Original subtitles

Julie, did I ever tell you about my Uncle Malcolm

the traveling salesman?

No, why don't you?

One time Uncle Malcolm is in Duluth

checks out of his hotel goes to the train

and he noticed he left his umbrella in the hotel room.

Well, what did he do?

Well, he went back to the hotel, went up to the clerk, and said

[imitating Malcolm] "I'm Malcolm Kotter, the traveling salesman

and I have left my umbrella in room 923."

Okay, what did the clerk say?

Clerk said, "Mr. Kotter, we just rented that room

"to a honeymoon couple. Now, if you wanna go up there

and knock on the door, that's up to you."

Well, what did Uncle Malcolm do?

Uncle Malcolm goes up to the hotel room

and he's about to knock on the door when he hears

from inside the room, "Whose little eyes are these?"

[imitating wife] "Why, they are yours."

[imitating husband] "Whose little nose is this?"

[imitating wife] "Why, it's yours."

[imitating husband] "Well, whose little neck is this?"

[imitating wife] "Why, it's yours."

Uncle Malcolm knocks on the door and he says

"Listen, when you get to the little umbrella, it's mine!"

[male announcer] "Welcome back, Kotter" is recorded live

before a studio audience.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

Okay, in our continuing unit on the great inventors

today's saga, the story of Thomas Alva Edison

the Kotter repertory theatre presents a dramatization.

[all clapping]

[knocking]

Is Thomas Alva Edison at home?

[imitating Mrs. Edison] This is Mrs. Edison.

Who shall I say is calling?

It's the devil.

[imitating Mrs. Edison] The devil? D-did you say the devil?

Tom, Tom, it's the devil!

[imitating Edison] Oh, boy, he's here again, huh?

First he comes in 1875, 1876, he shows up.

And now it's 1877, he shows up again.

Listen, get lost. I'm inventing the phonograph.

I don't need you around here.

[imitating devil] I don't care about the phonograph.

I don't care about inventing.

♪ I don't care I don't care ♪

♪ What people think of me ♪

♪ I'm happy-go-lucky while some say I'm plucky ♪♪

Come on, Tom, forget about inventing.

Come out with me tonight. We'll go to a discotheque

see some go-go girls. What do you say?

[imitating Edison] Get killed with your go-go girls.

I'm inventing a phonograph.

I don't care because if I don't invent it

my Stevie Wonder albums won't be a worth a nickel.

[scatting]

[cheering and applause]

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh...

[Kotter] Arnold, Arnold.

That was very impressive, Mr. Kotter.

Yes, yes, never in this reviewer's memory has he seen

a better classroom dramatization.

Uh, I-I give you four stars.

Alright, well, we'll see how many stars I give it.

Epstein, who invented the phonograph?

I see, uh, Thomas Alva Edison invented the phonograph, right?

In, uh,1877...

...right after he wouldn't go boogieingwith devil.

Say, hallelujah. Hell, yeah!

Okay, now forget about the devil.

- Ah, Kotter. - Thomas Alva--

Kotter, the board has advised me they'd be happy to see

some of your Sweathogs promoted to regular classes.

I, uh, checked the records and I was astonished to see

that, uh, one of your menagerie has made considerable progress

and is now deemed promotable.

Welcome to the real world...

...Arnold Horshack.

[Kotter] Horshack.

[Epstein] Hey, did you hear that, Arnold?

Arnold, wake up!

- He heard. - You killed him.

Arnold, come on, wake up, Arnold.

This is the biggest moment of your life.

Don't sleep through it.

Arnold, quick, give me a "Oh, oh, oh."

- He's coming to. - What was that name again?

[Woodman] Horshack, Arnold Horshack.

[wheezy laughter]

Goodbye, gang.

Goodbye, Mr. Kotter.

It was great fun, but it was just one of those things.

Good luck, Arnold, good luck.

Oh, please, Mr. Kotter!

Tell Mr. Woodman it's a mistake.

Kotter, let that boy go.

Arnold, let go. Arnold.

Arnold, I cannot go through life with you attached to my leg.

This is not a mistake. It's not a mistake.

One of my Sweathogs is moving up in the world.

This boy down there is a symbol that Gabe Kotter...

...is succeeding as a teacher.

Arnold, I give you the farewell Sweathog salute.

Up your nose with a rubber hose!

Good luck in the real world, Arnold.

Oh, sometimes, this job is a real drag.

[bell ringing]

[Kotter] Hey, come on, isn't that terrific?

Mr. Kotter...

...Horshack won't be able to survive in the real world.

I mean, he's special. You can't put him with real people.

Oh, boy, am I glad to see you guys? Was I homesick?

Homesick? You ain't even been gone yet.

Freddie, you don't know what a regular class is like.

No jokes, no costumes, no impressions.

And-and when I do my laugh, you know, hyuk hyuk hyuk...

...kids won't laugh with me.

They laugh at me.

Hey, look, Horshack...

...why don't you go talk to Kotter about it, ya know?

Like, he's pretty good about this kinda thing.

Epstein, you do not seem to realize

that I am Mr. Kotter's symbol of being a good teacher.

If I go to him, he'll think he's a bad teacher.

How can he think he's a bad teacher

if I am a symbol of him being a good teacher?

[all] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Arnold, you know I...

...I ain't never knew you was, was smart.

Hey, that's it! Arnold, I got it.

Look, all you gotta do to get back

in that classroom is to act dumb.

Quick thinking, Vinnie.

But I rather not have to act dumb.

It's something that gotta come natural, you know.

Arnold, oh, Arnold, look at me.

It's easy actin' dumb. I do it all the time.

I know, Vinnie.

And you're very good at it.

What?

[both laughing] Yea-a-ah.

Horshack, if you ask me there's only

one way out of this thing, right?

You gotta get yourself in trouble.

Right. Now, dig...

...speaking as an expert, trouble is the way

to go to getting yourself noticed.

And for gettin' in trouble, you have come

to the right man, my friend.

Now, I can get just you in trouble or I can offer

the family plan and get your whole family in trouble.

[indistinct chatter]

Alright, guys, I hate to break up this reunion

but I think Arnold's gotta go and make new friends

with his new classmates.

How?

Just walk up to them, you say, "Hey, I'm Arnold Horshack.

Why don't you come up and see my lunch box?"

Hey, don't worry about nothin', you hear?

- We got ya covered. - Shalom, amigo.

- Go get 'em. - Take care.

Has it occurred to any of you that by trying to help

Horshack you're hurting him?

You're not giving him a chance to prove himself

outside the Sweathogs.

You gotta let him try and make new friends.

Somethin' wrong with his old friends?

Yeah, you couldn't give friends like us away.

You got a point there, Epstein.

Look, I mean, if Benjamin Franklin's wife

didn't tell him to go fly a kite

we'd all be standing here in the dark.

Napoleon would be just another short person.

Abe Lincoln wouldn't have been president.

There'd be some stranger on a five dollar bill.

If you really care about Horshack...

...I mean really care about him, you gotta let him go.

Trust me.

Hey, look, uh, I don't wanna hurt Horshack, you know?

Yeah, he's our friend.

Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna be the guy that stubs Horshack

from being president.

I mean, if the people want him.

Hey, hey, I got all the way to my new class

when I realized I don't wanna make new friends.

So, I'm available.

So what's everybody planning on doing?

Well, in a couple of minutes, I gotta go over to

Ben Franklin Hotel, I'm gonna meet a friend of mine.

near the Abe Lincoln room and I think I'll have a Napoleon.

Good.

A-Arnold, Arnold, oh, see, I'm...

See, Arnold, like, um, see, I-I-I got, I got, um...

...I got basketball practice, you see

and like, uh, like I'm gonna see you later.

- Check y'all later. - Bye-bye.

Hey, Juan, you wanna play a trick on me?

I'm open to anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd love to, man.

Uh, but I gotta go... study.

Well, I guess that leaves you and me, huh, Vinnie?

Yeah, that's right.

Arnold, you wouldn't believe it.

I get this phone call, right?

Bonzo Moretti.

I haven't seen him for years.

He says to me, "Hey, Vinnie, we got to get together

do some business." I said, "Bonzo, now?"

He says, "Yeah, now."

Bing-a-bang-a-bomb.

I'm stuck in a corner. I gotta go, Arnold.

I'm sorry.

Well, Arnold, I'm really proud of you, you know. We all are.

You made it out of the Sweathogs.

I'm gonna see you around, huh... symbol?

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place... ♪♪

Heat, send up heat.

Why are you talking to that radiator?

You know that that radiator doesn't listen.

Why don't you try talking to the oven?

Because the oven is food heat.

The radiator is people heat.

What about if we get together and generate a little body heat?

Oh, that's a terrific idea.

But first, you stop pretending that you're not cold

and you go downstairs and talk to the super.

- I'm not cold. - Ha ha ha.

You're the one that's cold.

So why don't you go talk to Mr. Schmiller?

You would like me, your wife, to go down to the basement alone?

Tsk tsk, there are things in the basement.

Large, hairy things.

Well, let's not discuss Mrs. Schmiller.

Look, I do not wanna go see Mr. Schmiller.

Mr. Schmiller happens to be a very mean man.

Okay, just remember, body heat

rests on your decision.

That's blackmail.

You got it.

- Blackmail. - Mm-hmm.

Arnold!

What are you doing here?

I said, what are you doing here?

Hello, Mrs. Kotter, I gotta talk to you alone.

Well, how did you know that I would be alone, Arnold?

Oh, see, I'm the one who turned down the heat.

Come on, Arnold, sit down.

Mrs. Kotter, I got a favor to axe of you.

Axe, Arnold, axe.

Mrs. Kotter, do you think that you could use

your multifaceted female charms

to get Mr. Kotter to like me again?

Mr. Kotter likes you, Arnold.

Arnold, you should be proud.

Just think of the example that you're setting

for all the other Sweathogs.

Ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, Mrs. Kotter, see, that's not what

they want me or need me for.

See, Vinnie, Vinnie needs me

so that he could feel important, you know?

And-and-and Juan needs me so that he can feel strong.

And-and-and Freddie needs me...

...I don't know why Freddie needs me.

But you never know when he might need me.

Hey, Mrs. Kotter, do you think it's unmanly to cry?

Oh, no, Arnold, of course not.

[crying]

Am I crazy?

Or do I see Arnold Horshack nestled to my wife's bosom?

Aah!

Do not get the wrong idea, Mr. Kotter.

This is not one of them kinky scenes.

Uh, Julie, I know that you was trying to keep warm.

But this is absolutely ridiculous.

- The heat's on. - Ooh, good.

Excuse me, Arnold, I'm gonna go sit on the radiator.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Okay, Mr. Kinky, what's up?

Oh, I-I just come by to tell ya

how great things is going for me.

I sure am one happy symbol of good teaching. Ha ha.

Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, ha ha.

Oh, by the way, Mrs. Kotter, that thing we was talking about.

If you do not help me, I'm gonna throw myself off

of the highest mountain in Brooklyn.

And when they find me...

...if they find me...

...they'll never know... who I was.

John Doe Horshack.

A Slovak legend in his own time.

Call it a sixth sense, Julie

but I get the feeling that something is bugging him.

What?

Something is bugging him?

The poor kid is miserable

and he is not gonna learn anything

in that new class if he doesn't wanna be there.

You're right. Let me put it up. Just halfway--

What are you doing?

Halfway, compromise? Alright. You're right. I was wrong.

Horshack only started to do good because he felt he belonged.

How ya doin'?

- What's happening? - Hi, there.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna put a door on my window.

That way, you'll come through the door.

You know somethin'? It's cold in here.

Yeah, you could freeze off your fandangos.

Okay, look, Mr. Kotter, we come on a mission of mercy.

Yeah, man, we wanna know if we can stop

bein' mean to Horshack yet.

Yeah, I was thinking about that.

I was wrong.

You guys were right.

Horshack definitely belongs with the Sweathogs.

Alright! Yeah.

I'll go talk to Mr. Woodman, I'll explain the entire thing

to him rationally and I'm sure he'll understand.

Hey, hey, Mr. Kotter, now you don't believe that now, do you?

I mean, why don't we, sort of, con Mr. Woodman

to givin' us Horshack back?

- You wanna con him? - Yeah.

What you gonna do? Trap him in a motel room with a cheerleader?

Well, you know, we mean like the way you con us in class.

You know, the way you dramatize

to-to sneak your point across, I know.

Yeah, yeah, you see, we thought we'd put on a little play

for old Woodman, you know?

Sorta convince him to see things our way.

- Yeah. - Mmm-hmm.

Right this way, Mr. First Nighter.

Front row center, Mr. First Nighter.

For your comfort, uh, Mr. First Nighter.

What do you people think you're doing?

This, Mr. Woodman is a dramatization, a little play.

Just pretend you're spending an evening at the theatre.

I hate the theatre, Kotter.

Last time I went to a play, they robbed my house.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Presenting the little Sweathogs in "Come Back, Little Arnold."

[Vernajean] Take one.

Boy, ahem, without Horshack's calming

influence I really feel mean.

[grunting]

And I think I'll go out and bite a tree.

O-o-o-ow!

Oh-oh-oh.

[Jamaican accent] Woe is me, begarra. Where is Horshack?

The little chap who adds a note of laughter to me life.

Look, here comes Horshack now.

[imitating Arnold] Hello.

How are you?

I'm Arnold Horshack.

[wheezy laughter]

Horshack, you have returned.

Our life had lost all meaning without our little friend

Horshack, to lend a helping hand.

[both] Here, Vinnie, here's my helping hand.

[both laughing wheezily]

[both] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

[both] Oh!

I don't got no moustache.

Mr. Woodman, what is going on here, please?

Don't ask me, I'm Mr. First Nighter.

Arnold, we were acting.

Actually, we were overacting.

But we're just trying to show Mr. Woodman

how much we care about you.

Do you guys really mean that?

Hey, look, Horshack, you know, we kid around a lot, right?

But we really missed you.

Yeah, you know, I never really thought I would miss you but...

...I don't know, you sorta grow on a guy...

...like mold.

Oh, thank you, Freddie.

Hey, I miss you guys so much.

I am truly gratified to learn that you miss me too.

Oh, Mr. Woodman, look at me.

Look at both of me.

Look at the look on my faces.

Oh, please, Mr. Woodman, give us a break.

Lest you forget, we are a symbol of good teaching.

Yes, and someday, they're gonna name a wing

here at Buchanan after us.

They'll call it the Horshack Wing.

[clucking]

[all clucking]

Stop that flapping!

You're making a draft.

I can't let you back in this classroom.

How will you keep your grades up?

I'll help him.

Mr. Woodman, if Arnold learned anything to get ahead

he learned it in this classroom.

You wanna know why? I'll tell you why.

Because for someone to learn, they gotta feel secure.

They have to feel like they belong.

Alright, Horshack, get back where ya belong.

With Kotter's bunch.

[all cheering]

Oh, I thank you all very much.

You know, in my other class, every time I made a joke

the teacher said, "School is not a laughing matter."

And I said, "Oh, yeah, you should try Mr. Kotter's class."

Welcome back, Horshack.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back... ♪♪

Hey, did I tell you about the present my Cousin Howard

gave my Aunt Bernice for her birthday?

No, why don't you tell me about it.

Well you know, they're very rich and my Aunt Bernice

has everything, right?

So he figured he'd get somethin' different.

He went to a pet store and he got my Aunt Bernice

a parrot that speaks seven languages.

You know, he goes in the parrot's there going...

[imitating parrot]

Sprechen sie deutsche?

Parlez vous France?

- Terrific parrot. - Alright.

- Okay. - Aunt Bernice like it?

Well, he came back the next day and that's what he said to her

he said, "Aunt Bernice, do you like the parrot?"

She said, "Oh, that parrot was delicious."

He said, "You ate that parrot?

"That parrot costs $5000

and spoke seven different languages."

Well, what did she say?

It should've said something.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out... ♪♪

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪