Original subtitles

Gabe, what are you doin' out here?

It's almost midnight.

Just listening to the wind whistle through my shorts.

What's bothering you, honey?

There was somethin' goin' on all week

with those kids in my class.

I couldn't figure out what it was.

Well, then how do you know that something's goin' on?

They're not acting like themselves.

They're acting like people.

They're talking instead of yelling.

Epstein has showed up three straight days

and Barbarino hasn't tried to take over the school all week.

Gabe, don't worry so much.

You're the best teacher I know.

I'm the only teacher you know.

I'm a failure.

The kids don't trust me.

They had a problem and they wouldn't come to me with it.

Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a teacher.

Maybe I should have gone off with Jacques Cousteau.

Jacques Cousteau?

[in foreign accent] Our ship was stuck in heavy ice.

It had been a very difficult crossing.

Some of the crew of Calypso had gotten friendly with pelicans.

[male announcer] "Welcome Back, Kotter" is recorded live

before a studio audience.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

Nobody trust me. Nobody's ever trusted me in my whole life.

Even my father didn't trust me.

That's not true.

Then how come I had to give him a receipt for my allowance?

I trust you.

You're supposed to. We're married.

Comes with the deal.

I know. I remember the vows we wrote for our wedding.

- To love, honor and trust. - Right.

And I remember my father told you to ask for receipts.

I know. I still have it.

[telephone ringing]

Oh.

[ringing continues]

If that's my father tell him the receipt

for my birthday present is in the mail.

Hello?

Uh-huh, yeah, hold on. Honey, it's Boom Boom.

Boom Boom who?

How many Boom Booms do you know?

Freddie Boom Boom? Hi, Freddie.

It's shakin' fine. How's it shakin' with you?

Good.

No, no, hey, don't worry. Look, you can trust me.

You can trust me. Okay. Bye.

Freddie Washington and Vernajean Williams are comin'

right over here. They got a problem they wanna talk about.

Put on your robe. They said they'll be right over.

[knocking on door]

I wonder what took 'em so long.

Quick, shut the door. I don't want nobody to see me.

Barbarino, are you dressed for "The Late Late Show?"

It's midnight, sweetheart.

Did you bring the falcon?

What?

"Maltese Falcon."

Where?

Never mind. Barbarino, what are you doin' here?

Mr. Kotter, I gotta talk to you.

But you gotta promise not to tell anybody.

My lips are sealed.

It's about Freddie and Vernajean.

They're quitting school to get married.

- What? - And they don't even have to.

You gotta do somethin'.

[knocking on door]

Right now I gotta answer the door.

I don't want nobody to know that I'm talkin' to a teach.

- You gotta hide me. - Quick, into the bathroom.

Alright.

Quick, shut the door. I don't want anybody to see me.

Mr. Kotter, I gotta talk to ya.

Uh, Julie, what do you know!

As "The Late Late Show" has a double feature tonight.

Yeah, yeah, listen. Freddie and Vernajean.

They wanna get married and you gotta stop it.

[knocking on door]

I'll hide in the bathroom.

[Kotter] Oh, you better not.

Vinnie's hiding in the bathroom.

That's okay.

Close the door.

I don't want nobody to see me here.

I certainly don't blame you. You look ridiculous.

Hey, Freddie and Vernajean wanna get married.

Oh, really? Ha ha. Hear that, Julie?

Ha ha. And you want Mr. Kotter to stop 'em?

No. Hey, look, I don't know.

I mean, like, it oughta be up to them, you know.

Like, everybody's been messin' with their head.

You gotta get people to leave 'em alone.

[knocking on door]

- Hey. - I gotta answer the door.

I don't want nobody to see me here.

I'm gonna hide in the bathroom.

No, no, no, you hide in the closet.

Quick, shut the door. I don't want nobody to see me.

[wheezy laughing]

Arnold, will you please take off that head?

Oh!

It's hot in there, Mr. Kotter.

I don't know how them gorillas can stand it.

Mr. Kotter, I gotta talk to you.

Don't tell me. Vernajean Williams

and Freddie wanna get married.

And you want Mr. Kotter to either stop 'em

or leave 'em alone.

That is truly amazing.

Do you do card tricks too?

Look. Arnold, I can't stop a wedding.

I don't want you to stop the wedding.

I think it's very romantic.

I want you to stop Vinnie from stoppin' the wedding.

[Vinnie] Hey.

You got somebody in the bathroom?

The Ty-D-Bol Man.

[knocking on door]

I gotta hide me!

[stammers] No, you... go on there's

fire escape that enters Empire State Building.

Right, right.

[Arnold] Oh.

That's Vernajean and Washington. What are we gonna do?

I think we're gonna look for a bigger apartment.

Hi.

- How you doin'? - Okay.

Maybe we came at a bad time.

No, we were just spending a quiet evening at home.

Please, sit down.

Hey, look, thanks for letting us

fall by Mr. and Mrs. Kotter.

Yeah, we really appreciate this.

So?

Anything new?

Uh, Vernajean and me, we're gettin' married

and don't try to talk us out of it.

Can I ask you why you're gettin' married?

Vernajean's family is movin' to Staten Island.

So? I mean it's not like Staten Island's on another planet.

I can see you ain't never been to Staten Island.

Look, man, anyway

Vernajean's daddy and me, we don't exactly see eye to eye.

Yeah, we're not even supposed to see each other.

Which is kind of hard sitting in the same classroom.

So, um... we're gettin' married.

You know, marriage is a very big step.

I mean, do you really think that you're ready?

Yeah, we're ready, I mean...

...we're in love and... I mean, that's enough.

I don't know if it is, Freddie.

I mean, I am speaking as an experienced married person.

And marriage is not all a bowl of cherries.

Let me give you an example, okay?

A wife buys a shirt for her husband.

It's not an attractive shirt.

I mean, he feels like a fool walkin' around in that shirt.

Alright, but he wears it

'cause he doesn't wanna hurt her feelings.

Gabe? You told me you love that shirt.

Julie, this is a hypothetical situation.

I am not referring to this shirt.

Thatis a $25 shirt.

Answer the question.

I hate the shirt.

What else have you lied about?

That's it. Nothing else.

Your tuna casserole.

You lovemy tuna casserole.

No. Youlove your tuna casserole.

Nobody puts prunes in a tuna casserole.

There is no person in the civilized world that'd eat--

Mr. Kotter. Mr. Kotter. Mrs. Kotter.

We both know what y'all doin'.

- You do? - Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you're fightin' in front of us

so we won't get married, right?

We are?

Of course.

Well, any fool can see that y'all really love each other.

- And you're only playacting. - Right.

- Right! - Right!

- What was that? - Mice.

Well, anyway, we came over to ask you to do us a favor.

If you could give us our wedding present in advance.

Yeah, um, could you tell our parents?

Why don't I give you a toaster instead?

You can write your announcement on an English muffin.

Hey, look. No problem, baby.

We just won't tell our folks.

Connin' the judge ain't no big thing.

Sure, I mean go ahead. Con a judge.

There's a lotta stupid things you could do, Freddy.

I mean, you could lie about your age

and run off to Maryland 'cause there's no way you--

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Maryland.

Hey, that's it baby. We can go off to Maryland.

Lie about our age. We ain't gotta wait in Maryland.

Hey, thanks a lot, Mr. Kotter.

Thanks, good man. Hah!

Hey, Mr. Kotter.

You are a super dude.

Hey, bye, Mr. Kotter. Bye, Mrs. Kotter.

- Bye-bye. - Bye, mice.

- Bye. - Bye.

Way to go, super dude.

You just talked him right over two state lines.

[Barbarino] Some big help you were.

Now, they're getting married for sure.

- Look, I didn't tell 'em-- - You're not a friend.

You're nothin' but a teacher.

Why can't I be your teacher and your friend?

It don't work that way, Kotter.

You see, in this vast universe of ours

people are divided into two groups.

Us and them.

You're them.

We gotta go. Come on.

Do you hear that, Bensonhurst?

My father was right!

I can't be trusted!

[male 1] I trust you, mac. Go to sleep!

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪♪

Good morning.

[students] Good morning, Mr. Kotter.

Alright.

Now, yesterday, we had a problem because nobody trusted anybody.

Well, that's the way of the world.

Barbarino, trust is a two-way street.

Do you trust us?

Epstein. Barbarino.

Washington and Horshack. Come over here with me.

What's happenin', man?

Shazam!

[all yelling]

Hey, how'd you know we was gonna catch you?

That's the point, Barbarino. I trusted you.

I knew that you guys weren't gonna let me fall on my face.

Okay. Sit down.

That is very impressive, Mr. Kotter.

Where'd you learn to do that?

From the person I trust most in the world. From my wife.

You mean every day you go home and you and Mrs. Kotter

fall off the furniture at each other?

This is an object lesson, Epstein.

The trust between a husband and a wife

is the strongest kind of trust there is.

You know, we spend a lotta time in the school teaching you about

math about English, about science

but we don't teach about being married.

Something that eventually, most of you are gonna do.

So today, I've decided to have a class on how to be married.

You can't learn marriage in a classroom, Mr. Kotter.

You gotta pick it up on the streets.

Okay, well, I am takin' it off the streets

and putting it into the classroom, alright?

I'm gonna act out a whole marriage in one homeroom period.

That's my kinda course.

Not much thinkin' and plenty of action.

Okay, now, Vernajean and Freddie

you're planning to run off to Maryland to tie the knot

so, uh, you can play the leads.

- Alright. - What do you want us to do?

Just improvise. You say whatever comes into your head.

React to the moment.

Well, I ain't playin'.

I ain't gonna contribute to the delinquency of a minor.

Me neither. I mean, you just gave Vernajean the lead.

And even though you are my dearest, dearest friend

I do not play supporting roles.

Well, I'll play, Mr. Kotter.

Don't you need somebody to marry 'em?

Okay, Epstein, you marry 'em.

Oh! Oh! Oh, oh!

What about me? What can I do?

Horshack, I've decided you're against this marriage.

- I am? - Yes.

Okay.

[scatting "Here comes the Bride"]

[scatting stops]

[scatting continues]

[scatting stops]

Okay, Epstein, will you please conduct the ceremony?

[Epstein clears throat]

[singing in foreign language]

[Freddie and Vernajean] Whoo!

[singing continues]

Eh, man, that's a pretty good tune

but, um, what does that mean?

I don't know, but it's on the charts in Israel.

Anybody got a wine glass on 'em?

[Rosalie] No.

I got a thermos. Would that help?

It'll do in a pinch.

Step on it!

Oh!

[humming in foreign language]

[students applauding]

Hello? Hello?

Uh, Mr. Fiddler, would you mind comin' off the roof?

Finish your ceremony.

[Epstein clears throat]

By the power invested in me by Mr. Kotter

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Mazel tov.

Who you callin' a mazel tax?

Freddie, he just wished you good luck.

If he says anything bad I'll let you know.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh!

[clattering]

Well, I was drinkin' too much coffee anyway.

Okay, marriage is over. Time for the honeymoon.

- Oh, kiss me, baby. - Come here, baby.

Mmm.

- Honeymoon is over. - Oh... that's the honeymoon?

Well, this is a ten-minute marriage

your five-second honeymoon is just about right.

Now it's time to have children.

- What? - Wait, wait, wa-a-ait a minute.

We wasn't plannin' to have no kids right away.

Well, you know, accidents do happen.

I think I was a accident.

Okay, Arnold, you come up here.

You play Vernajean's and Freddie's accident.

[Arnold] Okay.

I'm sorry, Vinnie.

But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

He ain't exactly what I had in mind.

Okay, now the three of you are at home

in your one-room apartment when all of a sudden

you get a visit from an unexpected guest.

I play the unexpected guest.

[Vernajean] Okay.

[knocking]

- Darlin', I wonder who that is? - Mmm.

It's Mr. Kotter playin' an unexpected guest.

[laughing]

- Who is it? - My name is Vito Cornfeldt.

I am from the Strong-Arm Rental Agency. Ha ha ha.

I am here to collect the rent because you people

have fallen 12 years behind.

Man, I thought you paid the rent!

Don't worry, baby. I'm gonna handle the whole thing.

Hi there.

[chuckling]

You know, I've... I've had a few business setbacks.

You know, couple of bad investments.

And, um, ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

How about a little more of that, uh, time?

Ha ha, I don't think you understand.

When they send me to your door, your time is up.

Ha ha ha.

[Arnold crying]

That's the ugliest baby I ever saw in my life.

[Arnold crying]

Why don't you just go ahead and pay the man.

He's upsetting my child.

Uh, don't bug me. Don't bug me, woman.

No rent is stilltoo much rent for this fleabag.

You tell 'em, pop!

Now don't you yell at him.

It ain't his fault you can't support us!

Okay, then whose fault is it?

If we hadn't gotten married, I wouldn't have to quit school.

Oh, look, it ain't my fault that I got pregnant!

I don't know why we got married in the first place.

'Cause I didn't want you going off meetin' new guys.

That's why!

And goin' off with those Staten Island dudes.

That's why!

Yeah, I don't wanna play anymore.

Hey!

Freddie.

Man, I promise to be true to you.

Don't you trust me?

I don't believe this.

I mean, I'm worried about you guys trusting me.

You don't even trust each other.

[bell ringing]

I think I just became a orphan.

Little orphan Arnold.

[Arnold laughing]

Thanks a lot for the opportunity, Mr. Kotter.

You know, I'm also available for brits and bar mitzvahs.

Hey, nice goin'.

The way you broke up that marriage was very sneaky.

I like that in a person.

Thanks a lot, Vinnie. I think you're sneaky too.

Freddie, Freddie, wait a second.

I mean, I don't understand somethin'.

Why didn't you tell Vernajean, the way you felt before?

Um, hey, I couldn't, man.

It's just not cool to tell someone

you're afraid of losin' them.

Eh, Freddie.

Man, you wouldn't lose me.

I wouldn't?

Mm-mm.

You mean, we don't have to get married now?

Well, I'll take a rain check.

- Come on. - Hey, thanks.

Woo-hoo!

[tapping feet]

The mind stops when you least expect, doesn't it, Kotter?

I got through to them, Mr. Woodman.

I got through to them.

Pure luck, Kotter. It'll never happen again.

You can't discourage me, Mr. Woodman.

Nothing you can say will make me go off with Jacques Cousteau.

I am invincible. I am teacher.

You are nuts!

Don't be fooled by a momentary victory, Kotter.

The world is divided into two parts.

Us and them.

And they're them.

And come to think of it... you are them too.

Yeah? Well, thank you.

That's the nicest remark I've ever heard.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

Did I ever tell you that the Kotter family

has been in outer space?

No. But you will.

I am serious, Julie.

My Uncle Buzz Kotter... was an astronaut.

They sent him into outer space with a monkey.

- Uh-huh. - Very exciting.

I mean five minutes after take off, a red light flashes on.

Tell the monkey to activate the rockets

and make sure there's plenty of oxygen in the capsule.

Well, what did Uncle Buzz do?

I'm gettin' to him, I'm gettin' to him, okay.

An hour later, another green light flashes.

Tells the monkey to check all temperature gauges.

Then, about five minutes later, Uncle Buzz's red light flashes.

And what did Uncle Buzz's red light tell him to do?

Feed the monkey.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪♪

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪