Original subtitles

Come on, lads, let's wish this little bugger

a McTipsy's-style Irish happy birthday!

Well, it's birthday time in Ireland!

And joy is all around!

On this day, your birthday, your wish is our com-mound!

Oh, potatoes grow abundantly!

Then one year they did not...!

Okay, that's plenty. Thank you.

Thanks, guys.

Go away now. Thank you.

Okay, listen, everyone.

I am going to make a toast to Gary.

You may be another year older, but you're...

Not any closer to retiring.

Thank you, Leslie, I'm going to go play some pinball.

Well, because I was going to say, "Another year bolder."

And then I was going to kind of go, "Oh, did I say bolder?

I meant meant balder!"

Yo, that's amazing.

That would have been incredible if you would have said that.

Yeah, it would have been good.

Okay, what have we got here?

Drumming game. Dancing game.

"Puzzle Bitch"?

Hey, pussy!

Stack these blocks!

Okay, I guess so.

Insert coins, bitch!

I did insert them.

Insert coins, you weak motherfucker!

I did insert... Oh, crap!

Puzzle Bitch!

Oh, my God!

Why is there a baby on the floor?

Anybody lose a baby? Here you go, ma'am.

Oh, thank you.

Can I get you anything else?

Okay, well, if you need anything, let me know.

My name's Tucker.

I'm telling you, Leslie,

this Tucker kid is the new Chosen One.

You should have seen the way he moved!

A lot of waiters have good reflexes, Gary.

Besides, we've been down this road before.

Remember the boy you thought was the Chosen One

because he beat you at squash?

Kids aren't supposed to be good at squash, Les.

It's a professors' game.

It was weird how good he was.

Dexterous and... he had the mind for it.

Listen, I've got to get back to the Ministry and explain to

Accounting why we owe 50,000 dollars to an Irish bar.

Why don't you take the rest of the day off,

enjoy your birthday.

Hmm...

Come on, Hanley, we've got to go.

Gary, what the heck? My car door is still open.

Someone will close it.

Come on, come on, come on, come on!

So this kid has all the signs, eh, Gar?

The Mole of Brad. The Dewey Stache of Gendadiche?

Yeah, I don't know. I'm not sure about those ones.

But he does have super strength, super speed, all the mainies.

Well, actually, Gar, those traits don't usually manifest

till later, in the presence of extreme danger.

It's the mole that's the biggie.

The mole, huh?

I guess I'll have to see you naked, Tucker.

Yeah, so I definitely heard what you said there.

Did Leslie sign off on any of this?

Uh, yeah, I think so. I don't really remember.

Oh, shit, football practice?

I'm gonna go peep at Tucker while he's changing.

Not even gonna try and sugarcoat the way you say that, huh?

All right, team, before we head out there,

I just want to say a few words.

Now, a few months ago, I was just a former N.F.L. player,

jaded due to a career-ending injury

and addicted to pills.

But being sentenced to coach you kids

has given me a new lease on life.

It was touch-and-go there for a bit, you remember?

We didn't get along at first, did we?

No, there were days when I was like,

"These guys really hate me."

And then my wife, Karen, would say,

"No, they're just showing you tough love."

And I'd say, "Uh, no, Karen, they hate me.

I think I know the difference between tough love and hate."

And she'd say, "Don't yell at me, Carl.

I'm not the one you're mad at."

And I'd be like, "Uh, I think I can be mad

at more than one person, Karen.

It's called 'multitasking.' Ever heard of it?"

And she'd say, "If you're gonna yell like that,

then I'm going to my mother's."

And I'd say, "Go to your mother's!

Maybe I can get some peace and quiet around here!"

Oh, my gosh, Coach, look!

Jesus! We got a pervert.

Get 'em, kids!

Oh, crap. Go, Hanley!

Go, go, go, go, go!

Go where, Gar?

Go to the car, obviously, you fucking moron!

Oh, sh...

What the hell's going on here?

You spies from the rich team or just run-of-the-mill perverts?

Listen, we're from the Demon Ministry

and we're fairly certain that one of your players

is the new Chosen One.

So I just need to get him naked so I can check him for moles.

Please. Aw, screw it.

Tucker, we'll start with the shirt, bud.

Come back here!

No, leave me alone!

Oh, good God.

Hey, this is junior football, mister!

This sort of behaviour is barely tolerated anymore.

Let me go!

Hell yeah! That's how you tackle!

So our son is some sort of superhero?

Well, actually...

Yes, absolutely.

Your son is like all your favourite superheros combined.

He's Superman, Batman...

The Flash?

Sure, yeah. The Flash, sure.

Oh, The Flash. Honey, we love The Flash.

Oh yeah, I love The Flash. He's so fast.

I love how he's fast.

So yeah, your son is an actual hero.

So let's focus on that.

I really thought you'd be more focused on that.

Let's get him in the training room, huh?

You wanna see what he can do?

Actually, Gary, if you could just hang back a sec.

We need to talk.

Sure thing. Okay.

Hey, you guys go ahead, but don't turn on Gargnel

without me, okay?

Or he will murder you.

But for real. So just don't touch any dials.

Great, great.

Hey, you have to cool your jets, mister.

We still don't know for sure that Tucker is the One.

What are you talking about? He has the Mole of Brad.

He has a mole.

Sure, it looks like the Mole of Brad, but it could just be

a suspicious, possibly malignant, mole.

Okay, I get it.

You don't want me to leave, do you?

You're unhappy so I have to be unhappy, too?

Is that your sick little game, Leslie?

Hey! I summoned the monks, didn't I?

That was a lot of birds I had to send off,

and they didn't come back!

Is that how that works?

Oh, here they are. Hey, monks!

Your Holinesses, welcome! Did you get my birds?

You got the birds.

Oh, they were delicious.

Okay, ugh...

I'll shake that off. Okay, let's go in.

Oh, finally. What's the word?

Tucker possesses many interesting traits.

A very convincing mole, and his leg kicks out pretty much

right after you hit it with a little hammer.

But he lacks the warrior's heart that truly defines a hunter.

He's not the Chosen One.

What? No, no, that's not true.

I saw him save a baby in, like, the craziest way yesterday.

A lot of waiters have good reflexes.

Ooh, do you validate parking?

Oh, actually, it's our lot so it's free.

Oh, that's beautiful.

Not bad.

That is great.

It is great.

Nice meeting you guys. Have a safe trip back.

Wait, guys, don't go!

I really think you should test him again.

He has the Mole of Brad!

You gotta test him again!

Sorry, Gar, but the monks have spoken.

Fuck the monks. They are...

Yeah, I'm saying that.

They're a totally useless, corrupt organization.

What the fuck?

It's okay, Eric. Calm down.

Breathe. Breathe it off.

Do it, Eric!

Look, I know how you feel, but this isn't the end.

There's another teen out there in the awkward, greasy throes of

puberty just waiting to blossom into a first-rate demon hunter.

You will get to retire.

I promise.

Ooh, yeah, but not today, because a demon is attacking

a mall and they need you.

Okay, I'll drive Tucker home.

Wait, you know what?

Actually, Les, I'll drive him home.

It's on the way. We'll take him.

Are you sure?

I haven't told you where the mall is yet.

Oh, I'm sure it's on the way.

Everything's on the way to something.

Okay, I'll see you soon. Come on, Tucker.

Okay, well, I guess it's time to order more birds.

Ugh.

Okay, Tucker, let's go. Let's go.

Gary...

Tucker's going to fight a demon, Hanley.

It's the only way to prove he's the one.

But the monks said he's not the one.

Oh, the monks. Tucker's the one.

I can feel it. He can feel it.

You want to kill a demon, right?

Sounds great, Mr. G!

You really just go along with anything, hey?

Oh, don't question it, Hanley. Let's go, Tucker.

Great attitude. Great stuff.

Awesome.

Okay, looks like a simple Cerberus,

except one of its heads is... really quite cute.

Gary, this isn't right.

I'm not gonna let you put Tucker's life in danger.

You can't stop me, Hanley. Tucker can do this.

His powers will manifest in a moment of danger, right, Tucker?

Cool!

Okay, go on, Tuck.

Just don't get distracted by the cute head and you'll be fine,

okay, bud?

I've never really been in a fight before,

but like the Good Book says,

"You've got to fight anybody different from you."

Let's go!

I'm not sure that's an exact quote, but yeah!

Go get 'em!

Leslie and the monks are going to have to eat their words

when they see this.

Hey! Hey, knock that off.

Tucker, don't get distracted by the...

Oh, no, no, no, no. You can't be dead.

No, you're my replacement. You can't be dead.

Oh, fuck you, cute head!

Hanley, take over C.P.R.

Sorry, Tucker.

Goodbye, Hanley, Goodbye, Gary.

What the...

Oh, geez, what happened?

I'll tell you what happened: you just proved a bunch of

dumb monks wrong as hell.

You're the Chosen One.

Neat!

Wow, what can I say about a job I've hated for 30 years.

Um... mostly bad. Mostly bad, obviously.

We've sort of been through this.

But uh... you know, even...

even the bad stuff had some positive moments.

Um...

I don't know.

So yeah, thanks.

Thanks for the party and for everything.

'Kay, bye.

Oh, goodbye, Gary.

I hope you find the happiness you're looking for.

Thanks, Les.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, there you go.

Okay, ooh.

You're squeezing me a bit tight there.

Okay, Gar.

Ooh... that's probably enough.

Hey. Oh.

Okay.

Wanna keep hugging. Okay, hug it out.

Ooh.

Oh, I'll miss you, Gar.

I'll probably get out of here.

See you guys later.

Oh... probably just all hugged out.