Original subtitles

- Would you like to see a nice color picture of us Nelsons?

It's on the cover of the March issue of "TV Star Parade."

I've written an article for the magazine, too.

It's called "I'm Glad I'm a Working Wife."

I hope you like it.

Oh, and while you're down at the drugstore,

be sure and get a bottle of Listerine.

We always like to have an extra bottle on hand, particularly

during the colds and sore throat season.

- Listerine, the most widely used antiseptic in the world,

and Antizyme, the first all day antienzyme toothpaste,

present "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family.

Here is Ozzie, who plays the part of Ozzie Nelson.

And of course, his lovely wife Harriet as Harriet Nelson.

The older of the Nelson boys, David, appears as David Nelson,

and his younger brother, the irrepressible Ricky,

played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelson's next door neighbor, Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

- Do you want to do something, David?

- Aw, I'd rather just sit here and relax for a while.

- Come on, let's do something.

- Like what?

- Let's play some cards.

- Not with you.

Who wants to play Fish all afternoon?

- What are you talkin' about?

I beat you the last time we played gin rummy.

Let's play some poker, seven card stud with aces deuces

wild.

- I promised mom I'd take her downtown in a little while.

- Well, I have to go over to Georgie Dunkle's house, too.

Let's play til mom gets ready.

- I wish you would, Dave.

I'd like to finish this article.

- Boy, you sure are persistent.

Where's the card table, Pop?

- Oh, I think it's in the hall closet there.

- Hmm, I can't find the cards.

Oh, I know where they are.

You get the card table.

I'll get the cards.

- Well, that's an uneven trade if I ever heard one.

Don't strain yourself.

How am I supposed to get the card table out of here

with all this junk in front of it?

- Move it out of the way.

Don't be so lazy.

Very good, David.

Very good.

Now show us the swan dive.

- Don't be funny.

What do you got all these electric trains in here

for anyway?

- Hurt yourself, Dave?

- No, I'm all right, Pop.

- Hey, what's going on down here?

- Oh, it's nothing serious.

David just fell down.

- You know David and his big feet.

- At least you should be interested to know

whether I broke anything.

They're your trains, little boy.

- How could you break anything?

You didn't even hurt yourself.

- You know what I mean.

- It wouldn't do any harm to look the trains over, Rick.

- Oh, they're OK, Pop.

Just push them back in the closet, David.

- Come back here, will ya?

Give me a hand with this stuff.

As I said before, they're your trains.

- I haven't even looked at them for a year and a half.

- Well, as the man said when we bought them,

"There's nothing like an electric train

to make a small boy go wild with delight."

- Rick, how come you got them stuck in the closet there?

- I don't know.

I guess I just outgrew them.

I'm not a small boy anymore.

- No, but you're small.

The question is, a small what?

- Look, as long as you're not using these anymore,

why don't you take them out to the garage?

- Gee, they're a lot handier here in the closet, mom.

- I thought you weren't interested in them anymore.

- I'm not, but I'm not interested in carrying them out

to the garage either.

- Oh, but you will do it, won't you?

- I don't think there's any doubt about that.

- You want to give me a hand, Pop?

- Oh, that's OK, son.

I'll take care of them for you.

Look at this cattle car.

These little doors open and close.

They have stalls here for the cattle.

- Pretty corny, huh, Pop?

- I don't think it's corny at all.

I think it's a darn nice little set.

It's a shame to have this stuck away in the closet

or out in the garage.

You sure you're not interested in this anymore?

- No, really, Pop.

It gets kind of tiresome.

All it does is go round and round.

- And Ricky can't stand the competition.

- OK, David, I'm not as dumb as you think.

I'd show you if I had a chemistry set.

- A chemistry set?

- Yes, ma'am.

Now there's something I'd really like to have.

- Are you kidding?

Chemistry sets are for kids about 10 years old.

- Oh, yeah?

Georgie Dunkle has one that could blow up this whole block.

- Wait a minute.

- Oh, we don't fool around with the explosive stuff, Mom.

Right now, we're working on a big experiment.

- Yeah, I can see the headlines now.

"Ricky Nelson invents colored water."

- Oh, yeah.

- Say, Rick, I think I know how you could get a chemistry set.

- How, Mom?

- Well, you say you're tired of the trains,

and I think the hobby shop takes trade-ins.

Why don't you go down there and see what you can do?

- Yeah, sounds like a good idea.

What do you think, Pop?

- Hmm?

Oh, yeah, I think they'd probably trade it

for you if you want them to.

- OK, I'll go down there the first thing in the morning.

Right now, I have to get over to Georgie's house.

We're winding up a big experiment.

- Well, wait a minute.

What are you making?

- I'd rather not say with David here.

Besides, what's so funny about colored water?

[train whistling]

[door knocking]

- Oh, hiya, Thorny.

- Hi, Oz.

Hey, what's going on in here?

- Nothing, why?

- Well, that's pretty crushing.

I'd swear I heard a long low whistle when I walked by.

- Oh, that, oh, that was Ricky's train whistle.

He's got his train set up here in the living room.

- Well, that's the last time I'll believe those hair oil

ads.

Say, wait a minute, I just saw Ricky across the street.

How could he be running the train if he's not here?

- Oh, oh, uh, well, maybe you just

imagined you heard the train whistle.

- Well, maybe.

Harriet and David home?

- No, they went downtown.

- Oh, you're home alone, just you and the trains?

- Now, wait a minute, Thorny.

Are you suggesting that I, a full-grown man,

would be sitting here in the living

room playing with trains?

In the first place, I'm not especially

interested in trains and-- and, uh,

and I'm not the mechanical type.

And-- and--

- And the engine's still warm.

- And the engine is still warm.

Don't be ridiculous, Thorny.

- Well, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Oz.

We've all got to face second childhood sometime.

- Here, I'll show you.

[train whistling]

See, I was kind of looking to set over trying

to figure out what it's worth.

Ricky wants to trade it in tomorrow for a chemistry set.

- Well, how lucky can you get?

Well, there's no end of exciting things

a father could do with one of those chemistry sets.

- Say, if you want to be of some help,

you could give me a hand putting this in the box.

Ricky wants to take it down the store tomorrow morning.

- OK.

Say, wait a minute, why don't we take them down

to the store for him?

Maybe we can get a better deal than he can.

- Oh, well, I think we ought to check with Ricky first.

- What, you want to get the best deal, don't you?

Come on, let's take it down to Talbot's hobby shop.

- Oh, well, now, just a second, uh, Thorny.

What's the big hurry?

We can do it just as well tomorrow morning.

- Well, do you think it's fair to make him wait that long

for the chemistry set?

Come on, let's go.

- I-- I don't think we should.

- You know, I hear they have a real big model train

layout down at Talbots.

Beautiful trains.

- Well, of course, there is this fact.

He's kind of eager to get the chemistry set.

- Even lets the customers operate them.

Beautiful trains, just like the real thing.

- Hey, uh, maybe you're right, Thorny.

It would be kind of fun to surprise Rick.

- Good afternoon.

Can I help you?

- Yes, I was wondering, do you buy used electric trains?

- Yes, well, that is, we accept them as trade-ins

if they're in good shape.

- Well, I think you'll find these are in good shape.

They've only had one owner, my small son.

And he's getting kind of tired of them

and he'd like to trade them in for a chemistry set.

- I see.

- Well, it seems to be in pretty good condition.

- Oh, it's in excellent condition.

It's just that he feels he's getting a little

old for this sort of thing.

- Maybe he's lost interest because he

hasn't got all the equipment.

Now, if you'll step over here where we have the trains,

I'll show you what I mean. - All right.

- Wait a minute, Oz, don't go.

He's only trying to sell you something.

- Won't hurt to go over there and take a look at this stuff.

- Here we are.

We're very proud of this setup.

We have just about everything you could want here.

There's the water tower, that's the lumber loader,

trestle bridge, rotating beacon, and all sorts

of automatic gadgets.

- Could we see that, uh, cattle loader in operation?

- Yes, of course.

See how it jiggles the cows up the ramp and into the car?

- Hey, that's pretty cute.

Uh, would you mind putting on a demonstration

of the trains in action for us?

- Not at all.

We've developed a few unusual railroad techniques here.

Oh, you gentlemen are from the neighborhood, aren't you?

- Oh, yes. - Sure, why?

- Just checking.

We don't want any spies in here from the Baltimore and Ohio.

Oh, uh, don't lean over the railing, please.

The comet express is due any minute.

- It does look pretty realistic.

[train whistling]

- That's really swell.

Uh, would you mind showing us how to run it?

- Not at all.

This throttle controls the speed.

This gadget here starts and stops the train.

These levers control the switches.

Oh, pardon me, I've got another customer.

Go right ahead, it's a foolproof system.

- You don't know Mr. Nelson.

- That's a nice thing to say.

Please.

- Might as well make this official.

- Oh!

- Oz, you're supposed to turn the switch on first.

- Thorny, I'm supposed to run the trains.

You heard the man.

- Well, he gave me a hat, too.

We're both supposed to run it.

- OK, you can flip on the switch.

- Gee, thanks.

[train set running]

[crossing bell ringing]

[train whistling]

[crossing bell ringing]

Speak to me, Casey.

Speak to me.

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

We seemed to have caused a wreck here.

- There's no damage done.

These little trains are very sturdy.

There we are.

Just flip on the switch and away we go.

[train set running]

- Oh, thanks a lot.

Thorny, when you flip off the switch, the trains stop.

- I know, that's the idea.

Aren't you forgetting something?

We came down here to trade in Ricky's train for a chemistry

set.

- Well, gee, where is Ricky's train set?

- Oh, it's right over here. - Oh.

- However, the trade-in value of a train like this is pretty

low.

Actually, it could be worth more as a starter set

for a real layout.

- Say, that's an idea.

Maybe we ought to have Ricky come down

and look over the whole deal.

- Oh, for heaven's sakes, Oz, you

promised the boy you'd trade this in for a chemistry set.

- I didn't promise him anything of the sort.

- Well, you know he wants one.

He wants the chemistry set and he

doesn't want the train anymore.

- Well, yeah, I guess you're right.

How much will you allow me for the train set?

- Well, let's see now.

Seems to be in pretty good condition.

- Uh oh.

This door doesn't work.

- Well, certainly it does.

- Well, it doesn't work very well.

- It works perfectly.

The entire set is in excellent condition, believe me.

- It doesn't look like it to me.

- Uh, Thorny, would you mind allowing this gentleman and me

to transact our business without your constant interference?

After all, he owns this establishment

and I'm sure he's an expert on trains.

I'd definitely like to trade in the train set

for whatever chemistry set you can allow me in exchange.

- Well, we'll see what chemistry sets we have available.

I'm sure we can work out a deal.

- Looking for something?

- I can't find my trains any place, just a transformer.

- We left them in the closet, didn't we?

- No, they're not in there.

They're not out in the garage either.

- Well, how's the chemist?

- Oh, we decided to give that up.

- Why?

I thought you were and Georgie were working on an experiment.

- Yeah, we were, but it's just like David said.

I'm getting kind of old for that sort of stuff.

Hey, have you seen my trains?

- Your trains?

I thought you said you were getting too old for trains.

- Yes, ma'am, for the little sets.

Georgie and I decided to combine both of our sets

and make one terrific big set.

- You're right, it's not in the closet and it's not in the den

either.

- Well, it must be around here someplace.

- I'll see you later, Oz. - Oh, wait a minute.

Aren't you coming in the house for a while?

- No, I don't think so.

- Oh, come on in while we open up the chemistry set.

I remember this wonderful formula from high school.

You mix all this stuff together and it comes out

smelling like rotten eggs.

It's a lot of fun.

- No thanks, Oz, I think I'll enjoy it better from my house.

See you later.

- OK, so long, Thorny.

- Wow, what's in the big box?

- Oh, now that's a fine greeting.

You might at least have said, hi, dear, or, hello, Ozzie,

what's in the big box. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Hi, dear. Hello, Ozzie.

What's in the big box?

- This happens to be something our young son wants very much--

a brand new chemistry set.

- Oh, don't tell me you traded his train for a chemistry set.

- Well, yeah, you were the one who suggested it.

- Well, yes, but I'm willing to give you all the credit.

- Hey, what's in the big box, hiya, Pop?

- Good thing I brought the box in with me.

I might not have gotten in the house.

- What's in the box?

- Uh, well, it's something for a boy named Ricky.

- Oh, pardon me, dear.

I got some things I have to do.

- Well, Harriet--

- What's in the box, Pop?

- Uh, well, son, what is it you'd rather have more than

anything else in the world? - Oh, that's easy.

A new train loader and some automatic

switches for my train, if I could find my train.

- Now, wait a minute.

I thought you said you wanted to get rid of the train.

- I did, but I changed my mind.

You know how girls change their mind?

Well, I'm not exactly a girl, but I go with girls.

- Wait, son, but what's that got to do with it?

- I'm just trying to explain how I changed my mind.

- Harriet, come back here, you coward.

- Who, me?

Well, I may as well tell you.

What your father's trying to say is

that he took your train downtown and exchanged it

for a chemistry set.

- It was your mother's idea.

- You mean my train's gone?

- Well, yes, but only temporarily, son.

I'll go right back to the store and get our train--

uh, get your train back.

- Oh, gee, that'll be swell, Pop.

- And not only that, I may get you a new cattle loader.

- Oh, gee, thanks.

- And some automatic switches, and a new watertower,

and a gateman--

- And a dress.

- --and a tunnel, and a crane, and a dump car--

- And a hat, and a fur coat, and an alligator bag.

- And a hat, and a fur coat, and an alligator bag.

Now, wait a minute, Harriet, aren't you

getting carried away there?

- Oh, I'm with you, dear.

- Well, we'll see.

- Boy, Georgie and I are sure going to have a swell layout.

We're going to railroad the Dunkles right out

of their house.

- Oh, uh, were you figuring on setting your trains up

over at the Dunkles?

Why don't you set them up right here in our house?

- Yeah, I could set it up in my room,

so it'll be out of the way.

- Well, yes, or you could set it up

right here in the living room.

- Yeah, but I could leave it up longer in my room.

- Oh.

Well, I'm sure you could leave it up here.

- Say, I have an idea.

Maybe we could run a spur into your den.

- That's a wonderful idea.

We'll be right back, son.

- OK, Pop.

- Well, here I am again.

- Oh, it's you, sir.

How do you do?

What can I do for you?

- Uh, well, it's about this chemistry set and my son.

- Oh, don't worry, sir.

Just feed him lots of warm soapy water

and he'll be as good as new.

- Oh, no, it's nothing like that.

It's just that he's changed his mind

and he'd like to get his trains back and give you back

the chemistry set.

- They were very old trains.

- Oh, yes, I realize that.

- And they really weren't worth very much.

- I know that and he knows it too,

but he'd like to have them back.

In fact, I promised I'd bring them home with me.

- I wish you hadn't done that.

- Why do you say that?

- Your son's trains have been sold.

- Oh.

- But that's impossible.

- Well, that's what I said when I heard it.

- Don't you have another secondhand train

set you could let us have?

- No, I'm afraid we don't.

Oh, wait a minute.

There is something I could do for you.

Sell you a new train.

Right this way, please.

- Oh, uh, uh, I'm sorry, but, really, I

don't think we'd like to spend quite that much money.

- No, especially since Ricky changes his mind so much.

- Yeah, see, he goes out with girls.

- Well, I'm sure we can find something reasonable.

Here, just glance through this catalog.

You'll see some beautiful trains in there

at practically any price.

- This one looks reasonable.

I bet Ricky would like this, too.

Set 100 at $20.

- No, you better take another look, dear.

It says set number 20 for $100.

- Oh, this is fine print.

How about this one?

It says right here $10.

- Yes, that's all right, I guess.

Actually, that's a good buy.

There's a five year unconditional guarantee

on the wind-up spring.

- Well, I guess maybe we'd better keep the chemistry set.

I'm sure my son will understand.

Yes, girls are easier to satisfy than boys, right Harriet?

Where's-- oh.

Harriet?

Come on, dear, we decided to keep the chemistry set.

- Here you are, madam.

The switch is right there.

- Oh, thank you very much, but we have to leave right away.

- Oh, come on, just for a minute, huh?

- Well, just a couple of times around.

[train set running]

- Well, that's OK, pop.

I understand.

If the train's gone, it's gone.

Anyway, I still have the chemistry set.

- Well, that's a darn nice attitude to take, son.

- It's a darn nice set, too.

- I think you'll have a lot of fun with it.

- Come on upstairs and I'll show you

the stuff I learned in my chemistry class.

- This ought to take about 30 seconds.

- I'm certainly proud of the way Ricky took that disappointment.

- Yeah, he's a good little guy.

[door knocking]

Oh, uh, there's Thorny at the door.

Do me a favor, would you, Harriet,

and don't mention anything about the trains to Thorny?

He kind of thinks they're juvenile.

He accused me of being in my second childhood a while ago.

Come in, Thorny.

Well, what can I do for you?

- Oz, answer one question.

You big crook, what's the idea of selling

me a train without the transformer?

- Wait a minute.

What's in the box there?

- Never mind, just hand over my transformer.

- Now, don't tell me you're the guy who bought Ricky's trains.

- Well, this isn't the Orient Express.

- No wonder you were trying to beat down the price when

I was trading it in.

- Now, Oz, don't change the subject, just hand

over my transformer.

- Well, it's not your transformer.

I left it home here by mistake and it

wasn't sold with the trains.

- Well, by golly then you're going

to give me back every cent I put into this thing, every cent.

- OK.

- Why, I'm-- you seem pretty eager to get it back.

- Uh, how much do I owe you?

- Well, there's the carrying charges and the delivery

charges and--

- Uh, uh, you keep it, Thorny.

- Now, wait a minute, Oz.

Wait a minute, come on back here.

As long as you're so mercenary, I'll

just let you have it back for $25 more

than the man allowed you.

- $25, for what?

- Well, for the cattle loader and the switches and things

I bought.

- You two guys, honestly, it frightens me every time you

leave the house alone.

- Yeah, I guess it does sound a little silly.

- That was a pretty sneaky deal you tried to pull.

Getting me to sell the trains cheap just so

you could buy them.

- Oz, I apologize.

I should have known better.

Trains have been trouble for me for the last 20 years,

ever since I stepped on Catherine's

on the way to the owner.

- Hi, Mr. Thornberry. - Hi, Mr. Thornberry.

- Hi, boys.

- Hey, Rick, your train set is over there.

- Hey!

How about this?

- Yeah, your dad just bought you some new equipment.

- Oh, gee, thanks, Pop.

- Hey, this is terrific.

- Let's set them up, David.

- Ain't it funny?

No matter how old kids get, they never get tired of trains.

- Yeah.

That's right, Rick, those two wires go to the transformer.

- Thanks, Mr. Thornberry.

I know it.

- Uh, Dave, when you get around to it,

put the bridge over on the other side.

- OK, Pop.

- Uh, Rick, if you don't mind my suggestion,

those switches won't work in that position.

Wait a minute.

Let me show you.

- Uh no, Dave-- pardon me-- not here.

I might move the cars up here and bring this over here.

- Oz, don't put the bridge there,

the train won't be able to go around the bend.

- I thought you were supervising the switches.

Let me take care of the bridge, will you?

Look what you're doing here.

You'll have a wreck the first time around, Thorny.

- Oz, you tend to your job and I'll tend to mine.

- Hey, David, let's play some poker, seven card stud.

- Ozzie.

- Yeah?

- Haven't you two fellas played with that long enough?

- Just a second, Harriet.

We have one more trip to Schenectady.

Let's load the cattle on.

- Ricky, what do you suppose would

happen if we combine sulfur and ferrous oxide?

- Gee, I don't know, Mom.

- Wonder how much a gram is.

- I think that little one measures a gram, Harriet.

- Oh, no, no.

No, Harriet, wait a minute, don't hold this in your hands.

This is what this thing's for.

Pardon me.

See, like this.

Want to get one of those beakers, Thorny?

- OK.

Where's the mortar and pestle?

- Right over there.

- All aboard for St. Louis.

Aboard.

[train whistling]

- We've been shanghaied.

- Next week, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family--

- Ozzie. - Harriet.

- David.

- Ricky.

- --will be brought to you by Hotpoint.

- And remember, Hotpoint changes your viewpoint--

- Automatically.

- The part of the hobby shop clerk was played by Dan Tobin.

This is Verne Smith speaking.