Original subtitles

Julie, did I tell you about the time I went

to visit my Uncle Moe Kotter in the hospital?

No. Why don't you tell me about the time you went

to visit your Uncle Moe Kotter in the hospital.

- Well, I would be delighted to! - Good.

See, he was in an oxygen tank, and I went to see him

and he looked up at me and he said...

[groaning]

- What did that mean? - That's what I asked my aunt.

I said, "What is he trying to say?"

She said, "He's saying, air hose, dummy.

You're steppin' on the air hose."

[Gabriel Kaplan] "Welcome Back, Kotter" is recorded live

before a studio audience.

[John Sebastian singing "Welcome back Kotter"]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

♪♪

[bell ringing]

Alright, alright!

Test time! Test time!

[all students] Aww!

Alright, everybody, get your red-hot test.

What's that you say, you're not satisfied?

You say you want more for your money.

Alright, I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do.

With each and every test comes a coupon entitling the bearer

to a five-pound wedge of fat chamada mozzarella cheese.

This is the cheese that you hold up to the light

and you see what little Willy saw

behind the barn door.

Take a test and pass the rest.

Take a test and pass the rest.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, mine's blank here.

[indistinct chattering]

Oh, yeah, this is one test I think I can pass.

Hey, they're all blank.

Mine has a little note attached.

"Dear, Mr. Kotter.

"As usual, by the time I got around

"to mimeo'ing the tests for your class

the mimeo machine broke down."

Oh!

"Sincerely, Mrs. Bezudi.

PS, I think I love you."

Oh, oh, oh!

Hey, Mr. Kotter, you devil.

Hey, hey. I hardly know Mrs. Bezudi.

She's the one with the bezudies.

Alright, alright, I got bad news for everybody.

No test today.

[all students] Aww!

You promised!

Alright, look. Come on. Let's get to work, okay?

I wanna show you about the coastline

of the Southern United States.

We have a point...

[all laughing]

I don't believe this!

Two months ago, I asked Mr. Woodman for a new map.

You know what he told me?

Said I should pick one up at the gas station.

You know, Mr. Kotter, it's time that

you and me did a little business.

Right? You need supplies, and you need money.

Well, we could raise money.

There's plenty of ways to raise money. For instance--

Oh! Oh-oh! Oh! Oh, oh!

Oh! Oh, oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

I got it! I got it!

Hey, kids, let's put on a show.

How about a carwash?

I think we can raise a little extra money on the hubcaps.

Come on, we, we need an idea with a little c-lass.

Class? Hey, I could sell kisses.

- And that's just for openers. - Alright, that's enough.

It's enough, Vinnie, alright?

I got it! Hey, kids, let's put on a show!

I got an idea. Listen to this.

I-S-B.

"I-S-B?"

In-School Bettin'.

Yeah, it's about time we get bettin' off the streets

into the school here where it belongs!

[all applauding]

Are you kiddin'? I'll lay you five to two

that'll never happen.

I'll take that bet.

[whispering] Mr. Kotter?

Mr. Kotter?

[shouting] Hey, kids! Let's put on a show!

A show!

Arnold! Arnold, don't be shy!

Arnold, if you have something to say

just come right out and say it!

Well, Mr. Kotter... when charities wanna raise money

they always go on TV.

And how, pray tell, are we supposed to do that?

We-e-ell, Mr. Kotter.

I happen to be a frequent watcher

of Channel 52.4.

- It's right here in Brooklyn. - Yeah, I know the channel.

The only time I can get it is

if I hook my antenna up to my toaster.

That's the one.

Well, Mr. Kotter, I feel that they would just leap

at the chance for a Sweathog telethon.

Arnold, why don't you leap back to your seat?

Look, nobody could possibly convince a television station

to do a Sweathog telethon.

Nobody in their right mind would even try.

Sure, but we could try.

Uh, Kotter.

Uh, Kotter, I want to apologize

for the way you and your Sweathogs have been treated

in regard to supplies, and I promise you

it will never happen again.

Ask me why it will never happen again.

Why will it never happen again?

Well, it's funny you should ask that, Kotter.

Uh, I've been making some budget cuts

and unless the money fairy comes up with 700 big ones

I'm dropping the Remedial Academics Program

for this semester.

- Hey, wait... - You can't do that.

Mr. Woodman, you can't do that.

I mean, these kids need this program.

They have, uh, special problems.

Yeah. I know I got special problems.

You can't break us up. I mean, we go together.

Like, like submarine and sandwich.

You, Sweathogs, will be absorbed in the mainstream of the school

where you will never be seen or heard from again.

[laughing]

Mr. Woodman.

Mr. Woodman!

- Hey, hey, he can't do that! - Eh, he can't do that.

- Can he do that? - He can do that.

Hey, that's just not fair, man.

Well, I am not gonna let it happen.

I'm gonna call up Channel 52.4...

...if they have a phone

and I am gonna convince them into doing a Sweathog telethon.

Hey, kids, let's put on a show!

Alright!

[all cheering]

- You, Kotter? - Me Kotter. Who you?

Me Oliver Miles. So what's this revolutionary

idea you called my TV station about?

Oh, Oliver, thanks for comin' over. Well, I don't have--

Hey, don't worry about it, kid. I'm a genius.

Whatever you got, I can make it work.

I got a telethon!

- I can't make it work. - No, no, no, Oliver, look.

It would be a direct remote right from this classroom.

I've got an idea.

I see.

I see a direct remote from the classroom.

Students working on their own behalf.

I see students working on their own behalf.

- Oliver, you're a genius! - Oliver, you're a genius!

Who we got for talent?

Well, my wife sings and I've been known to tell a few jokes.

Really? You don't look funny.

Thank you. Uh, my Sweathogs can perform.

Performing Sweathogs.

Is that an animal act?

No, no, no, those are my students, the Sweathogs.

And they've got all sorts of talent.

I'm sure you'd love them, if you got a chance to see them!

♪ Me ♪

♪ And my shadow ♪

♪ Strollin' down the avenue ♪

♪ And while we're on the subject ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ And my sha-a-adow ♪

♪ Not a soul to tell our troubles to ♪

[feet tap]

♪ And when it's 12 o'clock ♪

♪ We climb the stairs ♪

♪ We never knock ♪

[feet tapping]

♪ 'Cause nobody's there ♪

♪ Just me ♪

♪ And my shadow ♪

♪ All alone and feeling blue ♪

♪ Yeah we're alone and feeling blue ♪

♪♪

♪ All alone and feelin'... ♪♪

- Alright. - Everybody, move the chairs.

[Vinnie] Alright. Hey, move 'em over here.

- Sure. - Alright.

Honey, I'm so nervous. I've never been on TV before.

Don't you worry, baby. I'm gonna handle everything.

I'm Mr. Cool.

All you have to do, you sweet thing is answer the phone.

The phone? You're doing a telethon with one phone?

Uh, sorry, Mrs. Kotter, but this is all we could... appropriate.

Hello, London.

Oh, Kotter!

- Kotter. - Waiter, waiter, waiter.

Look, could I have a table for two right over there?

Come on, cut it out, Kotter.

I mean, as long as you're going through with this

I decided to join your show.

Not many people know this, Kotter, but I sing.

No.

Alright, alright! 30 seconds to airtime!

Thirty seconds to airtime!

- Clear the camera area! - Clear the camera area!

Hey, uh...

- Get away! - Get away!

Hello, is this the Acapulco operator?

Alright, ten seconds, everyone. Break a leg.

Eh, which leg do you want broke, huh?

Hello, Mexico? I wanna talk to Mr. Big.

There you go, Kotter.

Oh, you know, Oliver, I think I should've been

in show business my whole life.

I mean, I'm just...

There's ice water running through these veins.

Three, two, one! You're on the air!

[babbling]

- Hello, Brooklyn. - Hello, Brooklyn.

And welcome to the "Sweathog Telethon."

We're here to raise money for underprivileged children.

[continues babbling]

Which... is what my husband is trying to say.

Me, I'm husband.

Not her. Me! Not her.

Ah! Which reminds me of a song.

Hit it.

[piano playing]

♪ Let me entertain you ♪

♪ Let me make you smile... ♪

You told me I could sing, Kotter.

- He told me that I could sing. - I'm doing my number.

- Mrs. Kotter. - Mr. Woodman.

Kotter, pull yourself together!

The show must go on.

Those kids are depending on you, Kotter.

Kotter, remember. You're going out there a nobody.

But you're coming back a star.

- A star. - Now, get out there!

[Michael] Mrs. Kotter, if there was any order--

[Gabe] Mr. Woodman, give it to me later.

Give it to me later. Okay? Just wait over here for a minute.

♪ Let me do a few tricks ♪

♪ Some old and then some new tricks ♪

♪ I'm very versatile ♪♪

Yes, uh, that was my wife singing about some of the old

and some of the new tricks.

[chuckles]

She's very versatile.

Well, my name is Mr. Kotter, and we'd like to welcome you

to the, uh, "Sweathog Telethon."

Hello.

Oh, yeah, the little guy with the short hair.

Oh, the curly hair?

Oh, that's Juan Epstein, yeah.

Hey, Juan, somebody wants to pay money to see your face.

Get out in front of the camera.

Yeah, so we're counting on all you people from Brooklyn

to come in and give us the $700 which we so desperately need.

Thank you very much. This is one of the students.

Hey, Juan, you're in the clear.

The lady says you ain't the one that snatched her purse.

We'll be right back with the rest of our telethon

so stay with us, we have a word from station identification

and we'll see you in a minute.

Uh, Kotter, Kotter, now that you're yourself again

uh, introduce me, and this is important, Kotter.

I'm not using my first name Michael.

So, uh, just say, "Ladies and gentlemen, Woodman!"

Later, Mr. Woodman. Later.

- Okay? - Not yet.

- Later. - Not yet. Not yet.

Oh, hi, I see we're back.

Well, just follow us right over here

and we're gonna walk over to see our tote girl

Vernajean Williams, and our tote board.

Vernajean, would you tell us what our total is so far?

Oh, yeah. Oh, sure, sure. Let's see.

So... man, so far we ain't made a plug nickel.

Well, I'm sure you people out there

are just waiting for our entertainment to start.

And you're gonna send in your money soon, right? Okay.

Well, we'd like to start of right now

with the boy you just met the Puerto Rican Jewish madcap.

Here he is, Juan Epstein. Come on, let's hear it.

[all cheering]

[bongo playing]

♪ Day-o... ♪

♪ Whoo! Whoo! ♪

♪ Da-a-ay-o r-r-rut tu tu tu ♪

♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home ♪♪

Eh, Murrie.

It's me, Murrie. I'm on the tube.

That's five bucks, sucker. You owe me five bucks.

I'm on the tube man.

- Right here. - Thank you, Murrie.

- Here is Kotter, man. - Hello, Murrie.

- Hello, Murrie. - I'm on tube, man

How about it? Here's Kotter, man.

I was on the tube. What do ya say, Murrie?

[piano playing]

♪ Oo-o-oh ♪

♪ Baby... ♪

Hi, there.

From high atop the fabulous appointed

Sweathog Room of Buchanan High School

this is Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington.

Appealing for, anything you can spare.

Five dollars.

Two dollars, one dollar.

A quarter.

Anything at all.

[chuckles]

A dime.

A dime you say? A dime?

What happened-what happened to the big money?

We can't live on no dimes!

That's alright. We'll take the dime.

Send in the dime. We'll take the dime.

Alright. A dime.

- Hello, dummy. - Hello, Mr. Kotter.

[laughing]

Well, dummy, so far the telethon is just going great.

And there's a lady out there that says she'll send in $25

if while I drink a glass of water, you can sing.

Can we do that, Mr. Kotter?

Oh, I think we should give the old high school a try.

I'm gonna drink the water, and you're gonna sing.

[gurgling]

[humming]

Ah, that's terrific. You sit down and relax.

Thank you, thank you. That was the wonderful

Arnold Horshack as the dummy.

And now, for our final act of the evening, I'd like to--

- No, not yet, Mr. Woodman. - You said it's the final act.

- Not yet. Not yet. - Final act.

Not yet. Not yet.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is that Sicilian songbird

the wonderful, Mr. Vinnie Barbarino.

[all cheering]

♪ I'll sing ba ba ba ba Barbarino ♪

♪ Ba ba ba ba Barbarino ♪

♪ Ba ba ba ba Barbari ♪

♪ You got me rockin' and a-rollin' ♪

♪ Rockin' and a-reelin' ♪

♪ Barbarino ♪

♪ You got me rockin' and a-reelin' ♪

♪ And Barbarino Vinnie Barbarino ♪

♪ You got me rockin' whoo ♪

♪ You got me reelin' ooh ♪

♪ You got me ooh Barbarino yeah yeah ♪♪

Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.

That was the wonderful Vinnie Barbarino

with the "Barbarino" song.

Thank you, Vinnie. We enjoyed that very much.

We have some additional pledges here I'd like to read.

We have a $5 pledge from the Elite Poolroom.

"A nice place to bring the whole family."

Thank you very much, Elite Poolroom.

"After seeing our show in particularly

"the ventriloquist number, the drunks in Harry's Bar

have pledged to quit drinking."

Thank you, drunks at Harry's Bar.

We have a $15 pledge from Our Lady Of Spain Accordion School.

Keep squeezing that accordion.

Thank you very much Our Lady Of Spain Accordion School.

Let's see what time it is?

Well, we're almost out of time.

Vernajean, will you tell us what our grand total is?

[Vernajean] Certainly, Gabesy!

Right now, our grand total is $678.

- Alright! - Whoo-hoo!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

That's not enough. We're $22 short.

I think we've had some fun here tonight.

You've seen some good entertainment, a good time.

But we're $22 short.

And I would like to make a personal plea right now

to the teachers out there.

Teachers that have normal students.

Epstein, come in here a minute.

Come on in here, Epstein.

How'd you like to walk into your classroom 9 o'clock

every morning and have to look at this, huh?

We need $22. Thank you very much.

- Washington, come in here. - Hi, there.

Washington, how many times have you said "Hi, there" this month?

- Hi, there. - Goodbye there, Washing--

Can I say somethin' to my brother?

- No. - What's happening, Leroy?

I'm on TV, baby.

Horshack, come on in here? This is Arnold Horshack.

Horshack, suppose I say something in class

and you know the answer, how do you, how do you raise your hand?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

And if you thought something was funny, how would you laugh?

[laughing]

Thank you very much. We need $22.

Barbarino, please come in here.

Barbarino, what did we learn yesterday?

What?

What did we learn the day before yesterday?

What?

What have you learned all year?

- What? - Thank you very much.

Alright, that's $22, let's get it in for me, okay?

Yes. Yes, he will.

Gabe, there's some nutty lady on the phone who says

that she'll send the $22 if you'll sing like you used to

when you were a little boy.

She says you know the song.

Ma, how could you do this to me, ma?

Gabe, your mother is waiting.

I'm not gonna do it. Not gonna do it.

[Freddie] We need the money, man.

- Money! - Shh! Shh! Shh!

No! Oh, no!

[indistinct chattering]

No!

[Vernajean] Come on, man. The floor is yours.

Ma, I'm gonna make a fool out of myself

in front of the whole borough.

♪ Shoo Fly Pie and Apple Pan Dowdy ♪

♪ Make your eyes light up ♪

♪ Your tummy says howdy ♪♪

- She's gonna send it. Great. - She's sending the $22!

Twenty two dollars!

[all cheering]

Hey, thank you very much.

Thank you, Brooklyn, that about wraps it up.

You're beautiful.

♪ I did it my way ♪

♪ For what is a man what has he-- ♪

Let's talk later, Mr. Woodman.

♪ If not himself then he has not ♪

♪ To say the things he really feels ♪

♪ And not the words of one who kneels ♪

♪ The record shows... ♪♪

[theme music]

Julie, baby, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Ben?

No. Did he make rice?

No, he didn't make rice.

He was a little cuckoo, you know?

So he went to a psychiatrist.

So the psychiatrist said, "Mr. Kotter, I'm sorry

to tell you this, but you're schizophrenic."

Uh-oh. What did Uncle Ben say?

Uncle Ben said, "Thank you very much, how much do I owe you?"

Psychiatrist says, "You owe $100."

Uncle Ben gives him $50.

Psychiatrist says, "Where's the other $50?"

Uncle Ben says, "Get it from the other guy."

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot... ♪♪