Original subtitles

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1 MUSIC: Granadaland by The Wedding Present

PHONE RINGS

Duty calls.

So, I'm leading my Hiking for Health group

and we're halfway up the pass when I get the shout.

But, er, that's the nature of the on-call firefighter game -

any time, any place, anywhere.

Will this take long?

Five-minute turnout time

and if you don't make it, you're off the job.

Not everyone makes it.

I'm thinking it's a fair lick,

you know, but, er, there's nothing like the thought of lives in danger

to put a rocket up your arse.

And believe me, that five-minute deadline has seen off quite a few.

Not as many as this anecdote.

Four minutes, 38 seconds.

The old-timer has still got what it takes!

Grab your bag, Joe, there's a good lad.

I may be a grandad, but

some of the team are a bit in awe of me, if I'm honest. You don't say.

It was a primary dwelling fire.

I kept the crowds back from the pump

while the lads did a 360.

Hey!

Could have been nasty, but it was neutralised in time.

He's got a new reading book and his clean pyjamas are in his bag.

Thank God for the brave volunteer firefighters of Grey Watch.

Be careful out there, Maurice.

You can take the piss all you like.

The whole of Wordsworth Row might have gone up. Wordsworth Row?

That's where my new house is. Yes, that's what I've been

trying to tell you, if you'll let me get to the point.

It was your new house.

What was? Where the fire was.

Paul! Huh?

My car's right here. I'll drive you.

Oh!

Oh, shit.

Go on, say it.

I was just going to say you chose a lovely spot.

Yeah.

Is it all right if I come in? Yeah.

Oh, Christ. I'm sorry.

It's nothing for you to be sorry about.

Unless you started it.

HE SIGHS

Joe, come on. Come and have a look at your new room.

No, no, no. No! Maurice, no.

Not in here, not now. There you go. Told you.

All good.

Or at least it will be once your dad learns how to hold a paint brush.

I didn't want him seeing it in this state.

I've seen better episodes of Grand Designs.

It's all right.

It'll be great.

It'll all change.

I like my new house... Joe. ..don't I?

I like my new house, don't I? No, I've said, this is...

I like my new house, don't I? ..not how it's going to look.

I like my new house, don't I? I like my new house, don't I?

He wasn't supposed to see it until it's finished.

I like my new house, don't I? I like my new house, don't I?

I like my new house...don't I?

You will like your new house, yes, when it's ready.

It's like this now, but your dad is going to make it better.

Are you two going to be all right?

Go home and wait by your Batphone, Dad.

Maybe I should stay. Or I could take him back. No!

No. Thanks, but I don't think you should.

We have to stick to the handover routine.

He's confused enough already.

Yeah, but I...

Yeah, all right, OK, well, can you just text me, though, or something?

Just let me how he is. Yeah, OK, fine.

I'll sort it.

Right, I will see you on Sunday night.

But it's time for me to go there and you to stay here.

There. Here. Here.

There. Just like that.

Just like that.

Hug or handshake?

Handshake.

Text me. All right.

I'm OK, aren't I?

I'll fix it.

I'll fix all of it.

What could be better? What's going well? What could be better?

What's going well?

Hey, Joe! Joe!

Joe! Joe!

Shit!

Feel that rhythm. Pulse like a kettle drum.

160 over 100.

That's high. I ran here, Doc. It's bound to be up.

And so is your cholesterol.

And you've just turned 60.

I'm not 60 in the way other men are.

I'm not a normal man. Indeed.

I'm going to prescribe statins. No chance.

I've seen the side-effects - flatulence, weight gain, impotence.

I'd sooner take my chances. You collapsed two years ago.

Hospitalised.

You are at risk of a heart attack or a stroke if you don't slow down.

Slow down? Have you seen my family? Both families?

If I go down, they go down with me.

So you need to take care of yourself.

One question -

have I got cancer? That's the only one that scares me.

No. You haven't got cancer.

But there are many ways to die, Maurice.

You should put that on your website.

I've just thought of another one.

Three, four!

# They tried to make me go to rehab

# I said, "No, no, no!"

# Yes, I've been black But when I come back

# You'll know, know, know

# I ain't got the time

# And if my daddy says I'm fine

# They tried to make me go to rehab

♪ No, no, no. ♪

Hiya. Hi, Paul.

Want to say goodbye to the old house?

Eh? I get it.

I'm sure they won't mind.

Nah.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Alison.

Yeah, yeah. No, he's fine.

Yeah.

Yeah, no, he's all settled down.

Yep, all right. Yeah, bye, yep, bye.

Sorry, can I...? No worries.

Joe.

This isn't your room any more.

A new family live here now.

I know it takes some getting used to, but we will get used to it.

Promise.

What do you think, Joe? Is this a good place to lie down?

Is this a good place, or a bad place?

That's it.

This badge, we'll bring it with us

and it will remind you of all the lovely times we had.

We won't forget the house.

We won't forget the house. That's it.

That's good, that's it.

You OK?

You wouldn't want to be without these, would you?

Eh? That's it.

Oh, no, no... Oh, Joe!

Bye, Louise. I'll see you next week.

Thanks Helen, see you. Ta-ra.

Thanks, Pauline.

Bye, Louise. Bye, Katie.

My son used to say goodbye to me before he met you.

I'm a bad influence. That's right. You are.

But we both love you, so, forgiven.

He's up to something, that lad. I've got a good idea what.

He never stops smiling. Ha-ha!

He's started hoovering.

And the other day, I caught him

writing down a menu from Saturday Kitchen.

Have you asked him about it?

I thought it might be better coming from you.

Take him for a pint. In the words of the song, no, no, no.

I've got a lot on at the moment. Like what?

Drill night. Rebecca's due home from university.

Joe's staying at mine all weekend. Eddie's there. Paul's there.

I've not got time for a pint.

So, are you saying you don't want to bond with my son?

I'm saying I don't want to interrogate your son.

He never cracks. You don't want to go for a drink with him,

because you think he'll run rings round you?

Since you mention it, yes. Exactly.

You're not as clever as me. He won't see you coming.

Joe, I don't mind you throwing your headphones away. Hi!

You're not in any trouble. We've got a spare pair.

I put them away.

Yeah, yeah, you put them away... in a lake.

Ah.

What does a good life look like?

Now, look, hey. We love music, you and me,

don't we? Hm?

And you need your headphones for that.

Is it the music you don't like any more,

or just the headphones?

The music.

The headphones.

Why don't we do a new playlist?

Yeah, you can... you can choose. Paul.

Let him be for a bit. You're putting me on edge.

Well, he's upset. I can see that.

Any more static off you and we could suspend you off the wall

like a party balloon. Could you?

I don't know if the science adds up, but I'd like to give it a try.

Hey, Joe, Joe! Joe! Dad.

Eddie's right.

Eddie's right about what? Hello, love! Hi, Grandad.

Oh, our little scholar!

Joe threw his headphones away.

Hallelujah! At long last.

Well, he threw his headphones away to hurt me,

because he was confused about seeing that wreck of an house.

Thanks to you. Well, it's still a result, innit?

I've done you a favour. Well, no, no, not if he's distressed.

Oh, your generation.

Unbelievable.

You find something good and then you have to dig deep to make sure

it turns into something bad. Maurice,

all we've tried to do for the last two years is protect Joe,

get him used to me and Alison being apart.

Not give him too much change to understand in one go.

That's why we didn't sell the old house until now.

Has it... And why I didn't want him to see the new house

until it were finished! Has it occurred to you that if you

and Alison stopped pussyfooting around him,

he might learn a damned sight more? Right, what do you

suggest, eh? Movie night, Joe?

Hmm? Mrs Doubtfire or Kramer vs Kramer?

We firefighters have a saying, put a blanket on the spark

and the forest won't burn down.

Not one of Obi-Wan Kenobi's better days.

We're just trying to help him cope by keeping things familiar.

Why do you think I'm living here?

Oh, well, thank you very much for honouring me with your presence.

Um, I'm here out of choice if that helps, Grandad.

I know, love. Get yourself a plate. You too, Eddie.

I'm trying to be healthy.

So am I. That's why I'm offering you half of me curry.

I'll give him 12 hours.

Just give Joe time.

You'll work out what he's trying to tell us. That's what you always do.

Me or Mum? Both of you.

You were good at it.

Well, you never said so at the time.

You were being parents. That was your job.

Well, we're still parents, both of us.

I know.

You're still angry with us.

Well...with me.

Hm. No. That's fading.

The first year was bad, the second year got a bit better.

But one thing I do know now is life doesn't always work out

like you planned it.

It certainly doesn't.

MUSIC: My Mistakes Were Made For You by the Last Shadow Puppets

# About as subtle as an earthquake, I know

# My mistakes were made for you

# And in the back room of a bad dream

# She came and whisked me away, enthused

# And it's solid as a rock rolling down a hill

# The fact is that it probably will hit something

# On the hazardous terrain

# And we're just following the flock

# Round and in between, before we smash to smithereens

# Like they were and we scramble from the grain

♪ And it's the fame that put words... ♪

Get some answers, Maurice.

CHURCH BELL TOLLING

Ralph!

Fancy a game of pool? No.

Seems to be going all right with Katie.

Yeah.

I think your mum's a bit... well, not worried exactly,

but she can see you're changing and, er, it can be hard on a mum, that.

So, er, if any of them changes,

you want to talk through with me,

man-to-man and all that,

well, then...

..you know where I am.

We need a disco.

Oh, right.

Why do we need a disco?

For the wedding. What wedding?

My wedding.

Your wedding?

Mine and Katie's.

Congratulations.

We need a van. Why do we need a van?

For my stuff. So, you're getting married and you're moving out?

Yeah. When were you going to tell your mum this?

I'm not.

Oh, I get it.

So I'm telling her, am I? No.

Don't tell Mum.

You want me to keep it a secret? Yeah.

Well, do you want to tell me why? No. I don't.

MUSIC: Dawning On Me by Villagers

# I've been awake for so long now

# Just can't get to sleep

# You've been tugging at my eyelids

# You've been dawning on me

♪ And there's a light coming through the window... ♪

RECORDING: Where are you from? De donde eres?

Soy de Lake District.

Where are you from? De donde eres?

Sigo siendo de Lake District.

PHONE RINGS

It's nearly midnight.

Well, what did you find out?

There's nothing to find out.

We just had a drink.

He's not up to anything. Maurice. Get some sleep.

PHONE RINGS

PHONE RINGS

You might want to answer that. It'll keep.

Running my curry off, are you? What?

I'm trying to be healthy.

Then go after my leftovers under cover of darkness.

PHONE RINGS

I know you know something, Maurice,

and I need to know what it is. Get round here.

MUSIC: Blue Boy by Orange Juice

Er, Ralph and I were having a bit of a chat

and, er, well, to cut a long story short...

That'll be a first, but go on.

Do you mind? This is hard enough as it is, eh?

I'm getting married. He's getting married.

To Katie.

And Katie knows about this? Because, Ralph, you'd be surprised

how many men get an idea into their heads

and forget to mention it to the woman in their life.

Katie asked me to marry her.

Well, she's got good taste. I said yes.

And you've really thought this through, have you, the pair of you?

Yeah.

What's your favourite film? School of Rock.

What used to be your favourite film?

Little Mermaid. Right.

And you know that film ends with the wedding?

But in real life, marriage is just the start.

Marriage can be hard.

Even the Little Mermaid will argue with that soppy prince

once he starts leaving his dirty socks on the floor. I know.

And you might not always be able to watch Match of the Day,

if Katie doesn't want to. I know. And...

I'm only saying all this because I want... I want it to work

and I want you both to be happy. Ralph,

why don't you tell your mum what you told me?

About what she said to you when you were 21.

She said she wanted to...

Dance at my wedding, one day.

I did! I did!

Congratulations.

Well, obviously, it's fine for Katie to move in here,

but we should probably take a look at your room.

That Paul Pogba poster might have to go.

She likes Paul Pogba.

Who doesn't like Paul Pogba?

There's something else.

Well, what?

I've dreamt of this moment all his life.

Of him standing on his own two feet

and setting off into the world without me.

I wanted it more than anything.

And at the same time, I never wanted it to happen,

because it terrifies me. I know.

And you know what? It terrifies him, too.

Well, he's a brave lad. Don't you see?

The reason he didn't want to tell me is because he knows,

deep down, he can't just move into a flat with Katie.

It won't happen.

He just can't admit it yet.

Which is why we go along with it for now, for Ralph's sake,

for Katie's sake.

The lad's got his pride, after all.

PHONE RINGS

Fire never rests.

Like me.

I'm sorry.

This is good. A good place to sit and hide, I mean.

Just to work things out.

I know what it feels like, you know.

Mum and Dad not being together any more.

Not having the old house any more.

I know.

Sheena Is A Punk Rocker.

Go Buddy Go?

OK. We can just hide.

We all need a place to hide, every so often.

Can I share this place?

Till you go away again.

Yeah, till I go.

But just so you know - and just you -

I won't be going anywhere for a while.

Ramones, 1977.

Stranglers, 1977.

Hiya. I just wanted to check if he's OK.

Alison!

I know, I know.

Look, he's with me now - at the house.

He's fine. Good.

Thank you. Um...

I'll see you tomorrow. I've got to go. I'm at work.

I think my boss might finally be starting to like me.

OK, bye. OK, bye.

RECORDING: Do you have any children?

Tienes hijos?

Si. Tengo hijos.

And they're all slowly killing me.

Morning, Joe.

Was the fire electrical?

It was, as it goes, Ramesh. Frayed wires? Frayed plasterer.

He left the heater on overnight to dry the walls.

Hey, why don't you give him a pipe and a banjo and have done with it?

I tried to get him to come in, but he wouldn't.

I have to get on with this, because the sooner it's finished,

the sooner it'll look like a home and then he'll get used to it.

You screwed the plan, Maurice.

I'm just trying to put things right.

Well, you do the house. I'll take Joe. Do one job well,

instead of two jobs half-arsed. Joe!

Joe!

Where are you going to take him?

Where haven't you been on the divorced dads circuit? Come on!

It wasn't an insurance job, if that's what you're getting at.

Get your rucksack, not your weekend bag,

and put what you want to take inside it.

Ten minutes starting...now!

You do know he can't tell the time? I know. But one of us has got

to look like we're in charge. I'm taking him to

the petting zoo. Ice cream and the smell of goat shit.

Enough to cheer anybody up. Do you fancy it?

Er, no. I'm at the Fellside all day.

Don't let me interrupt your reading.

When did eye contact go out of fashion? Sorry.

It's Mum. She's been sacked.

She's furious.

Dad?

Do you think I'm a hard person to be around? I don't think

Jim the cafe owner is the best judge of character.

Yeah, well, he did once try and dry his hands on a laminated menu.

But it was a job.

And it fit around Joe and my uni course.

You'll find something else.

I've spent the last ten years fighting my son's corner.

And I spoke out because I had to.

I don't regret that, but...

I know the fighting made me hard to be around.

Maybe it just got to be a habit

and now I'm just always looking for a fight.

I don't want to be like that.

You're better at making the best of things than I ever was.

Starting again, setting up here, with Joe,

doing a university degree at your age.

Not that you're old.

I mean... When you've got a kid that's like Joe...

..you get used to feeling like you're failing.

But you just get through. Then me and Paul, we really

failed him by splitting up. Hang on. He left you.

If anybody should be kicking their own arse, it's him.

You're missing the point, Dad.

When anything goes wrong, anything at all, even getting sacked

from a shit job, it just feels ten times worse than it should,

because it feels like I'm failing Joe all over again.

You feel like a failure?

I've got two divorced kids and I'm being outmanoeuvred by Ralph.

How do you think I feel?

MUSIC: Mind Your Own Business by Delta 5

# Can I have a taste of your ice cream?

# Can I lick the crumbs from your table?

# Can I interfere in your crisis?

♪ No, mind your own business... ♪

Oof, there's a turn up for the books.

What? Joe, he chucked his headphones in the lake,

after he saw the new house. Refused to wear them altogether.

Didn't Paul tell you? No.

Probably didn't want me to know.

Wanted to handle it on his own.

Or not handle it.

Come on, Dad, we're going to have to pick up some paint.

♪ Why don't you mind your own business? ♪

Hey. Come on.

Just leave it at Paul's new house.

Tooth fairy job. OK, if you say so.

Very nice of you.

The sooner he finishes, the better for Joe.

I know it doesn't feel like it sometimes, but you're doing great.

You're strong and you need to be.

You need to be.

You OK, love? Ah, Joe!

Joe, Joe, Joe. Joe.

What could be better? What's going well?

What could be better? What's bothering you, eh?

What's going well? Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

But thank you. No problem, I got one like that at home.

Sorry, one like what? Sorry? One like what?

No, I didn't mean... I...

I mean I've got a kid at home that, you know, sometimes plays

up like... I didn't mean... I don't care what you meant.

We're fine. He's not playing up, OK?

Right. Everything all right? Yeah.

I was, er, just, er...

I'm her dad. Right.

I'll go home and get my dad, then, shall I?

Do you see what I mean? I'm too much.

Come here.

I'll pick you up tomorrow night.

It was nice to see you.

But it's time for you to go there and me to stay here.

There. Here. Here. There.

Just like that. Just like that.

You all right, champion?

Have you had a good day?

Hm? How was the zoo?

I didn't get there, actually. Alison called.

She needed me in Manchester, so I took Joe with me.

Brilliant! Why don't you add to his confusion

by taking him to Manchester?!

The place he lives in the week!

We've set up a structure for a reason, Maurice.

He didn't seem to mind. How do you know he didn't mind?

Well, he put his headphones back on, for a start.

He wore his headphones in Manchester?

Yeah, he's doing a Neil Diamond, isn't he?

What? I Am, I Said.

When he's in Manchester, his music reminds him of home.

But when he's here, he doesn't wear 'em,

because home doesn't feel like home any more.

When did Neil Diamond move to Manchester?

No, he's doing it to punish me. I get it, I get it.

He isn't doing it to punish you.

He's doing it to handle the fact that everything's changed.

He'll get over it.

I mean, if I can coax him back into your house, I'm sure you can too.

You took him back to the new house?

Again?! After everything I said?

Dad, bloody hell. Oh, lovely.

Do a man a favour and make an enemy for life.

I'm going to Louise's.

Maurice!

Was there a murder?

Well, if there was, it didn't show up on the survey.

No, Maurice did it.

I have to admit, it's not a bad idea.

For Joe.

Help him settle.

Help him get over...

You can say it. The divorce.

I was going to say all the change in his life.

I do get it, you know.

I was the same when me and Nicola split up.

Divorce. Single parent.

They feel like words you'd use for somebody else, don't they?

I'm not frightened of saying it. I mean, look at me.

My daughter's in London. I see her every other weekend.

None of it feels like me.

But it is.

And I have to accept it.

You're being understanding about a problem I don't actually have.

Right.

Does this mean that my dad's not as mad as we think?

I wouldn't go that far.

Ralph blinked? That's your proof? Everyone blinks.

This was his guilty blink. I know it.

I asked him if he wanted to go and look at flats and he said no,

then he blinked. He's hiding something.

I'm getting the feeling that you think I'm to blame.

It was your idea to go along with it.

Can you just come clean and tell me what else he's told you?

He hasn't told me anything!

And you expect me to believe that?

I expect you to trust me, yes.

I've had enough of this.

Did we have sex, then? I didn't notice.

I can't just turn it on and off, you know, like a tap.

I'm not your plaything.

Rest assured, Maurice, I could never mistake you for my plaything.

Find out what else he's hiding!

Oh, of course. Of course. My Scotch egg!

Why would it be there, when it's the only thing I want?

Are you all right, Dad?

Paul bollocks me for taking Joe to Manchester to help him out.

Now Louise is giving me grief for not telling her Ralph's secret,

which I can't tell her, because Ralph kept it secret from me too,

because I made him tell her his last secret.

Let that be a lesson to you to stay out of other people's business.

I'm a volunteer firefighter, I'm learning Spanish, I've joined

the choir, I run the hiking group, I've got three lodgers that

I didn't ask for, a girlfriend, a reluctant stepson and a dodgy knee.

So you would think, would you not, in the greater scheme of things,

that a Scotch egg was not too much to ask?

Um, no.

You're not denying taking it, I see.

I thought the Scotch egg was a metaphor.

Did you take it?!

Yes. It was delicious.

I had a pickle analogy on the side.

I did not eat your Scotch egg!

Do you think I'm some kind of idiot?

Several kinds.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

CAR HORN TOOTS

All set up and ready to go.

I'm sure Ralph was going to tell you about the flat.

When he felt everything was in place.

Isn't that right, Ralph?

Weren't you, Ralph? We wanted to do it for ourselves.

I get that. It's just, it's hard to find somewhere by yourself and...

And that is why they've been sensible these last few months

and taken it one step at a time.

These last few months? Yes.

With Katie's mum and dad and my input as a social worker, we did

assessments and Ralph and Katie came to the decision that it would suit

them to live independently, but with a bit of help.

Supported living. This place came up last week.

You knew about this, did you? And you didn't think to pick up

the phone and talk it through with his mum?

I told you we should have told your mum.

I assumed you had. I want to do it by myself!

I get that, Ralph. I get that.

But it might have been the kind thing to do.

It might have been kind.

I was trying to be kind.

I know I messed up.

And I know it might not feel like it right now...

..but this is going to be OK. I promise.

Now, this wall.

We are going to change this wall.

You and me. We're going to make it feel like yours.

And this bit is yours - over there -

and we can meet in the middle.

OK?

Good paint work.

Might take a while, but so far, so good.

MUSIC PLAYER: # Go, Buddy, go, Buddy

# Go, Buddy Go, Buddy, go, go, go!

♪ I'm with my friend Bob... ♪ MUSIC STOPS

Never liked the Stranglers, anyway.

Silence is good.

Yeah.

Silence is fine.

I don't understand. Why would that worry me?

He thinks he's letting you down. By finding somewhere to live?

By accepting that he needs some help.

It's not the flat he didn't want to tell you about.

You've told him, all his life, he can do anything.

That nothing can hold him back.

And you've done a good job of getting him to believe that.

So he thinks he's let you down, by deciding that him

and Katie might not be able to do it all on their own.

I told him you wouldn't think like that.

But if he's scared of telling me, then I've let him down.

No, you haven't. You really haven't.

You wanted him to be independent and he's being independent.

And he's lying to his mother.

What more proof needed that he's growing up, eh?

Yeah!

KNOCK AT DOOR

You know when you swam in the swimming gala? Yeah.

I knew then.

You know when you sang solo in the Christmas service?

Yeah.

I knew then.

You know when I had cancer and you asked me if I was going to die?

Yeah. I knew then.

Because no-one else was brave enough to ask me.

And you were.

I knew that you could do anything.

You've made a good choice, because you thought about it and you've

been brave enough to admit that you and Katie might need a bit of help.

I've always told you you could do anything, because I believed it.

And I still do.

It doesn't mean I need you to do everything on your own

to prove me right.

You are a force of nature.

So, none of this worry about letting me down.

Ever.

I couldn't be prouder of you.

No headphones, as you can see.

All the years we wanted it to happen.

Then when it does, it scares you to death.

It scares me to death, Alison, because it meant he was in distress.

I know. Calm down. I wasn't getting at you.

Maurice was right.

When Joe's here, the music, it-it reminds him

that too much has changed. And if he's thinking that he can be

one thing with you and something else with me,

then that's...

That's going to be bad for him.

Consistency is the thing, right?

Well, it is for bed times and getting ready for school, yeah,

but we split up.

Yeah, I'm aware of that.

Well, it split him up, too.

Look, I'm not saying it to make you feel guilty or depressed,

I'm just saying it so that you can see that Joe might be one thing

with you and another with me.

It's just what he has to do to deal with it.

And we have to go along with that, because we had a choice.

He didn't. Right.

We have to just face it on our own, like he does.

Right, so, it's time for you to go there with Mum.

I'll be here.

There. Here. Here. There.

Just like that. Just like that.

MUSIC: Ambition by Subway Sect

# You can take it or leave it as far as we're concerned

# Because we're not concerned with you

# What you want is buried in the present tense

♪ Blind alleyways allay the jewels... ♪

Worries are everybody. OK.

And who's this, who's the good thing?

Rebecca.

OK. What about this?

What would you like to happen? Anything?

It's going to be all right.

Everything's going to be all right.

HE SNORES

BANGING

That hasn't scared me since I was ten years old.

You're not Eddie.

Well spotted.

Rebecca...

..did you take my curry the other night?

And my Scotch egg? Er, yeah.

Sorry about that. Were you saving it for anything special?

Eating it. Digesting it. That kind of arrangement.

Rebecca.

Yeah?

You're eating a fish pie in the middle of the night.

And there's only one other person I've ever seen do that.

Your mother.

When she was pregnant with you.

RUMBLE OF THUNDER

Assuming it still takes two to make a baby, who's the dad?

He's an ex-boyfriend from uni.

Ex right after he found out you were pregnant?

I've met his type before. Your dad, with all due respect.

No. We weren't together.

He'll be involved, but not straight away.

That was his idea, was it?

No, mine.

He's going on a year abroad. I'll bet he is.

It's part of his course, so there was no point

both of us stopping our degrees.

I've got this. I'm sorted with it.

I just have to make sure everyone else is, including my mum and dad.

I know that's asking a lot.

You'll be surprised.

They might take it better than you think.

How did you take it when Mum told you she was pregnant?

You know how your real dad walks funny?

That's how I took it. God!

But if I've learnt anything this week,

it's tell everybody as soon as you can.

Don't keep secrets.

Get your mum and dad together and I'll be with you

every step of the way.

Morning! Hi. Hiya, Daisy.

We'll keep an eye on her, I'll give you a ring

if she seems under the weather. OK.

Morning, Jack. Have a good day.

# Mist closing in, getting thicker One drops out, becoming quicker

# Lights grow dim, they glimmer, The chances smaller

# The odds are slimmer...#

All right, my man. School time.

I'm going to count to three. You're going to give me the boa

and the hat and then you're going to go to school,

or I'll just come with you and embarrass you.

One.

Two.

Three! Dad, nobody will even notice.

I will notice and your teacher will notice.

I'm not five years old.

Just a bit of a dress code dispute here...

Suits you.

And she's got a point. Has the count-to-three routine ever

worked in the history of child-rearing?

But this is what I meant - I've got a daughter who sometimes plays up,

and I'm sorry if I caused offence or spoke out of turn or...

Maybe I overreacted.

I can be a bit over-sensitive around this young man.

Pick a fight where there might not be one.

Does it happen a lot? No, not really.

Once, twice, sometimes three times a day.

Here you are, mate. Morning, Joe. Shall we go in?

Oh, sorry, Heather, I got a bit distracted. I shouted at him

in a car park the other day. What've I told you about shouting

at strange men in car parks? Yeah, well, he was patronising me.

Er, I was not patronising her.

If that's not too patronising to point out.

We are doing emotional regulation in the nurture room later

if you two want to join.

He's had a tricky weekend, Heather. It's all in the book. OK.

Come on.

Right, handshake or hug?

Handshake.

There we go. See you.

It's Ben, by the way.

Oh, yeah, yeah, um...

It's Alison. Alison.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

Yes, I am sticking to my diagnosis, Mrs Marshall,

but do, by all means, consult the internet if you feel the need.

There, see? Fit as a fiddle. Indestructible.

Always a pleasure, Mrs Marshall.

Have you got an appointment?

I don't need an appointment. I'm just showing you.

Indestructible.

And I have to be. It's only been a weekend, Maurice.

And what a weekend it was.

Five crises sorted and not a hair out of place.

I just wanted to reassure you.

Feel my pulse, if you like. I'm medically trained, Maurice.

I'm pretty sure you're alive. My advice still stands.

The next crisis that comes along - walk away.

Hiya. Hi.

Did he get off to school all right? Yeah.

Have you got any idea what's going on? Nah, no.

It'll be fine. She can hardly take the moral high ground, can she?

She was pregnant herself at your age. Yeah. You're right.

You're right. Although I wouldn't use that as your opener.

I haven't got an opener.

You go in there and you start by saying,

"We're going to need a cot."

Oh, that's brilliant.

I'll be with you all the way.

Are you ready?

Ready.

MUSIC: Granadaland by The Wedding Present

I'm going to have a baby and then, it'll be the three of us.

Is there room on the broom for a frog like me?

I've got something I want to give you.

What was your first thought when she gave you that present?

I thought, Louise is going to kill me. One conversation with me,

you've driven 200 miles with a tea break? It was nice.

Being with you.

You have to do 2km in ten minutes and 15 seconds.

How do you mean? I'm joining the army.

What if they let him in? Yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

I think we might have a bit of a problem.