Original subtitles

With my brave knight and my hello pony blankie,

The faster we go, the safer I feel.

Oh, sweet, shining alex, thou art the bomb.

Right back at thou.

Oops.

You dropped your blankie, milady.

Take it. It shall keep thee cozy.

[max] hey, justin. Why don't we invent an edible flaming sandwich for kids?

[justin] because I think most kids like having their eyebrows.

- Oh. - Halt! Who goes there?

I shall never let danger touch milady.

Not danger. Dorks.

No one must know that I crush on thee. I'm sorry, knight,

But I must bid thee... Later.

Literarium terrarium.

I'm telling you, there has got to be a way

To put something on fire in my mouth without it hurting.

What are you doing in here?

What does it look like I'm doing in here?

Uh... Trying to come up with an answer to the question I just asked.

Ok, you got me. You win. Nice going.

Heh-heh. We won. I feel pretty good about that.

- She's up to something. - Yeah, we never win.

♪ well, you know everything's gonna be a breeze ♪

♪ that the end will no doubt justify the means ♪

♪ you can fix any problem with the slightest of ease ♪

♪ yes, please ♪

♪ well, you might find out it'll go to your head ♪

♪ when you write a report on a book you never read ♪

♪ with a snap of your fingers you can make your bed ♪

♪ that's what I said ♪

♪ everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ when you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams ♪

♪ you might run into trouble if you go to extremes ♪

♪ because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ when you can have what you want by the simplest of means ♪

♪ be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ because everything is not ♪

♪ what it seems ♪

Alex, look! There's dean, that guy you like.

Should I get you a bullhorn so you can announce it to the whole school?

I don't want anyone to know. - Sorry, but I just don't know what you see in dean.

He's dangerous. He gives temporary tattoos in the boys' bathroom!

- Hey, dean. - What's up?

So, I hear your temporary tattoo business has really taken off.

Hey, joey, show her my portfolio.

Bam!

Hm. So, do you ever give those to cute girls?

What cute girl are you thinking about?

Harper.

Uh, she's totally into it. We'll get back to you on that, ok?

I don't care how much you have a crush on him. I'm not getting a temporary tattoo from dean!

I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just panicked.

What do you see in him, anyway? He had a mustache all summer!

Alex, red alert. Gigi and the wannabes are heading this way.

I can't believe it. It's after second period and I haven't humiliated anyone today.

Look. Hey, everyone. Laura moloney is moving into andy hollenbeck's locker.

They're totally going out.

We're just lab partners.

We're just lab partners?

You are embarrassed to be going out with me.

That's it. We're done.

It's sick. It's like gigi gets a thrill out of humiliating people just 'cause they like someone.

See? This is why no one can know I have a crush on dean.

He doesn't have a bedtime!

I'm sorry. You just say his name and these things pop up.

Guess what, alex? We're having a sleepover at cindy's tonight.

And like always, you're not invited.

Gigi, how many times are you gonna not invite me to something

Before you realize I don't care?

Well, if you don't care so much, why did you crank call us last time?

You can't prove that was me.

Hey, justin, look what I found in the lair.

Alex has a book with hundreds of drawings she made.

That's lame. - Yeah. Almost as lame as that book you have

With the pictures of that weather lady from channel nine.

Her name is wendy leonard, and her forecasts are extremely accurate.

You know what?

Dude, this isn't a book. This is a magic journal.

Alex has drawn herself an entire fairy tale world that she lives in!

Dude, she uses the literarium terrarium spell to go inside of it!

Wow. Look at all this embarrassing princess-y stuff.

Who knew alex was such a girl?

It is pretty shocking.

Oh, my gosh. There's gigi.

Oh, brother.

I usually don't notice girls with soft, shiny hair,

But it's like a field of gold up there.

Ok, dude, whatever you do, don't show this to gigi.

If alex didn't want us to see it, there's no way she wants gigi to see it.

Justin. Hi, max. What you got there?

It's alex's secret journal and pictures. She's created drawings. Look.

Like I said, don't show it to gigi!

But justin, we hate alex and gigi hates alex,

So don't we want to give it to gigi?

There's a difference between family hate and people hate.

If someone in your family hates someone, you're supposed to, too.

Oh, I get it. Then I hate pumpkin pie so you hate pumpkin pie.

You know I love pumpkin pie!

Max, could you carry my books for me?

Yes!

Can I brush your hair, too?

Is that weird?

Yeah.

It is, actually. That's ok. I'll take my books back.

Max, she just took alex's journal. - Oh, did I?

I see it right there, so I'm just gonna take it back.

- I don't think that's a good idea. - Just hand it to me.

- I'm popular so I can keep the book. - Voice is being raised.

- I get everything I want. - Oh, whoa, max!

I don't have my gym clothes on. Go get her!

Literarium terrarium!

I got the book back. - Now how are we gonna get her out of the book?

Hey, I got the book back. Now you've got to start pulling some weight.

Hello?

Hello!

Is anybody here?

[motorcycle engine revving]

"alex's blankie?"

Where am I?

You're in alex's journal.

I'm in alex's journal?

Ok, I thought I was just reading alex's journal. - Right.

You're reading alex's journal.

I'm alex's teddy bear.

Stay on the pathways, and if you see any stuffing that looks like this, it's mine.

I'm so glad alex erased that dog.

Ok, she has a teddy bear and a blankie?

She's not as tough as she wants everyone to think.

What else does she have in here?

All her secrets.

Oh, I'm so gonna keep reading.

The school's gonna love hearing stories about alex

That I don't have to make up.

You know what I'd love? Some fiberfill.

If you see alex, tell her to draw me some.

And maybe a hot tub.

Wouldn't you just get all wet and soggy?

Hey, that's my problem.

Just mention it to her.

Hey, check out the wannabes.

They're totally lost without gigi.

Here's our chance to mess with them.

Hey, guys, where's gigi?

We don't know where gigi is.

Oh. Well, she's probably off getting a jump on the new fashion trend...

...Wearing shoes on your hands.

And, uh, you guys should probably do it too, or she'll get mad.

Oh, thanks, alex.

For an enemy, you are a lifesaver.

Just because we're enemies doesn't mean we don't care.

[giggling]

Yeah, thanks.

Gigi's also off getting her head shaved.

Do with that what you will.

Yeah, right. How do we get gigi out of the magic journal

Without letting her know that there is a magic journal?

Well, I've given this a lot of thought.

Perfect. What do you got?

That's it.

- We gotta buy ourselves some time. - Yes, yes, um...

Where's a good hiding spot for the journal? - I got it.

You know how dad can always stare into the fridge and never find the mustard bottle?

He's, "we're out. I can't make a sandwich!"

And then mom's like, " it's right in front of your eyes, jer."

Oh, yeah, yes!

So we'll use magic to turn alex's book into dad's squeezable mustard!

No.

We gotta hide the journal in plain sight.

Aw, man, I was hoping we could use a spell like...

...Like bookus mustardo.

Alex always steers clear of a bookshelf,

Plus, boom, it'll blend right in. She'll never know.

I think that's alex. Act natural, act natural.

Hey, guys. Did you notice that gigi left school early today?

I kind of missed her. Especially in pe. We started dodgeball.

And why is my journal on the bookshelf by the door?

- How did you see that? - I knew it wouldn't work.

Bookus mustardo! Bookus mustardo! Bookus mustardo!

You guys are toast.

My journal is for my eyes only. What do you know?

That you have a crush on dean "the tattoo" moriarty.

I do not!

And that we accidentally trapped gigi in there.

What?

Gigi's in my journal?

This is unbelievable. This is my worst nightmare.

All of my secrets are there and now gigi's gonna know that I have a crush on dean.

Knew it!

Gigi hasn't talked to the knight who looks like dean so she doesn't know about my crush.

I'm gonna go get her out before she meets him. - No, you can't.

She'll tell everyone she was in a magical journal.

They'll know we're wizards. - What do you want me to do, leave her there forever?

No! No, just give me some time to figure out how to explain this to her when she gets out.

Fine. I'll give you one day.

In the meantime, nobody opens this book.

As long as this book stays closed, everything in my fantasy world freezes.

I won't let her find out any of my other secrets.

- Like... - Max, stop it!

Listen... Nobody's crying!

Gigi must not be in school again!

Well, something tells me her schedule must have been booked.

That she's in a real binding.

That she may be starting a new chapter in her life.

Why are you talking like that?

Oh, it's really clever if you knew.

Hey!

[both groaning]

I mean... That's good...

...That you did what gigi wanted you to do.

I didn't think they'd do it.

Gigi also told me she wants you guys to wear yarn wigs.

Yarn wigs?

They exist. I can show you how to make them.

Now, that one you're just making up.

That's ridiculous. Gigi would never say that.

She hates yarn.

How can you hate yarn?

I wear a lot of yarn. Then again, gigi hates me.

It all makes sense now!

Hey, justin, so I was looking at alex's journal... - Where did yofind that?

- She hid it in my hamper. - Genius.

You never open that thing. - I know. I tripped over some clothes and I fell on it.

Oh, quick. Alex is coming. Hide it in plain sight.

Hey, guys, what's up?

[whispers] it's working.

No, it's not working. What are you doing with my journal?

I peeked.

You opened it?

That's what "peeked" means.

Oh, no. Gigi's riding with my knight on his motorcycle.

He has his helmet on. She doesn't know he looks like dean.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna go in there and get her out before she finds out.

- Literarium... - No, alex, you can't.

I haven't figured out how to keep her from exposing us.

Yeah, well, gigi finding out about dean is worse than finding out about magic.

- Really? - No, but it's important to me.

Literarium terrarium.

Ok, we gotta get going. We gotta keep her from exposing magic.

Literarium terrarium.

- No, alex, stop. What are you trying to do? - I'm trying to stop gigi.

Here. Hold my veil. I don't want it to get caught in the catapult.

- That was close. - It wasn't that close enough!

Alex, as much as that was like, totally awesome...

Did you see that! It was like, swoosh...!

[imitates cannonball flying, exploding]

It's not the right way to deal with the situation.

Well, I've got to stop her before she finds out I drew the knight to look like dean.

Hey, I could joust her for him.

Then, when I win, we could ride off in the sunset and she'll never know.

Joust? - Yeah. I've got jousting stuff in the jousting shed.

Oh. Your fantasy world involves a lot of sharp metal.

- Oh, thank you. - Welcome.

Ok.

Let's take our mount and chase down that evil gigi

Before she unveils the knight's true identity.

- Hold on. - Onward, my loyal bros.

What are you doing? - This is how I talk when I'm in my fantasy world.

Oh, how awesome are thou and thee.

See, this is why I never draw you here.

- Oh, there she is! - [alex] drive faster!

- I don't know the speed limit. - Well, it's faster than this.

My teddy bear's about to pass us.

Stop! Stop! My stuffing's caught in your chain.

Pull over! Pull over, my unfair maiden, and hand me back my blankie!

Oh, alex, your journal is so beautiful.

- Thank you. - And revealing.

I've seen your hello pony blanket, I've seen your teddy bear.

I can't wait to see who the knight you're crushing on is. - No, you're not gonna see him.

Because I challenge thou to a duel.

A joust of sorts. Well, actually, it is a joust.

Whoever knocks the other off her iron steed rides away with the knight,

Sir lord of cuteness.

Fine. Give me a lance and I'll joust you.

I've got one for you.

- And a helmet for safety. - Ow!

Should have given you the shin guards first.

We should move or we're gonna be shish-kabob.

Are those the sticks with beef or the sticks with chicken?

It's meat with a stick through it.

- Oh. - Come on.

Whoo!

Yes! Whoo!

It was great!

Knight, knight! Let us ride off into the sunset.

- Not before a kiss. - It's dean!

It's dean! Alex has a crush on dean!

What? That is not dean!

Dean is a lot taller than that.

And his eyes aren't even that color.

Not just because I ran out of that color pencil, either.

Dean's eyes are blue or blue-green, depending on the light.

A beautiful blue-green.

Ow! Something bit my toe.

- Oh, those would be toe leeches. - Toe leeches?

It's my book. They started out as smudges, but then I made them into something.

Get me out of here!

Oh, anything for you, my love.

Literarium terrarium.

What did you just do?

- She wanted to get out. - Of the pond!

She's gonna tell everyone that we're wizards.

Forget about that. What about my crush on dean?

You gotta get over this kid. He doesn't even have a library card!

- Well, neither do I. - Yes, you do.

I signed you up for on

[groaning]

Oh, hey, gigi. The wannabes have been looking for you.

Ah! Here it is. Alex's journal.

That's alex's journal? You better not look in there.

Welli already did, and I've seen everything.

It's amazingly vivid.

Gigi! Last thing you remembered,

We were chasing after you to get alex's journal,

When you fell and bumped your head. Boop!

You were completely passed out, talking all kinds of nonsense

About being trapped in a medieval world.

But really you just had a horrible concussion.

And you, you were there. And he was there.

D I... Was there.

What? I thought I was just reading alex's journal

And everything was totally vivid.

That's exactly what I'm trying to say.

- Gigi, give me back my journal. - No. Alex, you are so burned.

Listen up, everyone.

I found out at miss "too cool to care" alex

Has a journal full of embarrassing secrets.

- She's making this up. - No, she's telling the truth.

What are you doing? - I'm not gonna give her the satisfaction.

Ok, so gigi saw my journal.

Where I draw pictures of myself living like a princess

In a castle with my hello pony blankie, my teddy bear

And a handsome knight who sure looks a little bit like dean.

But it could have en anybody.

Oh, no, it could not have.

See? Alex has a crush on dean moriarty!

Hey, I have a journal with secrets in it.

I'll admit it. I like prending I'm a princess.

But I'm also the kind of girl who wouldn't be caught dead at prom,

Unless it was a zombie prom and we all dressed up like zombies.

Oh, my gosh. I would so be on the committee for that.

Bottom line, I'm hard to figure out. Deal with it.

Yeah, and I have acrapbook with pictures of the weather lady from channel nine.

Deal with that!

Seriously, you should keep that to yourself, but thanks for trying.

Ok, so from this point on, everybody in this school is done being humiliated by gigi.

- Who's with me? Come on! - I am!

This is still my school. Clear the halls.

- Hi. - Sorry if I embarrassed you.

Nope. I liked it.

The way you drew me, I look pretty ripped.

That's because you are ripped, dean, yeah! - Oh, yeah!

Thanks, guys.

Gigi thought it looked like you, but I'm not that great of an artist.

I think you're pretty good, russo. - At drawing?

If that's what you want to be talking about.

Then, sure.

Nicely done, alex.

It always pays to be proud of who you are.

I mean, that's what I do and everyone respects me for it.

I respect you.

I justamily hate you.

I can live with that.

You kinda have to.

I know.

I'm ready for my temporary tattoo. Just do it!

Harper, I told you, you didn't have to do this if you didn't want to.

No, I have to prove something to myself.

I have to conquer my fear. Do it, dean, just do it.

He plays video games with parental warnings!

Oh, it's so cold. Get it off, get it off!

No, come on, come on. Two more seconds, two more seconds.

And we're done.

Does it make me look too tough?

I don't know. It's the first unicorn I've done.

Nah, I think it looks good.

Dean, you said I could have the unicorn!

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