Original subtitles

I mean, I think my favourite type of skiing is cross-country.

Ugh, it's eight in the morning, Hanley.

Can we just...

Oh, Leslie! I've got some paperwork for you.

Oh, crud. I hate this stuff.

Damn you.

Ouch. Ouch.

What a horrifying little pantomime.

Oh, Gary, don't forget that we've got

those speaking engagements today.

Oh, no, no, Leslie. I forgot.

Please, can we not do that today?

Oh, come on! I'll be fun.

We're starting the day at an elementary school

talking to a bunch of cute little kids,

at the perfect age, where they just...

just love you no matter what.

Anyhoo, see you in the car.

What the hell was that?

You didn't hear?

Les finally left her husband after his...

Affairs.

And now her kids won't even talk to her.

It's amazing she's able to keep smiling.

No, psycho is what it is.

It's not healthy to act like everything's fine all the time

when it's not.

Oh, God.

Can you imagine being married to Leslie?

Imagine having sex with Leslie?

Come on, Gar.

Like, regularly?

Imagine that?

Oh, God, she's just giving thumbs up the whole time.

"Oh, great stuff.

Glad we... Glad we scheduled this sex.

Oh, well-done, sweetie. With the sex."

"Here's a report on how good the sex is."

Yeah, you're getting into it.

Give you that. Give you that.

Yeah. Yeah.

"I highlighted the parts about how good it is."

Yeah.

Now we're into the grime.

"Put your dick in my ass, you little bitch."

So we've got the elementary school,

then the old folks' home.

Oh, they'll love us.

I'm sure any company is nice when you're... alone.

And then it's off to the Rotary Club and City Hall.

This'll be fun.

You don't have to do this, you know.

Do what?

Pretend you're not miserable.

Miserable?

What on earth are you talking about?

Leslie, cut the crap.

I know about your husband and your kids.

Life has finally brought you to a place

that old Gary understands.

You're in the darkness now. Don't run from that.

Why don't we skip the school, go get drunk,

and then shit-talk the world together for a while?

How's that sound?

Gary, I appreciate the concern,

but I have my own ways of coping with things.

Not that I need to, even, because I'm just fine.

Whoops, we're here. This is already fun.

Hello!

Kids, this is Leslie and Gary from the Demon Ministry.

Say hi.

Hi!

Hey, kids. Who here's seen a demon before?

Start there. Sure.

Okay. You've seen one?

And what did it look like?

It had four legs and a policeman was riding it.

Oh, and it was beautiful.

Uh-huh. You maybe thinking of a horse?

Yeah. You're thinking of a horse.

So a demon is more like, if you saw one, you'd probably be dead,

you know?

You like monster stories?

So pretty much all of those are real, but fortunately,

I'm here to kill them.

Sometimes.

Obviously I can't be everywhere at once.

Any questions?

What's her job?

Oh, me?

Oh, well, I didn't expect to be asked any questions.

Aren't you a charmer?

Can I keep him?

I'm kidding.

So I'm the boss, which means I tell everyone what to do,

even Gary.

And if he doesn't do it, I say, "Bad, bad Gary."

Easy crowd. Wasn't that funny.

I guess you could say that I'm like the mom

and everyone else is my kids.

But fortunately at work there's no dad to swoop in

and take my kids away after having sex with his podiatrist.

Leslie...

So I get to keep my kids. And they talk to me.

Leslie.

They have to or I'll fire them.

I think that's a better way to run a family, huh?

Right, well, so this is my sword...

Oh, I remember when I was your age.

I couldn't wait to be a mommy.

Is that what you want?

Well, think long and hard about it before you dive in,

because one day your kids might say,

"Oh, actually, we love Daddy more."

And then you'll say, "But Daddy did a bad thing."

Leslie... And they'll say, "Hmm, yeah. Interesting point.

Oh, interesting point." Leslie...

"We don't care!"

And then where will you be?

Uh... alone?

You're a smart cookie!

I should kidnap you and make you my daughter.

Oh, here we go.

Um, you can't do...

Oh, I'll grab another one, too.

This'll replace the kids that don't talk to me...

Leslie. Leslie!

Give me those kids.

Okay, okay.

Good Lord.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I was just having fun.

Fun?

Leslie, you're depressed, and it's sneaking out in all these

horrifying little passive-aggressive ways.

Well, maybe being around kids is a bit hard for me right now.

But I'll get over it.

I've got a new motto: "Keep smiling till you're fine again."

That's your motto?

That is the mantra of a crazy person.

Your life sucks now! Just own up to it.

Oh, God, Gary.

You know what?

We should get to the old folks' home.

Screw the old folks' home.

Are you sad?

Well, yes, obviously.

Are you angry?

Sure, but if everyone went around being negative

like you every time something bad happened.

Forget everyone. Think about you!

Nobody else does.

Well, that's... that's true.

Here. Drink this.

Oh! Oh, it burns.

A little more.

Oh, worse the second...

Hell yeah. Worse every time.

Okay, take my sword.

Oh, no, Gary... This is silly now.

Come on. Access the rage.

No, we're not accessing. No.

Yes we are.

No, Gary.

Okay, you see that tree?

I want you to chop that tree and I want you to scream.

Oh, Gary...

No, this is Dr. Gary's orders. Go chop and scream.

Okay, okay.

Oh, perfect. That's exactly what I meant.

Like you mean it, Leslie.

Okay, all right!

Better. Scream.

Yeah!

Chopping, screaming.

That's it. Yeah!

Now how do you feel?

Still... still going? Okay.

That's okay.

As much as you need. Oh, all done.

Good. Oh, just...

Just going for the flask, huh?

We're just gonna be a couple more seconds here.

Goddammit!

Maybe a bit longer than that.

Oh, uh-oh. Uh-uh.

There she is.

How you feeling today, Les? You feeling better?

Yeah, I was done with that.

Oh, hey, Leslie, look who finally decided to show up.

Right.

Anyway, got some paperwork here for you.

Ha.

It looks like you accidentally...

I'll go make some more copies.

God, where'd that come from?

You just, like, pranked Hanley's soul.

You still keep that flask in your desk?

I mean, it's 10 A.M., but... hell, yeah.

Okay. New Leslie.

Day drinker. Let's rock and roll.

You know what?

It felt just so good to get some of that shit out yesterday.

Oh, yeah. For sure.

Yeah, you gotta get that out of your system

every once in a while.

Oh, hey, check this out.

Pretty cool, right?

It's demon venom.

I copped it from the armoury.

Sometimes when I'm feeling P.O.'d,

I just come out here and melt stuff.

It's not exactly following protocol, but...

This is Hanley's car, right?

Uh, yeah, I think so.

God, it's so sad. Exactly what you'd picture.

Sad.

Uh-oh. Look what I've done.

Uh...

You know what this would work great on?

My ex-husband's face.

Start with that fucking hair he's so proud of

and then just boil him down till he's teeth.

Oh, shit.

Um... well, if it's revenge you want,

I've got a pettier solution that's farm-fresh,

and guaranteed to make... to wet your...

It's eggs. Let's go egg his house!

Take that, Gordon.

Take that for all the years you took from me.

Yeah, Gordon!

Those were the best years of her life.

She's old now!

What the hell? Leslie?

Hey!

Oh, is this your new foot-licking whore, Gordon?

She's a podiatrist. She doesn't lick feet.

You don't lick feet, do you?

She doesn't lick feet. Don't be crude.

I'll show you fucking crude.

Oh, hey, Leslie, no! Not the demon venom.

Dana, call the police!

No, Leslie!

Hey, whoa.

Let's go for a ride, Gordon.

Leslie, stop! Please don't kidnap Gordon.

Leslie, listen, I think maybe you took my advice

to access your anger a bit too seriously.

For the first time in my life, Gary, I am tasting freedom,

and Leslie likes the taste.

You having fun back there, Gordon?

This isn't funny!

Now, Gary, honey, take the wheel for a second.

I'm just gonna try to melt some oncoming traffic.

Leslie...

Pull the car over!

Oh, the pigs. Hold on.

Leslie, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, shit.

Oh, mercy.

Nice and easy, ma'am.

Stand back.

One drop of this will melt my goddamn head off.

Oh, Jesus, Leslie.

I know you're upset, but come on!

This isn't you!

Oh, but it's you, isn't it, Gary?

This is the sort of stuff you do all the time.

Yeah, but... Wait a minute.

Was that what this is?

Some sort of test to teach me a lesson?

You selfish motherfucker!

I'm sorry. I was...

I'm having a nervous breakdown and you think it's about you?

No, you're right. It's about you.

Everything I worked so hard for is crumbling.

My kids hate me.

Gordon turned out to be a piece of shit.

Hey.

Leslie, sure, Gordon sucks. We all know that.

But think of everything else you've got.

Your novelty mugs. And you've got, uh...

I mean, you've got some really top-notch mugs.

Jesus Christ, Gary.

And, and, on top of those great mugs you've got

an entire office of people who care about you, including me.

Shut up. You... you hate me.

No, I don't.

I find you annoying sometimes, sure.

The way you're always focused on fucking mugs.

But I also honestly find you impressive.

The way you can strangle some ounce of hope

out of this otherwise shitty world.

You know, if anything,

I should be taking a page out of your book.

I definitely won't, but I should.

That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Come here. Bring it in.

Bring it in, you old battle-axe.

Aw.

Oh, that's so sweet. Okay, Dave.

Come on, man! The situation was diffused.

Nice work, Officers.

Wait, no. I'm the victim here.

Yeah, that's it. Good stuff, Dave.

Keep those volts flowing.