Original subtitles

As you can see, there’s nothing physically wrong with Tucker.

So whatever’s stopping his powers from coming back, I don’t know how to fix it.

Well, at least he hasn’t lost his fighting spirit.

Hiya!

Leslie, we need to talk.

Last night this little freak snuck home with me again.

- Aw! There he is! - What a little cutie!

No! It's not cute.

It's not cute.

He keeps me up all night

and insists on watching this one video

over and over about a loaf of bread that’s a guy?

Oh hell yeah! Mr. Loaf!

My daughter loves Mr. Loaf.

AND he keeps stealing my old engagement ring and using it as a pacifier.

Give that back!

No!

Oh, come on. That's not for you to suck on, Lil' Fleshler.

That's for Gary to dwell on as he...

contemplates the end of his romantic prospects.

That's right.

Now what are we gonna do about this?

'Cause he is ruining my life.

And if the goal is to "raise him to be good,"

this absolute lack of structure

is not working

Well, you may have a point.

Yeah, you're right. He is a kid.

I was thinking of him more as an experiment.

Like a Frankenstein. But he's not.

Even if he were,

Frankenstein snaps and kills a bunch of people.

No he doesn't!

He runs away into the Outback to live with his new kangaroo friends.

Wait a minute...

Which version of Frankenstein have we all seen?

Is it Frankenstein Down Under?

Ok. No, no, no. Ignoring this.

Leslie, please. C'mon. C'mon.

Well, I mean, I guess we could see if anyone wanted to adopt him.

No! He's so sweet!

Aren't you, little guy?

Coochy coochy, you little, little papisito.

Oh, yeah, you're not gonna want to tickle him

Ahh!

Oh god!

Get him off me!

Get him off! Please!

Oh God!

So, as we said in the post,

he's a good boy,

who just needs a loving home

and it looks like that could be you.

Right, um...

I guess my main concern is that, uh...

he's a demon?

Yes! Yes, I did want to include that

information...

but someone thought that it could scare people off--

Before they could get to know how sweet he is.

Huh?

Don't want pre-conceptions spoiling this, uh...

First... first impre--

Don't let your pre-conceptions spoil your first impression.

I'm landing on that.

That's nice.

Oh good.

Those were my father's ashes.

Y'know some people want their ashes spread when they're gone.

On the carpet?

- Some people-- - And it's a gorgeous carpet!

What is this, Moroccan? Or...?

Listen, we appreciate you coming over,

but an evil hell-child is...

not what we had in mind.

And there goes mom.

Okay, let's get real here.

You two wouldn't have responded to an essentially black-market adoption listing

if you weren't desperate.

The regular channels are costly,

and you can't make a baby yourselves

cause someone's barren, or someone's balls don't work

sussing it out, aaaaandd...

It's the balls.

Yeah, it's the balls, but that's okay!

"Can't make the seed?

There's no need!"

Jesus Christ.

When this little angel

is ready to brighten your day.

And, bonus!

He's never, uh, killed anyone technically.

No! This is mine!

Go eat a squirrel or something.

Hey! Hey give that back you little punk!

Huh! No!

Well that's all of them.

Y'know, one of them might have said "yes"

if you hadn't made so many comments about "men's seed"

Hey, "If the balls have flopped, you must adopt."

I mean, these slogans, Gary.

Pretty good, right?

So what do we do?

What's... What's our next step?

Ugh, I guess we take him back and put out another listing later.

Oh God damn it.

'Scuse me.

I couldn't help but overhear your conversation.

See, I'm an old man who loves children.

But am cursed to a life without.

Perhaps I could take this young man off your hands?

I'd be willing to pay for the privilege.

Ummm...

One second, man.

Are we thinking the same thing here?

- I hope so. - Say it on three...

One, two, three...

- Jackpot! - Absolutely not.

- Gary! - Did you say jackpot?

No! Are you serious?

Are you kidding me?

This is what we've been looking for, Leslie!

He just walks in out of the blue?!

This is textbook "guy not to trust."

Until you get to know me!

- Jesus Christ, man! - Oh, god!

Forgive me for butting in.

I have to speak up when I see a child not being loved.

You saw when I uh...?

Yes, I saw the kick.

And I saw the child eat the shoe,

and slurp up the lace like spaghetti, heh heh.

That part was funny.

See, I'm a musician slash entrepreneur with a successful business.

I may seem like a strange old man in the park, but...

I promise that's not the case.

Uh... is that a rat in your pocket?

Yes.

Okay, Leslie, second conference.

Tell me what you're thinkin' on three.

- One, two, three jackpot again! - Absolutely not!

- Second jackpot! - No, still, not!--Gary!

C'mon! This guy's perfect!

He's a freak in the park with rats crawling all over him!

He's got one rat, it's not...

Okay, lot's of rats.

But I trust him!

Okay, Gary, no. You're just wanting to get this whole thing over with.

Okay, we haven't even done a background check!

Ugh, you... mmm!

Okay, listen man. We're not saying "no."

But we do need to see some references.

But I got a good feeling about this.

I understand.

Unfortunately, that's not how I do things.

Oh children!

Jesus Christ, the bench is kids!

- Oh goddamnit! - Hey, no, put him down, c'mon!

Fuck!

And you're sure it was the Pied Piper?

Well, I don't know Hanley.

He had rats, a magic flute, and a child army

so what do you think?

This is unbelievable.

I mean, if he wasn't going to turn evil before,

- he will now! - Don't worry, Gary.

I got you!

When Lil' Fleshler was born,

we inserted a tracking device into his arm.

You can use this to find him!

Okay! Nice!

Some rare good news, am I right?

Thanks! Yeah, it's the same one that we used on, uh...

Used on who?

Um...

Do I have a tracking device in me?

- Do I have a tracking device in me? - Yes! Yes! Yes!

But it was just after you disappeared for a week

with those depressed forest sprites.

How did you even get it in me?

Cause I feel like I would've noticed that.

We drugged your ice cream.

Ice Cream Day was a sham...

- I knew it! - No, Gary!

Now I'm re-contextualizing everything that happened.

The way you were all smiling at me,

"More Gary.

Have more, Gary

You've earned it, Gary."

- No, hey, c'mon! - To think!

I let that be a nice memory.

It was a lovely day!

Remember everyone with their little bibs?

Yeah, by the way, the bib?

Garbage! It's in the garbage!

That was a place of honor on my wall.

You put the bib on your wall?

Ice Cream Day meant a lot to me!

Hey! Psst! Lil' Fleshler!

Lil' Fleshler, it's me, Gary.

C'mon!

The hell...?

C'mon, man. Let's go.

Let's go!

Ow!

Oh no, you've upset him.

Oh, hey man, um...

I hate that.

Hands up, Piper!

Your little child labour camp is finished.

"Child labour"?

You say that like it's a bad thing!

I'll have you know my children are paid for their work.

And we have a rock climbing wall,

and an ice cream station,

and an arcade.

Sort of like a barcade, but for children.

And we just bought an indoor rollercoaster from a theme park in Montreal.

Checkmate you clod.

Okay, that is obviously extremely cool.

But we're just here to get that one demon kid back,

so maybe we'll just grab him and jet, okay?

My question is...

are you leaving at all?

Children!

- No, goddamnit... - Ow, jeez, ow...

- Down. Down. - Hey, quit it!

Down. No!

That's my gun! My gun!

Get off, off, dya!

- Oh no! - Hanley, you've gotta be gentle with them.

- Did you do some damage? - Oh...!

I think I did a big one, Gar...

Okay, we're going full denial.

I didn't see it, you didn't do it.

- Full denial! - What...?

Uh, "what kid" y'know?

That's it! "What is a kid?"

- Wha...? - That's too far.

I took it too far.

Just "what kid?"

Hiyaa!

Hut, hut, hut, hut

Kiai!

Alright Lil' Fleshler.

Come here now.

What's the problem, friend?

You didn't want him.

If ya did, you would've adopted him yourself.

It's more complicated than that, man.

I'm not getting into it with you.

But, what? You can't take care of one kid?

Worried it'll cut into your masturbatin' and TV dinner time?

Ew! Don't say that stuff in front of him!

Hut hut hut hut!

Uh oh. Looks like he got ya.

- He he. - Bad boy!

Do not cut me, you cut him!

- Hiya! - Ugh!

Gary groaning]

Ooh, I'm gonna smash that stupid flute of yours, Piper.

Release all these kids from your spell--!

Do you really think that's why they serve me?

This pipe--

it is a pipe, by the way, I'm a piper--

controls the rats.

But the kids?

Well, I simply offer them a better life than they had.

In fact, I'll let you keep Scotty--

Lil' Fleshler.

I call him Scotty--

If he wants to go with you.

Lil' Fleshler I'm sorry

that I was so

rude to you

and tried to get rid of you

it's just...

You're literally the baby version of someone that hurt me quite badly.

That's not your fault, I know.

It's just something I gotta get over.

But I will.

I promise.

Hm! Interesting strategy.

Complex emotional plea.

You are aware that he's a baby, right?

Okay, goddamnit. Um...

Lemme just...

Here buddy...

I know you like this.

I won't take it away from you anymore.

Okay?

It's yours.

Ooh! He likes that.

Ooh, not sure I actually wanna do this...

Okay, no, it's yours. It's yours. It's yours.

There you-- eh, hey hey hey!

No! Come on. Get back here!

Oh hohoho, man!

You bare your soul, and Scotty still wants to stay with me.

Well, that's how it goes.

Isn't that right, buddy?

Yes, that's right.

Coochy coochy coo--

Okay, emergency meeting!

We need a new adult to front the operation!

All in favor of that guy!

Aye!

Oh, I'm sorry. My plate's a little full right now, so...

But okay! Yeah, let's go steal some wallets!

Okay buddy, time for bed!

Alright, once more and then devices off, okay?

Huh. Alright.

♪ Hey Mr. Loaf! ♪

♪ What do you know? ♪

♪ My skin is crust And my body is dough ♪

♪ Hey Mr. Loaf Are you nice to eat? ♪

♪ I'm a wonderful meal, Or a tasty treat ♪

♪ And I know life ends when you eat me ♪

♪ But that was always my fate ♪

♪ Which isn't to say That I am eager to die ♪

♪ I just don't have a choice ♪

♪ Ha Ha Ha ♪

♪ Ha Ha Ha ♪

♪ Ha Ha Ha ♪

♪ Ha Ha Ha ♪

- ♪ Ha Ha Ha ♪ - ♪ Mr. Loaf! ♪