Original subtitles

- Oh, hi, Thorny.

- Hi, Oz. - Here, sit down.

- Thanks.

Thanks, I will.

Well, what'd you want to see me about?

- I want to talk to you about a wonderful product, Thorny--

Listerine Antizyme toothpaste.

- Well, you're kidding, of course?

- Well, no.

- Well, you know where I just been?

- No. Where?

- The drugstore.

You know what I just bought?

- No.

- Listerine Antizyme toothpaste.

- How about that?

Good for you.

[music playing]

- Listerine, the most widely used antiseptic in the world,

and Antizyme, the first all-day anti-enzyme toothpaste,

present "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family.

Here's Ozzie, who plays the part of Ozzie Nelson;

and of course, his lovely wife, Harriet, as Harriet Nelson.

The older of the Nelson boys, David, appears as David Nelson;

and his younger brother, the irrepressible Ricky,

played by Ricky Nelson.

The Nelsons' next-door neighbor, Thorny,

is played by Don DeFore.

[music playing]

- Hear ye!

Hear ye!

- What's all the excitement?

- Well, haven't you heard the big news, Mom?

Hear ye, hear ye!

- You look dangerously happy.

School didn't burn down, did it?

- No, but I'd be glad to spread the rumor,

if you think it'd help.

- Hey, what's all the bellowing about?

- Well, I'm just announcing the big news.

- Are you kidding?

Don't you think you're overdoing this thing a little bit?

- I don't even know what the big news is yet.

- I guess it's about me.

- Yes, sir, I sure have a talented brother.

- Oh, thanks.

- You're welcome.

What about you?

- What about me?

- Don't you know anybody real close to you that

has a talented brother, too?

- You mean you?

- Exactly.

- Yeah, you sure do have a talented brother.

- Hey, wait a minute.

- Well, come on.

Let's hear the big news.

- Listen to this, Mom.

David's gonna be a big newspaper man.

- What's this?

- Oh, he's exaggerating.

I'm just gonna write an article for the school paper.

- Oh, well that's wonderful, Dave.

I didn't know you were interested in journalism.

- Well, I'm not especially.

- Well, then how come you're gonna write a column?

- Well, it's part of our assignment for English.

We each have to write an article for the school paper.

- Oh.

Well, I think that's a very constructive idea.

- Yeah, we're taking turns, and this week I

have to do something.

- I can tell you just what to write about, too.

- What's that?

- Yeah, sir, I'll give you a real hot item, boy,

and it'll be exclusive, too.

- Yeah, I can imagine.

Exclusive of any interest.

- Are you kidding?

It's about the most interesting subject I can think of.

- OK, what is it?

- Me.

- You? - Sure.

Don't you think that'd make a nice, fat item?

- From where I'm standing, it looks a little

on the skinny side.

- What are you going to write about, David?

Have you decided yet?

- I don't really know, Mom.

- Come on, David, why don't you write something about me?

- If I did, they wouldn't print it.

- It ought to be a good opportunity.

- You see, David?

- No, I mean getting to write the column.

It ought to be a lot of fun, and you'll learn a lot, too.

- I guess you'd like to know a couple of facts about me.

- What for?

- The article, of course.

And to begin with, I was born.

- Is that a fact?

- Sure.

Does it surprise you?

- Well, you're a little on the cuckoo side.

I thought maybe you were hatched.

- Watch me a minute, boy.

I'll show you how to be a real newspaper man.

Like the guys in the movies.

[music playing]

Hand me that phone, sweetheart.

[music playing]

Hello, chief?

I got a scoop that'll bust this town wide open.

OK, sweetheart, if you won't listen

to the best little old reporter in this town,

I'll take it to the Morning Bugle. [HICCUP]

- Come on, get your feet down off that counter.

- Please, Mom, I'm making an important call

to the city desk.

- Come on, get them down.

Besides, I thought David was the one who

was going to write the article.

- He is.

I'm just trying to get him fired up.

That's the trouble with this boy, no enthusiasm.

- What's the matter, Dave?

Aren't you interested in writing the article?

- Oh, sure, but it's gonna take time after school,

and I need to baseball practice.

- Oh, you're not still worrying about that last game, are you?

- Not only that, but we had a practice game yesterday,

and the third team almost beat us.

- Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.

You fellas will get started pretty soon.

- I sure hope so.

- You'd better start in a hurry.

Your league games start next week.

- You don't have to remind me.

- Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

Now, why don't you get cleaned up for dinner?

- OK. How about it, chief?

- OK, sweetheart.

- Why, David, I didn't know you cared.

[music playing]

- Hi, Oz.

- Oh, hi, Thorny.

Come on, have a seat since you're not

gonna get one on the bus.

- You know, I think you're right.

So how are the boys?

I haven't seen 'em in a couple of days.

- Oh, they're just fine.

At the present, David has a few aspirations

in the direction of the newspaper business.

- Oh, is that so?

Well, that never does a kid any harm selling papers.

- Oh, no, no, he doesn't figure on selling 'em.

He's writing an article for the school paper.

- Oh, fine.

Fine.

You better tell him to be careful, though.

- Well, in what way?

- Well, you know they say that printer's ink really

gets in the blood.

- Oh, I think that's only if you're tattooed.

- Maybe you're right.

- I think this is just some sort of an English assignment.

You know, to give the kids a little writing experience.

- Oh, sounds like a pretty good idea.

- Yeah, I think so.

In fact, they have some awfully good ideas

over at the high school.

- Well, I don't know about that, but they sure

have a pretty poor baseball team this year.

- That's right, the team isn't too good, is it?

In fact, I think they had a better team

when I went to school.

- I didn't know they had baseball back in those days.

- Sure.

In fact, we had a real good team when I was there.

Did I ever tell you about the time I--

Yeah, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

- Well, I don't know what's the matter with the boys this year.

I know David's not very happy about it.

- The same with Will.

Gee, it's a shame to have the boys

on a team that's not winning.

- Yeah.

It's nice to be a good loser, but it's much more fun to win.

- I saw the team play last Friday,

and believe me, Oz, that coaching strategy was bad.

- Something was wrong, wasn't it?

That's for sure.

- It's just poor judgment, and I'm not

saying that just because my boy, Will, didn't get in the game.

- Oh, no, no, no.

In fact, I'm forced to agree with you.

- To begin with, they should have taken McDougall out

in the first inning.

It was obvious he had nothin' on the ball.

- One play I couldn't see, why didn't they let Roper

steal home with only one out?

- Oh, I don't know.

And Artie Peterson wasn't even in uniform,

and he's the best pitcher we've got.

- You're right, there.

- Gee, I don't know why the team can't win ballgames.

They got good material.

Matter of fact, it's better material

than they had last year.

- Good batters, good fielders.

- Well, Oz, I just hate to be one of those second guesses.

- No, no, go ahead, Thorny.

- But if you ask me--

- And I do ask you. Go ahead.

- --and I'm gonna tell you, Oz.

If you ask me, the whole trouble is with the coaching.

- You think it's the coaching?

- Well, it's the only logical explanation.

It's certainly not the material.

We both agreed on that.

- No, that's for sure.

The material's fine.

- The only thing left is the coach.

Believe me, Oz, this Shipley fellow's got me worried.

- Yeah, it seems a shame to have the boys suffer through a bad

season just 'cause this man doesn't know his business.

- What are you gonna do about it?

Everyone knows it's his fault. You know what the trouble is?

Nobody has the courage to speak up.

Somebody oughta go down and have a long talk with him.

- Yeah, that might be an idea.

- Takes a man with plenty of backbone,

not just some ordinary fella.

Someone who isn't afraid to call a spade a spade.

Someone who will face that coach with the facts

and come up with the results.

You know who that man is?

- No.

- Neither do I, but when you find him, let me know.

[music playing]

- I think our bus is coming.

[music playing]

- OK, dinner's ready whenever you are.

- Oh.

You said the right words.

I'm starved.

Where are the boys?

- The last time I saw them, they were up in their room.

- Oh, I thought they might be out practicing baseball.

- No, David seemed worried about that column

he's going to write.

The boy who was editing the paper

called and asked if he could have the story by tomorrow.

- Well, he'll find something interesting to write about

in no time.

- Ricky was helping him.

- Well, in that case, it may take a little longer.

- Hi, Pop.

- Oh, hi, Dave.

- Sit down.

Dinner's ready.

- You found a subject for your newspaper article yet?

- No, sir. Not yet.

- I've been trying to help him.

- That's OK, Rick.

I may find one anyway.

- Dave, what sort of subjects have you been thinking about?

- Well, I've been trying to get stuff

that's important to the school.

- Yeah, that's the idea.

- He wouldn't listen to me.

I wanted him to campaign for lemonade in all the drinking

fountains.

- Well, that sounds like a good cause.

- I don't know whether I like this idea of writing a column

or not. - Well, what do you mean, Dave?

- I don't know.

I just can't get excited about it, that's all.

- Oh, you will.

- The main idea is to find some red-hot issue,

some controversial subject.

Something you can't help getting excited about.

- Ricky turned me down a long time ago.

- The secret of being a successful columnist

is to keep about half of your readers mad at you

all the time.

- Well, you can count on me.

- Never mind now, Ricky.

Isn't there something the whole school

seems to be interested in at the moment, Dave?

- Well, yeah, I guess there is at that.

- So you're probably thinking about the same thing I am.

- I bet I am, too--

the baseball team.

Everybody wants to know why we aren't winning any games.

- Exactly what I had in mind, and don't

be afraid to put the blame right where it belongs.

You can write a column that'll really get 'em,

and you can write it from firsthand information.

- Hand me the phone, boy.

- OK, scoop.

- Oh, never mind, I got it.

Hello, chief?

This is Nelson.

I got a story that'll bust this town wide open.

- Now you're talkin', boy.

[music playing]

Haven't you finished that article yet?

- I haven't even started to type it.

[music playing]

Will you stop breathing on me and go to bed?

- Big man.

Stop breathing, he says.

[music playing]

- And it is the opinion of this journalist.

And it is the opinion of this journalist.

J-O-R-N-I-- Journalist.

Journal.

J-O-R-N-E--

And it is the opinion of this reporter.

[music playing]

- Hi, Pop. Hi, Mom.

- Hello, dear. - Oh, hi, Rick.

- Where's David?

- I don't know.

I think he's still at the school.

- I just wondering whether they liked his column at the school

paper. - Yeah, I think they did.

Will Thornberry works at the print shop,

and he says it was swell.

- Oh, that's good.

I hope he gets an extra copy for us.

- Oh, he'll get an extra copy for everybody

in the neighborhood.

- You got to remember this is a big occasion for Dave.

I mean, it isn't every day the boy

gets selected to do a guest column for the school paper.

- Yeah, so David told me all night long.

You should have seen him sitting at that typewriter, Pop.

He had one of your old hats on, too.

- Oh, probably pushed way back on the back of his head?

- Oh yeah.

He calls himself "Scoop" Nelson.

Calls me "copy boy."

- Sounds like he's taking this pretty seriously.

- You know what I think I'll do, Harriet?

I think I'll go down and get some ice

cream for dessert, sort of a little bonus for the newspaper

work.

- Well, that sounds like a good idea.

- Best one I've heard today.

- I wonder whether the big newspaper man'll like vanilla,

chocolate, or strawberry?

- I don't know about the big newspaper man,

but you can get all three for the hungry copy boy.

[music playing]

- Say, pardon me for staring, but aren't you

David Nelson's father?

- Oh, yes I am.

- I thought I recognized you.

I'm Ralph Shipley, the baseball coach at the high school.

- Oh, well, I'm very happy to know you, coach.

- You do?

- Naturally, I'm quite interested in the baseball

team.

As a matter of fact, I was thinking

of coming over to the practice field some afternoon

and getting in your way for an hour or two.

- Oh, well, please feel free to stop on by any time.

I may put you to work, though.

David tells me that you used to be quite a ballplayer.

- Oh.

Well, you don't want to believe what David says on that score.

He's only repeating what I've told him.

- I'm sure you're just being modest.

I've heard about some of those games you pitched.

- Oh, really? How did I do?

- Terrific.

- Oh, I'll have to ask David about that.

I'd like to hear about it myself.

- Jason still goes to stop on by any time.

Yes, sir.

You can probably give me a few valuable pointers.

- Oh, you're kidding now, of course.

- Oh, no.

I'd appreciate any suggestions.

We really need them, too.

I'm afraid we've had a pretty poor season so far.

- Well, after all, you can't win all the games, you know?

- We can't seem to win any of the games.

We've had an awful lot of bad luck, though.

- Well, that happens to the best of teams.

- However, I'm not blaming everything on bad luck,

and I'm not trying to make excuses for myself.

Losing our best infielder right at the beginning of the season

was a tough break.

- Oh, what happened?

- He had his appendix out, and then our most experienced

pitcher, Ricardo Jimenez, ran into some scholastic trouble

and had to be dropped from the squad.

- Oh, what was his trouble?

- He flunked Spanish.

That wasn't so pretty.

Course, if I weren't also teaching mathematics,

I could concentrate more on the baseball team.

- Oh, do you teach math, too?

- Yes, I kind of double as baseball coach.

- Oh, gee.

Well, that makes a pretty busy schedule for you, doesn't it?

- Well, I enjoy it.

We have a swell group on the team, too.

'Course, some of the boys are inclined to be

a little lazy about practicing, but they'll snap out of it.

You know, I think David's gonna turn

into one of my best players.

- Oh, gee.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

- There's no reason why he shouldn't.

He's a good competitor.

He's got a lot of team spirit, and he really likes athletics.

Gets that from his father, I'll bet.

- Oh, gee.

Thanks.

I like to think so.

- Seems to be a very intelligent boy, too.

- Oh, he gets that from his mother.

- I understand he even wrote a column for the school paper

today.

- Oh, yes, I believe he did mention something about it.

- Well, that's fine.

- And you haven't read it yet?

- No, I haven't, but I'll bet it's a good one.

Say, I hate to rush off, but I did

want to stop by Gordon Bellinger's house on my way

home.

He's the boy who had the appendix operation.

- Oh, yes.

How's he coming along?

- Just fine.

Of course, it's tough being stuck in bed,

so I thought I'd take him a few magazines and some ice cream

to cheer him up.

- Oh, gee, that's very thoughtful of you, coach.

- Say, if you and Mrs. Nelson have a free night this week,

we'd love to have you stop by and spend the evening with us.

I'd really like to talk to you some more about the baseball

team.

- Oh, gee, thanks for the invitation.

- Well, I mean it, too.

What about tomorrow night?

- Tomorrow?

Well, gee, that's fine.

- Well, then, it's a date.

- Oh, well, maybe I'd better phone you tomorrow morning

after you've--

- Well, whatever you think, Mr. Nelson.

It was a real pleasure meeting you, sir.

- Well, thank you, coach.

It's been a pleasure to meet you, too.

[music playing]

- Hey, Oz.

- Oh, hi, Thorny.

- Hi.

Say, what was all the activity over at your house last night?

- Activity?

- Yeah, I could hear somebody plucking a typewriter

until around midnight.

- Oh, that was David writing that piece for the high school

paper.

I told you about that.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Say, what'd he finally decide to write about?

- Well, you know, the baseball situation over

at the high school.

- Well, good for him.

Gonna take a blast at the bungling way

the team has been coached, huh?

- Well, I'm not so sure he's writing about the coaching.

- Well, Oz, that's where the trouble is.

We both agreed on that yesterday.

- Just a minute, Thorny.

Let's not be too hasty about this.

There may be a lot of other factors involved

in the team's slump.

- Such as what?

- Well, for instance, bad luck.

Now, I know that may sound like a pretty feeble excuse

at first blush.

- No, not necessarily.

I'd say that bad luck is partly responsible

for the losing streak.

- Well, certainly.

- For instance, I'd say it's bad luck

that I'm not coaching the team.

- Look, Thorny, what gives you the right to set yourself up

as a baseball critic?

After all, Coach Shipley was a well-known college star.

In fact, I understand he even got a tryout with the New York

Yankees.

For goodness' sakes, what is your experience and background

to be such a critic?

- Well, Oz, I'd like to tell you about a few of my triumphs

on the diamond, but as you know, I'm a very modest fellow.

I just don't like to boast about my athletic abilities.

- I'm serious about this, Thorny.

I mean, you're hardly a qualified expert,

and yet here you are screaming for the coach's scalp

just because the boys happen to lose

a couple of practice games.

- Well, I'm as qualified as you are,

and you were screaming right along with me yesterday.

- That was yesterday, but I feel different about it today.

- Oz, watch out!

Well, anyway, David knows more about this

than we do, and I'm certainly glad to see he agrees with me.

- What makes you so sure he agrees with you?

- This article he wrote for the school paper.

- Now, just a second, Thorny, that

was not entirely David's idea.

In fact, I was the one who suggested

he write about the baseball situation in the first place.

- Oz, whose side are you on, anyway?

- I'm not on anybody's side.

And stop shouting!

Stop shouting.

- Well, you'll have to admit that you're

responsible for getting the new baseball coach.

- Who said we were gonna get one?

- Well, there's bound to be a change when they read

David's scathing editorial.

- Now, wait a minute, Thorny.

You're blaming me for something that I didn't do.

- Look, Oz, I know that you're a soft-hearted guy,

but believe me, you've done the right thing.

- I haven't done anything.

David wrote the column.

- Sure, but you're the one who gave him the idea.

By golly, I think it was a very courageous thing to do.

You're not a kind of a man who's afraid to voice his opinion.

No, sir.

You stand right up and let your son say exactly what you think.

- Now, wait a minute, Thorny, you're

getting this whole thing confused.

- Oz, I'm proud of you.

- Will you listen to me a minute?

Coach Shipley happens to be a very nice young fellow.

- I know he is, and I admire your ruthless attitude.

If he can't handle the job, we'll

get somebody else who can.

- I don't want him to lose his job.

- Well, of course you don't, but that can't be helped.

You're sorry, but life is like that.

- Well, that's a pretty terrible thing to do.

- Well, sure it is.

That's why it takes a hard guy like you to do it.

So he loses his job.

So you're responsible for him losing his job,

but it was bound to happen sooner or later.

- Now, now, just a second, Thorny.

- Take your hand off of my sleeve, you heel.

[music playing]

- Harriet, is David home from school yet?

- No, not yet.

- I'm anxious to see his column.

- Yeah, so am I.

- I wonder what he wrote about.

- I know.

He wrote about Coach Shipley.

- Oh, isn't that nice?

I've never met Mr. Shipley, but I met her at the woman's club.

She's an awfully nice person.

You know, we ought to have them over here some evening.

- Well, I have a hunch maybe he might come over

without an invitation.

- Have you met him?

- Yes, I met him just a little while ago down

at the drugstore.

- Oh, what sort of a person is he?

- Well, unfortunately, he's very nice.

Yes, he even shook my hand.

The right hand, the one that held the knife.

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, I'd rather not say, Harriet.

Why should both of us hate me?

- Is something wrong?

- Well-- Oh, Dave?

- Hi, Pop. Hi, Mom.

- Hi, son. - Hello, dear.

We've been waiting for you.

- How did they like your column at school, Dave?

- Oh, just fine, Pop.

- Do you have an extra copy of the paper with you?

- Oh, no.

I don't have one with me.

- You don't?

- But there are about 10 extra copies on the kitchen table.

- Oh.

Good.

Well, let's see one.

- Copy boy, go get the chief a paper.

- Yes, master.

- Tell us about it, David.

- Yes, what was the general reaction to your column?

- I think it's gonna do some good.

- You mean you think there are gonna be some changes made?

- I hope so, but I didn't take all the credit.

I told everybody you gave me the idea.

- Here's the paper.

- Oh, thank you, boy.

You can have the rest of the afternoon off if you want.

- Oh, that's OK.

- Dave--

- Do you want me to read it to you, Pop?

- Yes, if you would, please.

- "What Is Wrong With Our Baseball Team?

By David Nelson."

That's what they call a byline. - Yes, yes.

I know that. - Big deal.

You've already done that.

- Keep quiet, will ya?

- Dave, please.

- "The winning team is the team that plays as a team.

Team spirit and teamwork show the result on the scoreboard,

and it is the opinion of this writer

that our team does not have these two

valuable requirements.

So now we ask, whose fault is this?

The answer is easy."

- Well, now, wait a minute, David.

How can you blame this on Coach Shipley?

- Coach Shipley?

Who said it was his fault?

- Well, you do.

You say so right in that scandal sheet you work for.

- No, I don't, Pop.

Coach Shipley's doing a wonderful job.

I gave him a good write-up.

- Well, then who do you think is responsible

for the losing team?

- Well, the players.

We've all been too lazy about practice.

Everybody's trying to be a star instead of working as a team.

- Oh.

So that's what you say the big problem is, huh?

- Sure.

Gee, Mr. Shipley's really a fine coach,

and everybody knows it, too, except some of the fathers.

- Well, I think your column is a good, honest piece of work,

David.

I'm glad you said some nice things about Coach Shipley,

too.

Of course, some people say you're just

trying to butter him up to get a better spot for yourself

on the team.

- Well, maybe so, but I really meant what I said here.

I think he's a good coach, smart man, and really a swell guy.

Besides that, he's my math teacher.

- You think David oughta get in the newspaper game, Pop?

- Oh, yes I do, Rick.

Either that or the diplomatic service.

[music playing]

Hello? - Hello, Oz?

This is Thorny.

- Oh, hiya, Thorny.

- Say, I read David's column in the school paper.

You know, I'm sure glad he was so nice to Coach Shipley.

- Well, what happened to you?

- Well, I met the coach.

Gee, I think he's a fine fellow.

- Well, yeah.

I think so.

- You know, the team's had some awful breaks this year.

First-string shortstop had his appendix out,

and then the star pitcher flunked Spanish.

Boy, those are tough breaks.

- Yes, they are.

- And when you consider the poor guy also

teaches math, well, that gives him a pretty full day.

- Yeah, it sure does.

- Oz, I don't like to brag, but you

know, Coach Shipley thinks the world of my boy, Will.

Says he oughta be one of his best players next year.

- Oh?

- Yeah, and he also invited Catherine

and me over to his house some night.

He wants to discuss the team and get some of my suggestions.

He sure takes care of his athletes, too.

He was just on his way over to Gordon Bellinger's house.

He's the kid who just had the operation.

Coach Shipley was taking him some magazines and some ice

cream.

- Thorny, where and when did you meet Coach Shipley?

- At the drugstore a little while ago.

[music playing]

- Next week, "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet,"

starring the entire Nelson family--

Ozzie, Harriet, David, and Ricky--

will be brought to you by Hotpoint quality appliances.

Remember, Hotpoint changes your viewpoint automatically.

[music playing]

The part of Coach Shipley was played

by Gil Stratton, Jr. Don't forget

that a completely different episode of "The Adventures

of Ozzie and Harriet" is heard every Friday night on radio.

Consult your newspaper for time and radio station.

[music playing]