Original subtitles

This is the slowest dinner rush we've ever had.

Ooh, the city must have taken down

your "Last Sandwich for 40 Miles" sign.

Oh! This sandwich is amazing.

It's a pesto mayonnaise with a smoked turkey

and a fancy cheese I've never heard of.

I know it's fancy, because it's not spray on.

Where did you get that?

At the new place down the street, The Late Nite Bite.

It's super close. We can go there all the time.

The only problem is it's super packed.

Not like this place.

There's another sandwich shop on Waverly Place? Competition?

There's no competition. Let me try that.

Mmm. Mmm. There's no competition.

Mmmm.

This sandwich is even better than pizza.

Can I have it back, please?

Jerry, maybe we should send somebody down there

to check it out, huh?

I'll go.

No, no, no. I'll go. I need a new sandwich, anyway.

We only send you on missions of destruction.

Max we send to confuse people.

For research and surveillance, Justin's our guy.

OK. I've got just the decoy.

I'll speak with an Australian accent.

"G'day, mate. I'd like to try

one of your shrimp on the barbie sandy-wiches... mate."

Hmm?

No, that's not an Australian accent.

I'm a master of voices. Listen.

"I'd like to try your shrimp on the barbie sandy-wich...

...mate."

That's not an accent. That's your lame Jim Carrey impression.

Yeah, but you knew who it was.

It's gonna be in my one-man show when school starts.

I'm gonna work on my impressions all summer.

All summer long, huh?

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Jack Nicholson.

Oh, I got one. OK. Um...

All summer with no Max makes Alex a happy girl.

Alex Russo.

Well you know everything's gonna be a breeze

And the end will no doubt justify the means

You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease

Yes please

But you might find out it'll go to your head

When you write a report on a book you never read

With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed

That's what I said

Everything is not what it seems

When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams

You might run into trouble if you go to extremes

Because everything is not what it seems

Everything is not what it seems

When you can have what you want by the simplest of means

Be careful not to mess with the balance of things

Because everything is not...

What it seems

As expected, the place is very busy.

Aha!

They're open 24 hours.

I don't know why I said "Aha."

Oh! There's one of their menus.

You know there are take-out menus.

If you want a copy, the trash can out front

probably has 20 of them.

I take photographs of menus.

I'm an artist. An Australian menu artist.

Love your variety of sandy-wiches.

I'm so on board with your whole Australian thing

until you said, "sandy-wiches."

They don't say that?

I'm... I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. I like fake accents.

I also like fake mustaches.

Oh, my gosh. I have one. I knew I should have worn it.

It's OK. I was kind of kidding.

Oh. Um... I'm Justin.

I'm Juliet.

Sorry.

Want to hear about our special?

I think I'm looking at it.

Oh, was that smooth?

You kinda ruined it by talking about it.

You're still cute, though.

Juliet, you didn't tell me we had a special visitor.

Pardon me. Aren't you the young man who works at Waverly Sub Station?

Oh, I got a sandwich there last week.

Yeah, I was on a rather bland diet

and you guys really got me through it.

- Thank you. - I'm Justin Russo.

- Oh. - And...

Lovely dress.

I've always thought people should get dressed up

to make sandwiches.

Out of respect for the profession...

...of sandwich making.

Ooh. Insincere compliments.

Well, I see the game is afoot.

"Insincere," huh? I knew you didn't like this dress.

Mm-hm?

Juliet, this boy is here to spy on our establishment.

He's not spying, Daddy. He's very nice.

He was just videotaping our menu for his...

You know, things are not looking good for you.

I'm afraid, Justin Russo,

that I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

If don't, the consequences will be most horrible

and permanent!

Oh, honey, what did we say about the hand gestures?

Not in the restaurant.

There you go.

Here, take this.

But this has someone's phone number on it.

Yeah. It's the cute girl who works at Late Nite Bite.

Oh. I like her.

The right side of the take-out menu lists the specials.

Fangs-giving Turkey plate.

The Count of Monte CristoSandwi.

on... "garlic style" bread.

Justin, isn't that all stuff from the menu?

Why'd you write it on the white board?

You sent me on a spy mission, and I'm debriefing you.

Without the board we're just sitting around looking at menus.

Hold up. "Garlic style? " "Open all night?"

"Count?" "Fangs?" They're vampires!

The Van Heusens are vampires?

That's why they had fangs.

Thought it was just a theme.

We've got a vampire war on our hands.

Hasta la vista, baby!

That was the Terminator!

All right, he's gone. We should pack up and move.

All right. So they're vampires?

It doesn't mean we can't beat them at their own game.

What do they got? A castle dungeon theme?

We've got a subway station theme.

All we have to do is make people feel

like they're really in a New York City subway station

when they come in here.

You know, complete the experience for them.

I'll just write that down on the white board and make it official.

I get it.

We can move the turnstiles by the bathrooms to the front door.

It'll create a line outside,

make the place look busy, like those discotheques do.

"Discotheques?"

This could be the worst family meeting ever.

No. No. It's coming together.

Late Nite Bite, you don't know what bear you just poked.

- I'm the bear. - Oh.

Alex, I need to speak to you.

I've got a date with Juliet Van Heusen

and I need your help sneaking around Mom and Dad.

Well, you came to the right place.

You don't want to be caught dating the competition.

- What do I do? - Use magic.

- That's it? - Would you have thought of it?

- Nope. - OK then.

If there's nothing else, I've got to get started on my plan

for getting Max and those annoying impressions

out of the house for the summer.

"I'll be back."

No, you won't, Max. No, you won't.

Waverly Sub Station. Next stop, delicious.

OK, and here we are.

Can we eat now?

Not yet, sir. First a little subway entertainment.

Harper, you're on.

And a one, two three...

I love sandwiches.

Why do they call them sandwiches?

They're not made out of sand. They're not made by witches.

What is the deal?

Jerry Seinfeld.

Please, can I just get some coffee?

Ah... I'll get that for you, sir.

Oh, and you'll get yours, too, buddy.

So Romeo,

did you figure out how you're using magic to date Juliet?

Yep. I added five minutes to the break schedule.

Now when we date, it'll be for 25 minutes at a time.

You used magic to do this...?

Justin, you could have used magic to... to stop time,

freeze Mom and Dad so they can't find you,

create an alternate universe where you and Juliet can date

for a year, but it'd only be a minute of our time.

Something big and magical.

I also used it to grow two inches.

You are a wiz-idiot.

You know what?

You use magic your way, I'm gonna use it my way.

Fine, I will.

There.

Now you're two inches shorter, just like you used to be.

What's up, shorty?

That was the best nightmare ever.

Hi, Justin.

Wait, you only have 25 minutes for the whole date?

No, OK. We can just skip the awkward part

and you can hold my hand.

Yeah, I guess that was kind of awkward.

Hey, got it over with.

All right. See you outside.

Ahh!

AB Positive.

Uh, Juliet?

Yeah, hi. Where do you think you're going?

Um... I... I was just going

to go wreak havoc on innocent mortals.

Oh!

Oh, well, good, honey. Fabulous. Have fun.

Juliet?

If you're sneaking out to see that Russo boy,

you'll be grounded.

And I mean, in the ground, this time.

Oh, Daddy, go back to dead.

Wait a minute!

I know what you're doing.

You're sneaking out to do something your mother wouldn't approve of,

like getting a frozen hot chocolate.

I'm coming with you!

Go ahead, sneak around, eat whatever you want...

like I don't notice how we can't fit into

a queen-sized coffin anymore?

Fine. I'll switch to blood light.

Oh, sweetie, on your way home

could you pick up some detergent?

Your father keeps wiping his fangs on his cape,

because he's a little vampire piggy.

- I heard that! - You were meant to.

Hey, Justin, I don't think going through the graveyard

is a shortcut to the movies.

But it is, because you tend to walk faster through a graveyard.

I mean, unless you actually like graveyards.

Do you?

Well, not really as much as you seem to.

I'm totally... totally cool with the whole graveyard situation.

You know what? We have, uh... we have some time to... "kill."

Well, yeah, I guess we could hang out here for a while.

Aha! You said, "hang."

Most people say, "sit, " but you said, "hang."

Nobody says, "you could sit out here for a while."

Oh, I get what's happening.

This is the awkward part we talked about, before we hold hands.

Let's do it. Here...

Oh, should we do the interlocking fingers or the hand in hand?

Ooh... Which one's less sweaty?

We're...

So, um... I'm not sure about this movie we're gonna see.

I don't think there will be enough, uh... blood in it for me.

It's a romantic comedy.

No, I'm just saying I'm totally fine with blood.

It's not a thing. Aren't you?

No. Hey, I was wondering if we could grab a bite after the movie?

- Aha! - Aha what?

- You said, "bite!" - Yeah, I also said "kill"

and "hang," which seem to be important to you.

Pss! Pss! Pss!

- You know, I don't got any... - And sleep!

Marvin, what are you doing here?

Ooh! I see you brought us a snack!

No, he's not a snack, he's my date.

We're going to the movies.

Ooh! Make sure he eats a lot of popcorn.

I like my blood buttery.

Marvin, you heard her. She's on a date. Leave her alone.

Hey, Juliet. How's your mom and dad?

Is she still trying to play the piano?

I haven't seen them in centuries.

Yeah, they're pretty much

the same, you know..

Dad tries to be scary and mom calms him down.

Nothing's really changed.

But you guys have to go!

- Awake. - ...problem with dead things.

Do you?

Yeah, the place gives me the creeps. Let's go.

Yeah, it's kinda scary.

Bye, Mary! Bye Marvin!

OK, that'll be $6.50 out of...

one million dollars.

Doctor Evil.

Austin Powers.

And that's the definition of the word, "definition."

What would be the definition of the word, "word?"

Where have you been all my life?

If I told you, you probably wouldn't believe me.

Juliet, I, uh... I know you're a vampire.

OK, so you probably would believe me.

And while we're on the subject, I know you're a wizard.

I can tell by your scent.

Sorry... I've been slicing ham.

No. your wizard scent. Part brick, part pine needle.

Vampires have a strong sense of smell.

Stronger than werewolves, but people don't want to get past the fangs

and the blood drinking to learn the specifics.

You know, you're not how I expected vampires to be.

Well, that's because my parents wanted me to fit in better d gave me a soul.

I have feelings.

And what do your feelings tell you?

That we should do this again.

But... Your parents don't like me.

And my parents wouldn't like it if I was going out with a competitor's daughter.

I'm sorry. I don't care what Mommy and Dad have to say about this.

I am going to tell them about you.

You know what? I'm going to tell my parents, too.

Then we can have a date that lasts longer than my 25-minute break from work.

It was fun. I've never gone to the movies

just to see the coming attractions before.

Although we could have gotten a smaller popcorn.

Hey, the fun part was you.

I don't wa to say goodbye.

Neither do I.

OK, how about we count to three and turn and walk away.

You said "Count."

- "Count?" - Good one.

OK, I gotta go.

I'd hug you, but I don't want to get my wizard scent on you

before you tell your parents.

Thinking!

How about, um, I give you a mind hug?

OK. I'll give you one, too.

Oh... That's nice.

Romeo, Juliet, let's wrap it up with the looky-looks.

Oh, hey, Oprah.

That's not Oprah. That's Alex.

No, that's Oprah. She comes in and orrs the Nosfera-Tuna.

It's hilarious when they call out "Oprah"

and everybody looks around and it's just me.

Oh, that's never not funny.

Ah! Harper. u're getting really good at that.

I am?

No. Of course not. This whole subway theme is stupid.

Mom, Dad, I've gotta talk to you about the Van Heusens.

Have you figured out a way to destroy them

and send them into t bowels of the Earth?

No, actually. Not all the Van Heusens are evil.

What? They have stolen all our business

and forced us into this subway nonsense.

I've hated that car since I rst heard someone

at an auction say, "Sold. To the guy eating a sandwich."

I got a great deal. They included the tow.

The Van Heusens are evil.

And so is anybody relad to them,

friends with them, or eats at their restaurant.

Now, what did you want to tell us, honey?

That... uh...

the average temperature of an igloo is 61 degrees Fahrenheit

when there's people in it. That's ice!

That's nice, sweetie. Maybe someday you can grow up,

buy an igloo at an auction and build a whole restaurant around it, just like your father.

I am an entrepreneur!

Dude! you can't come clean about Juliet.

When they find out, there's gonna be chaos.

And that's the chaos I'm going to need to cover my plan to send Max away for the summer.

There's this magical, underwater seahorse ranch th's all filled up,

but I've got him slowly moving up that wait list...

Giddy-up, Max. Giddy-up!

Justin, I told my parents.

Wow, that was quick.

Didn't take long to say, "I like Justin."

And for them to say, "What?!"

How did your parents take it?

Yeah, um...

I'm gonna need another day with it.

I don't think you're going to have another day.

You might have another five seconds to squeeze it in.

What are you talking about?

We've come to reclaim our daughter!

Yeah.

- Who are you? - Alucard Van Heusen.

And this is my wife, Cindy. Hi.

Of all the sneaky tricks to use.

Sending ur boy over to play with my Juliet's affections.

That is w, even for a wizard.

Like six feet in the ground low? Huh, vampire?

Honey, you may want to stay out of this one.

Your husband's right. You've unleashed the wrath of Alucard.

Please pretend you're scared or I'll have to hear about it all night.

Prepare to meet your doom!

Oh, look. Oprah's here.

Hi, Al. Cindy.

Well, let's cut to it.

Your son needs to stay away from our daughter.

She doesn't know what she's doing. Her fangs haven't even come in yet.

You're dating the competition?

How could you do this to us?

I might have expected this from Alex, but you?

What? Yeah, that's totally something I would do.

Dad, we really like each other.

Oh, I get it.

You sent your daughter here to make him fall in love

as part of your sick plan... to destroy us.

How would that destroy us?

They're vampires!

They're handsomer, smarter, and more cunning than we are.

They're like... shaved wolves that can vote.

Daddy, Mom, the moments I've spent with Justin

have been the best 25 minutes of my life.

Well, those moments are over. Come on.

Daddy.

Smarter than us, huh? Really?

Excuse me. Can you turn down that sound?

Yeah, I get it. It's a subway. I just want my coffee.

Look, we're selling the experience of being underground in a subway,

and friendly, courteous service, so shut up and enjoy it.

I know what you're thinking,

that I'm threatened by this new girl that's become a part of Justin's life.

Well, I'm not. He likes to dabble with the exotic types,

the werewolves, the centaurs and the vampires.

But "Old Steady" is gonna win this race.

Good for you, Harper.

You want to know who Old Steady is? This girl.

Oh, Juliet.

Oh, Justin.

Juliet, what are you doing?

Staring at nothing. 'Cause that's all I have, is nothing.

No, you're staring at a bat cage.

OK, if you don't want me to stare at a bat cage

and you don't want me to date Justin,

I might as well stare at this wall.

Whoo! I had no idea 2, 000 years of adolescence

would be this difficult.

Really, Juliet, stop being so dramatic.

Wonder where she gets that?

And Juliet, if you don't stop staring at this wall,

I shall take a wrecking ball to it!

I would actually like that. Then I could see Justin through it!

Sweetie, I know you're upset, I do.

But I don't know why you're so infatuated with him.

He's fangless and has no pasty complexion.

OK, well you two have been together for 10,000 years.

You've forgotten how hard it is to meet someone special.

Well, don't worry about it, darling.

You'll meet someone else.

There are other bats in the cave.

Yes, there are plenty of young dapper fellows who come in here all the time.

Well, look. Look at him. He's perfect.

- Him? No. No! - Oh!

- He's perfect! - Not him.

Hello, young man. Yes, hi.

I'd like to introduce you to our daughter, Juliet.

Great... I think this is diet.

What are you guys trying to do? He's, like, 45 years old.

Yes, but you're 2000. What difference does it make?

He's not Justin. That's the difference.

I've been alive for a long time and I've never felt this way.

You can't just push someone on me.

'Twas fate's dart that found my Justin.

Remember, you're a teenager.

It was, like, totally, fate's dart that found Justin and stuff, you know?

We're done with this discussion.

Get your mind off this and get back to work.

That man needs a regular soda!

What's the point of working if I don't have a future?

If I can't be with Justin, I'd rather die!

Again!

Oh! Oh! So dramatic!

The specials today are...

What am I talking about? There's nothing special about today.

There's nothing special about tomorrow.

There's nothing special ever.

Oh, my gosh, Justin.

You've got to get over your 25-minute girlfriend.

You know what I figured out?

I fall in love fast.

But you know what's different about this time?

When I'm not with her...

...my heart hurts.

I believe you.

Normally you pout for 30 minutes,

and then I wave an action figure in front of your face

and you're fine.

Not this time.

This is one crime Captain Jim Bob Sherwood can't solve.

Oh my gosh, please come with me.

OK. Put these on.

- Why? - Because I'm going to help you.

Why?

Because your sadness grosses me out. OK?

There. Now you and Juliet can continue to date.

While you have the glasses on, everybody will see you as a completely different person.

Oh, but those glasses are on a loan.

I'm going to need them back at a moment's notice.

Why?

It's a part of my plan to get rid of Max.

There's this guy coming over whose kid is number one on the wait-list for seahorse camp.

He has to think I'm camp director.

That didn't make any sense.

That's why I need the glasses, dude. If those words don't come out of a grown-up's mouth

we're stuck with Jerry "the Terminator" Seinfeld all summer.

And I just can't...

So there we were, yelling, "The British are coming!"

You were there, in 1776, during the Revolutionary War?

I thought it was just Paul Revere.

Yeah, Paul "Check me out over here" Revere.

That guy was such an attention hog.

Oh! Hey, it's true. Vampires don't show up in mirrors.

Yeah, doing our hair is total guesswork.

But hey, I mean...

Look at Juliet with that new boy.

They're so sweet together.

Juliet really seems to be enjoying him.

I knew we did the right thing,

keeping her away from that Russo urchin.

And you know I could have unleashed my wrath on him any time I wanted to.

I know, honey. OK.

Oh, God!

Psst! Justin, it's time. Give me the glasses.

Uh. I'm in the middle of something.

Sheriff boy's father's here. It's now or never.

Good luck, you two. I'm rooting for you.

Justin Russo!

A wizard trick.

Juliet, get away from him. We forbade you to see him.

Sorry, sir. But I would never do anything to harm your daughter or your business.

We thought she was with a nice boy from......school.

That's what I've been trying to tell you. He is a nice boy.

There's no difference between Justin and the boy you saw.

Why can't you just let us be happy?

With all due respect, Mr. and Mrs. Van Heusen,

this restaurant feud is between you and my parents.

Juliet and I have nothing to do with it.

Please let us be together. I really care about Juliet.

- Uh... - Mmmm...

Uh...

Oh, Come on, Alucard.

You're an old romantic softie.

Remember when we were young and in love, like, 1,000 years ago?

Seems like just yesterday we were drinking King Arthur.

Is that a brand of soda?

Yes, as far as you know.

You can see Juliet as often as you want.

But remember, I am capable of unleashing my wrath

as long as I'm not distracted.

Hey, it's not unlimited sauces. You get one.

Way to unleash that wrath.

You've inspired me, Mr. and Mrs. Van Heusen.

I'm sure when my parents see how happy I am with Juliet

they'll be just as accepting as you are.

Absolutely not.

What are you thinking?

Those people are trying to steal our business!

We will not let you betray this family, Justin. I don't care how happy you are.

Well, as a mother, I care about your happiness.

But as a restaurant owner, I don't.

The Van Heusens were accepting, loving and tolerant of us.

And they sleep in coffins!

They're actually roomier than you think.

With the lid open and with bedding, you barely notice it's a coffin.

I could have never seen this coming.

Alex, you are officially the good child of the family.

- "Good child?" - Mm-hm.

You're calling me the good child?

Think about that. What has Justin done wrong?

He fell in love with somebody. Big deal.

I'm the one who's been trying to get Max sent off

to an undersea camp for the summer.

You're trying to get rid of your brother?

Yeah, but it didn't really work out.

The, uh, wizard kid's father actually was a wizard cop.

He recognized my voice from something else you don't want to know about.

Look, Daddy, Justin should be allowed to date Juliet

and you guys should be focused on punishing me

for what I almost did to Max, and the other thing that I did.

She's right, Jerry.

Our feud with the Van Heusens has blinded us

to something a little more important.

Our son's happiness.

Justin, Juliet... You guys can date.

Yes! Whoo!

- So it's official. - Not until...

...I write it on the white board.

Some people might find that weird,

but I just think it's charming.

I'll hold the marker cap.

I see what you did here.

You made a sacrifice for your brother.

You really are the good child.

Daddy, please don't say that. Makes me uncomfortable.

I know, that's why I'm gonna keep saying it.

- You're the good child. - Daddy...

- You're the good child. - Stop it!

- Alex is good! - No!

Someone did something good. It's Alex!

- No, I did not do that! - Yes! You're good!

And that's the definition of the word "the."

What's going on?

Alex almost sent you away to an undersea camp

where everyone rides seahorses.

Oh, my gosh. I would love that!

Oh, Alex, you are a great sister. You're really great.

I'm gonna work on an impression of you all summer.

Max, please. I'm begging you not to.

"Max, please. I'm begging you not to."

Please leave me alone.

"Please leave me alone."

- Stop it! - "Stop it!"

- Stop! - "Stop!"

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