Original subtitles

A lady buys a monkey.

- What kinda monkey? - A regular monkey, you know.

[mimicking a monkey]

Now, her husband hates the monkey

because the monkey's always mimicking her husband.

Okay, husband's eating breakfast, right?

- Uh-huh. - Monkey goes...

[mimicking a monkey]

He's takin' a shower, the monkey comes inside and goes...

[mimicking a monkey]

- Drivin' the guy crazy. - So, what does he do?

Well, he's in the bathroom and he's

brushin' his teeth and gets an idea.

He's brushin' his teeth. Monkey comes in and goes...

[mimicking a monkey]

So he gives the monkey a razor.

He takes a razor without a blade.

Puts lather on his face, right?

Starts shavin' and goes, "Da-dam."

The monkey goes, "Da-dam."

He goes, "Da-dam." The monkey goes, "Da-dam."

- He goes, "Da-dam!" - The monkey goes, "Da-dam."

[male narrator] "Welcome Back, Kotter" is being recorded live on tape

before studio audience.

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

Good morning.

Well, as you're probably aware, today is the day

when you receive your mid-year report cards.

For my favorite teacher.

Ugh.

Half-eaten.

What'd you do? You got hungry on the way to school?

Nah, um... I found it that way.

Hey, I'm only kiddin', man.

Hey, but remember

it's the thought that counts.

Okay, now before I hand these out

I wanna explain that it's still not

too late for you to improve your grade.

- So, remember-- - Mr. Kotter.

I got a very important note from home, here.

Well, a surprise.

Epstein has a very important note from home.

Right, it's from my mother's doctor.

It's from his mother's doctor.

"Dear Mr. Kotter

"Epstein's mother has been very ill with a...

"...heart condition.

"And furthermore, the slightest shock to her

"like for instance, her son Juan

"gettin' any bad grades

well, that could put her right over the edge."

So, it continues...

"Please good Juan a good grade in English."

- What? - A good grade in English.

Oh, that's impossible. This isn't English class.

Try that from there. It's, uh...

- Biology. - Biology?

Biology.

Uh-h-h...

- Social studies. - Social studies.

Right.

And it's signed "Very truly yours

Epstein's mother's doctor."

Sit down, Epstein.

Sit down.

Anybody else have any excuses?

Anybody wanna make any appeals?

Anybody expecting a phone call from the governor?

Oh! Oh, oh!

[Mr. Kotter] Arnold.

Not I, Mr. Kotter.

I got dignity.

I would never beg for a grade.

Very good, Arnold.

Oh, please don't fail me!

I'll do anything you want.

I'll wash your car for the next seven years.

I'll trim your mustache.

But please don't fail me.

Arnold, you are drooling on my pants

and they're not drip dry.

Sit down, Arnold!

Well...

Okay, now, if any of you would like to talk to me

about your grade

or possibly how to improve it...

...any of you would like to know how to

make an F into a B...

...you can see me right after homeroom.

[bell ringing]

Thanks, Mr. Kotter.

You just killed my mother.

[laughing]

Arnold!

Huh?

What is so funny about your report card?

Nothing, Mr. Kotter.

It's just that I thought that my report card was bad

until I got a look at Vinnie's.

[laughing continues]

Mr. Kotter.

How can I take this report card home and show it to my mother?

That woman is a saint.

I remember, your mother the saint.

You gonna be upset, huh?

You probably got no idea what it feels like

to get hit with beads.

Vinnie.

Do you think that I enjoy failing you?

Yeah. That's how you teachers get your jollies.

Well, I don't.

But I'm not gonna pass you unless you earn it.

Look, it wouldn't be fair to you.

Suppose all your teachers just passed you along

and you didn't learn anything

what do you think you'd wind up being?

A high school graduate.

Okay, you tell me. What grade should I give you?

- Yeah? - Yeah, you tell me.

Oh.

Yeah?

I want you to give me an A.

You want an A, huh?

Okay, you ready? Here it comes.

A!

That's not the kinda A I got in mind.

Well, it's the only kinda A you're gonna get.

Vinnie, you shouldn't be failing.

You're a kid with brains.

Look, man, if you don't get it together

you're gonna get left back.

Now how would your mother like that?

Oh, no, she wouldn't like that.

Vinnie, I wanna help you. I just don't know what to do.

Hey, how about if I got you a tutor?

Somebody to work with you after school.

Hey, believe me, it's not gonna be that bad.

[sighs]

Alright.

But is there any way we could do this without books?

Hi, Mr. Kotter.

Hiya, Judy.

- Let me have your books? - Thanks.

I think it's terrific that you offered to

tutor Vinnie after school.

It's okay, Mr. Kotter.

A lotta kids in the academically enriched class do it.

You know, it seems to work better when kids help kids.

So listen, princess

thanks for walkin' me to class.

I'll meet you later at the usual place.

Behind the billboards on 84th Street.

So... you're gonna be my tutor, huh, Judy?

Well, start tutin'.

I wanna get outta here, have a good time.

Let's get one thing straight, Barbarino.

I'm not doin' this 'cause I like you.

Well, I see you two are gettin' along just fine.

And I have some papers to grade, so I'm gonna leave you alone.

Have fun.

Hey, Vinnie, where you goin'?

He said, "Have fun."

I'm gonna meet princess behind the billboard on 84th Street.

No, no, no. You're gonna get tutored.

I'm gonna go meet princess behind the billboard

on 84th Street.

Alright, since this is your first session

I think I should stay for a while.

Alright, now, open up your social studies book to Page 27.

What?

Your social studies book.

Where?

Right in front of you!

Eh, don't rush me!

This ain't easy for me, you know.

I never opened a book before.

Alright, Vinnie, now, look. Are you gonna cooperate or what?

It's okay, Mr. Kotter. I can handle it.

Listen, clown

either you open up that book or I'm gonna make you eat it!

And the pages you don't eat I'm gonna stick in your ear.

[laughing]

I don't think she knows who she's dealin' with.

I'm the best ranker at Buchanan.

You think you're so smart.

You act as if you were first on line

when they handed out brains.

Yeah, I was.

But you had to hold the door for everybody else.

[laughing]

She's askin' for it, Kotter.

You know, Vinnie, you're so low

you could crawl under a pregnant ant.

That's a good one, Vinnie.

Oh, yeah?

Well, listen, blimpo

you better watch yourself

or I'll let the air outta your dress.

Eh, I heard the last time you went to Coney Island

you was wearing a white bathing suit.

And everybody was sayin'

"Eh, there goes Moby Dick."

That was a good one, Judy. Okay, that's enough.

Hey, Vinnie, I heard your father just got as new job...

...riding shotgun on a garbage truck.

- Oh, yeah? I bet your family-- - Oh, my family--

Alright, alright, that's enough. That's eno-o-ough!

Now sit down!

This is a tutoring session.

Not a ranking session.

- What's wrong with this? - Yeah, what's the matter?

What's the matter is there's a time and a place for everything.

You shouldn't do things like that in school.

It's not right. I mean...

Suppose I came in and started doin' it to you?

I mean, suppose I said, uh...

Hey, Judy, I understand there's three kids

in your family. One of each.

[Vinnie laughing]

Barbarino, I understand

when you was born they took one look at your face

and then they turned you over and said, "Hey, look, twins."

[Judy laughing]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪♪

[bell ringing]

So, look.

After homeroom, I'll meet you.

And then I'll walk you to next class, okay?

Sure.

Okay.

- See you later. - Bye.

[gagging]

[laughing]

You and Judy Borden!

You and Judy Borden!

Me and Judy Borden, what?

You and Judy Borden...

[laughing]

...anything.

[laughing]

Alright, cut it!

[chokes]

She was just helpin' me with my grades.

- Oh. - Come on.

Is that all she's helpin' you with, huh?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then why you've been walkin' her to class?

Or should I say... rollin' her?

[laughing]

Okay! Come on, let's go.

Sit down.

I want you to take out your report cards

which should've been signed by your parents.

I'm coming around to collect them.

Thank...

Vinnie, this report card's soggy?

My mother cried on it.

Thank you.

- Why isn't this signed? - Huh?

I mean, your mother didn't finish signing it.

- All she signed, "Mrs. E." - Huh.

Well, that's as far as she got before losin' consciousness.

Well, try reviving' her and having her

finish signing it by tomorrow.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

- Thank you, Arnold. - You're welcome.

Report card?

Hi there.

- Hi there, buddy. - Hey, baby.

Where's your report card?

My report... you see, I don't happen to have it

right here handy.

Oh, I didn't mean it as a question. Then where is it?

Oh, uh, well, uh... my momma's got it, you dig?

- Yeah. - Yeah, I dig it.

- Didn't she sign it? - Sign... No.

She just... took it in her left hand and...

...then she hit me upside my head with her right.

See, man, and then, and then she threw a chair at me.

And then she tried to cave my back in with a TV set!

Alright, alright. Have your father sign it.

You crazy? He's the one with the bad temper.

I want that report card tomorrow, Freddie.

- Alright. - You know...

You people act like you're not the only

one's who've had to take a bad report card home

and show it to your parents.

Let me tell you something', I had a lot of bad ones in my day.

Yeah? What did your daddy do?

My daddy used to sit me down and say

"So listen, you got a bad report card, big deal.

"No one's gonna holler. We're not gonna scream.

"No one's gonna hit you.

"Just go back to school and you try to do the best you can.

"And next time if you should pass

well, then we'll untie you and let you eat again."

[bell ringing]

Tomorrow, Freddie. Epstein, tomorrow.

- Manana. - Manana.

- Manana! - Manana.

Grand seein' you again, Mr. Kotter.

- Hi, Mr. Kotter. - Hiya, Judy.

- Hi. - Hi.

Let's go.

Hold on a second, Judy.

I got something I wanna tell you.

Uh, what?

Look...

...I can't walk you to class no more.

Why not?

Well, you see...

...I got a certain image to uphold, right?

And like, if I was always

walkin' you to class all the time

well, like, my friends

like, they might get the wrong idea or somethin'.

What wrong idea, Vinnie?

Oh, you know. Like...

Like we was goin' together or somethin'.

[Judy] Oh.

And you wouldn't want your friends to think that

someone like you could ever possibly go with

someone like me.

Right! Right.

Oh, I'm so glad you're being so reasonable about this.

Oh, but look, like you can still keep tutorin' me and stuff.

- That'd be good. - Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.

And you can go over to the Texaco station

and go sit on an air hose!

What's wrong with her?

She made the same mistake I did. To try to help you.

She thought there was somebody worth helping

inside that dopey leather jacket.

Look, I like Judy.

Oh, sure, you liked her

until you decided she wasn't cute enough

to hang around with Steve Stunning.

Vinnie, this whole thing started because

I didn't want you to fail social studies.

I'll tell ya, you're failin' something a lot more

important than social studies.

You're failing life. So take Judy's advice.

Go sit on an air hose.

Now you made me feel bad.

Hi, Judy. Mind if I sit down?

Oh, get lost, pea-brain!

Thanks. Don't mind if I do.

Are you sure you can risk being seen here with me?

Uh, look, Judy.

What I said in the classroom before

it didn't come out like I meant it.

I mean, I like you, and I really--

Oh, why don't you go over to the Brooklyn Bridge

take a sharp left, and don't stop walkin'

till your hat floats?

Listen...

...you're not makin' this any easier.

- I'm tryin' to apologize? - For what?

Bein' a reject?

Oh, that's not your fault.

You were probably born that way.

Oh, you got a mouth on you.

Give me a break.

Look, what I wanted...

Ju...

Look, Judy.

What I'm tryin' to say

is would you wanna go out some place with me?

In public?

Let me get this straight.

Are you askin' me to go out with you, Vinnie?

Yeah.

Would you go out with me?

Probably not.

Oh, no. No.

You can't do that.

I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

Oh, yeah?

Well, drop dead, pizza-head!

Well, uh, things didn't go

exactly as planned, huh, Pizza-head?

I don't believe it. She turned me down.

Girls don't turn down Vinnie Barbarino.

Specially ones who ain't as cute as me.

Alright, she's as cute as me.

But just barely.

Look, Vinnie. Now you know how Judy felt.

Rejected.

Doesn't feel so hot, does it?

Hey, if you really want her to go out with you

you'll keep tryin'.

What do you know?

What do I know?

Hey, when I went to school here

there was this girl, Dolores del Veccio.

I asked her to go out with me 15 times.

Fourteen times she turned me down.

Well, then did she finally go out with you?

No.

15th time her brother Vito

came up to me and said

"Hey, Kotter, if you continue to annoy my sister, Dolores

"I will have to re-arrange your nose

so that it permanently points towards Philadelphia."

[bell ringing]

God bless 3 o'clock.

[all cheering]

Alright, right here.

Hey, I cannot wait to get to Coney Island this afternoon.

They got a great new attraction.

Half man, half alligator.

He's his own wallet.

[laughing]

Hey, let's go.

Hey, let's go.

Hey, let's go.

Hey, what's happenin'?

We're goin' to Coney Island.

Terrific, we'll come along.

Eh, is she goin' as your date or... one of the rides?

[laughing]

Washington, why don't you fold it

in three corners and stick it--

Judy, take it easy.

She's goin' as my date. Anything wrong with that?

It's cool.

You and her? Her and you?

[laughing]

Horshack.

Very attractive couple you two make.

Nice to see again, Arnold.

Come on, let's go, have a good time.

- Alright. - Alright.

Okay, see you guys tomorrow. Vinnie, can I see you a second?

Come on, man.

I'm really proud of you.

You learned something a lot more important than social studies.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, wanna come along?

No.

I gotta go home and tell my wife a joke.

♪ Welcome back your dreams were ♪♪

Hey did I ever tell you about my cousin, gorgeous Jerry Kotter?

No.

Last week he's in a barbershop

gettin' a shave, shoeshine, manicure. You know...

He really likes to look nice. Right?

So this guy is shaving him and he looks at the girl

who's givin' him a manicure. She's really nice.

So he says, "Hey, uh... I'm gorgeous Jerry Kotter.

Would you like to come out with me tonight?"

She says, "I think I would, but I can't. I have a boyfriend."

He says "Why don't you tell your boyfriend

you're goin' out with the girls?"

She says, "Why don't you tell him? He's shaving you."

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪♪

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪♪