Original subtitles

Ow! Ugh.

Ow, my back.

Son of a gun.

Are you feeling old?

He's just an old man, Deborah. Don't worry about him.

I'm not a young man anymore.

I'm old. I know that.

I see it in the mirror every day.

I've got aches and pains, fuckin' hair falling out

of my head like some sort of goddamn witch's curse.

I'm a dogshit old man.

Dogshit.

The kids see me on the street and they scream,

thinking I've laid a curse on them.

Mayhaps I have.

Mayhaps I've cursed them with the knowledge of what's to come.

All I know is I can't turn back the clock.

Of course, there's one other thing I know,

and that's... good coffee.

And this, my friends, is good coffee

from the hills of Peru to your cup.

Christ on the cross, that's a good brew.

Morning, Gar, have you seen my new mug yet?

You see, it says

"Carpe Coffee. And then I'll get around to the Diem."

Isn't that such a scream?

I don't understand what that...

"Carpe Diem." Seize the day.

Seize the...

Oh, seize the coffee and then we'll get around to the...

That's a long... That's a long way to go.

Right.

Okay, anyway, I've got a new case for you.

The victim's a student at the local high school

named Jesse Fultz.

Apparently he overdosed on a new drug

going around the school called D.

Tell him, Marito.

It's got demon qualities written all over it.

I gave it to some lab rats and they went crazy, dawg.

And then "boom!" They went into a coma.

So, what, you want me to go undercover

and pretend I'm a teen and find the drugs?

'Cause news flash, guys, I'm a bit old for that.

I'm a dogshit-ass old man, just like the ad says.

Uh, what ad?

Oh, I saw that ad. The coffee from Peru?

Yeah.

Well, regardless of this, you know, you are going undercover.

But in a special way.

Marito has combined some shapeshifter serum

with a little D.N.A. from Jesse here.

You're gonna be Jesse. Isn't that a blast?

I guess it'll beat being me.

Sorry?

Oh, nothing.

Just muttering a little cry for help.

Let's do it!

Yeah! Yeah!

Mr. Fultz, welcome back.

Oh, uh... thanks. Yeah.

That's me. Jesse... Jesse Fultz.

Oh, my God. It's Jesse.

Oh, wow. Jesse.

So last class, we spoke about "Romeo and Juliet",

a play by... Curtis?

Oh, I know this. I know this.

Uh... William.

William, yeah.

William... yes.

William... now for the easy part of the name...

We thought you were a goner, Jesse.

How you feeling?

Oh, um... better.

Sort of damaged my voice a bit, but otherwise it's all good.

Mr. Fultz, care to tell us what's so interesting?

Uh... no.

I mean, we were just talking about the play.

Oh, you were talking about the play.

Yeah, you know.

And what exactly were you saying about the play?

What were we saying about the play?

Just... just classic stuff you'd say.

You know, it's a good, tight play.

Sweet. Pretty sweet.

Um... a lot of fun stuff happens in it.

"A good, tight play. Pretty sweet.

Lots of fun stuff happens in it."

Mr. Fultz, very insightful.

Should I write this down on the board or...?

I see what you're doing here.

You're trying to humiliate me in front of all of my friends.

You are humiliating yourself.

Oh, you know what?

I think you're putting a lot of mustard on it.

Maybe more than a teacher should be doing.

I think you made the hot dog.

Okay. Okay, you know what?

You caught me. I haven't read the play.

Show of hands. Show of hands.

Who hasn't read the play? Get 'em up.

You don't have to put your hands up.

Get 'em up. Get 'em up.

Oh, look.

Okay, that's everyone in the class, except for her.

Janet, you're a sweetheart.

Janet, what's your favourite part about the play?

I didn't read it.

Oh, Janet didn't read it!

Janet, come on.

Janet didn't read it!

At the very least you have to read the literature.

I don't know what to tell you.

Maybe you've got to look at this curriculum.

Mr. Fultz, I've had quite enough of your little show.

Oh,

I know. You want me out.

I'm gone.

I did see the Leonardo DiCaprio movie.

Out!

It was good.

Holy shit, Jesse, that was incredible.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah, you know, I've always wanted to stand up

to a teacher like that.

They don't have any real power, you know what I mean?

It's crazy.

Well, if it isn't the new class clown.

Oh, "ha, ha."

Is that what you are, Jesse?

Oh, my God. Are you a bully?

Am I about to get bullied?

Okay, I'm ready. I'm actually ready now.

Let's do it. Bully me.

You know, there's something different about you, you nerd.

You know, and it isn't just your weird, scruffy voice.

Well, uh, I do feel like

I've felt more confident since...

Is his mom alive, do you know?

Yeah, his mom's alive.

Since I fucked your mom, pal! Ayo!

My mom's a saint, you little shit!

I'm gonna fucking break your face.

Come here!

Holy crap, this body moves so good.

My nose!

It better not be broken for picture day, nerd.

You're gonna pay for this. You'll all pay, all of you.

You're gonna pay. You're definitely gonna pay!

All of you!

Right on, man!

Well, we're gonna skip next class and go drink at my place.

Wanna come?

Well, I'm technically working.

I mean, you know, going to school, doing schoolwork,

so I should keep doing that.

But you're only young once, right?

Or twice.

And if you get a second shot you shouldn't ruin it.

Don't worry about it. Let's go get lit!

Ow! Ugh, my back pain is back.

Okay, come on, Marito, put it in me.

I'm supposed to meet Taylor and Simone before school

so we can copy each other's homework,

like any of us did it.

Gary, are you any closer to finding the drug source?

You've been at this school for almost two weeks.

I know, I know. I'm close.

You know, I mean technically I haven't started looking yet,

but I'm getting the lay of the land and Taylor and Simone

are introducing me to, like, tonnes of cool teens.

I met Randal, and Stacy, and Chloe, who Taylor's got

a crazy crush on, which is making Simone so jealous.

Like, she's obviously in love with Taylor

but she won't admit it.

I don't even know if they'd make a good couple,

but they owe it to themselves to find out, I think.

Yeah, Gary...

Uh... Jesse.

No, I'm not gonna do that.

Gary, you are not there to hang out.

Just find the drugs, okay?

Okay, come on, Marito, make me young.

Yeah, here we go, Gar.

You guys stoked for that party tonight?

I know I am.

I'm so excited!

Yeah?

Hey, my dad's gonna hook us up with beer again.

Dude, that's unreal. Sweet!

Pretty epic, yeah.

This party is gonna be so much better than the last one.

Oh, yeah? What happened at the last one?

Curtis and his idiot friends crashed it.

Oh.

But we won't have to worry about that tonight.

Oh, no? Why not?

What? You didn't hear?

Curtis overdosed on D last night.

He's in a coma.

Why do you think all his dumb friends are crying and hugging.

Curtis...

Before picture day...

Oh, geez, I sort of thought this whole drug thing

had kind of dried up.

Jesse, you all right, man?

Oh, yeah, no, sorry. Yeah, no, I'm good.

I'm good. I was just...

What you guys were saying got me thinking about some stuff

I'm supposed to be doing.

But what's done is done.

You can't change the past, you know what I mean?

We're gonna have a fun party tonight.

Hell, yeah, we are.

How old was Curtis? Don't tell me.

I don't wanna know. I don't wanna know!

Go, go, go, go!

Taylor! This party rules, man.

Thanks, Jesse.

You know, I think I've figured out the secret to life.

If you just avoid the crap you don't want to do,

you can just keep having fun forever.

No one can stop you, you know what I'm saying?

You said it, man.

Hey, you guys want to crank this party up?

All right!

Yes!

Oh, uh, listen, if you guys are gonna try to do like

a threesome with me, I'm flattered, but you're 16 and...

I'm 16, too, obviously. I'm totally 16.

But for reasons that aren't about age difference,

I should bow out.

Come here, Charlie. Come here.

What the hell is that?

This is what made those drugs you overdosed on.

We found it in the woods a couple months ago.

Wait, you made those drugs?

I mean, no...

I mean... I knew that, because you gave them to me

because I'm Jesse, obviously.

Boy, that coma really did a number on the old memory, huh?

We're sorry you O.D.'d, Jesse.

But we told you not to do that much.

And, look, when we sell them to people,

we tell them how much to do... well, in most cases.

Unsettling.

Now, come on, man.

I feel like my duty here is to...

Ah, fuck it. Let's do it.

Teen friends forever!

♪ I love being a teen again!

♪ I love shirking responsibilities! ♪

♪ I love living the life that I ♪

♪ was always meant to lead! ♪

♪ I wanna oh, oh, oh! I wanna oh, oh, oh! ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh! ♪

♪ I wanna oh, oh, oh!

♪ Teen again!

♪ I love being a teen...!

Jesse! Jesse!

You okay, man?

Jesse, your face. It's, like, changing.

Oh, crap.

The drug must be messing with my shapeshifter serum.

What?

What. Oh.

Oh, nothing. Nothing, man.

Oh, I gotta go pee.

So I'm just gonna go real quick. Real quick.

Hey, hey, you're not going anywhere.

Taylor...

I know you.

No.

You're that demon hunter from the news.

No, no, I'm Jesse. I've just gotta pee.

Good lord, guys.

Am I the real Jesse? Technically no.

But the real Jesse was a turd... presumably.

I never met him, but the guy you had so much fun with

these past few weeks was me.

So how about I don't arrest you or tell anyone what I saw here,

and you keep quiet about my real identity and we'll just

keep hanging out and being teen friends forever.

No way, you old pervert.

I'm not a pervert!

I'm just an old man who found a way to experience the joys

of a young man's body.

Grab him, Taylor!

Oh, crap.

Guys, calm down. Please don't make me do this.

Why are you strong? You're old.

Guys, just promise you'll be cool and I'll let you go.

I just want to keep being young!

I'm gonna kill you.

I just wanna keep being young!

Well, think of it this way, Gary.

You saved a lot of teens from a lot of comas.

I had it, Leslie. The perfect life.

Well, you were living someone else's life, Gary, so...

Yeah, but I was living it better than he ever could.

You hear me, Jesse?

I was a better Jesse than you'll ever be.

Gary, take it easy.

You're lucky, you little bastard.

While you were napping,

I was making you the coolest kid in school.

You're probably going to go back and ruin it all,

you fucking waste.

Gary, Jesse actually lost about 95% of his brain capacity

and will never be the same person...

Marito, Marito, let's say hypothetically

I could get some teen D.N.A.

I know how that sounds, but stick with me, it's not gross.

Would you be willing to turn me into a teen for a bit...

Hell no, Gary.

For a bit. Just a for a bit.

No!

For a couple hours a week.

You're a grown man.

For a couple hours a week!

You can't be a teen!

Well, Leslie, do you have any other cases,

even an elementary school maybe?

An elementary school.

Oh, God, you gotta stop.

No, we're not going younger.

You need to stop.

Okay, you know what? Fuck that.

I'm injecting myself. Is this teen?

No, don't, don't! No!

Gary, that's rat D.N.A.!

Oh, shit, am I going rat?

That's rat D.N.A.!

Oh, prepare yourself! Oh, God!

Oh, my God!

Gary! It's a tail!

Oh...

It looks like a...

Oh. Aw, he's so cute!

You motherfuckers!

Oh, I love him.

He's so cute!

I'm gonna put him in my pocket.

You motherfuckers!