Original subtitles

- Julie, come on. - Get out of bed.

- I was in a really great dream. - Come on.

Oh, come on, take the pillows out.

- Why'd you do that for? - You're stalling.

I'm not stalling...

...I'm not goin'.

Ah, again!

Honey, just be happy that you've been assigned anywhere.

A lot of new teachers can't find jobs at all.

Julie, James Buchanan is not anywhere.

It's in Bensonhurst, which is in Brooklyn.

Which is where I spent four degenerate years as a student.

You know how rough that is?

The gangs there don't use guns.

They insert the bullets manually.

[male announcer] "Welcome Back Kotter" has been recorded

live on tape before a studio audience.

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Here where we need ya ♪

♪ Here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[Kotter] I'll never forget that first day

back at Buchanan as a teacher.

That's me, the cute one on the left.

That's Vice Principle Woodman.

He's the kind of guy who drinks prune juice

'cause he likes the taste.

When I was a student he always blamed me

for the cafeteria riot, well, that was ten years ago.

I'm sure the man has forgotten all about it by now.

What about the cafeteria riot?

[Kotter] He hasn't forgotten.

The cafeteria riot? I was there, okay.

I was an innocent bystander.

Were it not for my faulty memory

I would seem to remember you bystanding on top of a table

shouting, "Charge."

That wasn't be, Mr. Woodman. That was Crazy Delany.

No, no, Kotter, no, no.

No, Delany was the maniac who dropped two teachers

of different weights... from the gymnasium window...

...to see if they hit the ground at the same time.

He said it was a physics experiment.

Look, Mr. Woodface.

These things, they happened a long time ago.

I'm a different person, you're a different person.

- Things change. - No, you're wrong.

No, you're wrong, nothing changes.

Remember my motto. Conquer thyself, Kotter.

Conquer thyself.

Right here in the hall?

You haven't changed a bit, Kotter.

You still have straight mouth.

I have a degree in teaching, Mr. Woodman

that's why I'm here.

You wanna teach?

Alright, teach, I'm giving you back your own.

The special guidance remedial academics group.

You're giving me the Sweathogs?

For you, who's class launched that revolting name they're...

...Sweathogs... to me, they're... remedial Sweathogs.

Mr. Woodman, do you really think it's a great idea--

Mr. Kotter, you will find the first day is still in room 118.

Good morning.

I'm your, ah, new homeroom teacher.

My name is Mr. Kotter.

I am looking forward to a meaningful

learning experience for everybody.

[as student] A meaningful learning experience, Mr. Kotter, wow.

Tell us more.

[normal voice] Oh, I'll be delighted to.

I'll also be your social studies instructor.

[as student] Social studies? That's one of our favorite.

Can we begin right now?

[normal voice] Well, as soon as I get your names

I guess we'll get right into it.

[as student] Great, oh, goody, goody, goody!

Now that I have succeeded in establishing a relationship...

... a rapport between myself and myself

I'd like to know who you are.

Let us begin over here.

No, no... we're gonna start over here.

Okay, we'll start over here.

Barbarino... Vinnie Barbarino.

This is my place... and these, these are my people.

[students cheering]

Thank you, ah, Chairman Barbarino.

Who is this?

That, that is Epstein.

The toughest kid in school.

Voted, Most Likely to take a Life.

Epstein huh?

[speaking in Spanish]

Epstien.

From San Juan.

- Your mother's Puerto Rican? - No, my father.

My mother's name is Bibbermann.

I really didn't know, you know

that there were Epsteins in Puerto Rico.

Oh, there weren't...

...until the winter of '38.

When a boat carrying a shivering Lu Epstein

from Odessa to the Bronx, stopped in San Juan.

"Oye," my grandfather said.

"Look at the palm trees. Feel this heat.

Look at this tan, aye, who needs Miami?"

From that day on, there were Epsteins in San Juan!

[students cheering]

That's very interesting, ah, Epstein.

What's your favorite subject?

Assault.

Man, you tell them Puerto Rico. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha... hi, there.

I'm Freddie... Washington.

Freddie Boom Boom Washington.

What's the Boom Boom for?

♪ Boom boom boom boom boom ♪♪

I get it, I get it. You play the bass.

No, man, I just like to be doing this.

- Ha ha ha. - Ha ha ha.

Who are you?

He's Horshack.

Horshack doesn't talk?

He talks when I tell him to talk.

Is that so, Horshack? You need him to tell you to talk?

You say nothing on your own volition?

Tell him to talk.

Talk, Horshack.

Hello.

How are ya?

I'm Arnold Horshack.

Which Arnold Horshack?

Arnold Horshack, the last.

Why the last, Horshack?

Because, ah, after they made me, they broke the mold. Ha ha.

What else can you make him do?

Oh, the Hunchback, aks me to do the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Alright, alright, alright.

Horshack, would you do the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

This is great. Here...

Ahh, ahh, ahh.

Esmeralda, come ring my bells.

[students laughing]

Well look, you're a very interesting group of kids

and I'd love to go on talking to you forever.

But it's time to play "Let's go to school."

I'm sorry, Barbarino, but this is my class.

Okay, I want you to listen to me and listen closely.

Pick up your chairs and move them

to wherever you like to sit.

And sit with anybody you have a relationship with.

[as student] Why should we do that, Mr. Kotter?

Why should we move our chairs? Huh, huh?

[normal voice] Well, because this way you'll be more inclined to study.

You'll be in study groups... do it!

Gang, this is what you call a study group.

This, ah, study group... to study what?

You study whatever grabs you.

Wanna study American History? Great.

Civics, far out. Current Events, fantastic.

On the other hand, if you like to study

how to look in and sit in a line up.

That's great.

You like to study how to speak clearly

with a stocking over your head, terrific.

Whatever grabs you.

The only thing that grabs Horshack

is in a brown paper wrapper.

[students shouting]

Alright, alright, alright.

- 'Oh'! - 'Oh'!

I'm into recycling paper.

I was about to turn it in.

Mr. Kotter, I have an idea.

Why don't we take one of those chicks

and put her up on the wall...

...so our study group may study her.

- Right. - Yeah.

Mr. Kotter?

[Vinnie] Mr. Kotter, what you lookin' at?

I just, ah, reading a biography.

[Freddie] Yeah.

Sit down, Horshack.

I might do that, Barbarino, if your study group would write

a report on censorship, the effect on the male teenager.

Yeah, well, Barbarino don't write no reports for no one.

Barbarino don't write no reports.

What does Barbarino do beside give orders?

Aye, Vinnie's the ranking champ of Brooklyn.

Take a bow, Vinnie.

[students cheering]

You mean, ah, insulting?

- Chopping, sounding. - The dozens.

The dozens... okay, Barbarino...

...let's see how much talent you got.

You're asking for it, Kotter.

You're right, I'm askin' for it.

Up your nose with a rubber hose.

- Woah! - Woah, oh-oh!

Washington, go to the blackboard and write that down under 1975.

Another one, Barbarino.

I heard you had an idea once.

But it died of loneliness.

- Alright. - Come on, Barbarino.

That the best you can do?

Eh, off my case, toilet-face.

[students hooting]

That is the way. I'm doin' terrific.

Okay, now, Washington, go to the other side of the board

write down,1965.

Eh, Barbarino, I understand your sister's rotten to the core.

But wonderful to the infantry.

- Ooh! - Oh!

Yeah and they tell me your father got a new job last week.

He became a skin diver for Roto-Rooter.

[students laughing]

Yeah and the word's out that your mother--

Eh, not my mother.

- Your aunt. - Not my mother.

Your aunt... is so low

she plays handball against the curb.

Not my mother, the woman is completely holy.

Okay. Thank you, Washington.

Now, I think we have some clues here

to how our society has changed in the last ten years.

This is very interesting. Notice.

1975, the attack is direct upon me.

I am described as a toilet-face...

...who's one idea has died of loneliness.

And if Mr. Barbarino had his way

would be walkin' around with a rubber hose

stickin' out of his nose.

[Kotter] However, in 1965, it's different.

The attack is not upon me but upon my family.

My sister, who is described as--

Mr. Woodman.

Kotter, what's going on here?

What's happened to this room?

The seats, the blackboard, this desk.

Your mouth? Have you gone berserk?

I'm tryin' to teach my class, Mr. Woodman.

Pollute, Kotter, the word's pollute, you're maniac.

You were a maniac remedial academic student.

Now you're a maniac remedial academic teacher.

Ten years has changed nothing.

You're a Sweathog now, you were a Sweathog then.

Mr. Woodman, I'm trying to reach these kids.

I'm using whatever works and I think it's working.

Horshack, tell him why you're sittin' over there?

Barbarino, why did you move your chair?

Washington...

[bell ringing]

What was that you were saying, Kotter?

I will not allow you or anybody else

to come in this room and chew me out in front of my class.

I'm a respectable human being.

I am a teacher, I'm a husband.

I am not a 16 year old Sweathog.

Anything else, Kotter?

Yes, up your nose with a rubber hose.

[indistinct chatter from TV]

You copped out, Gabe.

Eh, off my case, toilet-face.

What?

I'm sorry, baby.

Julie, I tried. I really tried.

It just didn't happen.

Thomas Wolfe was right, you can't go home again.

Don't worry, somethin' will come along.

Bills will come along.

And then bill collectors.

Large, meaty fellows

who feed on other people's furniture and cars.

We don't have a car.

They'll eat our subway.

We're not gonna starve. I know what to do.

Tomorrow morning, sow rubber pockets in all my pants

and I'll go to the automat and steal soup.

Julie, I wanna be a teacher more than anything in the world.

But I wanna go to place where I have some effect on my students.

Basically, that's what I want.

I want students, real students, not hitmen in waiting.

Ahh-hh...

Kotter, how you doin'?

Hey, Mr. Kotter, man, you-you should keep your windows locked.

There's a whole lot of ghetto trash walkin' about these days.

Alright, look, Barbarino, Washington

you came in through the window, you have no right to be here.

You're leavin', don't ever come back here again.

This is my home. You understand that?

Okay, alright.

I understand.

I know why you're all here. And I really appreciate it.

I think it's a very nice gesture of you but it didn't work out.

There's no way I'm going back.

There's just no way I'll go back.

No one wants you back, Kotter.

Why did you come here?

Well we just wanted to see how the founding Sweathog lives.

[laughs] Hey, look, we can't stay long, we got a cab waiting downstairs.

You took a cab?

We're gonna give it back.

You stole a cab?

No, no, no, no, it's Horshack's father's cab.

You can't steal a guy's father's cab, you can't.

Then why'd we tie him up, Vinnie?

Huh? Hey, hey, why did we tie him up?

Wow, I bet you get a lot of action around here.

[Vinnie] That chick in your study group?

That happens to be my wife, Barbarino.

Hi, everybody. I'm Julie.

I'm leaving your mother out of it

if you leave my wife out of it.

The woman's holy. Completely holy.

You know, I think it's just terrific

that you guys are married.

Every so often, Vinnie wants to marry me.

Last time it was behind the billboards on 84th Street.

Hey, look, photo albums!

- Ooh, great! - Oh, yeah!

Okay, wait a second.

If you want something, you ask for it. You don't grab.

[sighing] Come on, honey, show them.

Ask, don't grab.

- Come on. - Can I?

- Alright. - Alright.

Just for a couple of minutes.

Here, let's see what we have here.

Aw, isn't that a cute flower?

Did you wear it to your senior prom?

I bet it looked lovely on your old gown?

That was my date's.

Well what's it doin' here?

She didn't show up.

[students] Aww.

Aw, honey.

Hey, yo, Mr. Kotter, you got any pictures in that book

of when you didn't have your... afro?

Let me see, I think we have a few.

That? That guy is you?

What a shlup.

[all laughs]

That's, that's not me, ah, that's not me.

That's my friend, ah, Morty the shlup.

Ha ha ha.

- Cut it. - Ha ha ha.

[coughs]

- Who's the chick? - Ha ha.

Her name's Ellen.

You got nothing to worry about with this woman, Mrs. Kotter.

She's a dog, yeah.

My sister is not a dog, Barbarino.

We-we can't stay, we would love to stay but we can't.

And you know why? 'Cause Horshack is buyin' us

all hotdogs in Nathans, you see.

Yeah, we just wanted to see

what happens to a Sweathog

who leaves Buchanan without handcuffs on.

- What do you think? - It ain't any different, huh?

You got one room, you sleep on a sofa.

Your, ah, kitchen's in middle of the living room.

And you still gotta lock the windows to keep the bums out.

- Thanks a lot, Epstein. - Yeah.

Mr. Kotter, it was very nice meeting you, it really was.

And I'm sorry about that job but you know what?

You're gonna find one that's better suited for you.

And Mrs. Kotter, you know, I'm gonna come back

and I'm gonna teach you how to make lasagna.

How do you like that? We'll come back and have a party

and we'll have a good time.

- Alright, let's go. - Bye.

Out the door. Washington, will you go out the door?

Come on, you two. Get away from that apartment.

It's all cheap stuff over there.

Those people are on a budget.

That's it, pack your things. We're leaving tomorrow.

I like them.

We'll go to Nebraska.

Okay, honey, whatever you decide, I'll be there.

- Hah. - Ha ha ha.

[laughing]

What're you laughing at?

Somebody just stole your television and you're laughing.

He brought it back.

That makes a big difference.

[sighing] Gabe, did you except to win them all over in one day?

You know what's botherin' you, honey?

The fact that it is very hard for you to accept...

...that the best part of you grew up in the streets.

Julie, baby, if it wasn't for you...

What?

...I would've married somebody else.

Oh, no, please no.

- Hi. - You quit, Kotter.

Like a prayer that was answered, you quit.

You set up my nose with a rubber hose.

Remove the hose, Mr. Woodman. I'm back.

You want me out, you gotta fire me.

I don't want trouble with the board of education.

You know how I hate trouble with the board of education.

I guess you're stuck with me then, huh?

- Eh, look whois back! - Here we go again.

- Round two. - Hey, Mr. Kotter.

What's happenin', bro?

Good morning.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, I'm glad you're back.

You know what, I've decided.

I wanna do a report on male chauvinism.

Yeah, well I'm gonna do a report on the rip-off woman's movement.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, I'm gonna do a report on the implications

of socializations of Puerto Rican Jews.

- You got it, Epstein. - Hey, yo, Mr. Kotter.

Dig.

♪ Boom boom boom boom boom ♪♪

I got it, I got it, Washington.

You wanna write a report on playing the bass.

No, man, I want to pretend to write a report

on playing the bass.

Ah, Kotter.

I, ah, I don't quite know what's going on here.

- But I will say this. - Yes?

I am one hell of a principle.

- You? - I finally got them motivated.

How about me? Didn't I have anything--

You, Kotter, you are a perfect

example of what I can do once

I put my mind to it.

I mean think about it.

I mean, if not for me, you'd have turned out

to be just another hood.

I don't know what to say, Mr. Woodman.

Except, as principles go, you certainly don't have any.

Now keep up the good work, won't you children.

We still have a ways to go here, Kotter.

Welcome back.

[indistinct dialogues]

[applause]

[theme song]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Yeah where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him... ♪♪