.

Nil, null, and void, nothing, can't catch a fish.

And he's getting mad about this, 'cause he can't catch any fish.

So one day he says "I'm gonna get up

"at 5 o'clock, I'm gonna beat my brother to it.

"I'm going out to the lake and I'm gonna catch fish.

- 'Cause he won't be there." - Smart.

He was smart, so he went fishing 5 o'clock in the morning

and he didn't catch any fish.

He was there for two hours, 7 o'clock, no fish.

Finally, a fish peeks its head out of the water and says...

"So where's your brother?"

[theme song]

[John Sebastian singing "Welcome back"]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ We always could ♪

♪ Spot afriend ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ And I smile when I think how you must've been ♪

♪ And I know what a scene you were learning in ♪

♪ Was there something that made you come back again ♪

♪ And what could ever lead ya ♪

♪ What could ever lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪