Original subtitles

Where are we gonna go on our next vacation?

How about Miami?

Did I ever tell you what happened to my uncle in Miami?

- No. - He went there. Big convention.

He had his secretary with him. And he got to the hotel late.

"Mr. Kotter, you were supposed to be here this afternoon.

"Now we gave your rooms away. We only have one room left.

"If you want us to, we can install twin beds

for you and your secretary."

What did he say?

What could they do? They had to take the twin beds.

In the middle of the night, the secretary gets up,

she goes, "Psst, Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter

could you get up and shut the window? I'm a little chilly."

He says, "Well, if you're chilly, would you like to

pretend that you're Mrs. Kotter tonight?"

She goes, "Oh, Mr. Kotter, I'd love to."

He said, "Good, get up and shut the window yourself."

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪

So, what do you think?

I think it has a sort of a

a quiet intensity. What do you think?

Oh, yeah? I thought it had more of a noisy, relaxed quality.

Ah, quite.

Hey, Horshack, what do you think it's sayin'?

It's saying, "Hello.

"How are ya?

I'm a wall filled with paint."

He's coming, he's coming.

- Good morning, people. - Good morning, Mr. Kotter.

[in unison] We're all in our places with bright shiny faces.

Excuse me, I was looking for my class.

This is my class.

Alright, what's the big idea?

It's a present for you, Mr. Kotter.

Thanks a lot.

What do you call this anyway? Moonlight Over Garbage?

Hey, man. Just be cool, man.

It's only water paint, it'll come off easy.

Look, you know what it's like?

It's like, it's like those murals

at the UN that tells a story.

Well, this is our story. The greatest story ever told.

The history of the Sweathogs.

[all cheering]

Oh, yes, I can see it.

This must be the first group of Sweathogs.

And there's me on opening day of school.

Wadding up some paper and getting ready to

throw out the first spitball.

Oh, and there's Vice Principal Woodman catching it.

In his ear.

Oh, and this must be me on my first date.

With good ol' "Ya-ha" Feldman.

Here we are on the beach at Coney Island.

And here's me and Ya-ha spreading our blanket

on the beach at Coney Island.

- Ooh. - And there we, uh...

Well, moving right along.

Here I am, I guess, coming back to my old school.

To teach a brand-new group of Sweathogs.

And here's that group, painting this mural on the wall.

And this is the part I like best.

That same group going into the closet

getting mops, sponges, soap and water

and cleaning all this junk off the wall.

Alright. I can dig it.

I'm the new teacher, everybody tries to get the new teacher.

Alright? You're trying to live up to your reputation.

I want you to promise me something.

Clean this off the wall and tell me you're never gonna

do anything like this again.

Hey, hey, man, whatever you want, alright? You got it.

Hey, um, dig, while we're at it, you want us to do your jacket?

- My jacket? - Yeah.

See we had a little paint left over...

So we repainted the top of the desk.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

- Hello, Alex. - Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, now, say that again.

Alex, I am not one of your drama students.

"Hello, Alex," come on, say it again. Just the way you said it.

- Hello, Alex. - Lovely. Lovely delivery.

It's simple. It's convincing. Gutsy. Utterly to the point.

"Hello, Alex."

I don't know what it is, guy, but you got it.

If you liked that, you're gonna love this...

Go away, Alex.

Cute. You know, I bet if you did your laundry

before you came to school, you wouldn't be so depressed.

I am not depressed.

But I don't know how much longer I can hold out

with you in the room.

Whoa, now there is a snappy retort.

"I don't know how much longer I can hold out

with you in the room"

I'll have to borrow that line for my new play.

What for? It's probably gonna be no better

than your other two un-produced plays.

"A Streetcar Named Shirley."

And then there was your biggie, "Fiddler On My Sister."

Okay, big guy...

I don't think there's any reason to take it out on old Alex here

just because your Sweathogs can't express themselves

in a socially acceptable way.

Like my debating class, for example.

You know, I really wish you wouldn't call 'em Sweathogs.

I mean, it's okay if they call themselves Sweathogs

or if I call them Sweathogs, but outside of that class

no enlightened educator would call a child a Sweathog.

Kotter, do you know what your Sweathogs have done now?

They have switched the signs on the restroom doors.

The men's room is now the ladies' room

the ladies' room is now the men's room.

I mean, I just walked in to wash my hands.

Poor Miss Fishbeck will never be the same.

Mr. Woodman, try to be understanding,

Gabe can't help it if his students are still

pre-civilized.

Alright, look, Welles, they may be underachievers

but they're basically bright kids.

I'd put 'em against your class any day of the week.

Oh, like in a formal debate? Heh, heh.

Yeah. Why not?

Welles, are you wearing your ascot too tight?

I mean, I can't allow this.

Listen, I will assume full responsibility

for the safety of my charges. Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.

Wait a minute. Say that again.

- What? - "Don't worry, Mr. Woodman."

Just the way you said it.

Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.

Beautiful. Terrific.

But you did it better the first time.

Now say it again, "Don't worry, Mr. Woodman."

- Don't worry-- - No, no, no, no, no.

- More gutsy. Right. - Right.

Think about what you're saying. Pear-shaped tones.

- Don't worry, Mr. Woodman. - Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.

Now say it right to him. Get down to his level.

Put your arm out. Okay, now think about this man.

This man is you in 20 years. Now say it.

[both] Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.

Okay, man, that's good enough. He should like that.

Um, sir, as you see

I told you it'd come right off.

Alright, good.

Now that the history of the Sweathogs is history...

...I wonder if you people are aware that

there's other ways to express yourselves.

Like, uh, with words, for instance.

Hey, words are great, Mr. Kotter.

You know, I use 'em all the time.

As a matter of fact, I just used words to tell you I use words.

[laughter]

Very good, Epstein. And in the interest of teaching you people

a little bit more about words, I have decided

to form a debate team.

♪ Yes my friends a debate team ♪

♪ That's a team that uses words ♪

♪ Words with bite words with snap ♪

♪ Words that put us on the map not the basketball team ♪

♪ Not the baseball team not the football team ♪

♪ But the debate team ♪

♪ We're the capital D and that rhymes with... ♪

[indistinct]

D also stands for ding-a-ling.

Just think of a debate as sort of a, uh, rumble with words.

Do you mean like, "Up your nose with a garden hose?"

Not insults, Barbarino. Facts. Logic.

With each side arguing an opposite point of view.

Hey, Kotter. Pfft.

Alright, it was just a thought. Take out your workbooks.

You're too chicken to mix it up with Mr. Welles' debating class.

- You mean the turkeys? - Us afraid of the turkeys?

You mean those weirdoes wanna debate us?

Hey, man, I'll beat the words out them birds.

- We'll stuff 'em. - Fricassee 'em.

We... We...

[laughing]

Okay, Horshack, good. That's the spirit.

Get up here, you take the affirmative or the yes argument.

Okay.

Yes! I give you a definite yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes! Yes!

- Horshack? - Yes!

I haven't given you a topic yet.

Ah, who needs a topic?

We'll debate 'em without a topic.

Yeah, we'll pluck the turkeys.

That's it. That's our topic.

Plucking turkeys?

No, resolve. Humans are naturally aggressive.

Aggression. That sounds like fun.

[Kotter] Okay, Horshack, go.

Ahem.

Speaking for the affirmative side

I would like to ask you all to support aggression.

Why do I ask you to support aggression?

I ask you to support aggression because it is everywhere.

Especially there. And there. And there.

Thank you.

[all cheering]

Alright, that was fine, Arnold.

Epstein, now you get up and take the rebuttal

or the no argument.

Sure.

No argument.

Epstein, you have to prove to Horshack

that people don't have to be aggressive.

Uh, proof, you want pr... Okay, I'll give you proof.

Hey, Arnold,

people don't gotta be aggressive, do they?

No. No, they don't.

I lied, I lied. I swear, I lied.

People don't gotta be aggressive.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, I'm really good at this rebuttin' stuff

you know.

Okay, do we have a debate team?

- Yeah. - Yeah!

♪ Yes, my friends we got a debate team ♪

♪ Right here at James Buchanan with a capital B ♪

♪ And that rhymes with D ♪

♪ And that stands for debate ♪

[indistinct singing]

Ah, good morning, Mr. Woodman. Ready for the great debate?

I am ready, Kotter, to see you make a complete

and utter fool of yourself.

[mumbling]

How's that, Mr. Woodman?

That's exactly what I might expect...

...from a man who expects his Sweathogs

to outdebate the debate class.

Well, now, uh, I'll run down and get the turkeys.

I-I... I mean, the debate class.

And mind you, Kotter... no trouble.

Mr. Woodman, you won't recognize my kids.

I told them to make sure they behave like ladies and gentlemen

and to dress in a dignified manner.

They're not people, Kotter.

Come on, come on, come on.

Is this what you call a dignified manner?

Hey, man, don't sweat it, man, this-this is part of our

intricate plan to psyche out the opposition.

This is a debate, you're supposed to psyche 'em out

with words, not with clothes.

Look, you want me to remove the suspenders?

I'll remove the suspenders.

But there ain't much dignity in a pair of pants

dropping to the floor.

[laughter]

And what about my top hat, Mr. Kotter?

Top hats is real dignified.

- Where'd you get it, Arnold? - Murray lent it to me.

Murray? Who's Murray?

Who's Murray? Murray the Horse.

Murray the Horse loaned you his top hat?

Yeah.

And you. You look like you come with a $95 funeral.

This coat... this coat was worn

at the famous Lincoln-Douglas debate.

This coat was worn at the famous Lincoln-Douglas debate?

I wore this coat when my father, Lincoln

was beating the daylights out of my brother, Douglas.

Get up, Epstein.

You're supposed to come here prepared for a debate.

Not a pirate attack.

Hey, I'm representing my people.

As a matter of fact, honey

this outfit was worn by my great-great grandmother

when she fought on San Juan Hill for the Puerto Rican Jews.

Hey, not only that, she was a dead ringer for Teddy Roosevelt.

Yeah, my great-great grandfather kept on telling her

"Ruth, trim the sideburns, shave the moustache."

Epstein, close your mouth, sit on your sword.

- Ooh. - Ooh.

Alright, and you.

What are you supposed to be? Our very own cheerleader?

You got it, Mr. Kotter. Ahem.

Give me an S, give me a W, give me an E-A-T.

Rosalie, give it to me later, okay?

The turkeys are comin', the turkeys are comin'.

Good morning, Sweathogs. And welcome to your Waterloo.

Thanks for not taking sides, Mr. Woodman.

What do you got here, guy, a costume party? Heh, heh.

Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Is that what you think, Mr. Welles?

They're the costumes from your last play.

The subject agreed upon is resolved.

Humans are naturally aggressive.

Ah, speaking for the negative, Mr. Welles' team.

Speaking for the affirmative, Kotter's bunch.

Give me an S! Give me a W!

- Give me an E-A-- - Rosalie. Rosalie.

- What? - Give it to me later.

[clears throat] Will you check your reference material please?

"New York Times" article,1972.

"Is There A Human Instinct For Peace?"

- Check. - "Study of the Arctic Eskimos.

- They've Never Known a War." - Check.

"Anthropological Report on the Tassidy Tribe

A People Without Aggression."

Check.

Your turn, bubby.

You call that research?

We're gonna show you what research is.

What?

The research that you prepared for this debate.

Research material. The last words of Jack the Ripper.

"I never met a person I didn't wanna kill."

Check.

Attila the Hun's speech to his troops

"Trample everyone in sight."

Check.

My father to my mother

"Now you hit him, Margie, my arm is tired."

- Oh, we need a timekeeper. - Ooh, ooh, me, me.

Oh, could I be the timekeeper? Please?

Can he tell time, Kotter?

You've heard of, uh, Big Ben? That's Small Arnold.

Alright, here. Use this.

Now, uh, constructive speeches will be limited to four minutes.

Uh, rebuttals to two minutes.

- Let's begin. - Okay, um, Washington.

You lead the troops.

I never did this before, man.

You don't have anything prepared?

I never talked in public before.

You never talked anywhere in public?

Only in church.

Well, do what you have to do. Get up there.

[clears throat]

Brothers and sisters...

...we are gathered here today

because I intend to prove

that people are born naturally aggressive.

It's as old as... a-a-as mankind itself.

- Oh, yeah! - I...

I seen it in the history book.

And I seen it on the streets!

Now the question, which is a lot easier

and a lot better, is hard.

But the sooner you learn, I said the sooner you learn

the easier your life gonna be. Hallelujah!

Mr. Woodman, Mr. Woodman,

Washington isn't following the rules.

- He isn't following the rules. - Ah, Judy...

Let us just begin our side's extraordinarily

dramatic rebuttal, shall we?

Todd, if you please. Thank you.

But he isn't following the rules.

Judy, heh, give it to me later, okay?

Hi, Todd.

[exhales]

Friends and esteemed adversaries...

Time's up.

- Friends and incompetents. - Ooh.

It can be said, categorically, that

aggression is not intrinsic to human nature.

Save for our opponents, who have yet to prove

they're human.

Hey, off my case, potato face.

Time out, time out. Time out, here.

- What? What? - Come here.

Just what do you all think you're doing, huh?

Look, this thing is cool, trust us.

- You'll see. - No, it's not--

I don't mind their interruptions, Mr. Kotter,

they're just proving what they are.

Oh, yeah? You know what you are, Todd?

You're white bread.

Um, for example,

if every time you take a Sweathog

and you punch him in the face...

[all gasps]

...you repeatedly tell him to shut up!

- Oh! - How can we shut up?

- You said we weren't human. - Yeah, we're animals.

- Grr! - Just shut up!

Time's up. Next. Ha, ha. Shut up!

- Come on, you're blowing it. - Come on.

He ain't blowing it, man. He blew it.

That's, uh, heh, that's quite an aggressive boy

you've got there, Alex.

This debate is called on account of dumbness.

That's right. Kotter, the young man was obviously provoked.

No, Alex, I think he did some provoking himself.

And I think we proved our point.

Even the finest student is capable of aggression.

But notice, some people were able to control it.

Ah, Mr. Kotter, I just have one thing to say to you.

Go ahead.

In your socks with a pound of locks.

Our plan worked, man.

It was a terrible plan, Washington.

But it was a plan. And I'm proud of you for trying.

And you look great in the outfits.

But we got a very long way to go.

Rosalie, give it to me now.

Give me an S, give me a W, give me an E-A-T.

Give me an H, give me an O, give me a G-G-G.

- Sweathogs. Whoo! - Whoo!

Did I tell you I saw Larry Simon yesterday?

No.

He was walking down the street like this.

What did he have in his hands?

That's what I said, "Hey, Larry

what do you have in your hands?"

He said, "A toad."

- A toad? - That's what I said, "A toad?"

Well, where was he going with the toad?

That's what I said.

"Hey, Larry, where are you going with a toad?"

He said he was taking the toad to the zoo.

Oh, well, that makes sense.

Yeah, except I saw him today

and he was still walking down the street like this.

I thought you said he took the toad to the zoo?

That's what I said.

I said, "Larry, didn't you take the toad to the zoo?"

He said, "Yeah, but today I'm taking him to the movies."

♪ Welcome back... ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket... ♪

[theme song]

[Kotter] "Welcome Back, Kotter" was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place that you laughed about ♪

♪ Well the names have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought they'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪♪