Original subtitles

Honey, why hasn't your mother ever liked me?

She likes you, Julie, it's just she never was crazy

about any girls I went out with.

They were either too fat, too skinny

too short, too tall, too loud, too quiet.

I finally found a girl that was exactly like my mother.

I mean how could she complain? This girl looked like my mother.

She talked like my mother. She walked like my mother.

Same personality.

- Well, what happened? - My father hated her.

[male narrator] "Welcome Back, Kotter" has been recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.

[John Sebastian singing "Welcome back"]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place ♪

♪ That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they're turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

You. Hold it right there, mister.

- Me? - What have you done with it?

Hey, Mr. Woodman, I'm clean. I ain't got it.

Ah-ha! Got what, Epstein?

Whatever, he ain't got it.

Here, look. I'm clean. Really. You can search me. Here.

See. This is all I got on me. It's my good luck charm.

Had it since birth, it's the first tooth

I ever knocked outta anybody. Look into my eyes.

- Hey, Mr. Kotter-- - You stole my chalk, Epstein.

My yellow chalk!

That's my favorite of all my colors.

Yellow is my favorite.

Mr. Woodman, I am really surprised at you.

Accusing Epstein of being a thief.

Now look at that face.

Don't defend them, Kotter.

I'm sick of their taunts. I'm sick of their contempt.

I'm sick of them flaunting my authority. I'm sick of them!

No doubt about it. The man is sick.

Ah, reminds me of the girls gym teacher

they found in the shower talking to a volleyball.

[bell rings]

Hey, yo, Mr. Woodman, man, like you know,

the bell just rang. It's time for us to boogie.

Well, then, boogie, you pack of howling baboons.

Boogie!

♪ Boogie boogie boogie ♪♪

Boogie till your fingers fall off.

Boogie!

Mr. Woodman, uh, are you okay?

I mean you didn't have too much chipped beef

in the cafeteria today, did you?

Forget about the chalk. You don't seem quite yourself.

Kotter, I'm more of myself than ever.

Well, try being less yourself than ever.

I mean, Mr. Woodman, a person is like a car.

We have to be finely tuned.

What are you trying to say, Kotter?

Mr. Woodman, you need a lube job.

You gotta relax a little bit.

You know, forget about Buchanan.

Why don't you go out, have a few drinks

a nice dinner, some quiet conversation with friends?

Good advice, Kotter. Thank you.

What time?

"What time," what?

Well, that was a dinner invitation.

What time shall I be there?

How about August?

[doorbell buzzing]

Okay, now remember.

Years from now, we're gonna look back on this

and we won't laugh.

I bet you hoped I wouldn't come. That true, isn't it, Kotter?

I mean you didn't invite me, I invited myself.

And now that I'm here you'd wish I'd leave, right?

Well, it is getting late.

Mr. Woodman, we are delighted that you could come.

Mrs. Kotter, don't worry, I'll leave early.

- Let me take your coat. - What are you gonna do with it?

Just gonna hang it right here in the closet.

I'll leave the door open

so you can keep an eye on it...

...at all times.

Gabe, why don't you make us a drink or two?

Or six before dinner?

Good idea. C'mon, Mr. Woodman, I'll fix you a screwdriver.

Tighten up whatever is loose.

Uh, in my entire career

I've been invited to faculty member's homes

for dinner only, uh, twice.

The, uh, first time was during World War II.

They wanted my meat ration points.

Second time was, uh...

...just a few years ago during the tuna fish scare.

We had tuna casserole and...

...everyone waited for me to taste it first.

- What's for dinner? - Tuna casserole.

Just kidding, just kidding. Here, I made a joke.

So, uh, you actually live here?

No! Here, no. We have a town house in Park Avenue.

We just borrow this place from a struggling teacher

and his wife when we wanted to entertain.

I had a place like this once.

- Oh? - It burned.

That's too bad, Mr. Woodman.

But at least it made it easy for you to move.

Who moved?

I just stayed at the Y till the furniture cooled.

That was a, a joke...

- It was a joke. - Oh!

- Mr. Woodman made a joke. - Made a joke.

You know, I'm beginning to relax.

Uh, tell me, uh, Kotter.

What's troubling you?

Me?

You wanna know what's troubling me, Mr. Woodman?

Okay, I'm gonna tell you what's troubling me.

You. You're troubling me.

Oh, uh, think I made a fool outta myself

in the hall today, don't you?

- Well, it wasn't-- - Well, I, I did, Kotter.

I did and, and over what, eh?

Chalk.

Chalk. Meaningless sticks of compressed dust.

Dollars worth of nothing.

Zero. Null! Void!

I'm not very well-liked. Am I, Kotter?

Why don't we start eating dinner now?

What could it be, Kotter, what?

What's the difference? You're still gonna get dinner.

And I'll even taste it first.

The, uh, the students like you.

You've, you've got the core, Kotter

but... you know, what do they think of me?

- Well, honestly-- - I really wanna know, Kotter.

- Well-- - Tell me. Go ahead, tell me.

- Basically-- - I'll make it easier for you.

I'll, I'll start, they think I'm ill-tempered

and insensitive and...

It's a good start.

...petty and tyrannical.

- Hostile. - Unreasonable.

- Mean. - Rotten.

Rotten?

Well, that, that's it, Kotter.

I don't have to sit here and be insulted by your wife.

Mr. Woodman, please, I'm so sorry.

Please don't go.

Well, it's, you're right.

It's all true, I, I am rotten.

No, no, you're not rotten.

I mean, I would've stopped at petty and tyrannical.

All you have to do is loosen up a little bit.

- Just stop and smell the roses. - In Brooklyn?

Well, stop and smell a few winos.

Look, you have to get back to your first love. Teaching.

Now, you may have your weaknesses

but, Julie, this man is one terrific history teacher.

- You really think so, huh? - The greatest.

Nobody could teach about military history

like this man, right over here.

Well, I guess there was always something about a good war

that cheered me up.

It was probably seeing all those people with guns

and knowing they're not in your neighborhood.

You know, Gabe's right, Mr. Woodman.

You should get back to teaching.

It's ridiculous. I wouldn't know where to start.

I haven't taught a class in ten years.

- Teach my class tomorrow. - Oh! I couldn't. I couldn't.

Come on. They're not gonna bite you.

I have been bitten by Sweathogs

on many occasions.

I made another joke.

- Another joke. - Ha ha.

First one would the apartment with the burning

and the second was bitten by Sweathogs.

Two jokes in one evening. Come on.

Alright, I have a surprise for everybody today.

Mr. Woodman has agreed to teach my class.

[laughing]

Him? Him?

[wheezy laughter]

Okay, now I'm going right over here to sit down

and I want everybody to think of me today...

...as just another Sweathog.

Okay, Kotter, no horseplay. Sit up straight!

I've still got it. Alright, now.

Boys and girls, take out your notebooks and pencils.

What's the matter, Kotter? You don't have to take notes?

- You want me to take notes? - Yes.

Okay, right. I'll take notes.

Horshack. Horshack, lend me a pencil.

Sorry, no loansies.

Horshack?

Mr. Kotter, I am surprised at you.

Don't you know that you're supposed to come to class

with two sharpened pencils in case one breaks?

You sound like my mother.

Mr. Kotter, there is no need to get surly.

Well, you know, surly to bed, surly to rise.

Uh, today we'll discuss the Revolutionary War.

Now... who can tell me

where that war started?

- Mr. Washington? - Right.

[whispers] What's the answer?

- Lexington and-- - Right.

[clears throat]

Lexington Avenue.

Probably near

probably near 129th Street by that barbecue, man.

It's a tough neighborhood. A lot of wars went on over there.

Wrong!

The answer is Lexington and Concord.

Where the colonists fired the shot heard round the world.

Now the red coats came marching down the road...

...not suspecting that the colonists

were lying in wait for them.

Kotter, get up here and lie and wait for me.

You want me to lie in wait in any place special?

Well, take cover behind the hill.

Okay, I'm taking cover behind the hill.

Alright, now.

1775, the scene...

...Lexington, Concord, Massachusetts

and the red coats came marching down the road

not suspecting that the colonists

were lying in wait for them.

Ooh! Ooh, ooh! Ooh!

- Could I be a prisoner? - I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe, maybe, later.

Fire at will, Kotter.

Taxation without representation, huh, huh?

Alright, take this!

You treasonous scanty dog.

Ah! I surrender!

And so on June 16th,1775

George Washington agreed to take command...

...of the colonial army.

Beautiful!

[cheering]

[bell rings]

Mr. Woodman, I hate to admit it

but that was interesting. Really. Very good.

You know, you look like the guy on the money.

That was terrific, Mr. Woodman.

Mr. Kotter doesn't do that many costume changes in class.

Well, I'm glad you all enjoyed it.

Wait till you see the fun we have with World War II.

- Oh, you're gonna act that. - Oh, that's great.

It was great. It was really great.

Really, it was great.

It's a pretty good speech, man.

They love me, Kotter.

Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kott...

Mr. Kotter, why is he wearing Miss Fishbeck's hair?

Mr. Woodman, you've gotta do something.

The Sweathogs just locked Todd Ludlow in a gym locker.

I don't know how long he can last in there

with Epstein's socks.

Did you hear her, Mr. Woodman?

They locked Todd Ludlow in a locker.

I've still got it.

He's in a locker with Epstein's socks.

- They love me! - I can see the headlines.

"Vice principal wears wig, while socks smothers student."

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

[indistinct chatter]

Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning, children. Good morning, Mr. Kotter.

Ah, good morning, Mr. Woodman.

And a beautiful morning it is.

[feedback on speakers]

[Lazarus] Students, this is Principal Lazarus.

I'm addressin' whoever has disconnected the bell.

You have this first period to reconnect it.

No questions asked.

In the meantime, get to your classes.

Ding-dong.

- In the classrooms, come on. - Oh, uh, Kotter...

I, uh, I wanna thank you

for letting me take your class yesterday and...

Ah! Bless you, Kotter.

Mr. Woodman, don't you think you should take me out

a few times first?

Oh!

When you're at that wedding

remember the cha-cha is different than the mambo.

It's one, two, one, two, three...

[wheezy laughter]

Epstein. Barbarino!

- What? What? - Come on over here.

- Come on over here. - Yeah.

What is this?

Uh, we're on a junior achievement project

for the telephone company.

You guys, you guys wouldn't happen to know

who disconnected the bell, would you?

It's probably the same guy that stuck Todd Ludlow

in my gym locker, you know?

Part of the undesirable element here at Buchanan.

Epstein, you are the president

of the undesirable element here at Buchanan.

Now go and reconnect that bell.

Never judge by appearances, Kotter.

Appearances deceive, they delude.

Now, you must learn to trust these children.

Trust is the very foundation of good student-teacher relations.

And remember, Kotter, there are no bad boys

just bad teachers.

- Run along now, boys. - Thanks, Mr. Woodman.

[clanging]

- Class is over! - Whoo!

[Kotter] That wasn't the bell. Get back inside. Go on.

Back inside.

It was William Claiborne who settled Maryland

and William Penn who settled Pennsylvania.

Okay, can anybody tell me who settled New Jersey?

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Is New Jersey settled?

Arnold, New Jersey's been settled for more than 250 years.

Ha! You've never been to Newark on a Saturday night!

[laughing]

[all] Boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie.

Hey, alright. Come on.

I know you'd rather be watchin' Mr. Woodman

crash the Boston Tea Party

but some of us are here to learn.

Who?

Can we get some of these names up on the board...

Excuse me, I gotta boogie to my desk to get some chalk.

[all] Boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie, boogie...

[all laughing]

Woodman's yellow chalk!

All of Woodman's yellow chalk is in my desk.

Oh, we had to put it some place.

Yeah, and it'd break Uncle Woody's heart

if he thought that we took it.

So you want him to think that I took it?

Sure, why not?

Alright, I want to know who is responsible

for taking that chalk and hiding it in my desk.

- Alright, it was my idea. - I took the chalk.

I opened the desk drawer.

And I stuck the chalk inside it.

And I... closed the drawer.

[laughing]

You guys really stick together, don't you?

[all] Mm-hmm!

Alright, by tomorrow morning, from each and every one of you

I want a 500 word essay...

- Oh! - Oh, man!

...on how to be a human being.

- Come on. - I don't believe this.

I really don't. It's like "The Exorcist" or somethin'.

I think, I think Woodman has taken over his body.

Hey, Woodman, you in there?

I'm in here by myself, Barbarino.

What is it really, Mr. Kotter?

I mean ever since we made nice with Uncle Woody

you've been crawlin' up our backs.

Hey, that's right, man. What's with you?

- You, you jealous or what? - Ooh.

Me, jealous of Father Flanagan?

All I know is you been turnin' into a real louse, really.

- Yeah, that's true. - That's true.

Alright, quiet! That is it!

Let's get this straight, alright?

This is a school! A school! You're in a school!

And I'm a school teacher! That means I am the boss!

Do you understand that?

[rustling on speaker]

[Lazarus] I'm still waiting to get my bell back.

Ding-dong.

Saved by the bell.

Alright, alright, alright, let's go. Come on.

- What's with you, man? - No one leaves until I say so.

- Hey, you gotta get... - Sit down!

You too. Sit down!

Uncle Woody.

Alright, I am fed up! You understand that?

I'm sick, of all of you. Of your contempt.

Your arrogance, your disrespect.

I know what you're trying to do.

[chuckling]

Well, it's not gonna work!

Nobody's gonna make me crazy, understand that?

No one is gonna make me crazy!

I think we made him crazy.

Kotter, Kotter, you gotta relax. I mean, loosen up.

- I'm not crazy. - Have a few drinks.

Nice dinner. Quiet conversation with friends.

That is if you have any left

after that disgusting performance.

You know, Kotter, you're beginning to sound

a little like me be-before I became, uh, a great guy.

Mr. Woodman.

How would you like to go back to being you?

What for? I mean I'm happy being not me.

Yeah, but if you're not you then I can't be me.

And then I gotta be somebody. So I become you.

- How's it feel? - Terrible!

Look, I am a better teacher than I am a disciplinarian.

But the school has gotta have a disciplinarian.

I know being Mr. Woodman is a rotten job.

But somebody's gotta do it.

- What's that, Kotter? - What?

- That? - What?

The missing yellow chalk. Freeze! Freeze!

You... You're all in it together, weren't ya?

And you too, Kotter.

I don't suppose that you'd be interested

in quieting down and conducting

a calm, rational investigation?

I am being totally calm!

I am dealing with Sweathogs and one approaches Sweathogs

only with total iron-fisted authority.

And that includes a Sweathog disguised as a teacher.

[all] Ooh...

Now, Kotter, I want every stick of that chalk returned

to my office together with a written explanation

of how it came to be in your desk drawer.

And you will be assisted in this task

by the members of your class.

- Hey... - Hey, man.

And now, you pack of howling baboons...

...go to your next class.

Come on, boogie!

[theme music]

Oh, Kotter, I guess, uh...

I guess I am really good at...

...being Mr. Woodman, aren't I?

You certainly are. You're the worst.

You know, I really missed him.

So did I.

Welcome back, Mr. Woodman.

Wipe that smile off your face, Kotter.

Woodman's back in town.

- A guy walks into a bar. - What guy?

Whatever. A guy walks into a bar, orders two martinis.

- Right. You with me so far? - Yeah.

Somebody I don't know is in a bar and he orders.

Two martinis, drinks one martini

pours the second one in his breast pocket.

From his breast pocket you hear...

[slurping]

Orders two more martinis, drinks one

second one over here, you hear...

[slurping]

The bartender looks at this guy funny.

I should imagine.

This guy orders ten martinis, drinks five

the other five in his breast pocket and you keep hearing...

[slurping]

The bartender's gettin' mad, he says

"Alright, you fella, you're a weirdo. Get outta here."

Guy looks at the bartender and says

[imitating a drunk] "I don't have to leave this bar.

"I am a citizen and I pay taxes

and I'm gonna punch you right in the nose."

And from his breast pocket a little mouse

peers over the top and goes

"And that goes for your stupid cat too."

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place ♪

♪ That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪♪