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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,999 --> 00:00:07,999 CEREAL CRACKLES 2 00:00:08,999 --> 00:00:10,800 Can you hear them? 3 00:00:10,801 --> 00:00:11,998 Oh, yes. 4 00:00:11,999 --> 00:00:13,998 Snap, crackle and pop. 5 00:00:13,999 --> 00:00:16,998 They sounds like tiny people. 6 00:00:16,999 --> 00:00:20,998 Plip-plip-plip-plip-plip! "Help me, I can't swim!" 7 00:00:20,999 --> 00:00:22,998 Guys, do you mind? 8 00:00:22,999 --> 00:00:23,999 What are they doing? 9 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,399 Talking about the cereal. GRUNTING 10 00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:29,800 Red man! Red man! Red man! Red man! 11 00:00:29,801 --> 00:00:31,998 Postman's coming. How do you...? Oh! 12 00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:34,266 I'll go with you. # Friends together 13 00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:36,000 # Fetch the post together... # 14 00:00:38,999 --> 00:00:41,998 Cornflakes were actually invented 15 00:00:41,999 --> 00:00:45,800 to stop people from touching themselves, apparently. 16 00:00:45,801 --> 00:00:47,266 Never did like cornflakes. 17 00:00:47,267 --> 00:00:49,933 Give me an egg atop a cutlet any day of the diary. 18 00:00:49,934 --> 00:00:50,998 TOASTER POPS SCREAMS: Ooh! 19 00:00:50,999 --> 00:00:53,266 Toaster. Yes, I know, I wasn't scared. 20 00:00:53,267 --> 00:00:54,998 # Let me read the post... # 21 00:00:54,999 --> 00:00:57,800 It's so exciting reading one's correspondences. 22 00:00:57,801 --> 00:00:59,266 I bet these are from all your admirers. 23 00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:01,998 WHISPERS: I promise I won't tell Michael! Anything interesting? 24 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:06,199 Red bill. Red bill. Normal bill. 25 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,334 Ooh! GHOSTS: Ooh! 26 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,199 They're looking for a house to film a new drama in. 27 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:13,734 GHOSTS GASP 28 00:01:13,735 --> 00:01:15,200 Oh, I smell money! 29 00:01:17,002 --> 00:01:19,134 You can eat them now. What? 30 00:01:19,135 --> 00:01:21,200 They have stopped calling out. They are dead. 31 00:01:44,135 --> 00:01:47,001 ALISON: Yeah, I mean, it really is an incredible place. 32 00:01:47,002 --> 00:01:49,734 The building itself is 15th-century. 33 00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:51,199 Wow. 34 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,867 1469, to be precise. 35 00:01:53,868 --> 00:01:55,199 Very good. 36 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,600 But the facade is actually mid-16th. 37 00:01:56,601 --> 00:01:58,199 But the facade is actually mid-16th. 38 00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:00,200 'Tis the finest house in the county. 39 00:02:01,199 --> 00:02:05,199 Tell her it's the finest house in the county. I don't want to... 40 00:02:05,201 --> 00:02:08,199 ..blow our own trumpet, 41 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:11,505 but some people say that it is the finest house in the county. 42 00:02:11,507 --> 00:02:13,506 Shall we go inside? 43 00:02:13,507 --> 00:02:15,506 I'm telling you, this is a bad idea. 44 00:02:15,507 --> 00:02:18,174 Actors lounging about the house, 45 00:02:18,175 --> 00:02:20,506 learning lines, wearing make-up, 46 00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:24,507 prancing about the place in loincloths, topless, oiled up. 47 00:02:24,508 --> 00:02:29,441 Kissing each other probably. Oh, gosh! I don't think it's that kind of film, mate! 48 00:02:29,442 --> 00:02:31,441 This was the banqueting hall. 49 00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:34,507 Great space. Boo! Oh! Agh! 50 00:02:35,908 --> 00:02:38,506 Oh, I forgot to take out the bins. 51 00:02:38,507 --> 00:02:41,506 Anyway, what could I tell you about this room? 52 00:02:41,507 --> 00:02:43,506 Henry VIII actually dined here. 53 00:02:43,507 --> 00:02:45,506 Wow! Henry VIII actually dined here. 54 00:02:45,507 --> 00:02:47,506 Sorry, did I say "wow"? 55 00:02:47,507 --> 00:02:49,640 I'm just still amazed by that. 56 00:02:49,641 --> 00:02:51,506 No, it is wow. Yeah. 57 00:02:51,507 --> 00:02:54,907 Yeah, you should've seen the banquet. He had swan. 58 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:58,506 He had swan. And hog. And hog. And dumplings. And dumplings. And figs. 59 00:02:58,507 --> 00:03:00,907 And figs. Absolutely stank out the privy. 60 00:03:00,908 --> 00:03:04,506 And absolutely... loved the place. Absolutely loved it. 61 00:03:04,507 --> 00:03:06,506 As do we! 62 00:03:06,507 --> 00:03:08,506 MIKE: Hmm. Shall we move on? 63 00:03:08,507 --> 00:03:10,506 Er, give us a lift? 64 00:03:10,507 --> 00:03:11,507 Mate? HE SIGHS 65 00:03:11,508 --> 00:03:13,507 OK. Thank you. Yay! 66 00:03:15,507 --> 00:03:16,507 What's the programme, then? 67 00:03:16,508 --> 00:03:17,508 It's a period drama. 68 00:03:17,509 --> 00:03:20,640 Oh, what period? Stuart! Tudor! Regency! 69 00:03:20,641 --> 00:03:23,041 Regency. Yes! THUD! 70 00:03:23,042 --> 00:03:25,506 Sorry! Got carried away! 71 00:03:25,507 --> 00:03:27,506 Oh, there you are! 72 00:03:27,507 --> 00:03:28,507 Are you a sight for sore...? 73 00:03:28,508 --> 00:03:30,507 Oh, you are kidding me? 74 00:03:31,507 --> 00:03:36,640 When I have control of the hands, I am going to punch you so hard. 75 00:03:36,641 --> 00:03:40,506 I think this place is perfect, if you'd be willing to have us here for a couple of months. 76 00:03:40,507 --> 00:03:42,506 How much would you be offering? 77 00:03:42,507 --> 00:03:45,308 3,000. We'd have to sleep on it. 78 00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:47,506 3,000 a day is the most we can offer. A day?! 79 00:03:47,507 --> 00:03:49,506 SHE SNORES Morning! I've just slept on it 80 00:03:49,507 --> 00:03:51,506 and I say yes! And it's a yes from me! Great! 81 00:03:51,507 --> 00:03:53,506 Just to warn you, though, it is quite intrusive. 82 00:03:53,507 --> 00:03:55,506 Lots of personnel. Sounds fun. 83 00:03:55,507 --> 00:03:57,506 It can feel like you're not welcome in your own home. 84 00:03:57,507 --> 00:03:59,506 Absolutely outrageous. We're used to that. 85 00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:02,507 We've had building work going on. Is there anything structural we should know about? 86 00:04:02,508 --> 00:04:04,506 Well, the floor in this room... No, no, no! 87 00:04:04,507 --> 00:04:06,506 No, there's nothing structural. 88 00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:09,506 Everything's structurally sound as a pound! 89 00:04:09,507 --> 00:04:10,507 TIMBERS CREAK 90 00:04:10,508 --> 00:04:13,506 We were looking at a property in the next village, but they're a big family 91 00:04:13,507 --> 00:04:15,507 and they had some issues about which rooms we could use. 92 00:04:15,508 --> 00:04:19,308 Well, we're easy. You can film wherever you like, when you like. 93 00:04:19,309 --> 00:04:20,506 Cos it's just the two of us. 94 00:04:20,507 --> 00:04:22,507 Yeah... 95 00:04:27,507 --> 00:04:29,506 CAPTAIN: Oh, here they come. The riff-raff. 96 00:04:29,507 --> 00:04:31,507 The lags. This will be chaos. 97 00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:37,507 Hm. 98 00:04:41,507 --> 00:04:43,507 Morning. Mind your backs! 99 00:04:47,507 --> 00:04:50,175 ADs on channel 2, please. 100 00:04:52,507 --> 00:04:54,506 LADY BUTTON: Well, I'm keeping out of it. 101 00:04:54,507 --> 00:04:58,506 Yes, though I might just, erm... check. 102 00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,506 Yeah. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 103 00:05:00,507 --> 00:05:02,506 Hm. 104 00:05:02,507 --> 00:05:04,042 Um... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 105 00:05:06,507 --> 00:05:08,506 Oh, that looks absolutely lovely, that, doesn't it? 106 00:05:08,507 --> 00:05:10,506 You going to put an egg on it? 107 00:05:10,507 --> 00:05:12,640 He's put an egg on it! HE CHUCKLES 108 00:05:12,641 --> 00:05:17,174 Can I have some veggie sausages, please? No. On a roll. No. 109 00:05:17,175 --> 00:05:18,308 Disgusting. 110 00:05:18,309 --> 00:05:22,506 You be beautiful wigs that I ever did s... 111 00:05:22,507 --> 00:05:25,506 Ooh! SHE RETCHES 112 00:05:25,507 --> 00:05:28,506 Have you left your tongs on, Tina? 113 00:05:28,507 --> 00:05:30,506 Is this meant to be 1820s? 114 00:05:30,507 --> 00:05:32,506 Those are Rococo chairs and tables. 115 00:05:32,507 --> 00:05:34,507 You can tell by the legs. They're Rococo legs. 116 00:05:35,507 --> 00:05:38,506 Hi, I'm Adam, I'm the first assistant director. 117 00:05:38,507 --> 00:05:39,640 Nice to meet you, hi. Hi. Mike. 118 00:05:39,641 --> 00:05:43,506 Sorry... What do you mean, he's still in make-up? 119 00:05:43,507 --> 00:05:45,506 We're not meant to have more than 15 people on this floor, 120 00:05:45,507 --> 00:05:47,506 and some of these things weigh as much as people, so that's... 121 00:05:47,507 --> 00:05:49,506 It'll be fine. I'm sure that's an exaggeration. 122 00:05:49,507 --> 00:05:50,640 But the survey said... 123 00:05:50,641 --> 00:05:53,506 Yeah, the survey also said that we need to replace the drains, 124 00:05:53,507 --> 00:05:55,506 and we need this money to do that. 125 00:05:55,507 --> 00:05:57,507 There aren't that many people, anyway. 126 00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:01,506 As long as there isn't anything that's too heavy. 127 00:06:01,507 --> 00:06:02,507 Mind your backs! 128 00:06:02,508 --> 00:06:06,506 OK! You can store this in the other room, actually. 129 00:06:06,507 --> 00:06:08,174 It's easier for you then, isn't it? 130 00:06:08,175 --> 00:06:10,506 Just keep things a bit more uncluttered in here. 131 00:06:10,507 --> 00:06:14,506 The room just along there. Can we just...? Er... 132 00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:16,506 Little horse go clippy-clippy-clop. 133 00:06:16,507 --> 00:06:18,507 Oh, I see. Oh, hey! 134 00:06:19,908 --> 00:06:21,507 No! What a business! 135 00:06:24,507 --> 00:06:27,507 Oh, you done it now, man. 136 00:06:27,508 --> 00:06:31,506 I suppose we should call it a day... Hello to you, sir! 137 00:06:31,507 --> 00:06:33,506 HE CHUCKLES 138 00:06:33,507 --> 00:06:35,507 The gee-gees, come on, then. Let's have a bit of this. 139 00:06:35,508 --> 00:06:37,507 Come on. 140 00:06:38,507 --> 00:06:40,506 HE STRAINS WITH EFFORT OK. 141 00:06:40,507 --> 00:06:42,507 That's an arrival on Toby. Just stepping out of the car. 142 00:06:52,442 --> 00:06:53,507 Oh, my God. 143 00:06:53,508 --> 00:06:56,506 Who is that? Toby Nightingale. 144 00:06:56,507 --> 00:06:58,506 He is... Hot, right? 145 00:06:58,507 --> 00:07:00,506 It's certainly a lot of layers. 146 00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:05,441 No, Kitty, she means to say she's in love with him. 147 00:07:05,442 --> 00:07:06,506 A knife in my heart! 148 00:07:06,507 --> 00:07:08,506 Look at all his servants. 149 00:07:08,507 --> 00:07:10,506 He looks preposterous. 150 00:07:10,507 --> 00:07:12,506 Nine, ten... 151 00:07:12,507 --> 00:07:14,506 He counts as two. 152 00:07:14,507 --> 00:07:15,508 What are you...? 153 00:07:17,641 --> 00:07:19,640 Ah. 154 00:07:19,641 --> 00:07:22,506 Oh, no. Everything OK? 155 00:07:22,507 --> 00:07:24,506 No. Yeah. Everything's fine. 156 00:07:24,507 --> 00:07:27,506 It's just Toby Nightingale, that's her free pass. 157 00:07:27,507 --> 00:07:29,506 Free pass? Oh, right! 158 00:07:29,507 --> 00:07:30,507 Ha! Don't let him hear that. 159 00:07:30,508 --> 00:07:33,507 Yeah, I won't. I definitely won't. 160 00:07:38,507 --> 00:07:40,308 Julian! I say, Julian! 161 00:07:40,309 --> 00:07:42,308 What do you want? I'm terribly busy. 162 00:07:42,309 --> 00:07:45,174 You wouldn't happen to know what a "free pass" means? 163 00:07:45,175 --> 00:07:46,506 Something Michael said. 164 00:07:46,507 --> 00:07:48,506 Oh, yes. Samantha Fox was mine. 165 00:07:48,507 --> 00:07:51,308 I do hope she's still modelling. Very talented lady. 166 00:07:51,309 --> 00:07:53,174 Alison's is this actor fellow. 167 00:07:53,175 --> 00:07:54,640 What does it mean? 168 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:57,506 Well, it's a sort of clause in a marriage contract. 169 00:07:57,507 --> 00:08:01,441 A named exception to the rule of monogamy. 170 00:08:01,442 --> 00:08:03,506 Sometimes there's a whole list of people 171 00:08:03,507 --> 00:08:06,507 with whom one can enter into congress without consequences. 172 00:08:06,508 --> 00:08:09,774 My God! Margot had three of the Gladiators on her list - 173 00:08:09,775 --> 00:08:13,308 Wolf, Cobra and John Fashanu. 174 00:08:13,309 --> 00:08:17,506 You mean to say that this player, this minstrel, 175 00:08:17,507 --> 00:08:20,506 is allowed to bed fair Alison? 176 00:08:20,507 --> 00:08:22,507 He's her free pass. 177 00:08:28,507 --> 00:08:32,506 CREW MEMBER: I'll start here, and I think I'm going to approach... 178 00:08:32,507 --> 00:08:36,506 What are they feeding the metal cow? 179 00:08:36,507 --> 00:08:40,506 Oh! No, that's not a cow, Mary, no. That's called a camera. 180 00:08:40,507 --> 00:08:42,907 Yes. They're just cleaning the lens. 181 00:08:42,908 --> 00:08:45,308 Is that its mouth? 182 00:08:45,309 --> 00:08:48,506 No, no, no. That's its, erm, eye. 183 00:08:48,507 --> 00:08:50,506 OK, cheques are happy. 184 00:08:50,507 --> 00:08:53,506 What does that mean? 185 00:08:53,507 --> 00:08:55,174 I thought you weren't interested? 186 00:08:55,175 --> 00:08:58,041 What? No, no, no, I just wanted to, erm, you know? 187 00:08:58,042 --> 00:08:59,907 Can we clear the frame now? 188 00:08:59,908 --> 00:09:02,506 First positions. Call for quiet. 189 00:09:02,507 --> 00:09:05,506 Quiet on set, please! That's extraordinary. Camera set? 190 00:09:05,507 --> 00:09:08,506 MIKE: Huh! Getting a good look, are we? 191 00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:10,506 DIRECTOR: Quiet! Hm? 192 00:09:10,507 --> 00:09:13,640 Alison! Shush. A word, if you please. Shh-shh-shh! 193 00:09:13,641 --> 00:09:15,775 Is it true that...? Shush... 194 00:09:18,641 --> 00:09:20,507 ..everyone. 195 00:09:23,507 --> 00:09:25,507 Thank you. 196 00:09:27,175 --> 00:09:29,506 And action! Oh, that's very good. 197 00:09:29,507 --> 00:09:30,774 They've left for London. 198 00:09:30,775 --> 00:09:35,506 It's a pity that such a sweet girl should have such low connections. 199 00:09:35,507 --> 00:09:37,506 Ooh! She's a fancy flapjack. 200 00:09:37,507 --> 00:09:40,774 Perhaps you are too harsh on your sex, Miss Jane. 201 00:09:40,775 --> 00:09:44,774 In truth, you have not had experience of all of society. 202 00:09:44,775 --> 00:09:48,041 I am beginning to believe that this severity 203 00:09:48,042 --> 00:09:49,507 is born from other distractions. 204 00:09:49,508 --> 00:09:53,506 TIMBERS CREAK 205 00:09:53,507 --> 00:09:56,506 Do you find yourself distracted, Miss Jane? 206 00:09:56,507 --> 00:09:58,506 My lord. 207 00:09:58,507 --> 00:09:59,641 WHISPERS: Kiss him! 208 00:10:03,507 --> 00:10:06,506 MAN CLEARS HIS THROAT What is it? Damn you! 209 00:10:06,507 --> 00:10:09,506 Yes, what is it? Damn you! A letter for you, Lord Byron, sir. 210 00:10:09,507 --> 00:10:11,441 Byron? Cut! 211 00:10:11,442 --> 00:10:15,506 Cut what? Oh, not my lace! Byron? Did he say Byron? 212 00:10:15,507 --> 00:10:17,308 Isn't he going to read the letter? 213 00:10:17,309 --> 00:10:18,506 I'm sure Adam knows what he's doing. 214 00:10:18,507 --> 00:10:21,506 That's one out, three in. Four. 215 00:10:21,507 --> 00:10:22,774 God, they're everywhere! 216 00:10:22,775 --> 00:10:24,506 This is about Byron? 217 00:10:24,507 --> 00:10:26,640 Well, yeah, I mean, the clue is in the title, mate. 218 00:10:26,641 --> 00:10:28,506 HE GASPS 219 00:10:28,507 --> 00:10:30,174 What effrontery is this? 220 00:10:30,175 --> 00:10:33,309 I cannot and will not bear it! 221 00:10:34,507 --> 00:10:36,507 Can we take that key light up a little? 222 00:10:40,507 --> 00:10:41,775 Ohh... 223 00:10:42,508 --> 00:10:45,308 You do light. 224 00:10:45,309 --> 00:10:47,506 HE CHUCKLES 225 00:10:47,507 --> 00:10:50,506 He's smaller in real life, isn't he? Taller, if anything. 226 00:10:50,507 --> 00:10:52,506 I wish I could see his calves. 227 00:10:52,507 --> 00:10:55,308 I bet he's got lovely calves. 228 00:10:55,309 --> 00:10:57,506 Well, I thought that was rather good. No good for me. 229 00:10:57,507 --> 00:10:59,506 It sounds like there's a radio on somewhere. 230 00:10:59,507 --> 00:11:01,175 Can we find out where the...? I'm on it. 231 00:11:02,175 --> 00:11:05,506 I can also hear a wood pigeon. Yeah, good luck with that one, mate. 232 00:11:05,507 --> 00:11:08,506 What's up after this one? We're in the bedroom for the sex scene. 233 00:11:08,507 --> 00:11:11,174 Oh, my! 234 00:11:11,175 --> 00:11:14,506 RACING COMMENTARY ON RADIO 235 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:17,308 Sorry, Julian, they can hear it on set. 236 00:11:17,309 --> 00:11:18,506 No, actually, this is important. 237 00:11:18,507 --> 00:11:20,506 I need to... Don't do that! I've got a bet on. 238 00:11:20,507 --> 00:11:22,506 You've got a bet on? That's what I said. 239 00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:25,308 You can't bet, you're dead. All right, don't rub it in. 240 00:11:25,309 --> 00:11:27,041 It's a sportsman's bet with myself. 241 00:11:27,042 --> 00:11:29,506 Ooh, hold on a minute. 242 00:11:29,507 --> 00:11:30,907 You could put a bet on for me. 243 00:11:30,908 --> 00:11:32,506 You haven't got any money, you're... 244 00:11:32,507 --> 00:11:34,907 Dead! I know, you just said that, I get it! 245 00:11:34,908 --> 00:11:36,506 But you could keep my winnings, 246 00:11:36,507 --> 00:11:38,507 maybe buy yourself a pretty little dress. 247 00:11:38,508 --> 00:11:41,640 Perhaps some make-up. Make yourself look nice. 248 00:11:41,641 --> 00:11:45,506 I really believe you have it in you, Alison. 249 00:11:45,507 --> 00:11:47,506 Just need a bit of help, that's all. 250 00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:49,506 Wow. You're welcome. 251 00:11:49,507 --> 00:11:50,507 Just keep the radio off, please! 252 00:11:50,508 --> 00:11:53,507 Will do! Mystery Queen 10-1! 253 00:11:55,507 --> 00:11:57,506 HE STRAINS WITH EFFORT 254 00:11:57,507 --> 00:12:00,441 Sorted. Thank you. OK! 255 00:12:00,442 --> 00:12:02,309 I can hear the radio again. One sec! 256 00:12:04,175 --> 00:12:06,507 RADIO ON I told you to turn it off. 257 00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:10,506 No, actually, no, you didn't. You said... Er... hold on a moment! 258 00:12:10,507 --> 00:12:13,506 This is my house too. I have a right to the amenities. 259 00:12:13,507 --> 00:12:15,507 This is an infringement of my... Write to your MP! 260 00:12:16,507 --> 00:12:18,506 She got me there. 261 00:12:18,507 --> 00:12:21,507 Sorry about that. It won't happen again now. 262 00:12:23,175 --> 00:12:24,507 OK. 263 00:12:24,508 --> 00:12:27,506 Let's not get behind. First positions, please! 264 00:12:27,507 --> 00:12:29,506 That's it, Adam, call them to order! Sound speed. 265 00:12:29,507 --> 00:12:32,506 Here we go, stand by! Settle. 266 00:12:32,507 --> 00:12:34,441 And action! Action. 267 00:12:34,442 --> 00:12:36,506 They've left for London. 268 00:12:36,507 --> 00:12:41,441 It's a pity that such a sweet girl should have such low connections. 269 00:12:41,442 --> 00:12:43,308 She said that before. Yes, that's because... 270 00:12:43,309 --> 00:12:45,506 Please, Pat. We're turning. 271 00:12:45,507 --> 00:12:47,506 Perhaps you are too harsh on your sex, Miss Jane. 272 00:12:47,507 --> 00:12:49,506 HE GROANS In truth you have not had 273 00:12:49,507 --> 00:12:52,175 experience of all of society. 274 00:12:55,507 --> 00:12:58,506 I am beginning to believe that this severity 275 00:12:58,507 --> 00:12:59,507 is born of other distractions. 276 00:13:01,908 --> 00:13:05,506 Do you find yourself distracted, Miss Jane? 277 00:13:05,507 --> 00:13:07,506 ELECTRICITY FIZZES 278 00:13:07,507 --> 00:13:08,507 CAPTAIN: Robin! 279 00:13:08,508 --> 00:13:10,507 ALISON: For God's sake! 280 00:13:14,507 --> 00:13:17,506 Sorry. It was just a really good take, wasn't it? 281 00:13:17,507 --> 00:13:19,308 Harry! 282 00:13:19,309 --> 00:13:22,506 Sorry, I don't know why that happened. I'll sort it. 283 00:13:22,507 --> 00:13:25,506 OK, let's cut and reset as quickly as possible, please. 284 00:13:25,507 --> 00:13:27,640 No, we don't have time. We'll just use the beginning of that one. 285 00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:30,506 Let's move on before we lose the day. OK, moving on! 286 00:13:30,507 --> 00:13:32,174 Set up for the next shot, please. 287 00:13:32,175 --> 00:13:34,506 CAPTAIN: Moving on, please, everyone. Moving on. 288 00:13:34,507 --> 00:13:36,506 DIRECTOR: Can I take a look at playback, please? 289 00:13:36,507 --> 00:13:39,506 RECORDING PLAYS 'Tis witchcraft. 290 00:13:39,507 --> 00:13:41,774 Their souls be captured in the window. 291 00:13:41,775 --> 00:13:46,506 Oh, no, no, no. It's all being recorded on to a video cassette. 292 00:13:46,507 --> 00:13:49,308 But how are they cleft in twain? 293 00:13:49,309 --> 00:13:51,506 They be there and there. 294 00:13:51,507 --> 00:13:53,442 What? 295 00:13:55,507 --> 00:13:57,042 Oh, God. 296 00:13:59,507 --> 00:14:03,506 Um... Sorry, if I distracted you there. 297 00:14:03,507 --> 00:14:06,506 Oh, I didn't notice. I was completely in the scene. 298 00:14:06,507 --> 00:14:08,506 Great. 299 00:14:08,507 --> 00:14:10,506 We haven't met, have we? 300 00:14:10,507 --> 00:14:12,506 I'm Toby. I-I-I'm Alison. 301 00:14:12,507 --> 00:14:16,506 Can I just say how good I thought you were in The Shoe Shiner? 302 00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:17,507 Fire away. 303 00:14:19,507 --> 00:14:20,507 Oh, er, yeah. 304 00:14:20,508 --> 00:14:22,506 I just thought you were so good. 305 00:14:22,507 --> 00:14:25,506 It's actually one of my favourite films. I'm Mike. 306 00:14:25,507 --> 00:14:28,174 I completely believed that you were blind. 307 00:14:28,175 --> 00:14:30,506 Thanks. I spent a week at a hotel for the blind. 308 00:14:30,507 --> 00:14:33,441 Wore a blindfold, really got to know the condition. 309 00:14:33,442 --> 00:14:35,506 One of the most rewarding times of my life. 310 00:14:35,507 --> 00:14:40,308 Wow. I tell you what, food never tasted so good. 311 00:14:40,309 --> 00:14:42,308 Now I always eat with my eyes closed. 312 00:14:42,309 --> 00:14:43,506 Mind your backs, please! 313 00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:45,907 Whoa-whoa-whoa. 314 00:14:45,908 --> 00:14:48,907 Excuse me, Toby. No problem. 315 00:14:48,908 --> 00:14:50,506 Nice to meet you, Abigail. 316 00:14:50,507 --> 00:14:51,507 It's... It's Alison. 317 00:14:51,508 --> 00:14:54,506 That looks really heavy. Shall we just come clean? 318 00:14:54,507 --> 00:14:56,506 What, and tell them that they're working on a death trap? 319 00:14:56,507 --> 00:14:59,507 Look, if you go outside, that's one less. 320 00:15:01,507 --> 00:15:02,507 Both of us. 321 00:15:03,507 --> 00:15:04,908 Fine. 322 00:15:16,442 --> 00:15:17,506 Curses! 323 00:15:17,507 --> 00:15:19,174 A pox on all of them... 324 00:15:19,175 --> 00:15:20,507 ..apart from Alison. 325 00:15:21,507 --> 00:15:23,442 Finally! 326 00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:27,506 Come to coax me back, have you? 327 00:15:27,507 --> 00:15:29,506 It's no use! 328 00:15:29,507 --> 00:15:32,506 Nothing will persuade me to... Oh, it's you. 329 00:15:32,507 --> 00:15:34,507 Go and get Alis... Oh, he can't hear me. 330 00:15:36,507 --> 00:15:38,506 Harry, can you hurry with that light, please? 331 00:15:38,507 --> 00:15:41,506 So the metal cow remembers what it sees... 332 00:15:41,507 --> 00:15:43,506 Through its one eye? 333 00:15:43,507 --> 00:15:45,907 Yeah. And it sends the memories through the cables... 334 00:15:45,908 --> 00:15:47,506 Worms. Worms, if you like. 335 00:15:47,507 --> 00:15:49,506 ..to the little window. 336 00:15:49,507 --> 00:15:53,640 Where the tiny peoples dance the memories. 337 00:15:53,641 --> 00:15:55,907 Yeah, if you like. 338 00:15:55,908 --> 00:15:58,774 Ohh! Come to dadda. 339 00:15:58,775 --> 00:16:01,506 There we go, that's all good. HE GRUNTS 340 00:16:01,507 --> 00:16:04,506 ELECTRICITY FIZZES 341 00:16:04,507 --> 00:16:05,507 HE GRUNTS 342 00:16:05,508 --> 00:16:07,174 THUD! 343 00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:08,506 Seems to be all right now. 344 00:16:08,507 --> 00:16:11,506 Thanks, Harry, just one more, from the top. 345 00:16:11,507 --> 00:16:14,506 I thought they were moving on? When are they moving on? 346 00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,506 Oh, they do lots of different camera angles. How many? 347 00:16:17,507 --> 00:16:18,507 Quiet on set, please! 348 00:16:18,508 --> 00:16:20,506 Quiet on set, please. 349 00:16:20,507 --> 00:16:21,507 Turning over. Sound speed. 350 00:16:21,508 --> 00:16:23,506 And action! Action. 351 00:16:23,507 --> 00:16:26,506 MISS JANE: They've left for London. It's a pity... 352 00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:28,506 Stand aside, Thorne! 353 00:16:28,507 --> 00:16:30,506 You really want to know what vexed me? GHOSTS: No! 354 00:16:30,507 --> 00:16:32,506 Fine, I'll tell you. CAPTAIN SIGHS 355 00:16:32,507 --> 00:16:35,506 Lord Byron was my greatest foe. 356 00:16:35,507 --> 00:16:39,506 If I had flesh and this were Byron himself, 357 00:16:39,507 --> 00:16:41,506 I would damn well run him through! 358 00:16:41,507 --> 00:16:43,507 He stole my verse, 359 00:16:43,508 --> 00:16:45,506 my destiny, 360 00:16:45,507 --> 00:16:49,506 and now he is to steal the woman of my dreams! 361 00:16:49,507 --> 00:16:51,506 You say every woman is the woman of your dreams. 362 00:16:51,507 --> 00:16:54,640 I have a lot of dreams! And most of them are about women... 363 00:16:54,641 --> 00:16:57,506 ..apart from the one where I have the body of a crab. 364 00:16:57,507 --> 00:17:01,041 SERVANT CLEARS HIS THROAT What is it? Damn you! 365 00:17:01,042 --> 00:17:04,441 Begging your pardon. A letter for you, Lord Byron, sir. 366 00:17:04,442 --> 00:17:08,506 I will not tolerate this sordid pantomime in my house 367 00:17:08,507 --> 00:17:11,506 glorifying this charlatan! 368 00:17:11,507 --> 00:17:13,507 This cad! 369 00:17:13,508 --> 00:17:16,506 This wazzock! HE GASPS 370 00:17:16,507 --> 00:17:17,774 What's a wazzock? 371 00:17:17,775 --> 00:17:23,506 Pat says it! I'm going to drown myself in the lake. 372 00:17:23,507 --> 00:17:26,308 TEARFULLY: I mean it! 373 00:17:26,309 --> 00:17:28,174 Cut! Cut there! 374 00:17:28,175 --> 00:17:30,041 Right, we're going to take a couple of minutes, 375 00:17:30,042 --> 00:17:31,640 just to turn things around for the reverse. 376 00:17:31,641 --> 00:17:33,506 Actors, you can relax yourselves off. 377 00:17:33,507 --> 00:17:36,640 Right, that's two minutes, people, and then we're going to turn it round. 378 00:17:36,641 --> 00:17:39,775 Thank you very much. God, this is good. 379 00:17:44,507 --> 00:17:46,308 Oh, hey, Abigail. Oh, it's Alis... 380 00:17:46,309 --> 00:17:47,774 I wonder if I could ask you a favour. 381 00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:50,506 I've got this scene later, I need to run the lines. 382 00:17:50,507 --> 00:17:52,506 I didn't want to ask her, because I find it can stifle spontaneity, 383 00:17:52,507 --> 00:17:54,506 and I want to keep it fresh and beautiful. 384 00:17:54,507 --> 00:17:56,441 I'm Lord Byron, obviously. Yep. 385 00:17:56,442 --> 00:17:58,506 I've thought of nothing but you all day. 386 00:17:58,507 --> 00:18:01,441 Have you? Oh... 387 00:18:01,442 --> 00:18:03,174 No, that's the scene, that's the first line. 388 00:18:03,175 --> 00:18:05,506 Oh, oh-oh! Oh! Of course! 389 00:18:05,507 --> 00:18:08,441 Why would you...? That's... OK! 390 00:18:08,442 --> 00:18:10,506 I've thought of nothing but you all day. Hm. 391 00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:12,907 Do not deny your feelings. 392 00:18:12,908 --> 00:18:15,507 I do not. Alison? Oh, my heart. 393 00:18:16,507 --> 00:18:19,041 First, I will kiss your lips. Ohh! 394 00:18:19,042 --> 00:18:21,506 Then I will undress you. Ohh... 395 00:18:21,507 --> 00:18:23,175 And then... 396 00:18:27,309 --> 00:18:28,508 And then... 397 00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:02,507 HE TUTS Squares! 398 00:19:05,507 --> 00:19:07,507 TOILET FLUSHES 399 00:19:14,507 --> 00:19:16,640 RACING COMMENTARY ON RADIO Ha! Bingo! 400 00:19:16,641 --> 00:19:19,506 WOMAN: Can we have some music on, please, Cathy? 401 00:19:19,507 --> 00:19:23,506 My bus, my rules! I've got 20 quid on this! 402 00:19:23,507 --> 00:19:27,506 Ah, yes. HE CHUCKLES 403 00:19:27,507 --> 00:19:29,506 You are on a sinful path. 404 00:19:29,507 --> 00:19:31,506 I can't talk about this now. It's not what you think it is. 405 00:19:31,507 --> 00:19:34,506 Oh, I know all about this so-called free pass. 406 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:37,506 Your husband may be satisfied but, I tell you, I am not. 407 00:19:37,507 --> 00:19:40,506 The marriage vows are sacred, and I will not have you 408 00:19:40,507 --> 00:19:44,508 sullying the good name of this family with your wanton debauchery! 409 00:19:56,175 --> 00:19:57,507 Mm... 410 00:19:58,507 --> 00:20:01,506 Hey! Hi! How's it going? 411 00:20:01,507 --> 00:20:04,506 What are you wearing? Oh, I thought I'd go for a run. 412 00:20:04,507 --> 00:20:06,506 Now? You don't run. Hey, going for a run? 413 00:20:06,507 --> 00:20:08,907 Yeah, I like to keep in shape. 414 00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:11,174 What are we talking? 5K? 415 00:20:11,175 --> 00:20:12,506 Pfft! 10... at least. 416 00:20:12,507 --> 00:20:15,041 Cool. I'm actually in training for my next project. 417 00:20:15,042 --> 00:20:20,506 I'm playing a mountain climber, so I'm mainly focusing on upper-body strength. Yeah? Me... me too! 418 00:20:20,507 --> 00:20:21,507 One... 419 00:20:24,507 --> 00:20:28,308 Why is that...? Are you actually going up a real-life mountain? 420 00:20:28,309 --> 00:20:30,308 Of course. Mike couldn't do that. 421 00:20:30,309 --> 00:20:32,174 He's scared of heights. I wouldn't say scared. 422 00:20:32,175 --> 00:20:34,775 Oh, I love them, if anything. Don't faze me at all. 423 00:20:36,507 --> 00:20:39,506 OK, back on in five, everyone! 424 00:20:39,507 --> 00:20:42,506 OK, well, I'd better get going. 425 00:20:42,507 --> 00:20:44,506 Keep an eye on the floor, yeah? Hm. 426 00:20:44,507 --> 00:20:46,507 Enjoy your 10K. 427 00:20:47,507 --> 00:20:50,506 Oh, my God. How much does that thing weigh? 428 00:20:50,507 --> 00:20:52,506 Watch yourself, coming through. 429 00:20:52,507 --> 00:20:56,507 Where have all these people come from? There's twice as many. 430 00:20:59,507 --> 00:21:01,174 HE STRAINS 431 00:21:01,175 --> 00:21:02,506 ELECTRICITY FIZZES 432 00:21:02,507 --> 00:21:04,174 In your face! 433 00:21:04,175 --> 00:21:06,506 Robin! What the bally hell do you think you're playing at? 434 00:21:06,507 --> 00:21:09,506 Bigger boy made me do it. No! It's nonsense, and you know it! 435 00:21:09,507 --> 00:21:12,506 Yeah, I just think it's a shame we're not just pushing in 436 00:21:12,507 --> 00:21:15,506 for that moment there, just to capture the emotion. 437 00:21:15,507 --> 00:21:17,506 Well, I'm sure they know what they're doing, Mary. 438 00:21:17,507 --> 00:21:19,506 Will, can you just push in a little? Just get the emotion. 439 00:21:19,507 --> 00:21:21,506 Yeah, sure. Well done, Mary! 440 00:21:21,507 --> 00:21:24,507 KITTY SIGHS This is taking for ever. 441 00:21:34,507 --> 00:21:35,508 Oh! 442 00:21:38,507 --> 00:21:41,507 That's probably about 10K. 443 00:21:49,507 --> 00:21:51,507 Little short cut... 444 00:21:55,507 --> 00:21:58,507 Oh... Why is that? BOTH: First positions. 445 00:21:59,507 --> 00:22:01,506 Thanks for your patience, everyone. 446 00:22:01,507 --> 00:22:03,308 This is the last set-up. 447 00:22:03,309 --> 00:22:05,775 Toby. Toby. 448 00:22:08,042 --> 00:22:10,508 Lord Byron? Yes? First positions. 449 00:22:14,175 --> 00:22:16,441 Turning. Sound speed! 450 00:22:16,442 --> 00:22:17,506 And action. Action. 451 00:22:17,507 --> 00:22:19,506 They've left for London. 452 00:22:19,507 --> 00:22:20,908 CREAKING 453 00:22:26,507 --> 00:22:30,507 In truth, you have not had experience of all of society. 454 00:22:31,507 --> 00:22:34,506 I am beginning to believe that this severity 455 00:22:34,507 --> 00:22:36,507 is born from other distractions. 456 00:22:39,507 --> 00:22:42,508 CREAKING 457 00:22:48,507 --> 00:22:53,507 Do you find yourself distracted, Miss Jane? 458 00:23:01,507 --> 00:23:03,175 My lord. 459 00:23:04,507 --> 00:23:07,507 And cut! That's scene complete. 460 00:23:12,442 --> 00:23:14,506 That should hold it. 461 00:23:14,507 --> 00:23:17,506 Jolly good. Excellent work, everybody, thank you. 462 00:23:17,507 --> 00:23:19,907 Thank you so much for your hard work today, everyone. 463 00:23:19,908 --> 00:23:22,506 It does not go unnoticed. Lovely working with you, thank you. 464 00:23:22,507 --> 00:23:25,506 Thank God. I thought they were never going to finish. 465 00:23:25,507 --> 00:23:27,506 Moving on to the bedroom. 466 00:23:27,507 --> 00:23:30,506 Closed set, just essential crew, please, cos there'll be nudity. 467 00:23:30,507 --> 00:23:32,506 Oh, I hope he has a hairy chest. 468 00:23:32,507 --> 00:23:35,506 Good Lord. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT 469 00:23:35,507 --> 00:23:39,506 OK, it's a closed set. There will be intercourse, apparently. 470 00:23:39,507 --> 00:23:44,506 OVER RADIO: Next up, it's the main event of the day, this is the big one, the King Henry Stakes. 471 00:23:44,507 --> 00:23:47,506 As the riders line up, the atmosphere here is absolutely electric. 472 00:23:47,507 --> 00:23:50,506 Here we go! Fingers-fingers! 473 00:23:50,507 --> 00:23:52,506 There you are, Harry, straight through, yep. 474 00:23:52,507 --> 00:23:54,507 First door on the right, thank you. Er, no. No, thank you. 475 00:23:54,508 --> 00:23:56,506 You heard Adam. It's a closed set. 476 00:23:56,507 --> 00:23:59,308 Essential crew only. Especially not you, Robin! 477 00:23:59,309 --> 00:24:02,506 I'll be good. There's no harm in it. They can't see us, mate. 478 00:24:02,507 --> 00:24:04,506 Yeah, we're ghosts, you warty old crunk. 479 00:24:04,507 --> 00:24:08,774 That is beside the point. Rules are rules, and young Adam deserves our every respect. 480 00:24:08,775 --> 00:24:11,506 OK, if everyone's happy. Let's clear the room. 481 00:24:11,507 --> 00:24:12,507 ROBIN GRUNTS 482 00:24:12,508 --> 00:24:14,774 TOBY BLOWS THROUGH LIPS Mah! 483 00:24:14,775 --> 00:24:18,308 Good Lord. Ah-ah-ah-ah! Why he do rain dance? 484 00:24:18,309 --> 00:24:20,506 The Devil plays with his strings! 485 00:24:20,507 --> 00:24:24,441 Oh, no, no, no, no. He's getting himself in the zone. 486 00:24:24,442 --> 00:24:25,507 Ah. 487 00:24:27,507 --> 00:24:29,507 SHE GIGGLES 488 00:24:32,175 --> 00:24:33,506 Fixed it! 489 00:24:33,507 --> 00:24:35,506 Oh, great! 490 00:24:35,507 --> 00:24:37,640 Before or after the 10K? 491 00:24:37,641 --> 00:24:39,506 Where's your free pass? 492 00:24:39,507 --> 00:24:41,041 You... 493 00:24:41,042 --> 00:24:43,441 You're not are you actually jealous? 494 00:24:43,442 --> 00:24:44,507 No. 495 00:24:45,641 --> 00:24:47,506 But, I mean, he is handsome. 496 00:24:47,507 --> 00:24:49,175 Hm. 497 00:24:52,507 --> 00:24:54,508 And... action. 498 00:24:56,442 --> 00:24:58,775 GHOSTS CLAMOUR CAPTAIN: No, thank you! 499 00:25:00,507 --> 00:25:02,442 I've thought of nothing but you all day. 500 00:25:04,507 --> 00:25:06,308 Yes! 501 00:25:06,309 --> 00:25:08,506 What are you all doing here? We're not allowed in. 502 00:25:08,507 --> 00:25:11,308 They're making love. What?! 503 00:25:11,309 --> 00:25:14,506 No, no, no, Fanny, no! No, Fanny! 504 00:25:14,507 --> 00:25:17,506 OVER RADIO: Bradley's Misdemeanour challenged by the outsider Mystery Queen. 505 00:25:17,507 --> 00:25:19,506 Come on, Bradley! Come on, Mystery Queen! 506 00:25:19,507 --> 00:25:22,506 SHE GASPS Alison! 507 00:25:22,507 --> 00:25:25,506 First, I will kiss you... HE SCREAMS 508 00:25:25,507 --> 00:25:28,907 OVER RADIO: Mystery Queen on the nearside... BOTH: Come on! 509 00:25:28,908 --> 00:25:31,506 Help! I can't pull myself up. HE SHRIEKS 510 00:25:31,507 --> 00:25:32,907 BOTH: Come on! 511 00:25:32,908 --> 00:25:34,907 TOBY SHRIEKS Stop kicking! 512 00:25:34,908 --> 00:25:36,506 BOTH: Come on! 513 00:25:36,507 --> 00:25:38,506 ELECTRICITY ZAPS 514 00:25:38,507 --> 00:25:41,041 RADIO TURNS OFF Oh, come on! 515 00:25:41,042 --> 00:25:43,506 Robin! What? It wasn't me! 516 00:25:43,507 --> 00:25:47,506 Have you got me? Have you got me? It's OK. Let yourself down. Slowly. 517 00:25:47,507 --> 00:25:48,507 Have you got...? 518 00:25:48,508 --> 00:25:52,441 HE GASPS Oh, God. Oh, God. 519 00:25:52,442 --> 00:25:55,506 You're fine now, you're all right now. 520 00:25:55,507 --> 00:25:57,175 All right. 521 00:26:01,507 --> 00:26:04,506 Someone get a medic in here. Toby, are you OK? No, I'm not. 522 00:26:04,507 --> 00:26:06,506 I could've died, and then where would you be? 523 00:26:06,507 --> 00:26:08,506 Where did you get that from? 524 00:26:08,507 --> 00:26:10,506 HE SPITS 525 00:26:10,507 --> 00:26:11,507 I think you know. 526 00:26:18,507 --> 00:26:20,506 CAPTAIN: That's a terrible shame. 527 00:26:20,507 --> 00:26:23,506 I thought you didn't want them here? Not for me, for you. 528 00:26:23,507 --> 00:26:24,507 The money and so on. 529 00:26:24,508 --> 00:26:26,506 I shan't miss him... them! 530 00:26:26,507 --> 00:26:29,506 'Tis back to boredom, I suppose. 531 00:26:29,507 --> 00:26:33,441 Oh, never bored with chess board. 532 00:26:33,442 --> 00:26:36,506 Well, I think it quite the best to be free from distractions. 533 00:26:36,507 --> 00:26:40,506 You do know that free pass thing's a joke? Wasn't in my marriage. 534 00:26:40,507 --> 00:26:42,506 Goodbye, £96,000. 535 00:26:42,507 --> 00:26:43,507 Yeah... 536 00:26:43,508 --> 00:26:45,774 Well, at least we won 100 quid. 537 00:26:45,775 --> 00:26:49,041 Mystery Queen. Got a tip from a ghost. 538 00:26:49,042 --> 00:26:52,506 That's how we can make money! No, they're... they're ghosts, Mike. 539 00:26:52,507 --> 00:26:54,640 I think you're thinking of time-travellers. 540 00:26:54,641 --> 00:26:56,506 Oh. 541 00:26:56,507 --> 00:26:58,441 Yeah, but... No. 542 00:26:58,442 --> 00:26:59,507 Well, Thomas will be glad they've gone. 543 00:26:59,508 --> 00:27:02,507 Yeah, perhaps someone should tell him. 544 00:27:05,507 --> 00:27:08,175 Come on, Pat. Chop chop! 545 00:27:20,507 --> 00:27:21,507 HE SIGHS DEEPLY 55546

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