Original subtitles

OK, guys, Juliet's gonna be here any minute.

How do I look?

You think the boutonniere's over the top? Is a little bit, huh?

What about my candelabrum?

It would be fine, if you had a hunchback and a bell tower.

Justin, relax. It's gonna be fine.

Well, it's just this is the first meal

Juliet's having with our family

and, you know, I don't want anything to go wrong.

Oh, what could possibly go wrong?

I think tonight might be the night

I try to eat my dinner blindfolded.

But then you wouldn't know what you were eating.

You should do it.

Dad, give me the socks you're wearing and some butter. Go.

I don't need butter to eat socks.

Good luck not being ashamed of all that, sweetie.

Justin's new vampire girlfriend is coming over for dinner tonight.

I still can't get used to saying that.

I can.

Justin's got a girlfriend,

a vampire girlfriend.

- Justin's got a girlfriend. - Dad!

I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get out

all of my inappropriate behavior before she gets here.

Hey, who wants to see my appendix scar?

That's her.

Dad, I'm not opening that door until you put your shirt down.

Good.

OK.

Hi, Justin.

Hello, Juliet.

Why, you're a vision of loveliness and enchantment.

Oh, you're so cute when you give me old-timey compliments.

Well, you're a vampire. Vampires are really old, right?

I mean, uh, not that you're old or look old.

You look great for your age. Which would be...?

Justin, I already told you, I'm not telling you how old I am.

If I did, you would freak out. Like Caesar did. Oh, shoot!

I'm narrowing it down.

Nobody cares.

Yoknow my family.

Hi, guys.

Wow, it smells really great in here.

Well, I've prepared a special meal

in honor of our special guest.

It's my special...

...ten cheese enchilada surprise.

The surprise is an eleventh cheese!

Eleven cheeses in one dish? Um...

I'm really sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Russo.

I don't think I can eat that.

I probably should've mentioned this earlier,

but vampires are kind of health conscious.

Juliet, you're right.

This cheesy food could be considered unhealthy.

And my family deserves better than that.

From now on, the Russos will be eating much healthier.

Isn't that right, Jerry?

Get in there and fight for our cake!

Right.

Sure, honey. You know how I always support

your unpredictable whims.

Sorry.

Thank you. Now throw that cake away.

Wow! You've only been here for a few minutes

and my family's already better off for knowing you.

You're incredible.

- No, you are, Justin. - No, you are.

No, you are.

Butterfly kiss!

Wow. well...

This just is great.

I'm gonna go take out the trash.

I'm gonna help her.

Well you know everything's gonna be a breeze

That the end will no doubt justify the means

You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease

Yes please

But you might find out it'll go to your head

When you write a report on a book you never read

With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed

That's what I said

Everything is not what it seems

When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams

You might run into trouble if you go to extremes

Because everything is not what it seems

Everything is not what it seems

When you can have what you want by the simplest of means

Be careful not to mess with the balance of things

Because everything is not...

What it seems

Thanks to Juliet, I have seen the error of our ways.

We are throwing out all of this junk food

and we're never lookin' back.

Wait, Mom. You can't do that.

Of course I can, sweetie. I'm your mom.

I can do whatever I want.

Well, then I'm out.

I was this close

to eating meals with you guys out of convenience,

but you, mother, just put a stop to that.

So thank you for ruining our family!

I'm just kidding.

But seriously, I'm not gonna eat with you guys.

That... that's just so good.

Hi, Juliet. Guess what's in this bag.

Nothing but junk food. I could smell it from a mile away.

Vampire sense of smell. Hey, is Justin around?

Oh, he's upstairs.

Look at you. Cloudy day so you're out without an umbrella.

Excuse me?

I know you're a vampire.

I'm Harper. And I just want to let you know

that there are no hard feelings.

Hard feelings? About what?

Oh, Justin didn't tell you?

That is just like him, trying to spare other people's feelings.

He and I have had an on-and-off relationship for years.

We're off now, which is why you guys are on. So I'm cool.

Whoa, whoa! What's with the garlic?

We were just having a conversation.

Sorry. I just wasn't sure how this whole thing was gonna go.

So you made a garlic necklace.

No, I actually had it.

It's for this pasta outfit that I'm working on.

Oh, you're the food-for-clothes girl.

Yeah, Justin has talked about you.

Yes!

So this is our new garden,

where we'll be growing all sorts of exciting vegetables,

including broccoli, which they say has near magical qualities.

It'll be magical if I can get it down

without a warm cheese sauce.

Hmm. Magical qualities, huh?

Did you say something, Max?

Nope. Didn't say a word.

Hmm. Magical qualities, huh.

Let's just pretend we didn't hear it that time.

Don't let this garden go to waste.

Give all this food a lot more taste.

Well, that was unexpected.

Man, that Pilates class was great.

I've never felt more physically or emotionally centered

in all of my life.

Hey Alex, would you like to join us?

It'd really help strengthen your core.

Oh, no thanks. I like my core loose and in front of the TV.

Uh... Dad, aren't those shorts a little tight?

They're looser than I thought they'd be.

Oh! Oh, my gosh. What is going on?

A total aerobic workout. That's what's going on.

The perfect complement to healthy eating.

- Dad, you're OK with this? - Yeah, of course.

What's not to be OK with? It's a great idea.

Let's start stretching, Jerry.

Another great idea.

I just...

Trying to...

Oh!

Wha...? I give up eating with you people,

and now you're making it impossible

for me to watch television in my own home?

I'm so desperate, I'm thinking about going to Harper's house.

Hum de dum de dum.

- What are you doing? - What? Nothing.

Why do you ask?

Because it looks like you're humming suspiciously

to look casual.

That's exactly what I was doing.

Now, let's see what you're really up to.

Oh!

Max! What did you do?

Umm...

Well, I just wanted to use magic

to make the vegetables taste better,

but I've made a giant pumpkin.

I'm going to live in it.

First, I need to carve a door in the side of it.

Max, that's a spoon.

I know what it's called.

Oh.

Alex Russo and friend. What a pleasant surprise.

What can I get for you?

Your daughter out of my house.

She's made it impossible for me to eat anything unhealthy.

You know, with all the time Juliet's been spending

with your brother, we could use an extra hand around here.

What would you say to a part-time job

here at the Late Nite Bite?

A job? Well, doesn't sound like something I'd do,

but it would get me out of Family Exercise Night.

Look at you. So clever and cunning.

Sometimes we wish Juliet had more of that.

Yeah, in a lot of ways,

you're probably more like a vampire than she is.

Oh, thank you.

So it's settled. You'll both start working here immediately.

Me, too? Yes!

You know, we find Juliet's health kicks

rather irritating, too.

Really? I thought all vampires were health conscious.

No, it's mainly just the younger generation.

They sometimes even try to get humans to eat better

so they'll have healthier blood to suck.

They're very fanatical about it.

What did you just say?

I said they're fanatical about it.

No, before that.

I said it's mainly the younger generation.

Yes, but after that.

Oh, I think she's talking about the part where you mentioned

how younger vampires try to get humans healthier

before drinking their delicious blood.

That's the one. OK, um...

Well, excuse me, just...

Oh! You've got to be kidding me.

But her shift just started.

I'll cover her shift. I knew how this was gonna go.

I just didn't think it would happen so soon.

Max?

There's some mail here for ya.

Hold on.

This is my mail slot.

Yeah, I get it.

I hope you're not jealous

that I moved out of the house before you did.

Tell Mommy and Daddy I said, "Hi." Loser.

OK. I'll tell 'em.

Mom, Dad. The kid living in the jack-o'-lantern

thinks I'm the loser.

Justin, uh, let's talk about Juliet.

Isn't she the greatest? I could talk about her all day.

Yes, she's cute, and she's looking past your jungle toes,

and we're all really excited for you, but look...

She wants to drink your blood.

What are you talking about?

I got a job over at the Late Nite Bite,

and while I was there I found out that young vampires

like to feed on the healthiest human blood they can find.

I can't believe it.

You got a job?

- I know, it's weird, huh? - Totally. Up top!

No! Stop.

I think Juliet is trying to get you healthy

so she can drink your blood.

Come on, Alex. Juliet's a vampire with a soul,

so she has a conscience.

That's why she volunteers at blood banks on the weekends.

Keep talkin'. You're almost there.

And I bet you think it's weird that she salivates

uncontrollably around me when I wear v-neck t-shirts, too.

On to sports.

Oh, my gosh! My girlfriend's gonna suck my blood.

Well, look at that, you stuck the landing.

Justin.

Juliet!

Vampire speed. Forgot about that.

Hey, why are you wearing a scarf? It's like 75 degrees out.

I'm not wearing a scarf.

Oh, you mean this? OK, I'm wearing a scarf.

Why are you acting so weird?

You probably have heat stroke.

Let's get that scarf off.

Hey, so, guess what?

I woke up this evening and my fangs had come in. Look.

Stay back!

Keep your filthy fangs away from my perfect, succulent neck!

- Justin! What are you doing? - Trying to save my life.

Alex told me you're trying to get me healthy

just so you can drink my blood.

What? No, you're my boyfriend.

I would never do anything like that.

I know, but Alex said...

Aren't you always saying your sister's up to no good?

Why would you believe her?

It's a complicated relationship we have together.

I'm sorry, I should've known better than to listen to Alex.

Just 'cause she's working for your parents,

she thinks she's like some expert on vampires.

She's working for my parents?

Yeah, she's over there now with Harper.

Oh, my gosh. There's no easy way to say this,

so I'm just gonna come right out with it.

OK.

My parents might be planning to drink their blood.

I love you, too. I...

You didn't say what I thought you were...

Come on! Let's go tell your parents!

Mom, Dad...

Juliet said she loved me.

Well, she didn't, but I thought she was going to.

Justin. Blood drinking.

And she didn't freak out when I said it.

- Aww. - Thank you, Mom.

Alex. Harper. Danger.

This is an important milestone in out relationship.

My parents are about to drink Alex and Harper's blood.

- Oh! - What?

Thank you. Someone who understands danger.

OK, now that they know that,

can we get back to talking about us?

We'll talk about it on the way. Come on.

Did the satellite guy come?

I gotta tell him where to put the dish.

Max, we are in the middle of something, here.

Your sister and Harper are about to be bitten by vampires.

Cool! That's even better than the satellite.

Come on. Let's get over there.

Oh, my gosh. What if we only have time to save one?

Alex is our daughter.

But Harper has so much more potential.

We both know it'd be Harper

who'd take care of us in our old age.

We'll talk about it on our way.

All right...

Since it's between rushes,

why don't we take your photos for your company IDs.

But there's only two employees.

It's a state law thing. Just take a picture, will ya?

I'm sorry. I'm just a tad hungry, that's all.

Alex, you first. Mmm?

OK, good.

Just tilt your head a little.

More.

More...

More.

Uh... This is a little uncomfortable.

But it makes for a good picture.

Chin out. Chin out. Really stretch it.

Now, Cindy, why don't you go over there

and help her with her head position?

But it's Alex's employee ID.

Oh, relax. Cindy's a vampire.

She's not going to show up in the picture.

Come on, Cindy.

Actually, I didn't know I was going first.

I thought I was " taking a picture" with, uh...

...hmmm, Harper.

Uh, Heh-heh. N-n-no, I don't think we dided that.

Yes, we did. You were going to "take a picture" wh Alex,

who is, frankly, slightly more bitter.

Would somebody take my picture? I'm cramping up over here.

All right, fine.

Alex! Harper!

What are you guys doing here?

I'm in the middle of getting my company ID.

Juliet, I kind of fibbed about me and Justin.

- You know what? That can wait. - Why?

Because those vampires are about to suck your blood.

What?!

You're right, we can just talk about it later.

Is this true, Cindy?

Yeah well, kind of, I mean...

It's not so bad. It's just like a mosquito bite.

And then all your blood is gone.

Mom, Dad, you said you weren't gonna do this anymore.

Are we gonna have to move again?

I know this embarrasses you,

but unfortunately, it's who we are. We're vampires.

We can't all have the incredible self-control that you have.

Wait a minute. So you two were planning this the whole time?

Unbelievable.

Well, maybe this goes without saying, but I quit.

I, uh, kinda need the job, so I'm gonna take my chances.

You know what?

I haven't eaten anything in the six months we've been here.

And maybe opening a sandwich shop four doors down

from another sandwich shop wasn't such a good idea,

so I'm cool with drinking some blood and movin' to Phoenix.

Mom?

Dad?

Harper! Oh, we've come to save you

What about me?

You guys. We're here to save you guys.

Max!

Did they bite her? Did I miss it?

Who is that boy?

Get him away from us!

What's going on?

It's like they're afraid of Max or something.

No, it's not Max, it's his smell.

Believe it or not,

this isn't even one of his worst days.

No, it's the pumpkin. Vampires hate pumpkin.

More than garlic. That's why people originally put...

...pumpkins outside their house on Halloween,

to keep away the vampires.

Please make it stop!

Just get that awful, awful boy away from us!

Not until you...

Not until you apologize for almost biting my daughter's neck

and turning her into a vampire for all eternity.

All right, all right. We're sorry.

What if we smooth it over with a little bit of ice cream?

Really? You were just about to turn our daughter into a vampire

and you think you can just smooth it over with ice cream?

So you don't want the ice cream?

- No, we want the ice cream. - Jerry!

Um... and I think we need more of an apology.

Unlimited toppings?

I accept your apology. I'll take mine in a cup.

Dad, they were just about to drink our blood.

That's right. This is unacceptable.

Harper was gonna be the one to take care of us in our old age.

Yes!

Alright. I'll make dinner, too.

Who's up for some really rare steaks?

Hey, Pumpkin Boy. Go take a shower.

And hurry back if you want a steak.

OK, listen guys, we start out with salad.

No butter, no fries, and water instead of soda.

Would somebody bite her?

You're totally checking out my neck.

No, I'm not. I had a big breakfast.

- You are so cute. - No, you are.

Nose kiss!

Ugh. We are trying to enjoy

about a ton of pumpkin pie over here, people.

You know, we're gonna have to eat this whole thing,

because it's not gonna fit in the fridge.

Can you hand me that big spoon?

Jerry, that's a shovel.

I know what it's called.

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