Original subtitles

Hey, Julie, did I tell about the time a teacher asked me

who signed The Declaration of Independence?

- No, why don't you tell me? - Okay. I'm in school.

The teacher says, "Kotter stand-up," I stand up, she says

"Who signed the declaration of independence?"

- What did you say? - I said...

...I don't know.

But I know, I didn't sign it.

She says "Go home and bring your father to school the next day."

Okay. Then what happened?

I had to bring him to school the next day.

She said, "Mr. Kotter, watch this.

Gabe, stand up." I stood up.

She said "Who signed The Declaration of Independence?"

I said, "I don't know, but I know I didn't sign it."

She looks at my father, she says, "Did you see that?"

Well, what did your father say?

My father said "If he says he didn't sign it

he didn't sign it."

[male narrator] Welcome Back, Kotter is recorded live

before a studio audience.

[John Sebastian singing "Welcome back, Kotter"]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

Okay, A

"The Berber Tribes were Orientals."

B, "The Berber Tribes moved across the polar ice caps

and became the first Eskimos."

So it follows that C

"Orientals were the first Eskimos."

Well, I guess them igloos are really made out of white rice.

[laughing]

Hey, you know, it must be real murder trying to eat whale

with chop sticks, you know what I mean?

Ah!

[laughing]

Alright, come on, ethnic jokes like that aren't funny.

They show a lack of intelligence.

Then let us hear one of your jokes.

Okay, did you hear about the 500 pound parrot?

He says, "Polly wants a cracker now."

Do you call that teaching, Kotter?

No, I call it a joke.

You see, he's a 500 pound parrot.

He says, "Polly wants a cracker now."

Spare me, Kotter, I just came by to tell you

you're getting a new student.

- New Sweathog? - That's right. From California.

Out there, they're all Sweathogs.

The only difference is the sun tan.

Where is this new, uh, Sweathog of mine?

She's on her way here.

She was just in the nurses office

getting shots.

I wouldn't let a child in this environment without them.

[all] Ooh-h-h!

[cheering]

Wo-o-o-w.

Haven't you ever seen a girl before?

Not that kind.

What am I supposed to be? Neck bones and gravy?

Make sure that these sweathogs behave.

At the end of the day I'm having her dusted

for fingerprints.

- Hello. - Hi.

- What's your first name? - It's Bambi.

But, uh, my friends call me Sunshine.

Well, uh, let the sunshine in, darlin'.

Uh, what part of California do you come from?

The beach.

Hi... I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

Head Sweathog here.

How do you think I'd go over on the beach?

Oh, you'd be great.

You should have your own religion.

Oh, yeah.

Freddie Washington.

Hi, there.

Frederico "Boom-Boom" at your service.

Hey, Boom Boom...

...it's gonna be difficult for you to kiss anybody's hand

with your lip broken.

That's alright. That's alright.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh.

We'll get to you, Arnold, I promise. We'll get to you.

That's Thomas, this is Ricky.

Larry, Robert, Joyce. This is Juan.

Hi, I'm Juan Epstein.

Didn't we live together in another life?

Oh-h-h.

Oh-h-h.

I would've remembered that.

Oh, he's magic.

Yeah, maybe one day he'll disappear.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

- Yes, I know. - Oh.

This is Arnold Horshack. This is Bambi.

Don't talk.

Just feel the vibes.

Oh-h-h.

I think I just felt one.

O-o-oh, wow.

He has an aura.

I got a aura!

Did you hear that, Mr. Kotter? I got a aura!

I got a aura!

What's a aura?

Bambi, why don't you sit over there?

So, tell me, what do you think of your new class mates?

They're nice.

But the guys in California are so open and groovy.

You know, Mr. Kotter

you remind me of this guy

I knew in California.

Who? Jim Nabors?

Wayne Newton, maybe.

Liberace?

Okay, before we were discussing the cultural differences

between the Eskimos and the Berbers.

Let's make that California...

...against good, old Brooklyn.

Uh, Bambi, why don't you start out by tellin' us

what your typical California day is like.

- Sure. - Go ahead.

Well, uh...

...I usually roll out of my waterbed at 8:00

to see if the surf's up.

And if it's warm and it's always warm.

I, uh, put on my bikini

and grab some organic raisins and nuts.

And, uh, go to the beach

where we swim and play volleyball.

[all] Us too, us too, yeah.

Okay, Bambi has told us about her typical California day.

She gets out of her waterbed, it's always warm

she puts on a bikini, she grabs some nuts

and she goes swimming.

Now, what are the differences?

Well, let's see now.

She sleeps on a waterbed...

...and I sleep with my brother.

Hey, man, me too.

I remember once...

...when I was real little...

...I slept in a waterbed.

[bell ringing]

Hey, look, let's me and you get together after school.

I'm gonna take you water-skiing on the East River.

- Manana. - Hey, manana.

Baby, Imma give you a guided tour uptown

that ain't in no guide books. Dig...

New York City. On five ribs a day.

[chuckles]

How would you like five broken ribs?

[indistinct chattering]

Hi, Bambi, can I help you with something?

Hmm, Mr. Kotter, uh, what's your sign?

Oh, wait-wait-wait, let me guess. Um... Taurus?

- No. - Libra?

- No. - Cancer.

- Wrong. - Capricorn.

- No, no, I'm Aquarius. - I just knew it.

I was born on a cusp.

Must have been very painful.

Oh, you're so funny and together, Mr. Kotter.

I mean, your karma is really heavy.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna go on a karma diet.

You remind me of my teacher in California.

He let me call him, uh, Jerry.

Okay, call me Jerry.

You know, um, Mr. Woodman said you oughta show me around.

And, uh, I have no plans after school.

Well, why don't you have one of the Sweathogs show you around?

Uh, they're not groovy like you

and besides you are so much more mature than those kids.

Um... well, Bambi, those kids are very mature.

I think, you're makin' a mistake.

Take Arnold Horshack for instance.

Once you get past that Roy Rogers lunch box

he's all man.

I get such good vibes from you.

Oh, these? Well, uh, I mean, I don't really have good vibes.

In fact, when I was young my mother

had to put braces on my vibes.

My wife, she calls me Barry "Bad Vibes."

- You're married? - Yes, I'm married. I'm married.

How many times?

- Just once. - Oh, how boring.

My father's been married five times.

So, uh, well, what are doing after school?

I'm gonna just finish erasing the black board with my sweater.

♪ Welcome back... ♪

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

Anything interesting happened today?

- No, not much. - You're sure?

- Sure, I'm sure. - Good.

I knew I had nothing to worry about.

- Why? - Oh, nothing.

Just some girl named Sunshine called four times.

Wanted to know if you could go skinny dipping with her.

You've anything to say for yourself?

Yes.

Can I go?

Julie, Sunshine is this new student of mine from California.

She's been really comin' on, ya know, school girl crush?

She's a real teenybopper.

Tell me, just how teeny is this bopper?

She's, uh, I would say, your average bopper.

Mm-hm?

Look she's really got a terrific shape and, uh

all the kids in class're climbing over each other

to get next to her and, uh

she's climbing over them to get next to me.

Oh... well, all that climbing should get her somewhere.

Julie, I told I was married.

[laughs] And that stopped her?

- No. - No.

She likes a man with a little experience.

Anybody who doesn't have a picture of trigger

on his lunch box.

Julie, it's just an adolescent flirtation.

[sighs]

Okay.

Why don't you just explain to her

that you are too old for her?

Use the old Kotter charm.

Nothing else, she'll get a good laugh out of it.

I think you're right. I'll go up to her tomorrow, I'll say

"Look, I'm too old for you."

"And we can't run away together. Just won't work out."

I think she'll understand. I'll really explain it to her.

And if she doesn't, I promise I'll write.

[chanting]

Hi, Gabsy.

Well, I see a little sunshine has crept

into your life, Epstein.

- What are you doing? - Chanting.

Bambi says that if I chant, I can get whatever I want.

Bambi, Bambi, Bambi, Bambi, Bambi, Bambi.

♪ Hurray for Hollywood ♪

♪ La la la la la la la Hollywood ♪♪

Hello, little girl.

Wanna make a movie?

[wheezy laughter]

Uh, Harry Hollywood, would you mind leaving Sunset and Vine

and going back to your seat?

I mean, we're about to start class.

Ready anytime you say, C.B.

Listen, we'll have lunch someday...

...chicky baby.

♪ I don't care what the white man say ♪

♪ Santa Claus was a black man ♪

♪ I don't care what the white man say ♪

♪ Santa Claus was a black man ♪♪

Alright, Freddie, what's your trip?

No trip. Just good health nature's way.

A natural life of raisins, seeds, carrots.

I got the kola nut.

With a side order of ribs, chitlin and potato salad.

Ham hocks and collard greens.

And I'll wash it down with some Kool-Aid.

I don't live to be a hundred.

Terrific, you'll still be in the 11th grade.

♪ I don't care what the white man say ♪

♪ Santa Claus is a black man ♪

♪ I'm singing ba-ba-ba-ba-Barbarino ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-Barbarino ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-Barbarino ♪

♪ You got me rockin' and a-reelin' ♪

♪ And a-bobbin' and a-weelin' Barbarino ♪

♪ You got me rockin' and a-reelin' ♪

♪ And a-bobbin' and a-wheelin' Barbarino ♪

♪ You got me rockin You got me reelin' ♪

♪ Barbarino yeah-yeah ♪♪

How do you like my song?

It's got a good beat but you can't dance to it.

I'll give it a 35.

[bell ringing]

Sit down.

Alright, show-and-tell is over, come on.

Everybody, get in. Let's get to work.

Epstein, why don't you, uh, float back into your chair?

[Kotter] Alright, now.

Yesterday, Bambi said she liked guys from California.

And today you're all Troy Donahue.

Can we start working on social studies?

Anything you say, Gabsy.

Alright, look, don't call me Gabsy.

Oh, you're right. It doesn't fit you at all.

I'm gonna call you, Captain Cosmic.

On second thought, call me Gabsy.

You know, when I'm with you I feel...

...all spacey and far out weird.

You know, when I'm with you, I feel

all far out spacey and weird, Gabsy.

[laughing]

Sit down, Bambi.

Alright, Juansy.

- Let's get to work, okay? - Right you are, Gabsy.

[laughing]

Alright, come on. That's it.

Oh, Gabsy.

You're so cute when you're angry.

Isn't he cute?

[indistinct chattering]

Stop it. Stop it!

Bambi, come outside with me for a minute.

Dynamite!

[all hooting] Wooh!

Hey, uh, um, um, Gabsy, Gabsy.

You better take some vitamin-E 'cause you're not as young

as you used to be.

Bambi, I want this nonsense stopped right now.

What nonsense, Gabsy?

Look, don't call me Gabsy. I'm your teacher.

My name is Mr. Kotter.

You don't have to get all huffy.

I thought you, uh... liked me.

Stop. Get back. Back. Back.

Sit down over there.

Bambi, I went to the administration office

this morning and I got your records.

Seems that you're not from California at all.

You're originally form Lubbock, Texas.

And you cause trouble wherever you go.

Went to school in Wyoming.

You alone, caused a small scale range war

between the cattlemen and the sheepmen.

Oh, Mr. Kotter, there are a lot of things my records don't say.

Like what?

Like along with 11 schools came

about 11 different relatives

I got shuffled around to.

And then there were also a lot of foster homes.

Nobody ever cared.

Especially my mother, who couldn't wait

to get rid of me.

Alright. Look, I understand, it hasn't been easy.

What I'm just trying to tell ya is

you don't have to put on this big act

to be liked.

I'm only giving 'em what they want, Gabsy.

It's not what they want. It's not what anybody wants.

Bambi, that's not the way to make friends.

You have all these guys bananas over you.

What's gonna happen in 10 years when you're not 16 anymore?

Or in 20 years, when you're 36, 40?

You're not so cute anymore, the friends you're making now

are not the kind of friends that last.

While you're swallowing, try to think about what I said.

Alright. I thought about it.

Hi, boys.

Could you get little, ol' me my pencil? I forgot it.

[all] I got it.

I got it! I got it! I got it!

Freeze. Freeze.

Look at them, Bambi, huh.

Not a pretty picture, is it?

Get out of my desk. Come on, sit down. Sit down.

You're gonna clean all this up.

Sit down, Epstein.

Alright, Bambi, it's your decision to make.

You wanna cause chaos wherever you go?

Or do you wanna make real friends?

Uh... look...

...I-I've been doing a number on all of you and, um

I'd like to apologize for that.

I... lied.

I'm not from California.

I'm not from anywhere.

I just wanted you all to like me and, um...

I guess I just started trouble again.

I'm sorry.

Hey, look.

It's not all your fault.

You see, sometimes women have to do dumb things

especially when men start acting like idiots.

Well, I ain't gonna be eating no more

of these organic raisins.

They go right through you.

Better take this towel back to my gym locker.

Second thought, I better take it home and get it washed.

What am I doing with a surfboard in Brooklyn?

I mean, I could've got a terrific tie

that glows in the dark and said Italian power.

Bambi.

Does this mean I don't got no aura no more?

No, Arnold. You still have your aura.

And it's beautiful.

Maybe your aura can glow in the dark like Vinnie's tie.

Everybody, attention please.

We've a new student I'd like to introduce you to

from Lubbock, Texas.

Uh, hello.

My name is Bambi Forrester and, uh

I hope we can all be friends.

[indistinct chattering]

Well, now that we got that out of the way

what do you say, we get to social studies?

[giggling] You're so funny, Mr. Kotter.

I just love, W.C. Fields.

♪ Welcome back... ♪♪

[theme music]

Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Herby?

No.

But you probably will.

Okay, my Uncle Herby likes to drink a lot, right?

He comes home one night and my Aunt Estelle

thinks she's gonna teach him a lesson.

She runs into the closet, puts on a sheet

and starts running around the bedroom and says

"You better stop drinking, you better stop drinking."

"Oh boy, you better stop drinking."

He says, "Who're you?"

She says, "I'm the devil, you better stop drinking."

"Shake hands. I married your sister."

♪ Welcome back... ♪♪

[John Sebastian singing "Welcome back, Kotter"]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪♪