Original subtitles

ok. guys. while Dad's away. Mom's going to give her first wizard lesson.

So. show her some respect.

oh. we respect her. lt's you we don't respect.

Anyhoo...

See. we don't respect you. 'cause you say things like that.

oh. yay. l'm in the Wizards' Lair.

or as l like to call it. ''the garage sale that never happened.''

ok. guys. now listen up.

Dad wants me to teach the lesson today

while he's away at the No Wizard Left Behind Conference.

So. let's get this over with. ok. uh...

What is wizard wear?

Max.

Alex is on my side of the bench.

- You don't own the bench. Max. - That side. l do.

[Justin] You are being childish!

[all arguing]

Don't make me stand up!

That's it. l quit!

Justin. it's all yours.

She. uh. lasted a lot longer than Dad said she would.

[beeping]

Today. we continue with magical wizard garments.

Having covered... [creaks]

...armor. we move on to sportswear.

This is a speed shirt. it gives you supersonic speed.

Does it grow your hair really long?

Speed shirt.

[clears throat]

Now watch how fast l can run into the sub shop.

make a sandwich and come back.

ok. Ready?

Done!

No way.

Yes way.

Wow.

You forgot the cheese.

oh! Hang on.

ls that enough cheese for you? l think so.

Nice.

ok. ltem two...

lt's called a ''Night Cap.'' Whoever wears it falls asleep instantly.

Are you going to keep teaching?

'Cause l wanna be asleep for that. Hand it over.

oh. l'm tempted. but then you wouldn't know about these.

[shouts]

Smarty Pants.

They give whoever wears them superior knowledge on anything

and everything there is to know.

l'd put them on. but l'm already smarter than them.

ooh. you're smarter than pants. Good for you.

Pay attention while l read off some of the possible side effects

of keeping the pants on too long. Side effects may be:

Headache. nausea. rash. chronic giggling. belly-button bubbles.

''say it don't spray it'' disease. tongue reversal. ear gas. sweaty knees.

Picasso face. problems with the bowel...

All right. lesson's over. Come on. Max.

l think l'm gonna stay

- and draw on his face. - ok. cool.

Well. you know everything's gonna be a breeze

And the end will no doubt. justify the means

You can fix any problem with the slightest of ease

Yes please

But you might find out it'll go to your head

When you write a report on a book you never read

With the snap of your fingers you can make your bed

That's what I said

Everything is not what it seems

When you can get all you wanted in your wildest dreams

You might run into trouble if you go to extremes

Because everything is not what it seems

Everything is not what it seems

When you can have what you want by the simplest of means

Be careful not to mess with the balance of things

Because everything is not...

What it seems

Alfred. the plan was. if you're going to be ref.

you wouldn't have thrown me out of the game.

Hey. when l put this shirt on. the friendship goes away.

Hey. look at the line for the water fountain.

oh. wow.

Hey. Zeke. what's with the line? Are the other ones broken?

Nope. The water that comes out of this one is the best in the school.

l don't get it. Water is water.

l beg to differ. This water is delicious.

Excuse me. sheriff's in town.

Step away from the watering hole.

Now that is some fine H-2-0.

[bell rings]

[all groaning]

lf l could figure out a way to bottle this stuff. l could make a fortune.

You can bottle it.

Alfred. don't bother me. l'm thinking.

Hey. Alex. Are you as excited as l am about the Tribeca Quiz Bowl?

oh. my gosh! No!

You're excited. Who wouldn't be? lt's an academic decathlon.

And when l take my team to victory.

people are gonna know me as Harper. the girl who's got the brains.

and not just Harper. the girl who's the fashion dynamo.

Harper. if you want people to notice that you're smart.

you might want to wear a little less produce.

[scoffs] That's not gonna happen.

Papayas just came into season.

Well. l'd like to be known as Alex.

the girl who doesn't care what she's known as.

- You are known as that. - l don't care.

See? lt looked like l really didn't care there for a second. lt was good.

oh. my gosh. there's Dean. l hope he knows me.

[Harper] Dean Moriarty? You don't want to know him.

l hear he plays with firecrackers.

Dean Moriarty.

l was wondering if you could be a good little kemo sabe

and rustle up some students to help gussy up the gym

for the big Quiz Bowl this year.

You gotta slow down. Mr. Laritate.

l'm only in my first semester of cowboy.

All right. Dean. You and your whole posse are on set-up patrol.

Hey. setting up might be all right. What time should we be there?

What? You'll do it?

That was a lasso toss in the dark.

l'll meet you at 3:00.

Moriarty. you're turning into a citizen.

Looks like l'll be helping set up the gym for Quiz Bowl this year.

Why do l have a feeling you're just doing that to get to know Dean?

'Cause l'm making it pretty obvious.

- Hey. Dean. - What's up. Russo?

- Yeah. what's up. Russo? - She's cool.

She's cool. She's cool. Clear some space.

So. um. l hear you're setting up the gym for Quiz Bowl this year.

That's kind of my thing. maybe we should talk about that

and see how it's going to work. Wanna thumb wrestle for it?

Cute.

[giggles] oh. l know.

Most chicks don't like to get down and dirty with how things work.

They usually just make posters and gossip.

Really? 'Cause it sounds like you're gossiping about chicks right now.

l'll be setting up the big boy stuff.

l'll get you some cardboard and you can make yourself a poster.

So. uh. Dean. what are you thinking?

l think l'm setting up for the Quiz Bowl with Russo

- while you guys are making posters. - Got it. Dean.

Guys. we get to make posters!

[all] Yeah!

- Whatcha doin'? - What's it look like l'm doing?

- l'm making a pizza. - Watch it.

l own sarcasm and didn't give you permission to use it.

Cute.

Get used to it.

ok. so. um. what do you want me to do?

- Finish wiring the last buzzer for me. - ok.

Green goes to red goes to blue.

goes to blue-red goes to green-red goes to blue-green.

Uh. ok. l missed all of that. But. yeah. l'll figure it out. lt's good.

oh. hey. Harper. Nice headband. Are those real grapes?

[scoffs] No. The real grapes didn't survive the washing machine.

But you know what?

lt took this...

...to figure out this.

Yes. it did. Harper.

Do you mind if my team practices our buzzer technique?

Let me just hook this up first.

And... oh. that looks pretty. ok.

All right. Team Maroon... ready positions!

This dangerous South American spider

is often found in boxes of exported fruit. particularly bananas.

[buzzers clang]

[electrical zapping]

Does anyone else's hair feel hot?

What's happening?

Don't look at me. l'm a girl. l was just making posters.

Thank you very much. Alex.

Nellie dropped out of the Quiz Bowl.

That whole buzzer accident freaked her out.

oh. waa waa. She looks better with her hair up anyway.

Maybe if you weren't so concerned with getting to know Dean.

you would've hooked the wires up the right way.

Now. now. don't go blaming Dean. l would've jacked that up anyway.

And besides. can't you just get someone to fill in for Nellie?

No. Everyone in school is already on their teams. so we have to forfeit.

[groans] Justin's team is probably gonna win now.

Now l'll never get a new reputation.

lt's really hard being known just as the glamour girl.

l wish you were smart. then you could fill in for Nellie.

l am smart.

- l'm street smart. - But not book smart.

l am. too. book smart.

Sure. l don't read books. but l hollow them out and hide things in them.

Hey. Harper. Heard about Nellie's little. uh. ''accident.'' Thank you. Alex.

Yeah. nice work. Way to zap the competition.

Hey. just because you're winning through ''forfeit.''

doesn't mean you really win. That's not a satisfying victory.

oh. well. l'm pretty satisfied. how about you. Zeke?

l'm very satisfied. thanks for asking.

- Miss me high and hit me low. - That's what l'm talking about.

[both] oh!

Well. guess what? You tools didn't win.

Harper's team doesn't have to forfeit because l just joined it.

You? Come on. Alex. You got a ''D'' in lunch.

ooh! ouch! Fly it by and hit me high!

[both whoop] oh!

oh. please. The Quiz Bowl is just a glorified trivia game. l know stuff.

You know what? Beating you in this competition will be a delight.

And to make things fair.

- which l should. - Mm-hmm.

l'll even loan you my 1 5.000 hand-written cross-referenced

index cards of informacionica!

Does one of those cards tell you not to answer the phone. ''Yello?''

l can't wait for this Quiz Bowl now.

Zeke. are you feeling the need to do what l'm feeling the need to do?

- The need to blog about it? - oh. yes!

Alex. what are you doing?

You're just going to embarrass yourself in front of everyone.

l'm gonna have to hit the books.

ok. but not the ones that are hollowed out.

No.

[alarm sounds]

[automated voice] Warning! Warning!

- The prolonged use of Smarty Pants... - Shh! ok. we get it!

may cause side effects. such as: headache. nausea.

rash. skeleton legs. belly-button bubbles.

''say it don't spray it'' disease.

smelly feet. yellow toes. flaky hair...

oh. now l know how to shut you up.

...scaly pits... [shuts off]

[laughs]

knowing stuff is so cool.

What are you doing?

Remember how people loved the water-fountain water?

l hauled this whole bucket of it home from school.

Now l'm going to bottle it. and l'm gonna sell it back to them.

Why are you going to all this trouble?

Why don't you just sell them bottled water

and tell them it's from the fountain?

lt all tastes the same.

We know you have a lot of choices for your fountain water.

We're glad you chose us.

You guys are waiting in line to buy this fountain water

because you don't want to wait at the fountain.

meanwhile there's no line at the fountain.

Hey. hey! There's no line here now.

Hey. guys! When we're done with these.

we can use our empties to fill up at the fountain for free.

- We just lost our business. - What are we going to do?

We gotta come up with something.

Panic and run. lt's never not worked.

oh. my gosh. this is such a big turnout!

[sighs] l guess there's no point in waiting around for more people...

ok. calico kittens!

Let's get ready to Qu-izzzzz Bowl!

Quiz Bowl? What are we doing here?

Uh... l. uh...

l just wanted to come by to. uh. see your poster.

- Really? - Sure.

[all] one. two. three. win!

Why are you rolling those stretchies up?

They're cute and really stand out. a sign of a really good stretchy.

oh! lt's just hot in here. you know?

But. uh. remember. this isn't about me.

This is about everybody getting to appreciate you for your brains

- and not just your... oranges. - [scoffs] They're tangelos!

But. thank you.

Teams ready?

Have some fun. take your time

and remember. there are no losers.

only winners and the people that aren't them.

[Justin laughs]

Question number one: what umbrella term

refers to the diseases of the heart and blood vessels?

[buzzer clangs]

Cardiovascular disease.

Correct.

Nice. you studied.

Yeah. that's what l did.

Next question.

How many distinct codon sequences are there in an RNA messenger molecule?

Eight or two cubed.

[imitates buzzer]

What did we say. Zeke?

''lf it's a guess. it's a mess.''

Sixty-four or four cubed.

And Bingo was his name-o!

[audience applauds]

You can't see through these cards. can you. Russo?

Wow. How'd you know that?

You're the one who said l studied. Why are you asking me?

Mr. Laritate. l should get credit for this!

She studied off of my study cards...

ok. look. l think we all established that l studied.

Mr. Laritate. question three. please.

Question three...

Archimedes' Principle.

9.476.251 micro-meters...

Puppets.

The Japanese pronunciation is.

Dah-reh-kah ay-ee-goh gah hah-nah-seh-mas-kah?

My... study... cards.

What are you doing? You answered every single question in that round.

lsn't that what you wanted? You're on the winning team.

Strong showing in round one. Team Maroon.

or should l say Team Ma-Russo?

[unintelligible]

No. no. no. Please don't say Team Russo.

Say Team Harper. Come on. Harper! Harper! Harper!

Are you kidding me? Would it hurt you to play along? Really? Really?

Ah. the sweet smell of modesty.

Looks like this isn't your first rodeo. buckaroo.

You better be careful or you may wind up with a brand new reputation around here.

And we all know how hard it is to do that.

Harper. l know you're mad. l'm sorry. l'll step back and let you close it out.

lt's much better to be known as the closer.

Fine. But if l have to go another year

with the same reputation. it's all on you.

That's it. Who else's study cards are you using?

You answered questions in there that weren't even on mine.

Since when did you become such a smarty pants?

Smarty Pants! You're totally wearing Smarty Pants!

l am not.

- l'm telling Mr. Laritate. - Wait. Wait!

What are you going to tell him? That l have magic pants?

Yes. l am.

- No. l'm not. - No. you can't.

Hey. Maxy. How's homework going?

- lt's going. - Enough jibber-jabber.

Let's cut to it. Alfred's mom called me and he sang like a canary.

l knew l shouldn't have taught him that dirty canary song.

[grunts]

Why would you think you could get away with

selling fountain water next to the fountain?

l don't know. You buy bottled water and there's a faucet right over there.

Well. because bottled water is cleaner and it's portable.

You can take it somewhere and drink it whenever you want.

oh. Sort of like those little puppies that you can fit in your purse?

No. nothing like that.

But come on. they're pretty cute.

Look. if you want to sell something that people can otherwise get for free.

you have to add something to it so that it's more valuable.

Valuable. l got it. Thanks. Mom.

You're welcome. sweetie.

Now. let's talk about this dirty canary song.

Good. because l need a second verse. Let me go get my songbook.

Thank you. Zeke. Here's your water

and... Alfred!

- [drums on box] - [puppies whining]

Here's your puppy.

l don't think l want a puppy.

l'm adding value. lf you don't take it. it's a rip-off.

- Get your Puppy Water! - Get your Puppy Water!

- Get your Puppy Water. - Water with a puppy!

Question one. Algebra.

What are the polar coordinates of the point whose Cartesian coordinates are:

0. 3.

Alex Russo.

of course. Alex Russo.

Three pi over two.

Yippee pi-ay-yay!

l'm sorry. l can't help it.

Save it. l knew l couldn't trust you.

All l wanted is to look smart in front of everyone

and then you. of all people. show me up.

[Laritate] What is a calorie?

lf you answer that. l quit.

l won't answer it.

The amount of energy needed

to raise one cubic centimeter of water one degree Celsius.

[mouthing] l'm sorry.

Correct!

That's it. l quit.

Wait. Harper...

- No. no! Harper. wait. - [Laritate] Finkel. Russo.

This is a Quiz Bowl. not a Drama Bowl.

Let's bring it back into the barn.

- ok. Next question... - No. wait. Time out. Time out.

Wait. can you call a time out in a Quiz Bowl?

Not according to the Quiz Bowl rules. Ask the question!

- She's away from the buzzer! - l have something to say.

With a 27 point lead. l will allow the time out.

The rest of this Quiz Bowl is under protest!

Yeah!

The only reason why l did this whole Quiz Bowl thing

was to help out a friend.

l'm not going to let my friend down.

l'll do whatever it takes...

... no matter how embarrassing it is.

Some of you may not want to look.

Hey. Dean. She's taking her pants off. Should we look?

No.

[both gasp]

Alex! You kept the pants on too long!

- What? - Skeleton legs!

Was that on the list of side effects l didn't listen to?

Well. when in doubt. dance out. huh?

- ok. - [bones clacking]

- [Alex] This is good. - Come on!

Thank you. Alex. After you left. Nellie stepped back in.

And l brought it home in a real nail biter.

Wow. so you won. l never would have guessed.

l owe you big time.

And l was thinking. a skeleton shirt to go with those skeleton tights.

Yes! Skeleton tights.

That's totally believable. Spread that around. Please.

Mom. how'd it go? Am l in big trouble?

lt's weird. Your principal started to talk about you.

then he got a phone call about some dirty canary song

sweeping through the seventh grade.

- Uh. Mom. l think Max was the... - Shh! Let's get out of here.

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