Original subtitles

- This is awesome! - Is it, Max?

Is this really what you wanted for your birthday?

[lava gurgling]

If we live, I am so taking my gift card back.

- Guys, paddle faster! - [flames crackling]

We're not gonna make it. We're burning up!

I know. Before we see this volcano blow, turn this lava into snow!

[all cheering]

So then it went from lava to snow. How insane is that?

So, after we got off the ski slope...

You went into the lodge and drank hot chocolate with a polar bear.

Did I already tell you this story? Oh, my goodness, I'm turning into Grandma.

No, I read that exact story in the new H.J. Darling book,

Charmed and Dangerous: The Story of the Lost Wand.

- Hm. I don't know those books. - Everyone knows those books.

How could you not know? They're about wizards like you guys.

Here's how... I don't read. [scoffing]

Not even menus. She points at the pictures. - Mm-hmm.

Oh, Alex. That's so sad. I could teach you.

Like I taught you how to make a bird feeder out of a pine cone, peanut butter and raisins.

Yeah, my dad ate that.

I know how to read, Harper. I just choose not to.

You should read Charmed and Dangerous, 'cause a lot of stuff in the books

seems to happen to you.

Wait. Her stories are things that happen to us?

How's that possible? You're the only person I tell them to.

Oh, no. I told a few stories to my lizard once.

Then he ran away.

Max, you're lizard didn't run away... - Shh!

He ran away.

OK, hang on. Maybe this is all a coincidence.

Harper, how many Charmed and Dangerous books are there? - Seven.

Fine, go get them. I'll read 'em by morning.

I'll skip flossing to save up time.

"Don't eat corn."

♪ Well you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ And the end will no doubt, justify the means ♪

♪ You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ Yes please ♪

♪ But you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ When you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ That's what I said ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not... ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

- Did she steal our stories? - Wait.

- Did she steal our stories? - Wait.

She stole our stories!

I knew it.

Our stories are making this lady rich. - And famous.

And famous! There's a crazy ten-minute sale,

the kids get stuck in a movie, the brother turns invisible,

and they pour orange soda into a genie's lamp.

All right, so we've got our evidence. Angry mob, assemble!

I figured I'd be the one to make a living writing wizard stories

based on our adventures.

Except my character's name would be Serge.

He'd walk with a bejeweled cane and wear an eye-patch.

What, no British accent?

Why, that's a smashing idea. Thanks, love!

Hot.

Guys, how do you think she knows all this stuff about us? [gasping]

I'll bet this place is bugged. Everybody talk in code.

Peanuts.

- Nobody knows your code, Max. - Then we're safe.

We've got to find her and tell her to stop.

Oh! I know where she lives. An abandoned Paint Your Dish warehouse in upstate New York.

Whoa. How do you know she lives in an abandoned Paint Your Dish warehouse?

I had my mom's private investigator track her down. - How's the case going?

Everything's fine. Turns out my dad was just sleeping in the car.

Quick! To the Inter-Wizard People-Porter! Or, as Dad calls it, the I.P.P.

I pee pee.

[whirring noise]

What is that?

- The I.P.P. - [snorting]

Cut it out, Justin. My stomach hurts!

This tube will take us wherever we want to go.

Here, mortal. Put this on.

Thanks for the helmet, but I can't go.

I'm teaching scrapbooking to at-risk youths.

At risk of what? Making a scrapbook? Come on.

I can't. Call me when you get back. Goodbye!

Not goodbye-goodbye, 'cause I'll see you when you get back. But...

Goodbye for now. Oh, darn. I ruined a perfectly good goodbye.

I.P.P. on.

On what?

Peter's Pies... Paint Your Dish Factory Outlet...

Paint Your Dish Customer Service... Here we go.

Paint Your Dish Warehouse comma Abandoned.

This thing is so cool. [clearing throat]

[electronic beeping]

Wait! Don't tell our dad. We're not supposed to use it without permission.

- Tick-a-lock. - What does that mean?

It means my lips are sealed. I use it when people tell me a secret,

or there's something I shouldn't tell... - Tick-a-lock.

[Justin] Bend your knees, guys. Bend your knees.

[grunting] Ow! My ankle.

I'm OK. [groaning] No, I'm not.

Can we paint a plate while we're here?

- Max, I twisted my ankle. - Will you two focus?

We're on a mission to find H. J. Darling.

[woman] OK, Ricky. Good scrapbooking.

Uh, nice use of vinegar to make the paper look old.

Stay off the streets. [inhaling] Good kid.

Oh, I hope he makes it. [gasping]

Alex, Max, Justin... [gasping] I mean, who are you people?

No, the question is, who are you?

And if the answer is H.J. Darling, then my new question

is why are you stealing our stories?

[nervous chuckling] That's an excellent new question.

Um... Look. Why don't we sit down and talk about it?

Uh... I'll make snacks. - Do you have sugar cubes drenched in honey?

- "Boy salad?" - That's what I call it.

OK. Enough with the snacks. What are you, a wizard?

Or just someone who likes to wear aquariums?

Or, maybe that fish on her head was a spy.

I'll see if it knows the spy code.

Peanuts.

Nope. The fish isn't talking.

You're in the middle of one of your stories right now.

My cornea!

Bread, eggs, milk...

This is the worst story ever. - Oh...

What is going on? Why are you writing about our lives?

- [plate breaking] - [grunting]

This broke on it's own.

Look, uh, sit down. I'm gonna make some snickerdoodles with Red Hots,

- and I'll explain everything. - Hey...

Harper makes snickerdoodles with Red Hots.

You're stealing more than just our stories. You're stealing recipes!

No, wait. Paint-a-plate, scrapbooking, snickerdoodles with Red Hots...

She's stealing Harper's life, too.

[sighing] I'm not stealing her life. I have her life.

I don't mean, like, I've taken it from her, like she's gone, like it's separate...

She still exists. What I'm trying to say is... I am Harper.

[inhaling] Oh, I've ruined a perfectly good dramatic moment!

Oh, my gosh, you are Harper.

But we just left Harper, and you're an adult. How is that possible?

I'm Harper, from the future.

So...

If you are Harper, from the future...

How many fingers am I holding up?

Two. - [gasping] Oh, my gosh, You are from the future!

Um, OK. Nobody touch anything.

If we do, we could totally disrupt things

for when we return to our own time.

We're in our own time. She came back from the future. - Right.

I don't get it.

Guys. She's definitely Harper from the future.

OK, so you are Harper from the future. What are you doing here?

Look, I really shouldn't say a lot about the future,

because it could change the future. - See?

[stammering] I just wanted to be right about something.

Look, if you're from the future, why did you come back here to write about us?

In the future, everybody knows wizards exist, so it's not that big a deal.

It's more interesting for people to read about wizards in this time period.

How come people know about wizards in the future?

Again, I have to be careful what I say about the future.

[inhaling] But, wizards got exposed because someone in this room

has a big, big mouth. I'm not gonna name names.

Way to go.

She said she wasn't naming names.

[sighing] But, I know it's me.

Hold on. If you're mortal, how can you travel back in time?

I cannot stress enough the danger we're in by even talking about this!

But, I will admit that I had help

from one of the most powerful wizards of all time. - Me? Me?

Is it me? Did I win the competition?

I have to put my foot down. I've said too much already.

As I used to say as a young woman, tick-a-lock. [grunting]

OK, but please don't tell young-Harper about future-Harper.

It'll freak her out and make her really self-conscious,

and I've always hated that about me.

It's why I toned down my wardrobe.

Really? 'Cause I've never seen a hat you have to feed.

[gasping] Thanks!

Hey, what's wrong with your eye, weirdo?

I scratched my cornea when I yanked the paper out of the typewriter.

Uh... I need an eye-flush station.

[snorting]

Eye-flush after I.P.P.

Alex, it's so great to see you young again.

Are you saying I get old in the future? This just gets better and better.

You're upset. Did Mason break up with you already?

Who's Mason? - Oop. Tick-a-lock. Tick-a-lock.

Do you know what I want to know? Did I ever give you permission

to use my stories to become rich and famous? - Well, no.

Then why'd you do it? - The secrets you told me were so fascinating.

They were secrets. Secrets are secrets.

That's why they call them secrets, not books. - OK.

That didn't make sense. - [scoffing] You're Harper. You know what I'm saying.

Do you want my permission to use my stories? - Yes.

Well, I'm not gonna give it to you. I'm outta here. - But...

- [electronic beeping] - Waverly Car Wash...

Waverly Dry Cleaning... Waverly... Oh, geez.

- Alex, what are you doing? - I am storming outta here.

Waverly Pet Shop... Ha, here it is.

- [electronic beeping] - Waverly Sub Station.

Goodbye.

[whooshing sound]

Come on, Max. We better go, too.

Justin, wait. You've got to convince Alex

to give Harper permission to write those books

or my friendship with Alex will be ruined forever.

I've always dreamed of this. Someone has come from the future

to give me an assignment in the present day.

I'm a Futurenaut.

Hot.

Alex, I called you ten times last night. How'd it go with H.J. Darling?

Oh, I think you know how it went.

Or, maybe you don't, but you will.

Then you'll know why I didn't call you back.

- You're upset with me? - Oh, so you do know.

No. What did I do? - I can't tell you, but it's not what you did do.

It's what you will do. - [scoffing] Whatever you think I'm gonna do,

I guess I'm sorry for it. - No, I don't think you are, or you wouldn't do it.

Ha. - What's up? Look at the two best friends

having a loud conversation.

What I love about you two is you would never let anything

get in the way of your friendship.

You know what? If you're gonna be mad at me and not tell me why you're mad at me,

then I'm gonna be mad at you and not tell you why I'm mad at you.

Oh, shoot. I just told you why. Now I'm mad at both of us!

Aren't you gonna go after her? - No.

What is up with your sunglasses?

It's filtered light therapy for my injured eye.

It's a pair of Mom's sunglasses with a lens knocked out.

- Don't tell her. - [sighing]

Look....

You have to go after Harper.

It's my mission from the future. I'm a Futurenaut.

Futurenaut? You just made that word up.

How do you know? You don't read.

That's because I have all the words I need. Including these two...

- Good. Bye. - No!

Look, my mission, should I choose to accept it, and I do...

is to get you to give permission to Harper to write those books.

You can't give permission to someone you can't trust, and I can't trust her

because she went ahead and wrote the books without my permission.

Look, I've read the books and they're really good.

They're not just about us as wizards.

They're about your friendship with Harper.

Well, I don't care about our friendship. I told her secrets.

She betrayed me, so our friendship's over.

All right. But you're missing out on the part

where you and Harper are getting chased by a dinosaur,

and then Harper uses her knitting skills to repair a rope bridge, and you get away.

Ooh. An adventure about knitting. Pass. [scoffing]

Fine. Don't read any of the stories about the great times

you and Harper have in the future.

- [crowd gasping] - [girl] Alex Russo has a book.

Oh, I can hear you!

[cane tapping]

Oh, my gosh. I've turned into Serge!

Remember I said I was going to write wizard stories based on our adventures?

No.

Well, I did. And I said I was gonna be Serge

and I was gonna wear an eye-patch and carry a bejeweled cane.

And, look. I am!

Well, Serge is a liar.

He also said this book would have dinosaurs and knitting, and it doesn't.

[chuckling, British accent] So you gave the book a gander, eh, gov'ner?

Futurenaut? Gander? Why don't you make that eye-patch a mouth-patch?

In order to get you to read the book, I had to lie to you about what was in the book.

Well, fine. And you know what? You were right. It is a good book.

I didn't realize, now that Harper knows the secret that I'm a wizard,

there's all these adventures we're gonna take together.

Max and I are in that book, too. - Yeah.

I skipped to the parts with my character, Julia.

The rest was blah, blah, blah...

So, you should give Harper permission to write the books,

so you two can stay friends and I can say,

[British accent] Mission accomplished, chap. [gasping]

Serge has a catch phrase! I gotta write that down.

"Mission accomplished, chap."

Really? Because I think Serge's catch phrase is gonna be...

[British accent] " Stop hitting me with me own cane."

I don't want that on my...

"I've done nothing wrong. And the way you've treated me is unforgivable.

"You're not the only person who thinks we're not friends anymore.

"There's another person and I think you know who that person is. But if you don't...

"it's me, Harper.

"Signed, Harper."

How does that sound?

I liked the note you had when you used the bad words.

Bad words are a crutch. They lead to tattoos and piercings.

All right. [sighing]

Now let me ask you something.

Can you tell this is glued?

- [electronic buzzing] - Oh, they're coming!

I don't want to see Alex. She's supposed to read the note!

- [plate shattering] - Ah! All my hard work, Harper!

What's the quickest way out of here? - The I.P.P.

[electronic noise] - How do you work this thing?

Just spin the dial and stand under it.

Oh, good job.

Did I hear Harper in here? I have to talk to her.

Yeah. She left this note.

[groaning] I'm tired of reading. Just tell me where she went.

I don't know. Somewhere in the I.P.P. - Dude!

- Check the dial. - [sighing] Fine.

I'll give it a gander.

That is how you use the word.

- She's going to the pyramids. - Oh, great. I've never been to Vegas.

[electronic beeping]

[Justin] Bend your knees, bend your knees! - [thud]

- [groaning] - Yes!

- [clearing throat] - Oh...

Guys, where do you think Harper is?

I don't know.

Let's ask him.

- Excuse me, sir. - Oh...

The eye-patch and bejeweled cane tell me you're an adventurer.

Thank you. Ah, someone who gets me.

Have you seen a girl with long hair and a shirt just like hers? Oh, wait!

That's her.

- Where did she go? - Odd little girl.

She said something about pee-pee in the Grand Canyon.

- I.P.P. in the Grand Canyon? - You, too?

Strange custom. Keep it up and your natural wonder will be gone.

All right. Come on, let's go. Thanks, foreign dude.

I'm from here. You the foreign dude.

Whatever. [scoffing]

Harper! I give you permission!

[Harper, echoing] What? I can't hear you!

I give you permission!

[Harper] A mission to do what?

This is impossible!

[Harper] Mission Impossible? I already saw it!

- Meet me back at the house. - OK.

Oh, so you hear that?

[sighing]

I'm really sorry I was mean to you.

- Why were you doing that? - It's complicated.

I just want you to know that I read a book... - You read a book?

Oh, no wonder you were so irritable.

No, I actually liked it.

And it got me thinking that, if you ever want to write stories

about my life and publish them, I give you permission.

Why would I want to do that? I already know what I'm gonna do in the future.

I'm gonna run a very successful paint-a-plate business.

Oh. Paint-a-plate business? That's a good idea.

But you know what else you'd be really good at?

Writing stories about our wizard adventures.

I will need something to do while myork is in the kiln. - Ah!

See? I even have a great title for your first story.

- Gander of the Futurenauts. - Yeah...

I'll think of something.

So, we're not mad at each other anymore?

No. I just hope that we're gonna be friends for a really long time.

Alex, is that what you'r afid of? That we're wouldn't be friends?

Well, I was afraid of that, but not anymore.

I'm pretty sure we're going to be friends forever.

[indistinct]

[silent mouthing]

You know, you should practice mouthing words so people can understand them.

I am pretty bad at that.

[gasping] Oh, my gosh.

That's the greatest hat I've ever seen! Excuse me...

I just love that hat. Where can I get one?

- Here, you can have this one. - I can't take this from you.

Consider it a loan.

Well, how will I get it back to you?

- Um... I'll get it back to her. - You know her?

Yeah. She's an old friend of mine.

Oh. Hi, I'm Selena Gomez.

In this episode, my character starts out not liking reading very much,

but by the end of the episode, Alex learns how important reading can be.

Reading can save lives. Like "Exit," in case of a fire.

Or, "Hey, this bottle has poison in it."

But, probably not that, because they usually have the skull and cross bones on it. Anyway...

The point is, I love reading. And so does my friend,

writer, producer, actor and director, Rob Reiner.

Oh, hi!

I love reading, too.

Like I should've read the expiration date on this milk.

Oh, Rob. Yes, he should have.

But, I think you should love reading, to

Hi, I'm Selena Gomez. In this episode, my char... Oh, wait.

No, I alady read this. OK. I'm done. Let's go, Rob.

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