Original subtitles

[light upbeat music]

[Erica] Have you ever had a feeling that's like

an unwelcome guest?

It invades your mind and no matter how hard you deny,

misdirect or avoid it,

you just can't make it go away.

You tell yourself you can control it,

but the truth is, it's never that easy.

Deciding not to do something?

No problem.

But deciding not to feel something?

A whole other ball game.

-Erica, hey. -Ethan, hey.

I'm just running out, I'm gonna be late.

I'll walk you down.

Erica, you can't keep avoiding me like this.

I've just, uh you know, I've been really,

I've been really busy.

I texted you, I banged on the wall.

You're not getting rid of me that easily.

You know what, I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay, I swear.

I just, I don't wanna be late for the movie.

I'd love to go to a movie.

So, Jude, she really wants to see this sci-fi flick.

It's something about aliens bursting out of people.

I mean, I guess it makes sense, given that she's, you know.

Yeah, yeah, Erica.

The only sci-fi film that's ever really done it for me

is The Matrix, but, you know, it completely transcends

the genre of--

Erica, Erica, you haven't stopped talking

since we left the building.

We're gonna be there in a minute,

and we still haven't discussed what happened.

Because I don't wanna discuss it.

Don't you get that?

I mean, Ethan, it's embarrassing.

I said what I said, and you don't feel the same way

and that's fine, but I can't, I can't just move on

and stop feeling, you know, what I feel.

Is our friendship over?

No.

Of course not.

Then were gonna have to figure out a way to get past this.

Well, we're not figuring it out now,

'cause there they are.

[Ethan] Is that Katie?

Yeah, she's in town for a couple days,

covering the Giller Prize or something.

Hey y'all!

Erica, you look amazing.

Have you lost weight?

Thanks.

Uh, no.

Um, yeah, you too.

And, Ethan, hi.

The last time I saw you,

you were pretending to be Erica's boyfriend.

And I was pretending to be a huge bitch. [laughs]

Uh, how about you guys get popcorn?

We can save seats.

Uh, okay.

[Katie] So, you're a fourth grade teacher.

Wow, that is so awesome.

Mmm-hmm.

Why do they make the small so big?

My bladder's already getting crushed under this baby.

Have you lost weight?

I mean, what is that supposed to mean?

Maybe they'll let me get a child size,

since I am with child.

And then the way that she sucks up to Ethan?

Grade four?

That is so amazing!

I mean, she's probably in there pumping him for information.

So, what idiotic thing has Erica done lately?

Erica.

You two have been fighting this fight for years now.

Why can't you just let it go?

Oh whoa whoa, me let it go?

She wrote in her column that I peaked in high school.

She wrote about a fictional woman.

Named Merica Grange.

A 32-year-old assistant who, you know,

brings a fake boyfriend to her reunion.

Erica, she writes about everybody in her column.

That's kind of her job.

Okay, and what part of Merica Grange are you?

Oh, would you just stop it already?

You know, my back is killing me,

and in three weeks I'm gonna suffer through

the worst pain of my life just so I can push something

the size of a football out of my vagina.

Yeah, let me get a double combo with double butter, please.

[Erica] And a diet Coke.

Mmm-hmm.

You know, today I just wanna I wanna eat popcorn,

and watch aliens take over the planet,

and just have fun with my friends

before my life changes forever.

Okay?

Mmm.

And in the column?

I was Lisa Coles, the pregnant woman

that's terrified of kids.

Okay, I'm gonna go first.

Thank you.

Just make sure you move when I have to go to the bathroom.

Okay.

Well, I go to the Giller's,

and then I usually take some time off

and go to the Caribbean, do some writing in a cabana.

It sounds amazing, the life of a writer.

Mind if I ask?

Where do you come up with all your material?

Oh, well, that's the hard part.

Sometimes I really search until I hit on that right story.

You know, whatever I think people are gonna connect with.

I won't lie, it can be a slog sometimes.

Wow, that sounds really tough.

Well, enough about me, how are you guys doing?

Are you still just best friends or friends with benefits?

So, the Giller's, is that the TV prize or--

Well, I know it's none of my business, Erica,

but I just thought you should know that that night

at the reunion, I was actually really happy for you.

I thought, finally, these two are a couple because--

Sorry, excuse me, I need to get--

You guys just make the absolutely cutest couple ever.

Why is everything in my life a joke to you?

What are you talking about?

Guys, can we not do this now?

I mean really.

I was just teasing.

God, you're so sensitive.

Oh, no, no-no-no,

don't make it seem like it is my problem.

Erica, can you at least move over so I can get up, please?

You just can't leave me alone, right?

You can't stop rubbing it in.

Maybe other people don't see through you, but I do, Katie.

Oh, God, bathroom.

Bladder.

Now!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Ah!

[water dripping]

-[woman screaming] -[chainsaw revving]

Nice one.

Let the pregnant girl pee herself.

[dramatic music]

♪ Ba da ba ba

♪ Ba da ba ba

♪ It's clearer inside of me

♪ Who I will always be

♪ Open me up to my heart

♪ Feels like I'm seeing in the dark ♪

♪ Waking me up to my heart

♪ To do it all over again and again ♪

♪ Until the end

♪ The sum of my dreams

♪ And everything I ever wanted to be ♪

These are comfy.

Thank you.

Oh, Judith, I'm so sorry.

[Judith] Don't worry about it.

Just tell me what's been goin' on?

I don't know, it's like every time I'm around Katie,

I become this different person.

Just seeing her, I get this tight feeling

in my chest and I'm so angry.

What is wrong with me?

Why can't I decide just not to care?

It's funny watching you guys rip each other

apart like that.

I was thinking about the day that Katie introduced us.

[chuckling]

You know, Katie's the reason that we're friends.

I know.

Katie and I, we used to spend every second together.

She's the only friend that I've had

since I was five-years-old.

See?

There's history there.

And now look at us.

I can't even be in the same room with her

for less than a minute without wanting to rip her head off.

So, what happened?

I mean, what's changed?

I wish I knew.

Can I borrow your phone?

Why?

[phone ringing]

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, Katie.

Can you believe what a psycho Erica was?

I thought she was gonna rip my head off, literally.

Actually, it's me, Katie, it's Erica.

Oh.

Look, I didn't call to fight.

I did, I did call to well,

to talk about what a psycho I was.

Look, I'm only in town for a few days,

so, really, don't worry about it.

No, but I do worry because, you know, that was--

Awful?

Yeah, it was awful.

And maybe that's all there is to say about it,

but don't you think that we should give it another try?

I mean, we either try, or we really have to cut our losses

and I don't think I'm ready to do that.

Katie?

I'm still here.

If you want, tomorrow, do you wanna go for lunch

and we can talk?

My treat.

I'm at River Rock, it's on--

I know where you are.

I'll see you at noon.

Okay, great.

I'll see you then.

It'll either work out, or it won't.

But you're giving it another shot.

Mmm-hmm.

-[phone ringing] -[light playful music]

[Brent] Gun fight?

Pardon?

Something going down at high noon?

Oh, no, I'm just, just going for lunch.

Star-spotting.

Don't look now, but look who just walked in.

Oh!

Hey!

Katie!

Hi.

You know Katie Atkins?

Yeah.

Katie.

Katie, this is Brent.

Brent, Katie.

Pleasure to meet you, Brent.

Pleasure is mine.

Oh my God, you have to sign your column.

You know, we should really go.

Is that Katie Atkins?

Oh, Katie, this is, this is my boss, Julianne.

I am a huge, huge fan.

Really?

Oh, thank you.

You know, we should really go, I only have an hour.

Katie, I love your column.

Your writing style really reminds me a lot

of River Rock's bestseller.

Oh, Katie and I, we talk all the time about

The Secret of Now.

It's a profound book.

I'm taking you to lunch.

I wanna talk to you about my latest brainwave.

It's called The None.

I think you're gonna love it.

Oh, I would love to, but I already promised Erica

I would go to lunch with her.

Oh, you can't re-schedge?

Erica is one of my oldest friends,

and this is my last day in town,

but it was great meeting you.

Shall we?

Mmm-hmm.

[Katie] Oh.

-Thank you. -[Katie chuckling]

What was it, our favorite drink?

Vodka and orange juice?

Mmm, I think it was vodka and tang. [chuckles]

Crazy.

Crazy.

Do you remember the dance?

I could've died that night if it wasn't for you.

Oh, God, that was such a long time ago.

You had my back.

And I had yours, too.

Kinda like with your boss just now.

Thank you for that.

Listen, Katie, about yesterday.

You hit a nerve and I just, I overreacted.

You think?

[chuckles] Anyway, I'm sorry.

Me too.

Okay.

So, why's Ethan a nerve?

Uh, well it's not so much just Ethan.

I think that it's my love life in general.

-Mmm. -Yeah.

Jenny mentioned something about a big break-up.

With Ryan.

Um, I ended it.

You did?

What was wrong with him?

Nothing.

It felt like there was, there was something missing.

Uh-oh, holding out for the perfect guy?

It's risky.

You could end up alone.

My feeling is, everything is a compromise.

You sound like Julianne.

It's the premise of this book that

she's trying to do, The None.

The point is, is that there really is no The One.

Oh my God, I should totally write it!

And you can pitch my life story as the hook.

No, but seriously.

It is kind of true.

I mean, there is no The One.

No guy is perfect, so, why be picky?

Why not settle for what's in front of you?

Forget Mr. Right, give Mr. Right Here a chance.

Nice one.

Very witty.

Maybe you should write this book.

Oh, thanks, but that's not really my thing.

I'm more of a fiction gal.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that's cool.

To each their own, right?

-Absolutely. -[glasses clinking]

[laughing]

I'm glad we did this.

Yeah, me too.

You know, this might sound weird,

but do you have dinner plans?

Uh, no, why?

Well, I thought, you know, I have a late flight,

so if you wanted, me, you and Judith could--

That's a great idea.

Let's do it at my place and we can order in, get some wine.

Okay, yeah.

I just need a minute of your time.

60 seconds, I promise.

Okay. [chuckles]

Erica, two lattes please.

Yeah, coming right up.

[Katie] So, none of them is The One,

which means anyone could be the one.

Katie Atkins writes The None.

My idea, her brand, bestseller.

What's the tagline?

In a word?

Forget Mr. Right.

Give Mr. Right Here a chance.

I heart it.

Take a woman over 30,

series of failed relationships, ambitious,

but still struggling with her career.

The time's running out, tick tock.

She meets a perfect guy,

but because she bought into some Hollywood ideal of romance,

she decides he's not the perfect guy.

Tragic.

We frame it as a conversation.

Two gal-pals having a glass of wine at lunch.

One's married, one's single.

-[phone ringing] -I'm excited, Atkins.

It's real, real, real.

Let's swap cards.

Okay.

And I'm gonna call you tomorrow latest.

-Yes. -Bye.

[Both] Muah, muah.

Ooh, exciting.

Oh my God, I think she liked my take.

Your take?

-Really? -And sorry about the latte.

That was kind of weird for me too.

Even though I know it's your job.

Katie, those were my words you pitched.

I know.

You have great instincts.

And your life story makes a great hook.

Thank you.

I have always wanted to write a book.

Yeah, I know the feeling.

You're still gonna do your fiction thing, right?

One day!

One day! [laughs]

Okay, well, I'm gonna call my agent.

We're still on for dinner, right?

You bet.

You're the best.

Ciao!

Hi, Lesley?

It's Katie.

I just had the most incredible meeting.

Erica, my office.

Pure genius, pitching Katie The None.

Close the door.

And I have a pretty top-notch idea myself.

Junior Editor.

-Who? -You.

Me?

Yes, this is your chance, Erica.

You get to edit for credit.

Ah, I don't know what to say.

Oh, well, how about thank you, Julianne?

Ooh, I have that, that bestselling,

prize-winning, movie-dealing feeling.

You don't have that feeling?

I don't know that Katie Atkins is

the right person for the book.

I mean, trade Mr. Right for Mr. Right Here?

That's, I fed her that line during lunch.

I mean, she's basically, she's writing my story.

It's the story of my life.

I think she's writing a lot of people's life stories.

But she doesn't understand it 'cause she's never lived it.

Well, then who do you think should write it?

Who, you?

That's, ugh.

Ooh.

[clearing throat]

Hello, Brent?

Yeah.

Do you happen to have an extra reality check laying around?

Yeah.

Look, I know this must be hard for you,

staring down 40, the way you are.

Excuse me?

And you finally want to make something of your life,

but you spent your 20's playing

while Katie worked her ass off.

And there's a cost, Erica.

And for those who work,

and are focused and talented, a reward.

Junior Editor, my final offer.

I will not edit a single word that woman writes.

Wow.

Is it me, or did you just commit career suicide?

Fine, if not Junior Editor, then how about file fetcher?

All the manuscripts from last year, five minutes ago.

Go.

Yes, hello.

Hi, Les.

I just met the most fabulous client of yours.

Oh, she did, did she?

Congratulations.

Junior Editor.

-Wow. -I hate her!

Hate!

I can't believe that she is gonna write about me

and get paid for it?

It was your idea.

I was joking!

"A man has two reasons for doing anything.

"A good reason and the real reason."

J.P. Morgan.

So what's really eating you, my friend?

Katie.

That self-involved, overpaid, anecdote-sucking vampire.

[whistling]

Okay, look, I know that that's not the answer

that you're looking for, but honestly, Dr. Tom,

all I know is how I feel when I'm around her.

Uh-huh.

And how is that?

Defensive and irrational.

I feel worthless.

All right then, why don't you tell me about this one?

Casa Loma.

That's where Katie and I worked in high school.

-Giving tours? -Yeah.

It's where I met Judith.

Katie knew her from math class and she got her

a job and Katie got fired.

And the regret was that, well, it wasn't entirely her fault.

My parents, they were going outlet shopping in Buffalo.

So, the idea was to have a Halloween party at my place.

But, my parents, they found out

and they canceled their plans.

So the Halloween party, it was a no-go.

And I was really bummed out until Katie had this brainstorm.

Have the party at Casa Loma, after hours.

Our boss, he was this really weird older guy.

What the hell was his name?

I don't know, but anyways, he loved me.

He gave me the keys to lock up after work

and we used those to get in.

[upbeat techno dance music]

It was a really great party until Katie,

she took off with some guy upstairs

to hook up and the cops saw the lights on.

[sirens wailing]

The next day, Katie was fired on the spot.

He blamed her for everything.

And she didn't sell me out even though she could've,

and I never stood up and took my share of the blame,

which I should've.

And our friendship, it's just never been the same since.

And sometimes I wonder if I would've opened my mouth

and defended Katie, maybe things would be different today.

I don't know.

Who knows, right?

But the truth is, is that I had her back for years.

You know, and I make one mistake and she spends

the next 15 years getting back at me.

I just, I don't understand why she hates me so much.

And what you would do differently?

[sighing]

I guess I wouldn't have the party at Casa Loma.

Then Katie never would've got caught,

never would've gotten fired,

and maybe things would be different?

-[bottles shattering] -[gasping]

Oh.

[giggling sheepishly]

[Mother] Sneaking a case of beer?

What were you thinking?

You know, I mean, I apologize.

Well, apologies just aren't gonna cut it.

If we can't trust you to act mature

when we leave you alone, Erica.

Then we're gonna have to cancel our trip to Buffalo.

Oh!

Which means no Tommy Hilfiger jeans for you.

And no Coach outlet purse for me.

And let me be clear.

There will be no party.

Great.

Guess I'll just stay home and hand out candy.

My Halloween costume that took, like,

Katie and me weeks to pull together.

Decision made.

You're spending Halloween at home.

I mean, can I at least invite some friends over?

Fine.

But girlfriends only.

All right, I'm outta here.

Need a lift to work?

Yeah, that'd be great.

Just let me get into my styling Casa Loma uniform

and I'll see you outside, okay?

-Okay. -Okay.

Yeah.

Erica.

This is Judith.

Hey, it's nice to meet you.

You look kind of familiar.

Do we know each other?

Uh, I don't think so.

So it's my first day, I'm kinda nervous.

Couldn't take it at the Gap, huh?

How did you know I worked at the Gap?

Uh, Katie, Katie mentioned it, yeah.

Bet you hated all those early morning pep rallies.

Oh, hate isn't really a strong enough word.

Judith's coming to the party.

Oh my God, actually, the party's off.

My parents, they totally found out about it.

What? How?

Shift schedules, girls.

Thanks.

I was told that last week you saw fit to take

your lunch at Sir Henry's table.

It was too cold to eat in the lounge.

Miss Atkins, working in this building is a sacred trust.

One that I am not convinced you take seriously.

On the agenda today, a warm welcome to

our newest foot soldier, Miss Winter.

Erica will be showing you around our castle on the hill.

Oh, okay, great.

I thought that Katie was gonna be training me.

Yes, in light of Miss Atkins' recent lapses in judgment,

she will spend the day polishing knobs.

Have no fear, Erica is far and away our best guide.

Mmm.

M'lady.

Um, I think I've mentioned that I study

the sport of jousting?

I vaguely remember that.

Yes, well, we have a wee tourney tonight,

and I was wondering if you would be so kind

as to pledge me your colors?

My colors?

[chuckling sheepishly]

The tournament is unfortunately in Hamilton,

so I won't be able to invite you,

unless you're planning a trip to Hamilton by any chance?

Oh, sorry, it's Halloween, so.

I'm dressing up as a sexy bunny rabbit.

[clears throat]

It's a pity.

Could you do me the favor then of locking up tonight?

Ah, I have to slip out early to catch my chariot. [chuckles]

Ye old greyhound.

Um, you can count on me.

-Good luck. -[laughing]

Katie, he totally heard you.

And?

Oh, come on, you gotta admit, that guy's a bit weird.

Oh, come on, he's sweet.

Besides, he's just a kid.

What?

-He's like 25. -[laughing]

Oh, I mean, totally.

Anyway, so, welcome to Casa Loma.

Why don't I show you around and, Katie,

we'll see you at lunch.

Cool.

-Bye, thanks. -Bye guys.

You're gonna love it upstairs.

Okay, right this way, folks.

So, Sir Henry commissioned the castle in,

I think it was 1915.

Maybe it was, no, it was before the war,

so let's say 1912.

It says 1911 in the pamphlet.

Bingo! 1911.

I'm just testing out our new trainee here.

Nice work, Judith.

So, oh!

Check this out.

[buzzer buzzing]

Ta-dah!

Secret passageway.

Cool.

[Erica] Feel free to take pictures.

Hey, you guys.

I'm having a brainstorm.

You have the keys.

We have the party here.

That would be so dope.

Ooh, no, not dope.

Look, he gave me the keys to lock up, you guys,

not trash the place.

Oh, please, come on.

We could tell everybody they have to be really careful.

And we already told Zach's crew

and he's really excited about it.

Okay, well, Zach gets excited if the wind blows.

But you guys, I'm all about the party

until we get caught and then Addison fires us.

I mean, it's just, it's too dangerous, so.

I got an idea.

Why don't we go to my place

and we can watch really scary movies

and we can hand out candy to kids.

Oh, that's not really my speed.

You know, I'm not really--

Terrified of children, I know,

but great way to get over it, huh?

Seriously, you guys, it'll be fun.

Great.

Fun.

One cannot believe that thine younger sister Samantha

has cooler plans than we do.

Le lame.

Jenny.

Are we truly gonna spend the whole night

hanging with Mama et Papa?

Damn, I went back too far.

Dad, don't keep rewinding it.

It's no longer scary.

I have a flask of vodka within mine purse.

[Barb] Shh, girls, you're missing it.

[doorbell ringing]

Dad, okay, seriously.

Don't, give me it.

Give it.

Trick or treat.

You have got to be kidding me.

Erica, I said girls only!

What is he doing here?

I thought that...

Hey, Zach.

'Sup?

Hey, Erica, wicked costume.

Thanks.

We're just chillin', watching some movies.

You should stay.

Well, you guys know River Phoenix died?

[Both] Yeah.

River who?

He's our generation's James Dean.

Yeah.

We're going to a candlelight vigil at High Park,

so, if you guys wanna come with, pay your respects?

The Miata's out front.

Oh, you know, we'd love to,

but we're on candy detail, so.

No problemo.

Cool, is that a cell phone?

Yeah.

My dad got it for me.

[phone beeping]

So, let me give you my digits.

[Erica] Hey.

Just give me a what's up when you get off duty.

-[lips popping] -Word?

Word.

I should really get going.

I'll come with you.

No-no-no, you guys, you guys,

my parents, they go to bed really early.

So, we can make popcorn and watch Interview With a Vampire.

That's a book.

And that's my cue to leave.

I am so sorry, Erica, but this is tres pathetique.

Plus, I loved River Phoenix.

Shalom, cherie.

Muah!

Zach!

Mmm?

You know what?

Why don't we break open the Ouija board?

[Erica gasping]

You and Katie loved playing that when you were little.

Yeah, mom, when they were seven.

Erica, what are you supposed to be?

Madonna.

Like a Virgin?

Not likely to remain a virgin if

she goes out like that tonight.

And I'm off to bed.

I don't think Erica has plans of going anywhere tonight.

What?

Not going out on Halloween?

That's crazy talk.

No, I mean, why would we go out when there's so many

fun things do here?

We could play, like, Charades or Risk.

We could Vogue.

Or we could party at Casa Loma.

Erica has the keys.

Sh-wing!

Why didn't you say so before?

It's okay with us if you wanna hang

with your mom and dad, Erica.

We understand.

No judgment here.

[sighing]

-I'll drive. -Shotgun.

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

Aren't you guys forgetting,

you know, one small thing?

Hmm?

Hmm?

Come on, Erica, it'll be fine.

Please?

You guys, this is not gonna end well.

Come on, you're with your big brother, huh?

Fine.

My keys, my rules.

-[upbeat music] -[screaming]

Shh!

You guys!

You guys, seriously!

If we're gonna do this, we need to be on guard, okay?

Look, everybody stay away from the windows

and nobody goes outside or upstairs, and no candles.

That means you, Katie.

Why are you singling me out?

I just am.

Let's get this party started.

Ugh.

♪ It's in the street

♪ So keep it ready

♪ Get your funky feet

I forgot how much I love this song!

Me too, totally.

[speaking in foreign language] Wicked.

Hey, off with your head, lady, for bailing on us tonight.

Hey, who's the best host in the world?

Erica Strange.

I was the one who suggested Casa Loma.

Hi, little bunny.

Uh, Leo?

Gross.

If loving my sisters friends is wrong,

I don't wannna be right.

[laughing]

Oh, God, there's Zach.

You guys, let's go over here.

Erica, you have wanted Zach forever,

and this is your chance.

So, va, before someone else snaps him up.

I'm just, I'm really, I'm not in the mood right now.

Erica, Erica, listen.

If you don't dance with Zach,

then he might find someone else

[speaking in foreign language]

and your chances with him are poof!

[speaking in foreign language]

I'll dance with him if you want.

As a friend, of course.

No, no-no-no-no-no.

I gotta think, you know, the long-term.

I mean Jenny's right.

If I don't dance with him now,

then I can screw up my future.

Future chances with Zach.

Oh, wouldn't want that!

Ha ha!

Woo!

-Hey. -Hey.

Erica, awesome party.

Thanks.

Hey, hey, check it out.

I brought my latest mixed tape.

First song in there, dude.

Hit it.

Wanna dance?

Oh, ho-ho-ho, yeah!

Woo!

-[upbeat rap music] -[crowd cheering]

♪ Pit slap

♪ How you passed out your chin strap ♪

♪ Feelin' electrical, symmetrical, spectacle ♪

♪ Dominate your mind that makes you call the paramedicals ♪

♪ The rap recirocal 'cause we were opposites ♪

♪ Optional, I came to fire from metropolis ♪

♪ Action Jackson, give your heart some traction ♪

♪ When I shoot like Paxton

♪ You'll never breathe again like Toni Braxton ♪

♪ Braxton, comin' about your rapture ♪

♪ My calm down simmer get you calm down fractions ♪

♪ Spunk like Raven

♪ Shock you like Barack-a

♪ Knock 'em out like vodka

♪ Con ya like shocker

♪ Look it, I drunk, buck, and stick up and stuck it ♪

♪ Switched and left your number ♪

♪ Rap fat like Kirby Puckett

♪ Look at all the locks on the block just to survive ♪

Your tail's coming off.

Great idea coming here.

Good work, Atkins.

Wow, looks like a bomb went off in here.

Here, we gotta get outta here soon.

Can't we just crash upstairs in Lady Pellatt's room?

No, that would be a no.

For so many reasons.

Where's Katie?

Where is Katie?

-Which ones Katie again? -The rabbit.

Oh, yeah.

Right, the stress bunny.

Oh crap, I know where she is.

Katie.

Katie.

Ugh, God.

Katie?

Katie?

Katie?

Katie?

Leo?!

What the hell is going on?

Erica!

Okay, so what?

You couldn't get Zach, so you go after my brother?

What is wrong with you?!

Wait, that Zach guy, she wanted him?

Look, forget about Zach.

Leo, what're you thinking?

I mean, Katie?

Come on.

Why, because she's your best friend?

No, because she's a nightmare.

Well, that explains why you've been inseparable

since you were two.

Leo.

She's a taker, okay?

She's taker and a user.

What the hell is your problem?

She has been your sidekick for a decade,

could you at least give her a break for once?

My sidekick?

I mean, she's always in your shadow.

I mean, she practically is your shadow.

Oh, she is not!

Okay, remember when you guys were little

and you used to play make-believe?

You were The Princess and what was she?

She liked being The Lady in Waiting.

-Please. -She did.

You've been bossing that girl around

since the second grade.

You have more friends than her,

you do better in school and guys like you.

No wonder she's so jealous of you.

She's jealous of me?

Duh.

"Being entirely honest with oneself

"is a worthwhile exercise."

Sigmund Freud.

Honestly, I am so lost.

I have no idea what's gonna happen tomorrow

or what to do about Katie.

I mean, Leo, he said that she's jealous,

but if that's true, why didn't she say anything before?

Jealousy.

The great taboo emotion of our time.

See, Freud was all about uncovering feelings

that people had, but that they couldn't talk about.

So, of course, in his day, it was sex.

But these days, it's envy that we've renounced.

No one talks about it, and no one admits it,

even to themselves.

So what do I do?

I mean, how do you make somebody not jealous?

How do you even bring it up?

Hm, excellent question.

How do you?

Sometimes you're incredibly unhelpful.

Why, thank you.

-Hey. -Hey, you're late.

There's a big group of Texans waiting for their tour.

I had to take the bus.

Addison called a meeting after work.

What?

He can't possibly know.

We didn't leave a trace.

I don't know, he's in a terrible mood.

Something about being unhorsed.

Hey, Katie.

You have a tour to give and I have chamber pots to polish.

Look, I totally crossed the line last night.

The line?

What line?

You just do whatever you want.

Leo, he's vulnerable.

And I know that you like Zach, but he's not a catch.

Trust me.

I mean, I'm nothing to be envied.

You think I went after Leo

because I'm jealous of you and Zach?

Actually, yes.

You're unbelievable.

Katie.

Uh, morning.

I fear there was a breach

of the castle walls last evening.

It was clear to me right away who the culprit must be.

What did you do, steal the keys from Miss Strange,

break in here for God knows what perverted purpose?

I didn't steal anything.

You routinely flout the responsibility and dignity

that comes with the position in the Casa Loma family.

It was, it was my fault.

I used the keys so that we could have the Halloween party.

I used your key.

Fire me.

In the Middle Ages, there was a word for people like you;

that word was chivalrous.

I don't know why you would lie

to conceal Miss Atkins' crimes.

No, but she didn't do anything.

But perhaps your example will be a lesson

to her in her future.

Do you recognize this?

From your costume, Katie.

I have a tail, and you, Miss Bunny, are fired.

Katie.

Katie, Katie, wait.

Wait, wait.

It's like whenever you're around,

people don't even see me.

No, that's not true.

Really?

So, what just happened back there with Addison?

Or Judith?

Who only wants to be friends with you now.

Hey, listen, okay, tell me, what can I do?

You could stop making me feel worthless.

Like, what you said about Leo?

I wasn't with your brother because of Zach,

I was with him because he was the only one at the party

who could actually see me.

But according to you, I'm just a jealous slut, right?

Whatever, I don't even care any more.

Katie.

Oh!

Do you know how long it took me to get credit

on even one book?

A really long time?

Do you know how many people in this office

would jump at the chance to edit a memo

Julianne is sending out?

Brent, what do I do?

For once, all right, maybe twice in my life, I don't know.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Now you can go fetch me my usual lunch: The Sashimi 12.

Julianne, I overreacted.

Who, you?

It's just the thing is is that Katie and I, I mean,

we have a history and I know that she's felt like

she was always in my shadow,

so now she does things to get back at me and I just,

I always take the bait, but I'm not gonna do that anymore.

She's in your shadow?

Okay.

What?

Okay, okay, I'm just gonna save you a lot of therapy

and break it down.

You are an assistant, she's a star columnist.

You're single, she's married.

You're jealous and guess what?

She's not.

If you want me to even let you press spell-check

on The None, you will get over your issues with Katie.

Pronto.

Oh, and you will get me a green tea ice cream for dessert.

Chinese, Thai, Malaysian, but...

Whoa, easy there.

-[knocking on door] -It's open.

Come on in.

Hey, girls.

-Hey. -Hi.

-What's going on? -Nothing.

I don't think?

You know what, Judith?

Could you leave us alone for a second?

I just want to talk to Katie.

What, you want me to just stand out in the hall?

-Well, not really, but-- -Good.

'Cause this pregnant girl needs to sit.

Katie, um whew.

Okay, you're making me nervous.

Did I do something?

No, no, not at all.

This is about the book.

This is about our friendship,

this is about the fact that for the past couple years,

I have been eaten alive by jealousy.

You know, I am gonna go stand in the hall.

You know what, Judith, stay.

I think that you should hear this.

I have been insanely jealous.

And I see now just how stupid that is

because I actually, I don't want your life at all.

So, you agreed to have dinner with me

so you could tell me how much you didn't want my life?

No, no, no-no-no, Katie, that's not what I mean.

It's just, I don't I don't wanna do this anymore.

I wanna be honest with you and it's really hard

to tell someone that you're jealous of them

because it's not that I'm angry with you or that I'm hurt.

-Guys? -Judith, please.

It's just something that you don't usually admit.

Even to yourself.

-Guys! -Judith.

No, I feel really weird.

Ah.

[water dripping]

Oh my God!

That ain't pee.

Just remember that breathing thing, Judith.

Inhale twice, exhale once.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, Anthony, whoa!

I packed this for you, for the hospital.

-Okay? -Okay.

-Thank you, thank you so much. -Got it?

Thank you guys so much for taking care of her.

Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming.

We're okay.

-We're okay. -Jude, I'll call you!

[Judith] Okay, just stop talking, start driving.

-Whoa, easy. -Whew.

Anthony's barely holding it together.

Well, no one's perfect.

Anthony's pretty close.

See, you're wrong about Mr. Right Here.

Judith didn't settle.

You didn't settle with Brian.

I mean, you guys have always been madly in love.

True.

And that helped us get through all the bumpy bits at first.

Then we had to work really hard at our marriage.

And then?

And then we fell even more in love.

The None should be about how none of us are perfect,

single or married, how we all have to work at it.

And you should be the one to write it.

Truth?

I don't know if I can write a whole book.

I'm scared.

I'm not a very good writer.

I have a fantastic editor at the Globe, she's like you.

You would lover her, she's a fiction nut.

Honestly, your column is the first thing

I look for in the weekend paper.

And not just to see if I'm in it.

For real?

Mm-hmm.

And Julianne, she offered me Junior Editor on your book.

So, don't be scared, okay?

I got your back.

Woo!

I'm gonna see you soon, right?

-Totally. -Okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

Bye!

Feelings, so often we fool ourselves

into thinking we can control them,

until one day we're ambushed;

Caught off guard by rage or jealousy or love,

and we're forced to face the truth.

Hey.

Wanna watch a movie?

No.

Jesus, Erica.

I feel like I'm losing you.

Well, you're not.

I mean, our friendship, it's still there.

It's somewhere.

And I know that I'll find my way back way back to it,

but I need some time.

What can I do?

Nothing.

You just have to wait.

For me to be ready.

What if you're never ready?

[Erica Voiceover] The truth is this:

You can't control how you feel.

Only what you do about it.

[light upbeat music]