Original subtitles

Gabe, this is ridiculous.

These kids are in and out of this apartment day and night.

We don't have any private life anymore.

I really think that we should talk about it.

I'm all ears.

Here's an ear and here's another ear.

Gabe, be serious.

Wherever we are, there's a little Sweathog between us.

Okay, all those who support the candidacy

of our present leader Mr. Vinnie Barbarino

raise your hand.

It's a tie. Somebody did not v...

Epstein, it's up to you, man.

Who's the new leader of the Sweathogs?

Washington!

[all cheering]

You try. Go on, try and do without me, alright?

I'm droppin' outta school.

Vinnie Barbarino is coming here?

Look, Julie, his father threw him outta the house. I mean...

He came to me. What was I gonna do?

Goodbye, Mr. Kotter.

[Kotter] We now continue with part two of our story.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

[knocking on window]

Julie, honey.

Here, hey. Honey, see who's knocking on the window, Julie.

I'm going back to sleep.

Go ahead, honey.

Wow, those exercises are really working.

You're not Julie.

I know that.

- I'll answer the window. - Go ahead.

It's Epstein. What's he doin' here?

I don't know, but I'm gonna find out.

7:30 in the morning.

Eps... Wooh!

Epstein, what are you doing here at 7:30 in the morning?

Oh, I came by for breakfast.

This place was highly recommended.

By who?

[laughing]

Didn't I tell you not to come here for breakfast anymore?

They want breakfast? I'll give 'em breakfast.

- There, there's your breakfast. - Dry cereal?

So, where's the milk?

Barbarino.

Ey, I thought you said we had reservations.

Well, you know what happens when a place gets popular.

Alright, come in and dry off.

What're you throwin' milk at people for?

So, Mr. Kotter.

What's Vinnie doing here?

He's giving me a nervous breakdown.

If his father doesn't take him back in the house

we're both gonna wind up at a funny farm.

[babbling]

Oh?

And where is Mrs. Kotter?

I do not hear the crackle of farm fresh country eggs.

Cool it, turkey.

Mrs. Kotter split.

Oh. Oh-oh!

Mr. Kotter!

Oh, I am so sorry for you.

- She took a powder, huh? - Yeah, she did.

Right after she told me I spend too much time with my students.

That's ridiculous.

We haven't seen you since we walked you home

from school yesterday.

Yeah.

Well, I ain't gonna stay in the same room with my ex friends.

Benedict and Arnold.

Why do I get in the middle of this?

I mean it might interest you guys to know that

there are some teachers who only see their students in school.

Julie was right, I'm callin' her right now

and tellin' her that.

Don't you guys have something to do?

- No. - No.

Go feed your faces, go ahead. Get something...

Oh, hey, yeah, I can taste them waffles.

Argh, I'm gonna make myself some waffles.

How do you make waffles?

Oh, it's kind of like making pancakes.

Only you gotta put little dents in 'em.

Yes. Uh, could I have Julie Kotter's room please?

What'd you mean she's not? She has to be.

You're the only hotel in the neighborhood.

Uh, m-mister, could you look up Julie Hanson?

You see, Hanson's my wife's maiden name and, uh

we're married and we had a little spat so...

What do you mean who cares?

Just look it up.

My mother's maiden name is Dingfelder.

My middle name is Dingfelder.

But I never use it. I mean, how would that sound?

Hello, how are ya?

I'm Arnold Dingfelder Horshack.

[laughing]

Hey, will you guys cool it?

Julie? Julie, hi honey. How're you doing?

Okay, what's new?

You spoke to a lawyer?

You spoke to my cousin, Bernie the lawyer?

Why didn't you speak to your own cousin, Bernie the lawyer?

There're no Bernies in Nebraska?

Julie, what would make my cousin represent you?

Go against his own flesh and blood.

You gave him $75.

Look, Julie, that's really a stupid thing to do.

You're really acting like a yutz now, you know that?

You're a yutz from Nebraska.

Hello? Julie? Hello?

Aw, Mr. Kotter, I feel real bad for you.

But always remember, a woman...

...is a sometime thing.

She'll take your heart and give it a fling.

But, when true love runs off its course...

Then she'll sue for divorce.

- And yet a-- - Get outta here!

Let's go. Give me your juice.

Those punks finally leave?

- You! - What?

Go to school and if you're not gonna go to school

go get yourself a job.

[scoffs] Boy, you sound just like my dad did when kicked me out.

I bet you don't think I could get a job, do you?

Well, I'll tell you this.

You don't need brains to get a job.

And I'm gonna prove it.

Yeah, Julie Hanson's room, please.

I'll show her who's boss. Gotta be firm with women.

That's the only thing they understand, firmness.

Julie honey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean...

Look, hey... hey, if you think we should separate

if that's the best thing, let's just get together

and talk about it. What do we need lawyers for?

Okay, why don't you come over here, baby?

Right after school, okay?

3:30? Okay, Julie. I'll see you then.

[school bell ringing]

[whistling]

Alright, step louder. Come on, come on, let's go.

Move it, move it, move it.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, keep it moving, that's right.

Hold it, hold it!

Alright, seats.

All present and accounted for, sir.

Except for Epstein and Horshack. They AWOL.

What'd you do when school's over, Washington?

Attack Staten Island?

Ah! I didn't do it!

Alright, it's a false alarm.

That was just your fearless leader.

Sit down, general.

You! Straighten up.

Hey, Rick. Ricky. Sit down.

I want your hair cut by morning.

- Hey, what's with you, Freddie? - I'm being leader.

Yeah? Well, you just led me into wishing I never voted for you.

Yeah, Vinnie didn't always act like the leader.

Sometimes he acted like a real person.

- Yeah. - Yeah. How about it, huh?

Alright, come on. Let's get right to work, alright?

[whistling]

Aw, come on.

One more thing, Mr. Kotter.

We need a recreation period.

[whispering] Washington, come here.

Come here.

Recreation period.

Class didn't even start yet!

So let's start with a break before we get all tired.

[laughs]

[whistles] Three minute break!

Alright, I decided that we should little bit of music...

...and some square dancing.

Square dancing?

[whispering] Square dancing?

♪♪

Yee-haw!

♪ Grab your partner Allemande left ♪

♪ Skip to my Lou my darling ♪

I'm taking this record and mailing it back to Hee Haw.

Sit down, general.

Now, you might be the leader of the Sweathog.

But, I am the commander-in-chief.

What I say goes. And I'd like to say a few things.

My name is Mr. Kotter. I am your teacher.

From 9:00 to 3:00. At no other time.

Which means coming to my house is a definite no-no.

You people here have caused friction between me and my wife.

And I will not let that happen anymore.

From now on there'll be no jokes

and no impressions in this classroom.

Now, turn your books to chapter 47.

I want a full outline by tomorrow morning.

From now on I will teach, you will learn.

Simple.

Mr. Kotter?

I see no reason for you to take it out on us.

We are impressionable children.

Just because your personal life is crumbling around your ears...

[theme music]

[knocking on door]

Julie, hi. What a pleasant surprise, you're a little early.

- Hello, Gabe. - Take this from you.

Okay.

Well. Let's talk about whatever you wanna talk about.

Alright, I, uh, I wanna talk--

First, before you say anything

there's a question I've to ask you.

I mean, I'm just curious, doesn't really matter anymore.

Is there another man?

No. There are four.

Four. Well, now I know how you spend your afternoons.

Four boys. You're with them all day.

And then when you come home at night, you're sitting

and thinking of new ways to entertain them.

Julie, you know what's wrong with you? You're jealous.

You're so busy envying me, my life

you haven't found time to go out and find a life of your own.

Gabe, I can't do anything. I'm an anthropology major.

Well, dig up the living room.

Julie, I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm so frustrated.

If you don't stop feeling sorry for yourself

I'm gonna put my fist through this table.

You will not.

Excuse me.

Aah!

[knocking on door]

I'll get it.

Hi.

I'm Vinnie Barbarino, your Tidy-Didy man.

Vinnie, what's this all about?

You told me to get a job.

Oh, I see the woman of the house is home.

Very good, very good.

Now, I am here to show you and you

how Tidy-Didy cleaner can change your life.

I do not believe this.

Will you please go and tidy your didy somewhere else?

Wherever dirt congregates, Tidy-Didy acts like

thousands of teeny-weeny... dirt suckers.

This is where I came in--

Julie, Julie, you can't leave again. Now sit down.

Both of you, come on, sit down!

Let's go.

Okay Julie, you said I'd changed.

I'm not Gabe anymore, I'm Mr. Kotter.

Well, you're right, I'm a teacher.

And I'm a good teacher. Right now, I am gonna teach.

Now you... is this what you're gonna do

with the rest of your life? Tidy-Didies?

Vinnie, you were voted out as leader.

You weren't voted out of school.

My advice to you is simple, and if you're smart

you'll take it.

Go back to school.

And you, nobody voted you out of this house.

Okay, we have problems, but the only way to solve 'em

is to solve 'em together.

Julie, I know, y-you're living my life and you have to have

your own life, but I can't make that happen for you.

You have to do that yourself.

Hey, you can't both leave.

Mr. Kotter, I'll think about it.

But in the meantime, I got a lot of doors to knock on.

[sighs]

I'll think about it too, Gabe.

I thought that was a really great speech.

[whistling] Mr. Woodman, wait.

Look, if school starts after lunch

it'll make the day shorter.

Call off your Sweathog, will you, Kotter?

Call him off, please.

Washington, take your whistle and blow.

[whistling]

[Washington] Eh, clean that mess up.

Kotter, never repeat what I'm about to say to you.

I miss Barbarino!

[bell ringing]

Okay, come on, let's get in. The bell rang. Let's go.

Come in. Come on, let's go.

Alright, today we're gonna get right to work.

I wanna talk about the two party system.

Now, Epstein, what're the advantages

of the two-party system?

Oh, that's an easy one.

In a two-party system, you get to go

to two kinds of parties.

Two kinds of dancin', two kinds of chip-dip

and two kinds of hopin' you'll, uh, make out.

[all exclaiming]

No, Mr. Kotter, see, in a two-party system

you always got somebody looking over your shoulder.

- Helps keep you honest. - Ah-ha!

Now, what would happen without that competition?

You get a dictator, like Freddie.

Yes sir, no sir!

Anywhere with a can of beer, sir.

[whistle blowing]

[all cheering]

[whistle blowing]

You know, Freddie, I feel

you're becoming a real schmendrick.

Yeah, a pain in my posterior.

You know, I'm gettin' the feeling that none of y'all

don't like me no more.

I just wanted to do a good job, that's all.

Look, it ain't so much that I wanted to be leader.

It's just that...

Hey, I never was and I never will be no follower.

Vinnie would understand that.

Somebody mention my name?

Here, Mr. Kotter, I'm back. Vinnie's back in town.

- Hey, it's official! - Hey, Vinnie.

[all applauding]

I was thinking about what you said, Mr. Kotter and...

...I dunno I couldn't sell that Tidy-Didy crud, I mean...

Couldn't even sell it to you.

And you're the softest touch in town.

Well, you've made the right move, Vinnie. I'm proud of you.

You're looking very well, Vinnie.

Hey, welcome back, Vinnie.

- Hey, Vinnie. - What?

- I'm glad you're back, man. - Freddie, goombah.

Not that glad.

[coughing]

Mr. Kotter, I come up with my own idea.

Why do we need a leader at all?

I mean, why can't everybody just take care of themselves?

- How's that? - Can we do that?

Hey, that's a great idea. I cast my vote for no leader.

- Alright. - I second.

- Good. - I third!

[all] Yeah.

Alright, it's unanimous. Horshack, get me my book.

Okay, Vinnie.

So, here.

Alright, I hope you guys don't mind

if we sneak a little school in here today, okay?

Mr. Kotter, I got one question.

Now that you and your wife are separated, right

I hope you don't mind that I asked her out on a date.

You asked my wife out?

Yeah, just a couple of minutes ago in the hall.

Well, she said she had to think about it.

- Hi. - Hi.

[both] Honey, I wanna--

- You go first. - No, you first.

Gabe, I'm so confused.

I know we have problems, but...

...I really wanna work 'em out.

I was so incredibly lonely without you.

I know what you mean, I mean, I kept turning

to look for you and you aren't there.

Last night, I told the pizza man I loved him.

I guess, we both have to change, huh?

Sure, change is good.

I mean without change, there'd be a lot of wet babies.

Alright, no more jokes.

No more jokes with you and no more jokes in the classroom.

From now on, I am through with jokes.

No, your students love your jokes.

It's the way you communicate with them.

I love your jokes, too.

Except there's one thing.

Why can't I tell a joke once in a while?

I can be very funny, you know.

- You can. Yeah, I know. - Uh-huh.

- Right. - I can.

Okay, honey. Why don't you tell a joke?

Oh...

Well, I hadn't really prepared anything.

I know.

Why does the chicken cross the road?

I don't know Gracie, why does the chicken cross the road?

To keep his pants up.

Chicken crosses the road...

...to keep his pants up.

Right, don't you get it? Wait.

Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?

[both] To get to the other side.

[both] Chicken crosses the road to keep his pants up.

Of course.

I think it's time for my number.

♪ Down near the river where the red roses grow ♪

♪ Oh my don't you know ♪

♪ Honey let me do that red rose rap ♪

- Say goodnight, Gracie. - Goodnight, Gracie.

[applauding]

Julie, listen. Ever tell you about my Aunt Bertha?

No, no, wait, wait. Wait.

Let me tell you about Aunt Bertha.

No, no, no. My Aunt Bertha is funnier.

- Just one more. No, no-- - You've been telling jokes--

It's hysterical. It's... Wait, you're gonna laugh.

You'll see yourself laughing.

- Okay? - Yes.

Gabe? Did I ever tell you about Aunt Bertha?

- No. What about her? - No?

Aunt Bertha was so fat, that when she sat around the house

she sat... around... the house.

[indistinct]

[theme music]

[male narrator] "Welcome Back, Kotter" is recorded live

before a studio audience.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they're turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him... ♪♪