Original subtitles

It's too bad you went to sleep early last night.

Why? What'd you have in mind?

It was a terrific movie on the late show. Spy movie.

It was about this Israeli spy, has to deliver this microfilm to

a guy in the Lower East Side of New York. They give him a code.

He's gotta say, "The sky above, the mud below."

The other guy is supposed to say, "Okay, I'm your contact."

He gets to the Lower East Side of Lansing Street.

He looks in the directory, and there's two Burnsteins.

- What did he do? - He had this code message.

Figured he'd try the first floor and knocks on the door.

A little old man peeks through the keyhole and goes, "Huh!"

He goes, "Mr. Burnstein, the sky above, the mud below."

Little man looks at him and says, "You don't want me.

"You want Burnstein the spy on the second floor."

[male narrator] "Welcome Back, Kotter" is recorded live

before a studio audience.

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

All the black magic has been expelled.

And all the black magic that I weave so well.

- Good morning, Charlie. - Good morning, Gabe.

To the patron saint of science teachers.

[both] To Baron Von Frankenstein.

Oh!

Hey, Charlie, when you die, it's gonna take 'em nine days

to beat your liver to death.

When you hear my news, you're gonna wish you were dead.

You are being reviewed today.

So look like a teacher. Look miserable.

I'm sorry, I can't. I'm happy.

There's no time to be happy.

When Woodman comes in and looks at your class

tell the Sweathogs to shut up and study.

Charlie, I've been trying some experimental things in class

and they're really starting to pay off.

I mean, instead of them memorizing dates

I'm makin' them think for themselves.

For the first time, I feel like a teacher.

And I'm not gonna give that up just 'cause it's review day.

[bell ringing]

Well, let's hope Woodman is in a good mood.

Where's your class, Kotter? The bell just rang.

- Piper, get to your classroom! - Yes, sir.

If I weren't in a good mood, I'd have your jobs for this.

"If I weren't in a good mood, I'd have your jobs for this."

- "Piper, in your class." - Ha ha ha.

That's pretty good.

You're lucky he's in a good mood.

[humming]

[humming continues]

Come on, dance, Mr. Kotter.

- Get down. Ha ha. - Oh, yeah.

Okay. Now, all of you.

♪ Let's twist again ♪

♪ Like we did last summer ♪

♪ Let's twist again ♪♪

You're an oldie but a goodie, Mr. Kotter.

Let's get to work.

- Okay, let's move it. - Alright.

Mr. Kotter, we took the liberty to assume that we was gonna rap

like we was doin' yesterday. Alright?

You really got into that?

[students] Yeah.

Okay, come on. Everybody, get in a circle.

Let's go. Circle.

You know that the circle is the oldest form of education.

It goes back as far as history itself.

I want you to... Boy!

I want you to feel free

to talk about anything you wanna talk about.

Oh! Oh, oh! Oh!

[Kotter] Arnold, you want to say something?

Last night, on television, I saw "The Wizard Of Oz."

For the 14th time.

Okay, alright, alright.

What was "The Wizard Of Oz" about?

It was about two hours and 20 minutes including commercials.

Hey, no, it was a lotta made up junk

about a lotta dudes in animal suits.

Yeah, but they all represented people, Freddie.

Like the, uh, Scarecrow was lookin' for brains.

Like Horshack.

Come on!

Come on!

Yeah, an-an-and that man

in that old dumb garbage can suit.

He needed a heart.

- Like Epstein. - Right.

And a lion. He needed courage.

Alright, put 'em up. Come on, put 'em up.

I'll fight you with both hands behind my back, come on.

I'll fight you with an eraser in my ear.

Very impressive, Mr. Kotter.

Okay, the point of "The Wizard Of Oz"

was that they were all goin' for somethin' that they already had.

They just didn't realize it.

Boy, were they dumb!

Look, man, why are we goin' on about

old stupid kid movie, man? That ain't cool.

It's really important to you, Freddie, trying to be cool?

Hey, look, man, I don't have to try to be cool.

I am cool.

Hey, just turn down the lights. He'll heat up.

[all] Ooh!

Okay, alright. Now, it's alright to be cool.

But you gotta be a cool somethin'.

Okay.

I wanna build the tallest building in the world.

What're you gonna call it? Washington Heights?

Ha ha ha. No.

I think I'm gonna call it The Boom Boom Building.

Alright, Epstein, what do you wanna do?

I'm gonna be a typhoon.

A restaurant typhoon. You know?

Juan Epstein, caterer to the stars.

Puerto Rican, Jewish delicacies a specialty.

I know this is Epstein, the deep-fried mitzvah ball king.

What are you doin', Kotter?

Groucho.

Mr. Woodman, I'm trying somethin' new.

Watch. It'll be the high point of your day.

My day has no high points.

- What's going on here? - We're, uh, rapping.

Rapping? Rapping what, Kotter?

I'll just stand back here, uh, reviewing everything you do.

Okay, Barbarino, what kind of adult do you wanna be?

I can tell you the kind of adult I wanna be in two words.

Marlon Brando.

[all exclaiming]

Alright, alright, alright.

You wanna go to acting school, buddy?

No, I don't have to.

I'm gonna be discovered in a drug store.

[students laughing]

Wearin' a tight sweater?

Hey, let's do a scene for them. From "The Godfather."

- Alright. - You ready? Watch this.

- Oh, we've to sit through this? - We'll be right back.

Another magic moment in the theatre.

[imitating Marlon Brando]

Don Barbarino. I come to ask you a favor.

[imitating Marlon Brando] What?

A favor, Don Barbarino.

- Where? - Yeah, that was pretty good.

[coughing]

[all cheering]

This is all very interesting, Kotter

but don't you think it's time to start class?

Mr. Woodman, this is class.

Kotter, you're not using the textbook.

[groaning] Mr. Wood... man.

Mr. Woodman, in case you haven't noticed

we Sweathogs are forgotten people.

I mean, we don't get good books, we get this.

You're telling me that's a bad book?

It's the pits.

Pits? What pits? What does he mean by that, Kotter?

He means that it has no relevance to his life.

That it's outdated. Look at this.

"Soon the railroad would span the entire country.

"Texas is the largest of our 39 states."

Well, here's a good one. "They predict television."

Uh, you're joking, Kotter.

Okay, I'm jokin' about the railroad and, uh, Texas

but, look, it says they predict television.

They were right, weren't they? That doesn't make it a bad book.

Mr. Woodman, it's the pits.

What, what, what pits, Kotter?

Could I have a word with you in the hall, please?

Okay. Keep this discussion goin', I'll be right back.

[students] Good luck.

Mr. Woodman, look, I know my methods are a little unorthodox.

Unorthodox, Kotter? Try crazy. Try insane.

Try nutsy cuckoo.

You didn't like it.

Kotter, I used to teach social studies.

Social studies is memorizing names, places, dates.

♪ In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue ♪♪

That's nutsy cuckoo.

Mr. Woodman, that's reciting, not learning.

Learning is a discussion between people. A dialogue.

The ancient Greeks did it.

Where are your ancient Greeks today, Kotter?

They're all in a restaurant on Ninth Avenue.

Look, Mr. Woodman, you said yourself, it was interesting.

It's not school, Kotter.

You talk, they listen. That's school.

That's the way I taught. That's how you'll teach.

I'm sorry, Mr. Woodman. I'm really sorry.

But I won't hurt these kids

by following an outdated set of rules.

Well, then, Kotter, this school isn't big enough for both of us.

I'm bringing you up on charges

before the teachers' review board.

- You kidding? - I never kid, Kotter.

I have no sense of humor.

I'll take your class. Turn in your chalk.

You're suspended.

That's the pits.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪♪

Miss Riley will act as arbiter in this case.

Miss Riley, this is the accused's friend, Mr. Piper.

- How do you do? - The accused, Mr. Kotter.

- Mr. Kotter. - His wife, Mrs. Kotter.

[Miss Riley] Mrs. Kotter.

My husband is a wonderful teacher.

Wonderful.

My wife is here for moral support.

Yes.

Uh, Michael, will you read your charges against Mr. Kotter?

With pleasure.

Gabriel Kotter has heretofore refused

to use the assigned textbook

failed to follow the prescribed curriculum and furthermore

is in violation of Section 3 of the education code.

In addition to that, he does Groucho Marx in the classroom.

Miss Riley, uh, I'm here as a character witness

for Mr. Kotter. May I say a few words?

Yes.

My colleague, Gabe Kotter, is a terrific guy.

I take it you've known him a long time.

Oh, yes. Four or five weeks.

He is a great teacher.

- You have observed his class? - Oh!

You may recall the incident of the teacher that was arrested

in the balcony of a "Time Square" movie?

- He is not the man. - Thanks a lot, Charlie.

You just won the award for best performance

by a moral supporter in an unsupporting role.

Uh, Mr. Kotter, are your students planning

to attend this meeting?

No, of course not.

His Sweathogs had the nerve to ask me

for permission to be here.

Permission which I naturally denied.

That's not fair.

What we're deciding today is who's gonna teach those kids?

And I think they should be part of that decision.

I mean, I think that they should be here.

[Miss Riley] I see.

Make way for the painter and the paper man.

Just a moment. There's a meeting going on here.

Eh, Mac, when you hire the Linguini brothers to work

the Linguini brothers real work.

Hey, right, Ragnuzzio.

- That's a-right, Guido. - Alright.

This is absurd. What could be more ridiculous than this?

♪ O Sole Mio ♪

♪ O Sole Mio ♪♪

[humming "O Sole Mio"]

Kotter?

I know that face.

What?

That's you, Barbarino.

Where?

Barbarino, are you in there alone?

Uh, Mr. Kotter, are these your students?

Yes, these are my Sweathogs.

That's Moe, Larry, Curly. And that's Raquel.

Why did you guys come dressed like this?

'Cause Mr. Woodman said no Sweathogs could be here.

So we've been doin' like we've been doin' in class.

We started askin' ourselves questions.

Selves we ask...

..."what could we do to help Mr. Kotter beat this rap, but..."

At first, ourselves didn't answer.

But suddenly... out of nowhere a voice came into our heads

and said, "Go to the li-berry."

They went to the library?

You went to the library where they keep the books?

Yeah, and for three whole days we spent lookin' up

what you call legal presidents.

"Grant vs. Richmond.

"Dampsy vs. Tonni.

Flipper the seal vs. Caesar's Palace."

Here we are.

Section 3, sub-section 8

paragraph four of the city charter.

Whatever that is.

"Any teacher... any teacher placed on suspension

has the right to a public hearing."

Mr. Kotter, your students are somewhat offbeat.

[snapping fingers]

Cut it.

But they may speak if they will keep it brief.

Okay, Barbarino, take the stand.

Where should I take it?

It's a little joke.

Alright.

Don't look.

Alright, now.

"I would really like Mr. Kotter back...

"...'cause I figure his replacement could be worse."

Thanks a lot, Vinnie.

Hey, I ain't through yet.

Now.

"I just think Mr. Kotter's a pretty good guy."

About half the time.

- And, and-- - And a wonderful teacher.

Yeah, and a wonderful teacher.

And don't let this dress fool you.

I really mean it.

[all cheering]

Barbarino... thank you.

And, uh, Goodyear called. They'd like their blimps back.

Pretty good speech, baby.

Hi there.

Hey, I'm just your average student from off the streets.

And personally, I feel Mr. Kotter is a bad teacher.

- You think he's a bad teacher? - No, no, no.

I mean, not bad like bad

but badlike... ba-a-ad.

Oh... ba-a-ad.

You see, most teachers ask a question

and expect you to guess the right answer.

Well, my main man, Mr. Kotter

he lets us ask our own questions.

See, sometimes there's more than one right answer.

Which means, all them times that I was wrong... I was right.

You see, um, I was right.

[chuckling]

Uh, thank you.

[all clapping]

Hello.

How are you?

I'm Arnold Horshack.

And up until now going to school to me

has always been like being vaccinated.

What do you mean, "Vaccinated?"

Well, see, a subject is something you take.

And once you've had it

you're immune and need not ever take it again.

But Mr. Kotter here, he's not like that.

I mean, he really expects us to learn.

And it takes a heap of learning to make a boy a man.

[all applauding]

You're a wonderful pupil, Arnold.

[Freddie] Hey, my man. It was pretty good.

I, uh, I think my colleagues expressed themselves pretty good

on the, on the matter of Mr. Kotter getting the axe.

So I got a few grievances of my own I'd like to air.

[clears throat]

First of all, "The food in the cafeteria stinks."

- Right! - Right!

- That is completely irrelevant. - E-relevant?

With the trunk and the ears?

Hey, there's a whole lot of elephants in the circus.

- Mr. Ravelli. - Yeah, boss.

I had an elephant in my pajamas.

How he got there I'll never know.

Hey, that's pretty good.

That's a violation of Section 3.

He's imitating Groucho Marx.

I'm sorry, Miss Riley. I got carried away.

Epstein, fetch a chair.

No, no, not my chair!

[Miss Riley] No need to get red and puffy, Michael.

Um... Mr. Kotter, is there anything you'd like to say

in your own behalf?

In your own voice.

[imitating Groucho] Certainly.

Um, certainly.

Miss Riley, I'm a teacher.

That's what it says on my locker. "Mr. Kotter, teacher."

And I'm teaching a group of kids known as Sweathogs.

Contrary to popular opinion, Sweathogs are not dumb.

A dumb person does not think of a way to make it

rain in the gymnasium.

I did that.

Unfortunately, normal teaching methods

don't seem to work for these kids.

If they did, well, then they wouldn't be Sweathogs.

Don't you see?

They're gonna have to survive in the world of the future.

If they learn how to learn...

...well, then they'll be able to survive anywhere.

Copies of this speech can be obtained by writing local press.

[applauding]

Isn't he a wonderful teacher?

Wonderful.

Michael, would you care to say anything

before I make my decision?

I think my case speaks for itself, Miss Riley.

Very well.

Mr. Kotter, I may not approve of your methods

but I do believe in the rights of teachers to teach.

Now, I-I was impressed by your Sweathounds--

[all] Hogs.

Sweathogs initiative in doing research to save your job.

It seems that there, there is a method in your madness.

Now, you may think I'm old-fashioned, Mr. Kotter

but in my youth I was considered rather radical myself.

I vote to retain you.

I demand a recount!

[clamoring]

Miss Riley, Miss Riley

the man's methods, they're nutsy cuckoo!

Well, you taught him, Michael, you should be proud.

Now, there is one condition.

The, uh, the regulation say that you must use the textbook.

Okay.

- I'll use the book. - Good.

- This meeting is adjourned. - This is nutsy.

Nutsy! Nutsy!

Oh, Mr. Kotter, I think I know what you've been going through.

I was a teacher myself for 40 odd years.

And they were 40 of the oddest years I've ever known.

Well, I think I'll just leave my wonderful husband

with his wonderful students.

Congratulations, Gabe. I'm glad I could help.

We won!

You think I copped out, don't you?

Yeah. And after all them fancy words.

Hey, man, you acting just like everybody else.

Yeah, we thought the wizard was gonna give you some courage.

You promised to use those dumb old books.

Aha! But I didn't say how I was gonna use the books.

Okay, everybody take one.

Now I'll teach you something you're very badly in need of.

- What? - What?

Posture.

Walk like this.

Walk straight, walk proud. Remember, we're Sweathogs.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket ♪♪

Did I tell you what happened

the last time I visited my grandmother in Miami?

- No. But you will. - Okay, I'm on the plane.

A little old lady's sitting next to me.

She's got this big diamond ring.

So, I said, "Look, lady, I must compliment you.

"That's a beautiful diamond ring."

She says, "You don't know what this diamond ring is?

"This is the famous Plotnick Diamond."

The famous Plotnick Diamond.

I said, "Wow, that's terrific." She said, "Not so terrific.

"There's a terrible curse that comes with this diamond."

I said, "What's the curse?" She said, "Sam Plotnick."

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪♪

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪