Original subtitles

[music playing]

[SINGING] Every day is a holiday with Hotpoint.

The dishwasher stops all your dishwashing drudgery.

Hotpoint's electric range comes automatically.

Every day's a holiday with Hotpoint.

The refrigerator with wonderful frost away.

Washer and dryer mean goodbye to wash day.

Hotpoint dealers bring you "The Ozzie and Harriet Show."

[music playing]

- And now Hotpoint presents America's favorite family

comedy, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky--

with Don DeFore as Thorny.

[music playing]

- I'm not sure I could eat any pie, Harriet.

That's such a big dinner.

- Oh, you can handle that.

- Oh, Pop, I almost forgot.

Can I take one of your pictures to school tomorrow?

- Picture... Well, sure.

What do you need it for, your school paper?

- No, sir, it's for my homework.

- That's the kind of homework they give you in college.

What am I studying all this junk for?

- Da-- what do you mean your homework?

- Well, it's an experiment we're conducting in our psychology

class.

- Aren't they using white mice anymore?

- Will you please be quiet for a while?

- What experiment is this, Dave?

- It's a discussion on criminal types.

- Uh, criminal types?

- If that doesn't stop your allowance, nothing will.

- What do you mean a discussion on criminal types, Dave?

- Well, it's just that our psychology professor wants

to prove that you can't judge a person's character by his face.

See, everybody in class has to bring

in a picture of his father, and then the professor

mixes them up with pictures of known criminals.

And then the class has to separate the fathers

from the criminals.

- That sounds interesting to me.

- Yeah, I think so.

What do you say, Pop?

Can I have one?

- Sounds kind of silly to me, but if that's your assignment,

go ahead.

- Gee, thanks a lot.

Any special picture you'd like me to take?

- No, I don't care.

Take anyone you like.

There are a lot of them in the album upstairs.

- Uh, pardon me, I think I'll get one before I forget it.

- The album's on the top shelf of our closet, Dave.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Sounds like a very interesting experiment to me.

- Well, yes, but anybody who thinks

you can't judge a person's character by his face

just isn't being realistic.

- Oh, I disagree with you there.

I don't think you can tell a darn thing by a person's face.

- Well, of course you can, Harriet.

Everything a man thinks, everything he does,

shows up in his face.

There are certain little characteristics

you just can't miss.

- Such as what?

- Well, I don't know specifically.

But I do think I can judge a person's character pretty

well by his face.

- Have you seen the evening paper yet?

- No, I haven't.

- Well, we'll just make a little test and see how good you are.

How do you feel about this man?

- Here, let me see.

- Ah, no, no, no.

Just look at the picture.

- Oh.

Why don't you give me something hard?

This guy is easy.

You notice the sloping brow and the deep-set, beady-looking

eyes, and that thin, drawn mouth?

This man is obviously a criminal of some sort.

Who is he?

- The president of the First National Bank.

- Well, of course, those borderline cases

are kind of hard to figure out.

Beside, those newspaper pictures are a little smudgy.

[doorbell ringing]

- Oh, pardon me, I'll get it.

Just a second.

- Mom, can you tell us something about my face right now?

- I sure can.

You look like a fellow who wants another piece of pie.

- Oh, hello, Thorny.

- Hi, Oz.

- Hey, what are you all dressed up for?

- I just had my picture taken.

It's kind of a hurried up job, though.

- Oh, well, how come?

- Well, are you kidding?

Dave is in the same psychology class that Will is, isn't he?

- Oh, you mean to say you had a special picture taken

for that experiment?

- Well, after all, a father has to put his best face forward.

- I know.

But you and I don't have anything to worry about.

We have nice honest--

Yeah, I can see where you would be worried.

- OK, wise guy, we'll see whose picture goes over best.

- It isn't the picture, it's the guy that's in it that counts.

- You're darn right.

If I were you, I'd be plenty worried.

- I'll tell you how worried I am.

I told Dave to go upstairs and pick out any picture of me

he wants, any picture at all.

- Take a look at this.

- Hi, Thorny. - Hi, Harriet.

- How about a piece of pie and a cup of coffee?

- Gee, thanks, but I haven't even had dinner yet.

Thanks anyway.

Pretty nice, huh?

- Well, considering the fact that this was a rushed

job and the face the poor man had to work with,

I think it's OK.

- I guess I'll be running along.

I just wanted you to see my picture, Oz.

- Oh, lots of good luck.

You'll need it.

What's the matter.

- I was just thinking.

Now, I know you're an easygoing fellow, Oz.

As a matter of fact, you're one of the nicest guys I know.

- Oh, gee, thanks a lot, Thorny.

- But to someone who doesn't know you, well,

from a certain angle, you have kind of a mean look.

Why don't you let David pick out a picture where you're petting

a dog or something like that?

- So long, Thorny.

- Just trying to be helpful.

- They'll probably select you as the convict of the week.

- I think I got a good picture here, Pop.

- Oh, fine, Dave, any one at all.

- This one here.

- Oh.

Here, let me get this over by the light where

I can see it better.

- You like it?

I think it looks just like you.

- Well, the only thing, Dave, I haven't

worn a hat in quite a while.

And it's pulled down over my eyes quite a bit.

- You said just to take any one.

- Yeah, I know.

See, and then the way that the hat shades my eyes,

they look kind of small, almost like BBs.

- Maybe you can find another one.

- Yeah, I'll just pick one out at random here.

Hey, here-- No, it's--

No, I guess--

- How about this one, Pop?

- Oh no, Dave, I have kind of a snarl on my face in that one.

Hey, here's a nice one.

[music playing]

- Well, whatever you say, Pop.

It's up to you.

- Yeah, I think that's a nice, friendly-looking picture.

- Well, I got to go do my homework.

I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.

Just leave the picture on the table there.

- OK, Dave.

[music playing]

Hi, Thorny.

- Hi, Oz.

You surprised me.

- What are you doing there?

- I'm just putting a new lock on this door.

- Oh, what for, for goodness sakes?

- Well, the old one was so flimsy, no one could open it.

I've been meaning to change it for a long time.

- Are you kidding?

Who's going to try to pick the lock on your back door?

- Well, you never know.

Say, have you seen David yet?

- No, I haven't.

- I'm just wondering how he made out in that little experiment

that we're conducting.

- Oh, you mean with the photographs.

Well, I don't know.

I just got home this minute.

- Well, Will just got home.

We're talking about it.

You'll never guess what they picked me as.

- Oh, I wondered what you were leading up to.

Let's see.

A rag picker?

- Oh, ha, ha.

- A confidence man in a carnival?

What did they pick you as?

- A banker.

- A banker.

How about that?

Well, you and I kid around a lot, but let's face it,

we have those old-fashioned, honest faces.

- Yeah, I guess you're right--

dull but honest.

- Speak for yourself.

- Well, let me know how you made out.

I wonder what kind of neighbor I got.

- OK, Mr. banker.

- You're home early, aren't you?

- Yeah, a little bit, I guess.

Is Dave home yet? - No, not yet.

Why?

- Oh, I was just wondering.

Thorny says Will's home.

- You're not worried about that psychology experiment, are you?

- No, no, of course not.

Why should I?

You'll never guess what they picked Thorny as.

- What?

- A banker.

- Thorny?

- Yeah.

How about that?

Oh, the more you think of it, he could be a banker.

He has a pleasant, honest face.

And you can judge a person's character by his face.

- Would you like to look at that picture in the paper again?

- That was the exception that proves the rule.

Strange man at the back door.

- Yes, I've never seen him before.

- Yes? Hello.

My name is Jones.

And well, my car broke down up the street a ways here,

and you seem to be the only folks at home.

- Oh, well, won't you come in.

- Thanks.

- Do you want to use our phone or something?

- Well, thank you, but my trouble is--

this is so embarrassing--

I'm a little short of cash, and I

thought I might find someone who'd cash a check for me.

- Oh, well, for how much?

- $10 is all.

- Oh, oh, oh, yes.

This is my wife. This is Mr.--

- Jones, John Jones. - How do you do?

- How do you do?

- He'd like us to cash a small check for him.

- Oh, are you from around here, Mr. Jones?

- Well, as a matter of fact, no.

I'm from out of town.

I was just passing through.

Who should I make this out to?

- Oh, Ozzie Nelson, O-Z-Z-I-E N-E-L-S-O-N.

- I hope you won't misunderstand,

but of course, you have some identification.

- Well, unfortunately, I left my wallet at home.

- That's perfectly all right.

I know an honest face when I see one.

- Oh, thank you.

You're very kind.

- Would you put your license number down there?

- I'd be very glad to, except I don't know it offhand.

You see, I'm driving a friend's car,

and he's from out of state.

[music playing]

Here we are.

- Oh.

Oh.

There we go. - Thank you.

It's been very pleasant meeting you both.

- Well?

- What do you--

well, what?

- You've been took.

[music playing]

- Oh, hi, Dave.

- Oh, hi, Pop.

- How did everything go in school today, son?

- Oh, OK.

- That's good.

I was just wondering, how did your psychology experiment work

out?

- Oh, just fine, I guess.

I'll tell you all about it later.

I better get washed up for dinner.

- Oh, I'll walk upstairs with you.

Dave, just out of curiosity, had did your old man make out?

- Oh, gee, Pop, it was just an experiment.

- Well, I know, and I'm kind of interested to know

how I struck the class.

You can tell me.

It won't go to my head if they thought

I was a financier or something like that.

- It wasn't exactly that, Pop.

- Oh?

Just the average, easygoing, affable type?

- Well, partly, and sort of the average.

- Oh.

Average what?

- Average criminal type.

- Hmm?

- Well, everybody didn't vote that way.

You're not mad, are you, Pop?

- Oh, well, no, no, of course not, Dave.

After all, you can't expect college kids

to have enough experience to judge a person's

character by his face.

- Well, I better get cleaned up.

- Oh, yeah.

[music playing]

[applause]

[music playing]

- What's the matter, dear?

- Harriet, if I ask you a question,

will you tell me the truth?

- Well, naturally.

What makes you think I wouldn't?

Don't I have an honest face?

- Well, yes.

- Well, you don't sound very sure of me.

What's the question?

- Why did you marry me?

- Well, because you didn't look like the kind of a man who

would stand in front of the mirror in his pajamas,

making faces at himself.

- No, I'm serious.

Would you have married me if you thought

I looked like a criminal?

Tell me honestly.

- Well, certainly.

You don't marry a person just because of his looks.

- In other words, I do look like a criminal.

- I didn't say that.

- Well, maybe you didn't, but David's whole class did.

- Well, how do you know it was the whole class?

Maybe you just lost by a couple of votes.

- OK, then the majority of David's class

thought I looked like a criminal.

- You're just making yourself miserable over nothing.

- Nothing?

Harriet, how can you say that's nothing?

All of a sudden, a man discovers that he

has a criminal-type face?

- Dear, you don't have a criminal-type face.

Now go to sleep.

- Good night, dear.

- Good night, Louie.

[music playing]

Here's a hand mirror, dear.

Save yourself a trip.

[music playing]

- Harriet, turn on your light, quick.

- What's the matter?

- Turn your light on, please, quick.

Is there anything stamped across my face?

- Well, no.

Why?

- Oh.

Never mind.

Go to sleep.

Don't worry, dear.

- Ozzie, breakfast is ready.

- I'll be right there.

- For goodness sakes, I was beginning

to get worried about you.

Your breakfast is getting cold.

- Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

- What are you doing, for goodness sakes?

- Gee, I--

I'm sorry, I'm just not myself this morning.

Harriet, I hardly slept at all last night.

- Well, who did?

Seems to me you were up every five minutes

looking at yourself in the mirror.

- Well, I had the darndest dreams, practically nightmares.

- Oh, this is ridiculous, dear.

- Well, it's easy enough for you to say that.

How would you feel if all of a sudden,

you discovered you looked like a criminal

after thinking all these years, you

had a pleasant, honest face?

- Well, you're missing the whole point of the experiment.

That's exactly what the professor was trying to prove,

that you can't tell a thing about a person by his face.

- Oh, in other words, I do look like a criminal,

and you've known it all these years.

- You don't look like a criminal at all.

- Well, then why is it everybody treats me as if I do?

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, a lot of things.

For instance, yesterday morning, out of a clear, blue sky,

Thorny puts a new lock on his back door.

- That was pure coincidence.

That had nothing to do with you.

- Well, that's just one of a series of things.

I've been thinking about a lot of things

that have happened in the past.

For instance, when I was in junior high school,

I ran for class treasurer and I lost.

- That doesn't prove anything.

- I remember when we were kids, we

used to play cops and robbers.

Who do you suppose was always selected as one of the robbers?

- Oh, this is silly.

Come on, eat your breakfast and forget about it.

- Oh, by the way, I'll probably be a little late coming home

this afternoon.

I want to stop off at the library

and get a couple of books.

- Oh, what kind of books?

- On criminal psychology.

Is this the same kind of coffee we've always been using?

- Yes, it is.

Why?

- It tastes better this morning.

Kinda sweeter.

- May I help you, sir?

- I'd like to check these two books out, please.

- May I have your library card, please?

- Oh.

See, I guess I forgot it.

- I'm sorry, we can't let you check out

any books without a card.

- Well, I do have a card.

It's just that I left it home.

- Well, if you want to leave the books here and go home and get

your card.

- Well, is that necessary?

I can assure you, I do have a card.

If you look in your files, you'll

see I'm telling the truth.

- I'm sorry, sir, but those are my instructions.

You have to have the card with you.

- Well, I've been borrowing books from here for years.

I'm not trying to steal the books.

- Would you mind keeping your voice down a little, please?

- I say, I'm not trying to steal the books.

- I'm sure you're not.

- Just because a man looks like a criminal doesn't mean

he is one.

- I'm not suggesting anything like that, sir.

It's just that I have to follow the rules.

I'm sorry.

[drum beating]

[music playing]

- Pardon me.

[music playing]

- Hi, dear.

- Oh, hi.

- I thought you were going to stop off at the library.

- Yeah, I did.

- What's the matter?

Couldn't you find the books you wanted?

- Yeah, I found them, but they wouldn't lend them to me.

I didn't have my card with me, and the librarian

took one look at my face and decided I couldn't be trusted.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

- Well, maybe it is.

But I'm developing a regular guilt complex.

All the way home, I had the feeling

people were turning around staring at me.

- Oh, Pop.

- Oh, hi, Dave.

- I've been looking for you.

Do you mind if I ask you a few questions about our psychology

experiment? - Oh, no, not right now, David.

- No, no, that's OK.

What do you want to know, son?

- Well, first, how do you feel about the experiment,

in general?

- Well, I must admit I used to think

you could tell something about a person's character

by looking at his face.

But obviously, I was wrong.

Because I'm certainly no criminal and yet, evidently,

I look like one.

- How do you feel about being selected as a criminal type?

- Well, at first, I thought the whole idea was ridiculous.

Then I began to realize it's true.

I do look like a criminal.

It's just I never realized it before.

- Well, you could never be a criminal, dear.

- Well, I know.

It isn't that I'm a criminal.

It's just that unfortunately, I happen to look like one.

- Well, gee, Pop, to tell you the truth,

you don't even look like one.

- Well, thanks, Dave.

It's nice of you to try to make me feel good.

- Oh, I mean it, Pop.

Let me explain the experiment to you.

See, everyone in the class was told

to go home and tell his father that he had been

picked as the criminal type.

- I don't get that.

- Well, actually, it was an experiment

to observe the father's reaction to a psychological shock.

- You mean, the class didn't pick me as a criminal type?

- Heck, no.

As a matter of fact, they said you

look like a pretty swell guy.

- Well, how about that?

- Good for you, dear.

- Harriet, did you hear what Dave just said?

The fellows in his class thought I

looked like a pretty swell guy.

- And just when I was learning how to

bake a cake with a file in it.

- I even had myself convinced people were staring at me.

- Wait a minute.

- What's the matter?

- Well, no wonder they were all staring at you downtown.

You've got paint all over your coat.

- And here I thought it was because I

looked like a criminal.

Well, see, Harriet, I was right.

People are what they look like.

- All right, but I'll bet you never see that $10 again.

- What $10?

- Oh, your father cashed a check for $10

for an absolute stranger who came to the door.

- Well, and I'm not worried about it at all, Dave.

The man had an honest face.

- Hey, that must have been my professor.

As part of the experiment, he went around

to a lot of different houses to see

if people would trust him enough to lend him some money.

- What have you got to say about that?

- All right, you win, baby face.

I'm going up to take this paint off your coat.

- Here, let me help you, Mom.

- Well, how's my little, old criminal friend this evening?

- You big phony, you.

I've been looking for you.

Did you know that every kid in the class

was supposed to go home and tell his father that he had been

selected as a criminal type?

- Sure I did.

- Well, then how come you claimed

you were picked as a banker?

- Well, that's true, Oz.

They said I was the same type as a president of the First

National Bank.

- Well, wait a minute.

What are you talking about?

- Well, did you see his picture in the paper?

- Oh, that guy.

Yeah, it was very embarrassing, too.

Harriet showed me his picture, and I

said he looked like a criminal.

- Well, did you read the article?

- Well, no.

She just showed me his picture.

Why?

- Why do you suppose his picture was in the paper?

- She didn't say.

- He absconded with $50,000.

[applause]

- Harriet?

Harriet?

[music playing]

Oh, Dave, before I forget it, when you get to class today,

will you give this check to Professor Jones

and ask him to give me my $10 back?

- Jones?

- Well, yes, Professor John Jones,

your psychology professor.

- Well, my professor's name is Lamont.

William Thaddeus Lamont.

- Oh.

Well, he probably just took that name for the experiment.

Is he a man about 30 years of age,

with glasses, about six feet one?

- No.

He's about 50, and he's real short,

and has a little black mustache.

- Well, don't worry, dear.

He ought to be easy to find.

You can always get in touch with him through his bank.

Security Trust Company of Lower Gopher Hole, Montana.

[applause and music playing]

- Well, good night, folks.

See you again next week.

- Goodnight.

And remember, every day's a holiday with Hotpoint.

- Seven days a week.

- 365 days a year.

- Every day's a holiday with Hotpoint.

[applause and music playing]

- Jack Wagner was seen as the man

who cashed the check, Georgia Pelham as the librarian.

This is Verne Smith speaking.

[music playing]

This has been an ABC Television Network presentation.