Original subtitles

What the?

How did Mr. Takahagi get this?

No, no, Mr. Takahagi, don't let the gemstone control you!

Mr. Takahagi, no, not there!

Oh, oh...

I'm coming around on it.

Oh, Mr. Takahagi... Oh...

Oh, my god! I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, everybody.

Okay, cut everyone, what's going on in there, you two?

Sorry, Diane, I didn't warm 'em up this morning!

His tentacles are so cold, Steve.

Sorry, Steve, sorry everybody, that's my bad.

Listen, why don't I go back to my trailer,

I've got a hair dryer there, I can warm these puppies right up

and we can get back to work.

I was a little too in character!

♪ Nice and warm Ready for penetration ♪

♪ Loving my life.

All right, back to work.

Ahh!

Well, I didn't get a good look at the assailant's face,

but whoever it was sure got an eyeful of tentacle.

Eyeful of old Lefty, you know what I mean?

You know what? They should be honoured though.

Oh, no, here it comes.

That tentacle is a damned legend.

Look where'd you get this guy? This guy's great!

I'd like to just pack this guy, put him in my pocket.

Every time I'm feeling down, just open it up and get a little

spoonful of Marito, you know what I mean?

You're really...

you're really puttin' me over here, man.

Ugh.

Leslie, you cannot make me take this case.

I'm a demon hunter, not a demon babysitter!

Technically, you'll be more like a demon bodyguard.

Mike is on our registry, Gare, so he deserves our protection

till we find the creep who tried to kill him.

He's only ever been an upstanding citizen.

He has sex with human women using his tentacles!

He's a sick fucking octopus, man!

Hentai is a perfectly respectable art form.

Sure it crosses some cultural taboos,

but there's a real focus on storytelling.

Young women, near-mythical beasts,

relatable situations

turned into kind of glistening, throbbing...

Oh... my...

God, Leslie do you watch this stuff?

Oh, come one Gary, everyone's got kinks.

What's yours?

BDSM, huh? Pony play?

No, I don't--

Bathroom denial?

I don't have a-- Sorry, did you say bathroom denial?

Oh, yeah, that's a biggie.

One partner wants to go to the bathroom

and the other partner just plumb won't let 'em!

Breach of employer-employee relationship, this is a breach.

Oh, you're my friend.

Shut-- shut up. And we're not friends.

Less so now than five minutes ago, much less so.

So, you had to get back to work right away, huh?

Couldn't take one day off from porking human women?

You must think I'm a real workaholic, huh?

Yeah, yeah that's what I'm thinking.

Hey, don't touch those, okay?

Hey, hey, what's on "Gary's Mix Volume Five," huh, Gare?

It's private, it's private.

Can we put this on?

No, we cannot put that on! Put it away!

All right, okay, okay.

That's private property.

That's probably why you felt so comfortable

rubbing your tentacles on it.

That's what you do with-- do with privates.

Uh-oh, looks like my fan club's here.

Tentacles go!

Mike Must Go!

Hey, clear it out, clear it out everyone.

Eat brick and die, pervert!

Mike, watch out! Hee-ya!

Oh, he's got a sword.

Hey! Get back here!

You can't throw a brick and run away!

Ah, don't worry about them, Gary.

They're here all the time.

So that kind of thing happens to you a lot, huh?

Oh, yeah, protestors, death threats.

You know, somebody once threw an octopus through my window.

I mean-- I mean, that's more dumb than cruel

'cause, obviously, I'm not an octopus!

Right.

Know what I mean?

Yeah, obviously.

Mike! Oh, thank God, you're all right.

Why didn't you call me?

'Cause I'm fine, Lennox.

I just wish people would stop making such a fuss about me.

Hey, speaking of fusses, meet my bodyguard, Gary.

Bodyguard?

Gary, this is Lennox.

My producer and my friend.

How's it going?

Sorry, what's this guy doing here?

Oh, they're just cleaning out my suction cups.

If he doesn't swab 'em out, I am a UTI machine.

Oh, my god, okay, okay.

Thanks, Chip!

Anytime, Mike!

If you could just remind me never to ask another question

while I'm here.

Listen, Gary, I can tell this really isn't your thing,

so if you want to wait outside when we roll--

No, no, it's-- It's fine. I'll just be over there.

Really far over there with my eyes gouged out.

All right guys, let's get going. Hey, Mike...

Let's get back to work!

Okay, we're rolling everyone!

Oh, Mr. Takahagi!

I've never been touched there before.

How did you know to touch there?

Oh, that's such a good idea to touch there!

So, what'd you think?

What? No, I don't know.

I didn't watch.

Who cares? What're you talking about?

Don't worry, Gary, your secret's safe with me, huh?

Right.

Whoa, is that a signed John Player jersey?

Yeah, he is a big hentai fan.

Wow, he's like my favourite basketball player.

The way he shoots it and...

and dribbles it also...

You said it. Want a brewski?

Sure. This is all so normal.

I was sort of expecting pervert art, you know what I mean?

Like someone licking a boot or wet cement.

Stuff that's not like sex, but it's sex.

I know what you mean, I know what you mean.

But hey, what can I say?

This is me, and I like defying people's expectations!

Certainly defied my family's.

They're all sea-monsters, they love causing shipwrecks.

But I've never been good at that kind of stuff.

I guess the only thing I'm really good at is, you know,

getting people off.

Is that crazy? Is that nuts?

Uh, no, it's not. I mean, I get it.

You know, my family's never really appreciated

what I do either.

Then I guess we've got more in common than you thought.

Hey, our reservation's at se-- Oh, hey, Gary.

You ready, Mike?

Oh, right, we had dinner plans.

What do you say, fierce protector,

care to play chaperone?

Well, I don't really have a choice, so, yeah.

Great! Hey, looks like our cozy two-way just became

a little gang-bang, huh, Len?

Just kidding, Gary!

Nothing new for us, Mike.

Just kidding, Gary.

Hey, Mike, you decent?

Over here, Gare.

Hey, what's with the getup?

Not shooting today, the Adult Film Awards are tomorrow night.

So, I thought I'd take the day off, drive up the coast,

and unwind.

Care to join me?

I'm not sure unwinding

is technically part of my job description.

I won't tell if you don't. Here ya go!

I can't believe you watch that show!

It's got everything!

It's funny, you learn about fashion,

and it's hosted by Ru Paul.

I knew you were more open-minded than you were letting on.

Hey, don't put me on a pedestal because I like

what's objectively the best show on television.

Wow, Lennox owns this place?

And he's out of town for a couple weeks,

so we got the run of the place.

Make yourself at home!

Cool.

Hey, so what's the deal with you and Lennox anyway?

I feel like I sensed some, you know, chemistry last night.

We used to go out, me and Lennox,

but now we're just friends, occasionally more.

Right, and he's cool with that arrangement?

Well, it's just sex, Gary.

I mean, I might sound like a square by saying this,

but as someone who's only had sex once in the past 20 years,

I feel like sex means more than you're giving it credit for.

I can tell you don't love very easily, Gary.

Well, okay, yeah, maybe not, maybe not.

You know... maybe not.

Gary, look at this wall you build around yourself.

You close yourself off to everything.

I'm not closed off, I'm just wary.

You're scared of getting hurt.

Uh, yeah, I am. 'Cause getting hurt sucks.

But Gary, without that risk, are you really living?

I'm sorry.

Let me make you something to eat.

I think we got some stuff in the fridge here,

I can make you a sandwich?

Sure.

You like sandwiches?

I like sandwiches.

Good!

Mike, what the hell is this, man?

Oh, that's nothing.

It's just-- It's just fan mail.

Nothing? It's a death threat!

"See you at the awards show," that's not necessarily a threat.

"Where I will kill you."

Okay, yeah, the back is a... is a bit more direct.

Mike, you-- You gotta tell me about this stuff!

Gary, I get stuff like that all the time.

It's not gonna stop me from living my life.

This person literally wants to stop you from living your life.

Now, you're not going to those awards tomorrow night.

I forbid it.

Gary, you can't avoid the good things

for fear of what might go wrong.

Sometimes you just have to let go.

But what if you get hurt?

Well, what if you don't?

Oh-h...

Tentacles.

The stars are out for tonight's Adult Film Awards and--

Oh, look!

There's Red Buns and Wet Jacklyn!

Stars of the thought-provoking film

"Stepmom Teaches Son's Girlfriend How To Blow Son."

Hey, Mike, why don't we skip these awards?

You know, you could pull a Brando and send up someone

in your place as like a protest.

Maybe a pizza guy who's sick of how they're represented in porns

as always like, "Oh, every pizza boy just wants to pop his dick

through the pie and pork away."

C'mon, Gary, wish me luck.

Good luck.

Ha-ha, all right, I think we can all agree that was gross.

Up next we have the award

for Best Performance in a Hentai Film.

And the nominees are:

Little Gremlin in "I'm Coming Home to You,"

One Man Gang Bang in "One Man Gang Bang - A Biography,"

Sharmel Jameson for

"Ten-Tackles, an American Hentai Football Story,"

What the?

I thought Lennox was out of town.

Oh, my God.

And the winner is...

Mike Yamasuki!

Mike, get down!

Give it up, Lennox! Give me the--

What the--

Ow! Ow, what the hell?!

Phone?

Yeah, you psycho. What did you think it was, Gary?

I thought it was a gun,

I thought you were gonna shoot Mike!

Oh, my God, a gun?

You were supposed to be out of town!

I was out of town, I came back to surprise Mike.

Is everything going okay down there, guys?

Usually I like to be invited to the orgy.

Mike!

Noo!

You son of a bitch!

Mike, are you okay?

Chip? Why, Chip?

Because you're a pervert, Mike! You're all perverts!

No one calls One Man Gang Bang a pervert.

Sorry, who's Chip again?

Cleans out my suction cups, swabs 'em out...

Oh, right, suction cup guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

From before. Never expected Chip.

Let's not talk, and maybe we'll focus on conserving our energy,

okay, buddy?

Why would he do it?

Who knows?

He's probably really hurting inside.

I think he's an extremist, Mike.

Walk me over to him, I want-- I want to apologize to him!

No, you're not going to apologize to him.

It must have been something I said.

You're not apologizing.

It must have been something.

Nope, let's go.

I should call his parents.

Knock, knock.

Oh, hey, Gary! Come in.

Hey, Lennox.

Listen, I just wanted to apologize for tackling you

at the awards last week.

I got it in my head you weren't over Mike and that--

No, it's okay, I'm not over Mike.

And I probably never will be.

I realized once Mike gets his tentacles into you,

well there's no going back.

No, I guess there isn't.

So, he's in Milan, huh? That's cool.

Yeah, sounds like he's recovering all right too.

He says he might stay there for a bit.

I guess they have this burgeoning Hentai scene,

and well, you know, Mike.

"Share the love."

Anyway--

Oh, Gary, wait.

Mike wanted me to give you something.

Here.

Thanks.

Uh-h, take care Lennox, good luck with all the um...

The pornography.

Yes.

Goodbye, Gary.

Uh-huh.

"To my brave protector.

May you always find room in your heart for love,

rather than fear.

If you do that, happiness will be a slam dunk!

Not my best joke, but I was trying to tie it into the gift.

Yours always, Mike.

P.S.

All things considered, I don't think Chip really cared about

my health, so you might want to get yourself checked.

Cheers."