Original subtitles

You know, honey, coming back to the old neighborhood

brings back a lot of memories.

I remember when I was nine years old

this bully, Tommy O' Shaughnessy would pick on me every day.

Oh, honey.

I told my father and he said

"Son, a bully is nothin' but a coward.

"Go up to him tomorrow, tell him he's a coward.

I guarantee he'll never pick on you again."

Good for him.

Next day I went up to Tommy and said

"Look, my father explained to me.

"You're a coward. So if you don't bother me anymore

I won't tell anybody you're a coward."

- You know what he did? - No. What did he do?

Got on his bike, rode away

went to my house and beat up my father.

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Here where we need ya ♪

♪ Here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Cause we've got him on the spot welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back welcome back ♪♪

[alarm ringing]

Gabe, are you awake?

No, I'm asleep.

Come on. It's time to get up for school.

There's a test today. I don't wanna go to school today.

Honey, you're a teacher now.

You don't have to take tests anymore. You give 'em.

Oh, yeah.

Whoo-o-ooii!

Oh, you're sore from playing ball yesterday, aren't you?

No, I'm not.

Well, then, what was that noise you just made?

What noise?

Whoo-o-ooii!

That noise.

I have never heard you make that noise before.

I don't believe it.

That noise, that's my father's noise.

That's the noise my father makes when he gets up in the morning.

But he didn't start to make that noise till he was 40.

I'm too young to be makin' my father's noise.

Go on and take a hot bath, honey. You'll feel better.

I always hated that noise. I couldn't stand it

when he started to make that noise.

But he was 40 before...

- Oh, my God. - What's wrong?

This is my father's walk.

[snapping fingers]

Hey, Vinnie, have you seen my--

Shh! Horshack, the man is studying for the test.

[humming]

- Freddie. - Hey, it's Washington.

Fall back, baby. Have no fear

Mr. Wonderful is here.

- You made in the team! - Yeah!

Man, from now on it's the easy life for me.

I'm gonna be a star.

And stars ain't got to do nothin' but... shoot baskets.

Freddie, you're gonna need a manager, right?

Hey, I'm way ahead of you, baby.

Alright. Alright. Now first-first, I negotiate

the college scholarship.

Right, right.

Then after college, we sign a fat contract

with the New York Knicks.

Whoo!

Endorses, fringe benefits, commercials.

Hey, you ready for that?

- Ye-yeah, I'm ready for that. - Alright, let's do one.

- Yeah, yeah. - A commercial!

Okay, Freddie, your on.

Hi there.

I'm just sitting here in my palatial Fifth Avenue mansion.

About to have another generous helping of my famous

Fast Freddie's French fried chicken fingers.

They're finger-chicken good.

Stick with me you'll be up to your fro and dough.

Oh, and groupies. They'll be crawling all over you.

I never thought about groupies.

Maybe I should try out for the team, huh?

Hey, Epstein, you're too short.

[Epstein] Oh, yeah?

I'll lie about my height, Amos.

What is this, The Flying Wallendas?

[all] Hey, hey, hey.

Okay, as you know, we are having an exam today.

Which explains this green bucket over here in my right hand.

Epstein and Barbarino, please roll up your sleeves.

What for?

Hey, come on. It's against the constitution.

What do you think, this is democracy here?

Hey, good boy, Epstein.

Look, there's nothin', nothin'.

How about this one?

- What? - This one?

- Where? - Under there. Roll it up.

What, this?

Let's see it, come on.

"First constitutional congress is on Philadelphia.

"Declaration of Independence 1776.

"Benjamin Franklin Electricity.

Evelyn, 4-3-4-1-5-9."

[all exclaiming]

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Leave Evelyn's phone number.

Okay. Now that the information is in our heads

and only in our heads.

Arnold, please distribute the exam.

Oh, sure, Mr. Kotter.

Arnold.

Where are you going?

I'm going to distribute the test.

Distribute them in here, Arnold.

Oh.

Well, Mr. Kotter, you did not say that.

You see, I feel that the English language

is a very precise... tool.

And you really oughta learn how to use it.

- Distribute the papers. - Okay.

Take the paper, take the paper.

[Kotter] Okay. Now keep them turned over.

Until I tell you to begin.

Freddie's got great news, Mr. Kotter. Go ahead, tell him.

Oh, yeah, Mr. Kotter.

I made the basketball team. First string.

[all cheering]

Congratulations, Freddie. What're you gonna play? Forward?

No. Star.

You're looking at Mr. Versatility.

I mean, I got the moves of Walt Frazier and the finesse

of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

- Alright. - Whoo!

You also got the modesty of Muhammad Ali.

Let me tell you something, Mr. Star

you may not be as good as you think you are.

So, if you're the best, you ain't gonna play

unless you pass the test.

Um, Ali, if you got it... flaunt it.

And if you ain't got it, you're Horshack.

Hot Soup!

You know, uh, I was a pretty fair basketball player

when I went to school here.

You? Ha ha ha.

You?

Why is that so hard to believe?

It's your body.

My body? What's wrong with my body?

I am in perfect physical condition.

It's-it's just not a basketball body.

Now look. Hey, Freddie, stand up.

Now, this. This is a basketball body.

This is a body for running and for jumping.

And this. This is a body for sitting and spreading.

It's simple. Basketball. Basket case.

[all laughing]

Okay, let's quit the stalling. We got a test to take today.

And I really hope you've all prepared.

Mr. Kotter, I got a medical note.

Epstein has got another note.

Surprise, surprise. Okay, Epstein, let's see this one.

Epstein, is something wrong with your arm?

Yeah. Could you get the note for me?

Certainly.

"Dear, Mr. Kotter. Juan will not be able to write today's exam...

"...because of his bursitis.

Signed, Epstein's mother."

Epstein, did you write this note?

Oh, no. No, no. Uh, yeah.

I had to write it for my mother 'cause, uh, 'cause her bursitis

is a lot worse than mine.

Sit down.

Okay. Anymore notes?

Excuses, diseases, religious conflicts.

Okay now, turn your papers over.

You have 30 minutes. If you get stuck on one question

forget about it. Go to the next one.

Alright, begin.

- Barbarino. - What, what?

- Roll up your trouser. - What?

Your trouser leg, roll it up.

What did you have in mind?

Roll up your trouser leg.

- What is this? - It's a skin condition.

Skin condition. Oh, yes.

Looks to me like mogo on the go-go.

A very serious disease for which there are no symptoms.

Fortunately, medical science has come up with a cure.

Lucky I caught it in its early stages.

Mogo on the go-go.

Hey, got a minute left. Come on.

[indistinct]

Washington, what are you doing?

Why you drawing pictures on your paper?

- Who is this? - Hey, that's Superstilt Man.

Faster than a speedin' forward.

More powerful than a double layup.

You're taking the wrong exam.

Do I look like Ms. Fishbeck, the art teacher?

Only around the moustache.

[bell ringing]

Uh, leave your test on my desk.

Washington, I wanna see you.

Aw, man!

Mr. Kotter. What're you hasslin' him for?

He don't have to write that exam.

He's in the team. It means he passes.

It's a fact. Fish have gotta swim. Birds have gotta fly.

A varsity athlete has gotta pass.

It's a Buchanan tradition.

Well, you know that I just love to break traditions.

Aw, man, look. Athletes gotta pass or they don't play.

There used to be this quarterback, Moose Nolan.

He had to write an essay on his favorite fictional character.

Handed in seven blank pages.

Well, maybe his favorite fictional character was

the Invisible Man.

But he passed. 'Cause he was on the team.

That's the way it is, Mr. Kotter.

That's the way it was, Mr. Barbarino.

Nobody passes in my class unless they earn it.

Freddie, come back after your last class.

You'll take a make-up test.

No deal. Let's go.

- You're not gonna come back? - No. I'm not coming back.

You used to play basketball, didn't you?

That's right.

Boy, have you changed.

I haven't changed. And I can still play basketball.

Here comes Kotter, dribblin' down the court.

Here's his famous Behind The Back hook shot. There it goes.

Whoo-o-ooii!

Uh, Kotter.

You know, we're surprised that you would give an unfair test

that a bright boy like Washington couldn't pass.

What are you talking about, unfair?

Well, let's look at the test.

Here. Number three.

When was the Declaration of Independence signed?

That's a trick question.

What're you talking about? The answer is 1776.

Kotter, I don't know if you've noticed

but... I'm not a happy person.

Now, a winning team might make me happier.

Not happy. But happier.

Come on, Ace. Where's your school spirit?

We can't win this season without Washington.

Look, Freddie Washington is more important to me

than a winning basketball season.

I'm not doin' him good by givin' him a free ride.

You're right, he's bright and he could have passed.

The thing is, he didn't even try.

Somewhere, from someone, he got the idea that being on the team

is an automatic pass.

Well, uh, now, uh...

...uh, you said yourself, you said he, uh, he could've passed.

[Kotter] 'That's right.

Why not give the benefit of the doubt?

For the team, cheeky baby.

For Buchanan.

For my job.

I have finished grading your exams.

And as usual, it was an amazing experience.

How did Washington do?

Well, Freddie didn't pass.

But he did make the bulletin board.

[snapping]

Okay. Moving right along.

Delores.

Ralph.

Vinnie.

Epstein! You got 65.

You actually got 63, but I gave you two points

for working under the influence of bursitis.

You passed, Juan.

Come on, let's hear it for Epstein.

Hey, what is this, all quiet on the home room front?

A very pleasant change from the usual

mouth to mouth combat we have here.

Hey, you know what's buggin' us?

You want a conversation, we'll talk.

All you gotta do is pass Freddie.

Yeah.

- No. - Why not?

First of all, it wouldn't be fair to the rest of you.

Why should Freddie get special treatment?

He is special. He's gonna be the school's ace basketball player.

No more special than you, Epstein.

You're the school's ace menace to society.

Look, I don't wanna talk about this anymore.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I got somethin' to say.

Now, I didn't wanna resort to this, Mr. Kotter

but you leave me no choice.

Let's talk money.

Barbarino, are you offering me a bribe?

No. I'm offering you a percentage of my percentage.

Now look, my client, he's gonna be a million dollar property.

You are offering me a bribe.

No. What, I'm trying, I'm trying to say it's like incentive.

Creative motivation.

- It's bribery, Barbarino. - So it's bribery!

Look, what I'm trying to say is

you scratch my back, I scratch yours.

I can't do that. You see, my wife

has an exclusive on my entire body.

She'd be disturbed if I came home tonight

with a pre-scratched back.

[bell ringing]

- Is that your final answer? - Sorry.

You're a crummy businessman, Mr. Kotter. Crummy.

You didn't get your test. Pick it up.

What's your angle, Mr. Kotter?

I don't have any angle, Freddie.

I think that your education is more important than basketball.

My whole future's ridin' on this. You're blowing everything.

A chance at a scholarship. I don't know, the pros.

Rookie of the year, I don't need any education for that man.

What makes you so sure you're gonna make the pros?

You know, remind me a lot of Joe Franklin.

Oh, wow. Man, I don't know no Joe Franklin, dude.

You never heard of Joe Franklin? He was a Sweathog.

Sat right over here. Ten years ago.

Another big basketball player.

My name is Joe Franklin, baby.

I got me a college scholarship.

Fix me up with a lotta easy classes.

Hair combin' 101.

A vast toenail clippin'.

But he never graduated from college.

And he didn't make the pros either.

So he wound up with no basketball career

no education, no nothin'.

So what happened to him?

His father died and left him a chain of Laundromats.

Today he's worth about six million dollars.

But he's still stupid.

[Freddie] Look, look, look.

I don't care about no Joe Franklin. Do you understand me?

I just know me. This is one cat that ain't gonna stop haggling.

You dig? 'Cause, because, because I'm good. Man, I'm good

Face it, Washington. You're not that good.

There are guys right here, in Buchanan, better than you.

- Like who? - Who?

- Who? Who? - Who? Who?

- Me. - You?

Hey, man, you stay away from that black board.

You must have sniffed too much of that chalk dust.

Hey, I'm serious, Freddie. Basketball's my game.

And I'm challenging you. One on one.

Just you, me and the basketball.

Hey, Mr. Kotter. I mean, you outta shape, man.

Dig yourself, man.

If you was a buildin', you'd be condemned.

3:15 today. Twenty point game.

Okay, Mr. Kamikaze.

Why not put your money where your mouth is?

Twenty bucks say, I win.

Hey, you know I'm not gonna play you for money.

Hey, I tell you what I'm gonna do.

If I win, you take the make-up test.

- And if I win, you pass me. - I can't do that.

Hey, you can do anything, man. You're the teacher.

- You got a bet. - You pass me?

If you win.

Would you mind puttin' that in writing?

What for? My word is good.

Well, I know that. But it's your heart I'm worried about.

I mean, who's gonna pass me

if you don't live through the game?

Okay. Take it easy, tiger.

Get some wind back. You'll be alright in a minute.

Whoo-o-ooii!

What's that noise, Kotter?

- Eee-na ooii! - I say what?

It's my father's noise.

Your father's noise.

That's his father's noise.

I think he's delirious.

I hope the school's insurance covers this.

Cheeky baby, as the physical education teacher

can I give you my professional advice?

You don't look so hot.

What were you trying to prove out there, Kotter?

Nothing, nothing.

Freddie and I were just having li'l friendly basketball game...

...to the death.

Anyway, he's on the team. I'm passing him.

- You are! - You're what?

[knocking on door]

Hey, ya, coach. Mr. Kotter here?

Yes, he's on, on the couch, lying in state.

Hey, mind if I talk to him alone for a minute?

Not at all. But you better hurry.

I don't think that he has much more time.

Hi there.

The least you could do is sweat.

I did. Hey, look.

I'm ready to take that make up test if you still want me to.

Hey, I'm no welcher.

You win. You beat me 20 to 16. You passed.

That was no beatin', man. You scored 16 points off of me.

I mean, you! I mean, you're almost twice my age, man.

- You're old enough to be my-- - Older cousin.

Look, I've been thinking.

I don't have that contract all sewn up with the Knicks yet

but... I think I better be covering all my bases.

I think that's a smart move, Freddie.

You know, man, you're something' else.

I mean, you really surprised me down there, today.

- Yeah? - You still play pretty good.

You still... got it.

Yeah, I got it.

But I can't get it off the couch.

- Give me a hand. - Sure.

Whoo-o-ooii!

What is that sound, man? My father makes that sound too.

You mean, uh...

[both] Whoo-o-ooii!

Your father walk like this in the morning?

No, my father walks like this in the morning.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

How do you like my new hat?

- I like it. I like you in hats. - Thanks.

Honey, how come you never wear hats?

When I was young, I always thought my head was too big.

Too big for what?

For the rest of my body.

All the kids in school called me, "Bighead."

That's terrible.

One day I came home crying.

I told mother, "Kids call me, Bighead. What should I do?"

She said, "Don't pay attention to those mean children."

To get my mind off, sends me to the store.

- That was a good idea. - Yeah.

She said, "Get watermelon, dozen eggs, loaf of bread, milk."

I said, "Ma, what am I gonna carry that in?"

She said, "Why don't you use your hat?"

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪♪

[theme music]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained and they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Here where we need ya ♪

♪ Here where we need ya ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot 'cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

[male narrator] "Welcome back, Kotter" was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪