Original subtitles

Honey, why don't we get a pet?

Hey, you know we're not allowed to have pets in this apartment.

No, I don't mean a dog or a cat.

Why don't we get a bird?

Hey, I ever tell you about the parrot my Aunt Eileen got?

No.

The only thing the parrot could say was who is it.

So she brought the parrot home

and she went out to get some parrot food.

While she was gone, the butcher comes to the door.

Knocks on the door. Parrot hears the knock and says

[mimicking parrot] "Who is it?"

Butcher says, "It's the butcher."

The parrot says, "Who is it?"

Butcher says, "It's the but..." This is a true story.

He says, "The butcher, the butcher!"

Butcher has a heart attack.

Falls down right in front of the door.

My aunt comes home, sees the butcher there.

She says, "Oh, my god! Who is it?"

Parrot says, "It's the butcher."

[male announcer] "Welcome Back, Kotter" has been recorded

live on tape before a studio audience.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

[coin clinks]

- No way, no way. - For real.

I win.

Hey, here's my man.

My man, how'd your big date go Saturday night?

Big date, man? You jivin', man. Who'd go out with him?

- Vinnie fixed it up. - That's right.

Due to my stupefying talent in females of the opposite sex...

...I managed to fix up a date...

...with the one, the only, Rosalie Totsy.

No, you mean...

[all] Hotsy Totsy!

You know, I remember the time I took Hotsy out.

- Hey! - We were in the movies.

Me and Hotsy at the beach.

- Right there I am walking-- - Hey, wait, wait, wait.

Let the man speak.

Go ahead. Tell us all about you and Hotsy.

Oh, okay.

I borrowed my old man's cab and went to pick her up.

Yo, get to the good part. Did anything happen?

Oh, right away. I forgot to turn the taxi sign off

and we had to bring six people to the airport.

- Sshh! - Arnold.

Arnold, I wanna thank you for last Saturday.

- I had a really nice time. - Hey, hot stuff.

Oh, baby, shake that cake. Go ahead.

If you guys don't knock it off, you're gonna be sorry.

[all laughing]

[bell ringing]

Hey, look, Hotsy. I wanted to thank you

for being so nice to my friend, Arnold here--

Oh, you big dumb...

You're gonna be sorry.

[crying]

Rosalie, come on. We're gonna be late for class.

[high pitched crying continues]

Rosalie, you okay?

Is something wrong?

Rosalie, you wanna go to the nurse?

Why don't you tell me what it is? I can help.

[crying continues] No.

Is it anything to do with schoolwork?

That figures.

A boy? Are you crying over a boy?

Okay, good. Now, we're gettin' somewhere.

Is it a boy from class? Boy from class.

Rosalie, I'm gonna go for the whole thing.

Give me a hint.

It's one word.

Two syllables in the word.

First syllable.

Something you eat.

You eat your hair?

You eat your ear?

Sounds like your hair.

Something that sounds like your hair. You eat it.

It's, it's, um, it's, uh...

A pear! A pear! A pear! Okay, that's it. The first.

Second syllable. Second syllable's hand.

It's crawling. A crawling hand?

A thing that's crawling on the ground.

A bug? A bug.

A-a-a small bug. Um, um, an ant.

Pair of ants.

Uh, pear-ants. I got it.

You and a boy from class are gonna be parents, right?

Parents?

[crying]

Rosalie, let me get this straight.

You're gonna have a baby?

And the father is one of the Sweathogs?

Yeah.

Rosalie, so you're gonna be, um, um, um, a mommy.

Who's, uh, who's gonna be the daddy?

He knows who he is, and he can step forward himself.

[crying]

Oh, sure, he'll step forward.

Why do I get involved with these kids?

Or even talk to them?

I might as well be talking to a stone wall.

I am talking to a stone wall.

Here-here's the shot, here's the shot, here's the shot.

[coin clinks]

Now, watch this. Watch this.

You're late.

That's your fourth tardy this semester.

Did you bring a note from your mommy?

[wheezy laughter]

Boy, what an honor.

In my class. All four Marx brothers.

Whacko, Stupo, Jerko, and Dummo.

Now, you clowns, come on, sit down.

We'll save the laughs for later.

I have something very serious

that I would like to discuss today.

I would like to talk about responsibility.

About you being accountable for your own actions.

I'd like to talk about...

[snoring]

Now, Washington, I know that

you're only pretending to be asleep.

Oh, no, I'm not, man. I'm sleepin'.

I can just tell this is gonna be another one of

your boring speeches.

Open your eyes, Washington.

Or I'm gonna clap out the erasers on your head.

♪ Rise and shine ♪♪

Alright, forget serious.

I'm gonna talk about hoods.

[all] Oh, yeah.

Okay. As we all know, there are many different kinds of hoods.

There is childhood.

Brotherhood.

Sisterhood.

Robin Hood.

Fatherhood!

I got another great idea.

We're gonna play a game.

[all] Alright.

Okay, now, a simple game. I'm gonna say a word.

Then, I'm gonna point to somebody in the class

and you say the first word that comes

to your head. Right? Simple.

Baby.

Darling.

- Sweetheart. - Honey.

We gotta stop meeting like this.

New word, new word, new word.

- Pregnant. - Uh, Camp Feldman!

Camp Feldman?

Yeah. It's where my sister went last summer.

[all laughing]

[bell ringing]

I wanna see all the boys after class. All the boys.

- Come on. - What's this man?

We didn't do nothing.

I'm glad you did that, Mr. Kotter

'cause I've something to say

about responsibility too.

Go ahead, go ahead.

I'm pregnant.

Rosalie, I didn't know

you went to Camp Feldman.

And one of you guys is responsible.

Well, I really would like to go on chatting all day, fellows

but I must catch a train.

See ya.

I'll see you in church, Mr. Kotter.

Uh, Rosalie, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, Arnold. Shoot.

Rosalie, are you busy on Saturday?

Why?

You wanna get married?

Why would I wanna do that for?

'Cause I like you

and I wanna make you honest.

And I wanna give your baby a name.

You know, Horshack's a very old and respected name.

It means the cattle are dying.

[indistinct]

That's really sweet of you, Arnold.

But... I wanna marry the father of my baby.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you think about it.

At least, if you married me, you wouldn't be Hotsy Totsy no more.

I'd be Hotsy Horshack?

Rosalie, uh, can you meet me here after your last class?

I'd like you to come home with me tonight.

Sure.

And you can call me Hotsy. See ya.

The cattle are dying?

I don't know where Julie is.

She's supposed to be home by now.

I mean, she should be here any minute.

Oh, relax.

Be a guest.

This is my apartment.

I figured.

That's my window.

Well, why don't you sit down here on your couch?

That's my table.

That's the carpet on the floor there.

Look, Mr. Kotter, you don't have to feel uncomfortable.

I understand what you're trying to do.

I know how hard it is for a person of the older generation

to cope with sex.

And I really wanna thank you.

Ahem. Hi.

Hi-i.

Julie, you've heard me speak of Rosalie Totsy.

Sure. Nice to meet you, Hotsy.

Julie, uh...

...may I have a little word alone, okay?

Alone? In this apartment?

Rosalie, why don't you listen to some music, huh?

Here. You're cleared for take-off.

Julie, I'm glad you came here when you did because just--

- Oh, the lipstick? - Yeah.

That was really funny.

- Just as you walked in. - That was hysterical.

She was kissing...

[laughs]

Well, it was like a gratitude type of kiss.

Uh, it was, she was, basically what she was doing was

thanking me because she's gonna have a baby.

Oh.

Yeah, well, um, you see, uh, she won't, uh...

Julie, you don't believe it.

Oh, no, but you just keep on talking.

Julie, Rosalie's gonna have a baby and the father's

one of the boys in my class and she won't tell me who it is.

So I brought her here so you could do me a favor, find out.

Come on, Julie. You gotta help me.

I don't know what else to do.

Why don't you talk to her parents?

Because she trusts me not to.

She says her parents will kill her.

Especially her father.

Reverend Totsy.

Julie, let us reminisce for a while.

Return with me now to those thrilling days of yesteryear.

Last yesteryear, my last birthday

when you didn't have money to buy me a present.

- Oh. - So what did you do?

Well, instead you gave me this.

[chuckles]

"This card entitles the bearer to one giant favor.

Happy birthday. Love, Julie."

Aren't I cute?

Well, I guess I'll just leave you two alone to talk.

I'll take out the garbage.

I already took out the garbage.

I'll make new garbage.

Rosalie, I'll be back in a minute.

I'm gonna take out the garbage.

So...

...this is our apartment.

That's our window.

Uh, I've already been through this with your husband.

I've seen it all, Mrs. Kotter.

Look, Rosalie, my husband told me about your problem.

In this day and age

how did you ever get yourself in such a mess?

What I mean is...

...haven't you ever heard of family planning?

You can't plan a family in a '57 Chevy.

Rosalie, just how pregnant are you?

[clears throat]

I'm-I'm pretty pregnant.

No, I'm looking for a number.

- Two months? Three? Four? - Four.

Really? You don't look it.

- Okay, two. - Aren't you sure?

What about three? You know, I was never very good at math

Mrs. Kotter. I, I just wanna get married and have my baby.

And, uh, and I want the father to step forward

because he loves me, not because, not because

someone forced him into it.

Hi, how we doing?

Got to know each other yet? Hey, you need some more time?

I'll make some more garbage.

Wow, he's just as freaky at home as he's in school.

She didn't learn nothing neither. Bye.

I wanna know, and I wanna know now!

Have you ever dated Rosalie Totsy?

What was the question?

You heard the question. What's the answer?

Hey, Vinnie, tell him about Lowe's Oriental.

How the "Ten Commandments" was on the screen

and you and Hotsy was in the balcony

breakin' nine of 'em.

[all laughing]

Alright, what about the balcony at Lowe's Oriental?

So maybe I exaggerated a little.

Turkey.

One of you is responsible.

You ain't gonna pin this rap on me. I know my rights.

This isn't courtroom, Epstein.

This is a classroom.

And you don't have any rights.

I wanna know, and I wanna know now.

Have you ever dated Rosalie Totsy?

[indistinct whispering] I did date her a couple of times, but...

I can't hear you.

Yeah, yeah I went out with Rosalie

but nothin' ever happened.

[all laughing]

Hey, it was the first time in my life that nothin' ever happened.

Hey, man, what about the time you told me

you was at Coney Island beach?

You said you and Hotsy made an imprint in the sand

that the lifeguards are still talkin' about.

[laughing]

What about you, Mr. Laughs?

I believe I'm allowed one phone call.

Just tell me about you and Rosalie.

Ain't nothin' to tell, man.

I ain't never even dated that chick.

- Then, why'd you say you did? - Why not?

I am deeply disappointed.

You can't even trust a guy named Washington

to tell you the truth.

So I guess that settles it, huh?

Congratulations, Horshack. You're the father.

[all cheering]

Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

He only went out with that chick last weekend.

And I thought I was a fast worker.

I'd like to thank everybody who voted for me.

But I think you ought to know Rosalie says I didn't do it.

So nobody did it?

I think we should put a candle in the window

because the last time this happened

three wise men came from the East.

Okay, that's it!

Somebody in here is lying.

Now, I am gonna find out who.

and I'm gonna find out right now.

Thanks for droppin' in.

Okay, Rosalie, you stay here.

The rest of you girls, back to the library.

How're we gonna learn anything?

Listen, I don't mind if they stay. I've got nothin' to hide.

All the boys get up and get against the wall.

[all clamoring]

- Get against the wall. - Oh, man.

Rosalie, I insist that you identify the father

and I insist that you do it right now.

[clears throat]

Bet they all denied it.

Boy! Did they deny it.

You still denyin' it?

[all] Yeah.

Well, if they all said nothin' ever happened

then, I guess I'm not pregnant.

[all] What?

Huh?

Hey, can she do that?

Not pregnant?

You're not pregnant?

Rosalie, why did you tell me that you were?

Mr. Kotter, do you've any idea what it's like

going through life as Hotsy Totsy?

Bein' treated like you're easy when you ain't.

Even you believed them.

So, well, that's when I decided, gettin' even

would be the best revenge.

Now, I got all these clowns on record.

It's official. I ain't easy.

I'm a lady.

[bell rings]

- Arnold? Arnold? - Huh?

Uh, uh-uh, I wanna thank you for being so valiant

while I was pregnant.

You're a true gentlemen.

And if you're still free for Saturday, so am I.

We can go to the airport. Alone this time.

Who knows?

[thud]

Rosalie...

...I still don't understand one thing.

Why? Just tell me why.

Why did you involve me in this?

Oh, that's easy, Mr. Kotter.

Because you're always buttin' in where you don't belong.

But thank you.

Oh, yes.

Used by a woman once again.

And then just cast aside.

Oh, Kotter!

Gabe, I've been thinking.

Maybe you're not too young to be a father.

Julie, we talked about this before we were married.

We both decided that we should wait for a while.

It's been a while.

No, it hasn't.

It's not gonna be a while, uh...

...for a while.

Go to sleep.

Gabe, don't you want a family?

I have a family.

You're my family.

And I just wanna keep it that way.

For a while.

I love you.

I love you, honey.

Good. Tomorrow call my mother and explain to her

why you're not pregnant.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪