Original subtitles

[soft jingle]

The rose garden was a lot like

the situation I'm in with Patrick.

[Erica] Life, they say, can turn on a dime.

We spend days, weeks, months,

trudging through the darkness.

And suddenly, something shifts.

And we wake up to light and hope

and the promise of a better day.

It ruined our friendship

and my relationship with Brian went nowhere.

And if you could back?

I wouldn't sleep with Brian obviously.

Well, let's see how that works out.

Oh, thank you everyone.

As you were.

So.

You slept in.

You're still wearing the same clothes.

[laughs]

Yeah, oh yeah.

Just didn't have a chance to change.

Hmm.

I washed my hair this morning

and I don't think I got all the sand out.

[laughs]

-What do you-- -Should we--

Sorry, go ahead.

I was just gonna suggest that

after everything that went down,

[laughs]

we should probably just talk,

you know, about what happened and everything.

Definitely.

Well, I'm free right now

if you want to grab a bite.

You know, I can't right now.

But how about dinner?

Yeah.

Is everything okay back there?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's just, you know,

things are complicated right now so.

Oh, complicated how?

Let's just talk about it tonight, okay?

Yeah, yeah.

-Okay. -Okay.

-Bye. -Bye.

[soft music]

Adam.

Erica, what are you doing here?

-I-- -Adam.

Shower's all yours.

You can get a towel in the closet.

[soft music]

Who's that?

[soft music]

[Tom] Erica.

[soft music]

[Erica] Life, they say, can turn on a dime.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, yeah, everything's fine.

[soft music]

♪ It's clearer inside of me

♪ Who I will always be

♪ Open me up to my heart

♪ Feels like I'm singing the dark ♪

♪ Waking me up to my life

♪ To do it all over again and again ♪

♪ Back to the end

♪ Some of my dreams

♪ And everything I ever wanted to be ♪

Oh no, that does not work.

Okay, sparkling water, his request.

And as for caffeine, did you arrange things with Ivan?

Earth to Erica.

Sorry, what?

Okay, I should not have to remind you

that the future of this company rides on

us getting this book.

Right, right.

And Ivan, he is bringing in espresso and fresh pastry.

Pastry is French for carbs.

I bet he doesn't even look at carbs.

-Oh geez, no please-- -It's fine.

Ladies.

I present to you

Jay Manuel.

Hello, I'm Erica Strange.

Hey Erica, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

And this is my business partner, Julianne Giacomelli.

Enchanté.

Nice outfit.

Oh this?

Oh thank you, this is just

a little something I threw on this morning.

Ready to wear, that's me, so.

Okay.

Well, let's get down to business, shall we?

[soft music]

So I want this book to be an exposé

on the fashion industry, from top to bottom.

From who's the top to who's the bottom,

is what I think he means.

Well yes, there will be scandal.

Juicy stories that only I know

and only I can tell.

But I want it to be truthful too.

[Erica] Mm-hmm.

[ringing]

Do you want me to answer that?

No, I'm so sorry.

Tada, coffee and treats.

And no, you don't have to tip but

you do have to sign this.

[laughs]

Aww.

[Jay] You're a big, handsome man, yes?

I like to think so.

Then why do you dress like a potato?

All that extra fabric makes you look

bigger than you are and those cutoff shorts?

Honey, you put the bear in unbearable.

Book off the afternoon

for a fashion intervention.

Jay Manuel style.

Okay.

And you two.

With the phone calls.

The glazed look in your eyes.

And the Lady Gaga impersonation.

You really expect me to entrust

my words, my baby, to them?

No way.

Jay, don't make me say it.

Okay, I will.

New York Fashion Week, 1993.

If it wasn't for me, someone would still be

working the makeup counter

at the Scarborough Town Center.

You can only play that card once, Brent.

So play it wisely.

[Brent] Well, I'm playing it.

Okay, I'm still, I'm still confused.

This all goes back to Brent's modeling days.

He brought me to New York, I met Tyra--

So.

Brent, you, you really were a model?

Brent was Calvin Klein's Peter Pan, darling.

I was boyish and I was mysterious.

But--

Brent turned down the advances

of Calvin's favorite photographer.

Favorite male photographer.

I was blacklisted.

If only I didn't love the ladies as much as I do.

Your sexuality cost you your career.

Are there, are there any photos floating around?

Have you been holding out on them?

Brent isn't one to toot his own horn.

Heroin chic.

Brent's invention, not Kate Moss', FYI.

[Erica] Wow.

[soft music]

So you've completed your fifth week of radial therapy.

How's that been?

Well, other than being really tired

and the burn on my skin,

it's actually been okay.

I'm gonna suggest one more week of radiation.

Oh, all right.

Just as a safety measure.

After that, you see me once every six months

for three years and then annually for a checkup.

[sighs]

And other than that,

I suggest that you go out and celebrate.

Celebrate?

Results from your last imaging

show no signs of a tumor.

You are cancer free.

Really?

You're sure.

I can tell people?

Tell everyone.

[laughs]

Thank you, Doctor.

Thank you.

Yes yes, Tina, it's true.

The press release doesn't lie.

We are publishing Jay Manuel's tell all

and we are just ecstatic to be working with him, so.

Yes, of course we're still interested.

I thought you said Jim Watt

decided to go with Green Row.

What?

Reconsidered.

Uh-huh.

Great, great.

Okay, bye bye.

Tina Horowitz?

In light of recent events,

her client has reconsidered his decision

to go with Green Row.

Boom, we are back in business.

So why don't you look happy?

No, I am happy, I'm,

-I'm just-- -[ringing]

Where is my phone?

Oh, it's that cutie patootie, Adam.

-Should I-- -No, no.

[ringing]

Whoa, it's like that, huh?

Yeah, it's like that, he is a jerk.

And I have terrible taste in men.

Do you want to talk about it?

No no, I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to think about it.

I just want to go home and watch

mindless reality TV, but no.

My mother is insisting that I'm

coming over for dinner tonight.

Well, tell her you're not up for it.

Oh, I tried, but apparently Sam's new boyfriend is coming.

Oh, Stalin.

Lenin.

And I haven't met him yet and my mother

laid this major guilt trip on me so,

I'm gonna go over and meet Sam's wonderful new guy.

[groans]

Do I sound bitter?

Well, a little.

-[sighs] -Oh, chicken.

Oh.

Hey, if I ever see that Adam again,

I'm gonna punch him the nose,

and then I'm gonna knee him in the balls.

Okay?

Okay.

[soft music]

You know, to be honest, I was beginning

to think that you didn't exist.

I was starting to think Sam

didn't want you to meet me.

Okay, enough with the conspiracy theories.

It's not like you've introduced me to your new guy.

A new guy?

You have a new boyfriend?

No Dad, Sam doesn't know what she's talking about.

Well, I think dinner's nearly done, so.

Have a seat, Gary, it's fine.

The chicken needs another 10 minutes

and that's okay because I wanted to talk

to all of you before we eat.

Mom, is everything okay?

Actually, it's great.

It's really great.

I had an appointment with my oncologist today

and I am cancer free.

[Sam] Oh, Mom.

Oh, Mom.

Oh, Mom.

That's incredible.

Congrats, Barb.

Really, that's great.

Thank you, Lenin.

Gary, can I get you anything?

A Kleenex maybe?

Or a glass of wine.

A glass of wine would be great.

-Okay. -Here, Dad.

Because I'd like to make a toast.

Oh, okay.

They say you don't appreciate

what you have until it's gone.

Or until something threatens to take it away from you.

This woman, this incredible woman

gave me three beautiful children.

One of whom isn't with us anymore and

just the thought that I could

lose another member of my family--

[Barbara] Oh, Gary.

I lost you once, Barbara.

Through my own selfishness.

I'm not gonna lose you again.

To Barbara.

And to a brighter future.

To the future.

To the future.

To the future.

[soft music]

[knocking]

I don't want to talk to you.

I know.

But you don't know the whole story.

Oh what, you're here to convince me that

the one night stand that I barged in on,

it was a honest mistake?

It wasn't a one night stand,

so hear me out, please.

Okay, go ahead.

The woman today was Beatrice.

Beatrice, is that name supposed to mean something to me?

Beatrice is my wife.

At least she is in the reality Dr. Tom showed me.

Beatrice.

The woman that you were married to.

Had a child with.

[sighs]

So what, you went looking for her?

No.

It was an accident or fate.

I don't know how or why it happened,

but we met the other day when I was on the job,

at her house.

And you saw her and you recognized her and--

We started talking.

I asked her out.

I felt almost like I had to.

It was the same night that we ended up on the island

and I didn't tell you because,

well because we were fighting.

Then why did you kiss me?

I don't know.

You don't know.

I wasn't expecting this to happen, any of it.

And I wasn't lying, Erica.

I do feel something for you but--

But how can I possibly compete with your wife?

Even if she is from an alternate reality.

I'm sorry.

I am trying to hate you here

and you're making it really hard.

This is a messed up situation.

Yeah.

But what can I say?

I hate it but I get it.

[soft music]

I should probably go.

Yeah.

[soft music]

I really am sorry.

It's okay.

[soft music]

[ringing]

Hello?

Hello, Beatrice?

Adam, hey.

[Adam] Hey, how's it going?

Good, how are you?

Good, really good.

I'm actually just calling to see if you

wanted to get together.

When?

[Adam] Whenever, tonight?

Sure, I'd love to.

Great.

You want me to swing by and pick you up?

Or I could swing by your place.

[upbeat music]

♪ Let's go to the park awhile

♪ Bring your smile, your smile

♪ We could have a picnic too

♪ Just me and you, you and you

♪ Hold that pose, I must insist ♪

♪ One good shot will help remember this ♪

♪ Hmm hmm hmm

[knocking]

♪ Make it clear to one and all

♪ Hang our family portrait on the wall ♪

You okay?

Yeah, why?

You seem stressed.

Is it because I wanted to come over?

I don't know.

Maybe.

I'm not too sure actually.

Thanks.

Okay.

I'm gonna admit something.

Last night

was a first for me.

Meeting you.

Going to bed with you on our first date, I've,

I've never done that before.

Really.

Really.

And it's not like it was a bad thing.

It was just,

oh this is coming out wrong.

[clears throat]

I think you're great,

is what I'm trying to say.

And I feel a real connection with you.

And now I'm scaring you off, aren't I?

No, no.

Oh God.

No Beatrice, you're not, you're not scaring me off.

You promise?

Because if I am, then I'll just

absolutely stop being--

[soft music]

[Judith] It's his loss.

No, don't say that.

You know, I hate it when people say that

because it's not true.

It's my loss, all right?

He met someone else, I get it.

And you know, I don't think that

I made the wrong decision.

Erica, come on.

Judith, I'm being serious.

Look, this other woman, she's,

well I can't explain it but, you know,

she's the one that he's supposed to be with, so.

I thought I was supposed to be with Anthony.

But you are still with Anthony.

Barely.

Oh honey, look, you know.

Every marriage, it goes through rough patches, right?

I know but

I kissed another man.

What?

Who?

Will.

That's all we did but

I wanted to do more.

So, this whole concept of he's the one and soulmates,

life's a bit more complicated than that.

You're not still--

No, no.

-Okay. -I ended it.

Anyway, I'm the last person to be

giving relationship advice but

just don't sell yourself short, okay?

Wow, I seriously need a drink.

Oh hey Dave, can we--

Sorry, Erica.

Ivan's gone AWOL and Reggie called in sick.

What can I get you?

-Wine, red. -Yeah.

And lots of it.

Okay, cool.

Ooh, our engagement brunch.

Have you RSVP'ed?

Of course, I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Thanks.

-Well that's-- -I always thought that

pleated pants helped a boy with my figure.

How does extra fabric help anyone look slimmer?

[Erica] Ivan, you look incredible.

Yep.

I know, doesn't he?

Wave your hairy flag,

shout it out to the world and own who you are.

I am bear, hear me woof.

Woof!

[soft music]

What's going on, Adam?

I don't know.

Why did you do that?

Do what?

Flee.

I don't know, I just, I couldn't breathe.

I felt trapped and so I panicked.

And is that what you're feeling, Adam?

Panicked?

I'm feeling like I shouldn't be

talking about this in front of Erica.

Why not?

Because.

She's already had to deal with enough of my shit.

Oh.

Let's bring this conversation

back to what you're feeling.

You've spent the night with women before.

With Beatrice, in fact.

And you didn't feel panicked then.

This is different.

How?

I don't know, it's,

it's not a one night stand.

It's the beginning of a serious relationship.

That's making you freak out?

Maybe.

Honestly, I have no idea why I felt

like I was drowning back there.

I want this, I do.

You showed me what our life could

be like together, Dr. Tom.

And I want to be that guy.

The guy who can commit.

Well, changing a pattern of behavior,

it's difficult, Adam.

Yeah, I know.

Old habits are hard to break.

Because they bring us face to face

with the reason why we developed them

in the first place.

And so, why did I?

[Tom] Here.

What's this for?

This is to help you connect to what you're feeling.

To what needs to come out but can't.

So, I want you to take that racket and hit this

as hard as you can.

-Hit it. -Yeah.

And as you hit it, I want you to open your mouth

and say whatever you're feeling.

I'm feeling like this is stupid.

Good, well then hit it and say that.

This is stupid.

Again.

Harder.

I'm sorry, Dr. Tom, but this is stupid

and it's ridiculous.

And it's not helping.

-Adam-- -No.

All right.

Well, in that case we'll back it up then.

Let's, well, let's start at the beginning.

Don't give me your goddamn lies, Joyce.

Nothing happened, he's our neighbor.

You smile at him like a whore.

You would have him, wouldn't you?

If you weren't so fat and ugly.

Dad.

[groaning]

Don't know why I put up with this shit.

Adam.

-Are you okay? -I'm fine.

I'm fine, Ma.

Thanks, Mom.

You okay?

I am now, thanks to you.

I just don't know how you turned out so well.

-Ma. -It's true.

If your dad was half the man you are, Adam.

You just, you need to stop

letting him back in.

I just don't know what I'd do without you.

[ringing]

Hello?

Adam, what are you still doing home?

John.

Was I supposed to meet you?

Half an hour ago, at the bowling alley.

Bowling.

I might skip it tonight.

Oh come on, everyone's here.

-Right. -It's okay, Adam.

You go out if you need to.

I'll be okay.

I'll just watch a little TV, go to bed early.

All right.

I guess I can see you in 15.

All right, we'll wait for you.

Bye.

You won't be too late.

No.

And promise me, if Dad comes back home,

you'll call the bowling alley.

I will.

You sure you're okay?

If you want me to stay home--

No.

Go have fun.

Don't worry about me.

♪ I was looking out the window

♪ At that school across the street ♪

Oh my God, he's terrible.

[clears throat]

Come on, Adam, there's only five pins there.

[laughs]

Watch this.

Oh.

That's just brutal.

You wanna know my secret?

I imagine it's Dad down there.

Really focuses me, you know?

Yeah, you should've heard him tonight.

Accusing Mom of flirting with Mr. Clemens.

He's ridiculous.

So is she.

She knows it drives him mental

when he sees her talking to Clemens.

Blaming the victim there, aren't we, brother?

Come on.

Mom gets off on being the victim.

And you keep falling for it.

She does things that set Dad off

and you're always there to pick up the pieces.

Make her feel better.

Our dad beats the crap out of her, John.

I know, and that's wrong.

Yes, it's wrong.

Jesus Christ, what are you saying?

That Mom gets him mad on purpose?

I'm saying that she doesn't do anything

to get out of the situation.

She could leave him.

Hell, she could stand up to him.

But she won't.

[soft music]

[Adam] You sucked.

I had six strikes in a row.

Rachel was begging to go out with me.

Good.

I can go to bed now.

You drank a whole bottle of wine.

I drank a whole bottle of wine.

-Why? -What happened?

Nothing happened, except the two

worthless pieces of shit I've got for sons

abandoned me tonight.

Come on.

Don't touch me.

Don't tell me what I should do.

Who do you think you are?

-Ma-- -I make you dinner.

I make sure you're okay after you pick

another goddamn fight with your father.

I take your side.

I put my marriage in jeopardy for you.

And what do you do?

You know that's not how it went down tonight.

You said you weren't going to be late.

It's late.

Look, I'm sorry.

Why don't you just go upstairs

-and I'll finish up here? -Oh no.

Don't start being the good son now.

[shattering]

Put those dishes down.

-Ma. -Get out!

[John] Ma, stop, now stop it!

[clanging]

You're both selfish and useless

and you make me sick.

Please, Ma.

Enough.

Okay?

Come on.

[soft music]

Hey, hold up, can I give you this?

Oh.

Perfect timing.

Are you gonna hand me that?

So?

So?

You tell me, Dr. Tom.

Tell you what?

What I'm doing here.

This isn't a regret, this isn't anything.

[clanking]

You sure about that, are you?

Okay, let me rephrase that.

This isn't anything I don't already know.

So what's the point?

Because if it's come to terms with how

screwed up my parents were,

been there, done that.

So all those years of dysfunction.

You've come to terms with them.

Yeah.

As much as I can.

All right.

Well Adam, then you tell me.

What do you see going on here?

The same thing that happened my whole life.

My dad would attack, my mom would withdraw.

I'd come in and rescue her and then

she'd drink and dump her shit all over me.

So the same pattern.

Over and over again.

This is my parents' crap.

It's got nothing to do with me.

What?

Why do you look at me like that?

Nothing.

No, I'm just thinking.

About my parents?

No, the garbage actually.

You know, you put it out and some stranger

comes along and tosses it into the back of a truck

and takes it away.

But even though it's out of sight

and out of mind it never actually disappears, does it?

It just keeps building up.

[banging]

[soft music]

John?

What's going on, are you okay?

I'm sorry about earlier.

I had too much to drink and my mouth started running.

I'm a terrible mother.

Like you said.

It was the drinking.

When you left tonight, I tried to watch TV.

I was going to go to bed early but

I felt so lonely.

You know?

Ma.

[Judith] I'm just gonna sleep here tonight.

-Ma. -Okay?

I don't know what I'd do without you, Adam.

I'd be lost.

[soft music]

I didn't need to go back there.

Yes, Adam, you did.

I already knew my mom was messed up.

Well, we're talking about patterns.

And you can't break them unless you know

what they are and where they come from.

I know where they come from, okay?

So can I just go?

Why do you want to go?

Because.

I'm feeling it again like

I'm choking, like I'm drowning.

I need to escape.

And this is what you were feeling before.

With Beatrice, yes?

Look at me.

You went back there and you faced what happened.

And now, you have to face how it made you feel.

And that's how you break the pattern.

Okay?

Dr. Tom, I don't want to do,

I don't want to do this.

Just look around and tell us what you're feeling.

Just try it.

See if it helps you.

I feel angry with her.

What does the anger want to say?

Get away.

Good.

Don't ask me,

don't ask me to listen to you.

Don't guilt me out.

I'm not your friend.

I'm not your husband.

I'm your son.

Leave me alone.

Leave me alone.

Let

me

be

your son!

[soft music]

It's okay, Adam.

It's okay.

Every time she would tell me things,

come to me, telling me that her life was shit.

I didn't know what to do for her.

I couldn't help her.

I couldn't give her what she needed.

[soft music]

You were her child, Adam.

And you were being suffocated

by emotional needs that you couldn't meet.

But you survived.

And so, the fear that you'll drown

if you allow yourself to

emotionally connect with another person,

well, that's no longer serving you.

And you need to let that go.

[soft music]

[knocking]

[Barbara] Oh, hi.

For you.

Aww.

Gary, they're beautiful.

[sighs]

I should put these in water.

[Gary] Is everything okay?

I really appreciate these flowers, Gary.

But.

But I think we need to put a hold

on everything else.

Everything else meaning?

Us.

Barb.

I still love you.

Oh, Gary.

And it took me nearly losing you

to realize how much.

Gary, you know, when I was sick,

I was living in the moment and

now that I'm better,

I feel I need to take a step back and,

and just reevaluate.

Did you enjoy it?

It's not that simple.

Yes, it is.

Life is simple and short.

If something makes you happy,

you have to hold onto it because at any moment,

it could be taken away.

It's your choice.

You know how I feel.

Gary.

I did enjoy it.

A lot.

[soft music]

Where were you?

I was worried.

Couldn't sleep.

[soft music]

Have you been crying?

Yeah.

Why?

Adam, what's wrong?

Friedkin's chapters are lacking clarity.

Every time I try to rewrite him he gets all--

Oh whoa, whoa.

Oh no, you try to rewrite him?

Oh my God, Brent, that is, that is mistake numero uno.

You can't do that.

So what do I do?

Okay.

Thomas' mind is like a sieve, right?

So you have to remind him

that in an earlier draft of The Mystery of Tomorrow,

he, he put it a different way.

Oh, you are naughty.

Naughty, naughty, naughty.

Guilty, guilty as charged.

[giggles]

[clears throat]

Anywho.

That should be enough to

get through until Friedkin delivers his next chapter, so.

Yes it should, thank you.

Julianne.

Yes?

I know I've said this before,

and I know you didn't believe me or want to hear it.

But I'm really sorry.

I was awful.

Why?

I'm serious, Brent.

Why, was it because I gave Erica the sex scoop?

I mean, I bruised your ego

so you tried to ruin my whole career?

It wasn't just the sex scoop.

I was hurt, Julianne.

You really hurt me.

Let's just leave it at that.

What are you talking about?

I don't know what I could've done.

Can we please just drop it?

No, we can't.

I can't.

[soft music]

Thank you for your help.

[Julianne] Brent.

[soft music]

[knocking]

[soft music]

[Adam] Hi.

Hi.

Can I come in?

Yes, of course.

I was gonna call you to see if

you were doing okay but I just thought that

I'd give you some space to deal with

whatever, so, I hope that that was

the right thing to do.

I ended things with Beatrice.

You did.

[Adam] Yeah.

Why?

Because.

I may have been married to Beatrice in another life but

here and now, my feelings aren't for Beatrice.

They're for you.

Oh.

I avoided them.

I did everything I could to avoid them.

I even convinced myself I didn't have them.

Hoping that would make them go away but,

I know I haven't been exactly stand up in all of this.

But I,

I actually have never met a woman

I cared about more than you.

So I came here to tell you that and

to see if you'll have me.

♪ Chills you to the bone

♪ I will hold

♪ You tight

Come here.

♪ Can't go on

♪ I will give you a life

♪ When the pressure's on

♪ And your will is gone

♪ I will lend

♪ A hand

♪ No one seems to care

♪ About the frown you wear

♪ I will give a damn

What can I do to help you?

I don't know.

Not thinking straight right now.

I'm so happy but

I'm so tired.

I haven't slept in 48 hours.

Come with me.

Life, they say, can turn on a dime.

♪ And it's built on solid ground ♪

Lie down.

And in a world that constantly

shifts beneath our feet,

the only thing we can know for certain

is how we feel.

♪ Should never let you down

Erica.

Just close your eyes.

♪ I'll be by your side

♪ Holding you so tight

The love we have,

the fear we hide from,

the pain we push away.

Give it a voice and the rewards are peace of mind

and a peaceful heart.

♪ You will take my heart

[soft music]