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1
00:00:01,836 --> 00:00:04,380
Jerry: The trick to cereal is
keeping 70% above the milk.
2
00:00:04,463 --> 00:00:07,133
Jerry, get a job.
3
00:00:07,216 --> 00:00:08,759
Uh, w-why
don't you get it, Jerry?
4
00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:11,429
You're the man of the house,
and you don't have a job.
5
00:00:13,306 --> 00:00:14,682
Delivery for Rick.
6
00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:16,350
Morning, summer, Beth,
and Jerry.
7
00:00:16,434 --> 00:00:19,061
- Gross. What is that thing?
- It's a courier flap.
8
00:00:19,145 --> 00:00:20,539
It's like the intergalactic
version of ups,
9
00:00:20,563 --> 00:00:22,064
but less off—putting.
10
00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:23,357
Oh, shiiit!
11
00:00:23,441 --> 00:00:25,318
It looks like an egg-vite
from birdperson.
12
00:00:25,401 --> 00:00:27,486
Must be time
for his annual Oscar party.
13
00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:29,256
And, by the way,
our TV signals take light years
14
00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:30,448
to reach his planet.
15
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,366
Nobody tell him
that "braveheart" wins.
16
00:00:32,450 --> 00:00:34,368
Greetings. This is birdperson.
17
00:00:34,452 --> 00:00:35,620
And Tammy!
18
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,496
Inviting you
to planet squanch for
19
00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:39,332
- our mate-melding ceremony...
- Blugh!
20
00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:40,708
If you're from Ean'n,
21
00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:42,269
that means
we 're getting married!
22
00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:44,670
Oh, my god! My friend Tammy's
marrying birdperson!
23
00:00:44,921 --> 00:00:46,380
What the hell is a birdperson?
24
00:00:46,464 --> 00:00:47,673
He's Rick's best friend.
25
00:00:47,924 --> 00:00:49,401
Uh, i-let's not
get carried away, morty.
26
00:00:49,425 --> 00:00:51,260
Would you like to rsvp
or send a gift?
27
00:00:51,344 --> 00:00:53,262
No. Weddings are basically
funerals with cake.
28
00:00:53,346 --> 00:00:55,324
If I wanted to watch someone
throw their life away,
29
00:00:55,348 --> 00:00:57,183
I'd hang out with Jerry all day.
30
00:00:57,266 --> 00:00:58,684
Affirmative!
Returning to sender.
31
00:00:58,935 --> 00:01:00,078
No, hold on, stay,
courier flaps.
32
00:01:00,102 --> 00:01:01,812
- Staying!
- Dad, you have a friend...
33
00:01:01,896 --> 00:01:03,814
That's getting married.
That's a big deal.
34
00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:05,691
It's a big deal he has a friend.
35
00:01:05,775 --> 00:01:08,277
What do you know
about friendship, Jerry?
36
00:01:08,361 --> 00:01:09,946
Confirmed, shipping Jerry.
37
00:01:10,029 --> 00:01:11,948
- Whoa, whoa, wait! Aah!
- Oh, god! Jerry!
38
00:01:12,031 --> 00:01:13,115
- Dad!
- Dad!
39
00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:15,201
Where is it taking him?
40
00:01:15,284 --> 00:01:17,161
I assume planet squanch...
41
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,121
6,000 light years
across the galaxy.
42
00:01:19,205 --> 00:01:20,706
Whoa, t-that's... that's insane!
43
00:01:20,790 --> 00:01:23,584
Yeah, I know. Now we have
to go to the wedding.
44
00:01:23,668 --> 00:01:26,254
N“
45
00:02:04,375 --> 00:02:05,960
Rick Sanchez!
46
00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:07,503
You psycho bag ofsquanch!
47
00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:09,005
Hey, what's up, squanchy?
48
00:02:09,088 --> 00:02:10,965
- Hey, squanchy.
- Morty, summer!
49
00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,633
And you must be Beth.
50
00:02:12,717 --> 00:02:14,635
Mwah! Ensquanche!
51
00:02:14,719 --> 00:02:17,430
Your language has the word
"squanch" in it a lot.
52
00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:18,949
Doesn't that become
tedious and worn out,
53
00:02:18,973 --> 00:02:20,433
like the smurf thing?
54
00:02:20,516 --> 00:02:23,477
Beth, squanchy culture
is more contextual than literal.
55
00:02:23,561 --> 00:02:26,022
Just say what's in your
squanch and people understand.
56
00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:27,398
Oh. Okay.
57
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,942
I squanch my family.
58
00:02:30,026 --> 00:02:31,652
Uh... — what? I do.
59
00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:34,363
- I squanch my family.
- Stop saying it. Gross.
60
00:02:34,447 --> 00:02:35,906
Come on in, guys.
61
00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:37,742
The guest are having
cocksquanches.
62
00:02:42,538 --> 00:02:43,914
[Gasdsi
63
00:02:43,998 --> 00:02:45,666
- where am I?!
- You're at a wedding.
64
00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:47,418
Go change.
65
00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:50,046
J” and I'm an alien
with jazz rap style j”
66
00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:52,340
j” jazz rapping
for an alien mile j”
67
00:02:52,423 --> 00:02:55,092
j” fat beats and an alien
smile j”
68
00:02:55,176 --> 00:02:58,387
j” jazz space phone,
alien dial is my friend j”
69
00:02:58,471 --> 00:02:59,990
j” I got a mouthful ofjazz
for your ass j”
70
00:03:00,014 --> 00:03:01,474
[crying I
71
00:03:01,557 --> 00:03:02,826
j” and I'm gonna keep jazzing j”
72
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,393
Oh, you made it!
73
00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:06,354
I wouldn't miss it
for the world!
74
00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,522
Oh, my god. I love your ring.
75
00:03:08,606 --> 00:03:11,484
Thanks. It was
birdperson's grandmother's.
76
00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:13,235
She fought a squirrel for it.
77
00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:14,528
Birdperson.
78
00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,530
Rick, I am pleased
you and your family
79
00:03:16,614 --> 00:03:18,407
could witness my melding
with Tammy.
80
00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:20,076
Our pleasure.
81
00:03:20,159 --> 00:03:21,595
Yeah, I just hope
you got a pre-meld.
82
00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,371
- Rick!
- What?! It's just a practical
83
00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:25,307
way of making sure that
when she's done with you,
84
00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:27,083
you can get
one of your balls back.
85
00:03:27,166 --> 00:03:29,085
- Jesus, dad.
- He's grumpy from the flight.
86
00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:31,087
Ohh, h was happy on the flight.
87
00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,005
I'm grumpy from the landing.
88
00:03:33,089 --> 00:03:35,549
Well, I looked
at the guest book.
89
00:03:35,633 --> 00:03:37,802
We don't know
a damn person here.
90
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,970
Hi! Jerry Smith...
Father of the bride's friend.
91
00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:42,264
Advertising is my usual game,
but I'm between...
92
00:03:42,348 --> 00:03:44,100
Jerry, stop networking.
We're in space.
93
00:03:44,183 --> 00:03:45,851
"Jerry, get a job!
94
00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:47,788
Jerry, don't look for a job
at an alien wedding!"
95
00:03:47,812 --> 00:03:49,730
- I don't get you.
- This is the closest...
96
00:03:49,814 --> 00:03:51,625
I've ever gotten to this part
of my father's life.
97
00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:53,442
I don't want to blow it.
98
00:03:53,526 --> 00:03:55,152
Okay, I get it.
I'm cramping your style.
99
00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:58,114
You say you get it, but
I'm scared you'll keep doing it.
100
00:03:58,197 --> 00:04:00,116
Look, here's some humans
you can practice on.
101
00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:02,118
You must be
summer's mom and dad.
102
00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:04,081
We're Tammy's parents -—
Pat and Donna guterman.
103
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,205
Hi. Beth. This is Jerry.
104
00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:08,999
So your teenage daughter's
marrying a birdman.
105
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,668
Are you guys down with that?
106
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,336
No pun intended.
107
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,130
We're quite proud.
108
00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:16,382
He's a wonderful person
and an incredible bird.
109
00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,259
Still, what is he, 40?
110
00:04:18,342 --> 00:04:19,510
It's just, you know,
111
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,679
when he was 30,
she was an actual child.
112
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,514
When he was her age,
she wasn't born.
113
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,558
When he was,
let's see, like, 18,
114
00:04:25,641 --> 00:04:28,602
she was literally
in there in your womb.
115
00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:30,312
Imagine being pregnant
with your daughter
116
00:04:30,396 --> 00:04:32,165
and a bird teenager
comes into your home and says,
117
00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:34,108
"I'll take that.
I'll have sex with that.“
118
00:04:34,191 --> 00:04:35,776
Give us one second.
119
00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:37,778
Were you born with your feet
in your mouth?
120
00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:40,614
I was transported here
against my will in a meatball, all right.
121
00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:43,117
So take your attitude
to the men's section of kmart,
122
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:45,619
'cause you need to cut me
some slack... s.
123
00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:47,121
I want you to stand
in the corner
124
00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,724
and face the corner
and talk to nobody.
125
00:04:52,126 --> 00:04:54,044
You know, you're not being
very supportive
126
00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,754
of birdperson on his big day.
127
00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:58,048
Birdperson's big day, morty,
128
00:04:58,132 --> 00:05:01,469
was at blood Ridge
on glapflap's third moon
129
00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:03,345
against the gromflamites!
130
00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,681
This? This is a losing battle.
131
00:05:05,764 --> 00:05:07,683
Geez, Rick,
it's not like he's dying.
132
00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:09,226
He's getting married!
133
00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:10,704
I mean, what do you think's
gonna happen
134
00:05:10,728 --> 00:05:12,354
if you open yourself up
a little bit?
135
00:05:12,438 --> 00:05:13,814
I mean, look around.
136
00:05:13,898 --> 00:05:16,692
This is your family and friends
all around you, you know?
137
00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:18,277
Take the day off.
138
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,321
There's nothing to run from,
nothing to fight.
139
00:05:20,404 --> 00:05:22,323
That's his last name.
140
00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:23,449
Are you hyphenating it?
141
00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:24,742
Squanch this, mo—fo.
142
00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,287
Good one, morty.
Excuse me, bartender.
143
00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:30,289
Can you make me
a dumb grandson pep talk?
144
00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:33,375
It's one part lame advice about
stuff you know nothing about
145
00:05:33,459 --> 00:05:34,835
and a lotof vodka.
146
00:05:34,919 --> 00:05:36,629
Mm-hmm. I have a lot of vodka.
147
00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:37,546
Then I'll take one of those.
148
00:05:37,630 --> 00:05:39,173
I don't need the rest.
149
00:05:39,256 --> 00:05:41,342
God, whatever, Rick.
150
00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,886
It sounds like you and my dad
have a long history together.
151
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:45,554
Wish I could say the same.
152
00:05:45,638 --> 00:05:47,556
The road your father and I
walked together
153
00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:51,519
is soaked deeply with the blood
of both friends and enemies.
154
00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:52,603
Must be nice.
155
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,647
Um, I used to have to draw him
156
00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:56,357
into family photos
with a crayon.
157
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:58,859
The war in which we fought
is far from over.
158
00:05:58,943 --> 00:06:00,486
We live our lives in hiding.
159
00:06:00,569 --> 00:06:02,696
I guess I should
be happy for you.
160
00:06:02,780 --> 00:06:05,324
I mean, great,
you guys got to hang out.
161
00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:06,867
I hope you had a blast.
162
00:06:06,951 --> 00:06:09,453
The galactic government
considers us terrorists.
163
00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,830
It's unwise of me
to share these details,
164
00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,415
but I've become inebriated.
165
00:06:13,499 --> 00:06:14,809
I don't know
if you can appreciate
166
00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:17,002
what it means to grow up
without a father, but —-
167
00:06:17,253 --> 00:06:18,796
the guest list at this wedding
168
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,632
includes 17 of the federation's
most wanted.
169
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,634
We have committed
numerous atrocities
170
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,302
in the name of freedom.
171
00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:26,679
Annnd during that time,
172
00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:28,490
I don't suppose he
ever mentioned his daughter.
173
00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:29,890
Are those baby quiches?
174
00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:31,350
Night crawler pate.
175
00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,394
I should prepare
for the ceremony.
176
00:06:33,477 --> 00:06:35,437
Like talking to a brick wall.
177
00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:38,899
In the name of the squanch,
the six rivers,
178
00:06:38,983 --> 00:06:40,901
the four squanches,
and the nine balls,
179
00:06:40,985 --> 00:06:45,281
I unite these two organisms
in eternal squanch!
180
00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:47,408
Tammy, you may
squanch your vows now.
181
00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:49,910
Birdperson...
182
00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:53,914
You are my seed,
my worm, my earliness,
183
00:06:53,998 --> 00:06:55,666
and my lack of cats.
184
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,168
I promise to be yours
until your death.
185
00:06:58,252 --> 00:06:59,503
- Nice!
- All: Aww!
186
00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:00,963
Birdperson.
187
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:03,882
Tammy, I was approaching
infertility when I met you,
188
00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:05,634
but there is still time.
189
00:07:05,718 --> 00:07:07,344
I am yours until my death.
190
00:07:07,428 --> 00:07:08,846
All: Aww!
191
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,764
Aww.
192
00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:13,809
I now pronounce you
squanch and birdperson!
193
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:23,652
J” girl, you got it going on j”
194
00:07:27,323 --> 00:07:29,575
I am not staring at you.
195
00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:32,661
I am a cyborg photographer.
Just act natural.
196
00:07:32,745 --> 00:07:34,455
This is a candid shot.
197
00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:36,582
I don't require a camera so...
198
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:38,417
Sorry.
199
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:40,377
Hi. I am not staring at you...
200
00:07:46,342 --> 00:07:47,843
Uh, hi, everybody.
201
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,595
I'm rick.
202
00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:54,600
You know, when I first
met birdperson, he was, uhh...
203
00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:56,411
Listen, I'm not the nicest guy
in the universe
204
00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:57,686
because I'm the smartest.
205
00:07:57,770 --> 00:07:59,490
And being nice is something
stupid people do
206
00:07:59,563 --> 00:08:00,898
to hedge their bets.
207
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,358
Now, I haven't been
exactly subtle
208
00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:03,776
about how little
I trust marriage.
209
00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:05,152
I couldn't make it work,
210
00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:06,838
and I could turn a black hole
into a sun,
211
00:08:06,862 --> 00:08:08,822
so at a certain point,
you got to ask yourself
212
00:08:08,906 --> 00:08:10,699
what are the odds this is legit
213
00:08:10,783 --> 00:08:12,510
and not just some big lie
we're all telling ourselves
214
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:13,994
because we're afraid
to die alone?
215
00:08:14,078 --> 00:08:16,830
Because, you know, that's
exactly how we all die... alone.
216
00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:17,914
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, dad.
217
00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:18,999
Jesus.
218
00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:21,043
But —- but... here's the thing.
219
00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:23,003
Birdperson is my best friend,
220
00:08:23,087 --> 00:08:25,839
and if he loves Tammy, well,
then I love Tammy, too.
221
00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:32,388
To friendship, to love, and
to my greatest adventure yet...
222
00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:34,723
Opening myself up to others.
223
00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:36,266
Summer: Hear, hear! Cheers!
224
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,268
Cheers to that, motherfucker!
225
00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,021
Thank you, Rick.
That was beautiful.
226
00:08:41,105 --> 00:08:44,400
Gosh, I look around this room,
and I think,
227
00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,276
"uh, Tammy,
you're a high-school senior
228
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:47,962
from the planet earth,
and you're marrying
229
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:50,572
a 40-year-old birdperson?
Like, what?!"
230
00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:52,991
Yeah, Tammy!
231
00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:55,703
But then I think, you know,
in a lot of ways,
232
00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:58,706
I'm nota high-school senior
from the planet earth.
233
00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:00,958
In a lot of ways,
what I really am
234
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,919
is a deep-cover agent
for the galactic federation,
235
00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:06,046
and you guys are
a group of wanted criminals,
236
00:09:06,130 --> 00:09:09,049
and this entire building is,
in a certain sense, surrounded.
237
00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:10,884
Oh, shit.
238
00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:13,363
- I... don't get the metaphor.
- I'll explain it to you later.
239
00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,055
Everyone here is under arrest
240
00:09:15,139 --> 00:09:16,849
for crimes
against the federation.
241
00:09:16,932 --> 00:09:17,933
I 'chaim/
242
00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:21,228
- Tammy, what are you doing?
- Sit your bird ass down.
243
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,313
Tammy?
244
00:09:25,149 --> 00:09:27,735
Birdpersonl! No!!
245
00:09:31,864 --> 00:09:32,948
Holy...
246
00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:43,125
Drop the portal gun.
247
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,210
Slide it to
the center of the room.
248
00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:50,132
Somebody confiscate that
and don't damage it.
249
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:51,675
They'll want it at...
250
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:15,657
There's no time to squanch!
251
00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:17,576
Get your family out of here!
252
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:19,536
I got this.
253
00:10:24,917 --> 00:10:27,127
How about a taste
of my squanch?!
254
00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:32,424
Come on, this way!
255
00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:34,218
Squanch this!
256
00:10:42,476 --> 00:10:44,478
Good thing I grabbed
a space weapon.
257
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,401
Rick: That's a confetti gun,
you fucking idiot!
258
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,524
- — Summer: Dad!
- Rick: Hold on tight!
259
00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,486
Aaahl!
260
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:58,075
Aaaahl!
261
00:11:00,285 --> 00:11:01,954
Goddamn it! Goddamn it!!
262
00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:10,045
What the hell happened
back there?!
263
00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:12,840
This is on you guys.
I told you weddings are stupid.
264
00:11:14,967 --> 00:11:17,886
Uh, Rick, is there anything
you'd like to tell us
265
00:11:17,970 --> 00:11:20,013
about your relationship
266
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:23,016
with this previously unknown
galactic government?
267
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:25,185
All the important points
seem pretty clear, no?
268
00:11:25,269 --> 00:11:27,437
They think they control
the galaxy, I disagree.
269
00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,439
Don't hate the player,
hate the game, son.
270
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,650
How could you be so dishonest
with this family?
271
00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,861
Oh! Oh, should I have been
more open and trusting
272
00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,255
and loving like,
oh, I don't know,
273
00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:38,031
my now dead best friend?
Or your daughter,
274
00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:40,659
who is bffs
with an intergalactic narc?
275
00:11:40,742 --> 00:11:41,910
Hey, Tammy was cool!
276
00:11:41,994 --> 00:11:44,037
- And now we know why.
- Because of you!
277
00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:45,956
Fuck you, summer,
and fuck the government,
278
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,833
and fuck me
for letting my guard down,
279
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,459
which I will never do again.
280
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:50,919
Geez, Rick!
281
00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:53,672
You can't say f...
"'F' you" to your granddaughter.
282
00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:56,216
I just did, morty.
Here's dessert. Fuck you.
283
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:57,986
Look, I think we've all had
a tough wedding.
284
00:11:58,010 --> 00:11:59,761
Actually,
the wedding was beautiful.
285
00:11:59,845 --> 00:12:01,045
The reception got out of hand.
286
00:12:01,096 --> 00:12:03,223
Anyway, I say we go home,
sleep it off,
287
00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:05,100
and have a family meeting
in the morning.
288
00:12:05,183 --> 00:12:07,227
Yeah, about going home,
we can't -— ever.
289
00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:08,770
All: What?!
290
00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,206
Oh, these guys are
looking for us now.
291
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,607
Earth will be swarming
with them.
292
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:12,733
Us?!
293
00:12:12,816 --> 00:12:14,109
- Jerry...
- I want to go home!
294
00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:16,337
Look, anyone that wants
to go back to earth is free to.
295
00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:18,196
But here's what's gonna happen.
296
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:19,800
Alien bureaucrats are gonna
arrest you.
297
00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,665
They're gonna put
the intergalactic equivalent
298
00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:24,202
of jumper cables
under your nuts and or labia
299
00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,038
and hook them up
to an alien car battery
300
00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,623
until you tell them
where I am...
301
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,392
Which I guarantee you,
you're not gonna know,
302
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,376
which I guarantee
theywon't believe.
303
00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,253
So who's homesick? By applause.
304
00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:35,672
Ladies? Anybody?
305
00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:38,508
What are we going to do?
Where are we going to live?
306
00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:40,761
Take it easy.
This is a blessing in disguise.
307
00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:42,220
Fuck earth.
308
00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,184
You realize our planet's name
means dirt, right?
309
00:12:44,222 --> 00:12:45,724
We'll find a new world.
310
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:47,160
Computer, how many planets
in the milky way
311
00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:49,102
are at least 90% similar
to earth?
312
00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:52,731
Female voice: 765 known planets.
313
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:55,192
How many of those are outside
federal jurisdiction?
314
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,527
Three.
315
00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:59,738
See? Our cup runneth over.
316
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,031
Now, who wants to go shopping
317
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,200
for a brand—new
motherfucking world?!
318
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,368
All right!
319
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,286
Rick: Look at this baby!
320
00:13:06,370 --> 00:13:08,080
Would you even know
that wasn't earth?
321
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:09,998
Morty: Yes, because
there's no Africa.
322
00:13:10,082 --> 00:13:12,084
Rick: Pssh. White people
problems, morty.
323
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,294
Let's go down and check her out.
324
00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:18,090
Oh. I thought
it was further away.
325
00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:20,676
I uh... I guess this one's
a little small.
326
00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:22,135
All right, uh, maybe...
327
00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:24,099
Maybe we should go check out
the other two, huh?
328
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,268
Okay, this one's bigger.
329
00:13:33,105 --> 00:13:34,314
This looks nice.
330
00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,899
Mom, dad, look!
331
00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,651
Strawberries on a cob!
332
00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,862
Whoa! Hey, check this out!
333
00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:42,614
Flowers on a cob!
334
00:13:42,698 --> 00:13:45,951
Huh. Strawberries and flowers
on a cob, huh?
335
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,244
That's pretty cool.
336
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:49,830
Are those... mountains on a cob?
337
00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:54,334
Rick: Oh, my god.
338
00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:00,491
- Get in the ship, sweetie.
- What?
339
00:14:00,716 --> 00:14:01,800
Get in the goddamn ship!!
340
00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,135
Everything's on a cob!!
341
00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,762
The whole planet's on a cobl!
Go, go, go!!
342
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,059
All right,
third time's the charm.
343
00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:12,144
See what we got here.
344
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:16,982
Seems good.
345
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:18,442
And nothing on the cob.
346
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,277
Didn't know that was
a necessity, but...
347
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,446
No, it's nice.
I think this might be it.
348
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,281
Wow! Hey, look, you guys.
349
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,116
The sun's rising.
350
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,827
Aaaaaaaaaaaaahll
351
00:14:31,163 --> 00:14:33,874
uh, dad, how long are the days
on this planet?
352
00:14:33,957 --> 00:14:36,209
Uh, computer, how long
are the days on this planet?
353
00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:39,629
42 hours.
354
00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,757
All right, well,
those are the two choices,
355
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,675
'cause cob planet is
off the table.
356
00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:44,885
Now let's take a vote.
357
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,553
Man: Well, its official.
358
00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,680
The obscure planet
known as earth,
359
00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:51,516
formerly the hiding place
of interstellar terrorist
360
00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:53,518
and fugitive Rick Sanchez,
361
00:14:53,769 --> 00:14:56,730
has just become
the 6', 048th planet
362
00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:58,398
to join the galactic federation.
363
00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:00,567
The plucky little ball
of water and dirt,
364
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,319
which is where it gets its name,
365
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:06,073
is dominated by seven billion
primate-descended natives
366
00:15:06,156 --> 00:15:10,118
who love to eat spaghetti
and pray to kangaroos.
367
00:15:10,202 --> 00:15:12,996
Spaghetti kangaroos 7
we gotta check this place out.
368
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,832
Well, you can.
369
00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:18,085
Contact the ministry of tourism
for details.
370
00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:20,253
Up next,
teenagers are calling it
371
00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,257
And its not what you think.
372
00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:25,735
What are you...
What did you do that for?
373
00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:27,052
Dramatic effect.
374
00:15:27,135 --> 00:15:29,679
Good morning, family.
Oh, do I smell bacon?
375
00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,681
Yes, we discovered
a species of tiny pig
376
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:33,809
off the coast of new Australia
377
00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:36,061
- about 30 yards east.
- Or 300 yards west.
378
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:37,437
We'd offer you some,
379
00:15:37,521 --> 00:15:39,856
but we hunted it to extinction
for breakfast.
380
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:41,691
Well, I thought
I'd walk to the south pole
381
00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:43,527
and do a little bit
of exploring.
382
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,028
If you guys need me, just yell
383
00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,279
or throw something so hard
384
00:15:46,363 --> 00:15:48,003
that it goes around the world
and hits me.
385
00:15:48,073 --> 00:15:49,574
Okay, now that he's gone,
386
00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:52,077
can we please talk about
our situation?
387
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,162
Dad, you can't talk about people
behind their back.
388
00:15:54,246 --> 00:15:55,580
You know, it's a small world.
389
00:15:55,831 --> 00:15:57,165
Please, he's in the south pole!
390
00:15:57,249 --> 00:15:59,626
And we need to have
a serious conversation.
391
00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:13,932
South pole discovered, baby!
392
00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:15,767
Ohhhh!
393
00:16:15,851 --> 00:16:17,727
Oh fuck! An ice cave?
394
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,020
Shit!
395
00:16:19,104 --> 00:16:21,731
Things just keep on
getting better.
396
00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:24,109
Wow, it's the planet's core.
397
00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:25,735
Jerry: I'm just saying,
398
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,904
we keep acting
like there's only two options,
399
00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,322
but there's not.
400
00:16:29,406 --> 00:16:31,199
So, yes, if we went
back to earth,
401
00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:33,785
as long as Rick was out there,
they'd wanna interrogate us.
402
00:16:33,869 --> 00:16:35,996
But, and this is
purely hypothetical,
403
00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:38,498
what if we turned your father in
to the government?
404
00:16:38,582 --> 00:16:39,749
Jerry, so help me god,
405
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:41,793
if you ever bring this up again,
no more bacon.
406
00:16:41,877 --> 00:16:43,420
There already is no more bacon!
407
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,922
This world sucks!
Our life sucks!
408
00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:47,757
Why are we doing this
for someone
409
00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:51,303
that would neverdo anything
for anyone but himself?
410
00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:53,054
Morty:
That's not the point, dad!
411
00:16:53,138 --> 00:16:56,057
We love Rick...
F-For the most part.
412
00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:58,286
Summer: Yeah, you don't love
people in hopes of a reward,
413
00:16:58,310 --> 00:17:00,353
dad, you love them
unconditionally.
414
00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:02,397
That's very good, kids.
I'm proud of you.
415
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,107
Okay, so let me
get this straight.
416
00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:05,358
For the rest of your lives,
417
00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,068
no matter how much it hurts you,
418
00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,279
no matter how much it
destroys our children's futures,
419
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:12,073
we're gonna do whatever
Rick wants, whenever he wants?
420
00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:13,950
All: Yes. — why?!
421
00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:16,620
Because I don't want him to
leave again, you dumb assholel!
422
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:28,131
Hey. Uh...
423
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,550
I was gonna hope over
to the gloppydrop system,
424
00:17:30,634 --> 00:17:32,052
get some ice cream.
425
00:17:32,135 --> 00:17:33,720
You -— you want me to come with?
426
00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:36,389
Don't you need my brain waves
for camouflage or something?
427
00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:38,558
I'll be okay. Bye, morty.
428
00:17:38,642 --> 00:17:40,268
Rick?
429
00:17:40,352 --> 00:17:42,103
You're not leaving, right?
430
00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:44,022
Yeah, I am. To get ice cream.
431
00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:45,649
So, you're coming back?
432
00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,943
Morty, if you go to where
there's a bunch of ice cream
433
00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,194
and then you don't come back,
434
00:17:49,277 --> 00:17:50,862
you haven't
actually gotten ice cream,
435
00:17:50,946 --> 00:17:53,114
you've just gone
where ice cream is.
436
00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:55,242
Rick, I can handle it if you go,
437
00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:57,160
but you'll break mom's heart.
438
00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:58,870
And I won't forgive you
for that.
439
00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:01,248
Where's the Van, morty?
440
00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:04,167
It's over the horizon
in the driveway.
441
00:18:15,387 --> 00:18:20,976
J” I hurt myself today j”
442
00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:25,772
For English, press 2.
443
00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:27,607
I been I connecting to agent.
444
00:18:27,691 --> 00:18:29,442
Wo m a n:
Ongoing investigations.
445
00:18:29,526 --> 00:18:32,612
Uh, hi, my name is Jerry Smith,
I'm from planet earth.
446
00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:34,990
I know the whereabouts
of Rick Sanchez,
447
00:18:35,073 --> 00:18:36,324
the wanted criminal.
448
00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:37,617
Hold on!
449
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,119
This is special agent gribbles.
450
00:18:39,202 --> 00:18:40,537
You have a t/p
about Rick Sanchez?
451
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,622
Yeah, he kidnapped me
and my family,
452
00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:44,624
and he left us
on dwarf terrace-9.
453
00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:47,460
He said he was gonna
go to the plimplom tavern.
454
00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,296
- And listen.
- Yes?
455
00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:51,357
I'm doing what's right
for the galaxy by calling you,
456
00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:55,218
so if we come back to earth, can
my family have a normal life?
457
00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,887
We only want Sanchez, sir.
Your family will be fine.
458
00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,472
Nice. Thank you.
459
00:18:59,556 --> 00:19:01,182
I'm Jerry Smith,
460
00:19:01,266 --> 00:19:04,144
and I love sucking big,
sweaty boners
461
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:08,440
and licking disgusting
furry testicle sacks.
462
00:19:08,523 --> 00:19:10,525
Uh... okay.
463
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:17,574
J” what have I become j”
464
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:22,495
j” my sweetest friend j”
465
00:19:23,538 --> 00:19:28,251
j” everyone I know j”
466
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:34,507
j” goes away in the end j”
467
00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:36,217
j” you could have it all j”
468
00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:40,638
- he's not coming back, is he?
- Morty: No.
469
00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,932
J” my empire of dirt j”
470
00:19:43,016 --> 00:19:46,019
hey, look, cops.
471
00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:52,776
J” I will let you down j”
- good morning.
472
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:58,239
J” I will make you hurt j”
473
00:20:02,619 --> 00:20:04,454
how long will you be
visiting earth?
474
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:05,830
Oh, we live here.
475
00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,208
We were just off-planet
for a wedding.
476
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:09,542
Go that way.
477
00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:32,565
I have processed
that you are in in distress
478
00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:34,734
and have proscribed
antidepressants.
479
00:20:34,818 --> 00:20:37,278
Compliments of
the galactic federation.
480
00:20:37,362 --> 00:20:38,446
I feel better.
481
00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:40,198
Your debt is 7,000 fed credits.
482
00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:41,991
Report to
the ministry of employment
483
00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:44,327
and you will be assigned
a function.
484
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:47,789
Honey! I got a job!
485
00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:50,333
J” you could have it all j”
486
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:53,878
sorry, I am not staring at you,
I am taking your mug shot.
487
00:20:53,962 --> 00:20:59,467
J” my empire of dirt j”
488
00:20:59,551 --> 00:21:05,473
j” I will let you down j”
489
00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:09,853
j” I will make you hurt j”
490
00:21:14,858 --> 00:21:16,776
Hey, what are you in for?
491
00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:19,487
Everything.
492
00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:26,870
J”j”
493
00:21:55,356 --> 00:21:57,275
Hoo-whee, what a cliffhanger.
494
00:21:57,358 --> 00:21:58,943
Oh, boy, oh, my!
495
00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:01,362
That's a real crazy ending, huh?
496
00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:04,949
Hi, I'm Mr. Poopybutthole
from episode 204.
497
00:22:05,033 --> 00:22:06,826
As you can see,
498
00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:08,828
I'm still recovering
from the bullet shot
499
00:22:08,912 --> 00:22:10,830
that I got from Beth.
500
00:22:10,914 --> 00:22:12,916
Remember that one? Ooh-wheel
501
00:22:12,999 --> 00:22:14,959
Come and get it, kitty.
502
00:22:15,210 --> 00:22:17,670
You know, these little fellows
help me get through the day.
503
00:22:18,755 --> 00:22:20,423
Ooh-whee.
504
00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,425
Oh, whoo-whee! Feels better.
505
00:22:25,261 --> 00:22:27,263
I got a large pepperoni
and some crazy sticks.
506
00:22:27,347 --> 00:22:29,766
Hey, what did youthink
of that finale, huh?
507
00:22:29,849 --> 00:22:32,602
Mm! You think the Smith family
is gonna be okay?
508
00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:34,163
Yeah, I don't know
what you're talking about, bro.
509
00:22:34,187 --> 00:22:35,855
Your total is $12.37.
510
00:22:35,939 --> 00:22:37,899
Whoo-whee! You think
Rick's gonna get out offjail?
511
00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:39,877
Whoo-whee, you think
the family's gonna rescue him?
512
00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:41,501
Hey, what the fuck?!
Get the fuck off me!
513
00:22:43,655 --> 00:22:44,864
Ow!
514
00:22:44,948 --> 00:22:46,509
Tune in to "Rick and morty"
season three in,
515
00:22:46,533 --> 00:22:48,576
like, a year and a half...
516
00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:52,247
Or longer
to see how we unravel this mess.
517
00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:53,498
Ooh-wheel
518
00:22:53,581 --> 00:22:54,999
oh, my god!
519
00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:56,501
Did you get any of that?
520
00:22:56,584 --> 00:22:58,545
It's-a good-a show!
36017
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