Original subtitles

Break up with him if you don't like him!

Hey, Michaela!

Oh, hey, Steve. Where's Michaela?

Miss. Teen Nightmare? Yeah, she's coming.

She threw a hissy fit downstairs.

Honestly, ever since she turned 14,

she's been like the queen of bitch city.

Cities don't have queens, Steve.

Yeah, no, they do, Diana was the queen of London

before she got killed by that Uber driver.

Shut-- Shut-- What??

Oh, hey, buddy!

Ready for another fun-filled weekend with your best pal,

me, F-uncle G?

F-uncle stands for fun uncle.

Dad, I don't need a babysitter!

I'm old enough to stay home by myself!

Oh, really?

Are you old enough to pay the mortgage too?

Yeah, no, I didn't think so!

Then I guess I'm in charge, and you're staying here.

A-ah! I hate you!

Good luck, bro.

Won't need luck, Steve, 'cause I've got a little thing

called relatability and a... and a fun loving attitude!

So, we're gonna be just fine!

Hey, Michaela?

I think you accidentally locked me out.

Michaela?

Hey, Michaela, really fun weekend so far.

Any excuse to enter the alley where they keep the garbage

is cool by me.

So, what are you up to?

You know I just wanted to say I get it.

Your dad's a drag.

I know it, you know it, we all know your mom knows it.

Eh?

This weekend we can do whatever you wanna do.

Hit up the go-karts, the arcade,

eat at that American Girl Doll Cafe

that makes me so uncomfortable--

Eat out that American girl--

Eat at! I said at!

Oh, my God, you are so weird.

I said eat at! I'm not-- Ugh.

You wanna do any of that stuff?

I mean that stuff's for babies, so no.

Wait all that stuff's for babies?

You literally loved all of that stuff like six months ago.

Six months ago is like ten percent of my life so far,

that's like seven years for you Uncle Gary.

Are you the same person you were seven years ago?

Not sure about that math, but okay, okay.

How about getting something to eat?

We could go get burgers!

I hate burgers. I want ice cream.

Okay! Ice cream it is.

To the mall!

When you're ready.

I'll just hit up the bathroom real quick

and then as soon as you're--

I'm ready, let's go.

Do that when I get to the mall!

Great choice on the creams, M-Dog.

And that photo booth was tight!

Look at these!

We could probably stand to retake these.

Or whatever. They're cool.

Ooh! Check it out, check it out!

You wanna ride the...

I wanna say... wanna say seahorse?

Plane?

Seaho-- Seahorse?

Is it a seahorse plane?

Must be a pretty cool game, huh?

What is it? A shooter?

RPG?

One of those indie games where you have to, like, see the world

through the eyes of your enemy, and the real lesson is empathy?

Oh, my God, why are you asking me so many questions?

You sound just like my dad.

Uh, hold the phone, sister. I am nothing like Steve.

Steve sucks! I'm fun Uncle Gary!

Okay, you know what?

We're doing something fun right now.

If you like games so much, I have got a demon connection

at this mall that will blow your fucking mind.

Welcome to the fun zone!

It's a toy store.

It's a toy store run by a trickster demon!

I busted him for trapping humans in his deadly games

a while back, and now he's my informant.

Bet your dad's never taken you somewhere fun like this!

To a toy store? Of course he has.

To a toy store with-- I just-- I just said!

Argh. Okay.

Galade! Oh, Galade!

His name's Galade.

Well, well...

if it isn't my old friend, Gary, and his charming companion.

Galade, did you turn yourself invisible, you old showboat?

I don't know... did I?

O-oh! There he is!

He's just hiding behind a thing. Isn't he tricky like I said?

Yeah, super tricky.

Hey, Galade, this is my niece, Michaela.

We were wondering if you had any "special" merchandise

you could show us?

No, no!

Wha-- um, when you arrested me remember you said that--

It's okay, Galade. This is a special occasion.

Well, in that case...

Marmalade, barmalade, har-malade, that's Galade!

How long would you say a regular top can spin for?

30 seconds? Tops?

Yeah, tops?

Well, behold.

Whoa-ho-ho!

Look at that thing go! Isn't that something, Michaela?

Yeah, yeah sure. Do you have a bathroom?

In the back. Jiggle the handle.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go--

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go--

Oh-h!

What was that like 90 seconds? Awesome.

Michaela's sure taking a while in the bathroom.

Mayhaps it's lady problems.

Galade, you're not human. You don't know.

So just, don't pretend, okay?

Yep, no, you're right.

Michaela? You okay?

No rush, but... Michaela?

Son of a-- Galade get your ass back here!

What's goin-- Oh.

Shit.

Are you making illegal board games again!?

Okay, so technically, yes. But only for personal use!

My niece got sucked in there, you cock!

How dangerous is this game?

Let's just say the stakes are, um, high?

They're high stakes.

Mother fucker!

Gary, if you kill me you can't get your niece back

and also please don't!

Get my niece out of that game!

I wish I could, Gary, but all who enter

must play their way out.

Care to join the game?

Do not do that trickster voice right now!

Sorry, sorry.

Just help me get my niece back before I beat your ass!

Yep, okay, loud and clear.

Fucking dumb mother fucker.

You're-- You're hurting my arm.

A labyrinth, Galade?

I should arrest you for being a hack.

Michaela! Oh, thank God.

You okay?

Of course I'm gonna follow you.

Oh, hi, Uncle Gary!

Isn't this place freaking awesome?

Oh, yeah.

But bit dangerous from what I understand,

so let's follow Galade to the nearest exit.

But I wanna keep playing!

The quickest path to pure success

lies yonder, yonder to the west.

We're gonna go this way because the magic butterfly

said it leads to a magic forest,

and can we just please, please, please

go to the magic forest, Uncle Gary?

I dunno.

That path looks pretty foreboding,

and I do not trust that butterfly.

Plus Galade said this other path's faster--

I love magic forests,

please can we go this way, it's gonna be so much fun!

Ugh... Okay, okay, but real quick!

Real quick and then we're out, okay?

Yes!

Wait, Gary, that path is way more dangerous

and you were right not to trust that butterfly!

The lady's spoken.

Sure but, like, you're the adult here--

Shut up, Galade!

Okay, must've missed "shit on Galade" day.

Okay, Galade, which of these doors leads to the magic forest?

Umm...

Yeah, I sorta designed this a while ago, so--

Oh, my God.

'Tis a path you seek?

Pose a question to the knockers twelve.

But be warned: One of us always tells true,

one of us always lies, one of us is cheeky,

one of us is horny, one of us will ask you questions,

and one of us does impressions pretty well,

and one of us hates himself and doesn't mind talkin' about it.

Plus five more of us!

Ugh. Okay.

Uh, which of you leads to the magic forest?

I'm the one who leads to the magical forest.

I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Stop. stop! Stop it!

Oh, this seems like a design flaw.

Let's just go through this one. He looks fun.

Nah, I dunno, I'm pretty sure that's the horny one.

Who me?

Maybe we should just take a bit more time

and sorta suss this out.

Uncle Gary-y, this is taking forever,

and I'm starting to get hungry.

I want a burger.

A burger now?

Okay, okay, if that's the one you want, huh?

All right.

No, Gary!

You've gotta think it through, man!

That's definitely the horny one!

A-ah!

Ow, my tailbone!

Oh fuck me, fuck me, man.

I'm gonna die in my own game!

Never should have come down here, cock!

Whoa, this place is so cool!

This is like a real dungeon.

Yeah, yeah, just don't touch anything ok--

O-oh! A button!

Michaela! What the hell?!

Aw, goddammit.

Nice one, Galade, walls that close in?

Real fuckin fresh, man, real fresh take.

All right, all right, there's gotta be a lever, or a key,

or a--

Hey, Uncle Gary, this mouse said he'll save us if I kiss him!

One sweet kiss is all I ask, in exchange for this, a noble task.

Yeah, let's focus on stopping these walls--

But he'll stop the walls! All we have to do is kiss him!

Michaela, I would suck his dick if I thought that it would

help us but I do not trust that mouse!

Ugh! You're worse than my dad!

Fine, kiss the fucking mouse!

Gary!

Shut up! It's complicated!

Ha-ha-ha! You fools!

Nope, it didn't work. Okay, fuck me.

Run, run, run, run, run, run!

Ha-ha-ha, come back!

Ah, hell, ah, hell!

We made it, Uncle Gary!

Yeah! All right!

Now please find a place to hide! Sword make me better!

Gary, now may I show you to the exit??

Holy shit, yes!

Michaela, while Uncle Gary battles this beast

could you follow Galade to the exit?

Aha-ha! Gimme a smooch!

Ah, Jesus Christ.

Michaela, I really need you to-- Ow!

What's your problem, man?

If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a mouse.

No! No one is kissing you anymore!

What is this game, Galade?

It's just a game.

Puzzles, danger, a lil' sex, you know--

I said it was for personal use!

Oh, shit!

Ow!

Michaela!?

Wow! Your sword rules, Uncle Gary!

Oh, wow. Yeah, right on!

You are now Queen of this land!

Aw, way to go, Michaela! Eat it, Steve!

Fun Uncle Gary forever!

Anyway, we should get going. It's getting late and--

I'm not going anywhere.

Ex-pardon me?

I'm the queen now, so I make the rules.

No more being controlled by my dad, or by Galade, or you--

Me? In what way?

We have literally done everything you wanted to today!

So? You know what?

I had my first kiss today and that means that I'm a grown-up.

No-- What?

Your first kiss doesn't make you a grown-up,

especially if your first kiss is with a fucking mouse!

That's what Terry at school said!

A mouse mon-- Oh, Terry at school.

Well, you know what? Fuck Terry, we're out of here.

Critters! Get him!

Hey, hey! What the fuck?

Michaela, get your fucking critters off me!

Oh, you are in so much trouble young lady!

No!

If you think I'm gonna stand for this,

you've got another thing coming!

No sire, please! I'll do anything you want!

Anything, I'll do-- I do it all.

Aw, fucking gross!

Not the squirrel!

And no more phone for the rest of the weekend.

Get us the fuck out of here, Galade.

Just this way.

Oh, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

You know Gary, I thought you handled that...

...pretty well, you know.

A- a- a big part of being a parent is knowing when to

lay down the law, and not try to- to be their friend.

Okay, you know what, Galade, I-- n-- Shut up, okay?

Don't think for a second that I have let you

off the hook.

This is you. And what the hell is that?

Oh, yeah. Uh, don't look at that.

You know what? Don't look in any of the uh...

don't look off the path, that'll be a good rule for us.

Michaela, eyes on the path. Good stuff, good stuff.