Original subtitles

Oh, you remember my Uncle Ernie?

- No, I don't. - It doesn't matter.

He doesn't remember you either.

Anyway, he's gettin' married again.

- This is the fourth time. - The fourth time?

What about the other three wives?

First one died from eating poisoned mushrooms.

Second one died from eating poisoned mushrooms.

- What about the third one? - Fractured skull.

- A fractured skull? - Mm-hmm.

She wouldn't eat the poisoned mushrooms.

[male narrator] "Welcome Back, Kotter" has been recorded

live on tape before a studio audience.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place ♪

♪ That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

Okay, you got two minutes to the bell.

Would you like to know what'd make me really happy?

- What? - What?

Would you like to know what would make me

supremely happy?

- Yes, yes. - Yeah.

Just once, if I could go into that room

and see my entire class sitting there

before the bell rang.

Make another wish.

[laughing]

Look, Mr. Kotter, we still got two minutes

of private life left, do you mind?

Just once. Just once. That's all I'm asking.

[clanking]

She told me, Epstein. She told me.

- Who? What? Who told you what? - Suzie!

You hit on her at the party.

Tried to make out with my chick.

Hey, I wouldn't go near her.

Face it, Ludlow. The lady's a dog.

[laughing]

You callin' my Suzie a dog?

Yeah, well, name me another girl that barks and rolls over.

[howling]

That does it, Epstein, let's go.

Hey, take it easy, man. Take it easy.

I'm tryin' to figure out

what your new face is gonna look like.

Hey, my friend, a word of warning.

Epstein was voted most likely to take a life.

Oh, man, shut up.

Yeah, I voted three times.

[laughing]

You comin', cream puff?

[all] O-oh!

Horshack, my bandana, please.

Yes, sir!

[laughing]

I accept your challenge. Fisticuffs, close range.

[Freddie] Yeah, give 'em room, give 'em room.

- Let's go. - Hey, that way.

Have a good time.

[cheering]

We oughta find out Ludlow's blood type

and start roundin' up donations.

[bell rings]

Okay, okay, you people are going the wrong way. What's goin' on?

Hey, Dr. Epstein is performin' a nose transplant.

[laughing]

Well, there ain't nothin' like a brisk morning workout, boys.

Hey, man, where's Epstein?

Alright, get in the class.

- Oh? - But we gotta find Epstein.

I'll find Epstein. Go on...

Come on, Horshack, get in the class.

- Where's Epstein? - He's back there.

On the floor.

Go to your class.

Epstein, are you okay? Hey, look at me, man.

So you got a black eye, huh?

Hey, you didn't look that terrific to begin with.

Come on. We're gonna be late for class.

I ain't goin' to class, man. I ain't never goin' to class.

- Where you goin' then? - I don't know, uh...

Into the religious life.

Brother Epstein, huh?

See the headlines "Puerto Rican Jew joins monastery.

Here comes a fresh Lamonk."

Hey, so you got beat up, big deal.

I mean I got beat up plenty of times.

You think no one's gonna understand?

Yeah, that's what I think.

Hey, Juan, those kids in there.

The Sweathogs, they're your friends.

Oh, man, nobody likes a loser, man.

Hey, you know why you're leavin'

'cause you don't have the guts to stay.

- Who says? - I say.

Oh, yeah? Well, who are you to say?

I am the ghost of Sweathog past.

Aw, man.

Hey, if I am wrong about this, may a 1000 Mr. Woodmans

move into my apartment building.

Come on. You go back and you face your friends.

And then I'll take you to the nurse.

To get that eye fixed up.

- Epstein. - Hey, man, you okay?

- Check it out. - What happened?

- Whoo! - Oh!

- Wow! - See, huh?

They're still your friends.

Of course, we're still his friends.

Yeah, sure, we sure his friends, man. We're Sweathogs.

Our hearts go out to losers.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Epstein is not a loser.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, I'm only talkin' about the fight...

...which he did lose.

Hey, but you're my main man.

You could be a big one at all that other stuff, man.

You know, like, um, like knitting.

And, um, like, um, ballet.

[laughing]

Look, Epstein, you're still our friend

and we respect you for who you are.

A totally beaten man.

[laughing]

You know, I'm truly, grievously upset with you, Epstein.

How can I expect everybody to respect me

when my very meanest friend turns out to be a cream puff?

[all] Whoo!

- Hey-- - You lied, man!

Now that I ain't the toughest kid, I'm nobody, man.

- I'm nothin', man! - We were only kiddin'!

[indistinct chatter]

Mrs. Epstein, do you have any idea

where he might have gone?

Beside the zoo with the rest of the animals.

Look, I'll tell you what, if I locate him

I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything.

Okay. You've been a great help, Mrs. Epstein.

Thank you very much. Bye-bye.

It's incredible. Absolutely incredible.

Her son's been missin' for three days.

And the only thing she says is, "Hey, Murray, no wonder

there was an extra sausage last night."

Well, honey, maybe that's why bein' a tough guy

is so important to him. Nobody ever shows him any love.

Yeah, well, before I love him, I gotta find him.

If he only knew how much everybody wanted him back.

Well, what should I do?

Stand on the steps of the school and start singing.

♪ Won't you come home on Epstein ♪

♪ Won't you come home ♪

♪ We mourn a whole night long ♪

Go to school.

♪ We'll do the cookin' Juan ♪

♪ We'll pay the rent ♪

♪ Good mornin' Mrs. Kotter ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ Remember that rainy evenin'... ♪

Get out!

♪ Where you had nothin' but a fine... ♪

[sighs]

♪ I know I'm to blame ♪

♪ Now ain't that a shame ♪

♪ Juan Epstein won't you please come home ♪

♪ Ta-da-da ♪

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

♪ I really mean it... ♪♪

[telephone rings]

Epstein Central, Epstein ain't here.

Barbarino speakin'.

Well, if he ain't there why don't you try that store

on the corner, you know, with the big sign that says

"We never close."

Oh, it's closed?

Alright, then try the Staten Island ferry.

No, stupid, it's a boat!

Alright, the rest of you guys take Manhattan

the Bronx, and Staten Island too.

♪ And tell me what street compares with Mott Street ♪

♪ In July ♪♪

Sit down, sit down.

Hey, Barbarino, what's goin' on in here?

This is a classroom, not a live command headquarters.

This is our all-out effort to find our friend Epstein.

You was right, Mr. Kotter.

It was all our fault, his runnin' away and all.

But we're gonna make up for it.

Everybody's out lookin' everywhere.

You wanna help? Here, be a blue pin.

Forget the blue pin, there's a red phone on that table.

- What? - That. That's a red phone.

- Where? - Right over there.

That?

That... is a red phone on the table.

Now, where did that red phone come from?

Oh, we found it.

Lyin' around.

In Mr. Woodman's office.

Oh...

Horshack, it's good to see you.

What's the story in Coney Island?

12 potato knishes.

Who told you that you had to eat 12 knishes?

They did.

The knishes? They speak to you?

Yes, they said

"'Allo.

'Allo...

"...eat us.

We're fluffy, we're delicious."

Oh, but they lied.

Arnold, you can't trust a knish.

I think you better sit down. You're knished out.

Kotter, what is the meaning of all this?

Well, for class today, Mr. Woodman

they're conducting a Missing Person's Bureau.

They're trying to locate one Juan Epstein.

Uh, he might've joined the circus.

May have been an opening for a half man, half beast.

My red phone! What's it doin' here?

What?

- That's my red phone, Kotter. - Where?

- Right there. - That?

That's my red phone. Where did it come from?

They found it.

Lyin' around.

In your office.

[telephone rings]

Just a minute, Kotter. Don't answer that.

No one, under any circumstances, answers my red phone, except me.

Now give it to me. Hello?

It's for you.

Hello?

Hi, Julie, what... What?

I'll be right there.

Mr. Woodman, you gotta take over my class.

Just pretend you're in charge. I gotta go home.

- Epstein showed up. - Where?

At my apartment. Right now he's locked in my bathroom.

I gotta get there before he drowns my rubber duck.

Juan?

You've been in there for over an hour.

You must be awfully hot and thirsty by now.

How would you like a nice, cold soda?

Sure I would. But I'm a punk.

Punks don't deserve nice, cold sodas.

What do you got that's warm and flat?

- Hi, honey. - Hi.

- Is he still in there? - Uh-huh.

Juan, Mr. Kotter's here.

I'll be right back with your flat soda.

Don't go anywhere.

Where would I go?

[knocking]

Epstein, it's me. Where have you been?

Missing. Actually, I'm still missin'.

Epstein, you're not missin'. You're in my bathroom.

And right now, I wanna take a bath.

Why? It ain't Saturday.

Epstein, come outta there or I'm gonna break this door down.

No, you won't.

That's what you're supposed to say in situations like this.

You know what you're also supposed to say?

What?

Now, see here, Leo, myeah

now, come out of there with your hands up, myeah.

Oh, you dirty rat, you'll never take me alive, copper.

No. Never, copper. Never, never.

- Let's not be an Epstein. - You like that?

- A little higher. - Higher?

- You'll never take me alive. - You'll never take me alive.

- Put your thumbs in your pants. - Got it.

Okay. You know what I'm gonna do now?

Oh, you know what I'm gonna do now?

I'm comin' right out of this bathroom.

I'm comin' right out of this bathroom.

♪ O-oh I'm a yankee doodle dandy ♪

♪ I'm a yankee doodle boy ♪

Hey! No way.

- Almost worked, sweetheart. - Hmm.

Juan, this is Julie. I've got your flat soda for you.

Pour it under the door.

Juan, the only way you're gonna get this soda

is to get your tail outta there.

Look, Mrs. Kotter's out there

and I don't feel like facin' a woman.

Don't worry, Juan, I'll lock myself in the bathroom.

Okay, look, you gotta promise me one thing, Mr. Kotter.

I promise. What did I promise?

- That you don't look at me. - Okay.

I look at a lamp.

Well, Epstein, nice to see you again.

You lost a little weight, haven't you?

Hey, Mr. Kotter, the second rule after don't look at me

is don't make fun of me.

Epstein, if you didn't want me to look at you

then why did you come here?

To say goodbye.

I'm runnin' away to join the circus.

- Don't you-- - Don't look at me!

Look at the lamp.

Don't you know ...that the one thing

you can't run away from is yourself?

Because no matter where you go, lamp

you go with you.

So why don't you go back to school?

I can't.

Epstein, can I please look at you?

I can't get through to this lamp.

Okay, but, like, kinda like have no expression on your face.

Epstein, now tell me why you can't go back.

'Cause I'm a punk. My friends were right when they said it.

I'm a punk. A... A child on the streets.

A fly speck on the highway of life.

Ain't nobody cares about me, man.

Okay, then, you tell me why those kids have been

combing the city lookin' for you?

- They have not. - They have.

In their own way, of course.

Hey. They care about you, Juan.

We all care about you.

Then how come you didn't write?

- Juan, you poor baby. - Don't look at me!

Look at the lamp.

You know what I see when I look at you?

I see a sensitive, bright, energetic kid

that has a lot more goin' for him than muscle.

Oh, you see that? Where? Where is that guy?

Show me, where?

I'll show you where that guy is. That guy is in here.

And that guy is in here.

Yeah, well, how about right here?

There's nothing in there, Juan.

It's empty. Nothing.

Oh, yeah, but you're going to meet a tall, dark stranger.

[knocking]

Honey, I'm through lookin' at the lamp

and now, I'm answerin' the window.

Hi.

I told you over and over and over again

don't come in through the window!

There's a door over there, you see a door?

What do you think it's used for?

At least they're makin' progress.

They knocked.

Epstein, how you doin'?

You ready to come back and wipe out Todd Ludlow, huh?

Yeah, man, we figured you rested up enough

to get back a little Sweathog honor.

Yeah, you could hit him, and kick him

and knock him down the stairs. And step on him!

I don't know.

Epstein, what's the matter with you?

Maybe Epstein has decided that there's more to being a man

than winning or losing a fight.

That manliness is not measured

by the amount of macho a guy's got.

Right you are, Mr. Kotter.

I get along without any macho at all.

Yeah, I'm holdin' it for him 'til he gets older.

Hey, look, a real man's got to be tough.

No way, Freddie.

Are you sayin' just 'cause Ludlow took me out

that I'm less than a man?

I mean, uh, how about what I think

and how I feel?

Hey, man, that's just a lot of jive words

from Mr. Kotter, man.

Hey, man, look, you don't know nothin' about

livin' in the streets today, man, nothin'!

Hey, Freddie, what makes you think

that today is any different than yesterday?

Where do you think I got this nose from?

From a novelty store?

Horshack, this nose has been all over the place.

One year, it was over here. One year's in back here.

One year I had to hide it in my locker to make sure it was safe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, man, but as long as we still got to be

livin' here, there's gonna be times when we got to resort

to fightin', you understand?

No. No, I don't understand.

You don't understand that you have a choice.

You can use this and maybe you guys will stay

in this neighborhood the rest of your lives.

Or you can use what's in here and what's in here

and you get a shot at gettin' outta here.

I mean, it's all up to you.

Let, let me translate.

Everybody make a fist.

- Come on, make a fist. - Alright.

Okay. Now, open it up.

You see, there's nothin' in there.

- What? - Right here.

- There's nothin' there. - Where?

Why don't you call your mother, Juan?

She's worried about you. Go ahead.

- Yeah. - I'm gonna be over here.

You know somethin', Mrs. Kotter?

What, Juan?

It's not much fun bein' missin'.

I mean, like, you walk around all day

but you're not really there you know?

Hello? Pedro? Yeah, yeah, it's me.

Hey, do me a favor, put ma on the phone, will ya?

Hello, ma?

Oh, Erving.

Yeah, hey, Erving, could you get ma to the phone?

Thanks. Hello, ma?

Sanchez.

Uh, Sanchez, could you, could you get ma on the phone?

Hello, ma?

It's me, Juan.

Juan Epstein.

Number six.

Short guy, curly hair. Anti-social.

Right, right.

Yeah, well, I'm at the Kotters'.

Yeah, I'm comin' home.

Yeah, okay.

Here.

Hello, Mrs. Epstein?

Yeah, he's fine, safe and sound.

Okay, I'm gonna send him home.

Okay, I will.

She says, if you were planning to come home for dinner

that you should eat here.

Your sausage was already committed.

Why don't you all come back here for dinner?

[all] Hey, that's a great idea.

You know, Epstein...

...you were right.

There is nothing there.

Hey, man, maybe you don't got to beat up on the guy

to prove yourself.

That's right, use your head

and get somebody else to do it for ya.

Okay, I guess we're all gonna have supper together

but we gotta go back to school right now.

So come on, let's go, we got a lot to learn.

- Alright. - Okay.

- See ya later, Mrs. Kotter. - See ya, Mrs. Kotter.

Bye-bye. Bye.

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

Hey, did I tell you about my Uncle Bernie

who never took a bath?

- No. - This is true.

I had an uncle Bernie he never took a bath.

- Really? - Yeah.

Now, one time he's gone away to vacation.

You know, he's got two friends of his.

One's a guy from India. One's a guy from Israel.

- Right? - Mm-hm.

- Their car breaks down. - Mm-hm.

Knocks on this farmer's door.

He says, "Look, there's three of us here.

We have no place to sleep for tonight.

Our car broke down."

The farmer says, "Well

two of you can sleep here but one of you

has to sleep in the barn 'cause we don't have any room."

Which one slept in the barn?

Well, first the guy from India says, "That's alright

I will sleep in the barn, no problem."

He goes to sleep in the barn, about a minute later

there's a knock on the door. It's the guy from India.

He says, "So sorry, I cannot sleep in the barn

"there's a cow in the barn and cow is sacred animal.

Cannot sleep with a cow."

So what happened then?

The guy from Israel says, "Big deal

so I'll go sleep in the barn."

He goes to the barn and about a minute later, there's a knock

on the door, the guy from Israel, he says

"I can't sleep in the barn, there's a pig in the barn

and it's not kosher, and I can't sleep with a pig."

- So what did your uncle do? - Oh, my uncle had to.

He said, "Alright I'll sleep in the barn," so my uncle went

to the barn, and a minute later there's a knock on the door.

It's the cow and the pig.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪♪