Original subtitles

No. But I have a feeling I'm gonna hear all about it.

Yes, 'cause I know that you really want to, deep inside.

She's taking driving lessons the instructor

is sitting on his side right?

First of all, she's puts her hand out the window like this.

Then she goes like this. And then she goes like this.

Why did she do that?

That's just what the instructor said!

"Lucile, why did you do that?"

She said, "Well first, I was gonna turn left.

"Then I decided to make a right turn.

Then I decided not to turn, so I erased the whole thing."

[male narrator] "Welcome Back Kotter" is recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place ♪

♪ That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

Okay, yeah.

I'll tell him as soon as he comes out, uh-hah.

Yeah, 6:00 will be fine.

I am looking forward to meeting you and Mary Francis too.

Okay, yeah, I'll see you later, buh-bye.

Honey, you will never guess who just called.

Sorry I don't have time. I'm late, Julie.

Come on, guess who's comin' to dinner?

Okay. What're you cooking?

My world famous tuna casserole.

It's nobody that we ever wanna see again.

That's very cute.

I'll give you a hint.

I can't wait to see old Gabby Gabe again.

Say that again.

I can't wait to see old Gabby Gabe again, come on.

- Lyle Flannigan is coming here? - You guessed.

- Boy, did he sound nice. - Of course he sounded nice.

Lyle Flannigan was the nicest boy

who ever went to Buchanan.

He's so nice, he would help old ladies cross their legs.

Gabe. You should be happy.

You haven't seen Lyle Flannigan in ten years.

Julie...

...did it ever occur to you that if you haven't

seen someone for ten years...

...chances are it's because you don't want to?

Now I find out that while I'm in the bathroom shaving

my wife, that's you

invites a Lyle Flannigan to dinner.

You're mad at me?

Julie, I'm not mad at you.

I just don't wanna have Lyle Flannigan over for dinner.

Well, what's wrong with Lyle Flannigan?

You wanna know what's wrong with Lyle Flannigan?

I'll tell you what's wrong with Lyle Flannigan.

There's nothing wrong with Lyle Flannigan.

That's what's wrong with Lyle Flannigan.

Lyle Flannigan is perfect.

You ever know a kid who went through school

without a pimple, a blemish?

I would even settle for a wort.

We were on the basketball team together.

Lyle Flannigan used to score 30 points a game

and he would never sweat.

I was second string, I used to sit on the bench and sweat.

The only person that was as bad as Lyle Flannigan

was that Miss Personality cheerleader he used to date uh...

If her name is Mary Francis

it's gonna be old home week around here tonight.

That figures.

I knew that those two were gonna get married.

They looked so nice they probably stood

on their own wedding cake.

Well, maybe they're not so nice anymore.

Julie, Lyle Flannigan is not a bad guy.

He's not mean, he's not hostile.

Throughout school, he always acted superior.

- And you wanna know somethin'? - What?

He was.

Well, what're you gonna do?

While I'm at school today

working with my students...

...move.

[bell ringing]

[Arnold laughing]

Alright, Arnold, get out here.

[laughing]

Pretty, clever, eh, Mr. Kotter?

I thought this up all by myself this morning.

Not today, alright, Arnold?

Someday we'll discuss the history of the whoopee cushion

and the dribble glass, but not today.

Alright, Sweathogs.

Another day, another dollar.

Let's get right to work.

[Kotter] Book reports.

Mr. Kotter, what does that mean?

"Another day, another dollar."

Well, Vinnie, in the case of teachers it comes very close

to being a financial statement.

Book reports.

Hey, Mr. Kotter.

Mr. Epstein.

Couldn't you get rich bein' a teacher?

Epstein, I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life.

[Juan] Uh-huh.

Unless I wanna buy something.

- Why? - Huh?

Oh, I was thinkin' about bein' a teacher, you know?

But if there's not enough bucks in it...

...why be a sap, huh?

[all laughing]

No, I think I'm gonna be a street sweeper.

It's says here, you know, uh...

...you can make 18,000 bucks a year.

- Where? - Right here.

- 18,000 bucks a year-- - Alright, look.

Don't bring papers into class.

That's in San Francisco.

That's where they have all those earthquakes.

They should get paid that much they gotta sweep

buildings up off the streets.

Alright, quit the stalling. Book reports.

One last question.

Okay, Freddie.

But make it simple and make it quick.

Mr. Kotter...

...what is...

...the meaning...

...of life?

[Chinese accent] Ah, sweathopper...

...you ask the meaning of life?

You must go to Epstein's gym locker.

Open it up.

Take one deep breath.

If you will survive that...

...you will survive anything.

Alright, let's go. Book reports.

I got one, master.

"Book report.

"The Arabian Nights...

"...Adventure,1942.

"Black and white.

Ahem!

"Two brothers

"Jon Hall and Leif Erickson

"fight over a throne

"Maria Montez

"Sabu

"Turhan Bey.

"90 minutes

Repeat."

How was the movie?

Oh, it was wonderful.

Sabu and the elephant lived happily ever after.

[Vinnie] Mr. Kotter, I got my book report.

[Kotter] Oh, another surprise.

"Trailer Park Cutie.

"By Miss M.

"An original nightstand classic.

"Monica knew

"that one man was too much.

"Yet, ten were not enough."

[students cheering]

That's enough, Vinnie.

"She awoke in the morning glistened--"

Alright.

I don't care about her glistenin'.

Next time you bring a book report in a plain brown wrapper.

[students cheering]

[Kotter] That's enough.

Enough.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother with you people at all.

Don't you like teaching us, Mr. Kotter?

I love teaching, Arnold.

Teaching is my chosen profession.

But there are days like today when all I am

is a straight man for Sweathogs.

I might as well have become a door to door salesman.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh!

[Kotter] Did you wanna say something, Arnold?

My Uncle Murray was a door to door salesman.

It finally drove him crazy.

Okay, Arnold. How come it drove him crazy?

He sold doors.

Every day he would go to a house and knock on one.

[knocking]

But he knew he wasn't gonna make a sale.

[laughing]

Hey, Mr. Kotter, what's buggin' you, huh?

- What's buggin' you? - You wanna know?

Okay, I'm gonna tell you what's buggin' me.

I have a bad case...

...of Lyle Flannigan.

When did you first notice that something was wrong

with your Flannigan?

[all laughing]

Lyle Flannigan is a person, Freddie.

We went to school here together.

Well, come on, Mr. Kotter, why don't you tell us about him?

There's nothing to tell. We went school together.

We were on the basketball team together.

Now I heard he's makin' a million dollars.

He's in a big office building with 18 secretaries

and I'm back here where I started.

Don't you find teaching

a rewarding experience, Mr. Kotter?

Aren't you happy with us?

Yeah, you didn't have to be a teacher, Mr. Kotter.

Mr. Kotter, you could've made yourself a whole lot of money.

That's right, Freddie, I could've.

I mean, I had plenty of opportunities.

Heather Weintraub's father wanted me

to go into the funeral biz.

- As Heather used to call it. - Well, why didn't you do it?

Because Heather looked like she modeled for the caskets.

You know, Mr. Kotter...

...I get the distinct impression that you are not happy.

Why shouldn't I be happy? So far it's been a terrific day.

First of all, I wake up late, second of all, my wife...

...cooks me orange juice for breakfast.

Then she invites somebody I haven't seen in ten years

who I don't want to see to dinner.

Then I come to school

and Arnold Horshack has me chasing a wallet down the hall.

[imitating Arnold laughing]

And after that nobody's done their book report.

Epstein was up till 2 o'clock in the morning with Sabu.

[imitating Epstein] "Maria Montez, repeat.

[Kotter] Barbarino did a book report too.

[imitating Barbarino] "Trailer Park Cutie" by Miss M.

"Monica knew that ten men were not enough.

But a 100 was too many."

And Freddie wants to know

why Mr. Kotter

ain't makin' $18,000 a year

like some street sweeper in San Francisco.

Now I got seven more classes I got to go through today.

Then I go to go home

and have tuna casserole, blah!

With Captain No Pimple and his wife

Sister Mary Pom-Pom!

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your... ♪♪

[Julie] Gabe.

I'm not here.

Aren't you gonna change?

They're gonna be here any minute.

Hey, look, I got a great idea.

[knock on door]

- They're here. - This is my idea.

Make a very thin sandwich and slide it under the door.

I can't do that.

Can we?

No!

It wouldn't be nice. Now we gotta be nice.

Lyle and Mary Francis are comin'

so we're gonna be nice, nice, nice.

Aah!

I'm a nice guy.

Gabe Kotter?

[laughing]

Mary Francis.

I didn't recognize you without your pom-poms.

Mary Francis, I'd love you to meet my wife.

This is Julie, Mary Francis.

So nice to meet you.

Gabe has told me so much about you and Lyle.

Lyle is still parking his car.

He is so fussy about that car of his.

I'd hate to tell you how much it costs.

Well, was there a lot of traffic?

Fourteen thousand five hundred dollars.

That's a lot of traffic.

- Let me take your coat, Mary. - Thank you.

Closet.

[laughing]

Isn't that cute?

[Mary laughing]

- Hello. - Ah.

I'm Lyle. And you must be Julie.

You're just as pretty as you sounded on the phone.

What a nice thing to say.

Thank you.

- That's my Lyle. - Gabe, you old son of a gun.

[laughing]

How you doin', Lyle?

Gabe, I don't mind tellin' you that I'm making a bundle.

A bundle.

You hear that, Julie?

Old Lyle here is in the bundle business.

- Let me make you a drink. - Great.

Lyle, Lyle, isn't it sweet that Gabe still lives

in the old neighborhood?

Oh, I remember what this neighborhood is like.

That's why I'm glad I found a spot in front of the building.

Gabe, that car of mine eats gas like a bus.

And I'd hate to tell you what I paid for it.

Fourteen thousand five hundred.

- You've got one too? - No, ha ha.

The city takes care of my bus.

They lock it up at night so they can paint over the graffiti.

It's a joke.

He means the bus-bus, Mary Francis.

Mary Francis.

Oh, Gabe was always funny, remember?

I mean, Gabe always had something to say.

That's why we called him "Gabby Gabe."

Didn't we, Gabby Gabe?

I have nothing to say.

[laughing]

Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.

Julie, do you know what I would love?

No.

A tour of the house, do you mind?

Whose house?

Oh, our house.

[Julie laughing]

This is it.

I'd be delighted to take you on a tour of the house.

Oh, thank you.

Let us start over here in our spacious dining room.

This is where visiting heads of state

have been known not to show up.

Two steps to the right and we're in our kitchen which

as you see is decorated in early munchkin.

Now over here, this is our spacious foyer.

Try to keep up with the tour, Mary Francis.

That's my den out there

which is decorated in early fire escape.

The third one to the right, you see the one over there

with the racing strips and the chrome?

That's our garbage can.

Which brings us back to our bedroom

which your husband Lyle is sitting on.

Why, it's the most quaint and charming little apartment

I've ever seen, isn't it, Ly-Ly?

I can't imagine what we're doing with five bedrooms.

I can't imagine what you guys would do in one bedroom.

I mean, you're so busy

I wouldn't think you had any time to sleep.

Do you have any children?

[laughing] No.

Mary Francis was always more willing to die

than do anything to mess up her hair.

[laughing]

Lyle.

Honey, did you send out for Sweathog delight?

No. We heard about your famous tuna casserole.

Yeah, we didn't want your dinner guests goin' hungry.

So we decided to bring some real food, you know?

A taste of the good life.

Fine food in a gracious setting.

Is that your car parked out there?

Yes. The black one? Yeah.

Well, you better get it outta here in a hurry, man.

There's a Puerto Rican family movin' in...

Ah... They're great kidders, Lyle.

Mr. Kotter, we may kid around a lot in class

we only do it 'cause we like you.

- Really. - Yeah.

And we don't wanna lose you, Mr. Kotter.

Yeah, we want you to see that you ain't gotta be...

...rich to live big.

Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

Where'd you guys get all this stuff?

Yeah, I mean, it looks like the UN cafeteria.

You see, we told our folks that you finally got tired of us

and wanted to quit teaching.

So, they sent this stuff over.

As a sort of gratitude

so that you'll know how much you meant to 'em.

- And us too. - Yeah.

My mom says to tell Mr. Kotter anybody who can

keep my Juan at school, deserves my specialty.

You see, it's a Puerto Rican Jewish dish.

It's called gefilte mo-fan-go.

[laughing]

[laughing]

[laughing]

She has the dumbest laugh I ever heard.

Are you really a rich person?

Well, yeah, I-I guess I'm well off.

We're rich, Lyle.

Hi, I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

Head Sweathog here.

You probably want to know more about me?

No.

Mary Francis. Mary Francis, these are the new Sweathogs.

Yeah, we're the new Sweathogs. What of it?

Lyle, to these kids being a Sweathog is a badge of honor.

You know, not everybody can be a Sweathog.

Hey, man. That's true, man.

Take my main man, Mr. Kotter here for example.

Ain't that right, brother?

Man, he was a Sweathog once.

Now, he don't wanna be no more Sweathog. No more.

Hey, Freddie, come on. Now that's not true.

Lyle, I was uncomfortable about you coming here and I told 'em.

I think that's what they're doing here.

They're my students, but they're also my friends.

I'm a Sweathog and I guess I'm always gonna be one.

You don't make a lot of money

but you meet an interesting class of people.

So, you and Mary Francis are welcome to stay

but if you don't wanna be around Sweathog--

Wait a minute, Gabe.

Uh, let me tell you something.

I know that you never really liked me very much.

- And-- - Well, that's not true.

No, it is true. I knew it all along.

But you let me hang around, and for that I was grateful.

Yeah, why did you wanna hang around with me?

Envy. That's it.

I-I'm still envious of you.

Oh, Ly-Ly.

[laughing]

You're riding around in a $14,000 car and you envy me?

- That's right. - Why?

Gabe, you don't know how much you've got with your students.

I mean, what do I have?

What I'm saying is, it's not so nice... being nice.

It's boring being nice.

Gabe, all through school, I wanted to be a Sweathog.

But dirt never stuck to me.

I was too perfect.

It's lovely being perfect.

It's boring being perfect.

It's boring being rich. I have five boring bedrooms.

Am I included in those five boring bedrooms?

Mary Francis, no one has a headache for seven years.

Lyle, what are you saying?

Well, I think that sounds like Sweathog talk to me.

Yeah? You really think so?

Well, don't take my word for it.

Ask the experts.

Well, that was sort of like a rank, you know?

I think I'd give him a "A" for effort.

And a "C" for the execution.

Well, he's real white bread, you know but, uh...

...okay.

Congratulations, Mr. Flannigan.

Well, I guess that's it. You're an honorary Sweathog.

Thank you. You made me feel as rich as you.

Gabe, you are. You're richer.

And you're not in trouble with the Internal Revenue.

[laughing]

That was a good one, Mary Francis.

What? What was?

The rank. You just ranked Lyle.

Congratulations, Mrs. Flannigan.

[both laughing]

How do you feel, Mary Francis? Now you're a Sweathog too.

Lyle...

...up your nose with a rubber hose.

Oh.

I just lost my headache.

Hey, alright, we're all even.

Come on, everybody, there's lot of food. Let's eat, alright?

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

- Little Italian man, right? - Right.

Wants a barbecue his whole life.

- A barbecue. - He likes to cook out, right.

He finally buys a barbecue.

He's so happy, he's in the backyard.

He's cookin' a couple of steaks and he's singin'

[singing in a foreign language]

His uncle walks by and goes

"Hey, listen, you got a terrific voice.

But your monkey's on fire."

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪♪