Original subtitles

Hey, there, hot stuff.

Ooh, you're even prettier than your picture.

Ow! Oh, Jesus.

Coming.

Hey, idiot. Grab this.

What are you d...

I gotta crash here for a couple weeks.

Uh, no.

What the hell are you talking about, Steve?

Me and Judy hit a bit of a rough patch.

Just need a place to crash till things cool off.

Then go to a hotel.

I don't want you here.

Hey, come on! I'm your brother!

How can you be so heartless?

It's truly amazing, isn't it?

But there it is.

So now if you could just please, you know, sort of...

Oh gross.

Is this how you normally eat?

That is so depressing.

Physically you're depressing, but this is horrible.

Let's order a pizza like humans.

We're not ordering a pizza, Steve,

'cause you're not staying.

Come on, Gar!

Go! Walk away!

Gary!

Take your bags and walk away!

Go insult a concierge at a hotel someday.

How about this?

No, I don't...

Hey, you remember baby in a basket!

Remember the baby in the basket?

Don't, Steve! I'm a grown man!

Don't care! You're baby now!

And then when the pizzas finally got there I had to pay for them,

'cause the guy's totally broke.

Poor guy.

Sounds like he's going through a rough time.

Oh, don't feel bad for him, Hanley.

He's a manipulative jerk.

Yeah, but Gar, he's family, you know?

I mean, hell, I always wished I had a brother.

The history of the world's literature

records nothing but negative examples of brotherhood.

Cain and Abel, ever heard of 'em?

Yeah, isn't that the one where the one guy got really famous

and he just helped catapult his brother to fame, as well?

What? No, no, that's not what it is.

Oh, no, no.

I'm thinking of James and Dave Franco.

But, look, there's a good one, right?

Okay, yes, you've stumbled into the one positive version

of brotherhood that I'm sure will come apart

at some time due to scandal.

Hey, there he is. DickTown.

Hey, how was your day?

Fine, how was your day?

Did you piss all over my apartment

and claim it as yours yet?

That's what I missed. I should do that.

Oh, my God, man! You drank all my beer?

Well, that's great, you know? That's very nice.

Good night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

You're not going to bed, are you?

You've already commandeered everything else in the place,

so yeah.

Eff that.

We're both swinging bachelors now.

We should go somewhere fun, treat ourselves.

How about that cheesy rodeo bar, huh?

You know the one with the mechanical bull

we used to go to in our twenties?

Actually, Steve, you used to go there.

Yeah, all the time.

With your friends.

We used to kill that place.

And I was never invited.

You never came.

I was never invited.

It'd be perfect for you.

A lot of ugly guys do very well there.

Okay, just...

We're making up for lost time. This is our time now.

Okay, fine, fine.

I'll go for a couple drinks, but only because I'm curious.

Let's...

It's the same bar we used to go to, so...

I was never there!

Wow, this place... sucks.

I know, it's great, right?

Hey, two brews for me and my bro.

We've got like 100 beers on tap, so...

Ah, at least I get to drink beer again.

Judy never let me.

Oh, you're going to ignore me. That's fine.

So what happened with you guys, anyway?

A few months ago I got let go from my job.

Oh, shoot, I'm sorry.

You loved being an accountant for some reason.

Then last month we defaulted on our mortgage,

something about I didn't pay.

Then Judy finds out, she's pissed, so here I am.

She said she'd call when she was ready to talk,

but I haven't heard from her yet.

Guess I am just a loser, she was right.

Hey, easy, man.

It sounds like you only lied to protect her.

I guess you're right.

She's the fat loser.

Okay, well...

Hey, you ever ridden one of those bad boys?

What, the bull?

No, and I'm not about to start, man.

Come on!

No way!

Hey, I'll do it if you do it. Come on, bro!

All right, all right. Screw it!

Yeah.

Okay, I don't... Whoa!

This is how a bull moves, huh?

Hey, Steve, check this out!

You're riding that bull!

I'm doing it, brother!

What...? Whoa!

Hey, you scuffed up my boots, you sumbitch!

Oh, hey, sorry about that, man.

Oh, you will be. I love these boots.

Just got 'em polished at the airport.

Hell, yeah, I'm that motherfucker.

I like to sit nice and high and make eye contact with people

walking by, and I'm not ashamed!

I wanna look like a slave owner.

That's why I do it!

Hey, step off before my brother summons a demon

to kick your ass.

Oh, no, Steve, you know...

Summon 'em.

I mean, I caught a cherub earlier that I forgot to

turn in, but I really shouldn't.

Hey, I'm talking to you about getting my boots polished

and feeling like a slave owner.

Pay attention to me!

You know what? This guy deserves it.

Fly, cherub! Fly!

Hey, get this gay baby out of here!

Fly true, arrow, and strike with love.

Hey, Bigot Jim!

Bigot Jim, what the hell are you doing?

Don't kiss him, Bigot Jim!

Oh, I am going to kick...

my own ass if I don't make out with my friend right now.

Fuck yeah, Buford, get over here.

Get that finger up in that corn hole.

Dude, are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

That was good.

That was awesome!

That was good.

This is the first time I've felt good since Judy dumped me.

Grab us some more brews. I gotta take a pee shot.

All right, buddy.

So what'll it be, my man?

Two more brews for me and my bro.

Yeah, again, if you could just narrow it down for me

in any way...

Yeah, yeah, that's a true story, the one I just finished telling.

Offices are the same everywhere.

Damn interns are always eating my lunch.

Hey, well, if it was anything like this spaghetti Bolognese,

I don't blame 'em, seriously.

Oh, come on.

Seriously, you keep cooking like this,

I might not let you leave, buddy.

Ha, about that.

Uh, I might have to stay another week, actually.

I still haven't heard from Judy.

I kind of thought she'd at least call by now.

Right, yeah.

Do you even want to hear from Judy at this point?

I mean, she kicked you out in your hour of need.

She did.

Right?

Called me a fatso.

Sure, sure. Forget about Judy!

Your brother's got your back now.

You do.

That's right, and as soon as I'm back from my overnight mission,

we are gonna party like it's 1990.

Like it's 1990.

Remember how much we partied in that year?

Great year.

Yeah, you know what?

In the meantime I'll just wait here.

I'll just... I'll be by myself.

I'll just wait here.

Or... you could come with us.

We'll crash at a motel, get drunk.

Yeah, I could kill a demon.

That part's against the rules but we'll see what happens.

Well, let's see.

You in?

I'm in!

We don't need to be sad anymore!

No, not sad anymore!

♪ Don't need no disco!

♪ Don't need no brakes!

♪ Cause there ain't no stopping! ♪

♪ On the road of mistakes!

Oh, take it Steve!

Okay, fellas, I think you can rock out just as hard

with your seat belts buckled, okay?

Well, you can probably rock out just as hard

with your seat belt unbuckled.

Hey, don't!

Freebird! Cowboy!

He's freaking out.

You crossed a line!

He doesn't like that.

Buckle it back up again.

I'm not taking my hands off of ten and two.

Oh, shit, there's the demon. What is that, a sphinx?

Take the exit, Hanley!

I got her.

Let's go! Let's go!

Okay, okay, easy. Just let everyone go.

To get these innocents set free, you must answer a riddle for me.

Oh, I fuckin' hate sphinxes.

The subject matter is mine to choose.

Uh-huh.

Answer wrong and their lives they'll lose.

I fully understand how this works.

Let's go.

A killing blow is what I'll deliver.

I'll eat their kidneys, hearts, and livers.

Mmm-hmm.

And then I'll eat their brains and bones,

and flesh and feet and hands, and their faces...

All right, you're not even rhyming anymore, man.

Just get to the fucking question!

Well, fuckin'... You keep cutting me off!

I'm not cutting you off!

You are cutting me off!

Ask your question!

Ask your question or I'll cut you up right now.

Oh, yeah, great.

You wanna fight or do you wanna ask your stupid question?

I really want to do the riddle.

Okay, ask the riddle. Fuck!

Get this right and it's you they'll thank.

The best Beatles album is "blank."

What's the best Beatles album, man?

What's what all of this was leading towards?

That's not a riddle!

Yes, it is!

No, it's not!

Okay, what's the best Beatles album?

What do we think here?

You know, what about that album they did with Cirque du Soleil?

Hanley, shut the fuck up. Is it "Revolver"?

It could be.

Should we say "Revolver"?

Yeah.

I'm saying "Revolver".

Are you done? "Revolver"?

Okay, yeah, no. Sorry.

It's "Love", the album they did with Cirque du Soleil.

What the hell?

Ah, that was the best one.

That's not a Beatles album.

That's a soundtrack for a circus show.

Guess what, pal? My riddle, my rules!

All right.

Whoa!

Little girl, watch out!

Steve, that was incredible.

Hey, you're even better at this than Hanley.

I'm right here, Gary.

I know. I said it so you could hear it.

What's going on, man? What's wrong?

Sorry, Gar. I just...

Seeing that happy family's making miss

Judy and Michaela so much.

Hey, don't think about that right now, man.

Judy dumped you for no reason, remember?

That's horse crap, too! I made that up!

I lied to her for months.

I didn't look that hard for a job.

I went out drinking with my friends

till they got sick of me too.

I really am a loser.

I'm so fat.

No wonder Judy doesn't want to talk to me.

I'm sure she does.

Then why hasn't she called?

Maybe she has called and maybe someone deleted the call,

mostly by accident.

What does that mean? Who would...?

What? Did you delete the call?

Holy Crap!

No! I didn't...

Okay, maybe...

Did you?

Yes.

But only because you seemed better off without her,

and because you and me were getting along so great,

like real brothers.

These past two weeks have been some of the

best of my life, bro.

And I know you feel the same way, too.

I can't believe you did that!

Steve, come on, man!

You may be the chosen one, but I can still kick your ass!

Steve, don't... Ow, Steve!

Uh, gents, yeah, I'm not sure the demon's quite dead yet.

Gents...

No, Steve, no baby in the basket!

Yeah, you're going in the basket!

Ow! Ow!

How do you like that, huh?

Guys, look out!

Oh, Steve.

I got you, brother!

Whoa, what's...?

Ah, get him off me, you dumb moron!

He's killing me!

Get him off me!

Hey, Judy.

Hey, Michaela.

Oh, look, it's selfish Uncle Gary.

The guy who lied to me and almost got me killed.

Come on, Steve, I said I was sorry.

And in the end I did kill that sphinx.

Yeah, like after 10 minutes of it eating my face, you moron.

Did I tell you he deleted all your calls to me?

You told me.

Well, um, I just wanted to apologize and bring you and Judy

a little gift in case you guys are looking

to rekindle the flame.

Steve knows what it is.

No, I don't.

Get your stupid gift away from me.

I don't need your...

Holy crap!

Okay, no, no, no, I'll get it. I'll get it.

It's okay.

My family's in here!

I don't want to see any orgies in here!

No, I got him! I got him!

Mom, are you okay?

Gary...

Oh, fuck me.

No, Judy.

I'm gonna touch you and this nightgown's gonna come off.

No, Judy, put your clothes on!

Judy, put that back on!

Look at Steve! I'm...

Come here, baby.

Get off of her!

This was supposed to be for you and your wife!

Get me out of this bed!

Michaela, get out of here!

I'm sorry!