Original subtitles

What's the matter, Julie? Who was that?

It was a crank call!

I don't know why kids have to make crank calls.

Did you ever do that?

Just once, when I was about 11.

We called up a butcher.

We said, "Hello, is this the butcher?"

He said, "Yes, it is." We said, "Do you have pig's feet?"

He said, "We certainly do."

I said, "Well, where do you buy your shoes?"

[Kotter] "Welcome back, Kotter" is recorded live

before a studio audience.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

Hey, Epstein, what you doing?

[indistinct chatter]

Mr. Woodman, uh, mixing these two classes

do you really think that that's the right thing to do?

This flu epidemic has hit us hard, Kotter.

Ms. Fishbeck, half my other teachers are out sick.

I've gotta combine what's left

of our academically enriched class

with your, uh, Sweathogs.

I don't know, Mr. Woodman, mixing, uh, Ms. Fishbeck's class

with the Sweathogs

is like mixing strawberries and mustard.

What's the matter with strawberries and mustard?

I eat it every day.

[scatting]

What is he doing?

He was just pretending to play the bass.

Isn't there some other way, Mr. Woodman?

He was just pretending. They, uh...

They do a lot of pretending in that class.

They pretend to be students, he pretends to be a teacher.

Epstein! Epstein, where you going? What's the matter?

[sighs]

You're going flying?

No, you're not. You're sick of flying?

Your stomach is flying... Flew?

You just flew in from Vegas, and, boy, is your stomach tired.

No? Oh, you're sick. You got the flu!

Yeah, yeah.

[Epstein] Flu.

Sick.

Gonna die.

This, uh, this flu epidemic is a crisis, Kotter.

You remember what General Patton used to say?

Sure I do. He said, "School is hell."

[sighs] No, he didn't say that.

He said, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

What's the matter, Mr. Woodman?

You flew? You got the flu?

Huh? You're sick?

You're flying to Epstein, let me know!

- Alright, good morning. - Good morning, Mr. Kotter.

Uh, as you see, uh, Ms. Fishbeck is out with the flu

so some of her students will be joining us.

Let's give them a nice, warm Sweathog welcome.

[blowing raspberry]

Hey, yo, Mr. Kotter...

...if they're academically enriched, then, uh, what is we?

Unenriched?

No. You're dumb.

[laughing]

Hey, Howdy Doody.

Why don't you take one end of a rubber hose

and put it in your mouth?

And then you take the other and put it up your nose.

And then you blow till your brains fall out!

- Ha-ha... - Hey, Vinnie.

Vinnie, when are you gonna change the oil in your hair?

[laughing]

- Uh... - Aye, aye, aye, Judy.

You know how you can lose ten ugly pounds in a hurry?

[chuckles] Have your head removed.

[laughing]

Alright, come on, come on, enough of this.

Come on, let's settle down.

Boy, we have a lot more casual...

Arnold is absent!

Yeah, I don't think Arnold's been absent

the whole time I've known him.

Yeah, you know, he never gets sick.

I guess it's probably because no germ

would wanna live in his body.

[laughing]

Hey, all! Hey, all!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...

Arnold, will you take that mask off

so we can understand what you're saying?

All I said was, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...

You know, it's nice to be safe, but you can carry

flu prevention a little bit too far.

You know, Mr. Kotter, you're not looking so hot yourself.

How would you like some vitamins?

These are to make your complexion pretty.

These are to strengthen your teeth and your nails.

And these are to make you friskier with the missus.

Oh, which one of those pills do I take to make you sit down?

[laughs] Oh, Mr. Kotter, go ahead, go ahead.

Yesterday we were talking about world economics.

Now, the economics of the world greatly changed

with the discovery of the New World.

Now, who was the first explorer

to chart the North American coastline?

Todd.

Amerigo Vespucci.

[laughs] You made that up.

[laughing]

"Amerigo Vespucci."

You mean, you don't know who Amerigo Vespucci was?

Of course I know who he was.

That was, that was Chef Boyardee's maiden name.

Okay.

Now, one of the most important trade routes of the new world

maybe the most important, was the Mississippi River.

Now, who discovered the Mississippi River?

- Judy. - DeSoto.

DeSoto! That was the name of my father's first taxicab! DeSoto!

Alright, I'm gonna ask you a very simple question

something we all know

because we all learned it in the third grade.

What were the names of Columbus' three ships?

- Ha-ha-ha... - Now that's so easy.

Oh, I used to know that.

Me? Me? I don't know.

Freddie, come on! What is it, Freddie?

Alright, okay, you wanna know the three names

of Columbus' three ships, right?

Okay, I'mma give it to you. Um...

- Nina? - Nina.

- Right! - Oh, man! Man! Alright.

[laughs] Okay, baby, there's a Nina and a Pinto.

Pinto! That was the name of my father's second taxicab!

That's Pinta!

- Oh! - Right!

Right, right, right, the Pinta.

Okay, now we got the Nina, the Pinta...

- And the... - Go, Freddie, go!

♪ We got the Nina the Pinta and the... ♪♪

- Santa. - The Santa...

Santa... Santa Anita!

[laughing]

Santa Anita?

Yeah. That's the boat that all the horses sailed in.

[laughing]

Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter

since we're on the subject of great explorers

I have some very interesting information

that I would like to share with the class.

It's about Lewis and Clark.

Al Lewis and Willie Clark!

"The Sunshine Boys." I seen that movie many times.

Oh, Mr. Kotter, please, do your George Barnes.

Alright.

[imitating George Barnes] I remember the week I was working at the Tivoli Theatre

Poughkeepsie, New York.

It was on a split bill and the other rack

was a young lady named Trixie X.

Terrific act, she used to, uh, have the map of England

tattooed on her body.

Big finish was she would show the audience

the White Cliffs of Dover.

Mr. Kotter, we're here to learn.

Ms. Fishbeck doesn't do impressions.

Yeah. All she ever does is tug out a girdle.

[laughing]

Ah!

Whoo-hoo!

As I was saying

in 1804, Lewis and Clark

were the first ones to explore the newly-acquired territory

known as Louisiana Purchase.

They also had an Indian woman with them who acted as a guide.

Her name was Sacagawea, and she was fascinating.

I could talk about her for hours 'cause she was the firs--

Judy, Judy, Judy, give it to me later, alright?

[bell ringing]

- Alright. - Homework! Homework! Homework!

- Mr. Kotter, you forgot-- - Right, right, right.

Homework, tomorrow I want you to answer the questions

at the back of chapter six.

For tomorrow, manyana.

- Hey, Todd. - Yeah.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah.

- Todd. - Yeah.

You don't understand.

You see, when he forgets to give us homework

you're not supposed to remind him.

See, comprendo,dumbo?

- See? - Freddie, if I may?

Todd, on behalf of all the Sweathogs present

I will like to welcome you to our class.

- Ah, thanks, Arnold. - Oh, thanks, Arnold.

- What are you doing? - What are you doing?

- Oh, b-by the way, Todd. - Yeah.

You know that, that-that gook

that they scrape from the bottom of the barrel?

- Yeah. - That's you, Todd.

[laughing]

[clamoring]

[bell ringing]

Alright, alright, alright!

Come on, let's cut this out, alright?

We'll be together for a few days maybe.

And we're all here for the same thing, to learn.

You know what I learned today, Mr. Kotter?

I'll tell you what I learned today.

I learned that I don't know nothin'!

No, Vinnie, you don't know anything.

See?

Alright, look, learning is like anything else.

People just don't all do it at the same pace.

It's like the stomach flu.

Some people get it...

...some people don't get it.

I think I got it.

[theme music]

- Julie. - What's the matter?

I have zero temperature.

I think you're probably just reading it wrong.

Oh! Heh.

According to this, you died three days ago.

How do you feel, honey?

You know that gook that they scrape

from the bottom of the barrel?

Why don't you just come on and get back in bed?

I can't. I gotta go to school.

I cannot leave my kids alone with Ms. Fishbeck's class.

I mean, they're starting to feel inadequate already.

If I don't show up, they'll probably

just stop trying to learn.

Besides, uh, they'll put 'em

with Mr. Melman's metal shop if I'm not there.

- So? - Those kids, alone?

In the metal shop class?

They'll build a tank.

Honey, you are crazy.

I know.

That's what makes this marriage work.

Alright. What do you want me to make you for breakfast?

Hm! Don't talk about that. Don't mention that word.

Well, do you want me to pack you a lunch?

Oh! Do not talk about food.

- Please, no food. - Honey...

You cannot go an entire day without eating.

I know that, that's why I'm gonna make myself

a nice sandwich.

I got a nice sandwich that I'm going to make.

Couple pieces of bread.

Then you put on some Anacin.

Some Pepto-Bismol.

Then you get some Milk of Magnesia.

And you got a nice medicine sandwich.

- And then for dessert... - What?

- You can get some nasal spray. - Oh, good.

- I don't feel good, Julie. - Oh...

[Kotter] Well, good morning!

Nice to see the bright, smiling backs of your heads.

You are looking very chipper yourself

this morning, Mr. Kotter.

- Aye, Horshack. - Hm...

Look, Kotter, you don't need us no more.

You finally got some smart kids you can teach.

So why don't you just pretend we ain't here, okay?

Oh.

Little babies got their feelings hurt.

So they're gonna do the old we're-not-gonna-face-Mr.-Kotter

routine, right?

Oh, they're gonna pull the old we'll-stick-our-heads

in-the-sand and-be-sweat-ostriches routine.

It's gonna be the old...

That's enough! Come on! Turn those chairs around.

Now!

Facing the front.

Okay, I mean, the way you guys are acting

we're right back to the first day of school.

It's like we haven't learned anything.

No.

Now we back to the first day of school.

This is nice, huh?

This is the way for high-school students to act

throwing paper airplanes at their teacher.

Well, I won't stand for it.

Hey, don't fool around with an ex-Sweathog!

M-Mr. Kotter, I got a note

explaining my absenteeism.

"Dear Mr. Kotter, please excuse Juan's abs..."

Aren't you gonna read along?

"Please excuse Juan's absence, he was home

"sick with the stomach flu.

Sincerely, Mrs. Epstein."

Fine.

It's okay, Juan, your excuse is perfectly legitimate.

I know. That's the problem.

It's the first legit excuse I've turned in in 11 years.

[chuckles] Me, Juan Epstein

the flimflam man of Buchanan High School

a legit excuse.

[scoffs] What's the world coming to?

- Hey, Juan. - Hey, man.

How are you feeling, Juan?

Uh, better, Horshack.

Good.

Hey, Juan, I didn't finish my lunch yesterday.

You want half a liverwurst sandwich?

Mm...

Mr. Kotter, can I have my note back?

[door shuts]

Put that thing away, Arnold, before you empty the school out.

Alright, yesterday you were supposed to answer the questions

on the back of chapter six.

Will everyone please take out their homework?

Now.

Mr. Vincent Barbarino, I don't see any homework.

Alright, so I didn't do my homework.

So excuse me for livin'.

How about you, Arnold? Did you do your homework?

We-ell...

Mr. Kotter, if Vinnie did not do his homework

then the chances is very great

that I didn't do my homework either.

What about you, Freddie?

[clears throat] Well, you see, uh...

[clears throat]

Hi there.

- Hi there. Homework. - Oh, homework?

You see, well, I don't happen to have my homework

right here handy.

Did you do your homework?

No.

Did anybody in this class do their homework?

- I did mine, Mr. Kotter. - Thank you, Todd.

My homework's right here, too, Mr. Kotter.

It's typed, in triplicate.

Naturally.

Aye, yo, Mr. Kotter...

...why do you need our homework for?

They got all the answers.

Yeah. What we got is a lot of questions.

I don't want you to stop asking questions.

Asking questions is how you learn. You can't just quit.

What would have happened if George Washington quit, huh?

Abraham Lincoln quit?

What would have happened if Murray Cornfeld quit?

I ain't never heard of no Murray Cornfeld.

You know why you never heard of him? Because he quit!

Now, you wanna know why Ms. Fishbeck's class

knows all the answers?

No.

Well, I'll tell you anyway, they know all the answers

because they learn, they study

because school's important to them.

You could know all the answers, too.

All you have to do is study.

I gotta disagree with that, Mr. Kotter.

I tried it. It don't work.

I once opened up a book...

...and I studied it.

I mean, studied. No foolin' around.

Fifteen solid minutes!

And nothing happened!

Look, you can learn anything you want, but that's the key word

you have to want to.

Now, you people know things that they don't know.

Sure. Like, what?

Like, what? Okay, I'll prove it to you.

You've heard of the College Bowl?

Well, it's time to play the Kotter bowl.

Okay. First question.

Judy, who's the all-time leading rebounder in the NBA?

The what?

[mimicking buzzer]

Wrong. Can you take it, Washington, Sweathogs?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the all-time leading rebounder in the NBA is

Wilt the Stilt Chamberlain.

Who cares? I hate baseball.

Next question!

You have a date with a girl at 8:30.

You have a date with another girl at nine o'clock.

One is a blonde, one is a brunette.

Now, how can you keep both dates without letting either one

know about the other? Can you take that, Todd, Fishbeck's?

Well, who would wanna go out with two girls

in the same night anyway?

[mimicking buzzer]

Barbarino, Sweathogs.

Simple.

Alright, you got the blonde, right?

You tell her to meet you at Coney Island

on the boardwalk, right?

Then you tell the brunette to meet you

at Coney Island under the boardwalk, right?

And then you spend the whole night going up and down

up and down, up and down, up and down, up...

Correct!

Excuse me, Mr. Kotter, but don't I know nothing?

Or am I the proverbial village mandrake?

Next question is a 25-point toss-up.

First one to answer it.

Okay, who were the stars of the musical movie

"Footlight Parade?"

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Me!

Oh, please, me! Oh!

Horshack, Sweathogs.

James Cagney, Dick Powell, Joan Blondell

and the ever-popular Ruby Keeler.

♪ By a waterfall I'm calling you-ou-ou ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪♪

And who can forget Cagney?

♪ I searched here and I searched there ♪

♪ I'm searching for my Shanghai Lil ♪

♪ He's searching for his Shanghai Lil ♪

♪ Boys make way for Shanghai Lil ha ♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

Well, Mr. Woodman

at least you and I are back on our feet.

You know, Kotter, I was pretty sick last week.

And as I lay in my bed, I, uh, had a lot of time to think...

...about my life and, uh, mistakes I made.

And, Kotter, there's something I want to tell you.

Yes, Mr. Woodman?

I still don't like you.

You dirty rat. You...

Awfully glad you could make it, Mr. Kotter.

Well, Arnold, I guess it's just you and me, huh?

Oh, yes. Isn't it grand?

Well, since I am a teacher and you are a student

there is no reason to waste a day.

I don't think we should start anything new

with everybody absent.

Let's just review some of the old stuff.

So, sure. Go ahead, go ahead.

Okay, on the Lewis and Clark expedition

who was the Indian guy?

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Please, me!

Call on me. Oh, oh, oh! Call me! Oh!

[theme music]

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Morris?

No. Why don't you?

- Alright, I certainly will. - Okay.

Uncle Morris was in this country for five years

and he wanted to be a citizen more than anything in the world.

So he went to the judge to take his citizenship test.

He said, "Judge, I know everything about this country.

"I know from George Washington, Abraham Lincoln

"to Declaration of Independence.

"I know the Emancipation Proclamation.

"But I don't think you're gonna let me be a citizen

because I don't speak good English."

Well, what did the judge say?

The judge said, "Don't you worry, you'll pass the test.

[foreign accent] You'll be alright. What are you worrying about?"

[theme music]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they're turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪♪ Yeah ♪

♪ We tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back welcome ♪♪