All language subtitles for The.Adventures.Of.Ozzie.And.Harriet.S04E24.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP2.0.x264-CRFW.en

[music playing]

[SINGING] Every day is
a holiday with Hotpoint.

The dishwasher stops all
your dishwashing drudgery.

Hotpoint's electric range
comes automatically.

Every day's a holiday
with Hotpoint.

The refrigerator with
wonderful frost away.

Washer and dryer mean
goodbye to wash day.

Hotpoint dealers bring you
"The Ozzie and Harriet Show."

[music playing]

- And now Hotpoint presents
America's favorite family

comedy, "The Adventures
of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire
Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet,
David, and Ricky--

with Don DeFore as Thorny.

[music playing]

- I'm not sure I could
eat any pie, Harriet.

That's such a big dinner.

- Oh, you can handle that.

- Oh, Pop, I almost forgot.

Can I take one of your
pictures to school tomorrow?

- Picture...
Well, sure.

What do you need it
for, your school paper?

- No, sir, it's for my homework.

- That's the kind of homework
they give you in college.

What am I studying
all this junk for?

- Da-- what do you
mean your homework?

- Well, it's an experiment we're
conducting in our psychology

class.

- Aren't they using
white mice anymore?

- Will you please be
quiet for a while?

- What experiment is this, Dave?

- It's a discussion
on criminal types.

- Uh, criminal types?

- If that doesn't stop your
allowance, nothing will.

- What do you mean a discussion
on criminal types, Dave?

- Well, it's just that our
psychology professor wants

to prove that you can't judge a
person's character by his face.

See, everybody in
class has to bring

in a picture of his father,
and then the professor

mixes them up with pictures
of known criminals.

And then the class has
to separate the fathers

from the criminals.

- That sounds interesting to me.

- Yeah, I think so.

What do you say, Pop?

Can I have one?

- Sounds kind of silly to me,
but if that's your assignment,

go ahead.

- Gee, thanks a lot.

Any special picture
you'd like me to take?

- No, I don't care.

Take anyone you like.

There are a lot of them
in the album upstairs.

- Uh, pardon me, I think I'll
get one before I forget it.

- The album's on the top
shelf of our closet, Dave.

- Thanks, Mom.

- Sounds like a very
interesting experiment to me.

- Well, yes, but
anybody who thinks

you can't judge a person's
character by his face

just isn't being realistic.

- Oh, I disagree with you there.

I don't think you can tell a
darn thing by a person's face.

- Well, of course
you can, Harriet.

Everything a man thinks,
everything he does,

shows up in his face.

There are certain
little characteristics

you just can't miss.

- Such as what?

- Well, I don't
know specifically.

But I do think I can judge
a person's character pretty

well by his face.

- Have you seen the
evening paper yet?

- No, I haven't.

- Well, we'll just make a little
test and see how good you are.

How do you feel about this man?

- Here, let me see.

- Ah, no, no, no.

Just look at the picture.

- Oh.

Why don't you give
me something hard?

This guy is easy.

You notice the sloping brow
and the deep-set, beady-looking

eyes, and that
thin, drawn mouth?

This man is obviously a
criminal of some sort.

Who is he?

- The president of the
First National Bank.

- Well, of course,
those borderline cases

are kind of hard to figure out.

Beside, those newspaper
pictures are a little smudgy.

[doorbell ringing]

- Oh, pardon me, I'll get it.

Just a second.

- Mom, can you tell us something
about my face right now?

- I sure can.

You look like a fellow who
wants another piece of pie.

- Oh, hello, Thorny.

- Hi, Oz.

- Hey, what are you
all dressed up for?

- I just had my picture taken.

It's kind of a hurried
up job, though.

- Oh, well, how come?

- Well, are you kidding?

Dave is in the same psychology
class that Will is, isn't he?

- Oh, you mean to say you
had a special picture taken

for that experiment?

- Well, after all, a father has
to put his best face forward.

- I know.

But you and I don't have
anything to worry about.

We have nice honest--

Yeah, I can see where
you would be worried.

- OK, wise guy, we'll see
whose picture goes over best.

- It isn't the picture, it's the
guy that's in it that counts.

- You're darn right.

If I were you, I'd
be plenty worried.

- I'll tell you
how worried I am.

I told Dave to go upstairs
and pick out any picture of me

he wants, any picture at all.

- Take a look at this.

- Hi, Thorny.
- Hi, Harriet.

- How about a piece of
pie and a cup of coffee?

- Gee, thanks, but I
haven't even had dinner yet.

Thanks anyway.

Pretty nice, huh?

- Well, considering the
fact that this was a rushed

job and the face the poor
man had to work with,

I think it's OK.

- I guess I'll be running along.

I just wanted you to
see my picture, Oz.

- Oh, lots of good luck.

You'll need it.

What's the matter.

- I was just thinking.

Now, I know you're an
easygoing fellow, Oz.

As a matter of fact, you're
one of the nicest guys I know.

- Oh, gee, thanks a lot, Thorny.

- But to someone who
doesn't know you, well,

from a certain angle, you
have kind of a mean look.

Why don't you let David pick out
a picture where you're petting

a dog or something like that?

- So long, Thorny.

- Just trying to be helpful.

- They'll probably select you
as the convict of the week.

- I think I got a good
picture here, Pop.

- Oh, fine, Dave,
any one at all.

- This one here.

- Oh.

Here, let me get this
over by the light where

I can see it better.

- You like it?

I think it looks just like you.

- Well, the only
thing, Dave, I haven't

worn a hat in quite a while.

And it's pulled down
over my eyes quite a bit.

- You said just to take any one.

- Yeah, I know.

See, and then the way that
the hat shades my eyes,

they look kind of
small, almost like BBs.

- Maybe you can
find another one.

- Yeah, I'll just pick
one out at random here.

Hey, here-- No, it's--

No, I guess--

- How about this one, Pop?

- Oh no, Dave, I have kind of
a snarl on my face in that one.

Hey, here's a nice one.

[music playing]

- Well, whatever you say, Pop.

It's up to you.

- Yeah, I think that's a nice,
friendly-looking picture.

- Well, I got to
go do my homework.

I'll let you know
what happens tomorrow.

Just leave the picture
on the table there.

- OK, Dave.

[music playing]

Hi, Thorny.

- Hi, Oz.

You surprised me.

- What are you doing there?

- I'm just putting a
new lock on this door.

- Oh, what for,
for goodness sakes?

- Well, the old one was so
flimsy, no one could open it.

I've been meaning to
change it for a long time.

- Are you kidding?

Who's going to try to pick
the lock on your back door?

- Well, you never know.

Say, have you seen David yet?

- No, I haven't.

- I'm just wondering how he made
out in that little experiment

that we're conducting.

- Oh, you mean with
the photographs.

Well, I don't know.

I just got home this minute.

- Well, Will just got home.

We're talking about it.

You'll never guess
what they picked me as.

- Oh, I wondered what
you were leading up to.

Let's see.

A rag picker?

- Oh, ha, ha.

- A confidence
man in a carnival?

What did they pick you as?

- A banker.

- A banker.

How about that?

Well, you and I kid around
a lot, but let's face it,

we have those
old-fashioned, honest faces.

- Yeah, I guess you're right--

dull but honest.

- Speak for yourself.

- Well, let me know
how you made out.

I wonder what kind
of neighbor I got.

- OK, Mr. banker.

- You're home early, aren't you?

- Yeah, a little bit, I guess.

Is Dave home yet?
- No, not yet.

Why?

- Oh, I was just wondering.

Thorny says Will's home.

- You're not worried about that
psychology experiment, are you?

- No, no, of course not.

Why should I?

You'll never guess what
they picked Thorny as.

- What?

- A banker.

- Thorny?

- Yeah.

How about that?

Oh, the more you think of
it, he could be a banker.

He has a pleasant, honest face.

And you can judge a person's
character by his face.

- Would you like to look at
that picture in the paper again?

- That was the exception
that proves the rule.

Strange man at the back door.

- Yes, I've never
seen him before.

- Yes?
Hello.

My name is Jones.

And well, my car broke down
up the street a ways here,

and you seem to be the
only folks at home.

- Oh, well, won't you come in.

- Thanks.

- Do you want to use
our phone or something?

- Well, thank you,
but my trouble is--

this is so embarrassing--

I'm a little short
of cash, and I

thought I might find someone
who'd cash a check for me.

- Oh, well, for how much?

- $10 is all.

- Oh, oh, oh, yes.

This is my wife.
This is Mr.--

- Jones, John Jones.
- How do you do?

- How do you do?

- He'd like us to cash
a small check for him.

- Oh, are you from
around here, Mr. Jones?

- Well, as a matter of fact, no.

I'm from out of town.

I was just passing through.

Who should I make this out to?

- Oh, Ozzie Nelson,
O-Z-Z-I-E N-E-L-S-O-N.

- I hope you won't
misunderstand,

but of course, you have
some identification.

- Well, unfortunately, I
left my wallet at home.

- That's perfectly all right.

I know an honest
face when I see one.

- Oh, thank you.

You're very kind.

- Would you put your
license number down there?

- I'd be very glad to, except
I don't know it offhand.

You see, I'm driving
a friend's car,

and he's from out of state.

[music playing]

Here we are.

- Oh.

Oh.

There we go.
- Thank you.

It's been very pleasant
meeting you both.

- Well?

- What do you--

well, what?

- You've been took.

[music playing]

- Oh, hi, Dave.

- Oh, hi, Pop.

- How did everything go
in school today, son?

- Oh, OK.

- That's good.

I was just wondering, how did
your psychology experiment work

out?

- Oh, just fine, I guess.

I'll tell you all
about it later.

I better get washed
up for dinner.

- Oh, I'll walk
upstairs with you.

Dave, just out of curiosity,
had did your old man make out?

- Oh, gee, Pop, it was
just an experiment.

- Well, I know, and I'm
kind of interested to know

how I struck the class.

You can tell me.

It won't go to my
head if they thought

I was a financier or
something like that.

- It wasn't exactly that, Pop.

- Oh?

Just the average,
easygoing, affable type?

- Well, partly, and
sort of the average.

- Oh.

Average what?

- Average criminal type.

- Hmm?

- Well, everybody
didn't vote that way.

You're not mad, are you, Pop?

- Oh, well, no, no,
of course not, Dave.

After all, you can't
expect college kids

to have enough experience
to judge a person's

character by his face.

- Well, I better get cleaned up.

- Oh, yeah.

[music playing]

[applause]

[music playing]

- What's the matter, dear?

- Harriet, if I
ask you a question,

will you tell me the truth?

- Well, naturally.

What makes you think I wouldn't?

Don't I have an honest face?

- Well, yes.

- Well, you don't
sound very sure of me.

What's the question?

- Why did you marry me?

- Well, because you didn't
look like the kind of a man who

would stand in front of
the mirror in his pajamas,

making faces at himself.

- No, I'm serious.

Would you have married
me if you thought

I looked like a criminal?

Tell me honestly.

- Well, certainly.

You don't marry a person
just because of his looks.

- In other words, I do
look like a criminal.

- I didn't say that.

- Well, maybe you didn't,
but David's whole class did.

- Well, how do you know
it was the whole class?

Maybe you just lost
by a couple of votes.

- OK, then the majority
of David's class

thought I looked
like a criminal.

- You're just making yourself
miserable over nothing.

- Nothing?

Harriet, how can you
say that's nothing?

All of a sudden, a
man discovers that he

has a criminal-type face?

- Dear, you don't have
a criminal-type face.

Now go to sleep.

- Good night, dear.

- Good night, Louie.

[music playing]

Here's a hand mirror, dear.

Save yourself a trip.

[music playing]

- Harriet, turn on
your light, quick.

- What's the matter?

- Turn your light
on, please, quick.

Is there anything
stamped across my face?

- Well, no.

Why?

- Oh.

Never mind.

Go to sleep.

Don't worry, dear.

- Ozzie, breakfast is ready.

- I'll be right there.

- For goodness sakes,
I was beginning

to get worried about you.

Your breakfast is getting cold.

- Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

- What are you doing,
for goodness sakes?

- Gee, I--

I'm sorry, I'm just not
myself this morning.

Harriet, I hardly slept
at all last night.

- Well, who did?

Seems to me you were
up every five minutes

looking at yourself
in the mirror.

- Well, I had the darndest
dreams, practically nightmares.

- Oh, this is ridiculous, dear.

- Well, it's easy enough
for you to say that.

How would you feel
if all of a sudden,

you discovered you
looked like a criminal

after thinking all
these years, you

had a pleasant, honest face?

- Well, you're missing the
whole point of the experiment.

That's exactly what the
professor was trying to prove,

that you can't tell a thing
about a person by his face.

- Oh, in other words, I
do look like a criminal,

and you've known
it all these years.

- You don't look like
a criminal at all.

- Well, then why is it
everybody treats me as if I do?

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, a lot of things.

For instance, yesterday morning,
out of a clear, blue sky,

Thorny puts a new
lock on his back door.

- That was pure coincidence.

That had nothing to do with you.

- Well, that's just one
of a series of things.

I've been thinking
about a lot of things

that have happened in the past.

For instance, when I was
in junior high school,

I ran for class
treasurer and I lost.

- That doesn't prove anything.

- I remember when
we were kids, we

used to play cops and robbers.

Who do you suppose was always
selected as one of the robbers?

- Oh, this is silly.

Come on, eat your breakfast
and forget about it.

- Oh, by the way, I'll probably
be a little late coming home

this afternoon.

I want to stop
off at the library

and get a couple of books.

- Oh, what kind of books?

- On criminal psychology.

Is this the same kind of
coffee we've always been using?

- Yes, it is.

Why?

- It tastes better this morning.

Kinda sweeter.

- May I help you, sir?

- I'd like to check these
two books out, please.

- May I have your
library card, please?

- Oh.

See, I guess I forgot it.

- I'm sorry, we can't
let you check out

any books without a card.

- Well, I do have a card.

It's just that I left it home.

- Well, if you want to leave the
books here and go home and get

your card.

- Well, is that necessary?

I can assure you,
I do have a card.

If you look in
your files, you'll

see I'm telling the truth.

- I'm sorry, sir, but
those are my instructions.

You have to have
the card with you.

- Well, I've been borrowing
books from here for years.

I'm not trying to
steal the books.

- Would you mind keeping your
voice down a little, please?

- I say, I'm not trying
to steal the books.

- I'm sure you're not.

- Just because a man looks
like a criminal doesn't mean

he is one.

- I'm not suggesting
anything like that, sir.

It's just that I have
to follow the rules.

I'm sorry.

[drum beating]

[music playing]

- Pardon me.

[music playing]

- Hi, dear.

- Oh, hi.

- I thought you were going
to stop off at the library.

- Yeah, I did.

- What's the matter?

Couldn't you find
the books you wanted?

- Yeah, I found them, but
they wouldn't lend them to me.

I didn't have my card
with me, and the librarian

took one look at my face and
decided I couldn't be trusted.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.

- Well, maybe it is.

But I'm developing a
regular guilt complex.

All the way home,
I had the feeling

people were turning
around staring at me.

- Oh, Pop.

- Oh, hi, Dave.

- I've been looking for you.

Do you mind if I ask you a few
questions about our psychology

experiment?
- Oh, no, not right now, David.

- No, no, that's OK.

What do you want to know, son?

- Well, first, how do you
feel about the experiment,

in general?

- Well, I must admit
I used to think

you could tell something
about a person's character

by looking at his face.

But obviously, I was wrong.

Because I'm certainly no
criminal and yet, evidently,

I look like one.

- How do you feel about being
selected as a criminal type?

- Well, at first, I thought
the whole idea was ridiculous.

Then I began to
realize it's true.

I do look like a criminal.

It's just I never
realized it before.

- Well, you could never
be a criminal, dear.

- Well, I know.

It isn't that I'm a criminal.

It's just that unfortunately,
I happen to look like one.

- Well, gee, Pop, to
tell you the truth,

you don't even look like one.

- Well, thanks, Dave.

It's nice of you to try
to make me feel good.

- Oh, I mean it, Pop.

Let me explain the
experiment to you.

See, everyone in
the class was told

to go home and tell his
father that he had been

picked as the criminal type.

- I don't get that.

- Well, actually,
it was an experiment

to observe the father's reaction
to a psychological shock.

- You mean, the class didn't
pick me as a criminal type?

- Heck, no.

As a matter of
fact, they said you

look like a pretty swell guy.

- Well, how about that?

- Good for you, dear.

- Harriet, did you hear
what Dave just said?

The fellows in his
class thought I

looked like a pretty swell guy.

- And just when I
was learning how to

bake a cake with a file in it.

- I even had myself convinced
people were staring at me.

- Wait a minute.

- What's the matter?

- Well, no wonder they were
all staring at you downtown.

You've got paint
all over your coat.

- And here I thought
it was because I

looked like a criminal.

Well, see, Harriet, I was right.

People are what they look like.

- All right, but I'll bet
you never see that $10 again.

- What $10?

- Oh, your father
cashed a check for $10

for an absolute stranger
who came to the door.

- Well, and I'm not worried
about it at all, Dave.

The man had an honest face.

- Hey, that must have
been my professor.

As part of the
experiment, he went around

to a lot of different
houses to see

if people would trust him
enough to lend him some money.

- What have you got
to say about that?

- All right, you win, baby face.

I'm going up to take
this paint off your coat.

- Here, let me help you, Mom.

- Well, how's my little, old
criminal friend this evening?

- You big phony, you.

I've been looking for you.

Did you know that
every kid in the class

was supposed to go home and
tell his father that he had been

selected as a criminal type?

- Sure I did.

- Well, then how
come you claimed

you were picked as a banker?

- Well, that's true, Oz.

They said I was the same type
as a president of the First

National Bank.

- Well, wait a minute.

What are you talking about?

- Well, did you see his
picture in the paper?

- Oh, that guy.

Yeah, it was very
embarrassing, too.

Harriet showed me
his picture, and I

said he looked like a criminal.

- Well, did you
read the article?

- Well, no.

She just showed me his picture.

Why?

- Why do you suppose his
picture was in the paper?

- She didn't say.

- He absconded with $50,000.

[applause]

- Harriet?

Harriet?

[music playing]

Oh, Dave, before I forget it,
when you get to class today,

will you give this
check to Professor Jones

and ask him to give
me my $10 back?

- Jones?

- Well, yes,
Professor John Jones,

your psychology professor.

- Well, my professor's
name is Lamont.

William Thaddeus Lamont.

- Oh.

Well, he probably just took
that name for the experiment.

Is he a man about
30 years of age,

with glasses,
about six feet one?

- No.

He's about 50, and
he's real short,

and has a little black mustache.

- Well, don't worry, dear.

He ought to be easy to find.

You can always get in touch
with him through his bank.

Security Trust Company of
Lower Gopher Hole, Montana.

[applause and music playing]

- Well, good night, folks.

See you again next week.

- Goodnight.

And remember, every day's
a holiday with Hotpoint.

- Seven days a week.

- 365 days a year.

- Every day's a
holiday with Hotpoint.

[applause and music playing]

- Jack Wagner was
seen as the man

who cashed the check, Georgia
Pelham as the librarian.

This is Verne Smith speaking.

[music playing]

This has been an ABC Television
Network presentation.