Original subtitles

[Erica] You know that friend you have?

The girl who seems to have it all figured out.

Well, on the surface, I'm that girl.

And honestly, things have never been better.

I should be celebrating.

My new promotion, my new relationship, my new life.

But isn't it funny

how just when things are finally moving forward,

all you can think about is the one thing.

That one regret, that will always hold you back.

-Hey, congrats! -Thanks.

Yeah, I head, that's awesome.

River Rock's newest Junior Editor is in the house.

[Erica] Oh yeah!

So you can saw good bye to calluses and paper cuts

and say hello to a company laptop,

an expense account, and a modest raise.

[Erica] Wow.

Now, before we make this offish,

you've got to train your replacement.

Oh, you already found a replacement?

Hello, someone's gotta make my morning latte.

Oh, and that someone is the very enthusiastic Meeri Khan,

and she's right on time.

Good morning, boss!

-Hi Erica. -Hey Meeri.

I brought donuts.

Check the milk, make sure it's steamed to 180 degrees,

and only use organic espresso beans,

because believe it or not, Julianne knows the difference.

Righteous, organic only.

So, you must be very excited.

Yeah, it's a great step forward.

Step forward?

You are like this rising star.

Thank you, Meeri, that's very flattering,

but I think you're overstating things about 1000%.

Seriously, I mean you were me,

Julianne's new assistant, just a few months ago.

I mean, you must be over the moon.

Okay, milk's done, ready to pour.

-Can I try? -Sure.

Wow, you've done this before.

I dabble in latte art, on the side.

You know just because I'm Junior Editor

doesn't mean that I get a longer lunch.

Well today's different because we're celebrating.

Celebrating?

Yeah.

-Hey. -Hi!

Wow, this is kind of --

-Awkward? -Awkward!

Oh my God, we're such losers.

I'm sorry, I'm just not really sure

how I'm supposed to act right now.

Hey, we're just going for lunch.

We don't have to rush anything.

Yeah, of course.

But I was thinking if you don't have any plans tomorrow,

maybe we could drive up to Stratford and see a play.

Or not, if it's too fast, then I understand.

No it's fine, it's just tomorrow ...

What's wrong, Erica?

You okay?

Yeah I'm fine.

I'm sorry, I'm just a little out of it.

Don't worry about this weekend, okay?

It' probably a bit too soon.

You know what?

-I would love to. -What?

I would love to go with you tomorrow.

Let's go to Startford.

[upbeat music]

♪ It's clearer inside of me

♪ Who I will always be

♪ Open me up to my heart

♪ Feels like I'm singing the dark ♪

♪ Waking me up to my heart

♪ To do it all over

♪ Again and again

♪ Back to the end

♪ Some of my dreams

♪ And everything I ever wanted to be ♪

[upbeat music]

[alarm beeping]

I thought we could take the scenic route,

you know, head to St. Jacob's first then up to Stratford.

-Erica? -Yes.

What do you think?

I think that I'm ready to hit the road.

[cheering and laughing]

Erica?

Okay, what's going on with you?

Listen, I wasn't going to say anything,

but today's December 13th, and um --

Jesus, I can't believe I forgot.

I'm such an idiot.

Hey look it's fine, all right?

I thought that this is what I wanted to do, and --

Hey, we can go up to Stratford any time.

Today you should be with you family.

No, I don't want to be.

Why not?

Because it's always the same thing every year, you know?

I mean, we used to love going to my grandmother's farm,

but ever since Leo died, we only go up once a year.

It's kind of become our unofficial graveyard.

And when this time of year comes around,

I always wake up in the morning with this feeling

that I just want to crawl back into bed and cry

and just shut everything out.

It's always been that way.

Except for yesterday.

Why?

Because of you, and the promotion, and everything.

I mean my life, it's really wonderful right now.

And I just, I wanna feel that.

I wanna enjoy that, but it's like I can't you know?

And then you asked me to go to Stratford,

and I felt so guilt for feeling even a spark of happiness,

for even wanting to say yes to the weekend.

Get in.

What are you doing?

Taking you to see your family.

You know, Ethan, that's really sweet,

but you've gone through so much trouble.

Hey don't worry about me.

Erica, I don't know what it's like to lose a brother.

But there are a lot of different ways to remember a person.

You say you don't want it to be the same this year,

so don't let it be.

Make it different.

Come on.

It'll be fine.

[slow, introspective music]

[knocking on door]

[Barb] Erica!

[Gary] I thought you weren't coming.

Well I wasn't, but --

-Go sit. -Thanks.

Hi dad.

Hey Sam.

I'm glad you came.

Thank you.

Your mother said --

You know what Gary, she's here.

We don't need to talk about why.

Actually, I think that we do.

Yesterday I told mom

that I didn't want to come up this year.

I need to move on.

I just realized that the way that we do this,

it doesn't feel right anymore.

The fact that we don't talk about Leo, or what happened.

I mean, it's not healthy, it's not normal.

Well there is no normal, Erica.

Everyone deals with these things their own way.

Yeah but it seems to me, dad,

that we all deal with it the same way,

which is to say that, I mean, we don't deal with it.

Erica, please.

Mom, I know that you don't agree

and I didn't come up here to complicate things.

But I did have an idea

about how we might do things differently this year.

So I'm just gonna put it out there.

Rebuild the barn?

Why not?

It's something that we could all to together.

I mean at least we can start

clearing some of this stuff out of here.

Leo always like building things.

Remember the tree house?

And the time that he tried to build the trap door,

and it almost took out the entire floor.

[Sam] Maybe Erica's right.

Yeah, let's do this.

I mean we can rebuild the barn in Leo's memory.

We can make it big and beautiful

and make it like a memorial.

It's your mother's property.

It's really up to her.

If that's what you all feel we should do, then why not?

We can make two piles,

and do wood over there and we can do metal over here.

[Sam] Yeah, do that.

[Barb] Oh, oh, oh my God!

What is it?

That was your grandfather's.

He gave it to Leo.

I can't do this.

If this is moving on, I'm not interested.

-Mom -- -I can't.

Mom, mom?

Mom --

Mom!

Come on in, sit down.

-Leo? -Yeah.

Go ahead, tell me.

He was 21 when he died.

That weekend we were up at the farm, and things were tense.

He had dropped out of University again

and this time there was nothing

that was gonna make him go back.

He wanted to go traveling,

and they wanted him to finish his undergrad.

So he went to hang out in the barn.

I think he was going to smoke some weed and calm down.

And nobody knows exactly what happened,

but the police figure that he left the joint burning

then dozed off, and once the hay caught

it was probably just a matter of minutes

before the whole thing was on fire.

And where were you?

Upstairs, sleeping in the house.

We all were.

I remember waking up to the smell of smoke

and I looked out the window

and it was like the sky was on fire.

And we all ran outside you know, but it was too late.

If he hadn't fallen asleep, you know,

if he'd been able to get out ...

We hardly ever talk about Leo, but when we do,

it's always that.

You know, our collective failure.

How we couldn't reach him in time.

Honestly, I can't believe it's taken me this long to realize

how dysfunctional it is.

We never talk about his life.

About how great he was.

This year you tried to change that.

You know I wanted to do something

that would help us let go of it, just something positive.

But it didn't work, and frankly, you know I'm not surprised.

And why is that?

Because it's not easy to let go of something

you've carried for years.

I tried to go to Stratford with Ethan,

and I couldn't even make it to the car.

Erica, you and I,

we have arrived at a

juncture of sorts here.

You see, I know that this is the one regret

that you've been waiting for.

And that your regret is simply

that you did not wake up in time.

And that you were unable to go into that barn

and pull your brother out.

Unfortunately that is not what

this is about.

There are limits to this therapy,

and right now we're facing one of them.

Because no matter how deeply you regret it,

you are not allowed to go back and play God.

You are not permitted to bring back the dead.

I know.

Interfering with other people's lives is off limits.

I get it, I do.

Yeah, I know you know.

And I wish that there was something I could do

to help bring you the closure that you're looking for here.

Maybe there is.

You know, when I think about Leo now,

I just, I remember the last conversation that we had.

It just, it's like I go over it in my mind,

just how pointless it was, you know?

All the things that I would have said

if i would've know that that was gonna be the last time.

I don't know, I guess just --

You wish that you would have said goodbye.

Yeah.

Erica, listen I cannot send you back

to save your brother.

But a goodbye, that's something that could be arranged.

What would you tell him?

I would tell him that I loved him,

and that maybe if I could figure out a way to let him go,

I could help my family do the same.

And you will not try to save his life.

No, I won't.

I promise.

And so, we return.

[upbeat music]

Why are you taking that tone with us?

We are trying to help you.

Because you are not listening to me!

[Barb] Leo!

You just want what you want!

That's not true.

Yes, it is.

Look, I'm sick of it.

Sitting in a classroom being lectured at

is not the only way to learn.

I've been in this bubble my whole life,

and all I'm saying is that now

is the time for me to get out.

You don't make a decision like this without a plan.

Why not?

It's my life, I can do what I want.

And who knows where I'll be in five years.

I don't need to think about that right now.

Yes you do!

We're not going to bail you out this time.

Fine!

You want to make your own choices,

then you'll suffer the consequences.

Whatever!

Look, I know it's none of my business,

but I really think you should go after him right now,

'cause you wouldn't want --

Stay out of it, Erica!

-Leo? -What?

Hey.

You want some company?

I don't need a lecture from you too.

No, no lecture, I just,

I just wanna talk.

I mean there's something that I want to say to you.

It's really hard.

What?

Hey, remember that time that you built the tree house?

Look, no offense,

but mom and dad just yelled at me for an hour.

I'm in bad mood and I --

Leo --

I can't talk about the tree house right now, okay?

I just need to get out of here.

I am going out to the barn.

If mom and dad ask, tell them I went out for a walk.

["Elvis" by Supergarage]

What are you doing?

Look I know, listen,

I know that you don't want to talk right now,

but there's something really important that I have to say,

so please just listen to me?

Jesus.

Fine, what is it?

What do you need to say?

I know I've never told you this before,

but you've been an amazing brother.

The best.

Like even right now I know that you don't want to talk,

but you're listening to me anyway,

because you know that it's important to me.

And you've always been that way.

You are patient and good,

and strong.

Oh my God, this is so incredibly hard.

Erica, what's wrong?

Why are you crying?

I can't, I can't --

You can't what?

I can't do this, I can't do it.

Erica ...

Erica, Erica!

Erica, Erica come here!

Why'd you do that?

I didn't have a choice.

Really.

Okay, fine, I did have choice.

And you can think whatever you want,

because if I have to choose

between this therapy and my brother, I choose Leo.

You made a promise.

You made a commitment, Erica.

You sat right here in this office,

you sat in this office, you made a commitment to me

and then you --

This has nothing to do with you.

This has everything to do with me!

You have thrown away months of work that we've done here

and you have shown by your decision here today

that you have learned nothing.

That's not true.

[Dr. Tom] I don't want to hear it.

No this is different.

Get out.

What?

Go, get out of my office.

Get out!

Let go of me, you're hurting me!

Sorry.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

[upbeat music]

Erica, hey there stranger.

Get it, 'cause your last name's Stranger.

Anyway, what can I do for you.

How about a latte?

Start the day off right with [mumbles], okay?

Of course, right, a latte.

Coming right up.

Oh, I ah --

She waved at me.

Why would she do that?

Do you think she's working some kind of strategy?

Maybe, she never slums it over here in non-fiction.

She must be working an angle.

Meeri, go do some recon, go go.

Ah, you don't have to make yourself a latte,

unless you want to.

I could do it for you, whatever works.

This is for Julianne.

Go for it, Meeri, you're the pro.

Um, Erica, I was wondering if I could ask you something.

Yeah.

I have this novel that I've been working on.

Uh huh?

I was wondering if I could give it to someone

in your coverage department.

I know they're busy reading real works by real authors --

Meeri.

Oh, I apologize profusely

for that wildly inappropriate request,

and please just let me say congratulations

on that huge success, The Crowded Reality.

New York Times Best Seller, hello!

Honestly, what you've done as Managing Director of Fiction

I was so impressed, I was bordering on jealousy.

I've been meaning to head over to the fiction department

to tell you myself --

Managing Director?

I just had the best idea.

Lunch, sush, my office, my treat?

I would kill to pick your brain

about some of those marketing strategies

that you've come up with in the past, and --

Julianne, I just realized that I um,

have a meeting that I have to go to.

Oh, yes, you can keep the milk too, it's --

How does she pull in those numbers?

God, I've never wanted to be another person more

in my entire life.

This boy's extreme makeover starts with that sweater.

Sasha Fierce.

Hi mom it's me again.

Can you please call me?

Hi.

Can I help you?

I'm, I'm so sorry.

I'm just, I must be on the wrong floor, sorry.

[suspenseful music]

Oh my, sorry, I thought that um,

I thought my mother lived here.

Erica!

What's wrong?

Leo?

Leo?

What's wrong?

Mom?

Erica, what are you doing here?

So where are you coming from?

Erica, how did you get here?

I don't know, I walked.

From home?

Maybe she fell, maybe she had an accident.

Do you think we should call an ambulance?

Mom, just don't overreact, okay?

Do you know who I am?

Of course I know who you are, mom.

Look you guys, I'm fine.

Who's Samantha?

Samantha is my sister, she's a neurosurgeon,

and she's married to Josh.

Josh?

[Barb] What?

They broke up five years ago.

Sam and josh aren't together?

Oh thank God!

You need to see a doctor.

Why don't you just call Annie?

Who's Annie?

Erica, do you remember that I talked to you last night

and I said I was coming over here

to help mom with the plans?

The plans?

I'm an architect, remember?

Of course, yeah, I know, it's all coming back to me now.

Sam, Sam, can you come over?

No, I need you right now.

Your sister can't remember anything.

-Erica? -Yes.

Sorry, [laughing] sorry!

Stop staring, seriously.

You're really starting to worry me.

No, no, no Leo, I don't want to worry you.

Mom, mom, I don't need a doctor, okay?

I just, I kind of got wasted last night,

so I'm kinda hungover.

You got wasted?

Wait a minute, aren't you supposed to be at work?

Yes, no, you know what?

I don't want to talk about me right now, okay?

Let's talk about you.

What are you doing tonight?

Can we go for dinner?

No, I'm meeting my future in-laws for dinner tonight.

Oh right, I knew that.

No you didn't.

She's on her way, Gary's coming too.

Dad, what, dad's coming here?

Oh God, you're not still married, are you?

No, Erica, why don't you go and lie down

until Sam gets here?

Yeah, you know, that's probably a good idea.

Okay.

[Gary] She's awake.

Oh, how're you feeling, honey?

I'm, ah, I'm fine.

I mean, I uh ...

I actually haven't felt this good in a really long time.

Where's Leo?

He's having dinner with Annie's parents.

He's gonna call later to check in.

You know, I think that you guys

are blowing this out of proportion.

I know who I am, I know who you are.

What was the name of your stuffed platypus?

Shy.

Title of Dad's last book?

Um, the title of Dad's book?

I remember something about outer space.

And aliens.

It's her short-term memory that's been affected.

Oh my God, is she going to be okay?

You should take her into the hospital

and have her checked out,

[phone ringing]

[Erica] Oh you guys, honestly,

there is nothing wrong with me, I promise, okay?

Hello?

Oh hi, Annie.

What, wait, what?

Annie, what's wrong?

When?

Oh, are they sure it's Leo?

[Gary] What happened?

Car accident.

Leo, Leo [crying]

[Sam] Is he okay?

[disorienting music]

Why is this happening?

How is this all happening again?

Are you surprised?

Did you really think that you could get away with it?

There are consequences to breaking the rules.

In your case, this is the result.

So you're saying you did this all to teach me a lesson?

No.

Think of this like the universe's way of righting itself.

You changed something, Erica.

It needed to be changed back.

I had noting to do with it.

I made a mistake.

Yeah, it would seem that way.

Can I please go back?

I'm sorry that I broke my promise, I'm sorry.

I know, it's easy to be sorry, after the fact.

Things haven't turned out the way you wanted them to.

What was that you said to me?

That if you had to choose between Leo and therapy,

you would choose Leo?

Well, Leo's dead.

Again.

So what does that leave you with?

Therapy, I guess, but the thing is,

I'm not really interested anymore.

No, but Dr. Tom, I can understand that you're upset

and I screwed up, I just, I just got caught up in it.

I did, I just,

it was too hard for me.

Maybe I'm not, maybe I'm not ready.

You know, Erica,

you don't have to do a whole song and dance for me.

Look, I'll do whatever you want.

You want to go back, you want to do it again?

Yes!

Okay, well go ahead, you're the boss.

No.

Oh, come on.

It's pretty clear by this point

that you think you should be the one calling the shots.

So go ahead.

You go back.

I mean, honestly, I could care less.

Why are you taking that tone with us?

We are trying to help you!

Because you're not listening to me!

[Barb] Leo!

You just want what you want.

That's not true.

Yes, it is.

Leo?

What?

Hi.

I don't need a lecture from you too.

No lecture.

They don't get it.

They're trying to hold onto this idea

of what I'm supposed to become.

I know.

But they can't protect me forever.

No, no they can't.

They made their choices.

They've done it, it's my turn.

I'm not a kid anymore,

and there's a point at which they just have to let go.

It's hard.

I mean, I'm not saying that they're right,

'cause they're not.

I just wish, I wish they'd just listen for once.

Why don't you write them a letter?

You know, sometimes it helps to write things down.

'Cause right now they're just not seeing the big picture,

which is that they can't protect you from everything.

All I'm saying is you want to drop out and see the world,

things could be worse.

-Erica? -Yup!

[Barb] Can I talk to you a minute?

I'll be right there.

Thanks, sis.

No worries.

See you down there in a bit.

Bye.

[sentimental music]

I'm just saying, you could talk to him.

Tell him he's making a mistake.

Mom, I can't do that, you know?

I'm not sure it's true.

Of course it's true.

He just thinks he's a big shot, and he's still so young.

Leo, he's gonna do what he's gonna do,

and there comes a point where you just have to let him go.

[sighing]

[sad music]

[upbeat music]

Hey.

I found something.

This was my father's.

Oh my God!

Dear Mom and Dad, I wanted to write to explain myself.

I hate fighting with you guys,

and I need you to understand

that the reason I'm fighting so hard

is because I feel I'm stuck,

[Leo Voiceover] Like I'm treading water,

and I need to take a risk, and try something new.

It's easier to stay here in some ways,

where everything is familiar.

Then I think about how much more there could be for me

if I just took the chance.

I don't wanna look back 10 years from now

and regret that I didn't follow my heart.

Even though I don't know what I want to do with my life,

I don't think that matters.

I know the kind of person I want to be.

Unafraid of a challenge, and willing to face whatever comes.

I love you guys, Leo.

God, he was such a good kid.

An amazing brother.

Yeah.

He was never afraid of anything, right from the start.

If he was here right now, I wonder what he'd be doing?

Probably living on a boat somewhere in Asia.

[laughing]

Doing humanitarian work in Africa.

You know, I think that he would have

got a lot of the adventuring out of his system,

and that he would've settled down with a nice girl,

and work here, you know, close to his family.

Maybe he's an architect.

An architect?

He loved building things, like the tree house.

Oh, crazy tree house.

[laughing]

You know, he broke his neck falling out of that thing.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

And then my daddy bashed his hand

and he started bleeding insanely, everywhere

so we decided that it would be better

to hire a construction crew, yeah.

So we're gonna meet with him next week.

-That's great! -Yeah.

I mean it was really intense.

But just being with them and talking about Leo,

Ethan, it felt so good.

You know, all those memories

that we've been trying to ignore,

to finally share them with each other,

it was like, in a way,

he came alive, you know.

I have you to thank for that.

Because I don't think it would have happened this way

if you hadn't given me the push.

No, Erica, it's --

No really, look, I just, I always knew

that the way we dealt with Leo's death wasn't working, but

I was just, I was gonna ignore it.

So thank you for giving me that kick.

Well I owed you, you did the same for me with Claire.

Erica, I've spent all these years

trying not to notice how beautiful you are.

And these past few months, it's almost been impossible.

-It's like -- -It's like,

It's like what?

It's like I think of all these things

that I never say.

[Kim Taylor's "I Am You"]

♪ La di da di da da

♪ La di da di da da

♪ La da da

♪ All my senses awaken to the changes, yeah ♪

♪ And I feel alive inside my own skin ♪

♪ All my reasons tell me just how strange it is ♪

♪ Coming home to a place I've always been ♪

♪ And it's all for love

♪ And it's all for love

♪ Even though sometimes, I don't know who I am ♪

Hello, Erica.

Um, hi.

Where am I?

This is my office.

What's going on?

I know you and Dr. Tom have hit a bit of a snag.

Is he okay?

He's fine, he's taking a leave of absence.

A leave of absence?

I'm sorry, I just um --

Can I get you anything?

-Tea? -No, thank you.

So just to clarify, who are you?

I'm Nadia, your new therapist.

[upbeat music]