Original subtitles

How's it goin', honey?

Great. The kids are writing little compositions

about their parents.

Did I ever tell you when I was young

I always thought that I was adopted?

No. Really?

My parents never said anything.

So one day I decided I'll just go and ask.

Good for you.

The day I graduated from Buchanan

went right to my father, had my diploma in my hand

I looked him straight in the eye.

I said, "Ling Chow..."

I said, "Was I adopted?"

He said, "No, you're not adopted.

You rented."

[theme music]

[John Sebastian singing "Welcome back"]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

Vote for Vinnie.

Barbarino for president. That's my man.

Barbarino for president.

Hey.

Hey.

Perhaps you didn't hear me, huh?

I said, Barbarino for president.

Now, I want you to be wearing that

when I see you at sixth period, eh?

[bell ringing]

Oh, uh, Kotter.

Kotter, I don't believe this, but I understand

one of your Sweathogs, uh, one of your, uh

remedial academics is, uh...

...is, uh, running for Student Body President.

It's okay, Mr. Woodman, you can use the word.

Sweathog is a term of affection and endearment.

Uh, well, since one of your Sweathogs has decided to run

I think you better have a copy of the campaign regulations.

I suggest you have your group memorize 'em.

They might chant them every morning.

Hey, what's the big deal? Vinnie's not the first

Sweathog who ever ran.

Oh, that's right. Uh, back in 1962

Jerry Slater was disqualified for stuffing

the ballot box with his opponent.

Look, don't worry about Vinnie, Mr. Woodman.

You just make sure the other candidates follow the rules.

Kotter, the other candidates happen to be Scott Phillips

and Judy Borden.

Scott, as you know, is captain of the debating team.

Judy is a straight A student.

She started the committee for student's rights.

- Oh, she started that? - Nobody's perfect, Kotter.

You're really an enlightened educator, Mr. Woodman.

It's too bad you didn't work at "Boys Town."

You could have kept Mickey Rooney after school

for being short.

I never thought of Mickey Rooney as being short.

Hi, Scott.

"Don't be a clot. Vote for Scott."

I didn't know you was runnin' for president, Scott.

Ain't you gonna vote for Vinnie?

Hey, what do you think, Mr. Kotter?

I don't know, I haven't seen that many teeth since "Jaws."

Hey, Vinnie.

If you are president, I'll be first lady.

Hey, now, wait, now, don't get carried away.

Remember, a woman's place is in the car.

Sorry, I'm late, Mr. Kotter.

But a campaign manager's work is never done.

I was busy beating up the vote.

Epstein.

That's getting out the vote.

Voters who are beat up, cannot get out the vote. Right?

Yeah, that's what I meant, get out.

[Kotter] Okay. Now, the idea, the principle behind an election

is to show you how our system works.

Now, what would you all wanna do

if this was a real presidential campaign?

Not get caught.

Hey, yo, man.

Me as your Presidential Press Secretary

Frederick "Scoop Scoop" Washington.

Okay.

Come here, Washington.

You got the spirit. Now, let's see what kind of

press secretary you'd make.

No comment.

I haven't asked you a question yet.

Oh, I'm just practicing. Go ahead.

[chuckles]

What is Barbarino's position on student dress codes?

Well, I'll say this about that.

Mr. Barbarino has been studying the matter

on student dress codes very carefully.

And definitely believes that students should be dressed.

[all laughing]

What about student, uh, vandalism?

Vandals should be dressed too.

Can you please answer the question?

- What question? - The question I just asked you.

- What was that? - I don't know, I forgot.

It's okay, Mr. Kotter.

It happens to me all the time.

I raise my hand and I forget what I was gonna say.

Maybe you was gonna aks to leave the room.

I'm the teacher, Arnold. I don't have to aks.

- Yeah, right. - Okay, Barbarino--

But if you have to leave the room

it's okay with me anyway.

I'll try remember that, Arnold.

- Okay. - Can I continue now?

Oh, go ahead, go ahead.

Okay. Barbarino, you got yourself a press secretary.

Now, you need a cabinet.

What for, Mr. Kotter? He's already got a locker.

[all laughing]

Hey, Vinnie, how about a nice, soft cabinet job for me?

Like, uh, secretary of fear or somethin' like that.

Why not, Epstein, you're already

my campaign manager and my right hand man.

Hey, what about me? Could I be one of your fingers?

- Sure. Pick one. - Uh...

Oh, wait, I'll make it easier. I'll mix 'em up.

You see, Mr. Kotter?

When I'm elected, my people get anything they want. Even you.

May-maybe I could get you, uh, promoted to a better class.

I appreciate the thought, Vinnie.

But you're goin' about this all wrong.

Look, if you wanna win, what you need is, uh, need a platform.

Oh, I-I already got a platform.

I'm a law and order candidate.

- I make the laws and... - I keep the order.

[laughing]

This is an election. This is not a military takeover.

You're goin' about this all wrong.

Come on. "Vote for Vinnie, and nobody gets hurt?"

A secretary of fear?

Look, why do you guys think a Sweathog has never been

elected president before?

'Cause nobody likes us.

No, because nobody has ever shown

the positive side of being a Sweathog.

Now, look who you're runnin' against.

Scott Phillips and Judy Borden.

Who? Judy Borden?

She's so fat.

She is so-o-o fat.

How fat is she?

She's so fat that last year she ran for homecoming queen

and was elected the float.

[laughing]

Come on, Vinnie. What about Scott Phillips, huh?

Most popular kid in school. Straight A student.

You wanna beat a guy like Scott

you gotta project something different.

Like what?

I don't know. Remember, it's all image.

Watch me.

Hi, there. My name is Vinnie Barbarino.

Dynamic young man on the move.

And remember, on election day, I want your support.

Vin is him.

Oh.

You see where I'm goin', Vinnie?

Yeah. Off the deep end.

[all laughing]

Get out there, talk to people. Listen to their problems.

Hi, there. I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

- Dynamic young man on the move. - And, uh, hi there to you.

I'm F. "Boom Boom" Washington. Dynamic ghetto dweller.

Standing still.

[laughing]

Okay, guys. Let's get serious.

You gotta make people who have

never met you wanna vote for you.

This is more than just a school assembly.

Pretend it's a big presidential campaign with the conventions.

You know, you've seen a convention on TV.

Hey, sure, man, that's where 8000 turkeys put on funny hats

sit on bridge chairs

and vote for the dude with the most balloons.

Not quite, Washington. It's really democracy in action.

This is how it'd go.

[tapping] Will the convention please come to order?

Alright. Oklahoma, how do you vote?

Mr. chairman.

Oklahoma, where corn grows as high as an elephant's eye.

casts six votes for Vinnie Barbarino.

[all cheering]

Kansas, how do you vote?

Mr. chairman, Kansas, the home of Dorothy, Toto

and the Wizard Of Oz

casts five votes for Vinnie Barbarino.

[all cheering]

Oregon, the first state to decriminalize marijuana

how do you vote?

Mr. chairman, Oregon casts all its votes, uh...

Seven votes, man, for uh...

...beautiful person, really, uh...

...Vinnie Barbarino.

[all cheering]

Mr. Vinnie Barbarino!

[all] Vinnie! Vinnie! Vinnie!

Vinnie! Vinnie! Vinnie!

Cut it. Stop.

Can I borrow your coat, please?

- My coat? - Yeah.

- Yeah, you can. - Thank you.

Hi, there.

I'm Vin Barbarino.

And I'm running for the office of student body president.

If elected, I promise less homework.

Now how you're gonna keep a promise like less homework?

If I'm elected, I'm gonna do less homework.

Okay. Sit down, Barbarino.

[all] Wooh.

Alright, now, you gotta say things

that the people are gonna believe.

You gotta make it like you have a vision for a better Buchanan.

Like you maybe have a great dream.

'Oh. I have great dreams sometimes.

Terrific, Horshack.

Barbarino, if we want to win, we gotta--

What is this "we" stuff?

I thought I was the guy who is runnin'.

You are. But if you wanna win

you just gotta do things the right way.

[bell rings]

- Go, Buchanan! - Go, Buchanan!

- Do we love you? - Aah!

I wanna talk to you.

Look, Vinnie, I'm trying to help you.

Now when you do your speech tomorrow

you got to look really good.

I got this great navy blue turtleneck sweater

it's got a little alligator on the pocket.

I don't want your image, I don't want your sweater

and I don't want your alligator.

Hey, Vinnie.

Look, I don't want to turn into somebody else. I like me.

And if me isn't good enough to be president

I don't want to be president.

I withdraw. You run.

You're the one with the alligator.

Hi, Mr. Kotter.

Hiya, Judy, Scott. What's happenin'?

Mr. Kotter, you can tell Barbarino and Epstein

that Judy and I are withdrawing from the election.

So would you mind tellin' Horshack to stop callin' me up

and breathin' into the phone?

Running for student body president of Buchanan...

...nobody.

[theme music]

Hey. Thanks for comin' in early, guys.

So this is the faculty lounge, huh?

Sort of the way I expected it to be, you know?

Dull. Hey, what do you teachers do here?

Play show and tell?

No. For fun, Epstein, we just sit around

and laugh at your test papers.

Hey, Vinnie, look at this. Look at this here.

Instant bouillon cubes.

Instant soup, instant broth.

None of this stuff is real.

Don't you know about teachers, Epstein?

We're not born. You just add hot water and stir.

Barbarino.

- Is he mad at me? - He ain't talkin'.

Come on, Vinnie. Let's talk it out.

Hey, I know that look, and he ain't talkin'.

If you wanna talk him, you talk to me.

Then I'll talk to him, then he'll talk to me

then I'll talk to you.

Simple.

Vinnie.

Hello.

Hello.

Tell him because I blew it

it's no reason he should blow it too.

Vinnie.

He says you're blowin' it.

[speaking in foreign language]

- What did he say? - He said...

[speaking in foreign language]

Well, what does he mean by that?

Vinnie, what do you mean by that?

I don't know. When my grandmother gets mad at me

she talks that way.

When his grandmother gets mad at him, she talks that way.

Okay, you tell him that

my grandmother has a message for his grandmother.

His grandmother has a message for your grandmother.

- What is it? - What is it?

[speaking in foreign language]

- What does that mean? - What does that mean?

Well, tell him that it means because he's bugged at me

that's no reason to cheat the Sweathogs

out of their first possible victory.

You're cheatin' us, man.

And tell him I have more faith in him.

Tell him I thought he's a leader.

So did I.

And tell him this is no time to cop out on his friends.

That's rotten, Vinnie. Rotten!

You don't deserve to be president, you know that.

That's it. I'm going to run for president.

- We don't need him. - You?

Epstein. You're my best friend and even I'd have trouble

votin' for a person like you.

You quit.

I only quit 'cause Mr. Kotter was making me

run with a phony image.

You're right, Vinnie. Let me tell you guys a story.

When I went to Buchanan I wanted to be

the student body president more than anything in the world.

But nobody gave me any inspiration.

They didn't believe a Sweathog could do anything.

Vinnie, I just didn't follow through.

But you got to follow through.

- Come on. - No, wait.

Wait a second, Epstein. Wait...

What you're trying to say is that I oughta run

as Vinnie Barbarino, all Sweathog and proud of it, right?

- That's right. - Which reminds me, Epstein.

For some strange reason, Scott Phillips and Judy Borden

have decided to withdraw from the race.

Imagine that.

I didn't tell anybody he couldn't run.

I just told Scott if he got elected

he'd lose use of his face.

I didn't think he was gonna take me seriously.

Well, you know, people are funny that way.

They get annoyed when you threaten their faces.

You mean... You mean, I'm already president?

- Yeah. - Well, that depends.

[Vinnie] On what?

On whether you're willing to win by scaring

people out of an election.

You want that kind of a hollow, unsatisfying victory?

Hey, man. Do you really want to win that way?

Yeah.

If they wanna quit, that's their decision.

The only thing is, I think maybe you help them decide, Epstein.

No, I wasn't gonna follow through.

Really. That's just my way.

Hey, you're not the only one with a story, Kotter.

This is the naked city, baby.

There's eight million stories out there, and I got one too.

You think it's easy being a Puerto Rican Jew? Huh?

You think it's easy growin' up in a house

with nine other Puerto Rican Jews?

Half my brothers were out stealin' pants.

The other half were alterin' 'em.

I mean like, I had to threaten people

just to get into the bathroom.

Who do you think you're talking to, Epstein?

When I was a kid, we didn't have a bathroom.

We had to use the Texaco station across the street.

Wasn't bad if you made in the light.

Get the point, Epstein. You're not the only one that's poor.

It doesn't give you the right to go around and threaten people.

Alright, alright. So what are we supposed to do now?

I don't know, I've just invited

Scott and Judy here for a little talk.

- You're buttin' in again, man. - No, I'm leaving.

It's up to you. Whatever you decide is okay with me.

I just did guarantee them a little

what you call "diplomatic immunity."

What does that mean?

It means their dental patterns are gonna remain unchanged.

Alrighty then, so we'll talk to 'em.

- Okay. See you guys later. - Right.

And, uh, I see Scott and Judy later too, huh?

- What do you think? - I think maybe he's right.

I mean, it's kind of like going to fight a guy

and then when you get there, he's already beat up.

[door opens]

[both] Hi.

He's coming. Hey, hey, hey. He's coming, he's coming.

[all cheering]

- Alright! - Alright, Vin.

Okay, don't you think we can hold off on the victory party

till we find out who won the election?

What're you talkin' about, Mr. Kotter?

- Vinnie's got it locked up-- - Mr. Kotter, you were so right.

I mean, without Scott runnin'

it would have been a hollow victory.

I feel, I feel like this is just the beginning.

Today, Buchanan, tomorrow, who knows?

- Alright. - Ah! Yay!

- Governor Barbarino. - Ooh!

- Senator Barbarino. - Yeah!

- Emperor Barbarino. - Hey!

[laughing]

You know, Julius Caesar was an Italian.

Alright, Your Majesty. If you'll get on your chariot

and go to your chair, we'll have time to take attendance.

We have a minute left Barbarino is here.

Cabenor is here.

Uh-oh. Straight time.

- Good morning, Mr. Kotter. - Mr. Woodman.

Good morning, students.

Well, this is the moment we've all been waiting for.

Gee, I'm sorry to hear you're leaving, Mr. Woodman.

I am referring to the results

of the student election, Mr. Kotter.

Vinnie! Vinnie!

Vinnie! Vinnie!

Who is that boy?

That's Arnold Horshack.

Strange.

I have a couple of announcements.

Ah... The pledge of allegiance is cancelled today.

I would appreciate very much the return of the flag.

And now, the election result.

- Alright. - Alright!

I am very happy to announce

that the new student body president of Buchanan

is Scott Phillips.

And for all of you who worked so hard

and fought so dirty and didn't win...

...no troubles.

The results, Mr. Kotter.

Have a good day, children.

[bell rings]

Hey, man, eh, that ain't no big thing.

Hey, Vinnie.

I'm gonna get 'em for what they did, Vinnie.

I'm gonna get 'em for what they did, Vinnie.

You did the best that you could.

Hey, come here.

Look at these results.

Judy Borden,11 votes, huh?

Vinnie Barbarino, 47 votes.

Scott Phillips, 322.

You really know how to cheer a guy up, don't you?

Hey, that means that 39 Sweathogs voted for you.

- You got through to them. - I did?

Right. There was somethin' in you that they responded to.

- Maybe it's my personality. - Well, maybe it was.

Maybe if I run next year, I could pick up

a couple of ten, twenty votes, you know?

Who knows, if I stay in school long enough.

I wonder if the president of the United States

has to be a high school graduate.

I lost.

But how could you lose? You weren't even running.

How come I feel like I lost?

'Cause you were buttin' in again, Kotter.

And now, from the great state of yesterday

memory nominates the oldest Sweathog, Gabe Kotter.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

What do you call that stuff?

You heard of chicken cacciatore?

Well, this is an old family delicacy.

It's called chicken cattatore.

You just made that up.

Would I do a thing like that?

- Yeah. - You're right.

[chuckles] This was handed down from generation to generation.

Really? How far back?

Well, it goes all the way back to my great ancestor

caveman Zock Kotter

who incidentally invented the chicken.

Really?

Then he invented garbage.

[theme music]

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

[male announcer] '"Welcome Back Kotter" was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back... ♪♪