Original subtitles

- See you tonight. - Okay.

Julie, did I tell you about my Uncle Bernie?

Uh, I thought you were late.

Yeah, that's the whole thing, my Uncle Bernie was always late.

Well, why was he always late?

Because my Aunt Helen would drive him crazy.

Whatever he'd do, she'd say

"Bernie, Bernie, you give me so much heartache.

"You know what I'm gonna do, Bernie?

"I'll dance on your grave, Bernie.

Listen to me, Bernie. I'll dance on your grave."

And what did Bernie say to that?

I'm gonna be buried at sea. Let her dance.

[male narrator] "Welcome Back Kotter" is recorded live

before a studio audience.

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

Kotter, my informants told me--

Oh, Captain Ahab, you looking for Moby Dick?

He went that way.

Kotter, I'm dressed like this--

Because...

♪ I'm singing in the rain ♪

♪ Singin' in the rain ♪

♪ What a glorious feeling ♪

♪ I'm happy again ♪

♪ I'm smiling-- ♪

Kotter!

♪ So high up above... ♪

Come on, Kotter.

♪ ...the sun ♪♪

That's not entertainment, Kotter.

Now, grim up.

I'm dressed like this because my informants told me

that Sweathogs are planning a food fight in the cafeteria.

You remember the last cafeteria riot?

Well, it took me weeks to get the goulash out of my socks.

[bell ringing]

Look, Mr. Woodman, believe me, my kids would not plan

a food fight without telling me first.

Hey, shalom, amigo.

[indistinct chattering]

They're not people, Kotter, they're not people.

Mr. Woodman, let me handle this, okay?

Well, you'd better, Kotter...

...because if you don't...

...I won't even let you collect unemployment.

I'll tell 'em you never worked here.

[laughing]

[imitating Mr. Woodman] Ha ha ha.

Hello, Arnold.

Haven't you noticed

you're wearing a green plastic bag?

I'm disguised as a green bean. Hyuk hyuk hyuk.

Ho ho ho. And how are things in the valley, little sprout?

Fine and dandy, jolly green giant.

How's your niblets?

Ha ha ha.

Ho ho ho.

Green Giant thinks

little sprout's been dipping into the sauce.

Okay. Why didn't you tell me that today

was gonna be dress-up day?

I mean, I could have painted graffiti on my suit

and come as a subway train.

You joke, Mr. Kotter.

We are fighting against something

that truly, grievously disturbs us.

Yeah, we protestin' liver.

Anybody's liver in particular?

Yeah, the liver they make us eat

in the cafeteria every Wednesday.

Yeah, so what we're gonna do is, see, we're gonna throw food

around the cafeteria till they treat our wishes

with a little respect.

[all] Yeah!

We got a dynamite plan.

First, Epstein here's gonna throw the first handful

of weenies and beans. Right?

[all cheering]

Washington is then gonna dump

his cottage cheese in the cash register.

While Horshack starts flicking chicken.

[all laughing]

Yeah, we'll punch 'em in the pot roast.

We'll, we'll kick 'em in the corned beef.

We'll mash 'em into meatballs.

[all cheering]

Right, right, right, uh, little sprout.

Before you ruin your clothes or whosoever's clothes

you happen to be wearing...

...have you thought of making your feelings known

in a civilized manner?

Like for instance, writing a petition.

Ha ha ha. Hey, man, petitions don't do no good.

Sure, they do. You just write out what you want.

"No liver." And then you all sign.

And then send it to Santa Claus in care of the North Pole.

[all laughing]

Hey, listen, all throughout history, people have peacefully

demonstrated for what they believed in.

You all have a chance to become part

of a great moment in Sweathog history.

[humming "I've been working on the railroad"]

[Kotter] Just as our forefathers had taxation without representation

we, Sweathogs, have liver on Wednesday.

We are the people! We are committed! We shall be heard!

And we shall not perish from the Earth

and we shall not eat liver on Wednesday.

Where do I sign?

Right over there. Put your John Hancock up on the board.

John...

...Han...

...cock.

Okay, who's gonna be the next one to sign?

Come on, get your signatures up--

Alright.

You know, uh, it really would be funny if I told

the unemployment office you never worked here.

Oh, that would be funny. But not as funny as this.

That's not funny, "Ha ha," Kotter, that's funny, "Strange."

What's happening with the, uh, food fight?

Oh, Mr. Woodman, you would be happy to know

that we have decided against the food fight.

We Sweathogs are going to work through the system.

What system, Kotter? There's only one system here.

You're free to do as you're told.

Mr. Woodman, cast your eyes on our petition.

Soon, every Sweathog's signature will be up on that board.

Forget it, Kotter. Who's this Hancock kid?

We all have to eat this swill. I have to eat it.

You have to eat it.

And if I die, I'm taking every one of you with me.

[laughing]

I am becoming a funny guy.

[indistinct chattering]

Hey, alright, alright, so our petition failed.

Are we gonna let that stop us?

[all] Yes.

I'll tell you one thing, it didn't stop Bonzo Moretti.

Who, you ask, was Bonzo Moretti?

No, I don't ask that. Do you ask that?

I don't wanna know who he is. Nobody wants to know who he is.

Alright, alright, since you're so interested

I'll tell you who Bonzo Moretti was.

Bonzo Moretti was a kid I went to school with.

When Bonzo had emotions, feelings, he let them be known.

Like, one time he thought there should be

a stoplight on the street we played stickball.

And just to let the city know he meant business

Bonzo sat right down in the middle of the street

until somethin' was done about it.

W-well, is-is there a stoplight there now?

No stoplight, but there is a plaque right on the spot

where the truck ran over Bonzo.

You mean you want us to sit and wait here

till a truck runs over us.

No, if we sit in over here, Woodman will see

that you're committed, that you mean business

that you're willing to stand up for what you believe in

He'll also, see that I think I sat on somebody's gum.

It's okay, Mr. Kotter. I'm with you all the way.

Hey, look, Mr. Kotter, it's been an hour and a half

since school got out, right?

I mean, you think that they know we mean business yet?

Nobody even knows we're in here.

Man, we're the only people know we're havin'...a sit-in.

Ah, don't be sure of that, Freddie.

Hey, he come to cancel the liver.

- That's it. We won. - Oh!

The thrill of victory.

What victory? You didn't win anything.

Oh, the agony of defeat.

Hey, we didn't win, Mr. Kotter.

What win?

Mr. Woodman, we have been sitting in against liver

and I'm warning you we are determined.

We will stay here all night if necessary.

Right, gang?

Right, gang?

Have you lost your marbles, Mr. Kotter?

Yeah, I distinctly heard the sound of marbles droppin'.

As far as I'm concerned, you can stay here as long as you want.

This will be one night the city can rest easy.

I'm warning you, Mr. Woodman, we are committed.

Well, if you aren't committed, Kotter, you ought to be.

[laughing]

I am really becoming a funny guy.

[laughing]

I think someone's been spiking his prune juice.

Aye aye, whoa, whoa, whoa. Where you goin'?

Look, it's 4:30. School's over. We gotta go.

Alright.

You wanna leave? Leave.

Whoa, just a second.

Just a second. I just wanna tell you one thing, okay?

Suppose our founding fathers would've felt the way

you guys felt. You're willing to cop out, huh?

I mean, they believe in something.

They were willing to stand for what they believed in.

Know what they used to do?

They used to gather every night at the Valley Forge Ramada Inn.

They'd sing songs.

Songs that made this country great, songs that made us free.

Songs that you could believe in.

Songs like... you know what I've got?

♪ I've got 99 bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ Ninety nine bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of those bottles should happen to fall ♪

♪ Ninety eight bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ Ninety eight bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ Ninety eight bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of those bottles should happen to fall ♪

♪ Ninety seven bottles of beer on the wall... ♪♪

That's the way it was, 200 years ago today.

The Valley Forge Ramada Inn.

This bicentennial minute has been brought to you by S.H.E.L.

Students Happy to End Liver.

[continues singing]

♪ ...twelve bottles of beer on the wall ♪

♪ Twelve bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of them bottles should happen to fall ♪

♪ One bottle of beer on the wall ♪♪

Okay, okay, I finally got a hold of everybody's parents.

And for some strange reason, they're not upset

that you won't be home tonight.

- How you doin', boss? - What?

That's pretty good, huh, boss?

Listen...

...you keep walking you're gonna fall through to China.

He he, hey, I've never been to China, boss. What's it like?

China? Well, it's a lot like Cleveland.

Only in China, there's less Chinese restaurants.

He he, that's pretty good, boss.

But I gotta keep moving, boss. I think I got hydrophobia.

- That's claustrophobia. - Hm.

You only get hydrophobia if you bite somebody.

Have you bitten anybody lately?

You know how it is in China, boss.

You bite somebody, two hours later you wanna bite 'em again.

- Eh, that's pretty good. - That's ridiculous?

Reasoner.

Reasoner, I wish I had a good reason for being here.

Reasoner.

Hey, boss, I think he's delirious.

Reasoner?

Harry Reasoner.

I always have supper with Harry Reasoner.

Oh, severe hunger.

I think I'll go get a cheeseburger--

[clamoring]

We are on a sit-in, lest we forget, we cannot leave.

Oh, look, we'll just sit out for a couple of minutes.

Grab some burgers and sit right back in, alright?

- Save a place for us, okay? - Come on.

It is very important that we stay here.

It's not that hard. People have gone without food for days.

And died right after.

- Hi, everybody. - Julie.

- Julie, what're you doing here? - Hi.

Picnic basket.

Food! Food!

Arnold, Arnold, take it easy.

It's alright, Arnold. There is plenty here for everybody.

I have brought my famous...

...tuna casserole.

You will appreciate it when you're a little bit hungrier.

Julie, about a thousand years ago

there was a great famine in Europe.

If you ask those people at that time, when they were starving

to choose between death and your tuna casserole

ninety eight percent would've chosen death.

I also brought blankets to keep us

warm and toasty tonight.

Julie, this is not a love-in.

- This is a sit-in. - I know the difference.

In case you've forgotten, I used to organize sit-ins.

Okay, we're all gonna be here for a while.

So, let's entertain ourselves.

Sit down.

♪ Ninety nine bottles of beer in the wall ♪

♪ Ninety nine bottles of beer-- ♪♪

I love this song!

Stop, stop, there are no more bottles of beer falling off

any walls anywhere. That's it.

It's time to go to sleep. Beddy-bye time.

Oh, come on, Mr. Kotter. It's early.

Let's get the girls on that side of the room

and the boys on this side.

We're gonna sleep 'cause it's late.

- I need something to eat. - Something to do.

[Kotter] Come on, take a blanket. Take a blanket, everybody.

Mr. Kotter...

...I think we got a little problem here.

What's the little problem, Vinnie?

Well, you see, I always make it a practice to sleep in the nude.

Go ahead.

You don't think I will, do you?

Well, you're darn lucky it's so cold

in here tonight, I'll tell you that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kotter] Hey, Vinnie, where are you going?

Vinnie, this side of the room.

Get over here, Vinnie.

You don't seem to understand somethin'.

I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

Well, you can Vinnie your Barbarino

on this side of the room.

[Kotter] Alright, everybody got a blanket?

Shutting off the lights.

Anybody wants to leave this hall light on, I will.

We are not babies, Mr. Kotter.

Okay, see you tomorrow. Let's sleep.

[crying]

I, I would have been okay if I had my teddy.

Well, you can't have your teddy.

Then how about Mrs. Kotter?

You can't have my teddy either.

Just leave the hall light on.

[Arnold] Okay.

Dear Lord...

...I know we're really close. And I think that we would be--

Hey, Vinnie, is that you praying?

Yeah, so what?

So nothin', it's cool, man.

Send my regards.

Now, where was I, Lord?

Oh, that's right. Thanks.

Now, I lay me down to sleep.

Arnold Horshack at my feet.

Ha ha ha.

Dear Lord...

...please bless my mom.

And all the girls out there I ain't met yet.

Goodnight.

- Hey, Horshack. - Huh?

Tell me something.

You ever think about what God is like?

Oh, yeah.

I think he's short.

And he has a marvelous sense of humor.

And a great laugh.

Hey, God can do anything.

He can?

She can.

You know, she's sings just like Aretha Franklin.

You know, I-I think God is...

...is kinda tough, you know?

But he's fair.

Sort of like, like John Wayne in a white beard, you know?

[imitating John Wayne] Alright, pilgrims.

Move those clouds in a circle.

Well, I got my own idea of what God is like.

I know he's a sharp dresser.

And he's good looking.

And of course he's Italian.

Yeah?

If you ask me, all that stuff about harps is lot of jive.

God is backed up by jazz rhythm section.

He got a piano, a bass guitar

and a drummer with a good right foot.

Well, I think that God is love.

And if God were here...

...he would love my tuna casserole.

Hey, Mr. Kotter...

...what's your feelings on this subject?

Well...

...I think that, uh, God is everywhere.

Even in liver?

He's everywhere.

He's in Times Square...

...used to be in Ebbets Field.

Spent a lot of time in Ebbets Field.

He's moonlight in Vermont.

Autumn in New York.

All the standards.

He's everywhere.

With the possible expectation of Epstein's gym locker.

Got to sleep.

Look at them.

When they're all asleep like that...

...they still look like Sweathogs.

Kotter, Kotter.

You're still here?

Mr. Woodman.

Oh, we've been here all night.

And we're gonna stay here forever.

Or until Vinnie wakes up, whichever comes first.

Yeah, so what are you gonna do about liver day now?

Nothing.

I couldn't do anything if I wanted to.

Buchanan liver contract still has three years to run.

And besides, who cares if a bunch of Sweathogs

spend the night in a classroom.

- Hello, everybody. - Hi, there.

- Hey, what it is? - Hello, Mr. Woodman.

My, but you certainly look robust today.

Alright, Ludlow, you're already class president.

Stop pushing for my job.

Mr. Kotter...

...we are the first wave of those

who have decided to join your cause.

More are coming!

This is a liver rebellion!

Down with liver!

[all] Down with liver!

Down with liver!

- Down with liver! - Alright, alright.

- Down with liver! - Alright.

- Alright. - Down with--

Since the real students seem to dislike liver too

I'll... I'll see if I can work out a trade

with the principal of New Utrecht.

His students are protesting chipped beef.

And wait till you taste the chipped beef?

[laughing]

Yeah, we still won.

[all cheering]

Oh, oh, oh.

- Arnold, Arnold, Arnold. - Oh, oh, oh.

Arnold, it's much too early in the morning to "oh oh."

But, Mr. Kotter, don't you think we ought to wake up Vinnie

before we celebrate?

Vinnie, Vinnie, get up. We going to celebrate.

[Kotter] Vinnie!

Looks like I'm gonna have to do what my mother used to do.

Go ahead.

Vinnie?

Come on, darling.

Come on, it's time to go to school, honeybunch.

Come on, mama. Five more minutes.

Alright? Alright, ma.

Vinnie.

Get up, you lazy bum!

What are you gonna do, sleep your life away?

Up, up, up!

Mom!

Congratulations, honey. You won.

Yeah, we won, huh?

We beat him.

We beat Woodman's liver.

Today Woodman's liver.

Tomorrow my wife's tuna casserole.

[theme music]

- Could you give me a hand? - Yeah, sure, baby.

Ever tell about my Uncle Jack that was afraid to fly?

No.

He was afraid to fly, so my Aunt Rose thought

if she would take him in a plane he would get over his fear.

So up in the plane, these old pre World War II planes

you know, open and everything

and my Uncle Jack is going crazy.

He's sayin', "We're gonna die, we're gonna get killed.

You know how much money a funeral cost?"

Pilot says, "Look, Mr. Kotter, if you please shut up

when we get to the land, I won't charge you for the flight."

Well, when Uncle Jack hears that, he shuts up.

They land and the pilot says, "You did it, Mr. Kotter.

Congratulations. The flight is on me."

Uncle Jack says, "Well, I almost felt like opening my mouth.

Especially when Rose fell out of the plane."

♪♪

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease a... ♪♪