Original subtitles

Julie, did I tell you what happened last week

to my Aunt Esther?

You never even told me you had an Aunt Esther.

Last week Aunt Esther was in her living room

when all of a sudden the doorbell rang.

She answered the door and there was a nice young man there

who says, "I have a telegram for you."

She said, "Young man, you know what I wanted my whole life?

A singing telegram."

He said, "I'm sorry. This is not a singing telegram."

She said, "Will you begrudge an old lady a singing telegram

once in her life? Would you do that to me?"

He said, "Alright, lady, if you want it

I'll do a singing telegram."

He opens it up and he said...

♪ Ta-da-ta-da-ta-ta ♪

♪ Your sister Rose is dead ♪

♪ It seems that she died in bed ♪

♪ She was really great but she was 88 ♪

♪ And your sister Rose is dead ♪♪

[Kotter] "Welcome Back, Kotter" is recorded live

before a studio audience.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[theme music]

Julie, I'm home.

Hiya!

Well, I see I got that same old magic.

[sighs]

Hi. I didn't hear you come in.

Julie, are you okay, huh?

Look at me! Look at me!

Look at me! Look at me!

- I'm an intelligent person. - Yes, you are.

- I'm a college graduate. - I know. I know that.

What am I doing? I'm watching meatloaf!

Well, would you feel more comfortable

if you looked at some lettuce for a while?

Hey, look. I'm sorry.

Hey, now what's the problem?

Candy Lieberman came over today.

Oh. Well, Candy Lieberman is a definite problem.

I know that she is not your favorite neighbor.

Favorite? Julie, we don't like each other.

Every time I go to take out the garbage, she boos.

It is not you personally.

It's husbands, in general.

She had a very bad marriage.

Of course it was a bad marriage. She was the wife.

Well, she is thrilled about being single.

And she was over here today, flaunting her freedom.

She's going to Vermont to go skiing this weekend.

Oh, big deal. I mean, you could go skiing if you wanted to.

That's what I told her.

So she asked me to go with her.

Well, what did you say?

I told her, "I'd have to ask my husband."

Julie, that's just it. You don't have to ask me.

Look, we have a free and an equal relationship.

If one of us wants to do something, we just do it.

Now go over and tell Candy that you'll go

skiing with her this weekend.

I already did.

Without asking me?

Okay, so to ensure our system of government

that all men and women

have the right to choose their own way of life

we fought the Revolutionary War

that went through in Valley Forge.

It was cold, brutal.

Two feet of snow on the ground.

All the lifts were open.

And the instructors wore tight ski pants.

Excuse me, Mr. Kotter!

Isn't Valley Forge in Pennsylvania?

Sure, it's in Pennsylvania.

Well, I don't like to be picky, but you seem to be pointing

somewhere in the neighborhood of Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

[students laughing]

Hey, Kotter, I got a question.

How come they always say

"George Washington slept here, George Washington slept there"?

I mean, who cares where George Washington slept?

Probably, only Martha.

- You notice somethin'? - Hm?

I think he might've had a thing

going on the side with Betsy Ross.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh! Betsy Ross.

She was a little sew and sew.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, you think guys like George Washington

uh, messed around?

Hey, Epstein, are you kiddin'?

A guy in a powdered wig is lookin' for trouble.

Man, he'd never make two blocks in this neighborhood.

Oh, yeah, well, how do you know while George was away

Martha didn't play?

No, she didn't do that.

That's right. Now who knows what Martha did?

She might have gone skiing with Candy Lieberman.

[bell ringing]

[Vinnie] Hey, come here. I wanna talk to you.

- He's acting weird. - Yeah, well.

- Let's go watch him. - Check him out.

- Check it out. - Yeah.

Hey, Kotter, we-we was all wonderin'.

I mean... Hey, what's wrong with you today?

- What's wrong? - Yeah.

- What's wrong with me? - Yeah.

Nothing wrong with me.

Oh, come on. You can't kid us.

I mean, you leave me no choice but to prove it.

Hey, Kotter.

Up your nose with a rubber hose.

Hey, Kotter, you are so low. You...

I mean, you are so low that you could play handball

up against the curb.

[laughing]

See what I mean? The old Kotter wouldn't have taken that.

He's right, Mr. Kotter.

If you was yourself today and Vinnie said them things to you

why, you probably would've said somethin' like, uh

"Hey, Vinnie, you know why you don't got no freckles?

'Cause they'd probably slide off!"

[laughing]

And then, then you probably would've said

"Hey, Vinnie, if you ever jumped off

"the George Washington Bridge

"you'd leave a bathtub ring!

All around the Hudson River!"

[laughing] And then, then the big finish, the big finish.

"Hey, Vinnie, they tell me your mother--"

- Alright, alright, alright! - Ah!

Enough, Horshack. Enough!

Hey, Mr. Kotter, look. We your friends.

I mean, come on, level with us here.

What's the matter? What's wrong?

There's nothing wrong, it's just that

Julie went away for the weekend

and we've never been separated before.

Oh! Oh, you and Mrs. Kotter separated.

Hey, that's a bummer. Isn't that a bummer?

Who's the other guy?

Hey, look, if you want, I mean, I'll take care of him for ya.

Hey, it's nothing like that.

She just went away for the weekend.

Sure, yeah. That's what they all say.

It's like my sister's husband. He went away for the weekend.

He ain't been back in three years!

[Vinnie] You know, Freddie is right.

Let me put it to you as delicately as possible.

You been dumped.

Take it from me. There's only one way to get over a woman.

Find another one. I happen to know this girl.

She's a little too, uh, old for me. She's 19.

Oh, she... Believe me, she's ready to trot.

- Ready to trot? - Yeah.

Well, take her out to Yonkers Raceway.

Look, I appreciate your concern

but Julie just went skiing for the weekend.

Come on, uh, let's-let's leave him alone.

We better go now, alright? Come on. Let's go, guys, right?

She just went skiing for the weekend.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, i-i-it's not that bad.

My sister's second husband only stayed away six months.

Be brave...

...little buckaroo.

[thuds]

Uh, Kotter.

Uh, I am the assistant principal, after all

and you are just a teacher, but, uh

if you have some sort of problem--

Yes, I do have a problem. You see, my wife's--

Oh, uh, wife, uh, husband and wife problem, uh, uh, that...

I mean, uh, I'm, uh... Never been either of those.

I, uh, I mean, married.

That is, if you had a problem, uh

with the school supplies or the, uh, teacher's pension plan--

Listen, Mr. Woodman, Julie and I have been married

for three years, and it's the first time we've been separated.

What?

Wha-what do you mean, she-she left you?

Yes. For the weekend!

She went, uh, skiing in Vermont.

A ski weekend in Vermont?

Mr. Woodman, what's wrong?

Kotter, sit down, would you, please?

I'm gonna tell you something that very few people know.

I was once engaged to be married

to the sweetest, purest girl who ever lived

Bunny Sholdenfry.

Bunny Sholdenfry?

We were to be married on Christmas Day.

On the 21st of December

Bunny went on a ski weekend to Vermont.

I don't know if it was moonlight in Vermont

or Max Schlicht in Vermont.

Who is Max Schlicht?

Her ski instructor.

I bet he had tight pants, huh?

And goggles.

Anyway, I, uh, I never saw Bunny again.

What? You mean she just vanished?

Oh, no. I, uh, I heard from her once.

Postcard from the Alps.

It was during the war and, uh, Max was pretending to be Swiss!

No, Kotter.

I would never let a woman I loved

spend a ski weekend in Vermont.

So...

...you are Julie Kotter, huh?

Well, you're skinny but cute.

Not much meat there, but what there is is choice.

[laughs]

I am the fabulously handsome Max Schlicht Jr.

Ha-ha-ha...

What do you say, Liebchen?

Let's go mess around behind the snowdrift.

We'll shoosh under the stars.

We'll hotdog our way to heaven.

Come on, cutie pie.

Julie!

Julie, don't do it! He's not even Swiss!

[theme music]

Look, Marty, I understand. Hey.

I called you at the last minute on a Friday night.

You got plans, right?

Oh, you and Eddie got dates? Wow.

Two Air Siam stewardesses are flying in from Bangkok.

Hey, they'll take their shoes off and walk on your back.

Coffee, tea or hoo-hoo-hoo?

Hey, listen, Marty. Let's keep in touch, huh?

Give me a call sometime. Terrific.

Hey, nice talkin' again, pal. Bye.

Yeah. Two Air Siam stewardesses.

Probably two waitresses from the bowling alley.

Let's see, who can I call?

Been so long.

Leon! Hey, it'd be great to see Leon.

[chuckles] Leon.

Leon!

Hey, Leon! Leon!

It's Gabe!

[chuckles] It's Gabe!

Kotter.

♪-O-T-T-E-R.

From the army!

That's right. Corporal Kotter. How you doin', Leon?

Hey, I'll tell you why I'm callin', my wife went away

for the weekend. I'm thinkin' what should I do.

Then it hits me. I'll call up Leon.

Two old army buddies will get together and shoot the breeze.

Come on, we'll kill a Friday night.

No, I didn't know that, Leon.

I mean, how am I supposed to know that?

I didn't know that you became a rabbi.

Look, in the army you weren't even Jewish.

Well, I guess that takes care of Friday night, huh?

Why don't we get together on a Sunday night?

Terrific! I'll give you a call.

Okay. Shalom.

Shalom.

S-H-A-L-O-M.

It means goodbye.

Goodbye, Leon.

Must be a Reform rabbi.

No, I can't do that.

No.

Barbarino!

It's Mr. Kotter.

What do you mean "What?" Your teacher. Mr. Kotter.

"Where?" From school! From where. That's...

No, listen, take it easy. Nothing's missing.

I'll tell you why I'm calling.

Hey, look, you know, I don't wanna get in the way

of any plans that you guys have made.

- No, no, no. - Hey, no, man.

We wasn't planning anything special.

I bet two blues and three whites.

I forget. How much is that now?

Uh, Mr. Kotter wouldn't let us play for no money.

So two blues and three whites are worth

two blues and three whites.

Two blues and three whites.

I'm out. Hey, I wanna talk to you--

- Come on, we're gonna play po-- - It's business!

I gotta talk business. Come on, I wanna talk with you.

I'll be right back.

I'm out.

Now, um, I know that you're down and I know that you're depressed

and I think that you and me should go out tonight. Alright?

Now, Angel Winetrout has got this older sister.

She don't care who she goes out with.

You mean, uh, she would even go out with somebody like me?

Oh, yeah. She's, she's gone out with guys worse than you.

Put that book away. Pick it up and put it away.

I don't wanna see that book here anymore. Alright?

Now, look, for the last time

Julie has gone away for the weekend. I trust Julie.

Now if you can't trust your wife, who can you trust, huh?

Read 'em and weep, boys. A full boat. Crying towel downstairs.

I win! I win! I win! I...

[scatting]

Come on, let me call Angel. We'll...

We'll go meet her sister, right?

- Sit down, Vinnie. - Oh, we should.

- We should. - You know what you should do?

You should deal the cards 'cause it's your turn.

I don't wanna hear anymore about girls tonight, okay?

- Alright, alright. - Why we come here for?

- We came to play cards. - Right, right.

Alright, so we're gonna play cards or what?

- Let's play some cards. - Here it is.

- They're on the table. - Vinnie.

Vinnie, what kinda game is this?

Okay, the name of this game

is Five-Card Forehead Stud.

Sounds like a movie you guys aren't old enough to see.

Alright, the reason it's called Five-Card

is on account that everybody gets five cards, right?

Now, except four of them are face-up right now.

Now I deal the fifth one down like this, right?

Bing-bang-bong. Now...

You don't pick it up till I count to three.

I ain't even counted one yet.

Now when I count three, you then pick the card

but don't look at it and you put it up on your forehead.

Wait a second. You put the card on your forehead?

Don't you know anything about poker?

Yeah. I'm just trying to understand this game here, okay?

You got four cards face-up, you put

the fifth card on your forehead.

So everybody knows what you have

and you're the only one that doesn't know what you have.

- Right? Dumb, dumb game. - Right.

- Let's do it. - Alright. Ready? One.

Alright, alright, antes. Come on. Let's ante.

- Nobody gets a free ride. - No free rides.

- Dumb game. - No free rides.

- Here we go. - Now, are we ready?

- Uh-huh. - Alright.

One, two, three.

[laughing]

[Vinnie] Horshack!

[coughs]

I'm sorry, it's just that

you all do look very ridiculous.

Especially you, Mr. Kotter.

I mean, we're just kids, but you are a grown man

with a two of hearts on your forehead.

- Horshack... - Well, guess I'm out.

Um, I fold.

I'm out, too.

Well, I guess that leaves me and you, huh, Arnold?

Well, I'm gonna bet and I'm gonna bet big.

Make it five whites.

- Five reds. - Roo-roo-roo...

And five blues.

Uh-oh.

Well, that's it. Are you gonna fold now, huh, Horshack?

No.

- Five whites. - Oh.

- He's calling. - Five blues.

Five reds and another five reds for the kids.

A raise!

Well, you had your little fun now, Arnold.

Now you're gonna fold, right?

Epstein...

I think it's high time I made a stand!

- Horshack? - I fold.

- Yay. - Ha-ha...

- Come on... - Well, that's good. I win.

You guys are something else. I don't believe you guys.

Hey, look, I gotta go, I mean, if I don't get home by midnight

my mother gives my bed to somebody else.

Alright, let's call it a night.

Hey, what's goin'? Is everybody leavin'? Come on.

Hey, look, why don't I put on some records while I bring out

the soda? I got some great old records.

Come on, I got Herman's Hermits.

Gerry and the Pacemakers.

I got a group you never heard. Danny and the Juniors.

- You'll really love it. - We'll see you, alright?

Hey, well, how about Danny without the Juniors?

Gerry without his Pacemakers?

[door shuts]

What's the matter with me?

No wife. No friends.

I've got nothing here.

And why am I here where there's nothing?

I could be in Vermont where there's Julie

and Max Schlicht, Jr.

I'll just pack up my suitcase and go to Vermont.

That's it. Simple.

Let me see. Vermont's cold. Snow.

I'll take a sweater, undershirt, bow tie. You need a bow tie.

After ski party, everybody's got a bow tie.

Let me see. Belt. I'll pick a belt, put it around my pants.

I got a belt, alright. I'll get mouthwash, shaving cream.

Here we go. Mouthwash, shaving cream, razor.

Okay.

My ears are gonna be cold. I need somethin' for my ears.

What do I get... Bathrobe.

Wrap a bathrobe around my ears. My ears will be warm.

Great. Skis! Terrific idea, Julie.

- Julie. - Yeah.

- What are you doin' home? - Oh.

I couldn't stand Candy anymore.

She just never stopped talking.

Uh, what are you doing with a suitcase?

- Oh, the suitcase? Oh, well... - Suitcase.

Uh, you know how you have fire drills in school?

Well, I was having a packing drill.

You see, you never know when a trip's gonna breakout.

- Right, absolutely. - So you need a packing drill.

Good. Uh-huh.

- What went on here tonight? - Oh, this? This is...

Well, you see, I had one of my kinky parties.

I have one every time you go away.

I missed you.

Didn't you miss me?

Sure. A little.

I could always catch up with Candy.

I'm sure that she is still somewhere in Vermont

talking to an empty chair.

You know I missed you, dummy.

[German accent] You will go no place.

I am the fabulously handsome Max Schlicht, Jr.

Who?

Max Schlicht, Jr.

And it seems we are snowed in for the weekend.

So why don't we get comfortable and bundle up?

Um, when you say bundle up

what exactly do you mean?

I will show you, Liebchen.

It's easier than falling off skis.

[theme music]

Julie, did you read about this, they're thinkin'

of havin' a lumberjack strike.

- Oh. Wait. No. - Did I ever tell you I have--

You have a relative who is a lumberjack.

[Kotter] That's right. My Uncle Sanford.

Now, he's a small guy, but a great lumberjack.

One day he goes up to this guy that's about to cut down

a redwood tree. Big guy, huh?

Uncle Sanford said, "Hey, mister, come here.

You're doing this all wrong."

Big guy looks and he said, "Well, I suppose

that you could do it better, huh?"

He said, "Give me the axe, huh? Just give me the axe."

One swoop, whoom, whole tree goes down. Guy can't believe it.

He said, "Where did you learn to do that?"

Uncle Sanford said, "You wanna know where I learned to do that?

I learned to do that in the Sahara Forest."

Guy says, "You meant the Sahara Desert, didn't you?"

[chuckles] Uncle Sanford said, "Now."

[theme music]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need... ♪♪