Original subtitles

Hey, Gar! T.G.I.F.

So any big plans this weekend?

No.

Oh, crazy! Yeah, me neither.

Say, I couldn't help but notice your getup today.

Is there any significance to the all black?

Yeah, today's the 20th anniversary of the day

Janine was murdered, so thanks for asking, Les.

Wouldn't it maybe be just a bit healthier

to try and move on instead of, you know, obsessing over it?

Hey, if you want some company tonight,

maybe I could come over, watch a fun movie.

Leslie, I'm not obsessing, all right?

I'm paying tribute.

And as morbidly curious as I am to find out what you consider

a fun movie, I would rather be alone.

But Gary, don't you think...

No, trust me, Leslie, I'll be fine.

I do this every year.

T.G.I.F., by the way.

T.G.I.F., Gary.

I forgot to say it back to you, so...

So then Leslie was like, "Oh, you wanna watch a fun movie?"

And I was like, "Oh, I would love to hear

what you think a fun movie is."

And she was like, "Uh, excuse me?"

And she, like, changed the subject or something.

But it was like... It was really funny.

More wine?

Ugh. This is not great.

Okay, let's see.

Cherry Seinfeld. Cherry Lee Lewis.

Ugh.

I guess I'll get the Cherry Orbach.

Ready to die, chosen one?

Oh.

Oh, Bloody Mary. You scared the hell out of me.

What, you live in this neighbourhood?

Yeah, but shh, it's just "Mary" around here.

I don't want to scare my neighbours, you know?

Okay, yeah, well, you did just loudly threaten me

in a grocery store, so...

That's a good point.

So what brings you to the grocery store so late?

Oh, um... sadness?

I don't know. What about you?

Just doing the weekly shopping, so in other words: same.

Oh.

I see.

Boy, it sucks when you say it out loud.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, you wanna get a drink?

Absolutely.

Oh, my God. I know that lady.

You know her?

Yeah she's got a lot of hair on her face

and she travels through the T.V.s.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, and she moves...

You know how she moves?

Yeah!

Like a crab. She goes...

You know what I mean?

Yeah, she scuttles.

I'm like, "Walk, girl."

Give walking a try, girl!

Anyway, I killed her.

Man, it feels good to talk about this stuff again.

Totally.

So what song you want to listen to?

Honestly, it's mostly Chubby Checker tracks.

You've got "The Twist", "Let's Twist Again",

"Did I Say to Stop Twisting?".

Oh, this one's called "Love Song for Sylvia"

but then in brackets, it's, you know, "Twist".

I don't mind.

Wow.

I really miss the demon world, I guess.

Human world not doing it for you?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

When I first went on the registry, I thought,

"Will I ever be happy if I can't kill preteen girls?".

Right?

Sure, sure.

And then I met Jeff and it was the happiest time in my life,

honestly.

But lately it's like I'm invisible or something.

And, well, honestly, you know, sex,

I haven't done that in months.

Holy smokes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I'm a fine one to talk.

I haven't had sex since Janine died, but, you know, that's...

What? That's 20 years ago.

Oh, has it been that long? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, a long time. A long time.

Gary, oh, man.

I know. I know.

You know what I'm saying?

I just haven't...

I haven't met anyone I've connected with, so...

What?

...I don't want to just give it away.

This is crazy. You're the chosen one.

If that doesn't get the ladies red, red hot,

I don't know what would?

Are you kidding me? I'm a bald old freak.

Oh, come on.

Even in my hometown, people can't stand to look at me.

I can't believe your husband's not

jumping your bones every chance he gets.

Stop.

What "stop"?

You're a sexy, ancient, I'm-not-sure-how-old,

powerful fuckin' demon lady.

Uh... looks like our drinks are done...

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Oh Mary. Wanna go back to my place?

Sure, I know a shortcut.

Oh, sick, I've always wanted to go into...

Oh, baby!

That was the scariest place I've ever been in my entire life.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Is that a shrine?

Uh... yeah, don't worry about that.

Gargnel chop!

Is that the best you've got, Gargnel?

Yes, I am at my highest setting.

Gary's in the zone today.

Oh, looks like someone's in a good mood.

Oh, hell, yeah, I am. One sec.

I'm just gonna turn down Gargnel so he doesn't murder you.

Intruder! You will be...!

Offered tea.

No, I'm fine. Thank you so much, Gargnel.

So what did you get up to over the weekend?

If you must know, I made love to a beautiful, intriguing woman.

Oh!

Please don't say her name was "my hand."

I can't handle that kind of joke in the morning.

What? You made that joke...

I didn't... Okay, no.

Well, anyway, no. It was good.

It was wild.

I've known her for a few years, but I've never realized how much

we had in common.

We really connected.

Nice.

And does this lady have a name?

Actually, it's Mary. Bloody Mary.

Oh, no, Gary, she's...

I know what you're gonna say. She's a demon...

Married, Gary. She's Bloody... Married.

No, no, sorry. This is serious.

Okay, yes, technically she's married.

But from what she told me it's not going to last much longer.

Often cheating is a sign of general mistrust.

Very good, Gargnel.

What does that mean? What does that mean?

Listen to it!

You're entering into unstable footing

for a long-term relationship.

Oh, I don't want to date her 'cause she's a cheater?

Is that what you're saying, Gargnel?

Honestly, I find that a bit offensive.

This is a woman who's in need of something new.

And you're just characterizing her as, like, a bad woman

through and through.

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

All right, you know what?

I think starting an affair with a married person usually falls

under the category of, "Whoops, yep, shouldn't have done that."

No offence, Les, but you might not be the best person

to consult on this.

Your husband literally left you for someone

he started an affair with.

Well, touche, yeah. Walked right into that one.

Maybe I will have some tea, Gargnel.

Slip something fun in there for mama, huh?

Lady Gargnel enjoyed whiskey with tea.

That's when the trouble started.

Okay.

Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary...

Gary!

Hey!

Hey, man.

Oh, okay, look: you cannot just summon me like this.

What if Jeff saw?

I needed to see you and you weren't answering your texts,

so I thought, "Hey, maybe I'll just ring her up

the old-fashioned way."

Gary, look, um... we had a great time.

And, you know, I own that. I own my part in that.

But I'm married.

You're Bloody Married.

I stole that from my boss.

Look, I'm serious. It was a mistake, okay?

Are you kidding me?

It didn't feel like a mistake,

the way we were throwing each other around the...

I've still got wounds.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, this has got to be goodbye.

But we'll always have, you know... um... Friday.

Oh, it's just you and me now, Cherry Orbach.

Wait a second... "Cherry Sandusky"?

Oh, dear God.

I'm gonna fuckin' kill you, man.

Mary!

Give me your wallet or you're dead.

Oh, just a mugger. Here you go.

You want some ice cream, too?

Yeah, sure, I'll take...

Ugh, no, man.

What are you, depressed or something?

Oh, just in love with a woman who doesn't love me back.

You know, my dad always taught me

that love's the most important thing in the world.

Hell, that's why I'm stealing all this money.

I'm gonna buy a ring and propose to my sweetheart, Donna.

Aw, that's nice.

Yeah, she's an angel.

Anyways, I, uh...

I see another guy across the parking lot, so, uh...

Oh, yeah, of course. No, sorry.

Um... good luck with...

You know, I hope she says yes.

Heh. That makes two of us, I guess.

Hey! Hey buddy!

I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!

Oh, dear God.

Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.

Gary! Have you lost your mind?

No, I have not.

I've realized that I love you and that's all that matters.

What? You don't love me.

You barely know me, Gary. Now please leave me alone.

Wait, wait, wait! Don't leave me!

Oh god, oh god!

Oh, it's the child skulls!

Oh, the worst part is the child skulls.

You don't get to travel through the mirror unless I invite you!

You need to leave now, before Jeff gets home!

I will leave when you definitively tell me

you're not interested.

I have said that multiple times.

Honey, I picked us up a rotisserie chicken.

Leave now.

Hey, Jeff, this is gonna be tough and pretty confusing

to hear, so I'll just rip it off like a Band-Aid.

Mary and I are in love.

She's just too afraid to admit that your marriage is over.

Sorry, pal.

What? Who are you?

No, no, no! It's not true, Jeff.

Gary's just a guy I know from my demon days.

There's nothing between us. I made a mistake.

Mary, what are you saying?

I...I slept with him.

No. No!

Last Friday.

No!

And a bit into Saturday. And a bit into Saturday.

Stop!

No! No!

Not on Sunday, I hope!

No.

Oh, wow.

I knew things had become a little distanced between us,

but, God, Mary, I didn't know they were this bad.

You know what?

The best thing to do right now is just face the pain.

Quickest way to move on, pal.

You! You did this!

Whoa, hey, Mary, remember the rules.

You're on the registry.

Whoa!

Fuck the registry!

You ruined my marriage, you bald freak!

Mary, calm down. Your marriage was already over.

You said so yourself! And you said you liked my hair!

I said we had problems and I was being nice about the hair.

"Nice about the hair"? Whoa, hey!

Mary, I don't want to fight you. I love you!

No, you don't! Love is what I have with Jeff.

Sure, it was complicated, but it was real.

You said you felt invisible!

Mary... I really think you're downplaying how much fun we had.

Mary, did you really feel invisible around me?

Losing air...

Well, you've just been spending so much time at work.

And, you know, when you're home you don't really want to

like hang out, like, as much as you used to.

And I guess...

I thought you were bored of me.

What?

I'm losing a lot of oxygen here, guys.

How could I be bored of you? You're Blood Mary!

Well...

Come on! I thought you were bored of me.

What?

Yeah, I thought maybe you were over my human-ness.

Jeff!

This is a really sweet moment but maybe just

let go of me first.

I could never be over you, Jeff.

I love you.

I'm so, so sorry.

It's okay. It's...

Maybe it's a mulligan, you know?

Yeah.

It's a hall pass.

Yeah!

You know? They say everybody gets one.

Yeah.

So, you know, maybe in a couple years,

I'll have a hall pass and I'll get with someone.

Oh, Jeff, no.

If you do that, I'm gonna lay eggs in her brain, okay?

Okay, well, I don't have to do it.

I mean, it's just nice knowing I could.

If you want to do it, she's going to die, Jeff, okay?

Well... But, you know, fun to...

It's just sort of more of a mental, uh,

attitude for me to take--

Eggs in the brain.

Okay.

Well, Gary, I am really glad you took me up on my offer.

"Under the Tuscan Sun". Diane Lane in a straw hat.

Can you think of anything more fun?

That does sound fun.

Oh, she has this tomato and she just...

She can't get through it, you know?

Is it too juicy? Is it not?

And what is that tomato, for us, the audience?

How long is this movie?

Oh, I think it's about two hours and 20 minutes, Gary.

Two hours and 20 minutes of fun.

I'm gonna send you home. I'm gonna send you home.

I gotta go? Okay.

And you gotta take the move with you.

You know what? I'll take the movie, okay?

Yeah, this was a bad idea.

Right, I hear you.

Oh, see you, Gar.